Essay preparation – First Visit to Ace – ORIGINAL VERSION
Q. Write a description of an animal you know well. Describe its
behaviour, looks and what it does.
Plan
Beginning
Drop off by Dad to Watford to see cousins and new puppy
Middle
Take puppy for a walk
Nikhil covered in mud after Ace gives chase to another dog
End
Dad collects me – saved by the bell
FIRST VISIT TO ACE
I have always enjoyed visiting my three cousins in Watford, but this time
I was looking forward to it more than ever, not because I had not seen
them for a long time due to my eleven plus exams, but because they
had telephoned me about their four-legged Christmas present, called
Ace.
“See you at six” dad bellowed from the driver‟s seat.
“Bye” I replied.
I glanced at my watch, it was one in the afternoon in the afternoon, I
recall thinking „Yes, five whole hours‟.
To be honest there is not much that I am envious of. After all I have two
parents, two step-parents, two homes, toys at both homes and so on. I
think I have just about everything a young boy of eleven could ever
need, except of course Ace. I had always wanted a pet but dividing my
time between two families, one week with dad, one week with mum,
made that practically impossible.
I walked up to the door and pressed the door bell. I could hear the
chimes but oddly no dog barking. My chirpy aunt opened the door and
waved me in. I could hear the boys in the lounge and raced straight
through eyes peeled for the puppy.
The boys were transfixed on the Playstation2 game, but managed to say
“Hi” without actually seeing who had actually entered the room. I was
beginning to think that they were winding me up about their four legged
gift.
Suddenly from behind the sofa pounced Ace. Six month old Ace was a
two foot tall, attentive, playful Labrador retriever. He has a golden
yellow silky coat, black paws, a wagging tail, transparent light brown
eyes and a slobbery mouth, which he is all to keen to push into your
face.
“Chill Bill” I exclaimed. Don‟t ask me why I said that, or why indeed I
expected a puppy to understand that command, but it had the desired
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effect. Ace calmed down and parked himself at my feet as I peeled my
coat off settled down on the sofa.
My aunt strode in and remarked “I see you have met the newest
member of my family”. She produced a lead from her pocket and
declared it was time for Ace‟s walk.
The boys shut the game down and prepared for the walk. My aunt
explained that Ace‟s day is consists of breakfast, a run around the
house, a run around the park, lunch, a run around the yard, a walk in
the park, and a run around with the children when they return from
school partaking in whatever activity the boys are doing such as cricket
and football. Ace‟s dinner has two courses, dog food meal and whatever
he can beg from the main table. After dinner activities usually consists of
a run around the front room with the boys, and hiding remote controls
under the dinning table.
I think Ace considers himself as one of the children. He listens only to
the boys‟ mother and appears to be bi-lingual, taking instructions in
Gujarati and English. In fact Ace doesn‟t bark at all. He loves people,
kids and other dogs, and my aunt quipped that Ace is more likely to lick
an intruder to death than attack them.
I have three cousin brothers, Shaan, Shammi and Nikhil. It transpires
that Ace relates best with the youngest Nikhil, who is approximately the
same size as himself and strangely licks Ace back and likes to share his
basket.
For our walk we took turns on holding the lead. As guest of honour I was
giving the reins first as we marched to the park. Then Shaan the eldest
lead us towards the swings, passed the lead to Shammi who seemed
more interested in the swings and thus promptly passed the lead to
Nikhil.
As luck would have it at that very moment Ace spied a poodle and
decided to give chase. With Nikhil at the end of the lead, Ace towed him
on his front through muddy puddles and grassy slopes until we all
caught up with him. Nikhil was covered from head to toe in all manner of
things.
My aunt met us at the door and her steely silence told us that she was
less than amused by the incident. Nonetheless dinner was ready on the
table. We ate our food quiet as door mice, only sniggering when my aunt
left the room.
The door bell chimed. I checked my watch, it was six, saved by the bell.
THE END
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Essay – First Visit to Ace – CORRECTED VERSION
Q. Write a description of an animal you know well. Describe its
behaviour, looks and what it does.
Plan
Beginning
Drop off by Dad to Watford to see cousins and new puppy
Middle
Take puppy for a walk
Nikhil covered in mud after Ace gives chase to another dog
End
Dad collects me – saved by the bell
FIRST VISIT TO ACE
I have always enjoyed visiting my three cousins in Watford, but this time
I was looking forward to it more than ever, not because I had not seen
them for a long time due to my eleven plus exams, but because they
had telephoned me about their four-legged Christmas present, called
Ace.
“See you at six ,” dad bellowed from the driver‟s seat.
“Bye ,” I replied.
I glanced at my watch, it was one in the afternoon (in the afternoon ). I
recall thinking ; „Yes, five whole hours‟.
To be honest , there is not much that I am envious of. After all , I have
two parents, two step-parents, two homes, toys at both homes and so
on. I think I have just about everything a young boy of eleven could
ever need, except of course , Ace. I had always wanted a pet , but
dividing my time between two families, one week with dad, one week
with mum, made that practically impossible.
I walked up to the door and pressed the doorbell. I could hear the
chimes , but oddly no dog barking. My chirpy aunt opened the door and
waved me in. I could hear the boys in the lounge and raced straight
through , eyes peeled for the puppy.
The boys were transfixed on their Playstation2 game, but managed to
say “Hi” without actually seeing who had actually entered the room. I
was beginning to think that they were winding me up (try teasing) about
their four-legged gift.
Suddenly , from behind the sofa , pounced Ace. Six-month-old Ace was
a two foot tall, attentive, playful Labrador retriever. He has (need had as
you are using the past tense) a golden yellow silky coat, black paws, a
wagging tail, transparent light brown eyes and a slobbery mouth, which
he is ( was) all to keen to push into your face.
Page 3 of 5
“Chill Bill ,” I exclaimed. Don‟t ask me why I said that, or why indeed I
expected a puppy to understand that command, but it had the desired
effect. Ace calmed down and parked himself at my feet , as I peeled my
coat off and settled down on the sofa.
My aunt strode in and remarked , “I see you have met the newest
member of my family”. She produced a lead from her pocket and
declared it was time for Ace‟s walk.
The boys shut the game down and prepared for the walk. My aunt
explained that Ace‟s day (is) remove consists of breakfast, a run around
the house, a run around the park, lunch, a run around the yard, a walk
in the park, and a run around with the children when they return from
school , partaking in whatever activity the boys are doing , such as
cricket and (or) football. ( try not to be too repetitive) Ace‟s dinner has
two courses ; a normal dog food meal and whatever he can beg from the
main table. After dinner activities usually consists of a run around the
front room with the boys, and hiding remote controls under the dinning
table.
I think Ace considers himself to be one of the children. He listens only to
the boys‟ mother and appears to be bi-lingual, taking instructions in
Gujarati and English. In fact , Ace doesn‟t bark at all. He loves people,
kids and other dogs, and my aunt quipped that Ace is more likely to lick
an intruder to death than attack them !
I have three cousin brothers, Shaan, Shammi and Nikhil. It transpires
that Ace relates best with the youngest Nikhil, who is approximately the
same size ashimself and strangely licks Ace back and likes to share his
basket.
For our walk , we took turns on holding the lead. As guest of honour , I
was giving the reins first as we marched to the park. Then Shaan , the
eldest lead us towards the swings, passed the lead to Shammi , who
seemed more interested in the swings , and thus promptly passed the
lead to Nikhil.
As luck would have it , at that very moment , Ace spied a poodle and
decided to give chase. With Nikhil at the end of the lead, Ace towed(
pulled) him on his front through muddy puddles and grassy slopes , until
we all caught up with him. Nikhil was covered from head to toe in all
manner of things.
My aunt met us at the door and her steely silence told us that she was
less than amused by the incident. Nonetheless , dinner was ready on the
table. We ate our food , quiet as door mice, only sniggering when my
aunt left the room.
The door bell chimed. I checked my watch, it was six . Saved by the bell.
THE END
Comments: A good believable account- well done. Although you are
writing as an 11 year old, try not to use colloquial (slang) terms- use
children rather than kids and teasing instead of the phrase „winding me
Page 4 of 5
up.‟ Try to use colons more as well, they are effective punctuation and
examiners look for them as a sign that you know what your doing! Use
them to prepare for a list, e.g. In my suitcase, I packed; or for
reasoning, football was cancelled; Mr Smith was off sick.
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