Waterboarding,But Fun
CHARACTERS
Carter - an asshole
Julia - a new hire
Tariq - an egg salad enthusiast
Abdul - a prisoner
Sniffles - a rat
Muffin - another rat
Secretary Rodriguez - a government employee
TIME: Between 2002 and 2003 -- but sometimes we might think it's right now
PLACE: Probably Iraq -- but sometimes we might think we're in America
SOUND: Throughout the play mortars are shot at the walls of the prison. In the opening scenes
this sound is faint and unthreatening. As the play continues the sound and volume of mortars grows
and grows until, in the final scene, it seems as if the building is about to come down.
NOTE: Abdul speaks a different language than all other characters even though the actors all speak
the same language to the audience. The rats speak every language on planet earth.
"The war skeptics who allege that Iraq is contained, that Saddam Hussein poses no immediate
threat to the United States, and that there is no evidence the butcher of Baghdad is willing to share
his weapons of mass destruction with such terrorists as al-Qaeda, should be obliged to tell us
something. Exactly which American city are they willing to bet that they're right?"
Richard Lesser, "Who's Next?" Weekly Standard, September 11, 2002
1.
Lights.
A break room.
There is a soda machine. Some tables. Coffee pots. Etc.
TARIQ is sitting alone at a table eating a white-bread sandwich.
CARTER enters with JULIA.
CARTER
This is the break room. I guess that’s sort of obvious.
Um. Soda.
Um. Coffee is here.
And
Yeah. This is where we hang out. It’s okay.
Hey Tariq.
Hey.
Tariq is Iraqi but he’s cool.
This is Julia.
Hi.
Hi. I’m Tariq.
This is Julia Romero.
Oh. Whoa.
TARIQ
CARTER
(to Julia)
(to Tariq)
JULIA
TARIQ
CARTER
TARIQ
He stands, walks over to Julia and shakes her hand.
It’s a honor. Really.
That’s kind of you.
TARIQ
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 2.
Welcome.
Thank you.
TARIQ
JULIA
The three of them stand there in awkward silence for a moment.
Everyone nodding their head at each other.
Tariq turns and sits back down.
Cool sandwich.
Thanks man. Egg salad.
Right on.
Yeah so anyways. You get it.
Yeah.
CARTER
TARIQ
CARTER
(to Julia)
JULIA
CARTER
Not really glamorous or anything I guess.
It’s a very nice space.
JULIA
CARTER
Thanks.
I wanted to get one of those little Red Bull fridges and just have Red Bull stocked like all
the time. Sorta give the place that cool-casual feel, you know?
TARIQ
Oh yeah. What happened with that?
I asked but they said no...
Oh. Damn.
Sorry. I can ask again maybe.
CARTER
TARIQ
CARTER
(to both of them, shrugging)
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 3.
Anyways.
(he sighs)
Carter moves over to the counter and opens a drawer. He pulls out
two ski masks.
He holds one out to Julia.
CARTER
You can borrow my old one until you get one of your own.
It doesn’t have to be black I don’t think. Maybe check the handbook.
This is great. Thank you.
JULIA
(taking the mask)
They put their masks on.
Carter walks over to Tariq.
Hey. How’s your daughter?
She’s doing okay.
Thanks for asking.
CARTER
(to Tariq)
TARIQ
CARTER
(putting his hand on his shoulder)
Let me know if you need anything man.
Thanks Carter.
We still on for tomorrow?
I’ll be there.
TARIQ
CARTER
TARIQ
CARTER
(to Julia)
Me and Tariq are on a bowling team together.
Oh.
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 4.
It’s like a league.
Great.
He’s good. I’m not.
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
TARIQ
(softly nodding)
He’s pretty good. He’s pretty good.
I’m not.
Anyways.
CARTER
(pause)
Carter exits, moving to the next room. Julia follows.
Throughout the scene Tariq eats his sandwich alone in the break
room.
Lights up on the space next to the break room.
It is a horrible, disgusting, broken down prison cell. There is a
metal bed. An old gross toilet. Some bugs. Etc.
ABDUL is at center with his hands tied and strung up above him.
He has a hood on his head.
Carter unlocks the door to his cell and opens it.
And if you come on in here
CARTER
Julia enters and looks around the cell. She doesn’t see Abdul at
first.
Oh!
JULIA
(turning and seeing him)
Carter locks the door behind her.
Hello?
ABDUL
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 5.
Shut up.
Inmate 6593.
The fellas call him Booboo.
Hello?
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
CARTER
(to Abdul)
(to Julia)
ABDUL
CARTER
Abdul quivers.
Julia jumps back a little too.
CARTER
(motioning to Abdul)
Now this is what we call a stress position.
I’m sure they went over this in the training video.
...no.
They didn’t?
...
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
They didn’t go over stress positions?
...
JULIA
CARTER
Oooookay well that’s only slightly humiliating.
Yikes. I’m really, um
It’s like, at the end of the day I’m only one guy. I can only do so much. I tell them to update
the videos and guess what? They don’t update the videos. Ugh.
He closes his eyes and taps his forehead with his palm. Making a
mental note.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 6.
CARTER
(to himself)
Do not forget to tell the interns about the training videos. Again.
(to Julia)
I’m sure you were expecting some, like, really fancy facility.
I’m really sorry about all this.
I’m still learning. Still trying to get better everyday.
I want to turn this place around. I can turn this place around.
Really.
With you here I honestly feel like I can do this.
Don’t give up on me.
...
Are you okay?
What are you doing to him.
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
Oh. Yeah.
This here is just your basic uhhh
Stress position. If the stupid video had been updated you’d know.
So we’ve had him like this for about three hours.
Carter releases the rope, Abdul falls to the ground.
Julia sort of reaches out for him as he falls.
Ohmygod!
Yeah he’s sorta dramatic this one.
JULIA
CARTER
Carter winds up the rope.
CARTER
If you’re in here with him you can just have him stand with his hands out like this.
Carter demonstrates. He crouches and holds his hands out in front
of him parallel to the ground.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 7.
CARTER
If he lowers his hands you smack him. That’s one option. There are like a million different
stress positions. Everyone has their favorite one.
I just do the rope thing.
Brb.
Carter exits.
Julia is alone with Abdul.
...
Julia gets closer to Abdul.
Hello?
JULIA
Abdul cries quietly.
Um.
Boo-boo?
JULIA
Carter enters again with tools for torture.
Julia backs away from Abdul quickly.
Didn’t say anything did he?
Um. No.
CARTER
JULIA
Carter takes a non-descript white carton and approaches Abdul.
CARTER
Yeah Booboo doesn’t say a word unless he’s bitching about something. He’s a cry-baby.
Hasn’t given us a shred of intelligence yet.
We still need to break him.
Carter rips the hood off Abdul’s head. He holds the carton out to
Julia.
Bleach.
CARTER
Carter pours the bleach all over Abdul.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 8.
Abdul screams.
CARTER
You can use hot sauce in a pinch but bleach is best.
“Bleach is best.” Hah.
Sounds like a crappy indie band or something. Alliteration.
Anyway. Hot sauce only works if it’s like really hot. And you gotta pour it directly into his
eyes and ears.
Bleach you can just pour anywhere. Seems to work better.
The carton is empty. Carter throws it against the wall.
CARTER
When I took over two months ago they had them all stripped down. Completely naked.
I dunno. It just kinda weirded me out. You know?
...
JULIA
CARTER
You think I should strip them down?
...
JULIA
CARTER
Shit I should strip ‘em down shouldn’t I. I’m such a fucking idiot. I’m so sorry-Oh. What?
No. I mean, I don’t know I guess.
JULIA
CARTER
Oh. Cool. Thanks. If anything here stands out to you, let me know.
I can take the criticism. I know this place has a long way to go.
But I’m committed.
Carter kicks Abdul in the ribs.
ROLL OVER!
Stop! Please!
Allah-Allah-Allah!
CARTER
ABDUL
CARTER
(a horribly offensive impression of Arabic)
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 9.
(to Julia)
See what I mean? Always complaining. It’s all gibberish to me.
You speak Paki?
...no.
Me neither.
JULIA
CARTER
He kicks him again.
Please! UGH!
ABDUL
Carter ties Abdul’s hands.
CARTER
Then you tie his hands and
feet.
ABDUL
No! Please! Not again!
CARTER
You can tie him to a chair if you have one but this is fine too.
What did he do?
Sorry?
JULIA
CARTER
(he can’t hear her over the screaming)
Carter puts a different hood on him.
CARTER
Would you grab the bucket
please?
ABDUL
Excuse me ma’am! Please
make him stop!
Julia exits and comes back in with a bucket of water.
CARTER
Watch closely. This is a very effective interrogation technique.
He pours the water on Abdul’s head. Abdul screams.
CARTER
YOU THANK JESUS FOR THIS!
Nooooooooooo!
ABDUL
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 10.
Carter keeps pouring water on him.
CARTER
I WANT TO HEAR YOU THANK JESUS FOR THIS!
ALLAH FUCKING HATES YOU! MUHAMMAD WANTS THIS FOR YOU!
YOU TERRORIST!
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE TERRORIST!
Carter!
JULIA
CARTER
YOU THINK I WON’T BUTT FUCK YOU?
I WILL BUTT FUCK YOU IN THE NAME OF CHRIST!
I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT! SAY IT BOOBOO!
PRAISE CHRIST! SAY PRAISE CHRIST!
Julia comes forward.
Stop!
JULIA
(putting her hand on his shoulder)
Carter breaks, turns to Julia and lifts his mask.
CARTER
It’s completely fine Julia. He’s not actually being hurt. This is more humiliation than
anything.
ABDUL
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!
It’s completely safe I assure you.
CARTER
Carter turns, puts his mask back down and keeps pouring the
water.
Abdul screams.
CARTER
YOU LIKE THAT YOU PAKI FUCK? YOU LIKE THAT?
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET! THIS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A TERRORIST!
BEFORE I’M DONE WITH YOU YOU WILL BE SUCKING JESUS’S DICK!
YOU WILL SUCK HIS DICK BOOBOO!
The bucket is empty. Carter throws it against the wall.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 11.
CARTER
(to Julia)
Unless he’s being extremely difficult one bucket is usually enough.
Carter starts to head for the door.
CARTER
After lunch we’ll grab the electrical cords. It’s a lot of setup but still--very effective.
Carter reaches the door. Julia is still staring at Abdul.
Carter turns.
Julia?
CARTER
Julia turns.
How often do we do this?
JULIA
He shrugs.
CARTER
Every few hours. You’ll get a schedule once you finish the training program.
When do you ask him questions.
I ask him questions. Sometimes.
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
And then we get intelligence and we let them go?
CARTER
Ummmmmmmm
It doesn’t really work that way. We don’t just, like, let them go.
Then we wouldn’t have a job.
Julia looks at Abdul on the floor.
...
Is something wrong?
JULIA
CARTER
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 12.
...
JULIA
CARTER
I know the stupid training video skipped over some of this
But you got everything?
...
Julia?
JULIA
CARTER
She snaps out of it. She looks at Carter and, somehow, nods her
head.
CARTER
Good. Let me show you where the parking passes are.
They exit. Abdul lays there. He gasps desperately for air.
Gasp. Cough. Gasp.
In the break room Tariq finishes his sandwich. He cleans up and
throws it trash away. He exits.
Abdul lays in the cell motionless.
Lights.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 13.
2.
Lights up on the break room.
Most of the lights are off. The place looks closed. Julia is at the
table softly crying.
Tariq enters in a bowling shirt carrying a big bowling bag.
Oh I’m sorry. Hi.
TARIQ
JULIA
Hi Tariq. You’re fine. I thought everyone was gone.
I forgot my
Wait. Are you okay Julia?
Yeah I’m fine.
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
Okay.
Because it seemed like you were crying.
What? No.
JULIA
TARIQ
Okay.
Because when I walked in here you were like
(he imitates someone crying)
You know?
I’m fine. I’m totally fine.
I really, um, like your hair
And your beard.
Thanks. I’m growing it out.
For how long?
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
The rest of my life probably. It’s for a friend.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 14.
That’s nice.
How was your first day. `
Great.
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
Julia starts to cry again.
Tariq sits down with her.
TARIQ
Yeah you’re definitely crying right now.
I don’t think I can do this.
I understand.
I mean I came back here for this.
This place is a mess right now.
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
I was at home living my life. I was fine.
TARIQ
It’s a lot
But what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. It gets easier as you go.
JULIA
I don’t know if I’ll be around to find out.
TARIQ
But
Julia. We need you. Carter is counting on you.
We’re all counting on you.
JULIA
I’m sorry. You have the wrong person.
I can’t do this.
Pause.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 15.
TARIQ
After my first day I was exactly the same. I was
Not taking any of this well.
In the beginning you see this stuff
You see a naked detainee handcuffed to their bed. Wrists raw
I don’t feel so good.
JULIA
TARIQ
And you’re like: Whoa. That’s sorta weird. That’s sorta bad.
But then the next day you come back and you see a few other naked guys handcuffed only
now they have, excuse my language, women’s panties on their heads and maybe people are
taking pictures of them
Oh man I really don’t feel good--
JULIA
TARIQ
And it’s like: Okay I guess I was expecting that.
Now it’s not a surprise anymore. Now it’s sort of normal.
I think I’m gonna puke.
JULIA
TARIQ
And then one day you’re pulling a detainee around on a dog leash and you realize this is the
only way to do this.
Julia starts puking all over herself.
TARIQ
Because how can you fight people you can’t see? I mean how do you fight terror?
With intelligence. And sometimes to get intelligence you gotta drag someone around on a
dog leash.
It took me a while to get that. But it’s just the way the world works.
Julia finishes puking.
I’m sorry. I have this condition.
Oh.
That’s why I retired.
It’s a heart condition.
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 16.
Oh no. Like one of those
Like a murmur?
It’s called myocardial atrophy.
Sort of sounds like a fancy dessert.
My heart is shrinking.
I’m so sorry.
I wish it was a fancy dessert.
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
Yeah that would be awesome. Heart conditions suck.
I assume. My heart is fine...
No you’re right. They suck.
You should get treatment for that.
Not here obviously but
Yeah. They’re doing all they can.
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
Good. That’s really good.
Actually now that I think about it
If I were you? I would go home too.
You would?
JULIA
TARIQ
I totally would. I mean
If I was here and saw all this and on top of that had a myro-heart-thing?
I would just go home.
Yeah...
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 17.
TARIQ
To America. Because you get that option.
Um, okay but-Do you have kids Julia?
No. Do you?
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
Yeah. I have a daughter. She doesn’t have a heart condition but if she got one we would in
big trouble. One time she started acting really strangely and was so tired like all the time.
She would just like sleep. For five or six days she didn’t go to the bathroom and didn’t want
to eat and I had no idea what to do. And I was like:
Where I’m at right now? If this is cancer or something else real bad? I am so fucked.
Both of us are super fucked.
And I felt like I was being a really horrible dad
And a really horrible friend for just waiting and like hoping for her to get better.
But then just she got better. So
(pause)
Which was amazing but
I guess what I’m saying is like
We’re here. My daughter gets the leftovers after this.
So I just wanna make sure I don’t totally fuck this up.
You know?
I understand.
JULIA
(looking down at her hands)
TARIQ
It’s hard work.
It’s hard to look someone in the eyes and do the things we do
But we’re the good guys. We’re trying to fix something that is totally fucked up.
Right?
...
Aren’t we?
Yes.
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 18.
TARIQ
So if you have to go home, I would understand.
But if you decide to stay, and to help us
We’d be lucky to have you.
My daughter would be lucky to have Julia Romero here for her.
Thank you.
But I just don’t think I can...
JULIA
Pause.
I get it.
I’m sorry.
No I get it.
It was lovely meeting you Julia.
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
(he stands)
Tariq turns to leave.
Tariq?
Yeah Julia?
What’s her name? Your daughter.
Her name is Tete.
That’s beautiful.She sounds
Special.
Maybe someday you’ll meet her.
Maybe someday
You’ll meet a child of mine.
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 19.
Tariq turns away and starts to softly weep.
He turns back to her.
Look.
Now you got me going.
Oh Tariq.
Good night Julia.
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
Tariq exits.
Lights.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 20.
3.
Lights up in the cell.
Abdul is sitting on the floor of his cell. He is sharing his gross
looking food with MUFFIN and SNIFFLES.
Muffin and Sniffles are rats.
They eat in silence.
Then:
SNIFFLES
So
...
Samir died.
MUFFIN
(erupting)
Goddamn it /Sniffles!
ABDUL
Wait what?
SNIFFLES
You weren’t gonna tell him!
MUFFIN
That was not discreet man. I mean fuck.
Waitwait-We said we were gonna tell him!
What / happened-You don’t just say out of nowhere:
‘Member Samir? Dude is dead.
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
ABDUL
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
That’s not what I said! Is that what I said? NO.
I said
“So...”
And then I paused. For effect
Like a solemn fucking effective pause
And then I said
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 21.
“Samir? He died”
That’s not how you said it.
(very solemnly, not at all how she said it)
MUFFIN
Abdul stands and starts waving his arms.
Hey! Hey!
Can we just
ABDUL
Muffin and Sniffles both look at their feet.
So that’s it?
So he’s dead?
Um...
Yeah. He’s dead.
I’m sorry Abdul.
ABDUL
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
Abdul, in a daze, sits back down.
No.
ABDUL
They sit in silence.
Sniffles takes a bite of her food and chews. Muffin shoots her a
look.
Sniffles drops the food.
When did it happen.
Yesterday.
ABDUL
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
We were in there with him. We’ve been looking after him the last few days.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 22.
He was sick.
I remember you saying.
Like really sick.
MUFFIN
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
That night he was finally getting some rest when the MP bust in.
Yelling like crazy.
Did they see you?
Doubt it.
We got out of there quick.
You need to be careful.
Don’t worry about us Abdul.
What’d they want?
SNIFFLES
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
ABDUL
MUFFIN
Contraband inspection. Got a tip a detainee on the tier smuggled in a gun somehow.
Hiding it in their cell.
I think it was bullshit.
And what happened.
We couldn’t really see.
SNIFFLES
ABDUL
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
But we heard them rough him up. Turned his cell upsidedown.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 23.
MUFFIN
They didn’t find anything so they brought him down to the Clink.
No...
He was dead in the morning.
ABDUL
MUFFIN
Pause.
And I guess what they did was-Sniffles!
No it’s okay. I want to hear.
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
They maced him until he was blind. Beat the fuck out of him. Hung him by his feet for five
hours before they realized he was dead.
Oh Samir...
ABDUL
Pause.
SNIFFLES
Muffin made you something she wants to give you.
Go on Muffin.
Muffin pulls out a small shank. She hands it to Abdul.
What’s this.
ABDUL
MUFFIN
It’s a shank. Made out of Samir’s old toothbrush.
SNIFFLES
We thought he’d want you to have it.
Abdul tries to hand it back.
I don’t want it.
ABDUL
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 24.
Please Abdul.
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
Just hold onto it. For Muffin’s sake. She went to a lot of trouble.
Abdul holds it. He puts it under his ratty pillow.
If it makes you feel better.
It does.
I won’t need it.
ABDUL
MUFFIN
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
Because your MP is a lady-guard now?
MUFFIN
Something wrong with lady guards?
SNIFFLES
I’m just saying.
I put my feelers out there. They’re assigning her to you full-time.
ABDUL
Well she’s not Carter so I’ll take it.
SNIFFLES
Word is she’s a war-hero or something.
That’s what I heard too.
War hero?
MUFFIN
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
Came out of retirement just for this.
Ha.
I’m serious.
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 25.
MUFFIN
They were talking about her in the break room.
SNIFFLES
How the war-hero is supposed to save this place or something.
Save?
ABDUL
MUFFIN
That’s what everyone is saying.
They were also talking about what she did.
How she earned her stripes.
Go on. Tell him Muffin.
Yeah?
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
Abdul shrugs or motions to her to go ahead and tell the story.
MUFFIN
Okay so
Um...
They said it was like three or four years back. She was stationed in, um
Mada ‘in Qada.
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
Right. Exactly.
And it’s like
It’s like the very last day of her tour. Suddenly there’s this ambush.
Fire fight out of nowhere.
She wasn’t in the middle of it but she grabbed this other guy in her platoon and together
they rode in on a Black Hawk for support.
But as they come in to land their pilot gets hit.
Now it’s just Julia Romero and her buddy in a helicopter and it’s going down. Fast.
Fuckin’ Mayday! Mayday!
And neither of ‘em knows how to fly a chopper. Obviously.
But Julia Romero doesn’t back down.
SNIFFLES
That’s what they said in the break room.
Doesn’t back down from anything.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 26.
MUFFIN
So she gets in the pilot seat. Grabs the controls and
I don’t even know how-Somehow
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
Somehow!
She lands that helicopter. Lucky to be alive.
But her and this guy look up and where are they?
Oh man get this.
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
Right in the middle of the Taliban’s goddamn Triangle of Death.
SNIFFLES
Very dangerous the Triangle of Death. Very fucking dangerous.
MUFFIN
Now if she had half brain she would turn tail and get the outta there.
But she’s got men that need her. So Julia Romero jumps out of the bird and crosses the
Triangle.
Dogging, running, spinning the snipers, the extremists, the terrorists.
Finally finds her squad. And it’s bad. It’s real bad.
Half of her men are dead, the other half wounded.
So over the next two days Julia Romero drags
I don’t even know how many of those men-Thirty.
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
Thirty! Yes thirty of these soldiers, through the Triangle, and back to the chopper.
She piled each of them--delicately, carefully--into the Black Hawk.
And then?
Am I telling this story or are you?
Sorry.
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
(turning to Sniffles)
SNIFFLES
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 27.
MUFFIN
And then?
Still with no idea how to fly this thing. Still lucky to be alive after taking the controls the
first time.
Then Julia Romero gets back in the pilot’s seat. Powers up that bird and flies all thirty of
her men back safely.
Each one of those men lived.
Each one of them owes their life to Julia Romero
SNIFFLES
And the other guy she had with her.
Yeah. Right.
Hm.
MUFFIN
ABDUL
MUFFIN
She saved thirty Americans lives that day.
Pause.
I give her two weeks.
What?!
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
She’s never backed down from anything!
I’m telling you. She’ll give up.
There’s nothing here to save...
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
She’s harder than you think Abdul.
Abdul considers this.
Then he lays down, curling up to go to sleep.
Muffin and Sniffles share a glance.
SNIFFLES
Do me a favor and keep that shank close.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 28.
Pause.
Abdul?
I will.
MUFFIN
ABDUL
Lights.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 29.
4.
Lights up on Carter’s nondescript office. A desk. Two chairs.
Carter, holding a folder, leads Julia in.
Grab a seat Julia.
CARTER
Julia sits. Carter closes the door.
CARTER
Well. I know the process has been intensive. It’s trial by fire here. Long nights, hours of
research. A lot of people just aren’t cut out for it.
I agree.
JULIA
CARTER
When they told us Julia Romero was going to be joining us here
Well, we were expecting a lot. Which is why I’m happy to say that you’ve successfully
completed your two-day training period in a record one and a half days.
He claps for her.
Oh. Wait, what?
JULIA
CARTER
This is a big deal. Never been done before.
Congratulations.
(opening the folder, pulling out a piece of paper)
You’re officially an enhanced interrogator.
They shake hands. He hands her the sheet of paper.
Oh. Wow.
That’s your uh
What-do-you-call-it.
Diploma.
Right. Thank you.
JULIA
(completely underwhelmed)
CARTER
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 30.
CARTER
And they just don’t hand those out. You are now a member of one of the most elite and
decorated organizations in the fight against global / terrorism-JULIA
(holding out her diploma)
Actually this is just a piece of construction paper.
And-What?
CARTER
JULIA
With a Chick-fil-A. receipt stapled to it.
He takes it and looks at it.
Well shit. Sorry about that.
We’ll get you your diploma a-sap.
CARTER
JULIA
It’s fine because I’m not / so sure I’ll be-CARTER
(sitting down behind the desk)
No no! You earned it. Some of the fellas call those two days of training “hell-week”
Or “hell-weekend” I guess. It’s only two days so
But you need a piece of paper that says as much! You survived hell-weekend Julia, I’m
proud of you.
Thanks.
JULIA
CARTER
I’m excited. We’ve got quite a responsibility here.
But I think our future is bright.
JULIA
Listen, Carter. I’ve been thinking-Suddenly Carter begins to weep.
Whoa.
I’msorryI’msorry.
JULIA
CARTER
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 31.
Um.
JULIA
CARTER
I’ve never done all that great under pressure. And now I’m supposed to run this place? How
do I do that?
I’m in these meetings and they’re like: Just so you know if you don’t get intelligence your
country is prolly gonna blow up. Your mom is prolly gonna blow up.
Are you gonna let your mom blow up?!
And I’m like: NO! But also like
FUCK! That’s like, that’s like
A lot of pressure...
EXACTLY!
JULIA
CARTER
He cries.
CARTER
I’m sorry. This is so inappropriate.
I can’t believe I’m crying in front of Julia Romero.
I can come back.
No! I’m fine. I’m fine.
JULIA
CARTER
He keeps crying.
CARTER
Would you
Would you just rub my shoulders? Am I total asshole for asking you to rub my shoulders a
little?
Ummm
JULIA
Julia leans over and sort of pats his shoulder and maybe gives it a
quick squeeze, then leans back.
CARTER
Ugh. Thank you. We’re so lucky to have you here.
That’s kind of you to say but--
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 32.
CARTER
I don’t think I would have survived today if you weren’t here.
See, we got word
Today we got word that they’re doing a review.
Who is?
JULIA
CARTER
The Defense Department. The stupid Secretary of Defense is coming to do a review of our
facilities.
When?
JULIA
CARTER
They don’t even tell you! That’s the worst part!
I’m sure you’ll be fine.
JULIA
CARTER
Pssf. Yeah right. It’s just an excuse to shut this place down. They know the intelligence
we’ve gotten is completely hollow. It’s nothing. This place is embarrassing.
This whole outpost was created to find one person. One person and we can’t even do that.
JULIA
I’m sorry you’re having a bad day, but I came here to tell you that I’m not able to continue
on here as an MP for you.
Carter looks up at her.
Wait. What?
I just don’t think I can do this. So
So I’m quitting.
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
I thought Julia Romero doesn’t back down from anything.
Yeah well
Sorry I guess.
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 33.
But
What’s Buck going to do?
I’m-Buck?
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
Buck Sherbert.
The guy who helped you save all those people in the Triangle of Death.
What about him?
You mean they didn’t tell you?
...
Buck is missing.
What?
I thought they briefed you.
They didn’t tell me anything.
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
It should have at least been in the training video-Carter. Can you just
What the fuck is going on?
JULIA
CARTER
A little over a year ago Buck just up and vanished.
Family? Friends? No one had any idea where he was.
We weren’t sure what to think either
Until we found this.
Carter goes into his desk and finds a glossy picture.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 34.
He hands it to her.
CARTER
This picture was taken nine months ago. The quality is, well
Pretty shitty.
JULIA
CARTER
Yeah. Sorry.
Two men died getting us this information.
That guy in the middle there is Adulla Hamid al-Farha, leader of a splinter of extremists
outside Aziziyah. It’s a remote area. We don’t know much about them but they do not
appear to give many fucks.
Though the clarity on the image is pretty shoddy, we do believe this hostage here is Buck
Sherbert.
She looks closely at the picture.
That’s him. That’s Buck.
Shit.
It’s not a great situation.
No it’s not.
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
And the President is super pissed. You both are in cross-hairs of a lot of people.
A lot of groups.
So he created an intelligence force to handle this specifically.
After a few months with almost no progress, Washington decided to rachet things up a bit.
So they built this camp.
Our classified priority, Julia
Is to bring Buck Sherbert home.
JULIA
(it’s all clear now)
CARTER
And we’re in a very unique position to do so. See we happen to have the highest
concentration of detainees from the Aziziyah region.
al-Farha’s men are here.
Someone here knows something.
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 35.
CARTER
Exactly
And the idea was
By bringing you in
By bringing in someone who knows Buck better than anyone
Someone who has a proven track record
That we’d have a chance at finding Sargent Sherbert. Making sure he gets home safely.
Julia considers this.
I’d need complete control.
Of course.
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
If I’m going to run with this I need to do it my way.
CARTER
I’m giving this to you. Project Leader.
You’ll still report to me for all intents and purposes
But if you’re ready...
We need you.
When do we get started.
Tonight.
JULIA
CARTER
Lights.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 36.
5.
Lights up on Abdul’s cell. He’s sleeping in a corner.
Julia enters wearing a new ski mask -- the sales tag is visible.
JULIA
OKAY! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU’RE ABOUT TO
Um
GET READY TERRORIST!
Abdul snores.
Julia, not immediately seeing him, looks around.
Where the fuck is this guy?
She lifts her mask and spots him. She softly walks over to him.
She leans down.
Booboo? Um.
Hey.
Hey!
JULIA
Abdul starts. He looks up and sees Julia.
Oh. What?
Whoa. Sorry.
Yeah. Time to wake up.
I think you forgot something.
That’s right. Wake-y wake-y.
ABDUL
JULIA
ABDUL
JULIA
Abdul motions to her mask which is still resting on top of her head.
What?
Your mask. You forgot to--
JULIA
ABDUL
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 37.
I can’t understand you Paki.
Nono, your mask.
Oh shit.
JULIA
(trying hard)
ABDUL
(motioning more)
JULIA
(realizing)
She turns around and pulls her mask down.
She turns back to him.
Okay get up! Get the fuck up!
JULIA
He stands.
And now--!
JULIA
He walks over to where he was strung up in the first scene. He
stands ready.
JULIA
Yeah. Exactly.
Get ready for some fucking interrogation!
Julia takes the rope.
With rope!
JULIA
She hesitates. Doesn’t know how to do this.
Okay so
JULIA
She looks around.
How does this work?
Abdul takes the rope from her. He tosses it over a beam above
them.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 38.
Um.
Thank you.
Booboo.
JULIA
She ties his hands.
Abdul. My name isn’t Booboo.
What.
ABDUL
JULIA
Sniffles and Muffin enter the cell through the pipes. They watch
from afar, hidden.
My name is Abdul.
I can’t understand you Booboo...
Abdul.
Abdul. Oh. That’s your name.
Okay. Hi Abdul.
Hi.
Hi.
Okay. My name is Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Yeah. Right.
I guess, uh
I guess now we’ve met so...
ABDUL
JULIA
ABDUL
(points to himself)
JULIA
ABDUL
JULIA
(puts her hand on her chest)
ABDUL
JULIA
Pause.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 39.
They stare at each other.
Julia finds herself and suddenly jerks on the rope. Abdul’s arms
are above his head.
Arg!
ABDUL
JULIA
Sorry!
I mean
FUCK YOU!
PAKI!
STOP FLYING PLANES INTO BUILDINGS!
My arms!
This is for Buck mother fucker!
Please no!
ABDUL
JULIA
ABDUL
She jerks the rope tighter.
Sniffles and Muffin frantically and silently try to figure out how to
save Abdul.
Aaargh!
ABDUL
JULIA
(coming very close to his face while also holding the rope)
So help me god I will pull this so tight your fucking arms come off.
Now where the fuck is Buck Sherbert! I know you know!
You hear me Abdul? You listening?
Yes. Julia.
ABDUL
(in English)
[When Abdul speaks English or tries to speak English, we need to
be able to recognize the difference. Maybe suddenly he’s speaking in
a pretty offensive impression of an Arabic accent. That’s just one
idea. It can be something offensive or something more suggestive.]
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 40.
[We just need to be able to distinguish between when he’s saying
something in his language and when he’s attempting to speak Julia’s
language.]
Muffin sees a small pipe and speaks into it.
Her voices echoes throughout the cell, it sounds completely different.
STOP!
MUFFIN
Julia stumbles back, frightened.
She doubles over. Has a coughing fit. Rips her mask off, trying to
catch her breath.
For a moment she looks like she’s working through it. She takes a
deep breath...
And then collapses.
Abdul catches her.
Christ!
Oh my, oh my, oh my...
Is she okay?
Is she dead?
SNIFFLES
ABDUL
(to Julia, softly)
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
Abdul looks closely at her. He brushes the hair out of her face.
I don’t know.
ABDUL
He reaches over and takes a handful of water out of the
waterboarding bucket.
He softly puts the water on Julia’s forehead and on the back of her
neck.
She starts to come to a little.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 41.
What did you say to her Muffin?
She didn’t say shit.
I just wanted her to stop.
Ask her if she’s okay.
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
Ask if she okay?! Like we give a shit about this lady-guard!
Sniffles she just collapsed.
Abdul I think we / oughta-Can you just ask her!
ABDUL
MUFFIN
ABDUL
Muffin, reluctantly, speaks into the pipe.
Ummmmm
You okay there lady-guard?
MUFFIN
Slowly Julia opens her eyes.
Hm? Oh.
JULIA
(now everything hurts)
Ohhhhh fuck. Ohhhh ouch. My heart. Oh my god. Oh my god.
What happened?
The rats just stand there tapping their feet.
Well what’d she say?
ABDUL
Pause.
She said she’s fine.
SNIFFLES
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 42.
Sniffles!
She’s like--!
I dunno. Confused I guess.
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
ABDUL
Tell her she fainted. Tell her what happened.
Sniffles leans over to the pipe. Now her voices echoes. It also sounds
different.
SNIFFLES
Um, you sorta got all woozy and coughed a bunch and then you went cross eyed and ...
Like
Fell over.
Oh my god. Oh my god.
Did you tell her?
I have this
I have a condition.
What’s she saying!
She said she’s sick.
It’s my heart.
She said her heart is all janky.
Muffin what did she say?!
JULIA
ABDUL
(to the rats)
JULIA
(in a daze, to Abdul, as if he understands)
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
JULIA
(still fixed on Abdul)
SNIFFLES
ABDUL
MUFFIN
That’s what she said! Sniff is telling the truth...
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 43.
You’re okay now.
ABDUL
(to Julia)
Muffin leans into the pipe.
Abdul took care of you.
Abdul...
Yes. You remember.
Abdul.
Julia.
MUFFIN
JULIA
ABDUL
She looks at his face.
Thank you Abdul.
She said thank you.
She said thank you for saving me.
I didn’t do anything.
He says you’re welcome.
JULIA
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
(into the pipe)
Julia and Abdul stare at each other for a moment.
Julia starts to come to. Sits upright and rubs her eyes.
Wait. Wait.
Who am I
Who is that talking?
What’s wrong?
JULIA
ABDUL
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 44.
Who else is here?
Uhhhhhh...
JULIA
SNIFFLES
Julia tries stands up. She’s shaky.
JULIA
You are in breach of an official enhanced--!
Julia stumbles and falls over again.
This time she catches herself, though just barely.
She breathes heavily into the ground.
I can’t do this. I can’t do this.
JULIA
(to herself)
Muffin leans over and speaks into the pipe.
We didn’t mean to scare you.
Who are you?
You...are in breach...of a--
MUFFIN
JULIA
(really trying)
SNIFFLES
Actually you’re in breach okay? Of, like, protocol and shit.
What?
JULIA
SNIFFLES
I’m in the basement in this super secret room watching you on cameras.
JULIA
There are no cameras in these cells.
SNIFFLES
Oh no? Does this sound like a room with no cameras in it?
Sniffles looks at Muffin.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 45.
Muffin makes beeping noises. Maybe they are some sorry sounding
beeping noises that are clearly fake: “Um, beep...boop beep.”
Maybe when Muffin opens her mouth the most complex and
realistic sounding beeping noises come out.
Oh my god...
JULIA
SNIFFLES
Exactly! And what we just saw was one sorry ass excuse for an interrogation.
(trying hard to make this all sound very technical and out of line)
Oh let me count the ways.
How about, um
Commencing interrogation without proper, like, face covering!
I couldn’t see!
Fraternizing with the detainee!
JULIA
SNIFFLES
JULIA
I didn’t fraternize! There was no fraternizing!
Telling the detainee your name!
I was trying to--!
SNIFFLES
JULIA
SNIFFLES
Having a moving moment that crosses languages and cultures where you learn your
detainee’s name!
I...
JULIA
SNIFFLES
Yeah. We saw that. And we didn’t like it!
We’re liable to take this right to the top! We’ll see what your president has to say about
MP’s flirting with terrorists.
I wasn’t flirting!
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 46.
HOWEVER!
SNIFFLES
(pause)
However most of us here in the secret camera room happen to be fans of Julia Romero and
the work she’s done for
Like
Uhhh
Freedom and whatnot.
MUFFIN
(leaning over, speaking into the pipe)
SNIFFLES
Exactly.
So we may be willing to let this slide.
I’ll do anything.
JULIA
SNIFFLES
Just take it easy on this guy here and we’ll be square.
Thank you. Thank you.
JULIA
Julia sighs a sigh of relief but winces at the pain of it.
Are you okay?
MUFFIN
Julia sort of moves her body into a slightly more comfortable
position.
I’m okay.
JULIA
She looks at Abdul.
You can understand Abdul?
Yeah, duh.
JULIA
SNIFFLES
She considers this.
She and Abdul stare at each other, unmoving.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 47.
JULIA
Can you ask him why he helped me?
The rats hesitate a little.
What.
She’s asking you questions now.
Tell me.
ABDUL
(to the rats)
MUFFIN
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
She wants to know why you didn’t just let her fall on her face.
MUFFIN
She’s probably confused since she was like, right in the middle of kicking your ass.
Tell her I
Tell her that I uhhh...
ABDUL
(he thinks)
SNIFFLES
(to Julia)
He said he’s been in here for almost a year now. A year.
You know what my man was doing before they brought him in here?
Dude is a barber. He cut hair.
Come downstairs and find his arrest sheet.
They wanted it shredded so no one would know but we hid it down here.
You’ll see why they brought him in. Who he actually is.
Is that
Um, allowed?
JULIA
SNIFFLES
We watch what goes on in these cells every single day.
Someone comes in here and fucks up this barber and asks him questions like he knows
something.
So , yeah, I guess it would have been within his rights to let your heart condition work its
magic. Honestly, in my opinion, it sort of would have been a tiny victory.
The only one he’s gotten so far.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 48.
But that’s not Abdul.
That’s just not how he functions.
Oh...
JULIA
They all sit there in silence for a bit.
MUFFIN
Is there anything else you want us to ask him?
What?
JULIA
MUFFIN
We can translate more if you have, like, questions. For you job.
You’d do that?
Sure. If it helps. If it helps Abdul.
JULIA
MUFFIN
JULIA
I don’t think we can do that. If Carter found out I’d be-SNIFFLES
Forget about Carter. We won’t tell him. The guy’s a total turd anyway.
Yeah I guess he is sort of a turd.
Go ahead. Ask us your questions.
This way no one has to get hurt...
JULIA
MUFFIN
Julia looks at Abdul.
Lights.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 49.
6.
Lights up on Carter’s office.
Tariq is in a chair. Carter is seated on the edge of his desk in the
middle of a story.
CARTER
On top of all that, the goddamn ink cartridge is low!
No!
TARIQ
CARTER
Yeah so basically this is the worst day ever. Basically I’m about to shoot myself in the face.
Ink cartridge fucks me so the copies of the report are all shitty and faded.
Oh jeez.
TARIQ
CARTER
Just wait.
I take the elevator upstairs and somehow
Fucking miracle of miracles, I still have like three minutes before this meeting.
But now because of all that coconut water I gotta piss like a goddamn race horse.
So I run to the bathroom-Julia enters hurriedly.
Carter! I don’t think Booboo--
JULIA
She sees they’re sitting there talking.
Oh. Sorry.
Hey Julia.
Hi Tariq.
Sorry I can come back-Is this an emergency?
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
CARTER
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 50.
Actually
Yes it is--
JULIA
CARTER
Oh...
Okay well just gimme a second. You’re gonna wanna hear this too. You’re gonna love this.
He’s having the worst day ever.
Exactly.
TARIQ
(turning to Julia)
CARTER
(he acts the following out, mimes stating at a urinal)
So I’m in the bathroom and I have to put the stack of reports in my mouth like this.
Got no where else for it. Need both hands free or my bladder is gonna burst.
So I unzip and start to drain the main vein.
I’m gonna come back.
JULIA
(turning to leave)
CARTER
Almost done! Two seconds.
Mid-piss my phone goes off. But it’s here in my shirt pocket so I sorta jump a little and--and
I dunno how--but I let go of the reports
No.
TARIQ
CARTER
They fall into the urinal. Fucking reports fall into the urinal.
No.
TARIQ
CARTER
And I piss all the fuck over them. Reports are drenched in my piss.
(laughing)
And so
Yeah. And so that was basically it.
Did you present the report?
TARIQ
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 51.
Had to.
That’s...disgusting.
CARTER
(shrugging)
TARIQ
CARTER
Yeah well
The fellas had a pretty good laugh about it. I dunno.
What’s up Julia?
Booboo’s not from Aziziyah.
What?
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
I don’t even think he’s from Iraq. The likelihood that he has anything to do with al-Farha
or has any intelligence on Buck Sherbert’s whereabouts seems
Remote.
Whoa whoa whoa.
How did you find this out?
Um
Interrogation techniques.
Techniques on who?
Booboo.
You got intelligence from Booboo?
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
(shrugging)
Yeah. You can watch the camera footage if you don’t believe me.
What camera footage?
TARIQ
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 52.
CARTER
Julia, that’s
Incredible! I’m impressed. I mean he’s obviously lying but I’m very very impressed.
JULIA
I don’t think he’s lying. I pulled his arrest sheet here and-CARTER
(walking up to Julia)
No he totally is. He’s totally had contact with Buck Sherbert. Like totally.
How do we know that.
Hm. Well. It’s, you know
Classified.
Carter.
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
Julia I’m sorry! It’s classified.
But I can guarantee you that he’s had physical contact with Buck Sherbert.
JULIA
If I can’t confirm that with my intel I can’t follow that lead.
I need to see your reports.
My hands are tied here.
CARTER
JULIA
That’s bullshit.
I thought I was going to have complete control.
CARTER
And you do! You clearly do.
Because Booboo is talking to you!
That’s control. That’s exciting.
Now we need you to push him harder.
I’m not sure that’s--
JULIA
CARTER
Try a two-day stress position. I’d start there. What do you think Tariq.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 53.
Ramp things up a bit.
TARIQ
(softly nodding)
JULIA
Carter if you’d just take a look here
Abdul’s car loosely fit the description of a vehicle on our hit-list. He got a flat tire on his way
to his barbershop. The crumb who picked him up said he was quote “resisting” so they
brought him in. A year ago! Fucking profiling plain and simple Carter.
Well stereotypes can sometimes--
CARTER
JULIA
(she flips the page)
And look, the vehicle we were actually looking for was picked up two days later in Baghdad.
Nowhere near the-Julia can we--
CARTER
JULIA
His paperwork hasn’t even been processed. He’s a ghost.
Hold on now-He doesn’t belong here Carter.
Yes he does-We need to let him go.
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
Let him-Whooooo!
Julia I think you’re a little
I love your
Um
Intensity here but
Julia this man has intelligence value.
JULIA
I’m looking at the arrest sheet and he hasn’t done anything wrong.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 54.
CARTER
He doesn’t have to do something wrong to know something wrong. To know something that
could save American lives. That could save an American city.
I’m sorry.
Honestly Abdul is one of the rock stars in this place. He’s a high high value detainee.
He’s not getting out of here.
But--
JULIA
CARTER
He’s just not Julia. He’s too important to us. That’s all I can say.
But the arrest sheet.
JULIA
CARTER
Julia. The fact that you’re getting anything out of this guy is extremely important to this
operation.
We’re getting closer to Buck. And this is really wow-factor stuff for when the department
comes in for their review -- which could be any day now. They can’t shut us down if we get
more of this.
JULIA
They’re not going to shut us down.
CARTER
I like that attitude. Keep that up.
I’m proud of you Julia. This is going in my next report.
And I’m going to make it a point not to piss on it this time.
Thanks.
JULIA
CARTER
Just keep doing what you’ve been doing.
Keep at it. We’ll break him.
Feel free to stop by anytime.
Carter heads back over to his desk.
JULIA
Actually.
Sorry. Actually I just had one more question.
What is it?
CARTER
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 55.
Well. Has anyone ever
Um
Developed feelings for a detainee?
What kind of feelings?
Yeah, like feelings of hatred?
JULIA
TARIQ
CARTER
TARIQ
You tend to develop feelings of hatred.
JULIA
No. No. I’m thinking closer to feelings of, like
Okay so
What I’m asking is
Like
Have you guys ever been
Like
Interrogating someone and
Um
I guess
Have you ever
...
Fallen in love with them?
Pause.
Cater and Tariq bust out laughing.
They do not stop laughing.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 56.
CARTER
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHA
TARIQ
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHA
It goes on for nearly an entire minute before their laughter slowly
starts to die.
CARTER
Ohhhhhh man. That was good Julia.
Gotta tell the fellas that one.
Lights.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 57.
7.
Lights up on Abdul’s cell.
Abdul is doing yoga.
The rats look pissed.
You can’t be serious.
I’m not asking you to understand.
She fucking beats you!
SNIFFLES
ABDUL
SNIFFLES
ABDUL
Maybe I like it when it’s coming from her.
That’s psychotic.
SNIFFLES
ABDUL
No it’s not. Lots of people are into that kind of thing.
SNIFFLES
Yeah not when they’re in a actual fucking torture camp!
MUFFIN
Comes across as pretty unhealthy Abdul.
ABDUL
I don’t know what to tell you.
I feel better than I felt in two years.
Suddenly the door starts getting unlocked.
Okay! You guys gotta-We’ll be here if you need us!
ABDUL
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
I’m not letting you go down like Samir!
The rats scurry away.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 58.
Abdul prepares to maybe be tortured.
Julia enters without her mask on.
JULIA
GET BACK MOTHER FUCKER!
She locks the door behind her.
She turns and looks at him.
Abdul watches as she walks up to him.
Thought you were rid of me, eh?
JULIA
Julia grabs the collar of Abdul’s shirt and pulls him to her. She
attempts to speak the following very discretely and through her teeth,
like a crappy ventriloquist.
We’re in danger...
What?
JULIA
ABDUL
JULIA
You have to understand, my unit hasn’t set up any cameras in here. It’s not my people who were watching
us. It’s someone else...
I don’t--
SHUT UP!
ABDUL
JULIA
(now very big again, playing along)
Julia reels back and swings her arm like she’s going to hit Abdul.
Instead of striking him she does a really bad “stage punch” sort of
thing that is painfully fake.
Abdul watches the punch in disbelief.
JULIA
And there’s more where that came from!
(discrete)
Are you hungry?
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 59.
Julia takes some food (bread maybe) out of her pocket and again
acts like she’s going to hit Abdul.
Instead of hitting him she shoves the food into his mouth.
None of this is graceful.
JULIA
I’m sorry it’s not much, I’ll bring more tomorrow.
(big)
HA-HA-HA! DIRECT HIT BY ME!
AH YES I DO LOVE TO PUNCH THESE LOCAL TERRORISTS.
Over the following she does more very bad stage combat on Abdul.
JULIA
You’re my priority Abdul. You’re my responsibility
She has his arm pinned behind his back.
What are you doing?
ABDUL
JULIA
Scream or something. “Ahhh!” You know? Let ‘er rip!
Ohhhh. Ouch. Ouchy.
ABDUL
(finally playing along)
JULIA
YEAH! LEARNED THIS LITTLE TRICK IN KUWAIT! I’LL SNAP THIS THING
CLEAN OFF IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!
(discreet)
I saw your arrest sheet. I think I can help you. You didn’t have to help me when I passed out in here the
other day. I don’t know how but I’m going to return the favor.
ABDUL
(stepping away from her)
Stop. Wait. I can’t understand you.
Nono! Don’t do that.
Julia, listen.
JULIA
ABDUL
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 60.
Abdul you can’t--
JULIA
(big, trying to save this)
DON’T GIVE ME ANY LIP BOOBOO! I LEARNED SO MANY TORTURE TRICKS
IN KUWAIT YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU EVER-Abdul moves to the pipes.
ABDUL
Muffin! Sniffles! Can you guys come out here please?
Julia is frantically moving around the space, not sure what to do.
Noooo! Fuck! Jesus Christ man!
JULIA
ABDUL
Hey guys? Guys! I need your help here!
Julia runs over to Abdul and tries to cover his mouth.
They sort of fight.
ABDUL
What are you-What are you doing?
(etc.)
JULIA
Stop!
They’re going to hear!
(etc.)
The rats emerge from the pipes.
Julia freezes with her hand over Abdul’s mouth when she sees them.
She stares.
Muffin slowly waves.
Um. Hi.
MUFFIN
Julia walks to the rats.
She looks at them in disbelief.
Muffin puts out her hand.
I’m Muffin.
MUFFIN
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 61.
Julia shakes it in a daze.
Julia Romero.
Yeah we know.
This is Sniffles.
JULIA
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
Julia shakes her hand.
She turns to Abdul.
The monitor? The cameras?
Yeah. That was us. Sorry.
Not sorry.
JULIA
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
Julia turns and slowly walks over to the cell wall. She starts banging
her head on the wall.
SNIFFLES
Whoawhoa!
MUFFIN
What is she doing?
Abdul races over.
Julia! Stop!
ABDUL
JULIA
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE?!
Here, come here. Sit down.
ABDUL
They sit on Abdul’s metal bed.
She leans her head into him and tries to calm down.
He strokes her head.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 62.
Shhhhhhhh...
ABDUL
Julia looks up at Abdul.
Hi.
Hi.
JULIA
ABDUL
Pause.
ABDUL
I had a dream about you last night.
JULIA
I didn’t mean to scare you yesterday. See I have this condition.
ABDUL
Not a dream where everything was better.
It’s called myocardial atrophy.
JULIA
ABDUL
Actually everything was a lot worse.
You were in here with me.
JULIA
Most people think it sounds like a fancy dessert but basically it means my heart is shrinking.
ABDUL
We could hear Carter and them marching in the hallway on the other side the door.
JULIA
I’m not exactly sure how much time I have left but the prognosis is
To be honest it’s not very good.
ABDUL
We knew they were going to come in here. To hurt us. Only we didn’t know when.
And there’s no cure so
JULIA
ABDUL
We were very scared. But we were also very brave.
Because we were here together.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 63.
JULIA
I was diagnosed when I was 15 and ever since I’ve constantly been waiting for it to get,
like, real bad.
ABDUL
And then suddenly we were in my barbershop. Back home.
Julia touches his face.
JULIA
Because it’s going to get real bad. One day. Only I don’t really know when.
ABDUL
The place was empty, and it was just you and me.
JULIA
There were lots of things I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to do.
And we didn’t have any clothes.
Things I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel.
ABDUL
JULIA
ABDUL
And you had the longest most beautiful hair I had ever seen.
Didn’t think I could ever feel...
For someone else.
JULIA
(she was now very close to him)
ABDUL
You asked me to cut it. And so I did.
They look at each other.
ABDUL
I dunno. I guess I sort of have weird dreams...
In a flash they both lunge and kiss. It’s such a great kiss.
They separate. Julia takes his face in her hands.
SNIFFLES
She was telling you about her janky heart and how it’s basically a ticking time bomb.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 64.
MUFFIN
And he was talking telling you about this weird dream where he gave you a naked haircut.
I know.
ABDUL
I know.
JULIA
They kiss again.
JULIA
(to the rats)
They think he knows things. About Buck Sherbert.
What the fuck is a Buck Sherbert?
SNIFFLES
JULIA
A few years back he and I helped rescue some of our soldiers out of the Triangle of Death-Oh yeah yeah yeah. We heard.
MUFFIN
JULIA
Buck was there alongside me. Buck risked his life to save those men.
He’s an American hero and now he’s being held prisoner.
SNIFFLES
Wait wait and they think Abdul knows something about it?
Yeah.
JULIA
SNIFFLES
What I said about him being a barber wasn’t a lie. He doesn’t know shit.
MUFFIN
Were you aware your friend was missing before you got here?
Um. No but-Then there you go! Typical Carter.
I’m not sure what--
JULIA
SNIFFLES
JULIA
SNIFFLES
They say shit like that all the time. It’s always a different name.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 65.
They do tend to over blow things.
So you drink the kool-aid!
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
I certainly wouldn’t say that you friend isn’t in trouble but
SNIFFLES
They say what they need to say to get people’s hands dirty.
But they had photos.
Of course they did!
JULIA
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
They probably told you there was gonna be some review too.
Didn’t they?
Um. Yeah.
SNIFFLES
JULIA
SNIFFLES
Ugh I hate these fucks! They always threaten the review. No one ever comes through here.
This doesn’t make sense.
JULIA
MUFFIN
We’ve been here for quite some time and
Sorry to say, we’ve heard all this before.
Julia looks over at Abdul.
I tried to have him released but...
They won’t listen.
JULIA
Julia walks over and sits with Abdul.
JULIA
I won’t let anything happen to you. I’ll protect you Abdul.
I’ll get you out of here.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 66.
How?
MUFFIN
JULIA
I don’t know, okay? I’ll think of something. I’m American.
What...do...we...do?
ABDUL
(in English)
JULIA
(she kisses his forehead)
Well...
If it’s intelligence they want, then that’s what we give ‘em. Right?
We get creative. I know enough about Buck and you know enough about
Like, Middle East stuff
That I’m sure we could lead them on for as long as we have to.
I can bring food. And water.
No one will get hurt. As long as the intel is coming in, they’ll leave us alone.
Whether or not any of it is actually true.
But then what?
MUFFIN
JULIA
Then nothing. We buy time and wait for this to end. Because one day the American military
is going to answer for theses injustices. You can’t just flush the Geneva Convention and
expect to get away with it.
Now it’s our responsibility to take these fuckers to task. As long we remain vigilant about
posting articles to Facebook that highlight general social and political grievances, eventually
the patriarchy will crumble.
We’re close. And when that day comes
We’ll ready. And Abdul will walk out of these doors a free man.
Pause.
Yikes.
Yeah. Good luck.
I know. Shit.
Are we fucked? We’re fucked.
I dunno.
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
JULIA
MUFFIN
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 67.
SNIFFLES
What about a tunnel? Would a tunnel work?
Huh?
JULIA
SNIFFLES
If Carter and his cronies are dedicated to perpetually fucking Abdul up the ass, how about
we just Shawshank out of this piece.
Can we do that?
JULIA
MUFFIN
Actually it wouldn’t be all that difficult.
This place was built on a landfill. It’s like paper mache.
SNIFFLES
We just need tools and a place to bring the dirt.
Julia reaches down and touches the ground. It comes up very easily.
She looks at Abdul.
What are you saying??
I think we have an idea Abdul.
ABDUL
JULIA
Lights.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 68.
8.
Lights up on two scenes happening at once.
Abdul and Julia are in his cell creating intel in one space.
In the other, Carter is in his office going over the reports he’s getting
from Julia’s “interrogation”
In Abdul’s cell, Abdul is on his feet presenting an idea to Julia.
Julia sits with a pen and paper. Muffin standby and translate.
Sniffles is in the corner of the cell digging. They have only just
started the tunnel.
ABDUL
(with such passion, he’s actually really great at this)
South of Aziziyah there’s this old shoe factory that’s been shut down for years.
MUFFIN
(to Julia)
Down south! Abandoned shoe factory!
Julia quickly scribbles all this down.
ABDUL
We’ll say al-Farha has like a um
Cousin!
That they had a small camp set up there a few months ago! They only just missed them.
In the other space, Carter reads this report.
Dear god...
CARTER
ABDUL
And the cousin’s name can be like
(he hesitates)
What’s something Americans would believe?
...Achmed Muhmmad Bengazi??!
Perfect!
CARTER
(reading)
JULIA
Snap transition!
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 69.
Bodies in movement.
Carter is putting on a tie. Is he crying? No he’s laughing.
Julia and Carter both digging furiously. The tunnel is taking shape.
Everyone stops! They think they hear someone and quickly cover up
the tunnel with some sort of cool and very effective camouflage.
The rats scurry up a wall. Into the audience? They can hide
anywhere.
Suddenly, lights up on Carter presenting his report to a board.
Julia and Carter are crouched, staring at each other.
CARTER
I apologize on calling this meeting on such sort notice but
Well things have been moving pretty fast over here.
Hair.
Hair.
ABDUL
(pointing to his hair)
JULIA
(in Arabic)
Abdul takes off his shirt. A reward? Or a bet?
CARTER
We’ve gotten some timely intelligence on the suspected whereabouts of al-Farha’s cousin.
Julia takes off her shirt.
Heart.
Heart.
JULIA
(touching her heart)
ABDUL
(English)
They strip more.
CARTER
This stuff is white hot you guys. We need to move on this now.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 70.
Mouth...
JULIA
(pointing to her mouth)
Abdul reaches out.
They kiss.
CARTER
A few more weeks and we’re gonna win this fucking war.
Snap transition!
Abdul and Julia still kissing.
Carter is jerking off. He cums. He cries. Yeah he is definitely
crying this time.
Suddenly the transition stops.
Lights up on the cell, everything looks more romantic.
There are some candles burning. Maybe a picnic basket.
Julia is playing with Abdul’s hair.
Abdul. I love you.
I love you. Julia.
JULIA
ABDUL
(in English)
Julia hums a song.
ABDUL
I’ve been thinking...
I want you to come with me. When the tunnel is finished, I want you to be with me on the
outside. I want to be with you...forever.
Oh Abdul.
JULIA
They kiss and kiss and kiss. It heats up.
After a time they start having sex with each other.
It’s slow and very sensual but then really starts to heat up.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 71.
They are so in love with each other but this is some basic sex. Do
not make this hot. It’s hot to them but doesn’t look all that sexy to
watch.
They are really into it though.
They are both moaning.
They moan and moan.
One of them is about to cum.
Suddenly someone knocks on the door to the cell.
Everything okay in there Julia?!
CARTER
(through the door)
JULIA
YES EVERYTHING IS COMPLETELY FINE!
Julia starts trying to make torturing noises.
Abdul starts to make noises like he’s being tortured.
PRAISE CHRIST! YES YES!
JULIA
ABDUL
OUCH OUCH. FUCK YES. OUCH. I’M BEING TORTURED RIGHT NOW!
JULIA
TAKE IT! TAKE IT! HOW ABOUT SOME FUCKING WATER BOARDING, YOU
WANT THAT?
ABDUL
OH SHIT PLEASE DON’T POUR WATER ON MY HEAD!
JULIA
HOW ABOUT SOME ELECTRODES TERRORIST! YOU LIKE THAT? YOU
FUCKING LIKE THAT?
ABDUL
YES I FUCKING LIKE THAT BABY! I MEAN NO! I MEAN OUCH!
THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT PLEASURABLE RIGHT NOW!
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 72.
ABDUL
I’M GONNA CUM BABY,
I’M GONNA
GUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUH.
JULIE
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHH!
Abdul and Julia both cum at the exactly same time.
They are exhausted.
They are kissing each other.
Pause.
CARTER
(through the door)
Okay so just let me know if you need anything.
I guess.
Over the following Abdul and Julia hold each other and slowly fall
asleep.
Carter enters the break room where Tariq is seated eating some
string cheese.
Hey Tariq.
Oh. Hi Carter.
How’s your daughter.
She’s okay. Thanks for asking.
CARTER
TARIQ
CARTER
TARIQ
Carter sits down across from Tariq.
Hey Tariq?
Yeah.
CARTER
TARIQ
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 73.
Does Julia seem
I don’t know.
Strange at all to you?
CARTER
Tariq thinks.
Nah.
TARIQ
CARTER
Okay. That’s actually sort of great to hear because I’ve been-TARIQ
Actually.
Actually when you asked me to look over her last report yesterday there was something
weird.
CARTER
Which report?
About the attempt on the airport in Karbaba?
Yeah. That.
Karbaba isn’t a city.
It’s Karbala.
TARIQ
CARTER
Oh. Well.
She probably just misheard him. Or a typo or
And there’s no airport in Karbala.
Oh.
TARIQ
CARTER
Pause.
You’re sure?
Yup.
Hm.
CARTER
TARIQ
CARTER
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 74.
Pause.
CARTER
Tariq I just walked by Booboo’s cell while Julia was administering interrogation and it
sounded like
It sounded like they were having sex with each other or something.
Hm.
Was she raping him?
I don’t think so.
I guess that is strange.
Am I going crazy or what?
I don’t know man. I don’t know.
Want some string cheese?
No.
Actually yeah, thank you.
TARIQ
CARTER
TARIQ
CARTER
TARIQ
CARTER
They share the string cheese.
Lights.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 75.
9.
Lights up on the break room.
Julia is in there alone. She is applying lipstick, looking into a small
mirror.
Tariq enters holding a folder.
Hey Julia!
Tariq. Hi.
Got a sec?
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
Not really, I was just about to make my rounds-Roger that. Real quick
TARIQ
Julia finishes applying her lipstick. She’s not really listening.
TARIQ
I got a look at your, uh report here. It’s pretty
Well it’s explosive stuff.
Thank you.
JULIA
TARIQ
In fact your reports for the past two weeks now have been...
Julia, this is the kind of intelligence people dream about.
It certainly is.
It’s uh
Sort of unbelievable actually.
JULIA
TARIQ
Julia snaps her small make-up mirror shut.
Is it?
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 76.
TARIQ
Well
In my experience I’ve never seen intelligence come this quick. I’ve never seen a detainee be
broken and then just sort of unload the way Booboo
Um
Seems to be doing.
In my experience...
Huh.
Is he okay?
Who?
Booboo.
He’s fine.
Okay. Okay I’m just checking.
I’ve just never seen this before.
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
TARIQ
JULIA
Well you weren’t getting much intelligence of any kind before I got here.
That’s true--
TARIQ
JULIA
This place was a complete mess before I got here.
TARIQ
“Mess” might be a strong word for it-JULIA
Now you don’t believe I could score this kind of intel?
Nono--!
TARIQ
JULIA
I mean that’s why they hired me isn’t it?
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 77.
Of course--
TARIQ
JULIA
Maybe I’m using techniques you’ve never even heard of before.
That very well may be but--
TARIQ
JULIA
You don’t think Julia Romero is equipped to completely reinvent the enhanced interrogation
system? You don’t think Julia Romero is that kind of innovator?
No, she is!
I mean
You are but--
TARIQ
JULIA
You should be thanking me, little man.
TARIQ
No. You’re right.
I am. That’s what I came here to do. To thank you.
I have to go.
JULIA
(going to move past him)
Tariq stops her.
TARIQ
Hey. I’m sorry Julia. I totally fucked this up.
I had this whole speech planned on the way over here which I totally screwed up.
I just
Carter has been acting sort of crazy. And he’s all over your dick about the intel you’re
getting
But he’s not really acting like himself. I think maybe the review is coming up-JULIA
Carter said they cancelled the review.
What?
Get your facts straight.
TARIQ
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 78.
Oh...
TARIQ
Carter enters hastily. He’s out of breath for some reason.
CARTER
Hi guys! Tariq, go make you rounds.
I actually already / did-Well go make them again.
TARIQ
CARTER
Tariq exits making cautious eye contact with Julia on his way out.
Hi Julia.
Hi.
Everything been going okay?
Ummm
Yeah?
Good.
...
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
JULIA
CARTER
I noticed that you upgraded your meal plan.
I did.
JULIA
CARTER
So I just want to make sure everything is okay.
JULIA
Because
Wait, because I upgraded my meal plan?
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 79.
CARTER
Sometimes that can be an indicator that an employee is under some stress.
I’m not following.
JULIA
CARTER
Eating more. It’s especially a sign for our, uh
Female employees.
So
Upgrading a meal plan?
JULIA
CARTER
I’m just checking in. Just making sure.
JULIA
I eat food because I am a human being.
I need food to survive.
CARTER
Right, I get that.
And you’ve just been needing, like, more of it?
Like double?
I’m hungry. Is that okay with you?
JULIA
CARTER
Um. Totally. Yeah.
I like you. And I know adjusting to this lifestyle isn’t easy.
I just wanna make sure that if anything is wrong
If it starts to become too much...
He puts his hand on her shoulder.
CARTER
That you don’t hesitate to let me know. As your supervisor
And as your friend
(now kind of massaging her shoulder a little)
That’s what I’m here for.
She pushes his hand off her shoulder.
He looks at her.
She brushes past him and exits.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 80.
He looks after her.
He looks down at his hand that was just on her shoulder and
suddenly brings it to his face and smells it deeply and really
creepily.
Lights.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 81.
10.
Lights up on the interrogation room.
Sniffles and Muffin dressed nicely and are reading from the Koran.
Abdul and Julia stand there holding each other’s hands.
This is a marriage ceremony.
Performed by rats.
MUFFIN
And even though neither of you are rats, we’ve always thought of you as rats.
We’ve always thought of you
As family.
Nice, Sniffles.
Thank you.
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
And now. By the power we assume is vested in Sniffles and me, Muffin.
We pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
SNIFFLES
Abdul and Julia kiss each other. Muffin and Sniffles clap. Maybe
Abdul dips her. The rats go “Whoa! Oooo!” or something.
MUFFIN
(to the audience)
May I introduce for the first time ever! Mr. and Mrs. Julia Romero!
The rats lead a round of applause.
Sniffles drags an old karaoke machine on stage by the microphone
cord. He hits a few buttons and music starts to play. It is “Didn’t I
Blow Your Mind This Time” by The Delfonics.
The lights dim. Perhaps a disco ball is turned on.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 82.
Abdul takes Julia, their first dance. They slowly sway as Muffin
and Sniffles sing.
I gave my heart and soul to you, girl
Didn’t I do it baby, didn’t I do it baby?
Gave you the love you never knew, girl
Didn’t I do it baby, didn’t I do it baby?
MUFFIN AND SNIFFLES
Julia puts her head on Abdul’s shoulder. He strokes her hair.
MUFFIN AND SNIFFLES
(really getting into it)
I’ve tried so many times and that’s no lie
It seems to make you laugh each time I cry
(harmony is on fucking point)
Didn’t I blow your mind this time didn’t I, didn’t I?
Didn’t I blow your mind this time, didn’t I?
Listen
Suddenly the door to the cell is being opened.
Fuck...
Abdul!
JULIA
MUFFIN
ABDUL
I’ll be fine, you guys get out of here!
The rats scurry away but not in time to grab the karaoke machine.
Julia turns and looks at Abdul. She touches his face.
He holds out the rope to her. They spring into action.
As the door is still being unlocked Julia strings Abdul’s hands over
his head. She does it effortlessly now.
Just as she is finished Carter enters. Behind him enters Secretary
Rodriguez. She is dressed in an officers uniform and has a shit-ton
of metals pinned to her jacket. She actually looks fairly young and
cool.
Right this way.
CARTER
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 83.
Thank you.
Oh hello! I was just, uh
Finishing up here.
This is Secretary Rodriguez.
Soldier.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
JULIA
(tying off the rope)
CARTER
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
She moves past Julia into the cell. She inspects.
JULIA
It’s a pleasure.
I didn’t um
I didn’t know we were expecting you.
Secretary Rodriguez starts to circle around Abdul, taking a close
look.
CARTER
We just received a video of al-Farha beheading Buck Sherbert.
What?
Is this the guy?
Yeah. That’s him.
JULIA
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
(pointing to Abdul)
CARTER
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
He’s not wearing a hood. Why is he not wearing a hood.
Oh my god, oh my god...
JULIA
CARTER
(to Secretary Rodriguez)
We uhh
Sort of give her discretion to conduct her interrogations uhh
However she sees fit.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 84.
That’s unorthodox.
Ca...Carter?
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
JULIA
CARTER
The only person with that kind of clearance is Julia.
Julia.
Julia?
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
(spinning around, pointing to Julia but speaking to Carter)
Carter nods.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
(putting her hand out)
Julia Romero. I’m Secretary Rodriguez.
Julia manages to shake Rodriguez’s hand.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
We’re lucky to have you on board here.
I--Yes. I-Help. My country.
JULIA
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
Damn straight. You’ve done that already.
I’m sorry to barge into your interrogation. We have a situation.
The
The video
Right-o.
And
It’s confirmed? Buck
He’s been--
JULIA
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 85.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
Assassinated.
Well
Nothing is confirmed. But it’s confirmed.
(she puts a hand on her shoulder)
I’m sorry.
Julia breaks down. She backs away against the wall.
It’s not true....It’s not true....
They told me it wasn’t true---
JULIA
(weeping)
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
I’m sorry. I know you two went through a lot together.
Julia tries to catch her breath. She’s hyperventilating. Another
episode.
She nearly falls over.
Romero?
She okay?
She has a slight
Condition.
Ah I see.
She’ll be okay probably.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
(to Carter)
CARTER
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
CARTER
Secretary Rodriguez walks up to Julia and puts her hand on her
shoulder.
Julia is trying very hard to catch her breath.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
Romero. I’m going to ask your detainee some questions.
Please feel free to step in if you can assist in any way.
Julia tries to nod. It hurts her so badly to do so.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 86.
Secretary Rodriguez turns to Abdul.
Do you want me to grab a hood?
That won’t be necessary.
CARTER
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
Secretary Rodriguez takes a chair and puts it in front of Abdul.
She sits in it.
Okay so
Hi! Hello uhhh
Fellas call him Booboo.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
(to Abdul, yelling)
CARTER
(over her shoulder)
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
Hello Booboo!
I’m the Secretary of Defense!
I’m here to ask you questions about an American that had his head cut off!
An American I think you know!
So I’m just going to go ahead and interrogate you now if that’s okay!
She opens a folder and flips through some pages.
I can’t-I can’t-They fucking
MUFFIN!! SNIFFLES!!
JULIA
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
Did you
Romero do you have something to add here?
Julia staggers to her feet.
JULIA
Two rats. Tricked me. They lied to me.
Told me that Buck wasn’t-They’ve escaped
They’ve already escaped
Julia stumbles toward the concealed tunnel.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 87.
Secretary Rodriguez glances over at Carter.
She has a condition...
The fucking
They
Used us
Bullshit fucking
Talking fucking
Rats!
CARTER
(barley whispered, mostly mouthed)
JULIA
She moves the covering for the tunnel and screams down it.
JULIA
(echoing down the tunnel)
GET BACK HERE YOU TRAITOR FUCKING TERRORSITSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!
She stumbles back and sort of collapses. Completely out of breath.
Carter and the Secretary stand there looking at the tunnel.
What is that...
CARTER
Pause.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
What’s it look like Carter. That’s a tunnel.
Rodriguez stands and drops the folder. She circles around her chair
and kicks it up against the wall.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
We have detainee
A detainee with high intelligence value
Trying to escape. And we don’t stand for that.
Carter would you please stand Booboo up on that chair please?
Carter grabs Abdul.
Move your fucking ass Osama.
CARTER
(leading him over to the chair)
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 88.
Hold on there soldier.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
Carter stops. The Secretary comes over.
She punches Abdul in the face.
Abdul goes limp.
No!
Wait. He didn’t
I didn’t mean to--
JULIA
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
We’ll take it from here Romero. You’ve done enough already.
Abdul didn’t do any-The rats
Please--
JULIA
Carter stands Abdul up on the chair.
The clothes please.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
(to Carter)
In one swift motion Carter takes hold of Abdul’s clothes and rips
them off his body.
Abdul is completely naked.
Secretary opens the folder on the ground and, somehow, pulls out two
hammers and two nails.
She throws a nail and hammer to Carter.
They both take one of Abdul’s arms.
On three.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
Julia is crawling toward them.
Wait-No--
JULIA
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 89.
One, two
NO!
Three.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
JULIA
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
They nail both of Abdul’s hands to the wall.
ABDUL
AAAAAHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHLAIDFHOIA
CVB’LADFOGIHADP’FB
AODIFHBA[’DOPIGHPA
DIFJBAPIDFGI[QERL’K
TYHNAD’PFIOBUA[P!
JULIA
NNOOOOOOOOOOOO
(she cries...)
They finish nailing him to the wall.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
Can you grab me another chair please?
Carter exits.
He quickly returns with another chair.
He sets it down in front of Abdul.
Thank you.
I just have a few questions.
Stop...please...
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
(turning to Julia)
JULIA
Secretary Rodriguez stands on the chair in front of Abdul.
She speaks in perfect Arabic:
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
In Arabic: [You know what we want.]
She punches him in the face.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 90.
Julia starts to have a heart attack.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
In Arabic: [Tell us where al-Fahar is and you won’t get hurt.]
She punches him in the face.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
In Arabic: [Stop making this so hard on yourself and just answer the question.]
She punches him in the face. Again. And again. And again. And
again. And again.
Abdul looks close to death. He is covered in blood. His face is
broken.
He says something completely indiscernible. Maybe it’s in Arabic.
Maybe it’s in English.
Maybe he’s answering a question. Maybe he’s begging for his life.
Either way we can’t understand it.
Well. There you have it.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
(as if it answers something for her)
Secretary Rodriguez gets down off the chair.
She wipes the blood off her knuckles.
She grabs her folder and takes her chair. Starts to exit.
Should I like
Leave him here or
CARTER
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
Uhhhhhh
That’s good for now. You can let him down if you want.
Secretary Rodriguez exits.
Carter lets Abdul down onto the floor.
He steps back and looks around.
Abdul looks like he’s already dead.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 91.
Julia is having a heart attack, looking at Abdul and weeping.
Carter takes it all in. He shrugs his shoulders and starts to exit.
Then he spots the karaoke machine.
He walks over to it. Bends down. Looks back at Abdul and Julia
to make sure he’s not seeing things.
...karaoke?
CARTER
(more to himself than anyone)
He hits play.
“How Deep Is Your Love” by the Bee Gees blares. The disco ball
spins.
THE BEE GEES
And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then slowly leave
And it’s me you need to show
How deep is your-He hits pause and it all stops.
Carter opens the CD player and takes out the CD. He reads the
label.
Slowly, he walks over to where Julia is still in the middle of a heart
attack.
CARTER
Julia...
Are you in love with this detainee?
What?
JULIA
CARTER
Did you just get married to this detainee?
No.
JULIA
(trying so hard)
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 92.
CARTER
Okay well...
This CD is labeled “Abdul and Julia’s Groovy Wedding Mix”
Julia is desperately trying to catch her breath. She is getting much
worse.
Wedding Mix. It says
Sooo
I...I...
CARTER
JULIA
Carter kneels down.
Julia, were you having...
CARTER
(he looks around to see if anyone is near, whispers)
Sex with this detainee when I came by two days ago?
Carter waits for a response.
After a time, Julia painfully manages to nod.
CARTER
Okay so
That’s not allowed.
We’re not allowed to have sex with our detainees. That’s against the rules.
They should have covered all this in the training video.
Julia coughs up blood.
CARTER
Okay whoa.
You should go to the hospital Julia. You seem really sick.
Get some rest. Get back to 100 percent.
When you come back
You’ll be discharged.
Julia cries.
Carter snaps the CD in two and drops the pieces in front of her.
You’ll never see this man again.
CARTER
He stands up. Exits.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 93.
Julia looks over at Abdul. Abdul is still unconscious.
Slowly Julia starts to drag herself over to Abdul. It is excruciating
and takes forever.
She’s close. She can almost reach out and touch him.
Abdul...
JULIA
She drags herself a bit closer. Tries to reach him.
Baby...
JULIA
Almost. She uses the last ounce of her strength to drag herself
another inch closer. She reaches out and puts her hands on him.
Oh my god...
JULIA
(looking at the carnage)
Julia starts to cry.
Suddenly the doors to the cell are thrown open. TWO GUARDS
in SWAT gear enter quickly. They both grab Julia by the shoulders
and drag her out of the cell.
She kicks and screams as they do so. The throw the door shut.
Abdul is alone in the cell. Softly we can hear him wheezing.
Lights.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 94.
11.
Time has passed.
The lights are very low in the cell. Shadows everywhere.
Abdul is in very bad shape but at least he’s conscious and his
wounds have closed.
He is lying on the floor completely still with a blanket wrapped
around him.
The sound of mortars hitting the walls of the prison is close and
sounds dangerous. There’s one every few seconds.
From the shadows comes a voice.
You hear that?
...
Abdul?
CARTER
Carter steps into the light.
More mortars.
CARTER
We’re here trying to help you people and you just want us dead.
We’re trying to give you Freedom and this is how you treat us.
He wanders throughout the cell.
CARTER
Took a look at your file.
Wasn’t easy to find. Julia hid ‘em well.
You know your papers have still never been processed? That’s what we call a ghost inmate.
A ghost I said.
Means no one knows you’re here but me.
Not your family.
Not your girlfriend.
If you even have one. Not like I know.
Damn, what would she say if he knew you were doing this? Two-timing her with your MP.
She or he. Not like I know...
Eck! On the floor of this disgusting cell no less.
I’d never touch you again.
(pause)
I guess all is fair.
Anyway. Your paperwork.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 95.
I’m going through it and what the fuck do I find?
You’re a barber!
Or you were a barber.
Abdul, that’s hilarious. Very cute.
I never woulda guessed. This is sort of embarrassing on my part but I didn’t ever consider
that you had barbers. Isn’t that weird?
I just can’t see an Iraqi barbershop in my head.
I mean, aren’t your scissors always getting jammed up with sand and shit??
(he considers this)
Ehh I guess someone’s gotta cut the hair over here.
Too bad all you get to cut is dirty-ass hair. What a shame.
He wanders closer to Abdul.
CARTER
Well listen.
You won’t fucking believe this but guess what.
I’m a barber too! Back home I mean. Isn’t that crazy?
It’s true.
Look at me Abdul, it’s true.
I swear.
Went to barber school and everything.
I have a card with my name on it.
In America when you’re a barber you get a card. It’s very official.
You still don’t believe me, do you.
You wanna see it?
He waits.
No response.
CARTER
I have it here with me. I can just pull it out and show you.
I want pull it out for you. Okay?
No response.
CARTER
We can be friends Abdul.
I know you and Julia were friends. Well Julia is gone.
It’s just us out here now so
Pause.
CARTER
I’m sensing some resistance.
Let me show you my card and this will all make sense.
I’m the only person you’re going to be seeing while you’re here.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 96.
And who knows how long that’s going to be, right?
So just let me show you my card.
No response.
CARTER
You’re not listening.
We’re not leaving. This could be a permanent thing.
Forever I’m saying.
If this is forever you’re gonna need a friend.
This can be easier.
Now here, let me just
Let me just show you my card please.
He comes very close to Abdul.
Abdul...let me show you my card.
CARTER
(whispering)
Carter grabs a chunk of Abdul’s hair.
AHHHH!
ABDUL
Abdul tries to resist but he’s too weak. Carter has complete control.
Carter unzips his fly and brings Abdul’s head toward his crotch.
CARTER
Letmeshowyoumycard, letmeshowyoumycard, letmeshowyoumycard (cont...)
Carter pulls Abdul’s head closer and closer. As he does so a small
white business card emerges from his pants where his dick should
be.
Slowly Carter brings Abdul’s head toward the card.
Abdul is forced to put his lips around the card.
CARTER
Letmeshowyoumycard, letmeshowyoumycard, letmeshowyoumycard,
letmeshowyoumycard, letmeshowyoumycard(this becomes gibberish at some point...)
Suddenly Abdul lunges violently and drives his shank into Carter’s
side.
ARRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!
CARTER
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 97.
Abdul rips it out. Carter is bleeding everywhere.
He stumbles away.
Abdul rises and stabs Carter again.
Carter tries to get away but he can’t.
Abdul, with sudden strength, stabs Carter again and again, even
after he’s dead.
The rats enter from the pipes.
ABDUL!
MUFFIN
They tear Abdul away from Carter.
Abdul collapses onto the bed.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
What are you doing?
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
Sniffles looks at Carter.
He’s dead.
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
You fucking killed him man! Jesus Christ you killed Carter.
We have to get rid of the body.
What?
We have to get rid of the body.
...
We have to eat him.
SNIFFLES
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
Pause.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 98.
Okay.
MUFFIN
Muffin and Sniffles start to eat Carter. It’s gross.
Abdul finds the strength to look up for a brief moment.
...julia...
ABDUL
The rats continue to eat.
Suddenly Tariq bursts in through the door.
The rats look up. Abdul collapses.
Tariq looks on in horror.
Lights.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 99.
12.
The following is a sort of dream sequence that occurs around Abdul.
Here are several examples of things that can happen, the order of
which can be decided by the director.
THE PRISON IS CRUMBLING
The sound of mortars hitting the prison walls is relentless. Almost
constant. Pieces of the walls are coming down. People outside
Abdul’s cell are running screaming.
NEWS REPORT
The sound of a Breaking News on CNN.
WOLF BLITZER
Today an American soldier and member of the Miliary Police was brutally killed by a
prisoner of war. Carter Achmed Bartholomew the III died outside Aziziyah serving his
country. The President has ordered flags to fly at half mast today in his honor.
CHANTING
Outside the prison crowds of Iraqi’s are chanting Abdul’s name.
COLLECTIVE CHANTS
Abdul! Abdul! Abdul! Abdul! (cont...)
MILITARY RADIO
Excerpts of radio communication.
RADIO 1
The riots are getting out of control!
We’re out of non-lethal rounds. What do we do?
RADIO 2
You’re in a combat zone, use lethal rounds!
RADIO 1
We copy. Lethal rounds. Shadow confirmed.
He dreams of Julia floating. Watching him from above.
He dreams of Carter being eaten by the rats.
Lights down.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 100.
13.
Lights up on Abdul’s cell.
He is lying in bed, asleep. He looks better.
Outside the prison we can still hear soft chanting and a mortar here
and there, though much softer than in the dream.
In a chair, not too far from his bed, Tariq is reading a book.
Abdul stirs. Tariq looks up. He comes closer.
Mmm...
Shhh...
Mmmm...
...julia......
No.
I’m sorry.
ABDUL
TARIQ
ABDUL
ABDUL
TARIQ
Tariq takes a damp towel and dabs his forehead.
Abdul flinches.
It’s okay.
TARIQ
Abdul lays back.
Tariq dabs. Abdul tries to open his eyes. The light is blinding.
I can’t see.
ABDUL
TARIQ
Give it a few more minutes. Let your eyes adjust.
You’ve been out for a few days.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 101.
What happened.
ABDUL
TARIQ
There’s been an uprising.
There isn’t anyone who doesn’t know your name.
What?
Listen.
ABDUL
TARIQ
They listen.
Can’t you hear it?
I don’t hear anything.
TARIQ
ABDUL
TARIQ
That’s your family. Your parents. Your cousins. Your sisters.
I don’t have any sisters.
ABDUL
TARIQ
It’s your people, Abdul. Hundreds of them.
They’ve been chanting your name for days. Demanding your release.
They’re trying to break in. They’re trying to save you.
Who are you--
ABDUL
Abdul tries to sit up.
He winces in pain.
Argg...
Take it easy. Sit back.
ABDUL
TARIQ
Abdul sits back.
Tariq dabs his forehead with the towel.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 102.
Please stop doing that.
ABDUL
Tariq puts it down.
They sit in silence.
Is Carter dead?
Yeah. He’s dead.
And Julia?
ABDUL
TARIQ
ABDUL
TARIQ
They took her to a hospital in the city. She’s recovering.
It’s gonna take some time though.
What’s going to happen to me?
You’re a symbol. You’re a hero.
No I mean
You know what I mean.
ABDUL
TARIQ
ABDUL
Pause.
They’re gonna hang you.
When?
TARIQ
ABDUL
Tariq sighs sadly. He looks at his watch.
About
Ten minutes.
Hm.
Shit.
TARIQ
ABDUL
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 103.
I’m sorry...
You really are a hero though.
Whatever.
TARIQ
ABDUL
TARIQ
Killing Carter changed everything.
It’s all over the news. The things they do here have been exposed.
Great.
ABDUL
TARIQ
The Secretary took over the prison. She brought the 82nd Airborne in but even that wasn’t
enough. The people are rising. They’re coming for you Abdul. The prison is going down.
(pause)
Did you hear me?
The Americans are being run out of here-Not before they finish me off.
ABDUL
TARIQ
Um
No. It’s just how it has to be. I guess.
What about Sniffles and Muffin.
ABDUL
TARIQ
No sign. There are rumors they’re going to break you out though. Appear right at the last
second.
Yeah...
ABDUL
Abdul tries to get up.
Can you [help me?]
Oh!
ABDUL
TARIQ
Tariq comes to his aid. Helps him stand.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 104.
Abdul gets on his feet very carefully.
He looks at Tariq.
Tariq?
Hi Abdul.
What are you-How--
ABDUL
TARIQ
ABDUL
Tariq smiles.
Abdul touches his hair.
My favorite customer...
ABDUL
He touches his beard.
ABDUL
What’s this?
You’re beautiful hair Tariq. What did you do?
TARIQ
I haven’t touched it. Not since they brought you in here.
Months ago they needed someone local to
I thought I could help. I thought I could break you out.
Abdul touches his face kindly.
Oh Tariq.
ABDUL
TARIQ
I’m sorry Abdul. I didn’t work fast enough.
Come ‘ere.
ABDUL
They hug.
Tariq starts to cry.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 105.
Go see Julia for me. Will you?
Of course.
Tell her that I
That I
ABDUL
TARIQ
ABDUL
Abdul breaks up.
Tariq separates. Holds his friend’s shoulders.
I will.
TARIQ
Out of his back pocket Tariq pulls a small comb.
Here.
TARIQ
Tariq combs Abdul’s hair.
Oh wow. This is
Thank you.
I tried to find scissors.
This is perfect.
ABDUL
TARIQ
ABDUL
He finishes.
How’s that.
TARIQ
Abdul feels his hair.
He can’t help but smile a little. He nods approval.
Okay
...
ABDUL
TARIQ
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 106.
Let’s do the damn thing.
ABDUL
Abdul turns to the door.
Tariq turns with him and leads him forward.
The walls of the cell separate and disappear to reveal the gallows.
Secretary Rodriguez, an Executioner, and a group of onlookers all
standby.
The chanting outside the prison for Abdul can be heard even more
clearly now as Tariq leads him to the structure.
Tariq leads him up the stairs. Mortars are shaking the walls. We
can see some of it crumbling away. The people outside the prison
seem as though they’re only moments from bringing this place to the
ground.
Abdul gets to the top of the stairs. The Executioner takes Abdul,
positions him correctly and gets ready to put a hood on his head.
Abdul takes his last look. His eyes meet Tariq’s. Abdul smiles
and gives him a nod. The Executioner puts the hood on his head.
Then slowly, puts a noose around his neck.
Suddenly everything becomes very quiet. The chanting and mortars
stop all at once. Secretary Rodriguez looks around. The
Executioner looks to her.
Keep going.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
The Executioner tightens the noose. Now soft scurrying can be
heard in the pipes. Unseen, Sniffles and Muffin are whispering.
Laughing softly.
Everyone waits and watches nervously. Is that the sound of a door
opening somewhere?
Suddenly there is an enormous crash.
The lights go out and mayhem ensues.
The chanting and the mortars begin again at full blast. It’s
unbelievable.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 107.
THEY CUT OUR POWER!
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
In the darkness there is a rush of panic. Movement and bodies
bumping into each other.
ABDUL!!
GET TO THE GENERATOR!
TARIQ
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
A huge mortar hits. The sound of a wall coming down.
SECRETARY RODRIGUEZ
DON’T LET THAT DETAINEE ESCAPE!
Another mortar, another wall comes down.
RUN ABDUL! RUUUUUUNN!
TARIQ
The sound of people running everywhere. Crashing. Collapsing.
Destruction.
Then just as quickly, silence.
...
...
The lights are turned back on with a snap.
The prison is rubble.
Abdul is hanging from the noose.
He swings.
He is dead.
In another space, pristine and untouched, Julia sleeps in a hospital
bed.
At the gallows everyone looks. They are silent.
From the pipes, Sniffles and Muffin appear. They see Abdul.
WATERBOARDING, BUT FUN / 108.
Sniff...
We’re too late.
MUFFIN
SNIFFLES
Slowly people begin to file out.
Muffin and Sniffles get a little closer to Abdul. They pay their
respects. We can’t hear.
Somehow they are both now holding trumpets. They turn to each
other.
Softly and slowly they play “Closing Time” by Tom Waits.
The bad guys continue to file out. Someone takes a picture of Abdul
hanging there.
In Julia’s hospital room, Tariq enters. He sits next to her bed, he
takes her hand. Slowly she wakes up and looks at Tariq.
She knows. His look tells her everything. Abdul is dead.
She nods. Then she slowly touches her chest.
Oh my heart, my heart, my heart...
JULIA
She tries not the weep.
Lights slowly fade as the rats finish the last few bars.
Blackout.
END OF PLAY.