WITHOUT THE AID
OF A NET
PROGRAMME NOTE FROM THE PRACTITIONER AND WRITER /
DIRECTOR / FACILITATOR
“The joy and privilege of working with the same organization for so long is that you get
to develop the skills of both the individual participants and the way in which you work
with them. For the most part, the partnership has involved us creating devised pieces of
theatre with the actors. This is an excellent way to give participants a voice combined
with a sense of ownership of the project. There are other ways to work too and the last
two productions have reflected the process that professional actors experience (albeit
on a much smaller scale and in a much shorter time-frame) and has given participants a
real sense of how a professional piece of theatre is made. In December 2013, we
staged a rehearsed reading of Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol – the first time we’d
used an existing piece of text. In creating Without the Aid of a Net, the actors were
presented with a script and songs (the lyrics of one were written by one of the
participants) and we went straight into rehearsals. We hope you enjoy the results.”
Janine Waters, Practitioner
The worlds of homelessness and theatre collide in WITHOUT THE AID OF A NET, a
brand new play from the Booth Centre. Backstage and the actors are getting ready to
go on: Rob feels sick with nerves, Charlie is worried about his Mum being in the
audience, Kevin can't remember his lines, and Chris is nowhere to be seen. But the
show must go on... With the Seven Ages of Man as its dramatic backdrop, WITHOUT
THE AID OF A NET takes a self-effacing and humorous look at the trials and
tribulations of creating a piece of theatre when all the odds are stacked against you.
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WITHOUT THE AID OF A NET
Blackout.
Music.
Spotlight on Ian centre stage. He is dressed like an MC (a bit Joel Grey)
Ian:
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome…
To the single most important theatrical experience you will ever encounter
Tonight
Live on stage
We present
(…..drum roll)
Life
Spotlight on James on one side of the stage and Pavel on the other - on raised blocks if
possible.
James is dressed in shabby clothes, Pavel like a spiv
Pavel:
James:
with no expense spared
with every expense spared
They both flash a glance at each other. This is clearly the first time they have done this
and they’re not completely comfortable.
Ian:
Tonight, before your very eyes, we will attempt an unimagined feet. We
will present, live on stage - Life, live. In this very theatre, in front of your
very eyes. We will, without the safety of a net, present to you – unlike any
other piece of theatre you will have seen on this stage - Life. Unrehearsed.
Live. The Musical.
LX
Music
We are back stage (like Noises off) at the rehearsal of a community play.
The ensemble are all down stage of the pillars and Ian, Pavel and James
are now sat on chairs upstage of the pillars facing upstage Every now and
then one of them makes a small movement or gesture, as they are
‘acting’.
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The Ensemble are sitting and standing around waiting nervously to go on
stage.
Jake:
I tell you what, she better not be sat bang in the middle of the front row like
she was last time.
Steve:
Who?
Jake:
My mum. How am I supposed to concentrate if I’ve got her starting at me
the whole night?
Steve S
Well you should be glad that she’s bothering to come and see you.
Jake
I’m going to be sick. Sheer. Blind. Terror. This isn’t what I signed up for.
I’m not standing for much more of this. You wouldn’t treat dogs like this
Steve
oh you’re so dramatic. Like what?
Jake
I’m supposed to be dramatic aren’t I?? I’m in a play!
Like this. Making us wait in the dark for all eternity, in silence
Mark
but you’re not being silent
Jake
I’m going to need the toilet in a minute. This isn’t the way to treat people
Victor
Blank
Andy
What?
Victor
My mind’s gone a complete blank. I have absolutely no idea what I’m
meant to say.
Andy
Yes you do, you’ve been rehearsing it for…..
Nick:
guys you must be quiet
Five minutes ladies and gentlemen this is your five minute call
You’re not nervous are you? Nothing to be nervous about you’ll all be
brilliant.
Steve S:
How does he know? …….We might be crap
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Victor:
Come on, we’re a family. We all look after each other. You can do it! We
can all do it
Steve S:
If he doesn’t keep his perky upbeat bollocks to himself I’m going to chin
him
Andy:
Don’t start
Pause
Mark:
Er… I don’t want to panic anyone…. but where’s Chris?
Colin:
What?
Mark:
Chris. Where is he?
Andy:
Well he’s….
Steve S:
He was just….
Steve:
Wasn’t he?
Nick:
Beginners please ladies and gentlemen, this is your beginners call
Colin:
No!
Victor:
Pete, wait!
Mark:
We can’t go on without him!
Nick:
Beginners Ladies and Gentlemen
Maconi:
Yes we can we’ll have to!
Victor:
But who’ll say his lines?
Introductory fanfare music
Andy:
Pete, wait! We haven’t got Chris
All:
Pete!!!! We haven’t got Chris!!!
Nick/Harriet/Simon:
Ssshh!!!!!
Everyone does an over the top intake of breath and steps aside to reveal the cue lights.
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They wait a few moments in silence until the cue light turns from red …..
Steve S:
What’s going to happen?
Andy:
I don’t know
Victor:
Well we’ll have to stop the show
Maconi:
We can’t!
Victor:
We’ll have to
Nick:
It’s too late
Harriet:
He hasn’t got any lines in the first scene
Maconi:
Are you sure?
Harriet:
Yes! No! I don’t know!
…..to green.
Nick:
You’re on!
All:
What?
Nick:
Shhhh. You’re on!
Nick and Harriet push everyone who’s left on stage
Everyone silently enters the ‘stage’ (moves in-between and behind the pillars facing
upstage to an imaginary audience.)
SFX:
A baby crying –
The Lights switch back to our ‘stage’
Music
James:
At First the Infant….
James and Pavel are stood on their rostra with dummies in their mouths
Ian and Ollie are sat on a comfortable chair and an uncomfortable chair respectively
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Ian:
So Susan and I have just put George’s name down for Harrow. We
were thinking Eaton, like my father and brother and grandfather and
Uncle Tristram and Giles and Araminta, but then Susan said, 'No!
Hold on. All the men in my family going back to Cedric the Idle,
went to Harrow..
Ollie:
Well that’s a relief. I’ll have to phone our Karen, she’ll be needing
them soon. ….(uses mobile) They’ve started doing nappies at the
southern food bank
Ian:
You see the problem with these food banks is that they’re going to
put the shops out of business. How can they compete? No one
thinks about the little fellow anymore…..like we used to….when….
er… when …when we were young..and we thought about the ….I
mean I still think about him. Obviously. Quite often in fact. But
society, society no. It’s become such a selfish creature. And these
food banks are encouraging people to be poor and I’m not sure
what kind of a message this is sending out to ordinary hard working
people. ….. like my tailor.
The lights focus brightly on the ensemble as they turn slowly round to face the
audience.
Song:
NO WAY!
At the end of the song, everyone exits out the door (towards the green
room)
There is a silence.
Nick:
Now what do we do?
Harriet:
I don’t know.
Nick:
Well we can’t do nothing.
Harriet:
Play some music
Simon plays the funeral march
Harriet/Nick: Not that!
Harriet:
Play something ……hopeful
Simon plays E Viva Espania
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Harriet/Nick: Not that!
Harriet:
Look play something….. I don’t know….. Shakespearian
Simon plays Greensleeves
Nick:
That’ll do. Ok. now what?
Harriet:
I don’t know.
Nick:
Well think!
Harriet:
I can’t! …..Oh sod it…. Look just go and tell them my waters have broken
Nick:
Have they?
Harriet:
No of course not, but they will if we don’t get them back on stage. Look
just go and tell them, it’ll get them back in.
Nick exits after the ensemble and Harriet runs around and hides by the side of the stage
Nick enters followed by everyone else
Margaret:
Karen’s waters have broken.
Jake:
What?
Margaret:
She needs help.
Victor:
She can’t deliver the baby on her own.
Jake:
Well what good are you going to be?
Victor:
I’ve delivered hundreds of babies.
Jake:
Have you?
Victor:
No.
Margaret:
Where is she?
Nick:
Just round there. Through there…. Go on
Nick and Harriet push everyone back on stage. There is movement behind the screen –
Harriet and Nick pace anxiously up and down waiting for them to come off. They do.
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Mark:
Well that seemed to go alright
Steve S:
Don’t tempt fate, that’s only the second scene out the way.
Nick:
Where’s Chris?
Jake:
He’s not here
Nick/Harriet:
What?
Jake:
That’s what we were trying to tell you
Nick:
Has anyone spoken to him?
Harriet:
I’ll try and ring him now
Victor:
Look it’s ok cause he doesn’t have any lines until the Lover scene
Harriet:
(puts her hand over the phone) Isn’t that next?
Steve S:
No, we’ve just done the Infant, then we’ve got the Schoolboy, then
its the Lover
Andy:
Well maybe we’ll have to skip the lover
Steve:
We can’t cut Shakespeare! It’s called the Seven Ages of Man, not
the Six Ages of Man
Harriet:
(into her phone) Chris is that you?... What?.... How?
He’ll be here really soon
Music
Nick:
You’re back on, you’re back on! Quick!!!
LX change. Everyone pushes back ‘on stage’
James:
And then the whining school boy....
A large picture of Michael Gove is walked across the stage
Pavel:
Now pay attention yr 9
I want all of you to climb that tree. There’ll be a prize for the first
child to reach the top and detention for the last child left on the
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ground. You’re all going to be climbing the same tree, so this is fair
and equal.
Ian turns around and as he does so, turns into a monkey with his limbs. He winks at the
audience.
Ollie:
If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole
life believing that it is stupid.
LX change
The ensemble ‘exit’ and the lights change over
(NB: The ensemble should have an assortment of silly hats to put on and take off
throughout)
Harriet, Joan and Andy enter ‘backstage’
Andy:
It’s nearly the Lovers’ scene. Is he here yet?
Harriet:
I’ll try him again.
Others start exiting the ‘stage’
Victor:
Is Chris here yet?
Jake:
Karen’s just calling him now
Harriet:
What? How? He says he’ll be here soon
Maconi:
What are we going to do?
Jake:
I don’t know?
Nick:
Has he done this before
Victor:
What acted on a stage or lost his bottle?
Nick:
Well both
Victor:
No idea
Harriet:
They’re coming to the end of the scene
Nick:
Well don’t let them
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Harriet:
I can’t stop them
Steve S:
Well we’ll have to do as he said and cut the Lover
Victor:
We are not cutting the Bard. I’m sorry but we’re not! Get out the
way
The lights change and ? does a back to the audience snog with himself.
There. That’s the Lover
Music
James:
And then the Soldier......
Entire cast sing:
It's a long way to Tipperary,
It's a long way to go.
It's a long way to Tipperary
To the sweetest girl I know!
Goodbye Piccadilly,
Farewell Leicester Square!
It's a long, long way to Tipperary,
But my heart's right there.
Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag,
And smile, smile, smile,
While you’ve a lucifer to light your fag,
Smile, boys, that’s the style.
What’s the use of worrying?
It never was worth while, so
Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag,
And smile, smile, smile.
(I’ve lost my bottle
I am chickening out
‘Cause I’d rather dither and waffle
Deep in the doldrums of dread and doubt
Madam Director or Sergeant Major
Save my sorry skin from this danger
I’m full of fear Brigadier keep me here
Anywhere, Legionnaire, but not there)
SFX:
WW1 Shelling and assorted sounds of WW1
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SFX fades
Music
Pavel:
The way they talk anyone would think it was a misbegotten shambles - a
series of catastrophic mistakes perpetrated by an out-of-touch elite.
He exits
A Tommy (Ollie) and a General (James) sit side by side on a hill. Mist surrounds them.
Tommy:
They were talking about us the other day you know Sir?
General:
Oh yes? Who were?
Tommy:
This bloke with a face that needed slapping and another who’d had his
face slapped all his life, poor devil.
General:
And what were they saying about us Tommy?
Tommy:
Well the one who looked like he had pretended to be a baby too often, you
know the type sir, well he reckons sir, that what you’re doing here sir, is a
jolly good job of things.
General
And what did he say about you brave Tommy?
Tommy
He said I was just happy to bask in your glory sir. And to take one for the
team back home…. Team Blighty…... Yey. (he valiantly but pathetically
waves an imaginary flag)
General :
And the other one? What of him? What was his opinion of us, looking back
through the years and with the benefit of hindsight.
Tommy:
He didn’t really understand what the stupid faced one was saying Sir.
Nobody did.
General:
Oh dear, that sounds familiar. And how old are you young brave Tommy?
Remind me, I’ve forgotten
Tommy
I’m 18 sir.
General:
How marvelous, what a marvelous age to be. I remember it only too well.
Well all I can say Tommy, is cherish every moment, because it’s gone
before you know it. Well in your case, probably quite soo…
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The General paces around the stage. Every now and then he turns to
Tommy and sizes up the situation. He refers to maps and uses his
protractor. He looks over the trench and again back at Tommy
Oh dear Tommy. It doesn’t look too good for you my lad. I’ll be honest with
you. I see what that little oft slapped face fellow was talking about now.
I’ve been a bit of a pompous ass. I don’t think you’re going home Tommy.
And that’s the truth of it. I probably am, which seems a little unfair really as
I’ve had my life, but you with just 18 years behind you, probably won’t live
to see out the end of the week.
Tommy
Really? Again? It keeps happening Sir. I keep going over the top Sir and
getting myself blown into hundreds of bits. Will it always keep happening
sir?
General:
For so long as people think you were happy to go, for so long as their
memories of this day are simply of glory, patriotism and pride, they’ll keep
sending you over Tommy and that’s the truth of the matter.
Tommy:
But it’s really starting to bother me now Sir. I mean there’s only so many
times a man can get himself disintegrated and keep his self esteem. His
sense of self worth. There’s only so many times he can pull himself
together again and carry on, without feeling like maybe, just maybe Sir …
he’s a little bit unloved.
General:
Unloved Tommy? What on earth do you mean? People will love you for
evermore. Me they’ll hate, but you, you they’ll hold in the bosom of their
hearts for all eternity and once a year they’ll even stand up and remember
you Tommy my dear boy.
Tommy:
It’s strange to think of that Sir. Of my descendents, thanking me for what
I’ve done. That must mean it’s going to be worth it.
General:
Even getting disintegrated Tommy?
Tommy:
Even that Sir. As I lay here Sir, looking at the remnants of my broken
body, I think to myself, at least there’ll be food and homes for everyone. At
least, no one will have to go hungry or queue for food. No one will have to
beg. And do you know what Sir? It warms the cockles of my heart.
Music
Everyone walks offstage
Song:
An opinion you want? No probs - here goes:
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Red light - green, creep on in the dark
Man plays the chords we quietly sing
Hearts beat fast, lights up - off we go:You lot out there, behind the lights
(pause) Enjoy the night!
The end, applause, we hold hands and bow
Green Room – relax - what to do now?
(lyrics by Andy Crossley)
James:
And then the Justice….
Pavel:
You see what I like about this club is that we’re all equal. We’re all the
same. You want a bag of chips. I want a bag of chips. I can buy a bag of
chips and so can you. Everyone’s served here… at this club.
Ollie:
How much is a bag of chips please?
James:
That’s just £1.50 sir.
Pavel:
What a bargain.
Pavel hands over the money and gets his chips
Ollie searches through his pockets but doesn’t have enough money.
Ollie:
Not for me thanks.
Pavel:
(Pavel shrugs his shoulders) His choice. But you can’t say it’s not equal.
That’s equality for you.
James:
It may be equality… but it’s not Justice.
Music
James:
Life is a day. You get up in the morning. If you’re lucky. That’s the
first hurdle and some people aren’t even lucky enough to get born.
Then it’s time for breakfast. If you’re lucky. Some people don’t have
access to food or nourishment or indeed a childhood. Then it’s time
to get dressed. If you’re lucky you can wear clothes that tell the
world you are a success. And success breeds success. Then it’s
time to go to work. If you’re lucky. Some people can’t get a job or
aren’t well enough to work. Then it’s hometime. If you’re lucky
enough to have a home to go to. Then it’s time for dinner. If you’re
lucky it will be full of the sort of nutrients that a body needs to stay
healthy and a brain needs to stay strong. Then its time for bed, if
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you’re lucky. Many people are so worried about their lives, they
can’t sleep.
Music
James:
The Sixth Age…
Ollie and Pavel stand on opposite rostras
Ollie:
How did I get here?
Pavel:
I got here very nicely thank you. Oh yes, a very comfortable ride.
Ollie:
Oh yeah? mine has had one or two bumps along the way
Pavel:
When I look back at the times we’ve had.
Ollie:
oh yeah, it’s been quite a journey.
Pavel:
Tough at times, really tough.
Ollie:
(pause as he looks at Pavel) …..Oh yeah
Pavel and Ollie turn and face the stage
The ensemble join the actors for the song
Four and twenty hooligans came down from Inverness
Shell suits and scarves, no correct ev’ning dress
Trashed the local curry-house from door to window-sill
The cops were strict - they all got nicked – if only they’d paid the bill.
Ollie is carted off
They say that it’s illegal to hunt the fox today
But it’s Uncle Charlie’s farmland: he’ll look the other way
Racing, shooting, polo, the thwack of the cricket ball
But lobbing some bread at a waiter’s head – the noblest sport of all.
Everyone pats Pavel on the back and has a jolly good laugh
Hey ho!
The status quo
Why rearrange?
No need for change
Fol-de-rol and fiddle-de-dee
It looks just right to me
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Hoop-la!
Things as they are
Don’t alter a thing
As brothers we sing
Fol-de-rol and widdle-de-wiz
It’s perfect as it is
Hey ho!
The world’s just so
Why rearrange
No need for change
Fol-de-rol and fiddle-de-dee
It looks just right to me
The Ensemble stand on one side of the stage and the ‘actors’ on the
other. They all turn to face each other. Pavel steps forward and stands
centre stage. James steps forward a bit and stands behind and to the side
of him. Everyone else finds somewhere to sit on the stage.
Pavel:
‘Last scene of all’……
James:
What do you mean?
Pavel:
I mean that’s it, that’s the end
James:
Of what?
Pavel:
Well…of …. Life
James:
Really?
Pavel:
Yup
James:
Well that’s not a very cheery play.
Pavel:
No one promised you a rose cottage with a little picket fence
James:
Well you got one
Pavel:
Ah yes, well. I’m different.
James:
How so?
Pavel:
The rose cottage was built for me before I was even born.
James:
Was it?
Pavel:
Yes
James:
How come?
Pavel:
Luck
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James:
So what about me? What do I get?
Nick enters
Nick:
Chris never made it then?
Harriet:
I’ve had another text from him. He’s in the round theatre out there
watching Much Ado About Nothing.
Mark:
Why?
Steve S:
Well it’s all Shakespeare innit.
James:
I said, what about me? What do I get?
Ollie:
You get the same as me mate.
James:
And what’s that?
Ollie whispers something in James’s ear.
James:
What? Really?
Ollie whispers again
Mark:
What’s that? What do we get?
James whispers something into Mark’s ear
There is a pause
Mark:
Oh I get it. Well that’s alright then
James:
Does he get it? (pointing at Pavel)
Pause
Ollie:
What do you think?
They all laugh
Music
Song:
An opinion you want? No probs - here goes:
Red light - green, creep on in the dark
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Man plays the chords we quietly sing
Hearts beat fast, lights up - off we go:You lot out there, behind the lights
(pause) Enjoy the night!
The end, applause, we hold hands and bow
Green Room – relax - what to do now?
(lyrics by Andy Crossley)
The Ensemble all stand and face upstage in the bright lights
Music
The lights dim upstage and the ‘actors’ walk into a spot downstage
Ollie:
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.
James:
At first, the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
Ollie:
Then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school.
Pavel:
And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow.
Ian:
Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth.
Ollie:
And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part.
Ian:
The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slippered pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
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His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound.
James:
Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
The cast blow out the lights
Blackout
The End
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