Building Resilience: Yolky Feelings
Dr. Amy Stoeber, PhD
Sometimes processing feelings for children is difficult because they lack the proper terminology to sort
through the complex feelings they have inside. Also, children (and adults) mistake secondary feelings as
primary feelings which often leave them feeling misunderstood, corrected, or on the receiving end of
discipline.
Primary Feelings: Primary feelings are just that – the core feeling of what’s going on inside of us. They best
exemplify what is happening and, if labeled properly, most often lead to help.
Sad, Worry, and Confusion are the three primary feelings; but may also include Bored, Disappointment,
Loneliness, and synonyms for the three primary feelings (e.g. blue, anxious, and misunderstood).
Secondary Feelings: Secondary Feelings are still very real feelings, but they often mask our primary feelings.
Examples of Secondary feelings include Angry, Upset, Annoyed, Jealous, Mad, Contempt, etc. Secondary
feelings often lead to fights, discipline, and defensiveness. They rarely get us the help we need.
The Yolky feelings exercise is meant to help children sort
through and identify primary feelings so they can get the help
they desire. Here’s the script:
“Sometimes when you’re sad or worried or confused, it comes
out as anger. (Give an example here when this has happened
to you or the child). When your feelings come out as yelling,
screaming, or pushing, it’s hard for you to get the help you
need. In fact, I bet sometimes you might even get anger in
return, or worse yet, punishment for your behavior.”
“You see the inside of this egg, the squishy, yolky part, is what contains our ‘yolky feelings’. These feelings are
SAD, WORRIED, AND CONFUSED. The outside of the egg and part surrounding the yolk contain protective
feelings – just like the egg whites protect the yolky from getting broken – our ‘egg white feelings’ protect our
‘yolky feelings.’ These feelings are ANGER and MAD (or any synonym for those).”
“When we express anger, the helpers in our lives can’t lend us the support we need. If I’m screaming or
yelling, many people will scream or yell back at me, right? But if instead, I think about my ‘yolky feeling’ and
identify how I felt on the inside, I will get more help. Let’s try it.”
Dialogue Example
Doc: Remember when mom mentioned that you’d crumpled up your homework and threw it at her? How
were you feeling?
Child: MAD!
Doc: I bet you were. And I wonder if you were feeling any of these other yolky feelings as well?
Child: Well, I was really confused because I didn’t understand my homework.
Doc: I get confused too.
Child: And I was worried because my teacher said if we don’t get our homework done, we have to stay in from
recess and I don’t wanna miss recess.
Doc: Ah, I see. What would it be like if you would have told your mom about feeling confused and worried? Do
you think she would have helped you?
Child: Yes, but instead I got sent to my room because I was mad.
Doc: Right. I want you to get the help that you need. And yolky feelings help adults know two important
things: how you’re feeling on the inside, and how to help. Way to go!
Give the child the picture of the egg to take home.
Example of the completed picture: