by Erin DeMay
What is a hero? The definition
is subjective, unique to each
individual. Many regard their
local firefighters and police
officers as heroes, while others
define their courageous father
who fought in the Vietnam
War, or even their dog, as a
hero.
Then there’s Carmen Faris, a 50-year-old New
York resident whose limb loss has furnished
her with hope, courage and humility and
prompts her to inspire others every day. Faris
is a full-time litigator, a volunteer worker, a
part-time teacher and a full-time optimist.
More importantly, she is a devoted mother of
three, a 10-year-old son and 18-year-old twin
daughters. Although she and her family have
endured many hardships, Faris has raised her
three children singlehandedly while maintaining an upbeat outlook and reaching out to
help and motivate others.
On June 23, 2001, Faris’ left leg was amputated as a result of trauma from a car accident
and subsequent cancer diagnosis. The adjustment wasn’t easy, she admits. But her chaotic
lifestyle distracted her from worrying.
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inMotion Volume 19, Issue 2 March/April 2009
Carmen Faris
“When you have children, there is very little
time or opportunity to be selfish during times
of crisis. I had very little time to worry about
myself or second-guess my future because I
was a mother of three very young kids, and
they needed me,” Faris says.
Her husband and children, as well as other
family, friends and doctors, supported and
cared for her immensely, making her road to
recovery easier and more enjoyable. Only 3
months later, however, her husband died in
the attacks on September 11, 2001. Although
his death, along with her amputation, was
difficult for her and her children to cope with,
she recognized the importance of a speedy
recovery, not only for her sake but also for her
children.
“[Losing my husband] on 9/11 … accelerated my healing because my kids really
needed me then, and I needed to be wholly
functional to keep going. Caring for children
actually makes recovery and adjustment that
much more critical … because you have to
care for them above all else,” Faris says.
Fortunately, she received endless support
and care from her family, particularly her
children, friends, neighbors, colleagues and
doctors. Her then-10-year-old daughters
became the heads of the household, taking
impeccable care of their mother every day.
Her neighbors began checking up on her
routinely, and her colleagues installed a PA
system in the restroom at her work and a
wheelchair ramp to her office, even though
she didn’t need it.
Faris’ amputation, as well as her network of
support, boosted her optimistic outlook.
“I came as close to losing my life as you can,
so I have a profound appreciation for my life,
and I am determined not to waste it, and to
help as many others as I can,” Faris exclaims.
“When reclaiming your role
as the mother, you must be
cautious.”
Faris has inspired and helped other individuals greatly. Although she is mainly a litigator in
intellectual property law, she also runs a minor
practice in advocacy work for people with
disabilities, especially for returning disabled
soldiers, as a tribute to her father who died in
the Vietnam War and because few individuals
advocate for or assert their rights, Faris says.
She also aims to “just be a friend or someone
they can talk to.” Likewise, Faris is a volunteer
worker and goes to hospitals to visit other
patients at least once a week, as she believes
“No doctor can cure a patient better than
another patient.”
In fact, about 18 months ago, Faris met
a 23-year-old amputee soldier who was on
suicide watch at Walter Reed Army Medical
Center. A survivor of a bombing outside of
Baghdad, Iraq, the soldier (name undisclosed)
lost one of his legs and sank into a deep
depression after receiving a “Dear John” letter.
Determined to motivate him, Faris emphasized
that he “was very smart, handsome, and had
a lot to offer.” One week later, Faris received a
certificate of appreciation from his colonel. His
newfound confidence enabled him to find a
job, enroll at New York University, and meet
his fiancée. The couple are due to marry in the
upcoming summer, and Faris will be the maid
of honor.
“Being 23 years old and going through that
can’t be easy,” Faris explains. “It makes me feel
good to help others. It’s what keeps me going.
And, when I’m helping others, I don’t have
time to worry about my own troubles.”
Part of her motivation to help others stems
from her children, which she hopes, in turn,
inspires each of them to be a better person.
“I never forget that I’m still a role model for
my children, so I try to practice what I preach
(when I do preach), and I try to lead by
example,” Faris says.
Faris also strives to be the best mother she
can be for her children.
“The biggest privilege in life is to be a
mother,” Faris says. “It’s of utmost importance
to me.”
Following her amputation, however, Faris
began to see parenting in a new light and was
forced to reexamine her role as the mother.
Although it took about a year for her family
to adjust, Faris’ experience has enabled her to
provide other amputee parents with words of
wisdom.
“Don’t be afraid to ask for help,
especially from your children.”
Initially, Faris was apprehensive about asking
her children for help because she “never
wanted to be a burden” to her family. She only
overcame her fear after falling down one day,
forcing her to ask for assistance.
Making a game plan is also helpful, Faris
insists. For instance, although she’s not allowed
to lock any doors, she is allowed her privacy.
If she were in trouble, she wouldn’t want to
be unreachable. Likewise, her prosthetics
and other medical supplies are stored in a
cupboard, and only she has access to it.
“Respect for my privacy is important to me,”
Faris explains. “They cut off my leg, not my
dignity.”
Immediately after her husband’s death, Faris’
daughters became the “parents” and were
“very overprotective” of their mother.
“It was getting to the point where they were
no longer being teenagers,” Faris says. “They
were turning down social engagements to care
for me instead.” But after she recovered, retrieving her authority from her children was the
hardest adjustment, Faris admits, because she
had to be “very careful not to downplay their
roles and make them feel unappreciated.”
“It was tough for my kids to revert to being
my children and dependents after having spent
so much time caring for me, protecting me and
parenting me as best as they could,” Faris says.
But her solution is simple.
“Life isn’t defined by the number of limbs you
have,” she reminds her children, soothing their
anxiety.
“I am just thankful to be alive and helping
people,” Faris explains. “I’m convinced that
there is a higher purpose for my life, and I’m
just trying to fulfill it – whatever that is.” I
“Have a sense of humor.”
Faris tries not to take herself too seriously. In
fact, her current husband refers to her as his
“OLD lady” (an acronym for One-Legged
Diva). Her son named her prosthetic leg “Harry
Potter” because her leg is “so magical.” Even
her doctors appreciate her humor. “There
aren’t too many people whose necks we can
stick needles into, and they’re still telling us
jokes,” Faris’ medical technician remarks.
“Always, always be honest with
your children, and include them
in the process.”
Although Faris’ children were fascinated and
terrified about her amputation, they were also
curious. Others advised her not to tell the truth
to her children, but she’s glad she did.
“Knowing I would tell them the truth actually
eased their anxiety,” Faris says. She never lied
about her illness, amputation or prognosis. Her
children have been to the recovery room, to
chemotherapy and to radiation to support her.
“When there’s a problem, we all have to
decide it together,” Faris explains. “I didn’t have
an amputation; we had an amputation.”
Contact the ACA at 888/267-5669 or www.amputee-coalition.org
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