THE AMERICAN GOLFER
14
Why Golfers Prevaricate
Exhaustive Scientific Research Explains Some Hitherto Inexplicable Angles of the Game
By Sumner Witherspoon
Illustrated by the Author
I
N selecting for the present article the
theme "'Why Golfers Prevaricate," the
writer has been influenced by the following communication from the secretary of a
club:
"Dear Sir:
In view of certain statements in the
scientific articles appearing under your
name in THE AMERICAN GOLFER, The
Sport Pictorial, I have been requested
by the members of this club to ask
whether you have any ideas on 'veracity?'
We believe an investigation into this
subject would prove mutually profitable.
Although you have not applied for membership in this club, I am directed to
inform you that there are no vacancies
on our list at present.
"Yours till the results of your investigation lie in my presence."
The above and similar requests from
readers that the writer discuss the underlying causes of prevarication in golfers and
suggest some means of effecting an improvement in this request are particularly gratifying to him as indicating the respectful
interest accorded his scientific writings. Before undertaking this important investigation, however, he deemed it advisable to
carry out a number of preliminary experiments at the various clubs for the purpose of
studying the psychological reactions of golfers when subjected to various forms of scientific persecution.
The most important observations were made at the Fox
Hills Country Club, the members of which will recall the
large number of golf balls lost
on the sixth hole, during the
week beginning November 12th,
thus giving rise to a number of
absurd speculations. It may now
be stated that these balls were
r e m o v e d surreptitiously from
the so-called fairway by the
writer in order to psycho-analyze their owners and that he
has since directed that they be
returned to the secretary of the
organization, from whom they
may be reclaimed by members.
In preparing his notable
treatise on "Probability," in
which the writer demonstrates
that the probabilities of the
children of g o l f e r s reaching
maturity are precisely the same
as in the case of non-golfers,
he carried out a number of
similar experiments at the.
Bangkok Sports Club, in Singapore, only in this case using
a trained crow with exceptionally brilliant results. The loss
of this valuable bird, which
was particularly regretted by
the writer, was due to its incurable habit of devouring all
Upon the completion of his preliminary
psychological experiments, which, outside of
suggesting the advisability of preparing a
paper on "The Joppa Code as a Substitute
for Profanity" afforded but slight material
bearing on prevarication, the writer turned
his attention to the historical aspects of the
question. It may be said that his labors in
this direction involved a tremendous amount
of research, for like the Chinese cook, the
painstaking scientist must look for his cue
in everything.
The most important bit of evidence tending to show that liars have existed and have
been recognized as such from the most remote times was discovered by the writer
while studying the undecipherable inscription on a small slab of clay in the American
Museum of Natural History. In view of
the fact that this inscription contains sixteen
characters or hieroglyphics, he has translated
it by a process of deduction into the following: "You're one yourself."
In order that his investigation should be
made as exhaustive as possible, the writer
"The most important observations were made
now held several lengthy consultations with
at the Fox Hills Country Club, the members
of which will recall the large number of golf
the foremost authorities on prevarication,
balls lost on the Sixth Hole".
notably with Dr. Grunt, the venerable octokinds of indigestible objects, such as bits of genarian of the Municipal Confession Exglass, cloth or string, its death occurring tortion Bureau, and author of that brilliant
shortly after it picked up some native yarn. treatise, "Dilation of the Memory Centers
of the Brain Through Percussive
Massage and Application of Heat
to the Lower Spinal Column,"
and originator of the well known
legal formula that "every statement is to be regarded as a lie
until it has been proved such."
Dr. Grunt, who in matters of
importance has frequently subordinated his own judgment to
that of the writer, is within a
limited sphere one of our few
brilliant scientific lights and his
views are necessarily illuminating.
It was at Dr. Grunt's suggestion that the writer proceeded to
communicate with the secretaries of the various clubs with a
view of securing the names of
members notoriously given to
prevarication, the replies in all
cases containing the full membership lists. Upon the receipt
of these a carefully prepared
questionnaire was mailed to each
golfer.
"Question No. 11930 (x), Volume 6 of the Questionnaire was particularly subtle in disclosing the reliability of golfers: 'Who is the most
consistent prevaricator in your club? Answer in words on one letter.' "
The first part of the questionnaire, contained in Volumes 1 to
4. consisted for the most part of
variations of the following basic
question: "What is your method
of making home brew?" Volume
5 aimed at determining the general credibility of golfers, the
following questions giving an idea
of its scope: "Have you ever
been in jail?—If not—why not?
State your political affiliations?
(Continued on page 33)
33
MARCH 11
Why Golfers
Prevaricate
(Continued from page 14)
Have you ever been guilty of prevarication in respect to your golf
score? If not, give the names of six
persons including your religious adviser, who knew you before you became paralyzed or otherwise bedridden." "Give the mistakes in grammar in the following sentence: 2 x 2
— 4." "What was George Bernard
Shaw's classical utterance after studying G. K. Chesterton's golfing form?"
Question No. 11930 (x). Vol. 6, was
particularly subtle in disclosing the
reliability of golfers: "Who is the
most consistent prevaricator in your
club? Answer in words of one letter."
The results of this canvass were
very gratifying, and the tabulation of
the answers contained in the return
was not merely so formidable a task
as might be supposed, the writer
merely discarding as irrelevant and
without investigation all the answers
excepting those contained in Volumes
1 to 4, dealing with the respondent's
method of making home brew. After
working over this phase of the problem for several days, the writer personally interviewed a large number of
golfers. Contrary to his expectations, however, none would admit any
tendency to prevaricate, although
each golfer questioned confidentially
stated that the other members of his
club had been detected at various
times in perverting the truth.
In view of these statements, the
writer is forced to the conclusion
that the tendency to prevarication is
not nearly so widespread among
golfers as is generally supposed. In
concluding, however, it may be said
that these personal interviews led to
an important discovery in respect to
the superior ability of the solitary
golfer to concentrate on the game, as
is evidenced by the fact that golfers
playing alone invariably return better scores than when playing in company with others.