THE FRANKENSTEIN REVENGE
SOCIETY
_____________________
A short comedy by
Dylan Schifrin
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The Frankenstein Revenge Society © 2016 Dylan Schifrin
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CAST OF CHARACTERS
CEDRIC, Dr. Frankenstein's third creation. Clever, vengeful,
and controlling. His hands and feet are swapped, forcing him
to walk in strange ways.
ARM, Dr. Frankenstein's first creation. A reanimated arm who
just wants to know his/her purpose in life.
BETSY SUE, Dr. Frankenstein's penultimate creation. An
incessant transcendentalist.
KIP, Dr. Frankenstein's second creation. Most of his brain is
filler, and as a result he's a bit lacking in the intelligence
department.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN, a scientist dedicated to reanimating the
dead. A good caretaker to his failed creations, although he
does keep them locked in his basement.
MRS. FRANKENSTEIN, Dr. Frankenstein's mother.
SETTING
Dr. Frankenstein's basement.
TIME
1831.
NOTE
Mrs. Frankenstein can either be played by an actress offstage
or by a prerecorded voiceover.
The Frankenstein Revenge Society
5
(Dr. Frankenstein's basement. A mad scientist's lair complete
with test tubes, beakers, and Tesla coils. CEDRIC, KIP, BETSY
SUE and ARM all lie asleep on the ground. DR.
FRANKENSTEIN enters.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Good morning, everyone!
(Cedric, Arm, Betsy Sue, and Kip start reluctantly waking up.)
CEDRIC, ARM, BETSY SUE & KIP: (Robotically:) Good
morning, Dr. Frankenstein.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Time for breakfast! I brought fish
heads for everyone!
(He places down a bucket of fish heads.)
CEDRIC, ARM, BETSY SUE & KIP: (Robotically, ad lib:)
Thank you, Dr. Frankenstein./Looks delicious./My tummy's
rumbling.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: And for Arm, you can play with this
string!
(He gives a piece of string to Arm.)
ARM: (Completely deadpan:) Oh, boy. It must be Christmas.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Have a good day, my creations! I'll see
you at lunchtime!
(Dr. Frankenstein exits.)
(Cedric, Arm, Betsy Sue, and Kip all stare at each other for a few
seconds, then suddenly jump to life.)
CEDRIC: Greetings, everyone. The Frankenstein Revenge
Society is now in session. As you know, our mission is to
destroy Victor Frankenstein for bestowing upon us the worst
curse imaginable: life. I will now take roll call. Cedric? …Here.
Arm?
ARM: (Thumbs up.) Present.
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CEDRIC: Betsy Sue?
BETSY SUE: Are any of us truly "here"? Is there ever such a
true presence of mind that can be defined as—
CEDRIC: Get to the point!
BETSY SUE: Here.
CEDRIC: Kip?
(Silence.)
Kip?!
(Arm nudges Kip.)
KIP: Oh. I thought you were talking to another Kip.
CEDRIC: We are locked in a basement! What other Kip could
there possibly be?!
KIP: I named this pebble "Kip." Although, technically, his
name is Kip Junior.
(He holds up a pebble.)
CEDRIC: Will you just read the minutes of yesterday's
meeting?
ARM: I'll get 'em.
(Arm reaches around, accidently slapping Cedric and Kip, pulls
out a piece of paper, and gives it to Kip.)
KIP: Thank you, Arm. Ahem…8:00 a.m. Kip read the minutes
of yesterday's meeting. 8:01 a.m. Cedric's revenge idea was
discussed in further detail. 8:03 a.m. Kip doodled over the rest
of the paper. 8:04 a.m. Cedric called Kip an idiot. 8:12 a.m.
Cedric's plan of asphyxiating Victor was shot down after the
realization that none of us knew what asphyxiating meant.
8:27 a.m. Um…uh…there's more, but I doodled over it.
CEDRIC: Kip, you're an idiot.
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The Frankenstein Revenge Society
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KIP: (Writing:) 8:05 a.m. Cedric called me an idiot—
CEDRIC: You don't have to write that!
KIP: Well it's not my fault that most of my brain is just
sawdust and tape. Victor made me this way.
(Flashback to Dr. Frankenstein making KIP. Lights dim and Dr.
Frankenstein enters. Kip moves over to him.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: At last you are finished, my beautiful
creation! Speak, and share your glorious mind with the world!
KIP: Jumping is fun.
(Kip attempts to jump, but ends up hopping slightly and falling
over.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: And into the basement you go.
(Dr. Frankenstein exits, lights come back up.)
ARM: I hate Victor. We were all better off as corpses. I mean,
what was he thinking when he reanimated me?!
BETSY SUE: You were Victor's first attempt at revivification.
He was only a boy when he made you.
(Flashback to Dr. Frankenstein creating Arm. Lights dim and
Dr. Frankenstein enters, carrying an arm prop.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: (As a boy:) Mommy, mommy! Look
what I made!
MRS. FRANKENSTEIN: (Off:) Why can't you just play
Tiddlywinks and date your cousin like a normal boy?!
BETSY SUE: It's true. Victor did marry his cousin.
KIP: Gross.
(Dr. Frankenstein exits, dejected; lights come back up.)
ARM: I wish I knew what my purpose was in life. Well, other
than opening jars, pressing buttons…oh, and this…
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(Arm flips everyone off, Kip quickly pushes Arm's middle finger
back down.)
CEDRIC: Our purpose, Arm, is to get revenge on Victor. He's
the reason I've suffered seven agonizing years in this hellhole.
I, a being capable of conscious reasoning, am confined here,
like some kind of vermin, just because my feet are where my
hands should be!
(Flashback to Dr. Frankenstein making Cedric. Lights dim and
Dr. Frankenstein enters and Cedric crab walks over to him.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I'll be honest with you, Cedric. I was
really drunk when I created you last night. Like really drunk.
CEDRIC: This is unfathomably demeaning.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Just be glad you're not Arm.
ARM: I can hear, you know!
(Dr. Frankenstein exits, lights come back up.)
CEDRIC: I wish I could go out and do stuff like a normal
person! Think of what I'm missing! Restaurants, parties, yard
sales—
BETSY SUE: All frivolous institutions of society. I envision an
age where societal conventions are cast aside in favor of
deeper, individualistic thought. Future historians shall refer to
this ideology as "Transcendentalism."
ARM: Geez, Betsy Sue, where did you come up with an idea
like that?
BETSY SUE: I smoke a fair bit of hemp.
ARM: We can dream all we want, but Victor would never let
us out into the world. His Monster is the one getting the
spotlight, anyway. It's even called "The Frankenstein
Monster." Talk about a vanity project.
KIP: Plus, he's so handsome.
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The Frankenstein Revenge Society
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(Kip holds up an autographed picture of the Monster.)
BETSY SUE: Victor regards the Monster as his perfect
creation. In his eyes, we are too dysfunctional to reveal to the
public.
ARM: (To Betsy Sue:) What's so dysfunctional about you?
BETSY SUE: Aren't we all dysfunctional in the shadow of
Platonic idealism?
ARM: Oh, right. You're boring.
KIP: I wonder why Victor thinks I'm a reject.
(He attempts to put his fist in his mouth but gives up.)
CEDRIC: Did you just try to eat your own hand?
KIP: I thought it was a yam.
ARM: Maybe you'd feel better if we got back to plotting
revenge, Cedric.
CEDRIC: Good idea, Arm. Hmm…given the square footage of
this room we could probably approach Victor in a serpentine
fashion, allowing for a direct assault and keeping all flanks
covered.
(He is interrupted by Kip petting him.)
Why are you petting me!?
KIP: Your shoulder looks like a puppy.
ARM: After we kill him I want to freeze his head and use it as
a ball for cricket.
CEDRIC: Cricket?
ARM: You know, the sport with the bat and the wickets?
Cricket.
(Everyone murmurs in confusion.)
Oh, come on! It's 19th century England! How can you not know
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what cricket is?
KIP: I had a pet cricket once. His name was Kip Junior.
CEDRIC: You mean like your pebble?
KIP: (Thinks about it for a second:) Maybe.
CEDRIC: Come on, everyone! We have to think of a plan to
destroy Victor! And it has to be feasible!
ARM: I could slap him.
CEDRIC: We're trying to kill him, Arm.
ARM: I could slap him like twelve times.
CEDRIC: No.
BETSY SUE: We could lock him down here. I mean, he'd die
eventually.
CEDRIC: No, Betsy Sue. Revenge is best done swiftly.
ARM: I could snap loudly in his ears!
(Arm starts snapping.)
It would drive him insane and he would kill himself!
BETSY SUE: I wish you'd reconsider my proposal. For is it not
symbolic to destroy the one who imprisons us by in turn
imprisoning him? Is confining our oppressor not a metaphor
for breaking free of the conventions of society?
CEDRIC: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BETSY SUE! ARE YOU
LISTENING TO YOURSELF RIGHT NOW?! YOU'RE
BORING! EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR
MOUTH IS BORING!
BETSY SUE: (After a pause:) That's exactly what Victor said
before locking me down here.
ARM: Really? Word for word?
BETSY SUE: Well, I guess he wasn't so much "bored" as
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"disturbed by my cruel insight into his psyche." His desire to
play God consumed him to the point where he became
entirely fixated on creating life from the dead. The Monster is
a culmination of that obsession, as it is bent on destroying the
same friends and family Victor himself had been destroying
through neglect.
(Flashback to Dr. Frankenstein creating Betsy Sue. Lights dim
and Dr. Frankenstein enters. Betsy Sue moves over to him.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Finally, I've done it! The perfect being,
flawless in both mind and body! Speak, my creation!
BETSY SUE: Hello, Victor. Let me list the reasons that you are
of a corrupt and despicable morality.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Into the basement.
(Dr. Frankenstein exits, lights go back up.)
CEDRIC: (Tears of joy.) That was beautiful! When Victor
returns, you must once again afflict him with crippling
emotional damage.
ARM: Emotional damage isn't going to kill him, though.
BETSY SUE: We can fantasize about his ultimate demise all
we want, but we still don't have a weapon.
CEDRIC: Oh, don't we?
(He picks up the Arm's string using the "hands" on his feet.)
KIP: Oh my god, Cedric! You're a genius!
ARM: What? What is it?
BETSY SUE: The perfect means to separate Victor from his
mortal coil.
ARM: What's going on? I can't see!
CEDRIC: All we have to do is asphyxiate him.
KIP: Whatever that means.
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ARM: (Flailing about, grabbing Kip's face, etc.:) FOR THE LOVE
OF GOD, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT JUST
HAPPENED?! I CAN'T TAKE NOT KNOWING! IT'S
TEARING ME UP INSIDE!!!!!!
KIP: He's gonna choke Victor with your string, Arm.
ARM: Cool.
CEDRIC: Okay, here's the plan. When Victor comes back with
our lunch, I'll approach him. Arm, you'll hold your string so it
doesn't look suspicious. Then, on my signal, Betsy Sue, you'll
begin tearing away at Victor's resolve with your, how did you
put it…
BETSY SUE: Cruel, demoralizing, dehumanizing insight.
CEDRIC: Exactly. Then, Arm, you'll toss me the string.
(After struggling for a bit, he manages to pass the string from
his gloved foot to Arm.)
Once Victor's been demoralized and dehumanized enough,
he'll slump over with depression.
ARM: And boredom.
CEDRIC: That will give me the perfect opportunity to strangle
him with the string.
BETSY SUE: Shh, everyone. I can hear him approaching. Act
natural.
(Arm makes a muscle, Cedric gets in a crab walk position, Kip
walks into a wall, Betsy Sue quite literally buries her face in a
book.)
(Dr. Frankenstein enters.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Hello, my creations! Who's hungry for
lunch?
CEDRIC: (Trying to appear unassuming:) Hello there, Victor.
What a pleasant surprise. I mean, well, it's not a surprise, since
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The Frankenstein Revenge Society
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you already told us you were coming, but, you know…well
anyway, no one's trying to kill you or anything, I mean—
forget what I said! We were talking about sports.
ARM: We love sports.
CEDRIC: Anyway, it's great to see you again, I'd love to catch
up some time—Betsy Sue, verbal assault! Go!
BETSY SUE: Greetings, Victor, or, should I say, murderer of
the innocent.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: What?
CEDRIC: Arm! Go!
(Arm flails around feeling for the string, repeatedly slapping
Kip.)
BETSY SUE: Did you not revel in their agony, Victor? Did
your dear friend Henry Clerval's brutal demise not bring you
pleasure? And who could forget your dear wife and cousin,
Elizabeth, whose life was also brought to an end by the very
creature you designed.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Why are you saying this?
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