THE £1,000,000 BANKNOTE
After M. Twain
ACT I
(Two gentlemen are quietly talking. Than Henry appears.)
Henry: When I was twenty-seven years old, I was a mining-broker's clerk in San Francisco. I was alone in the world and
had nothing to depend upon but my wits and a clean reputation. My time was my own on Saturday afternoons,
and I used to spend it on a little sail-boat on the bay. One day I ventured too far and was carried out to sea. I was
picked up by a small brig which was bound for London. It was a long and stormy voyage, and they made me
work my passage without pay, as a common sailor. When I stepped ashore in London my clothes were ragged
and shabby, and I had a dollar in my pocket. This money fed and sheltered me for the first twenty-four hours.
During the next twenty-four I went without food and shelter.
(Henry is trying to pick up a discarded pear. At the same time two gentlemen are watching him and talking.)
1st Gentleman: A note of a million pounds! It's only to be used for a special purpose. Certainly only two such notes have
been issued by the Bank of England. Just imagine: a person wouldn't be able to use it in everyday life!
2nd Gentleman: I'm sure it's possible! If a person is clever enough.
1st Gentleman: But he couldn't offer it anywhere. He will be arrested or they won't be able to give him change. People
will run away from him and his note. He will starve to death. Well, I bet twenty thousand pounds that a man
could live thirty days on that million and keep out of jail. Let's buy this note in the bank and give it to some
intelligent and honest man, who has accidentally found himself in London without a friend and with no money.
The only difficulty is to find such a man.
1st Gentleman: OK.
(They go on observing Henry and then call to him.) 2nd Gentleman: Hey, come over here, please. (Henry notices the
gentlemen and comes up to them.)
1st Gentleman: Hello sir. You're just the person we need.
Henry:
Oh?
1st Gentleman: Dear sir, you seem to be very intelligent and honest. You can help us and we'll be thankful. (Offers him an
envelope.)
Henry:
What's this?
2nd Gentleman: The explanation is in the envelope. Please go and don't open it until you are at home.
(The gentlemen go away. Henry looks into the envelope and sees a banknote but doesn 't notice its value.)
Henry:
Money! Yahoo!
(Henry runs to the restaurant as he is very hungry. When the dinner is over he pulls out
the banknote to pay the bill.)
Good heavens! A million pounds! That's five million dollars!!!
(A waiter comes.)
Waiter: Any problems, sir?
Henry:
No, no, give me the change, please.
Waiter: Good lord. I... I can't break this bill. I don't have enough cash.
Henry: I'm sorry if it isn't convenient, but I insist. Please, change it, I haven't
anything else.
Waiter: It doesn't matter sir, let it wait till another time.
Henry: But I might not be in your neighborhood again for a good while.
Waiter: I can wait, sir. Certainly I trust such a rich gentleman. You can come here
anytime and get what you want. To play jokes in public in the matter of dress!
How funny!
{Henry leaves the restaurant and then reads the letter.)
Henry: "You are an intelligent and honest man, as one can see by your face. We suppose you are poor and a stranger.
Enclosed you will find a sum of money. It is lent to you for thirty days without interest. Report to this address
at the end of that time. I have a bet on you. If I win it, you shall have any situation that is in my power to give
you, that is, if you can prove yourself competent to fill it."
{Henry rushes to the gentlemen s house. The servant opens the door.)
Henry:
Good afternoon. May I...
Servant: They've gone.
Henry:
Gone? Gone where?
Servant: To the continent.
Henry:
But when will they be back?
Servant: In a month, they said. And I don't have any idea where they are.
Henry: If I ask the Bank of England to place the bill on credit, they will do it for they know the gentlemen. But they will
ask me, how I got it. What shall I say? If I tell them the story they won't believe me and will put me in jail.
The same result will follow if I try to change the bill in the bank or to borrow money on it. Oh my!
{Henry walks along the street not knowing what to do. Suddenly he notices a tailor's shop and risks entering it.)
Henry: Do you have a misfit suit that has been thrown away by someone?
{A shop-assistant looks at Henry with disgust. Then he points to some suit without saying a word. Henry tries the suit on
and decides to buy it.)
Henry: Could you possibly wait a few days for the money? I haven't any small change on me.
Shop Assistant: Oh, you haven't? Well, of course, I'd only expect a gentleman like you to carry large notes.
Henry: My friend, you shouldn't judge a stranger by the clothes he wears. I'm quite able to pay for the suit; I simply
didn't wish to put you to the trouble of changing a large note.
Shop Assistant: But why did you jump to the conclusion that we couldn't change any note that you might happen to
carry around? On the contrary we can.
Henry:
Oh, very well. I apologize.
{Henry gives him the banknote. The man's smile disappears; he is looking at the banknote in horror. The owner comes.)
Owner:
Well, what's up? What's the trouble? What's
wrong? Henry:
There isn't any trouble. I'm waiting for my
change. Owner: Come on, get him his change, Ted. Shop Assistant: It's easy to say, sir. But look at the
bill
yourself.
{The owner looks at the banknote with respect and admiration.)
Owner: To sell an eccentric millionaire such an unspeakable suit as that! Ted's a fool - a born fool. Drives every
millionaire away from this place, because he can't tell a millionaire from a tramp, and never could. Ah, here's
the thing I'm looking for. Please, take those things off, sir, and throw them in the fire. Do me the favour and
put on this shirt and this suit; they're just the thing, the very thing - plain, rich, modest and elegant; made for
a foreign prince. Perfect, the whole thing! I have never seen such a triumph in all my experience. But wait till
you see what we'll make for you custom fit {begins measuring). Come, Ted, book and pen; go ahead. Length
of leg...32 inches.
Henry: But, my dear sir, I can't buy anything, unless you can wait indefinitely, or change the bill.
Henry:
No, no, give me the change, please.
Waiter: Good lord. I... I can't break this bill. I don't have enough cash.
Henry: I'm sorry if it isn't convenient, but I insist. Please, change it, I haven't anything else.
Waiter: It doesn't matter sir, let it wait till another time.
Henry: But I might not be in your neighborhood again for a good while.
Waiter: I can wait, sir. Certainly I trust such a rich gentleman. You can come here anytime and get what you want. To play
jokes in public in the matter of dress! How funny!
{Henry leaves the restaurant and then reads the letter.)
Henry: "You are an intelligent and honest man, as one can see by your face. We suppose you are poor and a stranger.
Enclosed you will find a sum of money. It is lent to you for thirty days without interest. Report to this address
at the end of that time. I have a bet on you. If I win it, you shall have any situation that is in my power to give
you, that is, if you can prove yourself competent to fill it."
{Henry rushes to the gentlemen s house. The servant opens the door.)
Henry:
Good afternoon. May I...
Servant: They've gone.
Henry:
Gone? Gone where?
Servant: To the continent.
Henry:
But when will they be back?
Servant: In a month, they said. And I don't have any idea where they are.
Henry: If I ask the Bank of England to place the bill on credit, they will do it for they know the gentlemen. But they will
ask me, how I got it. What shall I say? If I tell them the story they won't believe me and will put me in jail.
The same result will follow if I try to change the bill in the bank or to borrow money on it. Oh my!
{Henry walks along the street not knowing what to do. Suddenly he notices a tailor's shop and risks entering it.)
Henry: Do you have a misfit suit that has been thrown away by someone?
{A shop-assistant looks at Henry with disgust. Then he points to some suit without saying a word. Henry tries the suit on
and decides to buy it.)
Henry: Could you possibly wait a few days for the money? I haven't any small change on me.
Shop Assistant: Oh, you haven't? Well, of course, I'd only expect a gentleman like you to carry large notes.
Henry: My friend, you shouldn't judge a stranger by the clothes he wears. I'm quite able to pay for the suit; I simply
didn't wish to put you to the trouble of changing a large note.
Shop Assistant: But why did you jump to the conclusion that we couldn't change any note that you might happen to
carry around? On the contrary we can.
Henry:
Oh, very well. I apologize.
{Henry gives him the banknote. The man's smile disappears; he is looking at the banknote in horror. The owner comes.)
Owner:
Well, what's up? What's the trouble? What's
wrong? Henry:
There isn't any trouble. I'm waiting for my
change. Owner: Come on, get him his change, Ted. Shop Assistant: It's easy to say, sir. But look at the
bill
yourself.
{The owner looks at the banknote with respect and admiration.)
Owner: To sell an eccentric millionaire such an unspeakable suit as that! Ted's a fool - a born fool. Drives every
millionaire away from this place, because he can't tell a millionaire from a tramp, and never could. Ah, here's
the thing I'm looking for. Please, take those things off, sir, and throw them in the fire. Do me the favour and
put on this shirt and this suit; they're just the thing, the very thing - plain, rich, modest and elegant; made for
a foreign prince. Perfect, the whole thing! I have never seen such a triumph in all my experience. But wait till
you see what we'll make for you custom fit {begins measuring). Come, Ted, book and pen; go ahead. Length
of leg...32 inches
Henry: But, my dear sir, I can't buy anything, unless you can wait indefinitely, or change the bill.
Owner: Indefinitely! That's a weak word, sir, a weak word. Eternally - that's the word, sir. Ted, rush these through and
send them to the gentleman's address without wasting any time. Put down the gentleman's address.
Henry: I'm changing my quarters. I will drop in and leave you my new address.
Owner: Quite right, sir; quite right. One moment - let me show you out, sir. There - good day sir, good day.
-------------------- ACT 2
(Boys sell newspapers and cry out theheadline
1st Boy:
A foreign millionaire moves to the best hotel!
He dines at The Ritz! 2nd Boy: The notorious "vest-pocket" million "pounder"
meets with the Duke of Rochester! 1st Boy:
The million "pounder" watches an opera in
Covent Garden. 2nd Boy: The "vest-pocket" monster has dinner at an
American minister's!
(Henry is sitting in an armchair at an American minister's residence. A servant is announcing the guests.)
- Lord and Lady Fairfax!
- The Earl and Countess of Newgate!
-Alexander, the Prince of Greece! - Mr. Lloyd Hastings!
(Hastings, Henry s friend, enters.)
Hastings: Hallo, do you mind my smoking? Henry:
Hi, boy! Why, you do know me, old fellow? Hastings: No!
Are you the... the...? Henry:
"Vest-pocket" monster? I am, indeed. Don't be afraid to call me by my nickname, I'm
used to it. Hastings: Well, well, well, this is a surprise. Once or twice I've seen your own name connected with the
nickname, but it never occurred to me that you should be the Henry Adams referred to. Why, it isn't six months since
you were clerking for Blake Hopkins in Frisco on a salary and sitting up nights to earn some extra money. The idea of
your being in London, and a millionaire! Why, it's like the Arabian Nights. Man, I can't realize it! Henry:
It's a long
story - a romance, one may say. I'll tell you all about it, but not now. Hastings: When? Henry:
At the end of this
month. Hastings: That's more than a day. It's too much. Make it an hour! Henry:
I can't. You'll know why, by and
by. But how's business? Hastings: Awful! I came to England for what I thought was a grand opportunity! I borrowed a
million and bought stocks which I now can't sell! Nobody wants to buy them! Henry, you can save me! Give me a
million. Don't, don't refuse! Henry: I will save you, but not in that way. I know all about that stock, of course; I know
their immense value, and can swear to it if anybody wishes. You shall sell out within the fortnight for three million
cash, using my name freely, and we'll divide the profits, fifty-fifty.
(They shake hands. A girl enters.)
Hastings: Hello, Portia. Let me introduce my friend Henry Evans.
(Henry and Portia look at each other and fall in love at once. Hastings smiles and leaves without saying goodbye.
Henry and Portia dance and can't stop.)
Henry:
I think I love you!
Portia:
Oh! So do I.
Henry: I want to be honest with you. I don't have a cent, only a million pound note
(He tells her everything but she suddenly laughs. Henry doesn't understand the reason for her laughing, but goes on)
Henry:
Of course, darling, we'll have to wait a couple of years 'till I can earn enough to pay my debts. Portia:
(smiling) Of course, darling.
(Hastings runs into the hall.)
Hastings: Henry, old boy, I've done it! Henry:
What do you mean?
Hastings: I told them you considered the stocks worth buying. And I sold them all.
(Everybody is happy. They smile and congratulate each other on the profitable sale. Hastings leaves.)
Henry: Well, the day is coming. Tomorrow I am meeting with my gentlemen. Portia, dear, will you meet with me that
day, when I meet those old gentlemen?
Portia:
I shall be so happy to think I can help you.
(They go to the gentlemen's house. The gentlemen are waiting for Henry.
Henry:
How do you do, gentlemen?
1st Gentleman: How do you do?
Henry: This is my future helpmate, Ms. Portia Laugham. Gentlemen, I am ready to report.
2nd Gentleman: We are glad to hear it. Now we can settle the bet which my brother Abel and I made. If you have won
| for me, you shall have any situation in my power to give you. Have you the million pound note?
Henry:
Here it is, sir.
2nd Gentleman: I've won! Now what do you say, brother
1st Gentleman: I say, he did survive! And I've lost twenty
thousand pounds. I never would have believed
it. 2nd Gentleman: Now I want to give you your situation.
What kind of position do you want to have? Henry:
I am just as grateful as I can be. But really I
don't want one. 2nd Gentleman: But you can have the very best in my power
to give you. Henry:
Thanks again with all my heart, but I don't want. Portia:
Henry, I am ashamed of
you. You don't thank
the good gentleman. May I do it for you? Henry:
All right dear, if you can do it better than me.
Portia: Father, he has said you haven't a situation in your power that he would take. And I feel as hurt as...
Henry:
Is that your father?
Portia: Yes, he's my stepfather. You understand now why I was able to laugh when you told me what trouble Papa and
uncle Abel were giving you.
Henry: Oh, my dear, dearest sir! I want to take back what I said. You have got a situation that I want.
2nd Gentleman: Name it.
Henry:
Son-in-law!