Smelly Bill, from Smelly Bill's Smelliest Stories by Daniel Postgate.
Published by Meadowside Children's Books, 2009
Smelly Bill’s Smelliest Stories
by Daniel Postgate
Smelly Bill
Bill the dog loved smelly things,
Like muddy ponds and rubbish bins.
Disgusting stuff he’d stick his snout in,
Sniff and snort and roll about in.
Because of this he had a strong
And really quite unpleasant pong.
His family would cry, ‘You stink!’
And try to get him in the sink.
But every time he’d get away
And live to stink another day.
A very smelly dog was Bill
And that’s the way he stayed until
One day his folks went to the beach
And left poor Bill with . . .
Great Aunt Bleach!
Now, Great Aunt Bleach just loved to clean.
On cleaning she was super keen.
With disinfectant, sponge and scrubber,
Hoover, mop and gloves of rubber,
Great Aunt Bleach yelled, ‘Tally-ho!’
And cleaned the house from tip to toe.
When every knife and fork was polished,
Every dirty mark abolished,
Great Aunt Bleach said, ‘What’s that smell?’
And that is when she spotted Bill.
Bleach twittered,
‘Come on doggie-woo,
It’s bathie-wathie time for you!’
Bleach was fast but Bill was faster.
Like a flash he dashed straight past her.
He knew exactly what to go for.
He scrambled underneath the sofa.
When Bill woke up, before his eyes,
He saw a steak of mammoth size.
It was a lovely juicy thing...
It got him all a ’dribbling.
Bill slid from underneath the seat
And sank his teeth into the meat.
It was a trick! Bill had been fooled!
Bleach wound and pulled and wound and pulled,
Until she had the smelly pet
Caught within her fishing net.
Then, with a laugh, Bleach filled the bath
Until the tub was brimming.
And, while she tipped in smelly stuff,
Bill heard the old girl singing:
‘Oh, fizzy, Lilac scented balls,
Please hear the words I’m speaking;
Oh, apple blossom, lemon zest,
Cherry scrub and all the rest,
Please do your very smelly best
To stop this beast from reeking.’
While Bleach was busy with her chants
Bill struggled from the net.
He saw the window, seized his chance
And out to freedom leapt.
Across the yard he had to race
To find the perfect hiding place.
He dug down deep, down deep within
A very smelly compost bin
But oh, too late! Bleach spotted him.
She wasted very little time
In climbing to the washing-line,
Yelled, ‘Bill, you will not get away!’
And, like a great, plump bird of prey,
She swooped down to the compost bin.
And landed right on top of him!
‘Game over, doggie-woggie-woo.
It’s bathie-wathie time for you!’
When they returned, the family
Were most surprised and pleased to see
A fluffy Bill, from nose to toes,
Smelling sweeter than a rose.
Bleach said, ‘I do not like to boast,
But I’m the one to thank.’
The children didn’t get too close,
She absolutely stank!
Smelly Bill
Stinks Again
Bill loved to climb in rubbish bins
And so he smelt of many things,
And I can tell you none of those
Was very pleasant on the nose.
Bill was clever, tricky, tough,
And nobody was smart enough
To get that rascal in the tub
And give his fur a soapy scrub.
Nobody, except for one...
There was only one who could,
A legend in the neighbourhood.
Her name was Great Aunt Bleach, and she,
Was every stinkers’ enemy.
One day Bill’s folks went on a trip
And Bleach came round to doggie-sit.
Bill heard the rubber gloves go ‘SNAP’. . .
‘It’s scrubber-dubber time, dear chap!’
Up the garden path Bill fled,
And jumped onto the garden shed.
With bark and growl and howl and yelp
He called around the town for help.
From far and wide, in leaps and bounds,
There came Bill’s band of loyal hounds.
A shocking bunch of filthy freaks
Who hadn’t had a bath in weeks.
Stagnant Stan, who stank of cheese
And was a happy home for fleas.
Putrid Pete, a creature who
Just loved to roll in his own pooh.
Filthy Fred, his favourite dish?
It was a bag of rotting fish.
And Rancid Ron, with pong so strong
That they could smell him in Hong Kong.
In a whirl of fur and fleas,
They dashed around Aunt Bleach,
Snapping at her heels and knees,
Which made the old girl screech:
‘Please don’t bite me, please don’t eat me,
Go inside you’ll see
My shopping bag’s filled to the brim
With sausages and chicken wings
And lots of other yummy things
Much tastier than me!’
In they ran, each greedy mut
Expecting something lovely but
Instead they found four ladies who...
With hair of purple, pink and blue,
Were waiting for them with shampoo!
Bill’s flea-bag bunch turned tail to make
A desperate effort to escape.
But no, Bleach blocked their way completely.
‘Bathtime, boys,’ she whispered sweetly.
Then dogs and aunties went to war,
Fighting bravely, tooth and claw. . .
Auntie Florence grappled Stan.
Round and round the room they span.
Putrid Pete fought Aunt Jemima,
Watch out for the priceless china!
Rancid Ron and Auntie Glynn
Both determined they would win.
Filthy Fred on Auntie Dee,
Now that was quite a sight to see!
The dogs fought till they could no more,
Then fell exhausted on the floor.
The aunties all let out a roar
And danced around victorious...
Triumphant, proud and glorious,
Then they took those filthy pets
Slowly up the creaking steps...
Up to where no dog would dare
To dream of in his worst nightmare.
When they came home, Bill’s family
Were really quite surprised to see
Not one clean dog, but five no less...
Shame the house was such a mess!
Smelly Bill
Love Stinks
When Bill saw Peachy Snugglekins
Come trotting past the rubbish bins
His knees went weak, his eyes grew wide,
He felt all gooey deep inside.
He dropped his bag of rotting stuff,
He’d seen enough, he was in love.
He found a rose and snatched it up
Then ran to catch the lucky pup.
But when he saw who clutched her lead
His world turned very dim indeed.
The face of great Aunt Bleach stared down,
With curling lip and hateful frown.
‘Get lost!’ she hollered. ‘Go on, shoo!
My Peach is far too good for you!’
They marched straight past,
snouts in the air,
As if Bill simply wasn’t there.
That night Bill couldn’t sleep, instead
He climbed onto the garden shed
And howled and yowled up at the moon,
A loud and melancholy tune,
About the love he couldn’t win
Because Peach was too good for him.
Now later in the park that day
A ‘dog parade’ got underway.
The poshest dogs you’ll ever see,
The finest in their pedigree,
Had come in every shape and size,
To try and win the ‘Best Dog’ prize.
Peach was also at the show
Splendid in her scarlet bow,
But who was that among the crowd,
Looking like an orange cloud
With crooked snout and snaggled teeth;
And very skinny legs beneath?
What creature was it, can you tell?
Why, it was Bill without the smell!
He’d come to prove he was as fine
As any fancy-pants canine.
The chatting crowd began to hush.
‘He’s like a walking toilet brush!’
Some rather nasty person sneered.
And while the others laughed and jeered,
Bill turned around and, in dismay,
He slowly, sadly slunk away.
Just then the show was interrupted
When Vesuvius erupted.
Vesuvius, a giant hound,
Chased all the other dogs around!
Then roaring, growling, barking, snarling
Went for Great Aunt Bleach’s darling!
Poor Peach shot off across the park.
She dashed into a forest, dark;
Hoping that he wouldn’t find her,
But the beast was right behind her!
Straight in a boggy swamp she flew
And promptly sank into the goo.
‘Please save my Peachy-kins!’ Bleach cried
When all the other folk arrived.
But they just snorted, ‘No chance ducky,
We don’t want our clothing mucky.’
Bleach howled and screamed,
she begged and wept. . .
Then suddenly a creature leapt
Straight in that dark and dirty bog
To save Aunt Bleach’s precious dog.
Which creature was it, can you tell?
Of course,
it was our Smelly Bill!
Later, when the day was done,
Our hero watched the evening sun
Turn slowly to a shade of red
And sink behind the garden shed.
He sat with his new sweetheart Peach,
Who he’d so bravely saved...
And next to them sat Great Aunt Bleach
To make sure they behaved!
The End
Smelly Bill, first published in 2005
Smelly Bill Stinks Again, first published in 2006
Smelly Bill: Love Stinks, first published in 2007
This edition, first published in 2009 by:
Meadowside Children’s Books,
185 Fleet Street, London, EC4A 2HS
www.meadowsidebooks.com
The right of Daniel Postgate to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work
has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patent Act,
1988
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Printed in Croatia
10987654321