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Year 5, Issue 17, No. 137
ee back
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God Fires Pope
HEADLINES
In a prepared statement last
week, God announced that he was
relieving Pope Benedict XVI of his
position as the head of the Roman
Catholic Church. Citing a desire to
reinvigorate and restore the image of
Black Keys Take Home
the Church, the all powerful creator
Grammy, Bring Her
and proprietor of our universe wanted
Back Safe and Sound
to take a strong stance on a number of
to Grandpa a Week
recent issues.
Later
“I appreciate the time and effort
Joseph has given to the Church, but
I feel that it’s time to move in a new
direction,” said God. “A direction
with less implicit racism and wild
speculation about Islam.” God noted that he would allow
Christopher Dorner
Benedict to step down gracefully
Revealed to be Viral
and that we would be retained in
Marketing Stunt for
a consulting role until a new, more
New Die Hard Movie
modern Pontiff is selected.
“We’ve all enjoyed working with
and getting to know Mr. Ratzinger,
but he doesn’t fit with the image we’re
trying to cultivate at the moment.
This is not a unilateral decision far from it. We, me and a chorus of
angels, had a meeting to discuss our
long term goals for the Church
with Benedict. When he heard that we
Op-Ed: Fight Me
Hey, you. Yeah, you fuckface.
That’s right, I just insulted you
with the hopes of riling you up
into attacking me. What are you
gonna do about it? Hit me? Come
on, you know you want to. No?
Alright. Well…your mother is so
fat that…um, her volume would
be an improper integral. Haha! I
asserted my intellectual superiority
and demeaned one of your close
personal relatives! You must feel
preeetty bad right about now.
Maybe even bad enough to want to
fight me.
Still nothing? Seriously? Okay,
that’s alright. Are you a freshman?
News flash: no one gives a shit.
WIN A F
REE
FLIPSID
E
SHOT GL
ASS
(s
Not a freshman? That’s ok, you’re
probably too busy preparing for
that internship at Google you’re not
going to win to read this anyway.
That’s it. You have to fight me now.
Seriously. What’s left?
Hey! Focus here, I’m still talking
to you. Do you live in Stern? Fuck
Stern. FloMo? More like BlowMo.
The row? You must have so many
crazy stories to tell. C’mon, I’m
running out of ideas here. Just
someone fight me, please? Just one
little fight. You’re a girl? I’m not
above that. No one will find out. Editor’s Note: I’ll meet you behind Old
Union tonight at midnight. (Prabala)
would like to redistribute most of the
literal mountains of wealth stockpiled
in the Vatican to the world’s needy, he
acknowledged that it would be best if
we parted ways.”
“This is an amicable separation,
we wish him all the best in whatever
field he moves to, and you can bet we
wrote him a stellar recommendation
letter citing his years of dedicated
service. We just felt it was time for a
change,” insisted God. “Plus there
was the whole covering up sex abuse
thing. That’s a fireable offense for
pretty much any job. Actually, it’s
insane that we left him in power as
long as he did.” Sources indicate that
other religions have been courting the
Pope for his vast experience running a
Fortune 500 religion. (Staff)
Barack and Michelle Obama Deliver Cloyingly
Sweet “State of Our Union” Address
Given the immense popularity
of Michelle Obama and the
public admiration of their happy marriage, the Obamas followed
the President’s official State
of the Union Address with a
nauseatingly cute “State of Our
Union Address,” designed to
deliver a warm, fuzzy stimulus
package directly to people’s
hearts.
The
Obamas
shared
humorous G-rated anecdotes
sure to elicit amused smiles from
democrats and independents. Said Michelle, “The other
day I decided that Sasha and
Malia deserved a raise on their
allowances, and when Barack
heard that, he said ‘Just be glad
you don’t have to get congress to
vote on that!”
There was also some goodnatured ribbing from the couple,
as Obama complained about all
the unhealthy foods Michelle
won’t let him eat, saying, “Your
project is to keep the children of
America healthy, and I support
that wholeheartedly. But come
on woman! A good slice of prime
rib every once in a while won’t
kill me!” As of press time, Barack and
Michelle were feeding each other
peanut butter out of the jar with
their fingers, while watching
‘Marley and Me’ during their
weekly movie night. (Messiha)
QUOTE: “I love that Mumford and Sons song, you know, the one that starts quiet, and gets louder…the kick drum and banjo and come in…
it has ambiguously emotional lyrics…you know which one I’m talking about?” - Mumford and Sons fan
REBUS PUZZLES
Numbers
Can you guess the common word
or phrase portrayed below?
3
Number of successful nuclear tests achieved by glorious people’s leader
Kim Jong Un--enough to strike fear into the hearts of the filthy American and South Korean mongrels and all throughout the world who are
opponents of the enlightened and righteous philosophy of Juche.
Also the number of Olympic Gold Medals that our beloved and vigorous leader won in London—one in archery and two in synchronized
diving.
Want to be the most powerful person at Stanford?
Apply to succeed our Puzzle Master!
Create 6 rebuses and 1 jumble, and send them to
[email protected] by March 1, 2013.
last week’s answers: DEMOCRACY, LIME DISEASE, PIRATE KING,
PINOCCHIO
CRYPTOGRAM CHALLENGE
This is a simple substitution code. Each letter is replaced by a different letter. Try to
decode the message or quote below. HINT X=E.
V KHHXTC HDKUF, V’L SUC FBIX PDXCDXI VC KHHXTCF LX. EUE MGRKS
last week’s answer: A SLIP OF THE FOOT YOU MAY SOON RECOVER, BUT A SLIP OF THE TONGUE YOU MAY NEVER GET OVER. -BENJAMIN
FRANKLIN
ENTREPRENEURSHIP WITH
SKANKY BOBBY
JUMBLE
Unscramble these four ordinary
jumbles, and use the letters in
circles to answer the final question.
What up flipsluts, Skanky Bobby here for round two. There are a lotta things
Skanky Bobby’s got goin’ on that you probably know about. You gotta know that
Skanky Bobby’s smooth--he buys the ladies golden baubles and in turn the ladies
give him the rub-a-dub. You gotta know that Skanky Bobby’s classy--he cruises
around campus in a 2013 Mazda Miata with a vanity plate that says “Skanky”. But
did you know that Skanky Bobby always knows exactly how to hit the E-spot? That
is, the Entrepenurial Spot? That’s right, Skanky Bobby’s got some wicked supreme business brainwaves
bangin’ around his cranium. Specifically, about how to improve upon Stanford’s
tried and true hospitality and restaurant formula. Stanford’s eateries got a lot of
good things going for them. The bites are scrumptious, the floors are sparkling,
and they’re always good to lasso a golden-haired freshman honey pie and bring
her back to the old homestead. But there’s one thing they are sorely lacking:
skank. And if there’s one thing Skanky Bobby knows, it’s that cats and kittens
dig the skank. Axe and Palm? Ho-hum. Bobby’s got some ideas to revitalize this
hallowed institution. Check it:
The RACKS ‘N PALM
It’s a combination restaurant-gentlemen’s club which will offer students a place to
eat and enjoy a variety of live performances: from the acapella stylings of Dicksed
Co., to the comedy of The Rubber Barons, to the central attraction, the burlesque
performance of The Assless Chapparals. The menu has been revamped a bit as well, with new versions of old favorites
like “The Immortal 69,” “The ClimAxe,” and “The Pack-12 Inches,” along with
completely new menu items, like “The Andrew Get Lucky,” “Synorgy,” and
“Sploogamaa.”
Diggin’ it? Bobby knew you would. Look forward in the near future to “Dickadence,” a companion ladies club to complement the Racks ‘n Palm. Gtg, i’m inundating somebody’s lonely momma with emoticons on AOL Instant
messager and I know for a FACT she’s gonna start sending nakey pics soon. SB,
out. (Driscoll, Pfluke)
LAST WEEK’S ANSWERS: EMBED, RIGOR, FORBID, SEQUIN What happens
after making out with someone from your spot group: DEBRIEFING
Editorial Board: Bill Driscoll, Conor Doherty, Kyle Hoffer, Roxy Carbonell,
Matt LaVan, Sam “The Intern” Cortes, Akiko Kozato
The Stanford Flipside is a weekly satirical newsletter. Our stories are fictional, but we
make jokes about real issues. Our goal is not to offend you, but to make you laugh and to
reframe our world to point out the absurdities. Anyone is free to join the Flipside, and we
would love to have you! We meet Tuesdays at 9pm to brainstorm.
Contact [email protected] for more information.