Handbook on
CHILD
SAFETY
FOR
PARENTS
Anthony P. Rizzuto and
Cynthia Crosson-Tower
Contents
Foreword.....................................................................................................................................v
Introduction................................................................................................................................1
SECTION 1
Understanding Child Abuse and Neglect:
Separating Myths from Facts.............................................................................................3
SECTION 2
Prevention: Preparing Your Child for and Protecting
Your Child from the Threat of Abuse............................................................................. 13
SECTION 3
Knowing How to Respond to a Disclosure................................................................. 33
SECTION 4
Recognizing and Managing the Challenges of Parenting.................................... 43
SECTION 5
Dealing with Issues of Bullying.......................................................................................49
SECTION 6
Where to Find Additional Information: Parent Resources,
Materials, and Suggested Reading................................................................................ 55
References............................................................................................................................... 59
About the Authors................................................................................................................ 61
iii
What questions should I be
asking programs, camps, sporting
activities, and schools before I let
my child participate?
Sadly, in today’s world, you must be careful about the activities in which you
allow your child to participate. Involving your child safely in sports teams,
camps, school programs, clubs, and other events requires a combination of
parental vigilance and screening. Do not be afraid to use your intuition as
well. As one parent explained:
I had heard of a camp for disabled children that seemed like a
good option for my son. At the screening interview, I asked a lot of
questions. One was, “How do you screen your staff members?”
The director, who conducted the interview, assured me that he
knew all his staff personally and had no need to screen them
beyond that. That response did not feel quite right to me, but I was
so anxious for my son to have a camp experience that I let it go by.
When I dropped my son off on that first day of this residential camp,
however, I felt uneasy and had no idea why. Then the director called,
saying that my son “did not fit in” and to come and get him. My son
would tell me nothing about why he was glad to be home. Later that
summer, the director was arrested for sexually abusing his campers.
In hindsight, I am glad that my son never made it there beyond the
first week, and I believe that it was the fact that we had taught him
to be assertive about expressing his needs that saved him from
abuse. In the future, I will trust my intuition more.
Sometimes situations just do not feel right, and you should trust your
instincts when that happens. If anything concerns you, do not be afraid to
ask about it in more detail. In addition, it is wise to discuss programs with
other parents to learn of their experiences.
Programs are now expected to do background checks on staff members,
and those who are interacting with children are also required to have a
formal criminal records check.13 When you are considering a program for
your child, it is important to inquire about the following:
• How are staff members recruited and chosen?
• What background checks have been asked of staff?
• What are the rules about staff being alone with children?
• Are there policies surrounding adult-child interactions outside of the
parameters of the program?
• What type of training does staff undergo?
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HANDBOOK ON CHILD SAFETY FOR PARENTS
• What type of child abuse prevention policies are in place? Are these
written?
• Is there a manual outlining what conduct is acceptable between staff
and children?
• Are there regulations spelled out about private times (e.g., toileting,
dressing, bathing)?
• What are the sleeping arrangements?
• Are there policies about taking a child away from the program,
especially by car?14
Your first job as a parent is to find out what policies are in place. If
none exist, some should be developed. You can obtain guidelines from
a variety of sources.15 In addition, if you find yourself involved in a youth
organization as a parent, you can not only protect yourself from false
accusations but also protect children by suggesting that the program
have some basic policies in place. Many programs like the Boy Scouts,
Girl Scouts, Camp Fire, YMCA, and Boys & Girls Clubs have national
policies that their local groups use. Sports teams or other clubs and
camps not sponsored by national organizations, however, may not have
such policies. Churches and the groups they sponsor are being encouraged
to develop them, and you should urge any group that you work with to
do so.16
How can I help my child stay safe?
As a parent, you can take some specific steps to try to protect your child
from abuse, but it is also important to arm him or her with some basic
personal safety skills. Open communication is the best tool you have
to monitor your child’s safety. Talking with your child about a variety of
subjects, including teaching him or her about healthy sexuality, goes a long
way toward introducing safeguards to abuse. When parents develop their
own comfort level in speaking about sexual matters, their children will be
more comfortable in telling them about being sexually abused.
Again, you should teach your child the appropriate names for the parts of
the body, including the genitals. Without these names, children may have
a more difficult time discerning when being touched is inappropriate. They
will also have more difficulty explaining if they have been abused.17
In addition, children should recognize that their bodies are their own,
become comfortable with them, and question how others are allowed to
touch them. But they should also be equipped with permission to refuse or
HANDBOOK ON CHILD SAFETY FOR PARENTS
25
to tell a trusted adult when they are being touched in a manner that feels
uncomfortable, hurtful, or confusing.
You should teach your child what is appropriate and what is not. You might
explain that some parts of the body are more private than others, that we
only allow certain people to touch them, and that even then, we have the
right to question being touched or to let adults know when that touch does
not feel good or right. You can tell your child that some people — such as
doctors and nurses — must touch us in order to keep us healthy but that is
usually with your consent and in your presence.
In addition to providing information and fostering comfort, another
valuable tool is to use “what if” scenarios with your child. “What if a strange
adult tries to touch your private parts?” “What if a schoolmate does so?”
Encourage your child to question what others do to him or her. It is often
the compliant child, the one who does not question or resist, who is more
likely to be abused. “What if” scenarios can help your child be prepared
for events — including abusive situations — that might not be in his or her
frame of reference.
You must also be aware of where your child is and with whom, even when
the situation appears to be safe. For example, your child’s request to go to
a friend’s house for a sleepover may appear to be innocent enough, and
usually it is. Yet in these days when parents have busy lives, it is not always
easy to get to know your children’s friends’ parents. Even if you do know
them, certain questions are in order:
• Who will be home during your child’s stay?
• Are there older teens living or visiting there?
• Who will be supervising the children?
• What are the rules about Internet use?
• What rules do you need to impose on your child about privacy during
bathroom trips, dressing, or bathing?
• What are the sleeping arrangements?
• If trips away from home are planned, who will be driving? Where will
they be going?18
Your child should be aware of safety rules whenever leaving home.
The admonition often given to children of “Don’t talk to strangers” isn’t
sufficient. Research tells us that the majority of sexual offenders are, in fact,
someone known to the child.
Single parents also face some challenges in the world of online dating. In
fact, perpetrators interested in children may gain access to them by getting
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HANDBOOK ON CHILD SAFETY FOR PARENTS
to know their parents. That does not mean that every potential date will be
a child molester, but it is wise to take precautions. Get to know the person
yourself before involving your child in the relationship. Learn about his or
her personal life and contacts with other children.
As one mother described:
I met Ted online, and he seemed like a great guy. When we decided
to meet, I was really excited about introducing him to my kids. But
I hesitated, and I now am glad that I did. On our first real date, Ted
and I talked about all kinds of things, like how much we both liked
to travel. He mentioned that he had lived in quite a few places and
named a few. We also talked about our kids. He seemed to really
like kids and said that he was looking forward to meeting mine.
But when I asked him about his, I began to suspect that he did
not see them at all. This puzzled me, given his interest in children.
Finally, I asked him why he did not see his kids. He gave me a
vague answer that did not feel right. I let it drop, but I happened
to mention my concerns to a friend. He was a retired police officer
and said that he’d like to do some checking. I was shocked when, a
few days later, my friend presented me with a link to a news article
reporting that Ted had been suspected of molesting children in
another city.
A perusal of the previous section on grooming victims is an important first
step in protecting your child. Be aware of warning signs that might not
seem quite right. You should take seriously any discomfort you feel.19
What about my child’s use
of the Internet?
While the advantages of Internet use for children are myriad, the
technology also brings with it some dangers from which parents must learn
to protect their children. Not only have the production and distribution of
child pornography become almost exclusively a cyberspace enterprise, but
perpetrators of child sexual abuse have used the Internet as an additional
method to lure children into sexually explicit conversations and even
sexual abuse.
Online contact gives perpetrators an opportunity to select and groom
children while they are in the apparent safety of their homes. Children,
especially teens, may be curious about sexuality and hesitant to bring up
the topic with their parents. But the seeming anonymity of the Internet
gives children an opportunity to explore the topic with another adult —
who may manipulate and seduce them into something for which they are
HANDBOOK ON CHILD SAFETY FOR PARENTS
27
unprepared. While these sexual offenders chat with their potential victims,
a parent could be sitting nearby and not even suspect what is happening.
Thus, it is vital that you be informed and aware of how you can protect
your child.
What puts children at risk for online sexual exploitation? Many children
spend an inordinate amount of time on the Internet, often in the evening
hours. Explains one unsuspecting mother:
I told Tracy that she needed to do her homework first and then she
could go on the computer with her friends. I work the 3 p.m. to 11
p.m. shift, and I figured that at least she was home and safe. At 12
years old, I thought she could take care of herself. I often found
her up and online when I came home at 11:30 p.m. and would hurry
her to bed. But one night, she forgot to log off, and I could not
believe what I read. Some guy was arranging to meet her in person.
I scrolled through their previous emails, and the sex talk curled my
toes! And the sexually explicit pictures! I knew then that I needed to
do something.
Perpetrators often use pornography to open the discussion of sexuality
or to desensitize their victims to sexually explicit acts, convincing the child
to see sex between children and adults as normal. Children may hide such
material on diskettes or flash drives, especially if other family members use
the same computer. Discovery of any pornography should lead to a frank
discussion with the child as to its source.
If your child obscures the screen or turns off the computer when you enter
the room, this may be reason for concern. Certainly, children may want
privacy as they talk with age-appropriate friends, but extreme secretiveness
on a regular basis may suggest that your child is involved in a relationship
that could put him or her at risk.
Some perpetrators, after having engaged children online, will suggest
that they talk on the phone. If your child is speaking to an unknown adult
on the phone or receiving or making calls, especially long distance, to
numbers that are unfamiliar, your concern may be warranted. It is possible
that these calls could be from perpetrators suggesting meetings. Even if
a child is hesitant to give a phone number while chatting with an offender
online, the phone’s caller ID often reveals it. Having a block on your
number so that it won’t appear in another’s caller ID may serve to protect
your child.
One of the first ways that many perpetrators groom children is to try to
alienate them from family members. A child who feels misunderstood by
those in his or her family is an easier target for a sexual offender, who then
offers the attention and understanding that children crave. When a child
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HANDBOOK ON CHILD SAFETY FOR PARENTS
becomes withdrawn, as he or she may after being manipulated or even
sexually abused by an offender, it is time for parents to become concerned
and take action.
What can you do to protect your child from online exploitation? Again, the
first line of defense is communication with your child. Alert him or her to
the possibility of online abuse and set up some guidelines for everyone to
follow. In addition:
• Monitor your child’s time online and spend time with him or her as the
child accesses the Internet.
• Keep the computer in a public area of the home rather than in the child’s
room. This allows for parental monitoring.
• Look into computer safeguards that protect children from unwanted
solicitation.
• Recognize that even if your child is lured into a relationship with an
abuser, it is not his or her fault.
• Do not allow your child to access chat rooms, as these are often places
where perpetrators will look for potential victims.
• Do not allow your child to establish an online profile that gives personal
information about himself or herself. Having such information makes it
too easy for a perpetrator to undermine the child’s defenses. Children
assume that people who know a lot about them are friends and are
therefore safe.
• Check to see what safeguards your child’s school uses to protect
students from online victimization.
• Be aware of significant changes in your child’s behavior — such as
secretiveness, inappropriate sexual knowledge, anxiety, and the like.
• Report any suspicious activities to a cybertipline (www.fbi.gov/
stats-services/publications/parent-guide/parent-guide).
• Set guidelines for your child. These should include the following:
• Never give your name, address, phone number, or other identifying
information to anyone without parental permission.
• Never give a picture of yourself to anyone or allow your picture to be
taken without parental permission.
• Never open emails, links, or enclosures from people you do
not know.
• Never agree to meet in person someone you have met on the
Internet. If you are asked to meet someone, tell your parents.
• Never give your password to anyone except your parents.20
Using the Internet can be an enjoyable pastime for your child if you take
HANDBOOK ON CHILD SAFETY FOR PARENTS
29
a few steps to protect him or her from child sexual abuse. These online
resources address the protection of children in cyberspace:
• www.missingkids.com/cybertipline
Information and a place to report cyberabuse
• www.fbi.gov/stats-services/publications/parent-guide/parent-guide
Guide to Internet safety for parents
• www.ncdoj.com/top-issues/internet-safety/protect-kids-on-theinternet.aspx
Additional protection tips
• www.protectkids.com/parentsafety/rulesntools.htm
A variety of resources, including some easy rules to protect children
ENDNOTES
National Conference of State Legislatures, “State Policies on Sex Education in
Schools,” July 2013; available at www.ncsl.org/issues-research/health/statepolicies-on-sex-education-in-schools.aspx.
1
David Finkelhor and Jennifer Dziuba-Leatherman, “Victimization Prevention
Programs: A National Survey of Children’s Exposure and Reactions,” Child Abuse
& Neglect 19, no. 2 (1995): 129–139.
2
David Finkelhor, Nancy Asdigian, and Jennifer Dziuba-Leatherman, “The
Effectiveness of Victimization Prevention Instruction: An Evaluation of Children’s
Responses to Actual Threats and Assaults,” Child Abuse & Neglect 19, no. 2 (1995):
141–153.
3
David Jones and J. Melbourne McGraw, “Reliable and Fictitious Accounts of Sexual
Abuse to Children,” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 2, no. 1 (1987): 27–45.
4
VCPN: Virginia Child Protection Newsletter 65 (2002): 1–16, ed. Joann Grayson
(School of Psychology, James Madison University, Harrisonburg, VA).
5
6
Ibid.
7
Ibid.
8
Finkelhor and Dziuba-Leatherman, “Victimization Prevention Programs.”
9
Ibid. and VCPN: Virginia Child Protection Newsletter.
David Finkelhor, Child Sexual Abuse: New Theory and Research (New York: The
Free Press, 1984).
10
Carla van Dam, The Socially Skilled Child Molester (Binghamton, NY: Haworth,
2006); and Cynthia Crosson-Tower, Understanding Child Abuse and Neglect
(Boston: Pearson, 2013).
11
Crosson-Tower, Understanding Child Abuse; Anthony P. Rizzuto and Cynthia
Crosson-Tower, Handbook on Child Safety for Independent School Leaders
(Washington, DC: NAIS, 2012); van Dam, Socially Skilled Child Molester; and Sandy
12
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HANDBOOK ON CHILD SAFETY FOR PARENTS
K. Wurtele, Out of Harm’s Way: A Parent’s Guide to Protecting Young Children from
Sexual Abuse (Seattle, WA: Parenting Press, 2010).
These criminal background checks can include a search of local, state, and
national criminal records, as well as records of sexual offenses. The screening
determines only whether an applicant has ever been convicted of a criminal offense.
13
William L. Fibkins, Innocence Denied: A Guide to Preventing Sexual Misconduct
by Teachers and Coaches (Lanham, MD: Rowman and Littlefield Education, 2006);
Cynthia Crosson-Tower, A Clergy Guide to Child Abuse and Neglect (Cleveland: The
Pilgrim Press, 2006); and Wurtele, Out of Harm’s Way.
14
The CDC offers an excellent resource titled Preventing Child Sexual Abuse within
Youth-Serving Organizations: Getting Started on Policies and Procedures (2007);
available at www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/preventingchildsexualabuse-a.
pdf.
15
16
Crosson-Tower, A Clergy Guide.
17
Wurtele, Out of Harm’s Way.
18
Ibid.
19
Ibid.
“A Parent’s Guide to Internet Safety,” Federal Bureau of Investigation; available
at www.fbi.gov/stats-services/publications/parent-guide/parent-guide; “Rules
of the Road: Top 10 Things to Teach Your Children to Keep Them Safe Online,”
Donna Rice Hughes (2001); available at www.protectkids.com/parentsafety/
rulesoftheroad.htm.
20
HANDBOOK ON CHILD SAFETY FOR PARENTS
31