REPO MAN VS. PANGEA GIRL
By Eric Bower
SYNOPSIS: Aspiring young criminal mastermind, Pangea Girl, meets her
match in the unlikely form of a repo man, who helps her cope with her
parents' separation.
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CAST OF CHARACTERS
(1 MAN, 1 WOMAN)
REPO MAN ............. 30-50 years old. A stocky, working class type. More
sensitive than he appears.
PANGEA GIRL ...... 7-12 years old. A crafty young genius who hides
behind her intelligence.
SETTING
A small, middle class backyard in Southern California.
PROPS
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Clipboard
Pen
Mask
Cape
Magnifying Glass
AT RISE:
PANGEA GIRL is seated on the grass, with a magnifying glass
pointed at a fissure in the cement. She is staring intently at the
fissure. She is dressed in a black mask and elaborate cape. REPO
MAN enters. He observes her.
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REPO MAN: You killing bugs?
PANGEA GIRL: Why would I do that?
REPO MAN: (Chuckles.) When I was a kid, I used to kill bugs with a
magnifying glass.
PANGEA GIRL: (Without looking up.) You were thinking too small.
REPO MAN chuckles again, and then pauses when he realizes what
she’s said.
REPO MAN: Wait, what?
PANGEA GIRL: Why stop at killing bugs? If your desire is to inflict
pain and suffering there’s so much more you could have done.
REPO MAN: That’s not what—
PANGEA GIRL: (Interrupts.) You could have caused a lot more pain
and suffering in the world if you’d only applied yourself and
allowed yourself to be more creative. You could have stomped on
ant hills and shot squirrels with a sling shot. You could have filled
bird feeders with arsenic. You could have fed neighborhood dogs
and cats tainted meat. You could have gone to local lakes and
ponds and dumped toxic waste.
REPO MAN: That’s w—
Copyright © 2014 by Eric Bower. All rights reserved. Caution: Professionals
and amateurs are hereby warned that Rep Man Vs. Pangea Girl is subject to
a royalty. ALL INQUIRIES CONCERNING PERFORMANCE RIGHTS,
INCLUDING AMATEUR RIGHTS, SHOULD BE DIRECTED TO
HEUER PUBLISHING LLC, PO BOX 248, CEDAR RAPIDS IA, 52406.
www.heuerpub.com
PANGEA GIRL: (Interrupts.) And why stop at animals? If causing
pain and suffering in living things is your pleasure you should
aspire to be as great as you can be. Go right to the top of the food
chain. You could have caused misery and pain on a global scale
for human beings. You could have set a museum on fire, or cut the
brake line for a commuter train, or poisoned a water reserve.
REPO MAN: I’m not some sort of sicko terrorist!
PANGEA GIRL: Who said you were?
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Pause.
REPO MAN: Right. Do you happen to know where your daddy keeps
his riding mower?
PANGEA GIRL: Riding mower?
REPO MAN: (Reads his clipboard.) One V-Twin Hydrostatic fifty-four
inch riding mower with a Kohler engine. It says… (He looks back
at PANGEA GIRL, who is still concentrating.) …what are you
doing?
PANGEA GIRL: What does it look like I’m doing?
REPO MAN: I already tried to guess and you called me a sicko
terrorist.
PANGEA GIRL: I did not. You called yourself a sicko terrorist. I was
just trying to inspire you to maximize your potential.
REPO MAN: So what are you doing if you’re not killing bugs? Trying
to set the earth on fire?
PANGEA GIRL: You’re getting closer. What do you know about
Pangea?
Pause.
REPO MAN: …is that the Internet music thing?
PANGEA GIRL: That’s Pandora.
REPO MAN: It’s a small fruit?
PANGEA GIRL: That’s a tangerine.
REPO MAN: That Japanese numbers game?
PANGEA GIRL: That’s Sudoku.
REPO MAN: I don’t know what Pangea is.
PANGEA GIRL: Over two hundred million years ago, North America,
South America, Africa, Eurasia, India, Antarctica and Australia
were all fused together into one gigantic super continent that is
commonly referred to as Pangea.
REPO MAN: Huh. So what happened?
PANGEA GIRL: Good question. How strong is your educational
background on geology, plate tectonics, and the late Paleozoic
and early Mesozoic eras?
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Pause.
REPO MAN: Pretend I know nothing.
PANGEA GIRL: It isn’t entirely clear what caused the rifting. The
continent started pulling apart instead of pushing together. But in
my opinion, and I won’t get into the science behind it—
REPO MAN: Thank you.
PANGEA GIRL: I believe it had to do with temperature.
REPO MAN: Global warming?
PANGEA GIRL: In a sense, but a warming that occurred from within
the planet, not from the outside. Global warming refers to a
heating of the atmosphere surrounding the planet.
REPO MAN: Huh.
PANGEA GIRL: The continents have merged and broken apart and
drifted up and down the equator since the beginning of time. There
have been countless formations and combinations of land masses.
Continental drift is a fascinating occurrence, and it happens
regularly. It’s cyclical. As the planet rotates things begin to move,
slowly but surely. I believe it’s time for another dramatic
continental drift, and I don’t feel like waiting for the planet to do it
on its own. So I’m using the application of intense heat to this
particular fissure in the pavement which runs quite deep over the
largest fault line in Northridge. I’ve been doing this every day for
the past thirteen days. I believe if I spend at least six hours a day
doing this, I will slowly change the temperature and therefore the
structural integrity of the plates comprising the convergent fault
line beneath us.
REPO MAN: Wow. Why?
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PANGEA GIRL: Because I believe it will cause a disruption, possibly
a cataclysmically large and devastating earthquake. I believe it will
cause a split in the continent right along here. Southern California
will break away and drift out into the Pacific Ocean. And when it’s
revealed that I have the power to do this, to literally reshape the
face of the earth, then they’ll be forced to listen.
REPO MAN: That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.
PANGEA GIRL: Crazy? Perhaps. Brilliant? Perhaps. But it’s what we
super villains do.
REPO MAN: I didn’t say brilliant.
PANGEA GIRL: You didn’t have to. I know I’m smart.
REPO MAN: So what are your demands?
PANGEA GIRL: Demands?
REPO MAN: You’re a super villain and you’re planning on destroying
the world, or at least breaking it in half with a giant earthquake.
This is usually the part in the movie where the villain lays out his or
her demands. What do you want? A million dollars? A mansion?
Power? Fame? A pony?
PANGEA GIRL: Why do grown men always think that girls want
ponies more than anything else in the world?
REPO MAN: I don’t know.
PANGEA GIRL: I mean it’s true. But it’s a little insulting that you’re
so presumptuous. My demands are…
She thinks for a moment.
REPO MAN: What?
PANGEA GIRL: …I don’t feel comfortable sharing them with you.
REPO MAN: You already shared your dastardly plan with me. Why
not tell me what you want?
PANGEA GIRL: I didn’t purposely share my plan with you. You
forced the information out of me.
REPO MAN: I did not.
PANGEA GIRL: You did. You coerced it out of me. You lulled me
into a false sense of security by acting dumber than you actually
are and tricked me into telling you.
REPO MAN: No I didn’t. I was acting as dumb as I actually am!
PANGEA GIRL: Well no matter how dumb you are, you’re a
stranger, and I shouldn’t be talking to you.
REPO MAN: You’re right. I’ll stop talking to you and get back to
work. Sorry to bother you. Go back to destroying the world.
He goes back to his clipboard and writes something down. PANGEA
GIRL eyes him curiously.
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PANGEA GIRL: Why are you here looking for my father’s mower?
REPO MAN looks sheepish.
REPO MAN: Does it matter?
PANGEA GIRL: (Holds up her magnifying glass.) If you want to live,
you’ll tell me.
REPO MAN: I’m here to repossess it.
Pause.
PANGEA GIRL: Why?
REPO MAN: Does it matter?
PANGEA GIRL: Yes. It’s his. You can’t just come here and take it.
(REPO MAN holds up his clipboard.) I don’t care about your
clipboard or stupid uniform. You’re obviously an officious little oaf
who thinks he has power when he clearly doesn’t have much of
anything, including a decent education. You’re probably not even
qualified to be a repo man. You’re probably not even a real repo
man to begin with. You’re probably a thief posing as a repo man in
order to steal from us. Get off my property right this second or I’ll
call the police.
REPO MAN: I have the law on my side here.
PANGEA GIRL: You can’t just come to people’s houses and steal
their things.
REPO MAN: I’m not stealing anything. You should ask your father
why I’m here. It’s not my place to talk about this kind of thing with
someone’s kid.
PANGEA GIRL: I won’t ask him why because I don’t ask him
anything anymore.
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REPO MAN: You should talk to your dad.
PANGEA GIRL: I can’t talk to him.
REPO MAN: Why not?
PANGEA GIRL: Because he doesn’t live here anymore! (PANGEA
GIRL sets down her magnifying glass and takes off her mask.)
REPO MAN: Oh. (REPO MAN sits down on the ground.) Did he
leave thirteen days ago?
PANGEA GIRL: (Sarcastically.) Well aren’t you perceptive.
REPO MAN: My parents split up too, a long time ago when I was
your age. It was really hard on me and my sister. It hurt. A lot. But
I know they still loved me.
PANGEA GIRL: I’m aware they still love me. I’m not an idiot. And I
don’t even care about their love anymore.
REPO MAN: So what is it then?
PANGEA GIRL: They split my life in two. And I’ll never forgive them
for that. They took all my things, all my clothes and books and
everything, and put half of them at my father’s new place. They
didn’t even ask me what I wanted here, and what I wanted at his
place. They just assumed. They sold our vacation house in the
mountains and split the money between them, even though I was
supposed to go on a nature hike there and spend the evening of
September the eighth at the mountain planetarium watching the
conjunction of Venus and Saturn. They’re splitting me for holidays.
I spend half of them here, and half them at my dad’s, which means
half the time I’m not going to get to see my cousins and aunt and
uncle. And worst of all, they were going to send me to a
Montessori school, but it’s really expensive, and really out of the
way for my dad since his new apartment is 45 minutes away. So
they said I can’t go there anymore.
REPO MAN: I’m sorry.
PANGEA GIRL: I’m not. They ruined my life, and now they’re going
to pay. They’ve created a monster, so I’m going to do what
monsters do. I’m going to destroy the earth, and ruin lives, and
treat people the way that you used to treat insects. What are my
demands, you ask? My demands are that they suffer as much as
I’ve suffered.
REPO MAN: And then what?
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PANGEA GIRL: And then we’ll see. If they aren’t completely
shattered by the earthquake, maybe I’ll drown them in a tsunami.
REPO MAN: It’s not right for a girl as young as you to be so cynical.
PANGEA GIRL: Why not?
REPO MAN: Because there’s hope in the world. You should be able
to see the hope more clearly at your age.
PANGEA GIRL: Well, the role of the hopeful girl is not a role that I’m
ever going to get to play. I’m not ignorant enough to play it. I know
too much.
REPO MAN: But why cast yourself as the villain? You didn’t do
anything wrong. You’re the innocent in all of this. You’re the one
who needs to be strong and brave, which aren’t characteristics of
a villain.
PANGEA GIRL: The villain is the hero of her own story.
REPO MAN: Maybe your friends can help you find hope.
PANGEA GIRL: Friends?
REPO MAN: Yeah. My friends are the ones who helped me
whenever I’d get really down about it…
PANGEA GIRL looks sadly at REPO MAN. Pause. REPO MAN
stands up. He thinks for a moment. Then he smiles and drops his
clipboard.
REPO MAN: You’re right.
PANGEA GIRL: Of course I’m right. (Pause.) About what?
REPO MAN: About me. Yes, I tricked you into revealing your plan.
PANGEA GIRL: You did?
REPO MAN: That’s right, Pangea Girl. It was all a part of my
dastardly plan. You see… (He picks up her black mask.) …I’m not
actually a real repo man.
PANGEA GIRL: No?
REPO MAN: (Laughs.) Haha, no. But I suppose you’ve already
guessed that. Haven’t you, Pangea Girl? (PANGEA GIRL smiles.)
You see, a real repo man typically works for an accredited
collection agency. They’re hired by companies to ensure that
outstanding payments are collected, and if they aren’t, the item
with an outstanding payment is collected. But of course, that’s not
why I’m here.
PANGEA GIRL: (Beginning to play along.) So then why are you
here?
REPO MAN: You see, Pangea Girl. (He slips on the mask.) I’ve
formed a brilliant plan to take over the planet through illegally
repossessing items from debtors, one riding mower at a time.
Because I am evil. I am corrupt. I am a villain. I am… (Strikes a
pose.) Repo Man! Bwahahahahaha!
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PANGEA GIRL stands up and heroically flares her cape.
PANGEA GIRL: I knew it all along, Repo Man!
REPO MAN: You did?? So what are you going to do about it???
PANGEA GIRL: I’m going to… (Takes her magnifying glass and
points it directly at REPO MAN’s feet.) …use my Seismo-glass
here to create seismic activity directly under your feet! Feel the
quake of the earth, Repo Man!
REPO MAN pretends he’s in an earthquake.
REPO MAN: Noooo! Noooooo! Foiled again! Blast you, Pangea Girl!
Blast you all the way to the mouth of Hades!
REPO MAN falls to the floor and continues to scream and flail about,
while PANGEA GIRL laughs and continues to play.
BLACKOUT.
THE END