Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Rhinoceros
A Play in Three Acts and Four Scenes
by Eugène Ionesco
(document updated: 11/23/16)
Translation by Allen Kuharski and George Moskos
Direct All Inquiries For Translation Rights To:
Allen Kuharski
317 N. 35th St., Philadelphia, PA, 19104
[email protected]
215-275-5094 (cell)
Direct All Inquiries For Performance Rights from the Ionesco Estate To:
Société des Auteurs et Compositeurs Dramatiques (SACD)
11bis Rue Ballu, 75009 Paris, France
+33 1 40 23 44 44/ http://www.sacd.fr
© 1995 by Allen Kuharski and George Moskos
1
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Act One
(The scene is a square in a small provincial town. Up-stage a house composed of
a ground floor and one story. The ground floor is the window of a grocer’s shop.
The entrance is up two or three steps through a glass-paned door. The word
GROCERYis written in bold letters above the shop window. The two windows
on the first floor are the living quarters of the grocer and his wife. The shop is
up-stage, but slightly to the left, not far from the wings. In the distance a church
steeple is visible above the grocer’s house. Between the shop and the left of the
stage there is a little street in perspective. To the right, slightly at an angle, is
the front of a café. Above the café, there is a floor with a window; in front, the
café terrace; several chairs and tables reach almost to center stage. A dusty tree
stands near the terrace chairs. Blue sky; harsh light; very white walls. The time
is almost mid-day on a Sunday in summertime. Jean and Berenger will sit at one
of the terrace tables.)
(The sound of church bells is heard, which stop a few moments before the curtain
rises. When the curtain rises, a woman carrying a basket of groceries under one
arm and a cat under the other crosses the stage in silence from right to left. As
she does so, the Grocer’s wife opens her shop door and watches her pass. )
Grocer’s Wife: (to her husband inside the shop)
shop here anymore.
That woman! Thinks she’s too good to
(She disappears, the stage is empty for several seconds.)
(Jean enters right at the same time as Berenger enters left. Jean is very
fastidiously dressed: brown suit, red tie, starched collar, brown hat. He has a
reddish face. His shoes are yellow, well-polished. Berenger is unshaven and
hatless, with unkempt hair and wrinkled clothes; everything about him indicates
negligence. He seems tired, half-asleep; he yawns from time to time. )
Jean:
(coming from the right) So you finally made it, Berenger.
Berenger:
(coming from the left)
Jean:
Always late, of course. (he looks at his wristwatch)
meet me at 11:30. It’s almost noon!
Berenger:
Sorry. Have you been waiting long?
Jean:
No. As you can see, I just got here.
Hello, Jean.
You were supposed to
(They go and sit at one of the tables on the café terrace)
Berenger:
Then I don’t feel so bad, since... you...
2
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Jean:
It’s not the same in my case, I don’t like to wait. I don’t have any time to waste.
Since you’re never on time, I make a point of coming late, just when I figure you
might finally show up.
Berenger:
You’re right... You’re right, but...
Jean:
Don’t try to tell me you’re ever on time!
Berenger:
Of course not...
(Jean and Berenger have sat down)
Jean:
You said it.
Berenger:
What do you want to drink?
Jean:
You need a drink this early in the day?
Berenger:
It’s so hot... so dry.
Jean:
The more you drink, the thirstier you get--it’s a scientific fact.
Berenger:
It would be less dry and I would be less thirsty if science could put a few clouds
in the sky.
Jean:
(studying Berenger)
want, Berenger...
Berenger:
What do you mean by that, Jean?
Jean:
You know what I mean. I’m talking about your parched throat. It’s like a desert.
Berenger:
It seems to me that your comparison...
Jean:
(interrupting him)
Berenger:
You think so?
Jean:
I’m not blind. You’re dead tired, you didn’t sleep last night, you’re yawning,
you can hardly keep your eyes open...
Berenger:
I’m a little under the weather...
Jean:
You reek of alcohol!
Berenger:
I’m a little hung over, it’s true...
Jean:
Every Sunday morning it’s the same thing, not to mention the rest of the week.
Berenger:
Not true--less during the week, because of my job.
That wouldn’t do you any good. It’s not water you
You’re in bad shape, Berenger.
3
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Jean:
And where’s your tie? Lost it after your binge!
Berenger:
(putting his hand to his neck)
possibly have done with it?
Jean:
(taking a tie out of his jacket pocket)
Berenger:
Oh, thanks! That’s nice of you. (He ties the tie)
Jean:
(while Berenger awkwardly ties his tie) Your hair’s a mess!
Huh, you’re right! That’s funny, what could I
Here, put this one on!
(Berenger runs his fingers through his hair)
Here’s a comb!
(He takes a comb out of a second jacket pocket)
Berenger:
(taking the comb)
hair)
Thanks! (he goes through the motions of combing his
Jean:
You haven’t shaved! Take a look at yourself!
(takes out a small mirror from the inside pocket of his jacket, hands it to
Berenger, who, while studying his reflection, sticks out his tongue)
Berenger:
My tongue’s all coated.
Jean:
(taking the mirror back, putting it in his pocket) Doesn’t surprise me!...(takes
back the comb Berenger hands him, puts it in his pocket) You’re going to end up
with cirrhosis of the liver, Berenger.
Berenger:
(concerned)
Jean:
(to Berenger, who starts to give Jean back his tie)
plenty!
Berenger:
(in an admiring tone)
Jean:
(still examining Berenger)
Your clothes are completely wrinkled, it’s
terrible! Your shirt is filthy, your shoes... (Berenger tries to hide his feet under
the table)
Your shoes aren’t shined... What a mess!... Your shoulders...
Berenger:
What’s wrong with my shoulders?...
Jean:
Turn around. Go ahead, turn around! You must have leaned against a wall...
You think so?
Keep the tie, I’ve got
You’re so put together!
(Berenger docilely extends his hand towards Jean)
No, I don’t carry a clothes brush with me! It would make my pocket bulge.
(Berenger slaps his shoulders in a desultory manner, raising a cloud of dust.
Jean turns his head to avoid the dust.)
4
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Boy oh boy! Where’d that come from?
Berenger:
I don’t remember.
Jean:
That’s pathetic! I’m ashamed to be seen with you!
Berenger:
You’re really being hard on me...
Jean:
And for good reason!
Berenger:
Listen, Jean. I never have any fun, this town is a bore, I’m not cut out for my
job... every day nine to five in the office, only three weeks of vacation! By
Saturday night, I’m so fed up, I need to relax--you can understand that...
Jean:
Berenger, everybody works, me included, and like everybody else, I put in my
eight hours at the office, and I only get three weeks’ vacation, but take a look at
me! All you need is a little willpower, for God’s sake!
Berenger:
Not everybody’s got your willpower. I just can’t get used to it. No, I just can’t
get used to life.
Jean:
Everybody’s got to get used to it. You think you’re better than everybody else?
Berenger:
I’m not saying that.
Jean:
(interrupting) I’m as good as you are, and with all due modesty, even better;
the superior man does his duty.
Berenger:
What duty?
Jean:
His duty!... His duty as an employee, for example.
Berenger:
Oh yeah, his duty as an employee...
Jean:
So where did you go drinking last night? Can you even remember?
Berenger:
We were celebrating Gus’s birthday, our friend Gus...
Jean:
Our friend Gus? I wasn’t even invited!
(at this moment we hear the far off but fast approaching sound of an animal
panting, and the sound of fast running, as well as of an extended trumpeting)
Berenger:
How could I refuse? That wouldn’t have been nice.
Jean:
Did you see me there?
Berenger:
No, but maybe that’s because you weren’t invited.
Waitress:
(coming out of the café) Good morning! What would you like to drink?
5
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(the noises have become very loud)
Jean:
(to Berenger, almost yelling to make himself heard over the sounds of which he
is still not quite conscious )
It’s true I didn’t have the honor of being invited.
All the same, rest assured that even if I had been, I wouldn’t have gone,
because...
(the noises have become overwhelming)
What’s going on?
(The noise of a powerful, heavy animal, galloping at great speed is heard very
close; the sound of panting)
What is it?
Waitress:
What is it?
(Berenger, still listless without appearing to hear anything at all, replies calmly
to Jean about the invitation; his lips move but we can’t hear what he’s saying;
Jean gets up suddenly, knocks over his chair as he does so, looks off left pointing
towards the wings, while Berenger, still out of it, remains seated.)
Jean:
Oh, a rhinoceros!
(The noise made by the animal fades away quickly and we can already hear the
dialogue that follows; this entire scene must be played very quickly, everyone
repeating: “Oh, a rhinoceros!” )
Waitress:
Oh, a rhinoceros!
Grocer’s Wife: (sticks her head out of the doorway of the shop) Oh, a rhinoceros! (To her
husband who has stayed in the shop) Quick, come and look, a rhinoceros!
(They are all looking at the animal off left. )
Jean:
It’s charging straight ahead, brushing up against the store windows!
Grocer:
(in his shop)
Waitress:
(putting her hands on her hips) Oh!
Where?
Grocer’s Wife: (to her husband who is still in the shop) Come and look!
(Just at this moment the grocer sticks his head out the doorway)
Grocer:
(his head out the doorway)
Logician:
(entering quickly left)
Oh, a rhinoceros!
A rhinoceros galloping down the other side of the street!
6
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(All these speeches, from Jean’s “Oh, a rhinoceros!” are practically
simultaneous. We hear a woman crying “Ah!” She appears. She runs to center
stage; it’s the Housewife with a shopping basket; once she arrives center stage
she drops her basket; the contents scatter all over the stage, a bottle breaks, but
she does not drop her cat which she’s holding in her other arm. )
Housewife:
Ah! Oh!
(An elegant Old Gentleman comes from stage left, following the Housewife,
rushes into the Grocery Store, running into the Grocer and his Wife, while the
Logician backs himself up against the US wall, to the left of the grocery store
door. Jean and the Waitress standing, Berenger sitting, still apathetic, form
another group. At the same time we can hear people crying “Oh!” and “Ah!”
from the left and the sounds of people fleeing. The dust raised by the animal
spreads over the stage.)
Café Proprietor: (sticking his head out of the second floor window of the café)
on?
What’s going
Old Gentleman: (disappearing behind the Grocer and his wife) Excuse me.
(The elegant Old Gentleman is dressed in white spats, a soft hat, and an ivoryhandled cane; the Logician is still pressed against the wall, has a little gray
mustache, pince-nez, and is wearing a straw hat)
Grocer’s Wife: (jostled and jostling her husband, to the Old Gentleman)
that cane!
Grocer:
Be careful with
Can’t you be more careful?!
(We can see the Old Gentleman’s head behind the Grocer and his wife)
Waitress:
(to the Boss)
A rhinoceros!
Café Proprietor: (from the window, to the Waitress)
rhinoceros) Well, how about that!
You must be dreaming! (seeing the
(NB: “How ‘bout that” will be repeated successively and sometimes
simultaneously in what follows. It is the translation of “Ça alors!” Each and
every French person has their own distinctive way of saying things like “Ça
alors” and “Oh la, la”--different intonations, speed, emphasis on one word or
the other in these short phrase. You should attempt to vary these characters’
“How about that” in the same manner.)
Housewife:
Oh!
7
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(The “Ohs!” and the “Ahs!” coming from the wings echo her own “Oh!”; the
Housewife who dropped her shopping basket and her bottle has still not dropped
her cat.)
Poor kitty! He got such a scare!
Café Proprietor: (still looking off left, following the rhinoceros with his gaze as the noise dies
down; hooves, trumpeting, etc. Berenger moves his head a bit to avoid the dust,
still seems half asleep, remains silent; he grimaces)
How ‘bout that!
Jean:
(also moving his head a bit, but more energetically)
sneezes)
How ‘bout that! (he
Housewife:
(center stage, turned towards the left; all her groceries are scattered all around
her)
How ‘bout that! (she sneezes)
All Three:
(Up stage; the Grocer opens the door to his shop that the Old Gentleman has
closed behind him)
How ‘bout that!
Jean:
How ‘bout that! (to Berenger)
Did you see that?
(The rhinoceros noises have moved far away, people are still following the
animal with their eyes, everyone is standing except Berenger, still apathetic and
sitting.)
All:
(except Berenger)
How ‘bout that!
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Yeah, it looks like it could’ve been a rhinoceros. ‘Sure kicks up
a lot of dust. (takes out his handkerchief, blows his nose)
Housewife:
How ‘bout that! Gave me a fright!
Grocer:
(to the Housewife)
Your basket... Your food... Your groceries...
(The Old Gentleman comes up to the Housewife, bending down to pick up her
groceries scattered on the ground; greets her in a gallant fashion, taking off his
hat)
Café Proprietor:
Who would’ve thought?!
Waitress:
Unbelievable!
Old Gentleman:
(to the Housewife)
Allow me!
Housewife:
(to the Old Gentleman) Thank you, sir. (he replaces his hat) Oh, what a
fright I’ve had!
Logician:
Fear is irrational. Reason must overcome it.
8
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Waitress:
It’s already completely out of sight.
Old Gentleman: (gesturing towards the Logician)
Jean:
(to Berenger)
Waitress:
Those animals really move!
Housewife:
(to the Logician)
My friend is a logician.
What do you say about that?
Charmed, I’m sure.
Grocer’s Wife: (to the Grocer) She got what was coming to her. She never shops here.
Jean:
(to the Café Proprietor and the Waitress)
Housewife:
In spite of everything, my cat never got away from me.
Café Proprietor: (shrugging his shoulders at the window)
What do you think about that?
You don’t see that everyday.
Housewife:
(to the Logician, while the Old Gentleman is picking up the groceries)Could you
hold him for just a minute?
Waitress:
(to Jean)
I’ve never seen anything like it! Logician:
(to the
Housewife. taking the cat into his arms) He doesn’t bite does he?
Café Proprietor: (to Jean)
It was like a comet!
Housewife:
(to the Logician)
He’s as sweet as can be. (to all the others) My wine,
after what I paid for it!
Grocer:
(to the Housewife)
Jean:
(to Berenger)
Grocer:
(to the Housewife)
That’s one thing I’ve got plenty of!
Come on, what do you have to say about all of this?
Café Proprietor: (to the Waitress)
And top quality, too!
Get moving! Take care of these gentlemen.
(gestures towards Berenger and Jean; pulls his head back inside)
Berenger:
(to Jean)
What are you talking about?
Grocer’s Wife: (to the Grocer) Go get her another bottle!
Jean:
(to Berenger)
The rhinoceros, for God’s sake, the rhinoceros!
Grocer:
(to the Housewife)
I’ve got some good wine, in unbreakable bottles.
(He disappears into his shop)
Logician:
(petting the cat in his arms)
Waitress:
(to Berenger and Jean)
Kitty. kitty, kitty.
What would you like to drink?
9
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
Two bloody marys.
Waitress:
Two bloody marys, coming up! (she goes towards the café entrance)
Housewife:
(picking up her groceries with the help of the Old Gentleman)
kind, sir.
Waitress:
Two bloody marys! (she goes into the café)
Old Gentleman: (to the Housewife)
You are very
It’s the least I can do, Madame!
(the Grocer’s Wife goes into the store)
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman and the Housewife, who are picking up the groceries)
Put them back carefully.
Jean:
(to Berenger)
Berenger:
(to Jean, with no idea what to say)
dust...
Grocer:
(coming out of his store with a bottle of wine, to the Housewife) I also have
some nice leeks!
Logician:
(still petting the cat in his arms) Kitty, kitty, kitty!
Grocer:
(to the Housewife)
Housewife:
(giving the money to the Grocer; then speaking to the Old Gentleman, who has
finished putting everything back into the basket)
So what do you have to say about all this?
Uh... nothing. Sure kicks up a lot of
That’s ten francs a bottle.
You are most kind. Chivalry is not dead! Not like the young people today.
Grocer:
(taking the Housewife’s money) You really should do your shopping at our store,
you won’t even have to cross the street. You won’t have to worry about what
you might run into. (He goes back into his store)
Jean:
(who has sat back down, and is still thinking about the rhinoceros)
is amazing!
Old Gentleman: (who tips his hat and kisses the hand of the housewife)
you!
Housewife:
(to the Logician)
It really
Very nice to have met
Thank you, sir, for holding my cat.
(The Logician gives the cat to the housewife. The Waitress reappears with the
drinks.)
Waitress:
Here are your drinks!
10
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Jean:
(to Berenger)
You’ll never learn!
Old Gentleman: (to the Housewife)
Berenger:
Would you like me to accompany you part of the way?
(to Jean, gesturing towards the Waitress, who is going back into the café)
She got it wrong, I asked for mineral water!
(Jean shrugs his shoulders disdainfully and incredulously)
Housewife:
(to the Old Gentleman) My husband is waiting for me, dear sir. Thank you,
perhaps another time.
Old Gentleman: (to the Housewife)
That is my fervent hope.
Housewife:
(to the Old Gentleman) Mine also! (Makes eyes at him; exits Stage Left)
Berenger:
The dust has settled.
(Jean shrugs his shoulders again)
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician, following the Housewife with his eyes)
Jean:
(to Berenger)
Delightful!
A rhinoceros, I can’t get over it!
(The Old Gentleman and the Logician walk slowly towards the right, where they
will exit, speaking calmly.)
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician, after casting a last glance in the Housewife’s direction)
Charming, isn’t she?
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) I’m going to explain the concept of a syllogism to you.
Old Gentleman: Oh, yes, a syllogism!
Jean:
(to Berenger)
I can’t get over it, it shouldn’t be allowed!
(Berenger yawns)
Logician:
Old Gentleman:
A syllogism consists of a main proposition, a secondary one, and a conclusion.
What conclusion?
(The Logician and the Old Gentleman exit)
Jean:
I just can’t get over it.
Berenger:
It’s obvious you can’t get over it. It was a rhinoceros, and so -well, yes, it was a
rhinoceros!... It’s gone now... far away...
11
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Jean:
Come on, it’s unheard of! Doesn’t it surprise you to see a rhinoceros running
loose in town? That shouldn’t be allowed!
(Berenger yawns)
Cover your mouth with your hand!...
Berenger:
Yeah, yeah... it shouldn’t be allowed. It’s dangerous. I hadn’t thought about it
that way. Don’t worry, we’re in no danger.
Jean:
We should complain to City Hall, what are they good for, anyway?
Berenger:
(yawning, covering his mouth quickly with his hand) Oh, pardon me... Maybe the
rhinoceros escaped from the zoo.
Jean:
You’re dreaming.
Berenger:
But I’m wide awake.
Jean:
Awake or asleep, it’s the same thing.
Berenger:
But there is a difference.
Jean:
That’s not the point.
Berenger:
You’re the one who just said it’s the same thing, awake or asleep.
Jean:
You don’t understand. Awake or asleep - dreaming is dreaming!
Berenger:
Yes, I’m a dreamer... Life is a dream.
Jean:
You’re certainly dreaming when you say the rhinoceros escaped from a zoo...
Berenger:
I said “maybe.”
Jean:
...because there hasn’t been a zoo around here since the all the animals died in
the epidemic... a long time ago...
Berenger:
OK so maybe it escaped from a circus.
Jean:
What circus are you talking about?
Berenger:
I don’t know, a traveling circus...
Jean:
You know perfectly well that circuses aren’t allowed in town... There hasn’t been
one since we were kids.
Berenger:
In that case, maybe it’s been hiding out in the swamps since then.
Jean:
In the swamps! In the swamps! Berenger, all that alcohol is clouding your mind.
12
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
Now that’s true... It makes its way up from my stomach.
Jean:
And pickles your brain. Where have you seen any swamps? It’s so dry around
here they call it the “little Mojave”!
Berenger:
(fed-up and rather tired)
Why ask me anyway? Maybe it hid under a
rock?... Maybe it made its nest on some dead branch?
Jean:
If you think you’re being funny, believe me, you’re wrong! You’re just being
obnoxious! In my opinion, it’s impossible to have a serious conversation with
you!
Berenger:
Today, today in particular... because... because of... (he points vaguely towards
his head)
Jean:
Today, just like every other day!
Berenger:
Well, not every day...
Jean:
It doesn’t work when you try to be funny!
Berenger:
I wasn’t trying to be...
Jean:
(interrupting him)
Berenger:
(his hand on his heart) Jean, I would never do that...
Jean:
(interrupting him)
Berenger:
I do not, I would never...
Jean:
Yes, you just did!
Berenger:
How can you think...
Jean:
(interrupting him)
Berenger:
Let me assure you...
Jean:
(interrupting him)
Berenger:
You really are stubborn.
Jean:
Now on top of everything else you’re calling me a jackass. You’re insulting me
on purpose.
Berenger:
The thought never even crossed my mind.
Jean:
You don’t have a mind!
Berenger:
Which explains why the thought didn’t cross it.
I hate it when someone makes fun of me!
Berenger, you do it all the time...
What I think is true!
...that you’re making fun of me!
13
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Jean:
There are things that cross the mind even of those who don’t have one.
Berenger:
That’s impossible.
Jean:
And why would that be impossible?
Berenger:
Because it’s impossible.
Jean:
Since you claim to have all the answers, explain to me why that would be
impossible.
Berenger:
...I never claimed any such thing.
Jean:
Then why act like you do! And, one more time, why are you insulting me?
Berenger:
I am not insulting you. Just the opposite. You know how much I respect you.
Jean:
If you respect me, why do you contradict me by saying that it’s not dangerous to
let a rhinoceros run loose in the middle of town, especially on a Sunday morning
when the streets are full of children... and adults, too...
Berenger:
A lot of them are in church. They’re in no danger...
Jean:
(interrupting him)
shopping.
Berenger:
I never said that it wasn’t dangerous to let a rhinoceros run loose in town. I
simply said that I hadn’t thought about the danger. It never occurred to me.
Jean:
You never think about anything at all!
Berenger:
Okay, you’re right. A loose rhinoceros is not a good thing.
Jean:
It shouldn’t even exist.
Berenger:
Understood. It shouldn’t even exist. It’s doesn’t make any sense. Alright!
That’s still no reason for us to argue. Why are you jumping on me because of
some animal that just happened to walk by. Some stupid quadruped that’s not
even worth talking about. Some perissodactyl who’s already disappeared, who
no longer exists. We’re not going to waste time over an animal that doesn’t even
exist. Let’s talk about something else, there’s lots of other things to talk about...
(he yawns and picks up his glass). Cheers!
Please... even worse, when everybody’s doing their
(Just at this moment the Logician and the Old Gentleman return from Stage
Right; they cross, while speaking, and sit at one of the tables on the café terrace,
rather far from Berenger and Jean, Up Stage Left)
Jean:
Put that drink back down! Not one sip!
14
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(Jean takes a big swallow of his own drink and puts the half empty glass on the
table)
Berenger:
(continues to told his glass in his hand without putting it down, but without
drinking it either)
You don’t expect me to leave it!
(he prepares to take a swallow)
Jean:
I’m telling you, don’t.
Berenger:
Okay.
(He starts to put the glass down just as Daisy, a young, blond typist crosses from
stage left. When he sees Daisy, Berenger gets up abruptly and clumsily drops his
glass, which spills over Jean’s lap.)
Oh, Daisy!
Jean:
Watch out! God you’re clumsy!
Berenger:
It’s Daisy... I’m sorry... (he tries to hide so that Daisy won’t see him) I don’t
want her to see me... like this.
Jean:
Your behavior’s unforgivable, absolutely unforgivable! (he looks at Daisy, who
exits) That young woman terrifies you?
Berenger:
Shut up, shut up.
Jean:
She seems harmless enough to me!
Berenger:
(moving back towards Jean once Daisy has exited)
Jean:
That’s what happens when you drink, you can’t control yourself, you can’t even
hold onto your glass, you’re in a daze, a total mess. You’re digging your own
grave, Berenger, you don’t know what you’re doing anymore.
Berenger:
I don’t like alcohol all that much. And yet, if I don’t drink, I can’t cope. It’s as
though I’m afraid of something, so I drink not to be afraid.
Jean:
Afraid of what?
Berenger:
I don’t really know. It’s a kind of free-floating anxiety. I feel uncomfortable
with life, with other people, so I drink. It calms me, it relaxes me, its helps me
forget.
Jean:
What you’re forgetting is yourself.
I’m sorry for...
15
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
I’m tired. I’ve been tired for years. I can hardly carry the weight of my own
body.
Jean:
That’s alcoholic depression, it’s the liquor talking.
Berenger:
(continuing)
I’m aware of my body every second, as if it were made of lead,
as if I were carrying another person on my back. I’ve never gotten used to
myself. I don’t even know if I’m me. As soon as I drink a little, the weight
disappears, I recognize myself, I’m me again.
Jean:
What crazy ideas. Berenger, look at me. I weigh more than you do, and yet I
feel free, free, free as a bird!
(he is moving his arms as if he were flying away)
(The Old Gentleman and the Logician, while speaking to each other, take several
steps Center Stage. As Jean is speaking, they pass Jean and Berenger, one of
Jean’s arms bumps the Old Gentleman hard. He falls into the arms of the
Logician.)
Logician:
(continues speaking to the Old Gentleman)
An example of a syllogism...
(he is jostled)
Oh!...
Old Gentleman: (to Jean) Be careful. (to Logician)
Jean:
(to the Old Gentleman) Excuse me.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) No harm done.
Old Gentleman: (to Jean)
Excuse me.
No harm done.
(The Old Gentleman and the Logician sit down at one of the tables on the terrace
Up Stage Left of Jean and Berenger)
Berenger:
(to Jean) You certainly are strong.
Jean:
Yes, I’m strong, I’m strong for several reasons. First of all, I’m strong because
I’m strong; secondly, I’m strong because I have moral strength. I’m also strong
because I’m not swimming in alcohol. Not to make you angry, but I have to say
it’s the alcohol that’s really getting you down.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Here’s an exemplary syllogism. A cat has four paws.
Isidore and Fricot each have four paws. Therefore Isidore and Fricot are cats.
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
My dog also has four paws.
16
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Then it’s a cat.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
I barely have the strength to go on. Maybe I don’t even want to
live any more.
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician after thinking a long time)
a cat.
Then logically my dog would be
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Logically, yes. But the opposite is also true.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Jean:
(to Berenger) You’re contradicting yourself. Is it being alone that gets you
down or other people? For someone who thinks he’s so profound, you’re not
even logical.
Being alone gets me down. Being with other people does too.
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
Logic is beautiful.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) As long as you don’t abuse it.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Jean:
Just the opposite. Nothing is more natural. The proof: everybody’s alive.
Berenger:
The dead outnumber the living. There’re more and more of them. The living are
few and far between.
Jean:
The dead don’t exist at all, can’t argue about that!... Ah! Ah!... (laughs heartily)
Do dead people get you down, too? How can something that doesn’t exist get
you down?
Berenger:
I wonder if I exist myself!
Jean:
(To Berenger) You don’t exist because you don’t think! Think, and you will
be.
Living isn’t normal.
(NB: This is a direct take-off on Pascal’s “Je pense donc je suis” [I think therefore I am.] You
might have Jean simply say that in English as a quotation. It might be even more
effective for him to say it in French. In fact we think that the best solution. Or
you might have him say: To think is to exist.)
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Another syllogism: all cats are mortal. Socrates is
mortal. Therefore, Socrates is a cat.
Old Gentleman: And he has four paws. That’s true, I have a cat named Socrates.
Logician:
You see...
Jean:
(to Berenger) Deep down you’re an actor and a clown. A liar. You say that
life doesn’t interest you. But there is somebody you’re interested in!
17
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
Who?
Jean:
Your little co-worker who just went by. You’re in love with her!
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
Then Socrates was a cat!
Logician:
Logic has just shown us that.
Jean:
(to Berenger) You didn’t want Daisy to see you in such a bad way. (Berenger
gestures) That proves you’re not indifferent to everything. But how do you
expect her to be attracted to a drunk?
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Let’s get back to our cats.
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
I’m all ears.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
I think she already has somebody else in mind anyway.
Jean:
(to Berenger)
Who might that be?
Berenger:
Dudard. Another guy from the office. Law degree. Already practicing.
Brilliant future with the company. Brilliant future with Daisy. There’s no way I
can compete with him.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Isidore the cat has four paws.
Old Gentleman: How do you know that?
Logician:
Berenger:
It’s stated in the hypothesis.
(to Jean)
The boss likes him a lot. Me, I have no future, haven’t been to
college, I don’t have any chance at all.
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
Ah! In the hypothesis!
Jean:
(to Berenger)
And you’re giving up just like that?
Berenger:
(to Jean)
What can I do?
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Fricot also has four paws. Then how many paws do
Fricot and Isidore have?
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
Together, or separately?
Jean:
(to Berenger)
Life is a constant battle, it’s cowardly not to fight!
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Together, or separately, that depends.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Jean:
Put up a fight, Berenger, defend yourself.
What can I do? I don’t have any weapons.
18
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician, after painful reflection)
Logician:
Eight, eight paws.
Logic leads to mental calculation.
Old Gentleman: It has many different facets.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Where am I going to find them?
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Logic has no limits!
Jean:
Within yourself. Through willpower.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) You’re going to see...
Jean:
(to Berenger) The weapons of patience, culture, and intelligence. (Berenger
yawns) Develop a bright and vibrant intellect. Bring yourself up to date.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) I’m going to take two paws away from these cats. That
will leave each one with how many?
What weapons?
How can I get up to date?
Old Gentleman: That’s complicated.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
That’s complicated.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) To the contrary, it’s simple.
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
It’s easy for you, maybe, but not for me.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
It’s easy for you, maybe, but not for me.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Think hard. Apply yourself.
Jean:
(to Berenger)
Think hard. Apply yourself.
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
I don’t get it.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
I really don’t get it.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Do I have to explain everything to you?
Jean:
(to Berenger)
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Take a piece of paper, figure it out. We take six paws
from two cats, that leaves how many paws for each cat?
Do I have to explain everything to you?
Old Gentleman: Wait...
(he calculates on a piece of paper that he takes from his pocket)
19
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Jean:
Here’s what you have to do: dress well, shave every day, put on a clean shirt.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Jean:
(to Berenger) Spend less on alcohol. Now, for your wardrobe: hat, a tie like
this one, an elegant suit, well-polished shoes.
Dry cleaning is expensive...
(while talking about these articles of clothing, Jean is pointing out fatuously his
own hat, tie, suit, and shoes)
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
There are several possible solutions.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Tell me.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Logician
(to the Old Gentleman) I’m listening.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Jean:
(to Berenger)
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Jean:
Yes, but you’ve got to use it. Find out what’s going on around you, get involved.
And then what do I do? Tell me...
I’m listening.
You’re timid, but you do have talent.
Me, I’ve got talent?
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
the other one two.
One possible solution: one cat could have four paws, and
Berenger:
(to Jean)
I have so little free time.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) You’ve got talent, you just need to use it.
Jean:
Put the little bit of free time you have to good use. Don’t let yourself get
sidetracked.
Old Gentleman: I never had the time. I was a bureaucrat.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) You can always find the time to cultivate yourself.
Jean:
(to Berenger)
You can always find the time.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
It’s too late.
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
It’s a little bit late for me.
Jean:
(to Berenger)
It’s never too late.
Logician
(to the Old Gentleman) It’s never too late.
20
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Jean:
(to Berenger) You work eight hours a day, so do I, so does everybody, but on
Sunday, in the evening, with your three-week summer vacation? That’s enough,
if you really apply yourself.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) And so, the other solutions? With method, with
method...
(the Old Gentleman starts calculating again)
Jean
(to Berenger) Look here, instead of drinking and making yourself sick,
wouldn’t it be better to be bright eyed and bushy tailed? Even in the office? And
you can spend your free time constructively.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Jean:
Go to museums, read magazines, attend lectures. That’ll get you out of your
depression, and it’ll sharpen your intellect. In four weeks you’ll be a cultivated
person.
Berenger:
You’re right!
Which is to say?...
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
Jean:
(to Berenger)
There could be a cat with five paws...
You yourself admit it.
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
cats?
And another cat with one paw. But would they still be
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Why not?
Jean
(to Berenger) Instead of spending all your money on alcohol, wouldn’t it be
better to buy some theatre tickets and see an interesting play? Do you know
anything about the avant-garde theatre that everybody’s talking about so much,
have you read Ionesco’s plays?
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Unfortunately, no! I’ve only heard about them.
Old Gentleman: (to Logician)
If we take away two of the eight paws from two cats...
Jean:
There’s one playing now. Take advantage of it.
(to Berenger)
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
Jean:
We would have one cat with six paws...
That would be an excellent introduction to what’s happening in the theater.
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
And another cat, with no paws at all.
Berenger:
You’re right, you’re right. I’m going to bring myself up to date, as you put it.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) In that case, there would be a privileged cat.
21
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
(to Jean)
I promise you I’ll do it.
Jean:
Promise yourself you’ll do it. Make that promise to yourself.
Old Gentleman: And one underprivileged cat completely deprived of paws?
Berenger:
I make that solemn promise to myself. I’ll keep my word to myself.
Logician:
That would be unjust. Therefore it would not be logical.
Berenger:
Instead of drinking, I choose to cultivate my mind. I feel better already. I
already see things more clearly.
Jean:
Didn’t I tell you!
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
Not logical?
Berenger:
I’ll start right away. This afternoon I’ll go to the museum. I’ll buy two tickets
for the theatre tonight. Will you come with me?
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Because justice is logical.
Jean:
(to Berenger)
last.
You’re going to have to keep it up. Your good intentions have to
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
I get it. Justice...
Berenger:
(to Jean)
I promise you, I promise myself. Will you come with me to the
museum this afternoon?
Jean:
(to Berenger)
This afternoon? I’m taking a nap. It’s part of my regimen.
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
Justice is yet another facet of logic.
Berenger:
(to Jean)
But wouldn’t you like to come with me to the theatre tonight?
Jean:
No, not tonight.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Your mind is getting clearer!
Jean:
(to Berenger) I hope your good intentions will last. But tonight I have to meet
some friends in a bar.
Berenger:
(to Jean) In a bar?
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
Jean:
What’s more, a cat with no paws at all...
I promised to go. I keep my promises.
22
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Old Gentleman: (to the Logician)
...wouldn’t be able to run fast enough to catch mice.
Berenger:
(to Jean) Jean, this time you’re setting the bad example! You’re going to get
drunk.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) You’re already making progress in logic!
(The sound of rapid galloping, of trumpeting, of a rhinoceros’s hooves, loud
breathing, is heard approaching very quickly, but this time from the opposite
direction, from Up Stage to Down Stage from Off Stage Left)
Jean:
(furiously to Berenger) It’s just this once. It’s nothing like you, because you...
you... it’s not the same thing...
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Jean:
(shouting over the noise coming from the café) I’m not a drunk!
Logician:
(shouting to the Old Gentleman) Even without paws, cats have to catch mice, it’s
in their nature.
Berenger:
(shouting very loudly)
me and not to you?
Why isn’t it the same thing?
I’m not saying you’re a drunk, but why does it apply to
Old Gentleman: (shouting to the Logician)
What’s in a cat’s nature?
Jean:
(still yelling to Berenger)
Everything is a question of degree. Unlike you,
I do everything in moderation.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman, cupping his hands to his ears)
What are you saying?
(Loud noises drown out the words of the four characters)
Berenger:
( to Jean, cupping his hands to his ears) While I, what, what are you saying?
Jean:
(yelling over the noise) I’m saying that..
Old Gentleman: (yelling over the noise) I’m saying that...
Jean:
(suddenly aware of the noises which are now very near) What the hell’s going
on?
Logician:
What is it?
Jean:
(gets up, knocks his chair over, looks over to Stage Right wings, from which
come the sounds of a rhinoceros going in the opposite direction)
Oh, a rhinoceros!
Logician:
(rising, knocking over his chair)
Oh, a rhinoceros!
23
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Old Gentleman: (doing the same)
Oh, a rhinoceros!
Berenger:
(still seated, but this time, taking more notice)
opposite direction!
Waitress:
(coming out with a tray of glasses)
Rhinoceros! Coming from the
What’s going on? Oh. A rhinoceros!
(She drops the tray and breaks all the glasses)
Café Proprietor: (coming out of the café) What’s going on?
Waitress:
(to the Café Proprietor)
Logician:
A rhinoceros, charging down the other side of the street!
Grocer:
(coming out of his shop)
Jean:
Oh, a rhinoceros!
Grocer’s Wife:
(sticking her head out of the window above the store)
rhinoceros!
Café Proprietor:
A rhinoceros!
Oh, a rhinoceros!
Oh, a
(to the Waitress) That’s no reason to break the glasses!
Jean:
He’s charging straight ahead, brushing up against the store windows.
Daisy:
(entering left)
Berenger:
(seeing Daisy) Oh, Daisy!
Oh, a rhinoceros!
(We hear hurried steps of people fleeing, cries of “Oh!” and “Ah!” )
Waitress:
How about that!
Café Proprietor: (to the Waitress)
You owe me for the breakage!
(Berenger tries to hide, so that Daisy won’t see him. The Old Gentleman, the
Logician, the Grocer and his wife all come to center-stage and say)
All:
(together)
Jean and Berenger:
How about that!
How about that!
(We hear the searing cry of the cat being crushed, echoed by the cry of the
Housewife.)
All:
Oh!
(Almost at the same moment at the sound of the rhinoceros fades into the
distance, the Housewife appears without her basket, but holding in her arms the
bloody corpse of her cat. )
24
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Housewife:
(wailing)
It ran over my cat! It ran over my cat!
Waitress:
It ran over her cat!
(The Grocer and his Wife at the window. The Old Gentleman, Daisy and the
Logician standing around the Housewife say: )
All:
What a tragedy, poor little thing!
Old Gentleman: Poor little thing!
Daisy and Waitress:
Poor little thing!
Grocer and Wife, Old Gentleman, and Logician: Poor little thing!
Café Proprietor:
(to the Waitress, pointing to the broken glass and the upturned chairs)
Don’t just stand there! Clean this all up!
(Jean and Berenger rush up to the Housewife, who is still wailing with the dead
cat in her arms)
Waitress:
(moves toward the café terrace to sweep up the broken glasses and pick up the
overturned chairs, all the while looking backwards towards the Housewife)
Oh, the poor little thing!
Café Proprietor: (pointing out the broken glasses and overturned chairs to the Waitress) There...
there... and there...
Old Gentleman: (to the Grocer) What do you think of all this?
Berenger:
(to the Housewife)
Don’t cry, you’re breaking our hearts.
Daisy:
(to Berenger)
Mr. Berenger... Were you there, did you see?
Berenger:
(to Daisy)
Hello, Daisy. I didn’t have time to shave, I’m sorry to have...
Café Proprietor: (still following the Waitress’s progress, glancing towards the Housewife)
Poor little thing!
Waitress:
(picking up the debris, her back turned to the Housewife)
thing!
Poor little
(All these lines must be said very rapidly, almost simultaneously)
Grocer’s Wife: (at window)
It’s just too sad!
Jean:
It’ just too sad!
Housewife:
(wailing and rocking her dead cat in her arms) My poor kitty, my poor kitty!
25
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Old Gentleman: (to the Housewife)
better circumstances.
I wish our second meeting could have taken place under
Logician:
(to the Housewife)
accept it.
What can you expect? All cats are mortal. You must
Housewife:
(lamenting)
My cat, my cat, my cat!
Café Proprietor: (to the Waitress whose apron is full of broken glass)
Go on, take this to the trash can!
(he has picked up the chairs)
You owe me a hundred francs!
Waitress:
(moving into the café; to the Proprietor) You only think about money!
Grocer’s Wife: (to the Housewife; from the window)
Old Gentleman: (to the Housewife)
Calm down!
Calm down, my dear!
Grocer’s Wife: (from window) It’s so sad!
Housewife:
My cat, my cat, my cat...
Daisy:
Oh, yes, it’s so sad.
Old Gentleman: (supporting the Housewife, and guiding her to a table on the terrace followed by
the others)
Please have a seat, my dear.
Jean:
(to the Old Gentleman) What do you think about all this?
Grocer:
(to the Logician)
What do you think about all this?
Grocer’s Wife: (to Daisy, from her window)
What do you think about all this?
Café Proprietor: (to the Waitress, who comes back while they are seating the weeping Housewife
at one of the terrace tables, still crying and cradling her dead cat)
A glass of water for the lady!
Old Gentleman: (to the Housewife)
Jean:
Have a seat, my dear.
Poor woman!
Grocer’s Wife:
Berenger:
Poor kitty!
(to the Waitress)
Café Proprietor: (to the Waitress)
Bring her a stiff drink instead!
A stiff drink?!
26
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(pointing to Berenger)
This gentleman is paying
Waitress:
(going into the café)
One cognac! Right away!
Housewife:
(sobbing)
Grocer:
It ran by a little while ago, in front of my store.
Jean:
(to the Grocer) That wasn’t the same one!
Grocer:
(to Jean)
I don’t want any, I don’t want any!
Still...
Grocer’s Wife:
Oh, yes, it was the same one.
Daisy:
Then that’s the second time it’s gone by?
Café Proprietor: I think it was the same one.
Jean:
No, it was not the same rhinoceros. The first one had two horns on its nose, it
was an Asian rhinoceros. The second only had one, it was an African rhinoceros!
(The Waitress comes out with a glass of cognac, carries it to the Housewife.)
Old Gentleman: Here’s some cognac, it will make you feel better.
Housewife:
(crying) No...
Berenger:
(suddenly upset, to Jean)
You say such stupid things!... How could you
have seen the horns? It went by so fast we barely had time to see it...
Daisy:
(to the Housewife)
Old Gentleman: (to Berenger)
In fact, it was going awfully fast.
Café Proprietor: (to the Housewife)
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Believe me, it will make you feel better!
Have a taste, it’s good!
You didn’t have time to count horns!
Grocer’s Wife: (to the Waitress from the window)
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Daisy:
(to the Housewife)
Make her drink it.
What’s more, it was surrounded by a cloud of dust.
Old Gentleman (to the Housewife)
Take a sip, ma’am.
Just a sip... Be brave!
(The Waitress holds the glass for the Housewife, and lifts it to her lips; she acts
like she will refuse it, and then drinks it after all. )
27
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Waitress:
There you go!
Grocer’s Wife and Daisy:
There you go!
Jean:
I’m not lost in a cloud of dust! I count quickly. I have a clear
(to Berenger)
mind!
Old Gentleman: (to the Housewife)
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Feeling better?
Look, he was charging with his head down.
Café Proprietor: (to the Housewife)
Jean:
(to Berenger)
Housewife:
(after having drunk)
Berenger:
(irritated)
Isn’t it good!
Exactly, I could see better that way!
My cat!
Bullshit! Bullshit!
Grocer’s Wife (to the Housewife)
I’ll find another one.
Jean:
(to Berenger)
Housewife:
(to the Grocer’s Wife) I don’t want another one! (she sobs, rocking her cat)
Berenger:
(to Jean)
Café Proprietor:
Jean:
What do you mean, bullshit?
That’s what I said, bullshit!
(to the Housewife)
(to Berenger)
I’m not a bullshitter!
Old Gentleman: (to the Housewife)
Berenger:
(to Jean)
know-it-all!
You’re just going to have to accept it!
Be philosophical.
You’re nothing but a pretentious ass! (raising his voice) A
Café Proprietor: (to Jean and Berenger) Gentlemen, gentlemen!
Berenger:
(to Jean, continuing) A know-it-all jack-ass who doesn’t even know what he’s
talking about. First of all, the Asian rhinoceros has one horn and the African one
has two...
(the other characters leave the Housewife and group themselves around Jean
and Berenger, who are arguing very loudly. )
Jean:
(to Berenger)
You’re wrong, it’s the other way around.
Housewife:
(left alone)
He was so cute!
Berenger:
You want to bet?
28
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Waitress:
They’re going to bet on it!
Daisy:
(to Berenger)
Jean:
(to Berenger) I’m not going to bet with you! You’re the one who’s got two
horns! You Asian so-and-so!
Don’t get so worked up, Berenger.
(NB: This exchange on horns has to do with being cuckolded. In French a man
who’s in that position is said to have horns--as in Shakespeare’s usage.)
Waitress:
Oh!
Grocer’s Wife: (to her husband) There’s going to be a fight!
Grocer:
(to his wife)
No way, it’s just a bet.
Café Proprietor: (to Jean and Berenger) I don’t want any trouble here.
Old Gentleman: Let’s see... What kind of rhinoceros only has one horn?
(to the Grocer)
You’re a businessman, you should know!
Grocer’s Wife: (to her husband) Yeah, you should know!
Berenger:
(to Jean)
I don’t have horns! And I never will!
Grocer:
(to the Old Gentleman) Businessmen can’t be expected to know everything!
Jean:
(to Berenger)
Berenger:
(to Jean)
And I’m not Asian, either!
are people just like everybody else!
Waitress:
Yes, Asians are people just like you and me!
Yes, you will sooner or later!
And I’ll have you know, Asians
Old Gentleman: (to the Café Proprietor) That’s right!
Café Proprietor: (to the Waitress)
Who asked you. anyway?
Daisy:
She’s right, they’re people just like us!
(to the Proprietor)
(The Housewife continues sobbing during this entire discussion.)
Housewife:
He was so sweet, he was just like us!
Jean:
(beside himself) They’re yellow!
(The Logician, off to the side, between the Housewife and the group around Jean
and Berenger, is following the argument attentively without participating.)
29
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Good-bye, everybody! (to Berenger)
I’ve nothing further to say to you!
Housewife:
(still sobbing) He was so affectionate! (she sobs)
Daisy:
Please, Berenger! Please, Jean!
Old Gentleman: I’ve had Asian friends. Maybe they weren’t real Asians.
Café Proprietor: I’ve known some real ones.
Waitress:
(to the Grocer’s Wife)
I had an Asian friend.
Housewife:
(still sobbing) I got him when he was just a little kitten!
Jean:
(still quite beside himself)
Berenger:
(to Jean)
They’re yellow! Yellow! Very yellow!
Forget about them, you’re getting redder and redder!
Grocer’s Wife and Waitress: Oh!
Café Proprietor:
This is getting serious.
Housewife:
(still sobbing) He was so clean! He always used his litter!
Jean:
(to Berenger) If that’s the way you want it, you’ll never see me again! I’m
wasting my time with an imbecile like you.
Housewife:
He always let me know what he wanted!
(Jean quickly exits stage-right, furious; turns around before exiting)
Old Gentleman: (to the Grocer) There are also blue and black Asians, and even white ones like
us!
Jean:
(to Berenger)
Drunk!
(They all look at him in consternation)
Berenger:
(in Jean’s direction)
All:
(looking in Jean’s direction)
Housewife:
The only thing he couldn’t do was talk, but sometimes...
Daisy:
(to Berenger)
You shouldn’t have made him so angry.
Berenger:
(to Daisy)
It’s not my fault...
Café Proprietor: (to the Waitress)
I will not permit you...
Oh!
Go get a little box to bury this poor creature in.
Old Gentleman: (to Berenger)
I think you’re right. The Asian rhinoceros has two
horns, the one from Africa has one.
30
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Grocer:
But this gentleman was saying the opposite.
Daisy:
(To Berenger) They’re both wrong!
Old Gentleman: (to Berenger)
I still think you were right.
Waitress:
(to the Housewife)
coffin for him.
Come with me, ma’am. We’re going to find a little
Housewife:
(sobbing, out of control) Never, never!
Grocer:
Excuse me, but I think it was Jean who was right.
Daisy:
(turning to the Housewife)
Try to be reasonable, ma’am.
(Daisy and the Waitress lead the Housewife with her dead cat towards the
entrance of the café)
Old Gentleman: (to Daisy and the Waitress)
Would you like me to come along?
Grocer:
The rhinoceros from Asia has one horn, the rhinoceros from Africa, two. And
vice versa.
Daisy:
(to the Old Gentleman) It’s not necessary.
(Daisy and the Waitress go into the café dragging the Housewife, who will still
not be consoled.)
Grocer’s Wife: (to the Grocer) Oh you, you always have to disagree with everybody.
Berenger:
(aside, while the others continue to discuss the horns of the rhinoceros)
Daisy’s right, I shouldn’t have contradicted him.
Café Proprietor: (to the Grocer’s Wife) Your husband is right, if the rhinoceros from Asia has
two horns, then the one from Africa also has two, and vice versa.
Berenger:
(aside) He can’t stand to be contradicted! The least little objection drives him
crazy.
Old Gentleman: (to the Café Proprietor) You’re wrong, my friend.
Café Proprietor: (to the Old Gentleman) Well, excuse me!
Berenger:
(aside) He has a short fuse, it’s his only fault.
Grocer’s Wife: (to the Old Gentleman, the Café Proprietor, and the Grocer) Maybe they both
look the same.
Berenger:
(aside) Deep down he has a heart of gold, he’s done so many favors for me.
31
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Café Proprietor: (to the Grocer’s Wife) If the other can only have one, then the one has two.
Old Gentleman: Maybe it’s the one that has only one, and the other that has two.
Berenger:
(aside) I’m sorry I wasn’t more conciliatory, but why does he have to be so pigheaded? I didn’t mean to push him that far. (to the others)He always
exaggerates. He is always trying to show off how smart he is. He’d never admit
he could make a mistake.
Old Gentleman: (to Berenger)
Berenger:
Do you have proof?
About what?
Old Gentleman: What you just said, that caused such an argument with your friend.
Grocer: (to Berenger)
Yeah, do you have any proof?
Old Gentleman: (to Berenger) How do you know one of the rhinoceroses has two horns and the
other only one? And which one?
Grocer’s Wife: He doesn’t know any more than we do.
Berenger:
First of all, we don’t know if there were two of them. In fact, I think there was
only one rhinoceros.
Café Proprietor: Let’s say there were two. Which has one horn? The Asian rhinoceros?
Old Gentleman:
No. It’s the African rhinoceros that has two horns. At least I think so.
Café Proprietor:
Which has two horns?
Grocer:
Not the African one.
Grocer’s Wife: It’s not easy to agree on this.
Old Gentleman:
Logician:
I’m going to shed some light on the problem.
(emerging from his isolation) Gentlemen, excuse me for interrupting, but
that’s not the question. Let me introduce myself...
Grocer’s Wife: (coming out of the café in tears) He’s a logician!
Café Proprietor:
Oh! He’s a logician!
Old Gentleman: (introducing the Logician to Berenger) My friend, the Logician!
Berenger:
A pleasure, I’m sure.
Logician:
(continuing)
Professional Logician: here’s my card. (He shows his card)
32
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
I’m deeply honored.
Grocer:
We’re all deeply honored.
Café Proprietor:
Please tell us, Mr. Logician, does the African rhinoceros have one horn...
Old Gentleman:
...or two?
Grocer’s Wife: ...and does the Asiatic rhinoceros have two horns...
Grocer:
...or one.
Logician:
Just as I said, that’s not the question. Let me make myself clear.
Grocer:
But still, we’d really like to have an answer to that question.
Logician:
Let me speak, gentlemen!
Old Gentleman: Let him speak!
Grocer’s Wife: (to the Grocer) Let him speak!
Café Proprietor: We’re all listening!
Logician:
(to Berenger) What I say will be particularly addressed to you. And to
everybody else here, too.
Grocer:
To us, too...
Logician:
You see, in spite of yourselves, you got away from the problem that started the
debate. In the beginning, you were asking yourselves if the rhinoceros that just
went by is in fact the same one as before, or if it’s another one. That is the
question that must be answered.
Berenger:
How?
Logician:
In the following way: you might have seen the same rhinoceros with one horn
two times...
Grocer:
(repeating the words, as if to understand better) ...the same rhinoceros two
times...
Café Proprietor: (doing the same)
Logician:
...in the same manner you might have seen the same rhinoceros with two horns
two times.
Old Gentleman: (repeating the words)
Logician:
...with one horn...
...one rhinoceros with two horns, two times...
That’s it. You could have seen a first rhinoceros with one horn, then another,
also with one horn.
33
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Grocer’s Wife: (from window) Ha, ha!
Logician:
Café Proprietor:
Or also, a first rhinoceros with two horns, then a second rhinoceros with two
horns.
Exactly.
Logician:
Now: if you had seen...
Grocer:
If we had seen...
Old Gentleman:
Yes, if we had seen...
Logician:
If the first time you had seen a rhinoceros with two horns...
Café Proprietor:
...with two horns...
Logician:
...the second time, a rhinoceros with one horn...
Grocer:
...with one horn...
Logician:
...that would not be conclusive either.
Old Gentleman:
Not conclusive either.
Café Proprietor:
Why not?
Grocer’s Wife:
Ah... I don’t get it.
Grocer:
Yeah, yeah!
(The Grocer’s Wife, shrugging her shoulders, disappears from the window.)
Logician:
In fact, it’s possible, that the first rhinoceros lost one of its horns, and the one we
just saw was the same one we saw before.
Berenger:
I get it, but...
Old Gentleman: (interrupting Berenger) Don’t interrupt!
Logician:
It’s also possible that two rhinoceroses with two horns both lost one of their
horns.
Old Gentleman:
It’s possible.
Café Proprietor:
Yes, It’s possible.
Grocer:
Why not!
Berenger:
Yes. still...
Old Gentleman: (to Berenger)
Don’t interrupt!
34
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Logician:
If you could prove that the first time you saw a rhinoceros with one horn,
whether it was Asian or African...
Old Gentleman: ...Asian or African...
Logician:
...or the second time, a rhinoceros with two horns...
Old Gentleman: ...with two horns!
Logician:
...no matter whether it was African or Asian...
Grocer:
...African or Asian...
Logician:
...then we could conclude that we are dealing with two different rhinoceroses,
since it’s highly unlikely that a second horn could grow in just a few minutes...
Old Gentleman: ...it’s highly unlikely.
Logician:
(enchanted with his discourse) That would transform an Asian or an African
rhinoceros...
Old Gentleman: ...Asian or African...
Logician:
...into an African or an Asian rhinoceros.
Café Proprietor: African or Asiatic.
Grocer:
Uh... yeah.
Logician:
But good logic would not allow such a thing, since the same animal can’t be born
in two places at one time.
Old Gentleman:
Or even in succession.
Logician:
(to the Old Gentleman) Which I have just proved.
Berenger:
(to Logician)
Logician:
(to Berenger, with a knowledgeable smile)
sir, but now the problem is correctly posed.
Old Gentleman:
Logician:
Old Gentleman:
Grocer:
That seems clear to me, but that doesn’t answer the question.
Of course it doesn’t, my dear
That’s absolutely logical.
(raising his hat)
Good day, Gentleman. (he retires, going out left)
Good day, Gentlemen. (He raises his hat and follows the Logician out)
... Maybe it’s logical... (At this moment the Housewife comes out of the café in
deep mourning clothes, carrying a box; she is followed by Daisy and the
Waitress as if for a funeral. The procession moves toward the right exit.)
35
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Grocer:
(continuing)
Maybe its logical, but are we going to put up with our cats being
run over right before our eyes by rhinoceroses, whether they have one horn or
two, whether they’re African or Asian?
(He indicates with a theatrical gesture the procession which is just leaving.)
Café Proprietor:
He’s right! We won’t put up with our cats being run over by rhinoceroses
or anything else!
Grocer:
We won’t stand for it!
Grocer’s Wife: (sticking her head around the door, to the Grocer)
There’ll be customers coming!
Get back in here!
Grocer:
(moving to the shop)
Berenger:
I shouldn’t have argued with Jean! (to the Café Proprietor) Bring me a glass
ofwhiskey! A double.
Café Proprietor:
Berenger:
No, we won’t stand for it!
Coming up! (he goes to the café for the brandy)
(alone) I shouldn’t have gotten so angry, I just shouldn’t have gotten so angry!
(The Cafe Proprietor comes out carrying a large glass of whiskey)
I’m too sad to go to the museum. I’ll bring myself up to date some other time.
(He takes the glass of whiskey and drinks it)
Curtain
36
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Act II, Scene 1
(A government office, or the office of a private concern--such as a large firm of
law publications. Up-stage center, a large double door, above which a notice
reads: Department Head. Up-stage left, near the Department Head’s door,
stands Daisy’s little table with a typewriter. By the left wall, between a door
which leads to the staircase and Daisy’s table, stands another table on which the
time cards are placed, which the employees sign on arrival. The door leading to
the staircase is down-stage left. The top steps of the staircase can be seen, the
top of a banister and a small landing. In the foreground, a table with two chairs.
On the table: printing proofs, an inkwell, pens; this is the table where Botard
and Berenger work; Berenger will sit on the left chair, Botard on the right.
Near to the right wall, another bigger, rectangular table, also covered with
papers, proofs, etc.)
(Two more chairs stand at each end of this table--more elegant and imposing
chairs. This is the table of Dudard and Mr. Boeuf. Dudard will sit on the chair
next to the wall, the other employees facing him. He acts as deputy-head.
Between the up-stage door and the right wall, there is a window. If the theatre
has an orchestra pit it would be preferable to have simply a window frame in
front of the stage, facing the auditorium. In the right-hand corner, up-stage, a
coat rack, on which gray blouses or old coats are hung. The coat rack could also
be placed down-stage, near the right wall.)
(On the walls are rows of books and dusty documents. On the back wall, left,
above the shelves, there are signs: Jurisprudence, Codes; on the right-hand wall
which can be on a slight angle, the signs read: Policy Journals, Fiscal
Regulations. Above the Department Head’s door a clock reads three minutes
past nine.)
(When the curtain rises, Dudard is standing near his chair, his right profile to the
auditorium, on the other side of the desk is Botard, his left profile to the
audience; between them, also near to the desk, facing the auditorium, stands the
Head of the Department; Daisy is close to Papillon, a little up-stage of him. She
holds some sheets of typing paper. On the table around which the three
characters stand, a large open newspaper lies on the printing proofs.)
(When the curtain rises the characters remain fixed in position for a few seconds
during the first line of dialogue. They make a tableau vivant. The same effect
marks the beginning of the first act.)
(The Department Head, Papillon, is about fifty, very correctly dressed: dark
blue suit, a rosette of the Legion of Honor, starched collar, black tie, large brown
mustache.)
37
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(Dudard, thirty-five years old; gray suit; he wears black lustrine sleeves to
protect his coat. He may wear spectacles. He is a quite tall, young employee
with a future. If the Department Head became the Assistant Director he would
take his place; Botard does not like him. Botard: former schoolteacher; short,
he has a proud air, and wears a little white mustache; a brisk sixty year-old (he
knows everything, understands everything, judges everything). He wears a
Basque beret, and wears a long gray blouse during working hours; spectacles on
a longish nose; a pencil behind his ear; he also wears protective sleeves at
work. Daisy: young blond. Later, Mrs. Boeuf: a large woman of some fifty
years old, tearful, and breathless.)
(As the curtain rises, the characters are standing motionless around the table,
right; the Chief with index finger pointing to the newspaper; Dudard, with his
hand extended in Botard’s direction, seems to be saying : “so you see!” Botard,
hands in the pockets of his blouse, wears an incredulous smile and seems to say:
“You won’t take me in.” Daisy, with he typing paper in her hand seems, from
her look, to be supporting Dudard. After a few brief seconds, Botard starts the
attack. )
Botard:
Lies! All made-up stories.
Daisy:
I saw it, I saw the rhinoceros!
Dudard:
I read it in the newspaper, there’s no question, you can’t deny it.
Botard:
(with the deepest disdain)
Dudard:
It’s right there in black and white; in with the pet obituaries! Go ahead and read
it, Papillon!
Papillon:
“Yesterday, Sunday, in the town square, during rush hour, a cat was trampled to
death by a pachyderm.”
Daisy:
Well it wasn’t exactly in the town square.
Papillon:
That’s it, there’s no other information.
Botard:
Oh, come on!
Dudard:
What more do you want?
Botard:
I never believe what I read in the papers. Reporters are all liars, I know what I’m
talking about, I only believe what I see with my own eyes. Having been a school
teacher, I like precision, things with scientific proof, I have a methodical and
exacting mind.
Dudard:
What’s a methodical mind got to do with it?
Oh, come on!
38
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Daisy:
(to Botard)
The story seems very clear to me, Botard.
Botard:
You call that clear? Just look at this, what kind of pachyderm are we talking
about? What does the editor of the pet obituaries mean by a pachyderm? He
doesn’t say! And what does he mean by a cat?
Dudard:
Everybody knows what a cat is.
Botard:
Are we talking about a female cat, or a male cat? And what breed? What color?
I’m not a racist, in fact I’m against racism.
Papillon:
Botard, we’re not talking about that, what does racism have to do with it?
Botard:
I beg your pardon, sir. You can’t deny that racism is one of the great problems of
our time.
Dudard:
Of course, everybody knows that, but that’s not what we’re talking about...
Botard:
Dudard, it’s not something to be taken lightly. History has shown us that
racism...
Dudard:
I’m telling you, that’s not what we’re talking about.
Botard:
That’s not my impression.
Papillon:
Racism is not the issue.
Botard:
We should never miss a chance to condemn it.
Daisy:
But we’ve already said no one here is a racist. You’re missing the point: we’re
only talking about a poor cat being trampled by a pachyderm--in this case, a
rhinoceros.
Botard:
I’m not like you people, letting your imaginations run wild. It might have been a
flea crushed by a mouse. People make mountains out of molehills.
Papillon:
(to Dudard)
Let’s be clear about all this. You claim to have seen with your
very own eyes a rhinoceros roaming around the streets of our city?
Daisy:
It wasn’t roaming around, it was charging.
Dudard:
Actually, I didn’t see it. But people I trust...
Botard:
(interrupting him)
Don’t you see they’re just making it up? You believe
these reporters who’ll do anything to sell their despicable newspapers to
ingratiate themselves with their editors! You’ve been taken in by this. Dudard,
you,with a law degree! That’s really laughable! Ha, ha, ha!
Daisy:
But I saw it, I saw the rhinoceros. I’d swear on the Bible.
39
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Botard:
Oh, come on! I thought you had some common sense.
Daisy:
Mr. Botard, I wasn’t seeing things! And I wasn’t alone, there were people
around me who saw the same thing.
Botard:
Oh, come on! They were looking at something else!... A bunch of lazy goodfor-nothings! People who don’t even have a job!
Dudard:
It was yesterday, it was Sunday.
Botard:
Me, I work on Sunday! I don’t listen to preachers who try to get me into church,
and stop me from working and earning my living from the sweat of my brow!
Papillon:
(indignant)
Botard:
(to Papillon) Pardon me, I didn’t mean to offend you. Just because I detest
religion doesn’t mean I don’t hold it in the highest respect. (to Daisy) First of
all, can you tell me what a rhinoceros is?
Daisy:
It’s a... It’s an incredibly large animal, and nasty!
Botard:
And you claim to be a precise thinker! The rhinoceros...
Papillon:
You’re not going to give us a lecture on the rhinoceros. We’re not in school.
Botard:
That’s really too bad.
Oh!
(During the last few speeches, we’ve seen Berenger come up the last few steps
cautiously, half opening the office door, through which we see a sign reading
Legal Publications.)
Papillon:
(to Daisy)
Alright, it’s after nine o’clock, pull the timecards! Too bad
about the latecomers.
(Daisy goes towards the little table to the left, with the timecards, just as
Berenger comes in.)
Berenger:
(entering, while the others continue talking, to Daisy) Good morning, Daisy, I’m
not late, am I?
Botard:
(to Dudard and Papillon) I fight against ignorance wherever I find it!
Daisy:
(to Berenger) Berenger, hurry!
Botard:
Whether it’s in a mansion or a tenement!
Daisy:
(to Berenger)
Quick, punch your timecard!
Berenger:
Oh, thanks!
Is Papillon already here?
40
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Daisy:
(a finger on her lips) Sh-h! Yes, he’s here!
Berenger:
Already, so early? (He hurries to sign the time sheet)
Botard:
(continuing)
No matter where! Anywhere! Even in publishing houses!
Papillon:
(to Botard)
Botard, I think that...
Berenger:
(punching his card; to Daisy)
Papillon:
(to Botard)
I think you’re getting carried away.
Dudard:
(to Papillon)
I think so, too.
Papillon:
(to Botard) You’re not trying to tell me that your colleague Dudard, who has a
law degree and is an excellent employee, is an ignoramus.
Botard:
I wouldn’t go that far, but no university’s as good as the school of hard knocks!
Papillon:
(to Daisy)
So, how about those time cards.
Daisy:
(to Papillon)
Here they are!
Papillon:
(to Berenger)
Oh, Berenger is here!
Botard:
(to Dudard)
The problem with universities is their lack of any clear ideas, any
practical sense.
Dudard:
(to Botard) Oh, come on!
Berenger:
(to Papillon) Good morning, Papillon!
It’s not even ten after...
(Berenger speaks as he is moving behind Papillon’s back, around the group of
the three other characters, towards the coat rack, takes off his street coat and
puts on his work coat; he changes his coat by the coat rack, then makes his way
to his desk, from the drawer of which he takes out his black protective sleeves,
etc.)
Good morning, Papillon! Pardon me, I was almost late. Morning, Dudard!
Good morning, Botard!
Papillon:
Berenger, did you see a rhinoceros, too?
Botard:
(to Dudard)
Academics don’t know anything about life!
Dudard:
(to Botard)
Nonsense!
Berenger:
(still arranging his work materials, very quickly as if to excuse his tardiness, to
Papillon in a very natural tone of voice)
But of course I saw it!
41
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Botard:
(turning around)
Oh, sure!
Daisy:
See! I’m not crazy.
Botard:
(ironically)
Berenger only said that to be nice, a real knight in shining armor-even though he doesn’t exactly look like one.
Dudard:
It’s nice to say you saw a rhinoceros?
Botard:
Of course. When you’re trying to give credence to Daisy’s fantasies.
Everyone’s nice to Daisy. That’s perfectly understandable!
Papillon:
Don’t twist the facts, Botard. Berenger wasn’t even here for the argument. He
just got here.
Berenger:
(to Daisy)
Botard:
Oh, come on! Maybe Berenger thought he saw a rhinoceros. (Behind Berenger’s
back he indicates that he drinks) He’s got so much imagination, anything is
possible with him.
Berenger:
I wasn’t alone when I saw the rhinoceros! Or maybe there were two.
Botard:
He doesn’t even know how many he saw!
Berenger:
I was next to my friend Jean!... There were other people.
Botard:
(to Berenger)
Daisy:
It was a rhinoceros with one horn.
Botard:
Oh, come on! (Pfff!) They’re in it together, they’re trying to make fools of us!
Dudard:
(to Daisy)
Botard:
Get your stories straight!
Papillon:
(looking at the clock)
Botard:
Berenger, did you see one or two rhinoceroses?
Berenger:
Um-m... Uh-h... I mean...
Botard:
You don’t even know. Daisy saw a rhinoceros with one horn. And your
rhinoceros, Berenger, if there in fact was one, did it have one horn or two?
Berenger:
You see, that’s the real puzzle.
Botard:
None of this is very clear.
Daisy:
Oh!
Didn’t you see it? We saw it, didn’t we?
You’re babbling!
Actually from what I heard, it had two horns.
That’s it, everybody, it’s getting late!
42
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Botard:
I don’t mean to offend you, but I don’t believe your story for a minute. No one
has ever seen rhinoceroses around here!
Dudard:
There’s a first time for everything!
Botard:
No one has ever seen one around here! Except for the pictures in school-books!
Your rhinoceros only takes flight in the imaginations of silly women.
Berenger:
To say a rhinoceros takes flight seems a bit imprecise to me.
Dudard:
He’s right!
Botard:
(continuing)
Daisy:
A myth?
Papillon:
Gentlemen, it’s time to get to work.
Botard:
(to Daisy)
Dudard:
You can’t deny a cat was trampled to death.
Berenger:
I saw it with my own eyes.
Dudard:
(gesturing to Berenger) There were eye witnesses!
Botard:
Some eye witness.
Papillon:
People! People!
Botard:
(to Dudard)
Mass hysteria, Dudard, mass hysteria! It’s like religion, which
we know is the opiate of the people.
Daisy:
Well, I believe in flying saucers.
Botard:
Oh, come on!
Papillon:
(firmly) That’s enough! You’re really getting carried away. I don’t want to hear
any more. Rhinoceros or no rhinoceros, flying saucer or no flying saucer, we
have to get our work done! You’re not paid to talk about animals, real or
imaginary!
Botard:
Imaginary!
Dudard:
Real!
Daisy:
Very real!
Papillon:
Gentlemen, let me remind you: you’re at work. Enough of this useless
argument...
Your rhinoceros is a myth!
A myth! Just like flying saucers!
43
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Botard:
(wounded and ironic)
command.
Of course, Papillon, you’re the boss, your wish is our
Papillon:
Gentlemen, get a move on. I don’t want to have to dock your pay!
Where’s your brief on the anti-alcohol law?
Dudard:
I’m just finishing it up, Papillon.
Papillon:
As soon as you can, it’s urgent. Berenger and Botard, have you finished
correcting the proofs on the wine regulations?
Berenger:
Not yet, Papillon, but we’ve gotten a good start.
Papillon:
Finish them up together. The publishers waiting. You, Daisy, bring me the
letters I have to sign. Finish typing them up.
Daisy:
Understood, Papillon.
(Daisy goes to her little office, and typed on her little machine. Dudard sits at
his desk and starts to work. Berenger and Botard sit at their little tables in
profile to the public. Botard, his back to the door of the staircase, seems in a bad
mood. Berenger is passive and is distracted; he spreads the proofs on the table,
passes the manuscript to Botard; Botard sits down grumbling.)
Papillon:
I’ll be back shortly, gentlemen!
Berenger:
(reading and correcting with a pencil, while Botard works with a manuscript)
Regulations concerning cigarettes with “registered trademarks,”
“registered” with one “t,” (he corrects) “trademarks”... one word, not two... (he
corrects) “Domestic cigarettes with registered trademarks...”
Botard:
I don’t see that! You skipped a whole line.
Berenger:
I’ll start over. “Domestic cigarettes with registered trademarks...”
Dudard:
(to Berenger and Botard)
Botard:
(to Dudard, over Berenger's head, resuming the recent discussion, while
Berenger continues the corrections on his own for a few moments; he moves his
lips noiselessly as he reads)
It’s all a hoax!
Dudard:
What’s a hoax?
Botard:
Your rhinoceros story, of course. It’s your propaganda that started all these
rumors!
Dudard:
(interrupting his work) What propaganda?
Berenger:
(cutting in)
Please, not so loud! I can’t even think!
It’s not propaganda...
44
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Daisy:
(interrupting her typing)
I already told you I saw... I saw... We saw...
Dudard:
(to Botard)
Don’t make me laugh! Propaganda, for what cause?
Botard:
(to Dudard)
so naïve.
Aw, come on!... You know better than I do. Don’t pretend to be
Dudard:
(getting angry) In any case, Botard, there’s no conspiracy here.
Botard:
(red with anger, pounding his fist on the table) That’s an insult, I will not
permit you... (Botard rises)
Berenger:
(pleading)
Daisy:
(to Dudard, who has also risen) Dudard, please...
Botard:
I say it’s an insult.
Botard, please.
(Papillon opens suddenly, Botard and Dudard sit back down very quickly.
Papillon has the timecards in his hands. When he appears, everyone quickly
falls silent.)
Papillon:
Boeuf didn’t come in today?
Berenger:
(looking around)
Papillon:
Just when I needed him! (to Daisy) Did he call in sick or say he’d be late?
Daisy:
He didn’t say anything.
Papillon:
(opening his door wide, and coming in) If he does this again, I’m going to fire
him. It’s not the first time he’s done this to me. I’ve always pretended not to
notice, but no more... Does anybody have the key to his desk?
You’re right, he’s not here.
(Just at this moment Mrs. Boeuf makes her entrance. She had been seen, during
the preceding speech, coming up the last steps as quickly as she could and
abruptly opening the door. She is completely out of breath, terrified.)
Berenger:
Oh look, here’s Mrs. Boeuf!
Daisy:
Good morning, Mrs. Boeuf!
Mrs. Boeuf:
Good morning, Mr. Papillon! Good morning everyone!
Papillon:
And so, what’s up with your husband? What’s happened to him? Is it too much
trouble for him to come to work?
45
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Mrs. Boeuf:
(breathless) Please excuse my husband... He went to spend the weekend with his
family. He has a touch of the flu.
Papillon:
Ah! A touch of the flu!
Mrs. Boeuf:
(handing a piece of paper to Papillon) See, he says so in his fax. He hopes to be
back on Wednesday... (almost fainting) Get me a glass of water... and a chair...
(Berenger brings his own chair Center Stage, she collapses into it)
Papillon:
(to Daisy) Get her a glass of water!
Daisy:
Right away! (she takes her a glass of water and helps her to drink it during the
lines that follow)
Dudard:
(to Papillon) She must have a weak heart.
Papillon:
It’s a shame your husband’s not here, but that’s no reason to go to pieces like
this!
Mrs. Boeuf:
(with difficulty) It’s just that... It’s just that... A rhinoceros chased me all the way
here from my house...
Berenger:
Did it have one horn or two?
Botard:
(breaks out laughing) Don’t make me laugh!
Dudard:
(becoming indignant) Let her finish!
Mrs. Boeuf:
(making a great effort to be precise, and pointing in the direction of the stairway)
It’s there, downstairs, at the front door. It seems to want to come up the stairs.
(At the same moment, a noise is heard. We can see the staircase collapse under
what is obviously an incredible weight. An agonized trumpeting can be heard
from below. As the dust clears, the stairway landing is left suspended in midair.)
Daisy:
My god!...
Mrs. Boeuf:
(still sitting, her hand on her heart) Oh! Ah!
(Berenger rushes to her side, pats her cheeks and gives her something to drink)
Berenger:
Calm down!
(Meanwhile, Papillon, Dudard, and Botard run to Stage Left, jostling one
another as they open the door and find themselves covered in dust on the
landing; the trumpeting continues)
Daisy:
(to Mrs. Boeuf) Are you feeling better, Mrs. Boeuf?
46
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Papillon:
(on the landing) There it is. Downstairs! It is a rhinoceros!
Botard:
There’s nothing down there. You must be seeing things.
Dudard:
I’m not seeing things, look there, downstairs, it’s going around in circles.
Papillon:
Gentlemen, there is no doubt. It’s going around in circles.
Dudard:
It can’t get up here. There’s no stairway anymore.
Botard:
This is really bizarre. What does it all mean?
Dudard:
(turning to Berenger)
rhinoceros.
Berenger:
I’m coming.
Come and look. Come and have a look at your
(Berenger rushes in the direction of the landing, followed by Daisy, who leaves
Mrs. Boeuf)
Papillon:
(to Berenger)
Okay, mister rhinoceros expert, take a good look.
Berenger:
I’m not a rhinoceros expert...
Daisy:
Oh... Look how it’s going around in circles. It looks like its suffering... What
does it want?
Dudard:
It seems to be looking for somebody. (to Botard) Can you see it now?
Botard:
(vexed) As a matter of fact, I can.
Daisy:
(to Papillon) Maybe we’re all seeing things? Even you, too...?
Botard:
I never see things. But there’s something fishy going on down there.
Dudard:
(to Botard) What do you mean fishy?
Papillon:
(to Berenger) Actually it’s a rhinoceros. It’s the same one you saw before,
isn’t it? (to Daisy) And you, too?
Daisy:
It certainly is.
Berenger:
It has two horns, it’s an African rhinoceros, or maybe an Asian one. (in
frustration) Uh...! I can’t remember any more if an African rhinoceros has two
horns or one.
Papillon:
African or Asian, who cares? At least we’re finally rid of that staircase. When I
think how long I’ve been asking the company to replace that ramshackle old
thing with a new cement one.
Dudard:
Just last week I sent off a report, Papillon.
47
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Papillon:
It was bound to happen. I saw it coming. I was right.
Daisy:
(ironically to Papillon) As usual.
Berenger:
(to Dudard and Papillon) Now let’s see, is bihornity characteristic of the Asian
rhinoceros or the African one? Is unihornity characteristic of the one from Africa
or the one from Asia...
Daisy:
The poor creature, it just keeps on trumpeting and running around in circles.
What does it want? Oh, it’s looking at us. (to the rhinoceros) Kitty, kitty, kitty...
Dudard:
You’re not going to try to pet it, are you? It’s certainly not tame...
Papillon:
It’s out of reach anyway.
(The rhinoceros gives a horrible trumpeting)
Daisy:
Poor creature!
Berenger:
(continuing his conversation with Botard)
You know so much about so
many things, don’t you think that bihornity is...
Papillon:
You’re rambling, Berenger. You’re still a little woozy, Mr. Botard is right.
Botard:
How is it possible in a civilized country..
Daisy:
(to Botard) Ok! Ok! Still, does it or doesn’t it exist?
Botard:
It’s an infamous plot! (Like a political orator, he points to Dudard and fixes him
with a devastating gaze) It’s your fault.
Dudard:
Why my fault and not yours?
Botard:
(furious) My fault? It’s always the little people who get the blame. If it was up
to me...
Papillon:
This is a fine mess, and no staircase.
Daisy:
(to Botard and Dudard) Calm down, this is hardly the time, gentlemen!
Papillon:
It’s the company’s fault.
Daisy:
Maybe. But how are we going to get down?
Papillon:
(flirting and touching Daisy’s cheek) I’ll take you in my arms and we’ll jump
together!
Daisy:
(pushing Papillon’s hand away) Don’t touch me, you old pachyderm!
(NB: There will be a reference to this line in Act III, so it should stay as
pachyderm.)
48
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Papillon:
I was joking!
(Meanwhile the rhinoceros has continued its trumpeting. Mrs. Boeuf has gotten
up and joined the group. She stares attentively for several minutes at the
rhinoceros going around in circles; suddenly she lets out a terrible scream)
Mrs. Boeuf:
My god! Is it possible!
Berenger:
(to Mrs. Boeuf) What’s wrong?
Mrs. Boeuf:
It’s my husband! Boeuf, my poor Boeuf, what happened to you?
Daisy: (to Mrs. Boeuf) Are you sure?
Mrs. Boeuf:
I recognize him, I recognize him. (the rhinoceros answers with a violent yet
tender trumpeting)
Papillon:
That’s the last straw! This time he’s fired for good!
Dudard:
Does he have insurance?
Botard:
(aside) Now I understand everything...
Daisy:
How could you file a claim in a case like this?
Mrs. Boeuf:
(fainting in Berenger’s arms) Ah! My god!
Berenger:
Oh!
Daisy:
Carry her over there!
(Berenger, helped by Dudard and Daisy, drags Mrs. Boeuf to her chair and puts her in it)
Dudard:
(as they drag her) Don’t worry about it, Mrs. Boeuf.
Mrs. Boeuf:
Ah! Oh!
Daisy:
Everything will work out alright, maybe...
Papillon:
(to Dudard) What can be done from a legal point of view?
Dudard:
We’ll have to ask a lawyer.
Botard:
(following the procession, and raising his arms to heaven) This is total insanity!
What is the world coming to?!
(Everybody busies themselves around Mrs. Boeuf, patting her cheeks, she opens
her eyes, lets out an “Ah,” closes her eyes again, somebody pats her cheeks
again while Botard speaks)
49
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
In any case, you can be sure that I will tell my union everything. I won’t
abandon a comrade in need. Everybody’s going to hear about this!
Mrs. Boeuf:
(coming around) My poor darling, I can’t leave him like this, my poor darling.
(trumpeting is heard) He’s calling me. (Tenderly) He’s calling me.
Daisy:
Are you feeling better, Mrs. Boeuf?
Dudard:
She’s coming around.
Botard:
(to Mrs. Boeuf) You can count on the local chapter’s support. Would you like to
join our union?
Papillon:
We’re going to fall behind schedule again. Daisy, the mail!...
Daisy:
First we have to figure out how to get out of here.
Papillon:
That’s a problem. Through the window.
(They all move towards the window, except Mrs. Boeuf, splayed out in her chair,
and Botard, who remains Center Stage)
Botard:
I know who’s behind this.
Daisy:
(at the window)
Berenger:
Maybe we should call the firemen to come with their ladders!
Papillon:
Miss Daisy, go to my office and call the firemen.
It’s too high.
(Papillon acts as though he will follow her)
Daisy:
(Exits upstage. We hear her take the phone off the hook and say: “Hello, hello,
firemen?” the muffled sounds of a telephone conversation.)
Mrs. Boeuf:
(suddenly gets up) I can’t leave him like this, I can’t leave him like this!
Papillon:
If you want a divorce... now you have good reason.
Dudard:
He would certainly be found in the wrong.
Mrs. Boeuf:
No! The poor thing! I couldn’t leave him at a time like this, especially in his
condition!
Botard:
You’re a good wife.
Dudard:
(to Mrs. Boeuf) But what are you going to do? (Running towards Stage Left, Mrs.
Boeuf approaches the landing)
Berenger:
Watch out!
50
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Mrs. Boeuf:
I can’t leave him! I can’t leave him!
Dudard:
Hold her back!
Mrs. Boeuf:
I’m taking him home!
Papillon:
What does she want to do?
Mrs. Boeuf:
(getting ready to jump; on the edge of the landing)
I’m coming!
Berenger:
She’s going to jump.
Botard:
It’s her duty.
Dudard:
She can’t do that.
I’m coming, my darling,
(Everybody, except Daisy, who is still on the telephone, are near Mrs. Boeuf on
the landing; Mrs. Boeuf jumps; Berenger, who nonetheless tries to hold her back,
is left with her skirt in his hands)
Berenger:
I couldn’t stop her.
Voice of Mrs. Boeuf: (the rhinoceros trumpets tenderly from below) Here I am, my darling!
Here I am!
Dudard:
She’s landed on him, and she’s riding him bareback!
Botard:
What an amazon!
Voice of Mrs. Boeuf:
Dudard:
Home, darling, let’s go!
They’re off at a gallop!
(Dudard, Botard, Berenger, and Papillon come back on-stage and go to the
window)
Berenger:
They’re really moving.
Dudard:
(to Papillon) Have you ever done any horseback riding?
Papillon:
A long time ago... A little bit... (turning towards the US door, to Dudard) Hasn’t
she finished phoning yet?
Berenger:
(following the movement of the rhinoceros)
can’t even see them anymore.
Daisy:
(coming on-stage) I had trouble getting hold of the firemen.
They’re already far away, you
51
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Botard:
(as if concluding an interior monologue) What a mess!
Daisy:
...I had trouble getting hold of the fireman.
Papillon:
Are there a lot of fires today?
Berenger:
I agree with Botard. Mrs. Boeuf’s attitude is really touching. What a
compassionate soul.
Papillon:
I’ve lost an employee that I have to replace.
Berenger:
Can’t we find something useful for him to do?
Daisy:
No, there aren’t any fires, they’ve gone out after more rhinoceroses.
Berenger:
More rhinoceroses?
Dudard:
What? More rhinoceroses?
Daisy:
Yes, more rhinoceroses. They’ve been spotted all over town. This morning there
were seven of them, now there are seventeen.
Botard:
What did I tell you!
Daisy:
(continuing)
Some people say there might be as many as thirty-two. It’s not
official yet, but it seems pretty sure.
Botard:
(less convinced) Oh, come on! You’re exaggerating!
Papillon:
Are they coming to get us out of here?
Berenger:
I’m starving!...
Daisy:
Yes, they’re coming. The firemen are on their way.
Papillon:
And your work!
Dudard:
I think it’s out of our control.
Papillon:
You’re going to have to make up your lost time.
Dudard:
So, Botard, do you still deny the rhinocerotic evidence?
Botard:
Our union will fight your firing Boeuf without notice!
Papillon:
It’s not my decision, there’ll be an investigation.
Botard:
(to Dudard)
denied it.
Dudard:
That’s not what you said before.
No, Dudard, I do not deny the rhinocerotic evidence. I never
52
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Daisy:
That’s right, that’s not what you said before.
Botard:
I repeat: I never denied it. I just wanted to know how far this would go. But I
know what’s going on. I’m not simply a passive observer. I understand the
situation, and I’m going to explain it. At least, I could explain it if...
Dudard:
So go ahead, explain it to us.
Daisy:
Explain it, Mr. Botard.
Papillon:
Explain it to your co-workers.
Botard:
I’ll explain it to you...
Dudard:
We’re listening.
Daisy:
I’m really curious.
Botard:
I’ll explain it to you... One of these days...
Dudard:
Why not right away?
Botard:
(menacingly; to Papillon) You’re the one that owes me an explanation. (to
everybody) I know what’s been going on, I know what’s behind all this.
Daisy:
What do you mean behind all this?
Berenger:
What do you mean behind all this?
Dudard:
I’d really like to know what you mean by “behind all this.”
Botard:
(continuing; with an ominous air)
I know the names of all those
responsible. The names of the traitors. I’m nobody’s fool. You’ll soon know
the whys and the wherefores of this provocation. I’ll unmask the instigators.
Berenger:
But who’d want to...
Dudard:
(to Botard)
Papillon:
Let’s not ramble.
Botard:
Me? I’m rambling?
Daisy:
Just a little while ago, you were accusing us of having hallucinations.
Botard:
A while ago, yes--now those hallucinations have become a provocation.
Dudard:
In your opinion, how did that happen?
Botard:
It’s an open secret, gentlemen. Even a child could see it. Only hypocrites would
pretend they can’t understand.
You’re rambling, Botard.
53
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(The sound of a fire truck and its siren arriving. We hear the brakes, as it stops
abruptly under the window.)
Daisy:
Firemen!
Botard:
Things will have to change! I won’t let this happen!
Dudard:
There’s no hidden meaning to any of this, Botard. The rhinoceroses exist, that’s
it. It doesn’t mean anything else.
Daisy:
(at the window, looking down) Come through here, Mr. Fireman!
(A lot of moving around is heard from below, and noises of the fire truck.)
Voice of the Fireman:
Put the ladder up!
Botard:
(to Dudard)
I have the solution to everything, an infallible system of
interpretation!
Papillon:
You still have to come back to the office this afternoon.
(We see the firemen’s ladder being positioned against the window. )
Botard:
Business will have to wait, Papillon.
Papillon:
What’s the Board going to say?
Dudard:
These are exceptional circumstances.
Botard:
(pointing to the window)
You don’t expect us to come back up on that
ladder. We’ll have to wait for them to repair the staircase.
Dudard:
If somebody breaks a leg, that could be trouble for the Board.
Papillon:
You’re right!
(First we see the hat of a fireman, then the fireman himself. )
Berenger:
(to Daisy pointing to the window)
Fireman:
Come on, miss.
After you, Daisy!
(Fireman takes Daisy in his arms, climbs through the window, and disappears
with her. )
Dudard:
Good-bye, Daisy! See you soon!
Daisy:
(disappearing) Bye, everybody!
Papillon:
(at window)
Call me tomorrow morning, Daisy! We’ll work at my house
tomorrow! (To Berenger) Berenger, please note that we’re not on vacation.
54
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
We’ll get back to work as soon as possible. (To the other two) Did you hear me,
gentlemen?
Dudard:
Of course, Papillon.
Botard:
They’d love to suck us dry.
Fireman:
(reappearing at window)
Papillon:
(to all three of them)
Dudard:
After you, Papillon.
Berenger:
After you, boss.
Botard:
Of course, management first!
Papillon:
(to Berenger)
the table.
Who’s next?
Go ahead!
Bring me the correspondence Daisy was working on. There, on
(Berenger goes to get the mail and brings it to Papillon. )
Fireman:
Come on, hurry up! We don’t have any time to waste! There are other calls!
Botard:
What did I tell you?
Papillon:
(the mail under his arm, climbs through the window; to the Fireman) Be careful
with the files. (Turning to the others) Good-bye, gentlemen. (He exits)
Dudard:
Good-bye, Papillon!
Berenger:
Good-bye, Papillon!
Voice of Papillon:
(he has disappeared, we hear him say) Careful with those files! Dudard,
lock up the office!
Dudard:
(shouting) Don’t worry, Papillon! (to Botard) After you, Botard.
Botard:
Gentlemen, I’m leaving. I’m going to get in touch with the proper authorities
right away! I’m going to shed some light on this phony mystery! (He moves to
window)
Dudard:
(to Botard)
Botard:
(climbing out the window) Keep your sarcasm to yourself. I’m going to show
you the documented proof of your crime!
Dudard:
That’s absurd...
Botard:
Your insults...
I thought you had it all figured out already.
55
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Dudard:
(interrupting him)
Botard:
(disappearing) Who needs insults, when I’ve got proof!
Voice of Fireman:
You’re the one who’s insulting me...
Come on, come on...
Dudard:
(to Berenger)
What are you doing this afternoon? We could have a drink.
Berenger:
Sorry, I want to take the afternoon to see my friend Jean. I want to make up with
him. We had an argument, it was my fault.
Fireman:
(head reappears in window)
Come on, come on!
Berenger:
(pointing to the window)
After you!
Dudard:
(to Berenger)
After you!
Berenger:
(to Dudard)
Oh please, after you!
Dudard:
(to Berenger)
Berenger:
(to Dudard)
Fireman:
Come on, hurry up!
Dudard:
(to Berenger)
After you, after you!
Berenger:
(to Dudard)
After you, after you!
Not at all, after you!
I insist, after you, after you!
(They climb through the window at the same time. The Fireman helps them to
climb down as the curtain falls.)
Curtain.
56
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Act Two, Scene 2
(Jean’s house. The layout is roughly the same as Act Two, Scene One. That is to
say, the stage is divided in two. To the right occupying three-quarters or fourfifths of the stage, according to size, is Jean’s bedroom. Up-stage, a chair or an
armchair, on which Berenger will sit. Right center, door leading to Jean’s
bathroom. When Jean goes in to wash, the noise of a tap is heard, and that of the
shower. To the left of the room, a partition divides the stage in two. Centerstage, the door leading to the stairs. If a less realistic, more abstract décor is
preferred, the door may be placed without a partition. To the left is the
staircase; the top steps are visible, leading to Jean’s flat, the banister and the
landing. At the back, on the landing level, is the door to the neighbor’s flat.
Lower down, at the back, there is a glass door, over which is written:
Concierge.)
(When the curtain rises, Jean is in bed, lying under the blanket, his back to the
audience. One hears him cough. After a few moments Berenger is seen,
climbing the top steps of the staircase. He knocks at the door, Jean does not
answer. Berenger knocks again.)
Berenger:
Jean! (he knocks again) Jean!
(The door at the end of the landing opens slightly, and a little old man with a
white goatee appears.)
Old Man:
What is it?
Berenger:
I’ve come to see Jean, my friend Jean.
Old Man:
I thought it was for me. My name is Jean, too... So you want the other one.
Voice of Old Man's Wife:
(from within the room) Is it for us?
Old Man:
(turning to his wife who is not seen)
Berenger:
(knocking)
Old Man:
I didn’t see him leave. I saw him last night. He wasn’t in a good mood.
Berenger:
I know why, it’s my fault.
Old Man:
Maybe he doesn’t want to open the door. Try again.
Voice of Old Man' Wife:
It’s for the other one.
Jean!
Jean!
Stop your gossiping, Jean!
Berenger:
(knocking) Jean!
Old Man:
(to his wife) Just a second! Boy, oh boy.
57
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(He closes the door and disappears)
Jean:
(still lying down, his back to the audience, in a hoarse voice) What is it?
Berenger:
I’ve come to see you, Jean.
Jean:
Who’s there?
Berenger:
It’s me, Berenger. Am I disturbing you?
Jean:
Oh, it’s you? Come in.
Berenger:
(trying to open the door)
Jean:
Just a second. Boy, oh boy.
The door is locked.
(Jean gets up, in fact in a pretty bad mood. He is wearing green pajamas, his
hair is sticking out all over)
Just a second.
(He unlocks the door.)
Just a second.
(He into bed again, under the covers like before.)
Come in!
Berenger:
(entering)
Hello, Jean.
Jean:
(in bed) What time is it? Why aren’t you at the office?
Berenger:
You’re still in bed? You’re not at the office? I’m sorry, maybe I’m bothering
you.
Jean:
(still with his back turned) It’s strange, I didn’t recognize your voice.
Berenger:
Me either, I didn’t recognize your voice.
Jean:
(still with his back turned)
Berenger:
Are you sick? (Jean replies with a groan) You know, Jean, it was really silly
of me to get angry with you over such a stupid thing.
Jean:
What stupid thing?
Berenger:
Yesterday...
Jean:
When yesterday? Where yesterday?
Berenger:
Have you forgotten about the rhinoceros, that stupid rhinoceros?
Have a seat.
58
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Jean:
What rhinoceros?
Berenger:
The rhinoceros, or if you prefer, those two stupid rhinoceroses we saw.
Jean:
Oh, yeah, I remember... Who told you those two rhinoceroses were stupid?
Berenger:
I didn’t mean it literally.
Jean:
Okay, let’s just forget it.
Berenger:
That’s very nice of you.
Jean:
And so?
Berenger:
I still want to say that I’m really sorry I was so insistent... so stubborn... so
angry... yeah... what I want to say is... what I mean is... I was stupid.
Jean:
Doesn’t surprise me coming from you.
Berenger:
I’m sorry.
Jean:
I don’t feel very good. (he coughs)
Berenger:
That’s probably why you’re in bed. (changing his tone) You know, Jean, we
were both right.
Jean:
About what?
Berenger:
About... what we were just talking about. I’m sorry to bring it up again, I won’t
go on too long about it. I just want to tell you that each one of us, in our own
way, was right. Now there’s proof. There are all kinds of rhinoceroses running
around.
Jean:
I told you so! Well, that’s just too bad!
Berenger:
Yes, that is too bad.
Jean:
Or maybe it’s not so bad, depends on your point of view.
Berenger:
(continuing)
Where these come from or where those come from, or where
those come from or these come from, it’s just not that important. All that counts
is that they exist and they’re here, because...
Jean:
(turning around and sitting up on his unmade bed, facing Berenger)
feel very good, I don’t feel very good!
Berenger:
I’m really sorry. What’s wrong?
Jean:
I’m not really sure. I just feel bad all over.
Berenger:
Do you feel weak?
59
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
I don’t
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Jean:
Not at all. In fact, I’m full of energy.
Berenger:
I mean... a temporary weakness. That can happen to anybody.
Jean:
Never to me.
Berenger:
Maybe you’re too healthy, then. Sometimes too much energy is not a good thing.
It upsets your nervous system.
Jean:
My nerves are fine. (His voice is getting more and more hoarse) I’m perfectly
sound in mind and body. In my family...
Berenger:
Of course, of course. Maybe you just got a chill. Do you have a fever?
Jean:
I don’t know. Yes, maybe a slight fever. My head hurts.
Berenger:
A little migraine. I’ll go now, if you want.
Jean:
Stay. You’re not bothering me.
Berenger:
You’re hoarse, too.
Jean:
Hoarse?
Berenger:
A little hoarse, yes. That’s why I didn’t recognize your voice.
Jean:
Why would I be hoarse? My voice hasn’t changed, but yours has.
Berenger:
Mine?
Jean:
Why not?
Berenger:
Maybe, I hadn’t noticed.
Jean:
You never notice anything. (putting his hand to his forehead) To be more
precise, it’s my forehead that hurts. I must have bumped it someplace. (His
voice is even hoarser)
Berenger:
When did you bump it?
Jean:
I don’t know. I don’t remember.
Berenger:
You would’ve felt it.
Jean:
Maybe I bumped it while I was sleeping.
Berenger:
A bump like would wake you up. You must have dreamed that you bumped it.
Jean:
I never dream.
60
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
(continuing)
You must have gotten a headache while you were sleeping, and
forgotten your dream. Or maybe, you only remember subconsciously.
Jean:
Me, subconsciously? I am master of my thoughts! I never get side-tracked. I
always move straight ahead!
Berenger:
I know. I haven’t expressed myself well.
Jean:
Get to the point. Spare me any of your unpleasant remarks.
Berenger:
When their head hurts, people often assume they’ve bumped it.
(coming closer to Jean)
If you really did bang it, you’d have a bump.
(looking at Jean)
Hey, yeah, you do have one.
Jean:
A bump?
Berenger:
A really little one.
Jean:
Where?
Berenger:
(gesturing to Jean's forehead) It’s just above your nose.
Jean:
I absolutely do not have a bump! There have never been any bumps in my
family!
Berenger:
Do you have a mirror?
Jean:
What about that? (Feeling his forehead)
Maybe so. I’m going to have a look in the bathroom.
(He gets up abruptly and goes to the bathroom. Berenger follows him with his
eyes. Then from the bathroom)
It’s true, I have a bump!
(He comes back; his skin has become greener)
So you see, I did bump myself!
Berenger:
You don’t look so good. Your complexion is greenish.
Jean:
You love to say unpleasant things to me. Have you taken a look at yourself?
Berenger:
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
61
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Jean:
(very put out)
You could’ve fooled me.
Berenger:
You’re breathing very heavily. Does your throat hurt? (Jean goes and sits on his
bed again.) Maybe you have a sore throat?
Jean:
Why would I have a sore throat?
Berenger:
I’m not putting you down. I’ve had a sore throat more than once. Let me take
your pulse. (He gets up and goes to take Jean's pulse)
Jean:
(in an even hoarser voice) Don’t bother.
Berenger:
Your pulse is completely normal. Don’t be frightened.
Jean:
I’m not at all frightened, why should I be?
Berenger:
You’re right. A few days of rest and it’ll all be over.
Jean:
I don’t have time to rest. I have to get something to eat.
Berenger:
It must not be too bad if you’re hungry. But you really should rest for a few
days. That would be smarter. Have you called a doctor?
Jean:
I don't need a doctor.
Berenger:
You really should call a doctor.
Jean:
Don’t bother calling a doctor, because I don’t want to see a doctor! I’ll take care
of myself!
Berenger:
You’re wrong not to have faith in doctors.
Jean:
Doctors invent illnesses that don’t even exist.
Berenger:
They do it with the best of intentions--it’s for the pleasure of taking care of
people.
Jean:
They invent illnesses! They invent illnesses!
Berenger:
Maybe they do invent them, but then they find a cure for them.
Jean:
I only trust veterinarians.
Berenger:
(who has let go of Jean's wrist, now takes again) Your veins seem to be swelling
up, they’re sticking out.
Jean:
It’s a sign of strength.
Berenger:
Of course, it’s a sign of health and strength. Still... (he looks more closely at
Jean's forearm, in spite of Jean pulling it away)
62
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Jean:
Why are you examining me like I’m some kind of strange animal?
Berenger:
Your skin...
Jean:
What’s my skin to you? Do I worry about your skin?
Berenger:
It’s like... Yes, it’s as if it’s changing color right before my eyes. Its turning
green. (He reaches to take Jean's hand again) It’s getting tougher, too.
Jean:
(withdrawing his hand again)
you? You’re annoying me.
Berenger:
(to himself) Maybe it’s even worse than I thought. (To Jean) We have to call
the doctor. (He moves to the telephone)
Jean:
Don’t touch that phone!
Don’t touch me like that. What’s gotten into
(He rushes toward Berenger and pushes him away. Berenger staggers.)
Keep your nose out of my business.
Berenger:
Okay, okay. It was for your own good.
Jean:
(coughing and panting heavily) I know my own good better than you do!
Berenger:
You’re having trouble breathing.
Jean:
I’ll breathe anyway I want. You don’t like my breathing, well I don’t like yours
either. Your breathing is weak, I can’t even hear you, it’s like you’re going to
die any second.
Berenger:
I’m certainly not as strong as you are.
Jean:
What if I called the doctor to make you like me ? Everybody should do as they
please.
Berenger:
Don’t get mad at me, you know I’m your friend.
Jean:
There’s no such thing as friendship. You’re not my friend!
Berenger:
You’re hurting my feelings.
Jean:
That’s your problem.
Berenger:
Jean, you’re my friend...
Jean:
I am not your friend...
Berenger:
You really hate the whole world today, don’t you?
63
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Jean:
Yes, I hate the whole world, and all the people in it! I hate people!
Berenger:
You must still be angry with me about our silly quarrel yesterday. I admit it was
my fault. And that’s why I came to ask your forgiveness.
Jean:
What quarrel are you talking about?
Berenger:
We were just talking about it! You know, the rhinoceros.
Jean:
(without listening to Berenger) Truth is, I don’t hate people, I just don’t give a
shit about them--in fact, they disgust me. But they’d better not get in my way, or
I’ll run right over them.
Berenger:
You know, I’ll never stand in your way.
Jean:
I have a goal. I’m charging towards it.
Berenger:
I don’t doubt you for a minute, but I still think you’re going through a moral
crisis.
(For a little while now, Jean has been pacing from one wall to the other like an
animal in a cage. Berenger studies him, moves out of his way from time to time,
and Jean’s voice steadily becomes more and more hoarse.)
Calm down! Don’t get yourself so worked up!
Jean:
I was beginning to feel uncomfortable in my clothes. Now even my pajamas
bother me. (He unbuttons and rebuttons his pajama top.)
Berenger:
My God! What’s happening to your skin?!
Jean:
That again?! It’s my skin, and I certainly wouldn’t trade it for yours!
Berenger:
It’s like leather!
Jean:
It’s tougher that way. I don’t have to worry about bad weather.
Berenger:
You’re getting greener and greener.
Jean:
You’re obsessed with colors today! You’re seeing things, you’ve been drinking
again.
Berenger:
I drank yesterday, but not today.
Jean:
It’s not just one day, it’s a whole life of drinking.
Berenger:
I promised you I’d change my ways... I listen to advice from friends like you.
It’s not humiliating to me, quite the opposite.
Jean:
I don’t give a damn. Br-r-r...
64
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
What did you say?
Jean:
I didn’t say anything. I went br-r-r... I like to do that.
Berenger:
(looking Jean straight in the eyes)
He became a rhinoceros.
Jean:
What happened to Boeuf?
Berenger:
He became a rhinoceros.
Jean:
(fanning himself with his pajama top)
Berenger:
Come on, don’t kid around.
Jean:
I can make any sound I want, I have the right... this is my house.
Berenger:
I can’t argue with that.
Jean:
That wouldn’t be a good idea anyway. I’m hot, I’m burning up. Br-r-r... Just a
second. I’m going to cool myself off.
Berenger:
(While Jean rushes to the bathroom)
Do you know what happened to Boeuf?
Br-r-r...
It’s his fever.
Voice of Jean: (puffing and over the sound of a running tap)
Berenger:
Br-r-r...
He’s got chills. No matter what he says, I’m calling the doctor.
(He goes to the telephone again then comes back quickly when he hears Jean's
voice)
Voice of Jean: And so, our friend Boeuf became a rhinoceros. Ah, ah, ah... He’s playing a joke
on you. He just dressed up like one.
(He sticks his head round the half-open bathroom door, he is very green. The
bump over his nose is a little bigger.)
He just put on a costume.
Berenger:
(pacing about the room, without looking at Jean) I tell you, it seemed real to me.
Jean:
That’s his business.
Berenger:
(turns towards Jean, who disappears into the bathroom) He certainly didn’t do it
on purpose. He had no control over the change.
Voice of Jean: How would you know?
Berenger:
There was every indication.
Voice of Jean: And what if he did it on purpose? Huh, what if he did it on purpose?
65
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
That would surprise me. At least Mrs. Boeuf didn’t seem to know anything
about it.
Voice of Jean: (whose voice is very hoarse)
an idiot!
Ah, ah, ah!
That fat old Mrs. Boeuf? What
Berenger:
Whether she’s an idiot or not...
Jean:
(enters quickly, takes off his pajama top, and throws it on the bed, while
Berenger turns his back discretely. Jean, whose chest and back are green, goes
back into the bathroom. Speaks the following lines while walking in and out of
the bathroom)
Boeuf never told his wife what he was up to.
Berenger:
You’re wrong, Jean. It’s just the opposite, they’re a very close couple.
Jean:
Close? How can you be sure? Hum, hum. Br-r-r...
Berenger:
(heading towards the bathroom, where Jean slams the door in his face) Very
close. The proof is...
Voice of Jean: (from within)
secret.
Boeuf had a life of his own. Deep in his heart there was a hidden
Berenger:
I shouldn’t make you talk, it seems to be bad for you.
Jean:
Just the opposite, it makes me feel good.
Berenger:
All the same, I’m begging you, let me call the doctor.
Voice of Jean: I absolutely forbid it. I don’t like stubborn people.
(Jean enter the room. Berenger backs, rather frightened because Jean is even
more green and speaks with great difficulty. His voice is not recognizable)
And so, whether he wanted to became a rhinoceros or not, in the end he’s better
off.
Berenger:
What are you saying, Jean? How can you possibly think...
Jean:
You see the worst in everything. He was happy to become a rhinoceros, he’s
happy now, what’s so incredible about that?
Berenger:
There’s nothing incredible about that, but I still doubt that he’s all that happy.
Jean:
And why not?
Berenger:
I can’t really explain. I just feel it.
66
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Jean:
I’m telling you, it’s not that bad. After all, they’re just like us, a rhinoceros has
as much right to live as we do.
Berenger:
As long as they don’t destroy us. Do you realize the difference in our way of
thinking?
Jean:
(pacing up and down the room, going in and out of the bathroom) Do you think
ours is better than theirs?
Berenger:
All the same, we have values that are incompatible with an animal’s.
Jean:
Values? You talk about values. Enough, to hell with them! We have to get
beyond morality.
Berenger:
What would you put in its place?
Jean:
(still pacing)
Berenger:
Nature?
Jean:
(still pacing)
Berenger:
If I understand, you want to replace morality with the law of the jungle.
Jean:
That’s where I’m going to live!
Berenger:
You can say that, but deep down, nobody...
Jean:
(interrupting him, still pacing up and down) We have to remake the foundations
of our life, get back to a basic integrity.
Berenger:
I don’t agree with you at all.
Jean:
(huffing loudly) I want to breathe.
Berenger:
Look, think about it. You know perfectly well, we live by a philosophy-animals don’t. We have a system of values that can’t be replaced. It’s taken
centuries of human civilization to construct it!...
Jean:
(still in the bathroom)
Berenger:
I can’t take you seriously. You’re joking, you’re being poetic.
Nature!
Nature has its laws. Morality is unnatural.
Let’s destroy all of it, we’ll be better off.
Jean: Br-r-r... (he almost trumpets)
Berenger:
I didn’t know you were a poet.
Jean:
(coming out of the bathroom)
Br-r-r... (He trumpets again)
67
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
I know you too well to think that’s what you really believe. You know as well as
I do, people...
Jean:
(interrupting him)
Berenger:
I mean human beings, humanism...
Jean:
Humanism is dead! You’re a sentimental fool. (He goes into the bathroom)
Berenger:
But all the same, the soul, the spirit...
People... Don’t ever say that word again!
Voice of Jean: Clichés! It’s all nonsense!
Berenger:
Nonsense!
Voice of Jean: (in a very hoarse voice, difficult to understand) Absolutely!
Berenger:
I’m astonished to hear you say that, Jean! Are you losing your head? Really,
would you like to be a rhinoceros?
Jean:
Why not! I’m not prejudiced like you.
Berenger:
Speak more clearly, I can’t understand you. You’re slurring your words.
Voice of Jean: Open your ears!
Berenger:
What!
Voice of Jean: Open your ears! I said why not be a rhinoceros! I like change.
Berenger:
To hear someone like you say that...
(Berenger stops himself because Jean has made a frightening appearance, in
fact, Jean has become completely green. The bump on his forehead has almost
become a rhinoceros horn.)
Oh, it really does look like you’re losing your head!
(Jean rushes towards the bed, throws the covers on the floor, speaks some
furious and incomprehensible words and makes some unheard of sounds. )
Don’t go wild, calm down! I don’t even know who you are anymore!
Jean:
(hardly understandable) Hot... too hot. Destroy all this, clothes, they itch,
clothes, they itch... (He drops his pajama bottoms)
Berenger:
What are you doing? That’s not like you! You’re normally so modest!
Jean:
The swamp! The swamp!...
68
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
Look at me! Can’t you see me anymore? Don’t you hear what I’m saying?
Jean:
I can hear you perfectly well! I can see you perfectly well! (He lunges toward
Berenger, head down. Berenger gets out of the way.)
Berenger:
Careful!
Jean:
(breathing heavily) Sorry! (He runs as fast as he can into the bathroom.)
Berenger:
(makes as if to escape by the door left, then comes back and goes into the
bathroom after Jean, saying)
I just can’t leave him like this, he’s my friend.
(From the bathroom)
I’m going to call the doctor! I’ve got to, believe me!
Voice of Jean: (from the bathroom) No!
Voice of Berenger:
Yes! Calm down, Jean! You’re being ridiculous. Oh, I can see your
horn getting longer!... You’re a rhinoceros!
Voice of Jean: I’m going to trample you, I’m going to trample you!
(Loud noises in the bathroom. Trumpeting, sound of objects and a mirror that
falls and breaks, Berenger appears, frightened out of his wits, and closes the
bathroom door with great difficulty, in spite of the resistance we can perceive.)
Berenger:
(pushing on the door)
He’s a rhinoceros, he’s a rhinoceros!
(Berenger is able to close the door, and his jacket has been pierced by a horn. At
the same time that Berenger closes the door, the horn of the rhinoceros pierces it.
The door is shaking under the continual pressure of the animal, and the noises
from the bathroom continue, we hear trumpeting mixed with words we can
hardly make out, such as: I’m furious, son of a bitch, etc. Berenger rushes
towards the door to the right.)
I would never have believed this of him!
(He opens the door onto the stairway, and knocks at the neighbors door
repeatedly.)
There’s a rhinoceros in the building, call the police!
(the door opens)
Old Man:
(sticking his head out) What’s wrong?
Berenger:
Call the police! There’s a rhinoceros in the building!
69
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Voice of the Old Man's Wife:
What is it, Jean? Why are you making all that racket?
Old Man:
(to his wife)
I don’t know what he’s talking about. He saw a rhinoceros.
Berenger:
Yes, in the building. Call the police!
Old Man:
What are you bothering us for? That’s no way to act!
(he shuts the door in his face)
Berenger:
(rushing down the stairs)
Concierge! Concierge! There’s a rhinoceros in the building, call the police!
Concierge!
(The top part of the concierge's door is seen to open; the head of a rhinoceros
appears.)
Another one!
(Berenger goes quickly back up the stairway, he wants to go back into Jean’s
room, he hesitates, then goes back to the Old Man’s door. At that moment the
Old Man’s door open, and we see two little rhinoceros heads.)
My god! My god!
(Berenger goes back into Jean’s room where the bathroom door is still shaking.
He goes to the window, which is represented simply by the frame, facing the
audience. He is exhausted, almost fainting; he murmurs.)
My god, oh my god!
(He makes a gigantic effort to get astride the window [that is, toward the
audience] but gets back down again quickly, for at the same time, crossing the
orchestra pit at great speed, move a large number of rhinoceros heads in line.
Berenger gets back quickly, looks out the window for a moment.)
There’s a whole herd of them in the street now! An army of rhinoceroses,
charging down the street!
(He looks all around )
How am I going to get out of here, how am I going to get out of here?!... If only
they would stay in the middle of the street! They’re all over the sidewalks. How
am I going to get out of here?!
(Panicking, he goes from door to door and to the window, while the bathroom
door continues to shake, and Jean continues to trumpet and scream
incomprehensible insults. This continues for some little time, whenever Berenger
70
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
in his disordered attempts to flee reaches the Old People’s door or the stairway,
he’s greeted by rhinoceros heads which trumpet and make him retreat. He goes
to the window for the last time and looks out.)
A whole herd of rhinoceroses! And they always said it was a solitary animal!
That’s not true! We have to rethink that idea! They’ve wrecked all the benches.
(He wrings his hands.)
What should I do?!
(He goes again to the various exits, the sight of the rhinoceroses stop him. When
he get back to the bathroom door, it seems about to give way. Berenger throws
himself against the back wall, which gives way; the street is visible in the
background, he flees screaming.)
Rhinoceros! Rhinoceros!
(Noises. The bathroom door is about to give way.)
Curtain
71
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Act Three
(The arrangement is roughly the same as in the previous scene. It is Berenger’s
room, which bears a striking resemblance to that of Jean. Only certain details,
one or two extra pieces of furniture, reveal that it is a different room. Staircase
to the left, and landing. Door at the end of the landing. There is no porter’s
lodge. Up-stage is a couch.)
(An armchair, and a little table with a telephone. Perhaps an extra telephone,
and a chair. Window up-stage. A window frame in the foreground.)
(Berenger is lying on his couch, his back to the audience. He is lying fully
dressed. His head is bandaged. He seems to be having a bad dream, and
writhes in his sleep.)
Berenger:
No. (Pause) The horns! Watch out for the horns! (Pause)
(The noise of a considerable number of rhinoceroses is heard passing under the
up-stage window.)
No!
(He falls to the floor still fighting with what he has seen in his dream and wakes
up. He puts his hand to his head with an apprehensive air, them moves to the
mirror and lifts his bandage as the noises fade away. He heaves a sigh of relief
when he sees he has no bump. He hesitates, goes to the couch, lies down. and
instantly gets up again. He goes to the table where he picks up a bottle of brandy
and a glass, and is about to pour himself a drink. Then after a short internal
struggle he replaces the bottle and glass.)
All it takes is willpower, willpower!
(He wants to go back to his couch, but the rhinoceroses are heard again under
the up-stage window. He puts his hand to his heart.)
Oh!
(He moves toward the up-stage window, looks out for a moment, then, visibly
upset, closes the window. The noises stop; he goes to the little table, hesitates a
moment, then with a gesture of "Oh, what the hell!" he pours himself a large
glass of brandy which he downs in one gulp. He puts the bottle and glass back in
place. He coughs. His cough seems to worry him; he coughs again and listens
hard to the sound. He looks at himself again in the mirror, coughing, then opens
the window; the panting of the animals becomes louder; he coughs again.)
No, it's not the same!
72
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(He calms down, shuts the window, feels the bandage on his forehead, goes to his
couch, and seems to fall asleep.)
(Dudard is seen mounting the top stairs; he gets to the landing and knock on
Berenger's doo. )
Berenger:
(startled)
What’s that!
Dudard:
I’ve come to see you Berenger. I’ve come to see you.
Berenger:
Who’s there?
Dudard:
It’s me, it’s me.
Berenger:
Who, me?
Dudard.
Me, Dudard.
Berenger:
Oh, it’s you. Come in!
Dudard:
Am I disturbing you? (He tries to open the door.) The door is locked.
Berenger:
Just a second. Ah, ah... (He opens the door. Dudard enters.)
Dudard:
Hello, Berenger.
Berenger:
Hello, Dudard. What time is it?
Dudard:
So you’re still here, barricaded in your room. Do you feel better?
Berenger:
Forgive me, I didn’t recognize your voice. (Goes to open the window.) Yes, yes,
I feel a little bit better, I hope.
Dudard:
My voice hasn’t changed. I didn’t have any trouble recognizing yours.
Berenger:
Forgive me, it seemed to me... In fact, your voice is exactly the same. My voice
hasn’t changed either, has it?
Dudard:
Why would it have changed?
Berenger:
Isn’t it a little... a little hoarse?
Dudard:
Not at all.
Berenger:
Good. That’s reassuring.
Dudard:
What’s the matter with you?
Berenger:
I don’t know, you never know. A voice can change. It happens.
Dudard:
Do you have a cold, too?
73
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
I really hope not... I hope not, but have a seat, Dudard. Make yourself
comfortable. Take the armchair.
Dudard:
(sitting in the armchair) You still don’t feel well? Does your head still hurt?
(He gestures to Berenger's bandage)
Berenger:
Yes, I still have a headache. But I don’t have a bump. I didn’t run into
anything... Right?
(He pulls up the bandage in order to show his forehead to Dudard)
Dudard:
No, you don’t have a bump. I don’t see one.
Berenger:
I hope I’ll never have one. Never.
Dudard:
If you don’t run into things, how would you get one?
Berenger:
If you really don’t want to bump into things, then you don’t.
Dudard:
Obviously. All you have to do is be careful. So what’s wrong with you? You’re
nervous, agitated. It must be because of your migraine. Don’t move around, it’ll
hurt less.
Berenger:
A migraine? Don’t talk to me about migraines. Just don’t!
Dudard:
It’s understandable that you’d have a migraine, after what you’ve gone through.
Berenger:
I’ve had a tough time getting over it.
Dudard:
So it’s not surprising your head hurts.
Berenger:
(rushing to the mirror, lifting his bandage) No, there’s nothing... You know, it
always starts like this.
Dudard:
What starts like this?
Berenger:
...I’m afraid of becoming somebody else.
Dudard:
Calm down, just sit still, pacing up and down like that is only going to make you
more nervous.
Berenger:
Yes, you’re right. I’ve got to keep calm. (He goes to sit down.) You know, I
can’t get over it.
Dudard:
Yes, I know.
Berenger:
Yes, of course there’s Jean, but there’s all the others, too.
Dudard:
I know what a shock it must have been.
Berenger:
You can say that again.
74
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Dudard:
No use making such a big of a deal of it, there’s no reason for you to...
Berenger:
You just don’t have any idea. Jean was my best friend. This complete
transformation right in front of my eyes, his anger!
Dudard:
Okay. You were disappointed. Don’t dwell on it.
Berenger:
How can I not think about it? This warm human being, a defender of humane
values. Who could believe it--him, him! We’ve known each other since...
forever! I never suspected this could happen to him. I trusted him more than
myself!... To do this to me, to me.
Dudard:
I’m sure he didn’t do it just to get back at you!
Berenger:
It certainly seemed like it. If you had seen the state he was in... the expression on
his face.
Dudard:
It’s only because you happened to be there. It would have been the same no
matter who was there.
Berenger:
Given all the time we’ve spent together, he could have restrained himself a little
in front of me.
Dudard:
What an ego, you think everything that happens is because of you. You’re not
the center of the universe.
Berenger:
Maybe you’re right, I’ve got to get a grip. Just that it happened unnerves me. I
can’t deal with it. How can you explain it?
Dudard:
For the moment, I can’t find a satisfactory explanation. I observe the facts, and
then I file them away. It happened, there has to be an explanation for it. Freaks
of nature, bizarre occurences, eccentricities, a cosmic joke, who knows?
Berenger:
Jean was a proud man. Me, I have no ambition. I’m happy with who I am.
Dudard:
Maybe he liked clean air, the country, open spaces... Maybe he needed to relax.
I’m not saying this to excuse his behavior.
Berenger:
I understand what you’re saying, at least I’m trying to. But still, even if people
accuse me of not being a good sport, or of being a petty bourgeois, trapped in my
own little universe, I wouldn’t change.
Dudard:
Nobody is going to change. Why are you so worried about a few cases of
rhinoceritis? Maybe it’s just a sickness.
Berenger:
That’s just it, I’m afraid it might be contagious.
Dudard:
No way. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Jean’s case is not typical,
you just said he was too full of himself. In my opinion, and I’m sorry to say bad
75
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
things about your friend, he was overly excitable, a little bit wild, a real eccentric.
Don’t dwell on the exception, think about the average person.
Berenger:
I’m beginning to understand. You see, you don’t understand what’s going on.
But you just gave me a plausible explanation. Yes, to have gotten into such a
state, he must have had a crisis. Some sort of temporary insanity... And yet, he
seemed reasonable, he seemed to have thought about his decision for a long
time... but Boeuf, Boeuf, was he crazy too?... And the others, the others?...
Dudard:
There’s still the possibility of an epidemic. Like the flu. There are epidemics all
the time.
Berenger:
But never like this one. What if it came from Africa?
Dudard:
In any case, you can’t think that Boeuf and the others did what they did or
became what they became just to get at you. Why go to so much trouble?
Berenger:
What you’re saying makes sense, it’s reassuring... Or maybe on the other hand,
that makes it even worse?
(Rhinoceroses are heard, galloping under the up-stage window.)
Did you hear that? (He rushes to the window.)
Dudard:
Leave them alone!
(Berenger closes the window)
What are they doing to bother you? They’ve become a real obsession for you.
That’s not good. You’re suffering from nervous exhaustion. You’ve had a
trauma, understood! Why risk another one? Just try and get yourself back on
your feet.
Berenger:
I wonder if I’m immune?
Dudard:
In any case, it’s not fatal. Some illnesses are good for you. I’m sure this is
something you can cure if you want to. It’ll pass with time.
Berenger:
But it must leave some aftereffects! Such a physical imbalance must leave...
Dudard:
It’s only temporary, don’t let it bother you.
Berenger:
Are you sure of that?
Dudard:
That’s what I believe...
Berenger:
But if you really don’t want to catch this illness, and it’s a nervous illness, you
just won’t catch it!... Would you like a glass of whiskey?
(He goes to the table where there’s a bottle.)
76
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Dudard:
Don’t bother, I don’t want any, thanks. But go ahead if you want some. Don’t
hold back on my account. But be careful, you’ll have an even worse headache
afterwards.
Berenger:
Alcohol is good for fighting epidemics. It immunizes you. For example, it kills
cold germs.
Dudard:
Maybe it doesn’t kill the germs of every single illness, we don’t know its effects
on rhinoceritis yet.
Berenger:
Jean never drank alcohol. He just pretended to. Maybe that’s why... Maybe that
explains his attitude. (He hands Dudard a full glass.) Are you sure you don’t
want any?
Dudard:
No, thanks, never before lunch.
(Berenger empties his glass, continues holding it in his hand, together with the
bottle; he coughs.)
You see, you see, you can’t take it. It makes you cough.
Berenger:
(concerned) Yes, it makes me cough. How did I cough?
Dudard:
Like everybody else when they drink something that’s a little too strong.
Berenger:
(going to put the glass and bottle down on the table) Was it a strange cough?
Was it a real human cough?
Dudard:
What are you getting at, it was a human cough. What other kind of cough could
it be?
Berenger:
I don’t know... an animal cough maybe. Does a rhinoceros cough?
Dudard:
You’re being ridiculous, Berenger! You’re your own worst enemy! You ask
yourself the weirdest questions... Remember you yourself said willpower is the
best defense.
Berenger:
Yes, that’s right.
Dudard:
Okay, then, prove that you have some.
Berenger:
Believe me, I’ve got plenty...
Dudard:
Prove it to yourself. Don’t drink any more whiskey... You’ll feel more confident.
Berenger:
You just refuse to understand what I’m saying. I’ll say it again, the only reason
I’m drinking is because it immunizes me. It’s a calculated decision. When
there’s no more epidemic, I’ll stop. I’d already decided that before all this
happened. I’ve only put it off temporarily.
77
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Dudard:
You’re just making excuses for yourself.
Berenger:
You think so?... In any case, it has nothing to do with what’s going on.
Dudard:
You never know.
Berenger:
(terrified)
alcoholic.
Do you really think so? You think it’s a first step?! I’m not an
(He moves toward the mirror and looks at himself)
It could be...
(He puts his hand to his face, and feels the bandage)
Nothing’s changed, it didn’t do me any harm, that proves it’s doing me some
good... or at least won’t hurt me any.
Dudard:
Come on, Berenger, I was kidding. You always think the worst--watch out,
you’re becoming neurotic. You’ll see, you’ll feel better once you’ve gotten over
your depression and you can go out and get some fresh air. Your dark thoughts
will just vanish.
Berenger:
Go out outside? I’ll have to, one of these days. The thought scares me.
I’m sure to run into...
Dudard:
So what? Just stay out of their way. There aren’t that many of them anyway.
Berenger:
But they’re all I see. You’re going to say I’m morbid.
Dudard:
They’re not aggressive. If you leave them alone, they don’t pay any attention to
you. Deep down, they’re not hostile. They even have a certain natural
innocence, a sort of openness. I came all the way here on foot. See, I’m safe and
sound, no problem at all!
Berenger:
Just the sight of them upsets me. It’s a nervous thing. It doesn’t make me angry,
no it’s not right to get angry, you never know what it will lead to, I avoid it. But
it really gets to me, here! (He points to his heart.) I feel like I can’t breathe!
Dudard:
To a certain degree, it’s natural that it should effect you, but this is too much.
Your problem is you have no sense of humor. Don’t take everything so
seriously, lighten up!
Berenger:
Everything that happens effects me. I’m part of it, I can’t be indifferent.
Dudard:
Judge not, lest you be judged. If we worry about everything that happens, life
becomes impossible.
78
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
If this had happened someplace else, in another country, and we read about it in
the newspaper, we could calmly discuss it, study the question from every angle,
and come to objective conclusions. We could organize academic discussions,
we’d bring in scientists, writers, lawyers, feminists, artists. The man on the
street, too--that would be interesting, fascinating, instructive. But when you’re
right in the middle of it, when you’re suddenly faced with the brutal reality, you
can’t help but feel directly implicated, the shock is too violent to stay cool and
calm. I’m surprised, I never expected it! I can’t get over it!
Dudard:
I was surprised, too--just like you, but no more. I’ve already started getting used
to it.
Berenger:
You’re not as susceptible as I am. I’m happy for you. But don’t you think that
it’s unfortunate...
Dudard:
(interrupting him)
I’m not saying it’s a good thing. And don’t think I’m on
the side of the rhinoceroses...
(Again the sounds of rhinoceroses going by, this time under the down-stage
window-frame)
Berenger:
(with a start) There they are again! There they are again! Ah, no! I can’t help
it, I just can’t get used to them. Maybe it’s my fault, in spite of myself I’m so
obsessed with them that I can’t sleep, I doze during the day when I can’t keep my
eyes open any more.
Dudard:
Take some sleeping pills.
Berenger:
That won’t help. When I sleep it’s even worse. I dream about them. I have
nightmares.
Dudard:
That’s what comes of taking things too seriously. You love to torture yourself,
admit it!
Berenger:
I swear I’m not a masochist.
Dudard:
So face the facts and get over it. That’s just the way it is.
Berenger:
You’re being fatalistic!
Dudard:
I’m being philosophical. When something like this happens, there’s got to be a
reason. That’s what we have to figure out.
Berenger:
(getting up)
Dudard:
What can you do? What are you thinking about doing?
I don’t want to accept what’s going on.
79
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
Right now, I don’t know. I’ll think about it. I’ll write letters to the newspapers,
I’ll write manifestos, I’ll ask the mayor for a meeting, or his assistant if the
mayor is too busy.
Dudard:
Let the authorities take care of it themselves. I wonder if you have the moral
right to get involved. And I still think it’s not that serious. I think it’s absurd to
get worked up about a few people who wanted to change their skin. It made
them uncomfortable. This is a free country. It’s their business.
Berenger:
We have to root out this evil.
Dudard:
Evil, evil! Empty words! Evil? Good? How can you tell them apart? Obviously,
everybody has personal preferences. You’re worried about yourself... that’s all.
But you’ll never become a rhinoceros, ever... You don’t have the calling.
Berenger:
You see! If everybody thinks like you, nothing’ll get done about it.
Dudard:
You certainly don’t want to ask for foreign intervention? This is a domestic
matter, only the France is concerned.
Berenger:
I believe in international solidarity...
Dudard:
You’re a Don Quixote! I don’t mean that negatively, I don’t mean to offend you.
It’s for your own good, you know, you really need to calm down.
Berenger:
You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m too worked up. But I’ll change. I’m sorry to bore
you with my ramblings. You must have work to do. Did you get my request for
sick leave?
Dudard:
Don’t worry about that. It’s all in order. Besides the office is still closed.
Berenger:
They haven’t fixed the staircase yet? What negligence! That’s why everything is
such a mess.
Dudard:
They’re fixing it now. But it’s slow going. It’s not easy to find workers. You hire
them, they come and work for a day or two, and then they quit. They just
disappear. Then you have to go looking for replacements.
Berenger:
And people complain about unemployment! I hope they’re at least putting in a
cement one.
Dudard:
No, it’s wood again, but it’s new wood this time.
Berenger:
It’s always the same old story in business. Companies throw money around like it
was going out of style but when it’s for something really useful they claim they
can’t afford it. I bet Mr. Papillon’s not very happy. That cement staircase meant a
lot to him. What does he say about it?
Dudard:
Mr. Papillon is no longer in charge. He resigned.
80
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
Impossible!
Dudard:
I’m telling you, he did.
Berenger:
That’s astounds me!... Because of the staircase?
Dudard:
I don’t think so. In any case, that’s not the reason he gave.
Berenger:
Why, then? What came over him?
Dudard:
He wants to retire to the country.
Berenger:
He’s retiring? But he’s not old enough, he could still become president.
Dudard:
He gave up on that. He said he needed to relax.
Berenger:
The board must regret his leaving, they’ll have to replace him. That’s good for
you, with your degrees, this is your chance.
Dudard:
Since I don’t want to keep anything from you... It’s kind of funny, he turned into
a rhinoceros.
(Far off sounds of rhinoceroses)
Berenger:
A rhinoceros? Mr. Papillon turned into a rhinoceros? Imagine that! Imagine
that!... I don’t think that’s so funny! Why didn’t you tell me that before?
Dudard:
See what I told you, you have no sense of humor. I didn’t want to tell you...
because, knowing you like I do, I knew you wouldn’t think it was very funny.
You’re so impressionable, I knew it would upset you.
Berenger:
(lifting his arms to heaven)
Oh, lord! Oh, lord!... Mr. Papillon, Mr.
Papillon!... And he had such a good job.
Dudard:
That proves his transformation was sincere.
Berenger:
He couldn’t have done it on purpose. It must have been against his will.
Dudard:
What do we know? It’s hard to know why people do what they do.
Berenger:
It was an unconscious reflex. He had hidden complexes. He should have gone
into analysis.
Dudard:
Even if it was a transference, that would be revealing. To each his own
sublimation.
Berenger:
I’m sure he got pulled into it.
Dudard:
It can happen to anybody.
81
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
(alarmed)
either.
To anybody? No, not to you, right? Not to you! Not to me,
Dudard:
I hope not.
Berenger:
Since we don’t want... Isn’t that right... Isn’t that right... Answer me! Isn’t that
right? Isn’t that right?
Dudard:
Of course, of course.
Berenger:
(calming down a bit) I thought Mr. Papillon would’ve put up more of a fight.
I thought he had a little more character!... Especially since I can’t figure out
what’s in it for him financially or personally.
Dudard:
It was obviously a disinterested gesture.
Berenger:
That much is certain. Is that an attenuating circumstance... or an aggravating
one? If it was just a matter of personal taste, that’s an aggravating circumstance.
I’m sure that Botard judged his behavior severely, what did he have to say about
it?
Dudard:
Poor Mr. Botard, he was beside himself. I’ve rarely seen someone so
exasperated.
Berenger:
Well, this time I agree with him. Ah, Botard is a good and sensible man! I really
misjudged him.
Dudard:
He misjudged you, too.
Berenger:
That shows how objective I am about all this business. You had a pretty bad
opinion of him yourself.
Dudard:
A bad opinion... that’s an understatement. I was hardly ever in agreement with
him, I found his skepticism, his incredulity, and his defensiveness annoying. I’m
not even in total agreement with him about this.
Berenger:
But this time for the opposite reasons.
Dudard:
No, not exactly. My reasoning and my judgment are a bit more nuanced that you
seem to think. It’s because, in fact, Botard had hardly any precise or objective
arguments. I’ll say it again: I don’t approve of the rhinoceroses either--no, not at
all, don’t even think it. But as usual, Botard’s attitude was too passionate, hence
too simplistic. His opinions are all based on hatred of authority. Hence his
inferiority complex and his resentment. And he talks in clichés, his platitudes
leave me cold.
Berenger:
Well, no offense, but this time I’m completely in agreement with Botard. He’s a
great guy. So there!
82
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Dudard:
I don’t deny it, but so what?
Berenger:
Yes, a great guy! They don’t make ‘em like that any more! A great guy with his
four feet firmly planted on the ground. Excuse me, I mean his two feet. I’m
happy to be in complete agreement with him. When I see him, I’m going to
congratulate him. I condemn Papillon, his duty was to resist.
Dudard:
You’re really intolerant. Maybe Papillon just felt like a rest after all his years of
sedentary living.
Berenger:
(ironically)
Dudard:
Berenger, we must always try to understand, and when you want to understand a
phenomenon and its effects, you have to get back to the primary causes through
honest intellectual effort. We have to try because we’re thinking beings. I
haven’t succeeded, and I don’t know if I will. In any case, you have to approach
this with a positive attitude, or at least with impartiality. An open mind is
essential for scientific research. Everything is logical. To understand is to
justify.
Berenger:
Next thing you know you’ll be a rhinoceros sympathizer!
udard:
No, of course not! I wouldn’t go that far. I’m just someone who’s trying to face
up to the facts with a clear eye. I’m just a realist. Nothing found in nature can be
evil. If you start looking for sin everywhere, you’ll become an inquisitor.
Berenger:
You think this is natural?
Dudard:
What could be more natural than a rhinoceros?
Berenger:
Yes, but a man who becomes a rhinoceros, that’s absolutely abnormal.
Dudard:
Oh, absolutely!... You know...
Berenger:
Yes, absolutely abnormal. Undeniably abnormal.
Dudard:
You seem awfully sure of yourself. Where do you draw the line between normal
and abnormal? Can you define those concepts... normality, abnormality?
Philosophers and doctors have never been able to resolve the problem. You
know that as well as I do.
Berenger:
Maybe it can’t be decided philosophically. But practically, it’s easy. Someone
proves that movement doesn’t exist, and yet we can walk, we do walk, I’m
walking!
And you, you’re too tolerant, too understanding!
(He starts walking from one end of the room to the other.)
Either we walk, or we say to ourselves, like Galileo: E pur si muove...
83
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Dudard:
You’re getting everything mixed up. In Galileo’s case, it was just the opposite,
theoretical and scientific thought won out over common sense and dogmatism.
Berenger:
(quite lost)
What the hell are you talking about? Common sense,
dogmatism... nothing but words, empty words. Maybe everything’s mixed up in
my head, but you’re losing yours! You can’t tell the difference between normal
and abnormal. Get off of me with your Galileo, I don’t give a shit about Galileo!
Dudard:
You’re the one who quoted him, you’re the one who raised the question by
arguing that practice should always have the last word! Maybe, as long as it’s
informed by theory. The entire history of philosophy and science proves that!
Berenger:
(more and more furious) It doesn’t prove anything at all! That’s gobbledygook!
It’s madness!!
Dudard:
Now we have to ask ourselves: what is madness?
Berenger:
Madness is madness--nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!
(the latter in a sing-song, sticking his tongue out like a child)
Madness, in a word, is madness--period! Everybody knows what madness is!
It’s madness! And the rhinoceroses, are they practice or theory?
Dudard:
Both!
Berenger:
What do you mean both?
Dudard:
Both the one and the other, or one or the other. It’s debatable!
Berenger:
If that’s the way it is, I refuse to think, period!
Dudard:
You’re getting too worked up. We don’t think exactly alike, but we can discuss
this calmly, we really should discuss it.
Berenger:
(completely agitated) You think I’m losing control? Oh god, I’m acting just
like Jean... No, no! I don’t want to become Jean. I don’t want to be like him.
(he calms down) I’m not good at philosophy. I didn’t go to college. You’ve got
degrees. That’s why you’re so much more comfortable in a discussion. I never
know what to say, I’m not any good with words.
(Louder rhinoceros sounds first from under the up-stage window and then from
the down-stage one.)
But I can just feel that you’re wrong... I feel it instinctively. Wait a minute...no, a
rhinoceros has instincts. I feel it intuitively. That’s the word, intuitively.
Dudard:
What do you mean by “intuitively”?
84
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
Intuitively, that means, you know... just like that! Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!
I feel, just like that, that your excessive tolerance, your indulgent generosity, are
in fact signs of weakness! Of blindness!
Dudard:
You’re just naïve enough to say that.
Berenger:
You’ll always be able to one up me. But listen, I’m going to find the Logician...
Dudard:
What logician?
Berenger:
The Logician. The philosopher... You know, the Logician... You know better
than me what a logician is! A logician I met who explained to me...
Dudard:
What did he explain to you?
Berenger:
He explained that Asian rhinoceroses are African, and that African ones are
Asian.
Dudard:
I’m having a hard time understanding you.
Berenger:
No, no... he proved the opposite, what I mean is, Africans are Asian, and
Asians... I know what I mean! That’s not what I meant to say. Anyway, you’ll
get it straight with him. He’s a lot like you, an intellectual, subtle and erudite.
(Increasing noises from the rhinoceroses. The words of the two men are
drowned by the animals passing under the windows; for a few moments the lips
of Dudard and Berenger are seen to move without any words being heard.)
Them again! God, it’ll never end. Enough! Enough!
(He runs to the up-stage window.)
Bastards!
(The rhinoceroses move away. Berenger shakes his fist after them.)
Dudard:
(seated) I’d really like to meet your logician. If he could clear up these fine
points, these obscure details... I couldn’t ask for anything more.
Berenger:
(as he runs to the down-stage window)
Yes, I’ll bring him to you! He’ll talk to you. You’ll see! He’s a very
distinguished person.
(To the rhinoceroses, from the window.)
Bastards!
(Shakes his fist as before.)
85
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Dudard:
Let them be! And be more polite! You don’t talk like that to creatures...
Berenger:
(still at the window) Here come some more!
(A boater pierced by a rhinoceros horn emerges from the orchestra pit under the
window and passes swiftly from left to right.)
A boater impaled on a rhinoceros horn! Oh, no!... It’s the Logician’s! It’s the
Logician’s boater! Shit, shit, shit!!! The Logician is a rhinoceros!
Dudard:
That’s no reason to be crude.
Berenger:
Who can you trust?! My god! Who can you trust?! The Logician... a
rhinoceros!
Dudard:
(going towards the window) Where is he?
Berenger:
(pointing)
Dudard:
He’s the only rhinoceros with a boater. Makes you think, doesn’t it? He really is
your logician.
Berenger:
The Logician... a rhinoceros!
Dudard:
Yes, but he’s still kept a bit of his old individuality!
Berenger:
(shakes his fist again at the straw-hatted rhinoceros, which has disappeared) I’ll
never become one of you! Never!
Dudard:
If he’s as original a thinker as you say, he wouldn’t have changed without good
reason. He must have weighed the pros and cons beforehand.
Berenger:
(still shouting after the ex-logician and the other rhinoceroses who have moved
away) I’ll never become one of you!
Dudard:
(settling into the armchair) Yes, that really makes you think.
Berenger:
(closes the down-stage window; goes to the up-stage window where other
rhinoceroses are passing, presumably making a tour of the house; he opens the
window and shouts)
There! That one! You see?
No, I’ll never become one of you!
Dudard:
(aside, in his armchair) They’re running all around the house. They’re playing.
Just like big babies!
(Daisy has been seen climbing the top stairs. She knocks on Berenger's door.
She is holding a shopping bag.)
Someone’s knocking, Berenger! There’s somebody at the door!
86
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(He takes Berenger, who is still at the window, by the sleeve.)
Berenger:
(shouting after the rhinoceroses)
shameful!
It’s shameful! Your masquerade is
Dudard:
Someone’s knocking at your door, Berenger! Can’t you hear?
Berenger:
Open the door if you want!
(He continues to watch the rhinoceroses whose noise is fading away.)
(Dudard goes to open the door.)
Daisy:
(coming in)
Hello, Dudard!
Dudard:
Oh, it’s you, Daisy!
Daisy:
Is Berenger in? Is he feeling better?
Dudard:
Hello, my dear! So you come here often?
Daisy:
Where is he?
Dudard:
(pointing)
Daisy:
Poor guy. He’s got no one. Plus he’s sick right now. He needs our help.
Dudard:
You’re a good friend, Daisy.
Daisy:
Yes, in fact, I am.
Dudard:
You have a heart of gold.
Daisy:
I’m a good friend, that’s all.
Berenger:
(turning, leaving the window open) Oh, dear Daisy! It’s so nice of you to come!
You’re a good friend!
Dudard:
Can’t deny that!
Berenger:
Guess what, Daisy, the Logician is a rhinoceros now.
Daisy:
I know, I just saw him in the street as I was coming in. He was running really
fast for someone his age. Are you feeling better, Berenger?
Berenger:
(to Daisy) My head, it’s still my head. My head hurts. It’s horrible! What do
you think about that?
Daisy:
I think you should rest... Stay home for a few more days and relax.
Dudard:
(to Berenger and Daisy) I hope I’m not in the way here.
There.
87
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
(to Daisy)
I was talking about the Logician...
Daisy:
(to Dudard)
Why would you be in the way? (to Berenger) Oh, the Logician!
I don’t have any opinion about that!
Dudard:
(to Daisy)
Daisy:
(to Berenger) Why should I worry about him? (To both) I have some news for
you too: Botard is a rhinoceros!
Dudard:
How about that!
Berenger:
That’s impossible! He was dead set against them! You’ve got to be wrong!
Dudard just told me he was dead set against them! Just now! Not two minutes
ago! Isn’t that right, Dudard?
Dudard:
That’s right!
Daisy:
I know he was against them. But even so, he became a rhinoceros. Twenty-four
hours after Mr. Papillon.
Dudard:
There you have it! He changed his mind! Everybody has the right to progress in
their thinking
Berenger:
Then anything can happen!
Dudard:
(to Berenger)
He’s a good man, from what you said just a few minutes ago.
Berenger:
(to Daisy)
I just can’t believe it! Somebody lied to you!
Daisy:
I saw it with my own eyes.
Berenger:
Then he’s the one who lied! He was just pretending!
Daisy:
He seemed sincere. He was sincerity itself.
Berenger:
Did he say why?
Daisy:
His exact words were: “We must move with the times.” Those were his last
human words.
Dudard:
(to Daisy)
Berenger:
Move with the times! What a stupid idea! (he makes a broad gesture)
Dudard:
(to Daisy)
Berenger:
(continuing, aside)
Daisy:
(to Dudard)
As they say, two’s company, three’s a crowd...
I was pretty sure I would run into you here, Daisy.
Impossible to find you anyplace else since the office closed.
What naïveté.
(makes the same gesture)
If you want to see me, all you have to do is pick up the phone.
88
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Dudard:
(to Daisy)
Oh, I’m too discrete. The soul of discretion.
Berenger:
Come to think of it, Botard’s change doesn’t really surprise me. His rectitude
was only a pose. Which doesn’t stop him from being... having been a good man.
Good men make good rhinoceroses! What a shame, it’s their goodness that does
them in.
Daisy:
Can I set this down? (she puts the bag on the table)
Berenger:
He was a good man, but he was filled with resentment.
Dudard:
(to Daisy, and hastening to help her with her bag) Pardon us, we should have
helped you with this earlier.
Berenger:
(continues)
complex.
Dudard:
(to Berenger) Your reasoning is all wrong, in fact, he followed the lead of his
boss. The “handmaiden of his oppressors”... that’s how he used to put it. It
seems to me that in his case community spirit won out over anarchistic impulses.
Berenger:
It’s the rhinoceroses who are the anarchists, since they’re in the minority.
Dudard:
For the time being at least.
Daisy:
It’s a large minority, and getting bigger all the time. My cousin became a
rhinoceros, and so did his wife. That’s not even counting the celebrities, Like the
Cardinal de Retz...
He was twisted with hate for his bosses; he had an inferiority
(NB: All of the people listed in this section are historical--writers and politicians
in 17th century France, the Classical Age.)
Dudard:
A priest?
Daisy:
Mazarin.
Dudard:
You’ll see, it’s going to spread to other countries.
Berenger:
And to think all this evil is coming from right here.
Daisy:
And aristocrats: the Duc de Saint Simon.
Berenger:
(with uplifted arms)
Daisy:
And others, too. A lot of other people. Maybe a fourth of the population!
Berenger:
We still outnumber them. We have to take advantage of that! We have to do
something before we’re overwhelmed.
Dudard:
They’re very efficient, very effective.
All our celebrities!
89
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Daisy:
For the time being, we should have some lunch. I brought something to eat.
Berenger:
You’re very sweet, Miss Daisy.
Dudard:
(aside) Yes, very sweet.
Berenger:
(to Daisy)
I don’t know how to thank you.
Daisy:
(to Dudard)
Would you like to join us?
Dudard:
I wouldn’t want to impose.
Daisy:
(to Dudard)
Dudard:
I really don’t want to be a bother.
Berenger:
(to Dudard) But of course, Dudard. It’s always a pleasure to have you.
Dudard:
Actually, I’m in a bit of a hurry. I have an appointment.
Berenger:
Just a while ago, you said you had all the time in the world.
Daisy:
(taking the groceries out of the bag)
You know, I had a hard time finding
things to eat, the stores are completely ransacked; they’re devouring everything.
A lot of other stores are closed, they all have little signs saying: “Transforming
Ourselves to Serve You Better!”
Berenger:
They should be rounded up, fenced in, and kept under watch.
Dudard:
That would be impossible. The S.P.C.A. would never allow it.
Daisy:
Besides, everybody has at least one relative or friend among them, which makes
everything even more complicated.
Berenger:
Everybody’s in on it then.
Dudard:
Yes, there’s a real feeling of solidarity.
Berenger:
But why would anyone want to be a rhinoceros? It’s unthinkable, just
unthinkable. (to Daisy) Can I help you set the table?
Daisy:
Don’t bother. I know where the plates are.
What are you talking about, Dudard? It would be a pleasure.
(she goes to the cupboard, from which she takes the plates.)
Dudard:
(aside) Oh! She really knows her way around the place.
Daisy:
(to Dudard)
you?
So I’ll set three places, right. You’re going to join us, aren’t
90
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
(to Dudard)
Stay, come on! Stay!
Daisy:
(to Berenger)
You get used to it, you know. No one’s surprised
anymore to see herds of rhinoceroses stampeding down the street. People just get
out of their way, then continue doing what they were doing like nothing
happened.
Dudard:
That’s the smart thing to do.
Berenger:
Uh-uh. Me, I’ll never get used to it.
Dudard:
(thoughtfully)
Daisy:
For the time being, let’s just eat!
Berenger:
How can you, a lawyer, even suggest that...
I wonder if it wouldn’t be worth a try?
(From the outside we hear the loud noise of a herd of rhinoceroses running very
rapidly. We also hear trumpets and drums.)
What’s going on?
(They all run towards the down-stage window.)
What is it?
(We hear the sound of a wall crumbling. Dust drifts in onto the stage. The
characters, if possible, should be lost in the cloud of dust so we only hear them
speaking.)
Berenger:
I can’t see anything at all! What’s going on?
Dudard:
We can’t see anything, but we can hear.
Berenger:
That’s not enough.
Daisy:
Now the plates will be all dusty!
Berenger:
That’s not very hygienic!
Daisy:
Come on let’s eat! Let’s not even think about any of this!
(the cloud of dust begins to settle)
Berenger:
(pointing into the auditorium) They’ve destroyed the walls of the fire station!
Dudard:
They sure have, there’s nothing left!
Daisy:
(who has moved away from the window to near the table, wiping a plate she has
in her hand, rushes next to Berenger and Dudard.)
91
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
They’re all coming out!
Berenger:
All the firemen, an entire regiment of rhinoceroses. Led by drummers!
Daisy:
They’re spilling out into the streets.
Berenger:
I can’t take this anymore, it’s gone too far.
Daisy:
Some more are coming out of the courtyards!
Berenger:
Out of all the houses!
Dudard:
Out of the windows, too!
Daisy:
They’re going to join up with the others!
(We see a man coming out of a door on the landing to the left, who runs down the
stairs; then another man with a big horn above his nose; then a woman with the
head of a rhinoceros.)
Dudard:
We’re already outnumbered!
Berenger:
How many have one horn, and how many have two?
Dudard:
The statisticians must be trying to figure it out right now. What a great
opportunity for some real academic debate.
Berenger:
The percentages can only be approximate. Those beasts are running too fast.
They can’t possibly have time to figure it out!
Daisy:
The most sensible thing is just to leave this work to the scientists. Come on,
Berenger, eat something! It’ll calm you down, it’ll make you feel better. (to
Dudard) And you, too.
(they move away from the window, Daisy takes Berenger’s arm and leads him to
the table. Dudard stops half way there.)
Dudard:
I’m not very hungry, or what I mean is, I don’t particularly like canned food. I
feel like having a picnic on the grass.
Berenger:
Don’t do that! You know what might happen.
Dudard:
I don’t want to be a bother, really.
Berenger:
We already told you that...
Dudard:
(interrupting Berenger) I really mean it.
Daisy:
(to Dudard) If you really want to leave, I can’t force you to...
Dudard:
I’m not doing it to offend you.
92
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
(to Daisy) Don’t let him leave, don’t let him leave!
Daisy:
I’d like it if he stayed... But to each his own.
Berenger:
(to Dudard) Man is superior to the rhinoceros!
Dudard:
I don’t dispute that. Nor do I agree with it. I don’t know! The proof is in the
pudding!
Berenger:
(to Dudard)
regret!
Daisy:
Yes, it’s just a fad. It’s not all that risky.
Dudard:
I have scruples, I have principles! My duty is to follow my superiors and my
comrades, for better or for worse!
Berenger:
You’re not married to them!
Dudard:
I’ve given up on marriage, I’ll take the great universal family over the small
nuclear one.
Daisy:
(apathetically) We’ll miss you a lot, Dudard, but we can’t do anything about it.
Dudard:
My duty is not to abandon them. I’m going to do my duty!
Berenger:
It’s just the opposite! You’re duty is to... You don’t know what your real duty
is... Your duty is to keep a clear head and to fight them any way you can!
Dudard:
I’m as lucid as can be! (he starts running around in circles on the stage) If
you’re going to be critical, it’s better to be on the inside than the outside. I won’t
abandon them, I won’t!
Daisy:
He has a heart of gold!
Berenger:
He’s too good! (to Dudard, then rushing towards the door) You’re too good,
that’s because you’re human! (to Daisy) Stop him! He’s making a mistake! He’s
a human being!
Daisy:
What can I do?
You’re a weakling, too, Dudard. It’s just a fad that you’ll
(Dudard opens the door and runs out. We see him running down the stairs
followed by Berenger, who yells at him from the top of the landing)
Berenger:
Come back, Dudard! You’re our friend! Don’t go! Too late! (goes back inside)
Too late!
Daisy:
We couldn’t do anything about it.
(she closes the door behind Berenger, who rushes to the down-stage window)
93
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
He’s joined them. I wonder where he is now?
Daisy:
(Coming to the window) With them.
Berenger:
Which one is he?
Daisy:
You can’t tell anymore. It’s already impossible to pick him out.
Berenger:
They’re all the same, they all look alike! (to Daisy) He cracked! You should
have forced him to stay!
Daisy:
I didn’t dare!
Berenger:
You should’ve been firmer with him, you should have insisted, he was in love
with you, wasn’t he?
Daisy:
He never said it in so many words.
Berenger:
Everybody knew it. Jealousy made him do this. He was timid. He went over the
edge trying to impress you. Aren’t you tempted to follow him?
Daisy:
Not at all, the proof is, I’m still here.
Berenger:
(Looking out the window)
They’re the only ones in the street now.
(he rushes towards the up-stage window)
There’s no one but them! You should have gone with him, Daisy.
(he looks out from the down-stage window again)
As far as the eye can see, not one single human being. They’ve taken over! Half
one-horned, half two-horned, no other distinguishing characteristics.
(Powerful noises of moving rhinoceroses are heard, but somehow it is a musical
sound. On the up-stage wall stylized heads appear and disappear; they become
more and more numerous from now on until the end of the play. Towards the
end they stay fixed for longer and longer, until eventually they fill the entire back
wall, remaining static. The heads, in spite of their monstrous appearance, seem
to become more and more beautiful.)
You’re not disappointed, are you, Daisy? You don’t regret your decision?
Daisy:
Oh... no, no.
Berenger:
I want so much to comfort you. I love you, Daisy, don’t ever leave me.
94
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Daisy:
Close the window, darling. They’re making too much noise. And they’re
kicking dust all the way up here. Everything’s going to get filthy.
Berenger:
Yes, yes. You’re right.
(He closes the down-stage window and Daisy closes the up-stage one. They
cross and meet at center stage)
As long as we’re together I’m not afraid of anything, I don’t care what happens.
Ah, Daisy, I thought I would never be able to fall in love with a woman again.
(he squeezes her hands and her arms)
Daisy:
You see, anything’s possible!
Berenger:
I want so much to make you happy. Can you be happy with me?
Daisy:
Why not? If you are, so am I. You say that you don’t fear anything, and yet
everything scares you. What could possibly happen to us?
Berenger:
(stammering) My love! My joy! My joy! My love! Kiss me! I never
dreamed I was still capable of so much passion!
Daisy:
Calm down. Try to be more self-confident now.
Berenger:
I am. Kiss me!
Daisy:
I’m very tired, darling. Calm down, relax, sit in the armchair.
(Berenger goes to sit in the armchair, led there by Daisy)
Berenger:
As it turned out, there wasn’t any need for Dudard to quarrel with Botard.
Daisy:
Stop thinking about Dudard. I’m right here next to you. We don’t have the right
to get involved in other people’s lives.
Berenger:
You’re certainly getting involved in mine. You know how to be firm with me.
Daisy:
It’s not the same, I never loved Dudard.
Berenger:
I understand that. If he had stayed here, he would have come between us
constantly. Happiness really makes you selfish!
Daisy:
We have to fight for our happiness.
Berenger:
I adore you, Daisy! I admire you!
Daisy:
When you get to know me better, maybe you won’t feel that way any more.
Berenger:
To know you is to love you, and you are so beautiful.
95
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(Again we hear the rhinoceroses passing)
Especially compared to those things!
(he gestures in the direction of the windows)
That might not sound like much of a compliment, but they bring out your beauty
even more!
Daisy:
Were you a good boy today? Did you have any whiskey?
Berenger:
Yes, I was very good!
Daisy:
Really?
Berenger:
Oh, yes, I promise!
Daisy:
Can I really believe you?
Berenger:
(a little embarrassed) Oh, yes, believe me, yes!
Daisy:
Then you may have a little drink. It’ll make you feel better.
(Berenger wants to rush for a drink)
Don’t get up my darling, where’s the bottle?
Berenger:
(indicating where the bottle is)
Over there on the little table.
Daisy:
(heading towards the little table where she’ll take the bottle and the glass)
You certainly hid it well.
Berenger:
So I wouldn’t be tempted.
Daisy:
(after having poured a small drink for Berenger, she hands it to him)
You’re really being good. You’re making progress.
Berenger:
With you I’ll make even more.
Daisy:
(handing him the glass) Here, it’s your reward.
Berenger:
(downs his drink in one swallow) Thanks!
(he holds out his glass for more)
Daisy:
Oh no, my darling. That’s enough for this morning.
(she takes Berenger’s glass and carries it and the bottle to the small table)
I don’t want you to get sick.
96
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(she comes back towards Berenger)
And how’s your head?
Berenger:
Much better, my love.
Daisy:
Then we’re going to take this bandage off. It doesn’t look good on you.
Berenger:
Oh no, don’t touch it!
Daisy:
Oh yes, we’re going to take it off!
Berenger:
I’m afraid there might be something under it!
Daisy:
(taking off the bandage in spite of Berenger’s objections) Such silly little fears,
such morbid little thoughts. You see, nothing there! Your forehead is as smooth
as a baby’s.
Berenger:
(his forehead touching) It’s true! You’ve freed me from all my insecurities.
(Daisy kisses Berenger on his forehead)
What would I be without you?
Daisy:
You’ll never be alone again.
Berenger:
With you by my side, all my worries are gone.
Daisy:
I’ll keep them away.
Berenger:
We’ll read books together. I’ll become erudite!
Daisy:
And when it’s a little less crowded outside, we’ll take long walks.
Berenger:
Yes, on the banks of the Seine, to the Luxembourg...
Daisy:
To the zoo.
Berenger:
I’ll be strong and courageous. I’ll defend you against all of them!
Daisy:
You won’t have to defend me, don’t worry. We don’t want to harm anybody.
And nobody wants to harm us either, darling.
Berenger:
Sometimes you do harm without intending to, or you just don’t do anything to
stop it. You didn’t like poor Mr. Papillon either. But maybe you shouldn’t have
told him so crudely, the day Boeuf became a rhinoceros, that the skin on his
palms was leathery.
Daisy:
But it was true--it was.
97
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
Of course, my darling. Still, you could have pointed it out to him a little less
bluntly, with more tact. You really got to him.
Daisy:
You think so?
Berenger:
He didn’t let it show, because he has a lot of pride. I’m sure he was deeply
wounded . That’s what made him decide. You might have been able to save
one soul.
Daisy:
I couldn’t foresee what was going to happen, and besides he was so rude!
Berenger:
I’ll always regret I wasn’t kinder to Jean. I was never able to convince him how
much I valued our friendship. And I wasn’t understanding enough with him.
Daisy:
Don’t worry about it. You did your best, you can’t do the impossible. What
good is remorse? Don’t even think about these people any more. Forget them!
Put those bad memories behind you.
Berenger:
They haunt me. They’re real.
Daisy:
I didn’t know you were such a realist. I thought you were more poetic. Where’s
your imagination? There are lots of different realities. Pick one that suits you!
Create your own fantasy world!
Berenger:
That’s easy enough to say!
Daisy:
Aren’t I enough for you?
Berenger:
Oh, yes! Plenty, plenty!
Daisy:
You’re going to ruin everything with your guilty conscience! After all, we all
have faults. Still, you and me, we have a lot less than most people.
Berenger:
You really think so?
Daisy:
We’re relatively better than most people. We’re good people, both of us.
Berenger:
It’s true, we’re both good people. You’re right.
Daisy:
So we have the right to live our lives in peace. In fact, we have a duty to
ourselves to be happy in spite of everything. Guilt is a dangerous thing. It shows
a lack of purity.
Berenger:
Oh, yes. It can lead to that...
(points in the direction of the windows under which the rhinoceroses are passing
and then to the upstage wall where another rhinoceros head appears.)
...a lot of them started out like us.
98
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Daisy:
Let’s try not to feel guilty.
Berenger:
You’re absolutely right, my joy, my goddess, the sun in my sky... we’re together,
right? Nobody can separate us. We’re in love, nothing else matters. We have
the right to be happy and nobody can take it away from us, right? (the telephone
rings) Who could that be?
Daisy:
(apprehensively): Don’t answer it!...
Berenger:
Why not?
Daisy:
I don’t know. I just think it’s better not to.
Berenger:
Maybe it’s Mr. Papillon, or Botard, or Jean, or Dudard who want to tell us that
they’ve changed their minds. Remember you said that maybe it was just a fad!
Daisy:
I don’t think so. They couldn’t have changed their minds so quickly. They
haven’t had enough time to think about it. I’m sure they want to live this
experience to the limit.
Berenger:
Maybe the authorities have decided to do something and they’re calling to ask for
our help.
Daisy:
That would surprise me. (The telephone rings again)
Berenger:
It’s the authorities, I tell you, I recognize their ring. It’s a long drawn-out ring. I
have to answer their call. At this point, it couldn’t possibly be anyone else.
(He picks up the phone. )
Hello?
(The only response is trumpeting heard coming from the receiver)
You hear that? Trumpeting! Listen!
(Daisy puts the receiver to her ear, jumps back, and slams the receiver down)
Daisy:
(terrified)
What’s going on?
Berenger:
They’re playing tricks on us now.
Daisy:
Well their tricks are really in bad taste.
Berenger:
You see, I told you so.
Daisy:
You didn’t tell me anything.
Berenger:
I was expecting this! I predicted it would happen.
99
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Daisy:
You didn’t predict anything at all. You’ve never predicted anything. You never
predict anything until it’s already happened.
Berenger:
Oh yes, I predict things, I see into the future!
Daisy:
They’re not very nice, they’re nasty! I don’t like it when people make fun of me.
Berenger:
They wouldn’t dare make fun of you. They’re making fun of me!
Daisy:
And of course since I’m with you, I have to put up with it, too! They’re getting
their revenge. But what did we do to them?
(the telephone rings again)
Pull out the plug!
Berenger:
The telephone company doesn’t allow that.
Daisy:
You’re scared to do anything, and you talk about defending me?
(Daisy pulls the plug, and the ringing stops)
Berenger:
(rushing to the radio) Let’s turn on the radio and listen to the news.
Daisy:
Yes, we should find out what’s going on.
(Trumpeting is heard coming from the radio. Berenger violently turns the button
and the radio goes silent. But we still hear from a distance what sounds like
echoes of trumpeting)
This is getting really serious. I don’t like this, I can’t accept it.
(She trembles)
Berenger:
(extremely agitated) Calm down! Calm down!
Daisy:
They’ve occupied the radio stations!
Berenger:
(trembling and agitated) Calm down! Be calm! Be calm!
(Daisy runs towards the up-stage window, looks out, then runs toward the downstage window, and looks out; Berenger does the same thing in reverse and they
meet center stage, face to face)
Daisy:
It’s not a joke anymore, they’re really taking themselves seriously.
Berenger:
There’s no one but them, they’re all that’s left, even the authorities have gone
over to their side.
(Daisy and Berenger again run from window to window in opposite directions
and again meet center stage)
100
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Daisy:
There’s nobody left... anywhere.
Berenger:
We’re alone. We’re the only ones left.
Daisy:
That’s exactly what you wanted.
Berenger:
You’re the one who wanted it!
Daisy:
No, you!
Berenger:
It was you!
(Noises come from everywhere at once. Rhinoceros heads fill the up-stage wall.
From left and right in the house, the noise of rushing feet and the panting breath
of the animals. But all these terrifying sounds are nevertheless somehow
rhythmical, making a kind of music. The loudest noises of all come from above;
a noise of stamping. Plaster falls from the ceiling. The house shakes violently.)
Daisy:
It’s an earthquake! (She has no idea which way to run)
Berenger:
No, it’s our neighbors, the perissodactyls!
(He shakes his fist in all directions)
Stop it! You’re interrupting our work! It’s forbidden to make noise! Forbidden!
Daisy:
They’re not going to listen to you.
(Nonetheless the noises diminish to a kind of sonorous and musical background
noise.)
Berenger:
(terrified also) Don’t be afraid, my love! We’re together! You’re here with me!
Aren’t I enough for you? I’ll protect you from all this!
Daisy:
Maybe it’s our fault.
Berenger:
Don’t think about it any more. We mustn’t feel any remorse! Feeling guilty is
dangerous! Let’s just live our lives. Let’s just be happy. It’s our duty to be
happy! They’re not mean, we won’t harm them. They’ll leave us alone. Calm
down. Relax. Sit in the armchair.
(He guides her to the armchair)
Calm down.
(Daisy sits in the armchair.)
Do you want a glass of brandy? To pick you up?
Daisy:
I have a headache.
101
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Berenger:
(taking the bandage and putting it on Daisy’s forehead)
I love you, my darling! Don’t be upset, it’s just a fad, they’ll get over it.
Daisy:
They won’t get over it. It’ll last forever! They’re never going to change back!
Berenger:
I love you! I love you passionately!
Daisy:
(taking off the bandage)
Que sera, sera. We can’t do anything about it.
Berenger:
They’ve all gone crazy. The world is sick. They’re all sick!
Daisy:
Well, we’re not going to cure them.
Berenger:
How can we live in the same house with them?
Daisy:
(calming down) Let’s be reasonable. We have to find a modus vivendi. We have
to try to get along with them.
Berenger:
They can’t understand us.
Daisy:
We have to find a way, there’s no other solution.
Berenger:
Do you understand them?
Daisy:
Not yet, but we should try to understand their psychology, learn their language.
Berenger:
They don’t have a language! Listen! You call that a language!
Daisy:
What do you know about it? You’re not a linguist!
Berenger:
We’ll talk about this later. We should eat first.
Daisy:
I’m not hungry anymore. It’s just too much, I can’t fight it anymore!
Berenger:
But you’re stronger than I am! Don’t let them get to you! I’ve always admired
you for your courage.
Daisy:
You’ve already told me that .
Berenger:
Do you really believe I love you?
Daisy:
Yes, of course.
Berenger:
I love you.
Daisy:
You’re repeating yourself, my darling.
Berenger:
Listen, Daisy, we can make a go of it. We’ll have children, our children will
have children. It’ll take time, but together we can regenerate the human race!
102
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Daisy:
Regenerate the human race?
Berenger:
We’ll be Adam and Eve.
Daisy:
A long time ago, Adam and Eve... they had a lot of courage.
Berenger:
Us too! We can have a lot of courage! We don’t even need that much! It comes
naturally! All we need is a little time and a little patience!
Daisy:
Why bother?
Berenger:
Yes, yes! A little bit of courage! A tiny little bit of courage!
Daisy:
I don’t want to have children! It’s such a bother.
Berenger:
Then how do you propose to save the world?
Daisy:
Why save it?
Berenger:
What a question?! Do it for me, Daisy! Let’s save the world!
Daisy:
After all, maybe we’re the ones who need saving! Maybe we’re the abnormal
ones.
Berenger:
You’re rambling, Daisy. You’ve got a fever.
Daisy:
Do you see anybody else like us?
Berenger:
Daisy, I don’t want to hear you talk like that
(Daisy looks all around at all the rhinoceroses, whose heads we see on the walls,
on the landing door, and now starting to appear along the footlights)
Daisy:
They seem so happy. They feel so good about themselves. They don’t look
crazy at all to me. They’re so natural. They did the right thing.
Berenger:
(putting his hands together and looking at Daisy in desperation) We’re the ones
who are right, Daisy, believe me!
Daisy:
You’re so pretentious!
Berenger:
You know I’m right!
Daisy:
There’s no such thing as being absolutely right! All of them are right--not you
and me.
Berenger:
Yes, Daisy, I’m right! The proof is you understand me when I talk to you.
Daisy:
That doesn’t prove anything!
Berenger:
The proof is I love you as much as a man can love a woman!
103
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Daisy:
That’s a mighty strange argument.
Berenger:
I don’t understand you anymore, Daisy. My darling, you have no idea what
you’re saying. Love! Love, don’t you see? Love...
Daisy:
I’m a little embarrassed by what you call love. That morbid feeling, that male
weakness--and female, too. It’s nothing like the passion, the extraordinary
energy, that radiates from these beautiful beings all around us!
Berenger:
Energy? You want energy? Okay, here’s some energy! (He slaps her.)
Daisy:
Oh!!! I would never have thought... (She collapses into the armchair)
Berenger:
Oh, forgive me, my darling, forgive me! I didn’t mean to! I don’t know what
came over me! How could I let myself go like that?!
Daisy:
It’s because you don’t have any convincing arguments left; it’s simple.
Berenger:
My god! We’ve just lived through twenty five years of marriage in twenty-five
minutes!
Daisy:
I feel sorry for you, too. I understand you.
Berenger:
(as Daisy weeps) You’re right, I don’t have any more arguments. You think
they’re stronger than me, maybe even stronger than the two of us together.
Daisy:
I certainly do.
Berenger:
In spite of everything, I swear to you, I will not give in! I will not give in!
Daisy:
(she gets up, go towards Berenger, puts her arms around his neck)
My poor darling, I’ll fight with you to the end.
Berenger:
Do you think you can?
Daisy:
I’ll keep my word. You can believe me.
(The noises of the rhinoceroses have become melodious)
They’re singing, can you hear them?
Berenger:
They’re not singing, they’re trumpeting.
Daisy:
They’re singing!
Berenger:
They’re trumpeting, I tell you!
Daisy:
You’re crazy, they’re singing!
Berenger:
Then you don’t have much of an ear for music!
104
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
Daisy:
You don’t know anything about music, poor dear--and look, they’re playing,
they’re dancing.
Berenger:
You call that dancing?
Daisy:
They’re beautiful in their own way.
Berenger:
They’re disgusting!
Daisy:
I don’t want you to say bad things about them! It’s mean!
Berenger:
I’m sorry. Let’s not quarrel on their account.
Daisy:
They’re gods!
Berenger:
You’re really going too far, Daisy! Take a good look at them!
Daisy:
Don’t be jealous, my darling. Can you forgive me, too?
(She moves again towards Berenger, wants to take him in her arm, this time it is
Berenger who pulls away)
Berenger:
We’re never going to agree on this. Let’s just drop it.
Daisy:
Don’t be petty.
Berenger:
Don’t be stupid!
Daisy:
(To Berenger, who turn his back to her. He is looking in the mirror, staring at
himself)
We’ll never have a life together.
(As Berenger continues to look at himself in the mirror, she moves slowly to the
door, saying)
He’s really not very nice, not nice at all.
(She exits. We see her slowly descending the staircase. )
Berenger:
(still looking at himself in the mirror)
Men aren’t as bad looking as all that. And I’m not even one of the most
handsome. Believe me, Daisy!
(He turns around)
Daisy! Daisy! Where are you, Daisy? You can’t do that!
105
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(He rushes toward the door)
Daisy!
(He’s gotten to the landing, he leans over the railing.)
Daisy! Come back up here! Come back, my little Daisy! We didn’t even have
lunch! Daisy, don’t leave me all alone! Remember what you promised me!
Daisy! Daisy!
(He gives up trying to call her, makes a despairing gesture, and goes back into
his room.)
Well, it was obvious we weren’t getting along any more. A broken home. It just
wasn’t working. Still she shouldn’t have left me without saying anything.
(He looks all around.)
She didn’t even leave me a little note. That’s just not done. I’m completely
alone now.
(Goes to lock the door carefully, but his anger is apparent.)
They won’t get me! Not me!
(He closes the windows carefully.)
They won’t get me, not me!
(He addresses all of the rhinoceros heads)
I’m not going to become one of you! I don’t understand you! I’m going to stay
what I am! I’m a human being! A human being!
(He goes to sit in the armchair)
I can’t take this anymore. It’s my fault she’s gone. I was everything to her.
What’s going to become of her? Somebody else on my conscience! The worst is
bound to happen. Poor thing, abandoned in a universe filled with monsters!
Nobody can help me find her. Nobody. Because nobody’s left.
(Trumpetings are heard again. Frantic hoof beats. Clouds of dust.)
I don’t want to listen to them! I’m going to put cotton in my ears.
(He puts cotton in his ears, and talks to himself in the mirror.)
The only solution is to convince them, but convince them of what? Can these
mutations be reversed? Huh? That would be a Herculean task, I don’t have that
kind of strength. First of all, in order to convince them, I have to talk to them.
106
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
To talk to them, I have to learn their language, or maybe they could learn mine?
But what language am I speaking? What is my language? Is this English? This
must be English! But what’s English? I can call this English if I want, nobody’s
going to say anything different, since I’m the only one who speaks it. And what
am I saying? Do I understand what I’m saying? Do I even understand myself?
(He goes toward the middle of the room.)
And what if, like Daisy said, they’re the ones who’re right?
(He goes back towards the mirror.)
Men are not ugly. Men are not ugly.
(He looks at himself as he runs his hand over his face.)
What a funny thing. What do I look like anyway? What?
(He rushes towards the closet, takes out some photos, and looks at them.)
Photographs. Who are all these people? Papillon? Or maybe Daisy? And this
one here, is it Botard, or Dudard, or Jean? Or maybe even me?
(He rushes again toward the closet, from which he takes out two or three
paintings.)
Yes, I recognize myself; it’s me, it’s me!
(He goes to hang the paintings on the up-stage wall, next to the rhinoceros
heads.)
It’s me, it’s me!
(When he hangs the pictures one sees that they are of an old man, a huge woman,
and another man. The ugliness of these pictures is in contrast to the rhinoceros
heads which have become very beautiful. Berenger steps back to contemplate the
pictures.)
I’m not good-looking, I’m ugly!
(He takes down the pictures, throws them furiously to the ground, and goes over
to the mirror.)
They’re the ones who are beautiful. I was wrong! Oh, how I’d love to be like
them! Look at me, I don’t even have a horn. A smooth forehead is so ugly! One
or two horns would really give a lift to this sagging face! Maybe one’ll grow,
and I won’t need to be ashamed any more, then I’d be able to join them. But it’s
not happening!
107
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.
Translation: A. Kuharski & G. Moskos
(He looks at his palms and the backs of his hands.)
My hands are so sweaty, so soft--won’t they ever get rough?
(He takes off his jacket, undoes his shirt, and looks at his chest in the mirror.)
I’ve got such flabby skin! Oh, this body is so white, so hairy. How I’d love to
have tough skin and that magnificent dark green color--their naked dignity!
(He listens to the trumpetings )
Their songs are charming--a little harsh, but still charming. Oh, if only I could
sing like they do!
(He tries to imitate them.)
Ahh, ahh, brr! No that’s not it. Let’s try it again, louder. Ahh, ahh, brr! No, no,
that’s not it, it sounds so weak. There’s no power in it. I can’t trumpet. All I can
do is howl. Ahh, ahh, brr! Howling and trumpeting aren’t the same thing. It’s
all my fault, I should’ve joined them when there was still time. Too late now.
God, I’m a monster, a monster! I’ll never become a rhinoceros, never, ever!
There’s no way I can change now. I want to so badly, but I can’t! I can’t look at
myself anymore, I’m too ashamed!
(He turns his back to the mirror.)
I’m so ugly! This is what happens to people who think they’re different from
everybody else.
(He suddenly snaps out of it.)
What the hell! I’ll take ‘em all on! Where’s my gun, my gun?!
(He turns to face the up-stage wall, where the rhinoceros heads are fixed in
position, screaming all the while.)
I’ll take you all on! All of you! I’ll fight you to the end! I’m the last man, and
I’ll stay a man! I won’t give in!!!
Curtain
108
For use only for staged readings for The Rhinoceros Project 2017.
Approval by Allen Kuharski required for all performance rights in English.