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InRoads
Dear LifeLaunch Participant,
Welcome back to InRoads, the second of our new quarterly publication for our LifeLaunch participants. The
feedback on our first issue was very positive. We’re delighted that you found this publication to be helpful in
reminding you of the rich learning’s in LifeLaunch and your commitment to live your LifeLaunch plan. In this second
issue, we’re exploring a topic we’ve received a number of requests for: life in the doldrums.
For many, the doldrums becomes very apparent with the business pressures and changes at
year and the emotional-filled times of the holidays. Hopefully, the information in this issue
will give you new ideas and reminders about coaching in the doldrums. We’ll address some
of the most common questions like: How do I know if I am really in the doldrums or having
just a bad week? How long should I expect to be in the doldrums? What strategies can I put
in place to move beyond this phase! And, how do I decide whether I need to make smaller adjustments in the form
of a mini-transition or consider a big change and a build a whole new chapter in my life? We’ll hear from some
of you who came into the program in the doldrums and we’ll learn from your stories as you graciously share your
thoughts on strategies that were particularly helpful in moving through the doldrums and into the next phase. Thank
you for your feedback on our first issue. And don’t be shy about continuing to share your thoughts or pose questions
and topics that you’d like to see us address in future issues.
Warm regards, Pam McLean, Ph.D.
CEO, The Hudson Institute of Santa Barbara
Getting Through The Doldrums
he dreaded Doldrums – the place where,
T
– is as much of a natural part of the cycle as any
Milo, the boy in Norman Juster’s classic
other phase. And although it’s the phase we dread
children’s book the Phantom Tollbooth learns that
the most, it is, as we will come to learn, a very rich
“no one’s allowed to think, laughter is frowned
place of learning, transition and change.Yet sooner
upon and smiling is permitted only on alternate
or later we all land there for a time. When you find
Thursdays…and most of one’s time is spent is
you have realized your dream – you have a great
brooding, lagging, plodding and procrastinating”
family, a fabulous and positively challenging role
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in your organization, a beautiful home and other
the loss of an important and central role in your
symbols of success and you find yourself saying
life – leader, mother, husband, CEO? Is it the loss of
– “Is this all there is?!?!” – you will know you are in
a vague dream? Is it the loss that comes suddenly
The Doldrums.
and shakes the very foundation of your being –
M
through a sudden death, a life threatening illness, a
satisfying right now and you can’t imagine it being
No way around it, the deeper the letting go,
otherwise, but unless you keep revising, polishing
the greater the loss, the longer the stay in The
and honing it; it, too, will at some point along your
Doldrums. And gradually the questions emerge
journey become dull and less interesting to you.
– “how long do I have to stay in this phase?”
Even with attention and care there will come a
…”and just what is the value of it – it sure doesn’t
natural time when it’s simply not as satisfying, it’s
feel good!”
uch like when precious metals lose their
luster and their shine unless polished,
your career may be shining and enormously
not enough, and you begin to thirst for something
new and different.
divorce, something that will likely send you reeling
and into deep grieving?
Well, there is value in this phase and it’s not just
a time to devote to self-pity or a time to begin
What’s interesting and almost universally true is
at the same time when you lose interest
slipping into a clinical depression. Instead, The
Doldrums marks a natural and necessary
in your journey and life has lost its
shine, we are also likely to deny
our growing discontent and resist
making any changes. It’s almost
a homeostatic response to any
potential threat of change – our
part of the loss and change process.
Our
natural inclination
is to want to “freeze”
life as it is.
natural inclination is to want to
“freeze” life as it is. We seem most
comfortable holding onto what we know,
even in the midst of our growing dissatisfaction.
We may not have realized it but we’ve quietly
switched gears the moment we shift from building
our dream to managing it. Before we were chasing
a new and lofty dream in life. Now that we’ve got
it, our attention shifts over time and it unless we
There is no way to pass The
Doldrums and head for the Go For
It phase – it serves the important
function of allowing us to fully
acknowledge that we know we
are there when, just as in Ed
Gardner’s description – we are “stuck in
molasses”, and you can’t get traction nor move
anywhere. The feelings accompanying this phase
are anger, blame and more or less feeling like the
world as dealt us an undeserved hand of bad luck,
or perhaps even more challenging – we are simply
stuck in the rut our daily routines with no clear
sense of direction and no apparent escape route.
are thoroughly engaged in self-renewal practices;
Eventually we all end up in The Doldrums more
we begin to lose our passion for the dream that
than a few times in our lives. Some of us arrive
meant so much to us in the beginning.
sooner than others, some stay much longer than
Whenever a discussion of The Doldrums
transpires – the first question that emerges is –
how long should I expect to be in The Doldrums?
The best answer is – it depends upon how deep,
poignant and powerful the loss is that you are
experiencing. Is it the loss of your passion for what
you’ve been doing for the past many years? Is it
others. We know we are here when nothing much
happens, nothing much changes and we feel ill at
ease, unhappy, angry, and resentful. And Juster’s
description in the Phantom Tollbooth, is not far
off of our sense of this phase – “no clocks, no
schedules and the décor is vague, gray and hard to
describe precisely.”
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Knowing we all end up in The Doldrums from
might be a small adjustment in the form of a
time to time helps us to feel ‘normal’ when it
position in a different department or a move to a
happens to us and to open the door a bit to the
different location; or it could be something very
experience. It encourages us to look at it as an
big – a goodbye to a lifelong role, a farewell to a
opportunity, a wake-up call, a message to self that
marriage of many years, a surprise hello to a health
something is not working as well as it used to; in
challenge that threatens all that we’ve known.
short – something needs to change. The change
T
he Turning Point —The good news is that sooner or later, we reach a point where we have stalled
out long enough and we reach a point where even we are fed up (disgusted with) ourselves, our
situation and our doom and gloom outlook. The trick with leaving The Doldrums is that it’s not so much
a mental decision to change and move on. Ask many “Doldrumites” and they will tell you that despite
their best attempts and the “encouragement and counsel” they receive from many of their friends and
colleagues to “just snap out of it!” – it doesn’t work.You will stay in The Doldrums until there comes
a time where you have a change of heart – due to your own initiatives and a number of things
finally come together or through an experience or individual that opens the door to your heart
and mind and the clarity pours in, like the sun breaking through the clouds after a storm. And
wherever the heart leads, the mind follows. Then we can make room for new energy and leave
The Doldrums by holding on to what is vital but letting go of what is not. Only then can you take
on new things and move on. “...na na na-na, hey hey-hey, Goodbye…”
We can
make room for
new energy and leave
The Doldrums.
Believe it or not, it’s not easy to say good-bye to The Doldrums. As miserable as you are and as much
pressure as you put on yourself to move on or as much as your heart aches to move forward, the feelings
of fear and anger are familiar so there is great comfort in “wrapping the enticing, pernicious blanket of fear
around yourself” as Gardner explains in his story. Here are a few ways to support yourself when you find
yourself in The Doldrums:
Strategies for Getting Out of The Doldrums
1. Get a Coach.Your world is shaped around your own personal career, surroundings and experience.
You will likely be blind to some of your own personal roadblocks and obstacles. A professional
coach sees personal obstacles and roadblocks every day in many or most of their clients. They have
a great deal of experience helping others over and around them.
When you drive somewhere new, it’s easy to get lost even if you have directions. Ask a local and
they’ll probably know exactly where to send you. Similarly, a coach is used to seeing the situation
you’re in and they can quickly help and lead you to a better place
2. Rely on Good Friends. Ask them for feedback, but ask them clearly to be honest with you. The
choice of who to ask is important. The softest and most gentle friend may not be the best. A person
who tells you what they think you want to hear is not helpful.You have to ask someone who is
prepared to tell you what you don’t want to hear for your own good. For example, try this: “I want
you to be honest with me, even if it means telling me something you think I don’t want to hear...”
Strategies continued on page 4
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Strategies continued from page 3
When they’re giving you feedback, draw out their opinions rather than disagreeing. This will open
up the discussion rather than closing it down. Rather than “I disagree,” try this: “I hear what you’re
saying--can you give me a specific example of that?” If they do, thank them for it. The more you don’t
want to hear what they had to say, the more risk they had to take to tell you.
3. Seek Out Professional Peers. Solicit feedback. Again, choosing the right peer is important.You want
someone who you respect and who will be prepared to be honest. Avoid advice “on the fly” when
you’re walking down the corridor or just before a meeting starts. When you ask for feedback, make
sure they’ve got the time to talk to you. Go get a coffee somewhere or close the door so you won’t
be disturbed.
4. Don’t Shoot the Messenger. When someone is telling you what you don’t want to hear, you may
wish you’d never opened the door, but remember the feedback you’re getting is valuable. Painful
though it may be, thank them for their frankness afterwards.
5. Take Notes and Journal About Your Findings. Use a pen and paper. Write down bullet points. It’s easy
to just listen and imagine you’ll remember it all later but when you try to remember 20 minutes of
feedback you might not remember more than a couple of sentences. Worse, selective memory is
a problem and the points you remember may not be the most important ones that you heard.You
might remember what you want to remember and forget the rest. If someone is prepared to give
you honest feedback, try to capture in writing the main points they’re making while they are making
them. Wait to see what thoughts and ideas this conversation brings to mind over the next several
days and write more about it in your journal. Not only does a journal help you work things out in
the moment, it’s also a great tool to review in the days ahead to track your progress on those days
when you feel stuck.
6. Break your Routines. Typically our days follow a well-worn and familiar path. It’s easier to get a
new perspective by stepping out of your regular routine than it is from inside of it. Set aside just a
few minutes now and again for meditation or take a short walk. Going somewhere new or doing
something new can often help break the mold.
My Days in the Doldrums
Editor’s Note: Chances are, you have already taken a stay in The Doldrums. But whether you breezed through
Phase Two of the Cycle of Renewal, or had to book a room, Ed Gardner’s LifeLaunch story will both validate the
thoughts and feelings that occur, as he shares his reflections on helpful strategies on how to move forward.
W
hen I came to my LifeLaunch program in June 2005, I was deep in The Doldrums. My father
passed away a year before, and I was experiencing a type of “middle-age orphan” syndrome. I had
just abruptly left an executive position in a well-known high technology company and I had abandoned
my profession after a 26-year career in Human Resources. I had lost faith in my chosen field and I felt as
though my whole career had been a waste. I no longer believed in myself.
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I
was depressed. I was angry, frustrated and alone. At the same time, I was feeling an emotional and
spiritual pain. It was quite a paradox. On the one hand, I was experiencing a host of intense emotions
and on the other hand, I was in a deep hole, devoid of anything. I felt like I was in a “psychic jar” of
molasses – I couldn’t move.
“a-Ha! Moments”
Fortunately, the bouldering activity in LifeLaunch provided an incredible opportunity to start removing
obstacles to growth and moving forward on my journey. It was an incredible process to go through when
I was thoroughly stuck in molasses. With the help and guidance of my Small Group Leader and my Small
Group, I began to face my anger and fear; and I embarked on the difficult process of removing obstacles
from my path. Later, during the third day of LifeLaunch, when I told my “stories”, an epiphany occurred, and
I emerged from the four days with a newfound passion and direction for my life.
Since then, I’ve used my own healing as my guide to move me forward and
I emerged
from the four
days with a newfound
passion and direction
for my life.
I’ve begun to take my stories and love of storytelling and use it in my
coaching practice to help clients find their own path.
The Cycle of Renewal was also a huge a-HA! for me.You don’t know
what you don’t know, and I didn’t know I was in The Doldrums. Until
I saw it portrayed on the mat on the floor, read some of the materials
and started talking to the small group leaders I couldn’t put a name to it,
package it and put a bow around it. But the first step in getting out of The
Doldrums is knowing that you are in The Doldrums; and before knowing
about The Doldrums getting out seems elusive – you know you are feeling
something, but you can’t put a concept to it. Armed with the wisdom contained in the LifeLaunch program I
could begin the hard work of moving out of The Doldrums, but where should I go? What was next?
Should I try a Mini-transition or a Life Transition?
For me, the decision to do a major life transition was an easy one. The loss I felt was simply too deep for
a quick fix or minor adjustment to make a difference. Through the scenario planning process I envisioned
going back inside of an organization and each time I thought about it or talked about it, it created a deep
pit inside my stomach. Changing scenery, through companies or locations wouldn’t have gotten me out
of The Doldrums. In considering another position inside I started “sloshing” – jumping back and forth
between The Doldrums and Cocooning. I knew I had to try something different – something that brought
passion and purpose back into my life. I knew I needed a life transition. So, I began thinking about the
world of coaching and consulting, but with a twist. Somehow, I needed to find a way to meld my love of
stories and the art of storytelling with coaching.
Like many, I lingered quite awhile before finally being able to leave The Doldrums for good. After
LifeLaunch I continued into HI’s Coaching Intensive Training program (CIT) and after the first CIT session
I found myself sloshing right back into The Doldrums. It was through the help of one of the CIT Leaders,
that I realized I was still feeling hurt, angry and frustrated by the behavior my clients exhibited – which
strongly resonated with what I had experienced prior to leaving my position. Although I was trying to
help these clients, I was unable to hold them with “unconditional positive regard”. This realization was
devastating. I almost left the coaching program if it weren’t for my coaches helping to get me back on track
by revisiting the letting go and forgiving process.
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The Helpful and Not So Helpful Advice
Most, if not all of us, will find ourselves in The Doldrums a few times in our lives. Some of us may have the
important responsibility of coaching a client stuck in The Doldrums. Along this path, you may encounter,
as I did, well-meaning friends or colleagues who offer up advice like, “Look at all of the wonderful things
you’ve done…you should feel proud of your career and your accomplishments.” Or, you may get the
“tough love” approach. “Snap out of it…others have it far worse than you…stop feeling sorry for
yourself…get over it and get on with it.” Both of these types of interventions are like say
to a drowning person, “Swim! The shore isn’t that far away.” Certainly, neither of these
approaches worked for me. When you are in The Doldrums nothing really matters – you
don’t care! It’s like a blanket you wrap around yourself – an enticing, pernicious blanket of
anger and fear. It’s safe.You know what it feels like. It’s not healthy, but it’s easy to succumb
to the allure of The Doldrums.
However, my coaches, and I used three – my coaching pyramid as I called them – brought
three different perspectives and each was incredible. One coach identified that I was in The
Doldrums and what that meant; the second one helped me let go – to acknowledge the
feelings, forgive (not forget) and move on; and the third coach helped me take the leap of
faith. It reminds me of Indiana Jones in the final movie, Indiana Jones and the Final Crusade
when the group is in the temple and can’t see how they are going to get over the chasm that lies between
them and the Holy Grail. It’s stepping out and having faith the invisible walkway will be there, just as it is in
the movie, to help Indiana Jones get into the chamber where the monk is. In order to leave The Doldrums
you have to take that leap of faith.
Once I learned how to truly “let go” and take the leap of faith, I was ready to begin my new journey. A
journey that embodied the spirit of forgiveness and compassion. A journey that was to take me into the
realm of storytelling and into the art of coaching.
Today, I am firmly in “Getting Ready” – Phase Four – of the Cycle of Renewal. Soon, I will be able to move
back into “Go For It”. While those feelings of hurt and anger still reside deep inside of me, I now can
appreciate my corporate coaching clients and hold them in unconditional positive regard. My growth as a
person and my development as a coach would not have been possible without my LifeLaunch experience
and CIT training.
In Their Own Words
Editor’s Note: We all come to LifeLaunch for different reasons. Yet regardless of why we answered the call to
come, there always seem to be some moment of insight, some epiphany that give us that “lift-off ” to the next
chapter of our lives. Here is the moving story, of a recent LifeLaunch participant, Elizabeth Gates.
E
lizabeth Gates, Regional HR manager, IT Division at T-Mobile – After four children in four years, I
didn’t know what I wanted to do next. At the moment I started the LifeLaunch seminar, I it was the
first time in four years I hadn’t been pregnant or was experiencing post partum. I wanted to know what it
was like to be me, and ask myself the questions: Who am I (at a normal hormonal level)? Who do I want to
be? And, where do I want to go? I had the same type of job for six years and wanted to see if that’s what I
wanted to do long-term.
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B
oulder work and the Lifeline got my attention, but the real eye opening moment came… I had done a
similar lifeline experience during my MBA studies in 1999. So completing the lifeline at HI, it was
interesting for me to see what had changed since then. I realized that I had been pregnant for four years,
but I hadn’t changed.
The boulder work was very significant for me. In experiencing the voices out loud, I actually threw one
of my classmates on the beach…I pummeled the poor girl! But that wasn’t what got my attention --what
really ended up changing me was a picture of myself that I received after the LifeLaunch program. And I
thought, “Oh my gosh, that isn’t me!” That was a hard pill to swallow.
That was then, this is now. What’s different today is that I am not as hard on myself because I understand
the cyclical nature of change. I allow myself to be in hard places. I am now more effective,
because I am able to take action sooner. Because of LifeLaunch, the Cycle of Renewal
and working through some issues, I am able to recognize change much
earlier and work with it better. I am able to continually reinvent myself.
When something doesn’t serve me well I can let go – I continually evaluate
where I’m at in this season, in this time and let go of things in order to be
more effective in the future.
I continually
evaluate where I’m at
in this season
A lot of the goals I set, including weight issues, relations with my kids, priorities
for my future vision and encouraging people to live courageous lives have all
been realized. LifeLaunch gave me the enthusiasm, courage and boldness to invent
the future.
The HI tools I use the most. I take the Cycle of Renewal into
everything that I do. Now, I recognize how I am responding,
or where a team is on any given day. Understanding the
A lot of the goals
I set, including weight issues,
relations with my kids, priorities
for my future vision and encouraging
people to live courageous lives have all
been realized. LifeLaunch gave me the
enthusiasm, courage and boldness
to invent the future.
cyclical nature of change, I help other managers and I
manage my own job better – it helps me generate
new creative ideas, handle things differently. And
it’s given me a language and a tool chest to
draw on to continually bring new products and
energy into what I do.
The radical changes. The biggest change for me
was my weight loss. I was committed to it
before I attended LifeLaunch, and the program
just pushed me over. Currently, I have lost 110
pounds…and the losses keep building! I also look
at the different roles in my life and give greater
balance and focus to all of them. Something I didn’t do before
LifeLaunch was to look at coupling the roles in order to give time to other areas.
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Ask the Coach
Q
I’m still in the doldrums. I understood the doldrums at LifeLaunch. It described me perfectly!
I came home ready to cocoon. I bought gentle orange tea and fuzzy clothes. But I still feel stuck
and miserable. How do I get out?
A
We don’t “get out” of the doldrums just because we want to. The doldrums is a crucial part of the
adult life cycle. The pain we experience here makes us teachable. Ask yourself what you really need
to learn before you can leave the doldrums. We don’t move on until we are willing to look deeply inside,
face our fears, and learn something new and important about ourselves.
A client I worked with struggled with this for months before finally realizing that her deepest fear was that
if she looked carefully at herself she would find nothing – no purpose, no passions, zero! Once she was
able to face this fear, she was able to finally move ahead to cocooning and ultimately to an exciting and
purposeful new life chapter.
To really change, you have to come to grips with what is inside yourself.
We’d Love to Know:
Was This Helpful?
Thank you for taking
the time to review
this quarterly issue of
InRoads. Now, it’s
time for you to share
your thoughts. If you
have questions that
you’d like to see
answered in this
section in our next
issue, or if you’d like
to let us know what
you thought of this
newsletter, please
drop us an email at
[email protected]
350 South Hope Avenue
Santa Barbara, CA 93105
[email protected]
www.hudsoninstitute.com
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