RABBI DUBOWE’S ARTICLE
Bazman Hazeh – August 2014
Pride and Joy
The young thirteen-year-old stood nervously on the bimah in front of the entire
congregation, after many hours of preparation for her Bat Mitzvah. By the end of the
service, there was a beaming smile from her parents and a sigh of relief on her face.
Her family and friends were graciously humbled by this significant traditional Jewish lifecycle event. They were privileged to witness the transformation when young people take
the symbolic step of entering into adulthood –– to become a responsible member of the
Jewish community.
As a rabbi, I have been blessed to be a part of many b’nei mitzvahs. The ultimate and
heartfelt goal of this experience is not only about learning how to chant from the Torah,
studying prayers, performing mitzvot, and writing a D’var Torah. Rather it is a
transformative experience about pride. The fulfillment of pride is a sacred journey that
inspires our b’nei mitzvah students to gain confidence, courage and a strong connection
to their Jewish faith.
Our ancient rabbis who created this traditional life-changing religious ritual for our
“young adults-to-be” were brilliant! They were not only recognized as scholars of Torah
but also quite keen on the knowledge of human psychology. Throughout the centuries,
we have learned how crucial it is to create an environment that emphasizes the
importance of personal growth, positive identity, and a healthy self-esteem for all
children.
During the adolescence period, the “young adults-to-be” face a wide range of emotions
and transitions that are considered “normal” during the teen years. I am sure we all
have our “oy!” stories about our children. Yet we survive and eventually they find their
way into adulthood. The transition from childhood to becoming an adult is emotionally
exhausting. Dr. Carl Pickhardt, a psychologist, identifies the beginning stages of
adolescence. He says that it begins around the ages of 9 to13 ... ”when the young
person's separation from childhood creates a loss of contentment with being defined
and treated any longer as just a child. In this process, many components of selfdefinition now considered "childish" - beloved interests, activities, and relationships that
supported self-esteem - may be sacrificed for the sake of future growth and acting older.
A lot of "kid stuff" of significant psychological value can be thrown away. Old toys and
hobbies can be abandoned, and even cherished grandparents can be put at a
distance.”
Does this sound familiar?
It is during this intensive time that they are attending middle school, doing
extracurricular activities, and learning and studying Torah at their synagogue
community. Sounds like our children are over-scheduled or perhaps a bit lost? The
rabbis believed that being a part of the Jewish community is the best place and time for
our “adults-to-be”: they need to be in a safe place where they are surrounded by their
families and peers who are experiencing the same things that they’re going through.
This sacred rite of passage, the Bat/Bar Mitzvah experience, emphasizes the concept of
pride, of courage, as they slowly let go of their childhood and begin learning new things
about themselves as “adults-to-be.” In addition, this religious transition is for parents as
well, as it reinforces them to see that their children are ready to become “adults-to-be.”
There is indeed a tremendous amount of pride once they have completed this beautiful
Jewish celebration. Actually, it is a double simcha of pride because it celebrates the
essence of one who becomes a Bat/Bar Mitzvah, as well as recognizing that Judaism
will be strengthened by the next generation of our people.
At the same time, we must be cautious, as the tendency to have excessive pride during
times of celebration occurs quite often. While the preparation of the Bat/Bar Mitzvah is
intensive, sometimes the party becomes the main focus of attention. Yes, it is a
mitzvah, a commandment, to host an oneg, a reception, to celebrate the simcha.
However, it is not a mitzvah when we say that it is more about the party and not about
the preparation for the actual worship service. We may all have the right intentions; but
we are constantly challenged to achieve a balance between what is right and what may
not be so right. Even in the midst of such simchas, we must attempt to not overextend
our pride, especially with insignificant details, because it can become an expression of
arrogance.
Becoming an “adult-to-be” in the Jewish community is an emotional and holy
experience. This is why expressing pride during the Bat/Bar Mitzvah is a good feeling
because it validates all of the student’s dedication and hard work. As parents, adults,
and role models for all children … let us heed the lesson as to how important it is to
remain humble and worthy in the midst of potential holy moments of joy and pride for all.
L’Shalom,
Rabbi Rebecca L. Dubowe