The following is purported to be an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish
Railway Company (Iarnród Éireann).
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be
getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
-------------------------------Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe
you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000
years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
----------------------------------Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and indeed I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town
on his ass. That... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours feckin' truly,
Patrick Finnegan.
EASYJET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man
sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man
looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Irish Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the
dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is .I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and
finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then
returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm. The Policeman
said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in
possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the
FOREVER YOUNG
1
authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat
down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed
two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little
while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or
why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, 'What's
going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by
and asked them what they were doing?
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't
have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid
the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few
measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the bloody height, and she
gives us the length.
MOTORCYCLES
FOREVER YOUNG
2
Tony’s,
50 ways to save your life
1. Assume you’re invisible. Because to a lot of drivers, you are. Never make a move based on
the assumption that another driver sees you, even if you’ve just made eye contact. Bikes
don’t always register in the four-wheel mind.
2.
Be considerate. The consequences of strafing the jerk du jour or cutting him off start out
bad and get worse. Pretend it was your grandma and think again.
3.
Dress for the crash, not the pool or the prom. Sure, Joaquin’s Tacos is a 5-minute trip, but
nobody plans to eat pavement. 100-degree heat is no excuse for a T-shirt and board
shorts.
4.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Assume that car across the intersection will turn
across your bow when the light goes green, with or without a turn signal.
5.
Leave your ego at home. The only people who really care if you were faster on the freeway
will be the officer and the judge.
6.
Pay attention. Yes, there is a half-naked girl on the billboard. That shock does feel squishy.
Meanwhile, you could be drifting toward Big Trouble. Focus.
7.
Mirrors only show you part of the picture. Never change direction without turning your
head to make sure the coast really is clear.
8.
Be patient. Always take another second or three before you pull out to pass, ride away
from a curb or into freeway traffic from an on-ramp. It’s what you don’t see that gets you.
That extra look could save your butt.
9.
Watch your closing speed. Passing cars at twice their speed or changing lanes to shoot
past a row of stopped cars is just asking for trouble.
10.
Beware the verge and the merge. A lot of nasty surprises end up on the sides of the road:
empty McDonald’s bags, nails TV antennas, ladders, you name it. Watch for potentially
troublesome debris on both sides of the road.
11.
Right turning cars remain a leading killer of motorcyclists. Don’t assume someone will wait
for you to dart through the intersection. They’re trying to beat the light, too.
12.
Beware of cars running traffic lights. The first few seconds after a traffic light changes are
the most perilous. Look both ways before barging into an intersection.
13.
Check your mirrors. Do it every time you change lanes, slow down or stop. Be ready to
move if another vehicle is about to occupy the space you’d planned to use.
14.
Mind the gap. Remember Driver’s Ed? One second’s worth of distance per 10 MPH is the
old rule of thumb. Better still, scan the next 12 seconds ahead for potential trouble.
15.
Beware of tuner cars. They’re quick and their drivers tend to be aggressive. Don’t assume
you’ve beaten one away from a light or outpaced it in traffic and change lanes without
looking. You could end up as a Nissan hood ornament.
16.
Excessive entrance speed hurts. It’s the leading cause of single-bike accidents on twisty
roads and racetracks. In Slow, Out Fast is the old adage, and it still works. Dialling up
corner speed is safer than scrubbing it off.
17.
Don’t trust that deer whistle. Ungulates and other feral beasts prowl at dawn and dusk, so
heed those big yellow signs. If you’re riding in a target-rich environment, slow down and
FOREVER YOUNG
3
watch the shoulders.
18.
Learn to use both brakes. The front does most of your stopping, but a little rear brake on
corner entry can calm a nervous chassis.
19.
Keep the front brake covered – always. Save a single second of reaction time at 60mph
and you can stop 88 feet shorter. Think about that.
20.
Look where you want to go. Use the miracle of target fixation to your advantage. The
motorcycle goes where you look, so focus on the solution instead of the problem.
21.
Keep your eyes moving. Traffic is always shifting, so keep scanning for potential trouble.
Don’t lock your eyes on any one thing for too long unless you’re actually dealing with
trouble.
22.
Think before you act. Careful whipping around that Camry going 7mph in a 25mph zone or
you could end up with your head in the driver’s side door when he turns into the driveway
right in front of you.
23.
Raise your gaze. It’s too late to do anything about the 20 feet immediately in front of you,
so scan the road far enough ahead to see trouble and change trajectory.
24.
Get your mind right in the driveway. Most accidents happen during the first 15 minutes of
a ride, below 40mph, near an intersection or driveway. Yes, that could be your driveway.
25.
Come to a full stop at that next stop sign. Put a foot down. Look again. Anything less
forces a snap decision with no time to spot potential trouble.
26.
Never dive into a gap in stalled traffic. Cars may have stopped for a reason, and you may
not be able to see why until it’s too late to do anything about it.
27.
Don’t saddle up more than you can handle. If you weigh 95 pounds, avoid that 795-pound
cruiser. If you’re 5-foot-5, forget those towering adventure tourers.
28.
Watch for car doors opening in traffic. And smacking a car that’s swerving around some
goofball’s open door is just as painful.
29.
Don’t get in an intersection rut. Watch for a two-way stop after a string of four-way
intersections. If you expect cross traffic to stop, there could be a painful surprise when it
doesn’t.
30.
Stay in your comfort zone when you’re with a group. Riding over your head is a good way
to end up in the ditch. Any bunch worth riding with will have a rendezvous point where
you’ll be able to link up again.
31.
Give your eyes some time to adjust. A minute or two of low light heading from a welllighted garage onto dark streets is a good thing. Otherwise, you’re essentially flying blind
for the first mile or so.
32.
Master the slow U-turn. Practice. Park your butt on the outside of the seat and lean the
bike into the turn, using your body as a counterweight as you pivot around
the rear wheel.
33.
Who put a stop sign at the top of that hill? Don’t panic. Use the rear brake to keep from
rolling back down. Use Mr. Throttle and Mr. Clutch normally – and smoothly – to pull
away.
34.
If it looks slippery, assume it is. A patch of suspicious pavement could be just about
anything. Butter flavour Crisco? Gravel? Mobil 1? Or maybe it’s nothing. Better to slow
down for nothing than go on your head.
35.
Bang! A blowout! Now what? No sudden moves. The motorcycle isn’t happy, so be
prepared to apply a little calming muscle to maintain course. Ease back the
FOREVER YOUNG
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throttle, brake gingerly with the good wheel and pull over very smoothly to the shoulder.
Big sigh.
36.
Drops on the face shield? It’s raining. Lightly misted pavement can be slipperier than when
it’s been rinsed by a downpour, and you never know how much grip there is. Apply
maximum-level concentration, caution and smoothness.
37.
Emotions in check? To paraphrase Mr. Ice Cube, chickity-check yourself before you wreck
yourself. Emotions are as powerful as any drug, so take inventory every time you saddle
up. If you’re mad, sad, exhausted or anxious, stay put.
38.
Wear good stuff. Wear stuff that fits you and the weather. If you’re too hot or too cold or
fighting with a jacket that binds across the shoulders, you’re dangerous. It’s that simple.
39.
Leave the iPod at home. You won’t hear that cement truck in time with Spinal Tap cranked
to 11, but they might like your headphones in intensive care.
40.
Learn to swerve. Be able to do two tight turns in quick succession. Flick left around the
bag of briquettes, then right back to your original trajectory. The bike will follow your eyes,
so look at the way around, not the briquettes. Now practice till it’s a reflex.
41.
Be smooth at slow speeds. Take some angst out, especially of slow speed manoeuvres,
with a bit of rear brake. It adds a welcome bit of stability by minimizing unwelcome
weight transfer and potentially bothersome driveline lash.
42.
Flashing is good for you. Turn signals get your attention by flashing, right? So a few easy
taps on the pedal or lever before stopping makes your brake light more eye-catching to
trailing traffic.
43.
Intersections are scary, so hedge your bets. Put another vehicle between your bike and the
possibility of someone running the stop sign/red light on your right and you cut your
chances of getting nailed in half.
44.
Tune your peripheral vision. Pick a point near the center of that wall over there. Now scan
as far as you can by moving your attention, not your gaze. The more you can see without
turning your head, the sooner you can react to trouble.
45.
All alone at a light that won’t turn green? Put as much motorcycle as possible directly
above the sensor wire--usually buried in the pavement beneath you and located by a
round or square pattern behind the limit line. If the light still won’t change, try putting
your kickstand down, right on the wire. You should be on your way in seconds.
46.
Everything is harder to see after dark. Adjust your headlights, carry a clear face shield and
have your game all the way on after dark, especially during commuter hours.
47.
Don’t troll next to--or right behind--Mr. Peterbuilt. If one of those 18 re-treads blows up-which they do with some regularity--it de-treads, and that can be ugly. Unless you like
dodging huge chunks of flying rubber, keep your distance.
48.
Take the panic out of panic stops. Develop an intimate relationship with your front brake.
Seek out some safe, open pavement. Starting slowly, find that fine line between maximum
braking and a locked wheel, and then do it again, and again.
49.
Make your tires right. None of this stuff matters unless your skins are
right. Don’t take ‘em for granted. Make sure pressure is spot-on
every time you ride. Check for cuts, nails and other junk they might
have picked up, as well as general wear.
Take a deep breath. Count to 10. Visualize whirled peas. Forgetting some
clown’s 80-mph indiscretion beats running the risk of ruining your life, or
ending it
FOREVER YOUNG
5
Marthinus and Leiza out for
a Sunday ride in 1932.
(Nice stockings Marthinus.)
Kind of Ironic!
This is a Malaysian Airlines
Advertisement from two years ago.
Looks like they could predict the future.
FOREVER YOUNG
6
Do you remember the old-time Jewish comedians - Shecky
Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and
others? You may have only heard of them, but don't we all miss their kind
of humour? Not a single swear word in their comic routines:
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The
man says, "I make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill
me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less
than my wife does.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead
Sea .
* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was
the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
* She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the
doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs Cohen saying, "Mrs Cohen, your cheque came back." Mrs
Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I
stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer it!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for
drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food
so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled
backward is Not Now.
*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition,
the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
FOREVER YOUNG
7
Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A : They never let anyone
finish a sentence.
Q : What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A : Facing Bloomingdale's.
* A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the
mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said,
"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you
eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full
in case you should call."
* A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for
dinner - Take it or leave it.
* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has
a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play
the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go
back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A :
Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A : (Sigh) "Don't
bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
*Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the
next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already?
Didn't you like the blue one?"
*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and
said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A : Eventually,
the Rottweiler lets go.
Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised? A : Because Jewish women don't like anything
that isn't 20% off.
FOREVER YOUNG
8
Life’s Like That
1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair
but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I
did............. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.
3. Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm
50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop
before you're banned from teaching altogether."
5. The cost of living has now become so bad that my wife is having sex with
me again....... -because she can't afford batteries.
6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says,
"How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the
ironing is piling up!"
“It’s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you
realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using,
“violence. "
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond
when he used the word "manyana".
Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next
day, maybe the day after that. Or perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who
really cares?"
The host turned to Mr. Sipho Msondtlwana from South Africa who was also on the
show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in his native language.
He replied: "In Xhosa we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."
FOREVER YOUNG
9
Jannie se ma vra vir hom om sy Pa te bel en te vra hoe laat hy huis toe kom van golf af.
Jannie bel en sê agterna vir sy Ma: "Daar's 'n vrou wat sê hy kannie nou praat nie!"
Later kom Pappa by die huis en Mamma gee hom 'n m@#rse klap. Pappa vra heel
verbaas: "Wat de hel was dit voor?"
Mamma sê vir Jannie: "Sê PRESIES vir jou Pa wat die vrou gesê het toe jy gebel het!"
Jannie: "THE SUBSCRIBER YOU HAVE DIALED IS NOT AVAILABLE AT
PRESENT - PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER."
The way they do it in Australia!!!!!!!!
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local
supermarket. I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was
filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over
and leaned in my passenger window, her bra-less tits nigh on falling out her skimpy top,
and said in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested
in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
A man walks into a doctors consulting room with celery stalks in his ears, carrots up
his nose and a banana stuck in his eye. The nurse on duty takes one look and
screams out, “Doctor – quickly! This man isn’t eating properly!”
The Irish Hooker
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a
woman lurking in the shadows. 'Twenty dollars,” she whispers.
Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a
couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a
police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!
FOREVER YOUNG
10
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD
GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP
SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A
HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND
CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute)
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS
ARE BLIND?
FOREVER YOUNG
11
FOREVER YOUNG
12
June
May
1st-4th Africa Bike Week, Margate.
2nd-4th Straw dogs Rally,
9th-11th National Rally Durban.
9th-11th Bulldog Rally, Kei Mouth.
13th-15th Whale Rally, Plettenberg
Bay at Keurbooms Lagoon Caravan
Park. Mags 083 329 0537.
27th-29th Doobie Rally, Port St
Johns. Ricardo 083 726 3806.
30-31st Fish Rally, Port Alfred. Jenny
084 829 7591
FOREVER YOUNG
13
CLUB NIGHTS
January 2014
Su
Mo
Tu
5
12
19
26
6
13
20
27
7
14
21
28
Su
Mo
6
13
20
27
7
14
21
28
Su
Mo
6
13
20
27
7
14
21
28
Su
Mo
Tu
5
12
19
26
6
13
20
27
7
14
21
28
We
1
8
15
22
29
Th
2
9
16
23
30
February 2014
Fr
3
10
17
24
31
Sa
4
11
18
25
Su
Mo
Tu
We
Th
Fr
2
9
16
23
3
10
17
24
4
11
18
25
5
12
19
26
6
13
20
27
7
14
21
28
Fr
4
11
18
25
Sa
5
12
19
26
Su
Mo
Tu
We
4
11
18
25
5
12
19
26
6
13
20
27
7
14
21
28
Fr
4
11
18
25
Sa
5
12
19
26
Su
Mo
Tu
We
Th
3
10
17
24
31
4
11
18
25
5
12
19
26
6
13
20
27
7
14
21
28
Fr
3
10
17
24
31
Sa
4
11
18
25
Su
Mo
Tu
We
Th
Fr
2
9
16
23
30
3
10
17
24
4
11
18
25
5
12
19
26
6
13
20
27
7
14
21
28
April 2014
Tu
1
8
15
22
29
We
2
9
16
23
30
Th
3
10
17
24
We
2
9
16
23
30
Th
3
10
17
24
31
Th
2
9
16
23
30
Su
Mo
Tu
We
Th
Fr
2
9
16
23
30
3
10
17
24
31
4
11
18
25
5
12
19
26
6
13
20
27
7
14
21
28
Sa
1
8
15
22
29
Th
1
8
15
22
29
Fr
2
9
16
23
30
Sa
3
10
17
24
31
Su
1
8
15
22
29
Mo
2
9
16
23
30
Fr
6
13
20
27
Sa
7
14
21
28
Fr
1
8
15
22
29
Sa
2
9
16
23
30
Su
Mo
1
8
15
22
29
Sa
1
8
15
22
29
Su
June 2014
August 2014
October 2014
We
1
8
15
22
29
Sa
1
8
15
22
May 2014
July 2014
Tu
1
8
15
22
29
March 2014
Tu
3
10
17
24
We
4
11
18
25
Th
5
12
19
26
September 2014
7
14
21
28
November 2014
FOREVER YOUNG
Tu
2
9
16
23
30
We
3
10
17
24
Th
4
11
18
25
Fr
5
12
19
26
Sa
6
13
20
27
December 2014
7
14
21
28
Mo
1
8
15
22
29
Tu
2
9
16
23
30
We
3
10
17
24
31
Th
4
11
18
25
14
Fr
5
12
19
26
Sa
6
13
20
27
MAY
2nd Ray van der Berg (P)
6th Michelle Marshall (G)
7th Richard Nzuza (G)
25th Bernard Davis (P)
28th Louise Vice (G)
Memo to our new and old farts
It is up to you to send me your Birth Dates. It is also up to you to inform me when you
move from (S) silver to (G) Gold and (P) platinum. (I do not have time to cut off your legs
and count the rings.) If you are (P) Platinum, you don’t have to do anything you have
reached the top. Yay!
SURPRISE!
FOREVER YOUNG
15
Hi guys, trust that you are all enjoying the long
weekends. Not much to report back on, so I thought
that I would give you some reading material.
For those of you going to Bike week and the National,
have a lot of fun and ride safe. Oh! a pic or two could
be nice.
Regards,
Ken.
Ulysses Office
E-Mail: [email protected]
Scribe: Ken Heath
Tel: 082 710 2534 for verbal abuse.
‘Disclaimer’
The opinions of the Scribe are not necessarily the product
of a sound mind and do not necessarily reflect the
opinions or values of Ulysses East London or any “Sane”
person!
E-Mail: [email protected] for any
contributions, comments etc. (Please….please …please!!!!)
Lawyers: Legal Wise: “Don’t talk to me, talk to my
Lawyer!”
FOREVER YOUNG
16
FOREVER YOUNG
17
Gov. at it again! R 570 million !!
Krynaauwslust is a 4400 hectare farm near Vrede in the Freestate. The Freestate government
has committed to spend R570 000 000.00 on a dairy farm on Krynaauwslust through a BEE
company named Estina.
Some of the expenses :
* R2.6 million for the gate
* R119 million for the actual dairy buildings
* R2.5 million for spanners and tools
* R6 million for dairy cows, etc etc.
According to a very glossy, drummed up report by the Freestate Premier, Ace Magashule,
Krynaauwslust will deliver 100 000 litres of milk per day out of the 370 dairy cows they
bought. Or to be exact: 270 litres per cow per day. That is BLOODY AMAZIING! Because
that is more than 10 times the average that a dairy cow produces per day.
If you drive to Krynaauwslust right now, you would smell something in the air. It is the
carcasses of cows dying from hunger that are dumped in the ravine on the farm. About 65 are
dead already.
The BEE Company is legit and registered to this address: Block A,
Grayston Ridge Office Park in Sandton.
When you pay a visit this address, you will find some other interesting
people also have offices in that block. Namely:
1. Duduzane Zuma: Our beloved president`s son.
2. Mabengela Pty (Ltd) : Our beloved Gupta family`s company.
3. Thsepo Magashule: Our beloved Freestate Premier`s son.
How much more blatant a reason do you need to impeach him?
FOREVER YOUNG
18
After 20 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded
that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little
better he prevailed. He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
The wife spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put
on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of springwater. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp
and shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the
house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days
and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped
coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take
the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half,
they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors
refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the
smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if
she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the
paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack
everything to take to their new home.........And to spite the ex-wife; they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
FOREVER YOUNG
19
The British government has scrapped the Harrier fleet and on
their farewell formation fly-past over the Houses of Parliament
they gave the government a message.
Lean back a bit from your computer monitor and squint. Seriously ... push your chair back
a couple of feet.
My hat is off to the man who was leading this Squadron.
Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor giving it loads - break dancing, moon walking, back
flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me
and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
FOREVER YOUNG
20
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet
Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie,
into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you
not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact
that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd
like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,
my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet
truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was
trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad
like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I
knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie
moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are
you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock would you say?'
FOREVER YOUNG
21