CONQUERING TOXIC SHAME
Leslie Vernick
Key Point # 1 Shame is a universal emotion, there is no healthy person who
never feels any shame. We’re not going to CONQUER all shame, but what I want
to help you begin to understand is how to conquer is TOXIC shame
Key Point # 2 Normal shame keeps us aware of our humanness and our
limitations.
Normal shame helps us feel humble and dependent on God
Shame is not the same as guilt
As there is normal shame and it serves a purpose, there is normal
guilt and it too serves a purpose.
Normal shame and guilt is one of the big differences between
relatively healthy people and those with character disturbances
who experience far less healthy shame or guilt
Read Genesis 3:10 and then vs 21. When Adam and Eve became
aware of their nakedness - vulnerability, what did God do for them?
Key Point # 3 Toxic Shame has been called by Jean-Paul Sartre a hemorrhage
of the soul. It differs from unhealthy guilt.
Here’s the main differences: Guilt makes you feel like you did
something wrong.
Toxic shame makes you feel like you are something wrong. You
are flawed, inferior, unworthy, defective, and undesirable as a
person.
Key Point # 4 Where does toxic shame originate?
Through the eyes of someone who sees our human needs,
longings, weakness, limitations, vulnerabilities, flaws, and foibles
and mocks us, invalidates us, or rejects us
Key Point # 5 We do whatever we can to escape toxic shame and instead of
running to God we hide, medicate, deny, blame, or get numb.
Key Point # 6 Six things you must do to CONQUER toxic shame
1. Remember when we talked about CONQUERING fear? You have to
face and name your fear instead of run from it or deny it. When the
horrible feeling of shame washes over you, you’ll recognize it by the
harsh inner self-talk you will start to have -– I’m a loser – I’m flawed,
I’m unworthy - I hate myself, what’s wrong with me, I can’t do anything
right, I deserve to die, I am no good” – name it as toxic shame. Start
there.
2. Next step. The monster (toxic shame) is in the room with you. Instead
of shutting down, attacking someone else, or getting busy or
medicating yourself – do something different.
Practice compassion and empathy for yourself. For example many of
you were mocked, invalidated or rejected over the holidays. You had
longings for family connection and care. It didn’t happen. You can say
to yourself, “Yes, it hurts to want someone to care for you over
Christmas – to reach out and call you or take some time out of their
busy schedule to see how you are doing and it’s sad that it didn't’
happen this year.
But that doesn’t mean you are bad or unworthy.” Or you might say to
yourself, “Yes it hurts that your husband doesn't appreciate you, or
your kids don’t value you right now, but it’s not a statement about you.”
Validate your longing. Embrace the part of you that has been rejected
and that you’re rejecting. For example, “I know you wanted
compassion right now. It’s okay to want that. I know you were angry
right there. It’s okay to feel your anger. That was hurtful.”
Respond to your inner shame monster as if you were a healthy mother
responding to a hurt child who was telling herself lies about why
something happened.
3. Start to re-write the movie in your head. In the video I told the story of a
young girl who accidently stepped on her brother’s hamster, killing it
instantly. She immediately not only felt guilt but deep shame. This
young girl needs to see what happened it in a more truthful way.
“You didn’t know he was loose. You couldn't know – you can’t see
through doors or rooms. No one told you. You are not perfect (God).
Sometimes bad things happen, and we’re sad but that does not mean
we are bad.” This is an example of how a good mother would have
rewritten the hamster story to her shamed daughter. As you rewrite
the story to yourself visualize the new story. Make a movie out of it.
Joseph in the Old Testament did this with his brothers when they were
collapsing into guilt and shame. He told them, – “what you meant for evil,
God actually used for good.”
4. One the best things you can do to CONQUER toxic shame is to get
and build positive and loving support. Remember, toxic shame comes
from the eyes of other’s as they mocked, invalidated, and/or reject you (or
as you think they are doing that). In a supportive environment, our “selves”
need to be heard, we need to be seen without judgment or condemnation.
Sure we may need advice, wisdom, and even correction at times, but
without rejection or contempt.
5. Strengthen your own internal boundaries as well as external
boundaries. We’ve already talked about building better external
boundaries in our CONQUERING boundaries video, but we also need to
build some good boundaries internally.
As I read Proverbs it says in the first chapter that the authors purpose in
writing this book is to teach us wisdom and discipline so that we will have
a prosperous and purposeful life. (Read Proverbs chapter 1).
To gain wisdom we must discipline ourselves against the things that derail
us and keep us stuck in lies, negativity and fear. We are going to take
better care of ourselves. We are going to get enough sleep. Eat better,
exercise. We are going to not allow ourselves to beat ourselves up
anymore just like you are not going to allow your spouse to beat you up
anymore. How you treat you is just as important as how others treat you.
Read Zechariah 3:1-5. What did God do for Joshua’s filthy garments?
Read Revelation 3:17-22. What does Jesus offer you right now?
Read Colossians 1:15-22. Who is Jesus and what does he do for you?
How does he see you? IF that’s true, then there is no condemnation
(shame) Romans 8:1. What does that mean to you?
6. Continue to be kind to yourself as you build new strength.
Give yourself grace – take deep breaths when you start to feel that
defective, inferior, flawed feeling and instead of letting anger at yourself
(or others) get the upper hand – practice breathing, reflecting, observing,
and calming self talk. Practice humility, not self-hatred when you come
against your limitations.
See how that helps you manage situations better and build your ability to
handle more and more difficult things with grace and in CORE strength.