Aftercare...
A Time For Renewal
Acknowledgment
I am extremely grateful for the assistance of everyone who participated in the
development of this Aftercare pamphlet and would like to extend special appreciation to
Hospice of Frederick County. Their commitment and dedication to excellence in the
delivery of compassionate palliative care continues as an inspiration to all.
The information which forms the scientific basis for the material in this packet, and used
by permission, has been derived from the research and experiences accumulated over
many years by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist. He is also the recipient of the Association of Death Education and Counseling’s
Death Educator Award. The section highlighting the 14 principles related to the grief
journey of children was taken from, “A Child’s View of Grief,” written by Dr. Wolfelt.
Additional information relating to the “needs of mourning” can be found in,
“Understanding Grief: Helping yourself Heal”, written by Dr. Wolfelt. We are grateful for
the access and ability to share the results of Dr. Wolfelt’s prestigious efforts.
Note from the Editor:
It has become evident to me in my work with individuals and families that grieving the death of a loved
one can be one of life’s most painful experiences. There are no words that can adequately express the
sorrow which is associated with an individual’s grief. Just as each one of us is unique, so too, is the process
of grieving. In support of our mission to contribute to the health and well-being of residents within our
community, it is my hope that the messages in this pamphlet will be a source of comfort, support, and
affirmation.
Sincerely,
the Rev. Robert E. Steinke, Ph. D.
Director of Pastoral Care
Frederick Memorial Health Care System
400 West Seventh Street
Frederick, Maryland 21701
© Copyright 1996 Robert E. Steinke, Artemas, Pennsylvania 17211; eleventh printing
Printed in the U.S. of America. All rights reserved; with the exception of storage on an in-house electronic storage system for in-house purposes or of
duplicate copies reproduced for in-house use, this publication, or any part thereof, may not be reproduced or transmitted, by any means, without the
written permission of the publisher. For editorial inquiries or other information about the use of these materials, contact: the Rev. Dr. Robert E. Steinke,
Director, Department of Pastoral Care, Frederick Memorial Healthcare System, Inc., Frederick, Maryland 21701; 240-566-3607
The Grief Journey
Someone you love has died. You are beginning a journey that is often frightening, painful and
sometimes lonely. No words, written or spoken, can take away the pain you now feel. We hope,
however, that this packet will bring you some comfort and encouragement as you make a commitment to help yourself reconcile your loss.
Perhaps someone has already said to you, “It just takes time, and you’ll feel better.” Actually,
time alone has very little to do with grief reconciliation. To reconcile, you must be willing to learn
about and understand the grief process and how it will affect you today, tomorrow and forever.
As frightening as this may sound, you will never “get over” your grief. Instead, you will learn to
live with it. This is what is meant by the term “reconciliation.” This does not mean that you will
never be happy again. On the contrary, most bereaved people who have moved toward reconciliation find their lives become just as meaningful in ways they never imagined. If you allow yourself
the time and compassion to mourn, if you truly work through your grief, you too, will reconcile your
grief and go on to find continued meaning in living and loving.
What you may feel
So what can you expect in the weeks and months ahead? It depends. You see, grief is unique for
every person. Also, it may feel different now than it did if someone close to you died in years past.
Just as each relationship is unique, so too is the grief associated with the loss of each relationship.
Grief is never the same twice.
While each grief experience is unique, there are emotions common to each. It is the intensity and
manifested display of these emotions that is individually unique. It will help you to understand some
of these most common emotions associated with grief.
Shock. You may feel dazed and stunned, especially during the time immediately following the
death. This feeling is nature’s way of protecting you from an overwhelming reality. You may
experience heart palpitations, queasiness, stomach pains or dizziness. You may also find yourself
crying hysterically, screaming angrily or even laughing. These behaviors are not necessarily
abnormal and may even help you survive during this extraordinarily difficult time.
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Confusion. After the death of someone you love, you may feel a sense of ongoing confusion.
It’s like being in the middle of a wild, rushing river where you can’t get hold of anything.
Disconnected thoughts race through your mind and you may be unable to complete any tasks. As
part of your confusion, you may also experience a sense of the dead person’s presence or even
have fleeting glimpses of the person across the room. This is not at all unusual. We call this latter
experience a “memory picture.”
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Anxiety. As your head and heart begin to miss the person who died, you may naturally feel
anxious. You may fear that you or others you love will die, too. You may doubt your ability to survive
without the person who died. You may feel anxious about everyday realities, such as work or
finances. You may even panic as you think through the repercussions of the loss.
Anger. Anger and its cousins—hate, blame, terror, resentment, rage and jealousy—are normal
responses to the death of someone loved. With loss comes the desire to protest. Explosive emotions
such as these provide the vehicle to do so. If feelings like these are part of your grief journey, be aware
that you have two avenues for expressing them: outward or inward. The outward avenue leads to reconciliation; the inward avenue does not.
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Guilt. When someone you care about dies, it’s natural to consider the “if-only’s” or “could’ve,
would’ve, should’ves”: “If only I could have died instead.” “If only I would’ve been there to protect
her.” “If only I could’ve provided better care.” “If only I would’ve told him how
much I loved him like I should’ve.” You may also feel guilty if a part of you feels
“ he act of
relief—common after extended illness or as a product of ambivalent relationships.
While these feelings of guilt or regret are natural, they are sometimes not logical to
living is
those around you. But remember—thinking is logical…feeling is not.
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different all
through. Her
absence is like
the sky,
spread all over
everything.”
Sadness. Someone you love has died, and you hurt. The full sense of loss
will not occur all at once. Weeks or often months will pass before you are fully confronted with the depths of your sadness. This slow progression is to your benefit.
Your body, mind and spirit need time working together to allow you to embrace
the depth of your loss. You may find a decreased ability to experience pleasure or
joy, even when doing things that you previously enjoyed. Be patient with yourself.
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You may also experience physiological changes as part of your grief. You may
be shocked by how much your body responds to the impact of your loss. Among
the most common physical responses to loss are trouble with sleeping and low
energy. You may have trouble getting to sleep, or you may wake up in the middle
of the night and have trouble getting back to sleep. You may also find yourself feeling more tired than
usual. You may experience an increase in dreams with even some nightmares.
C.S. Lewis
A Grief Observed
Muscle aches and pains, shortness of breath, feelings of emptiness in your stomach, tightness in
your throat or chest, digestive problems, sensitivity to noise, heart palpitations, queasiness, nausea,
headaches, increased allergic reactions, changes in appetite, weight loss or gain, agitation and generalized tension…all are ways your body may react to the loss of someone loved. The stress of grief
can suppress your immune system and make you more likely to experience physical problems. Good
self-care is important at this time. See your personal physician for specific physical symptoms that
concern you.
Myths about grief
To reconcile your grief, it is helpful to first become aware of and dispel a few common myths about
grief and mourning. Don’t be disappointed with or condemn yourself if you realize you believe in some of
these myths. Instead, make use of any new insights to help you accomplish your work of reconciliation.
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Myth #1: Grief and mourning are the same experience.
The majority of people tend to use the words “grieving” and “mourning” synonymously or interchangeably. An important distinction, however, exists between them. Individuals move toward reconciliation not just by grieving, but through the process of mourning. Simply stated, grief is the
composite of thoughts and feelings about a loss that is experienced internally within an individual. In
contrast, Mourning is when an individual takes the grief being experienced internally on the inside
and express it externally and visibly on the outside. Crying, talking about the deceased person or lost
object, funeral celebrations, attending memorial services, celebrating special anniversary dates, or
engaging in meaningful ritual(s) specifically associated with the loss are examples of mourning.
Some ritualistic expressions of mourning might be the lighting of candles in memory of the lost
object or wearing of special clothing.
After a significant loss, well-intended friends, family, or associates may (through their responses)
encourage an individual to keep their grief to themselves. The results of internalizing the emotions of
grief are that they continue to build pressure within the individual and sooner or later these emotions
must seek some form of release. A catalyst for reconciliation can only be
facilitated when an individual receives encouragement and support necessary
to mourn publicly, and preferably, in the presence of understanding and
“
our body,
caring persons who will not judge. This is not to say that all grieving will or
mind and spirit
must always be done publicly. There are times when being alone with their
need time
grief is very appropriate, but the external expression of grief is necessary for
any forward movement in the grief journey.
working together
Y
Myth #2: The experience of grief and mourning progress in predictable and orderly stages.
to allow you to
embrace the
depth of your
loss.”
The concept of stages was popularized in 1969 with the publication of, On
Death and Dying, by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Many clinicians working with the
bereaved have applied Kubler-Ross’ stages of dying to the process of grieving.
Although there is a legitimate correlation, especially for our understanding of
the dimensions an individual may experience when faced with either death,
itself, or with the death of a loved one, Kubler-Ross never intended anyone to interpret or apply her
stages of dying literally. Readers, however, have frequently done just that.
This type of thinking about dying, grief, and mourning is appealing but inaccurate and frequently
counter-therapeutic. Somehow the notion of stages helps people make sense of death and loss, an
experience that is usually not orderly or predictable. Attempts have been made to replace fear, frustration, and lack of understanding with the security that everyone grieves by going through the same
orderly and predictable stages. Everyone grieves in their own unique way and it is most frequently
an uneven process; a roller coaster with no time line.
Myth #3: Move away from the pain of grief, not toward it.
During ancient times, stoic philosophers encouraged their followers not to mourn believing selfcontrol was the appropriate response to sorrow. Today, well-intentioned, but uninformed, relatives
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and friends continue to carry on this long-held tradition. While the outward expression of grief is a
requirement for healing, to overcome society’s powerful message that encourages repression can be
difficult. Our culture often encourages prematurely moving away from the pain associated with grief
instead of toward it. The result is that too often many bereaved either grieve in isolation or attempt to
run away from their grief through various means of denial or superficial remedy. It is by facing our
pain and traveling through it are we able to embrace a transcendent awareness, learn, and develop
an increased sense of depth in our understanding of the human condition.
Myth #4: Following the death of someone loved, the goal should be to “get over it.”
T
“ oo often
many
bereaved
either grieve
in isolation or
attempt to run
away from
their grief.”
In working with the bereaved, you will frequently hear the question, “Are they
over it yet?” or “When will I ever get over this?” or, even worse, “They should be
over it by now and get on with, their life.” In clinical terms, the final dimension of
grief is often referred to as resolution, recovery, reestablishment or reorganization.
Another term which has meaningful application is reconciliation. It does not mean
“getting over” grief, it means growing through it. Reconciliation is more expressive
of what occurs as a person integrates the new reality of moving forward in their life
without the physical presence of the person who has died or the object which has
been lost to them. Reconciliation is a process and not an event.
As the experience of reconciliation gradually unfolds, so too, does a renewed
sense of energy and confidence. An ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the
death will slowly emerge as-well-as the capacity to become reinvolved with the
activities of living. Beyond an intellectual understanding of the loss the bereaved
will discover an emotional and spiritual understanding. What previously had been
known at the head level will now begin to be understood at the heart level. The pain experienced by
the individual will change from being ever-present, sharp, and stinging to an acknowledgment of the
loss that gives rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose.
Myth #5: Tears and other displays of emotion are only a sign of weakness or dysfunction.
Sometimes the people who care for the bereaved may directly or indirectly try to prevent tears or
other displays of emotion. This is usually done both out of a desire to protect the bereaved and
themselves from protracted feelings of pain. It is not unusual to frequently hear comments like,
“Tears won’t bring them back.” or “He wouldn’t want you to cry or be upset.” Tears of grief and
displays of emotion, in our culture, are often associated with personal inadequacy or weakness.
The capacity to express emotion, including tears, appears to allow for genuine reconciliation.
Actually, crying can be viewed as nature’s way of releasing internal tension in the body, and it communicates the need to be comforted. If you observe closely, you can actually see changes in physical
expression after a visible display of emotion or crying.
Myth #6: Grief is only an emotional reaction.
Grief is manifested in many ways. Frequently grief is made visible in ways simultaneous with the
display of emotion. Hyperactivity or hypoactivity, hypersomnia or insomnia, uncontrolled appetite or
no appetite at all are just a few of the examples of different responses to the experience of grief.
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Myth #7: We only grieve losses associated with death.
The experience of grief occurs in response to all losses, not just those occurring because of death.
Even the grief associated with death is impregnated with multiple losses. Every relationship has many
dimensions or roles which fulfill many needs of those within the relationship. Each dimension or role
specifically related to the deceased individual is now lost to the bereaved and subject to their grief. If
these losses go unrecognized and grieved, complications may arise in the overall grieving process or
grief journey of the bereaved. An example of these types of losses may be loss of financial security,
loss of social status, loss of a best friend as well as spouse. It has been said, to experience the death
of a child is to lose an aspect of our future and the sense of hope associated with children; to
experience the death of a spouse is to lose an aspect of our present and the stability and wholeness
associated with an intimate; and, to experience the death of a parent(s) is to lose an aspect of our
past and the sense of anchoring they provided.
Myth #8: Grieving or reconciling our grief necessitates detachment.
We never fully detach and to be pressured into believing we must can only add to the magnitude
and the pain of the loss. Every relationship engages in acts that force or establish indelible imprints
upon the hearts of all who participate in that relationship. This imprint remains in some form for the
remainder of the bereaved’s life. To negate or deny this is to actually attempt to deny a sense of the
bereaved’s own personhood. The adjustment that grieving necessitates is to
learn how to continue in relationship with the deceased without the reality of
their physical presence. The bereaved can accomplish this through the
“ he bereaved
recovery and maintenance of memories. When someone you love becomes a
need oppormemory, that memory becomes a treasure can be more than a warm and
tunities to share
thoughtfully provoking philosophical aphorism, it can be the mechanism by
which we remain attached and validated in the continuing relationship with the
their memories
deceased.
T
Myth #9: Grievers or the bereaved are best left alone.
and grief, and to
receive support
from others.”
The bereaved need opportunities to share their memories and grief, and to
receive and give support to others. A strong tendency on the part of all who are
in a state of grieving is to withdraw and become isolated. Although there is an
appropriate and healthy aspect found in experiencing our deceased loved ones in the solitude, privacy,
and intimacy of our own hearts, grief left unprocessed and meaningfully shared can turn against the
bereaved. This is one of the signs for which to look, alerting us to possible complications on the part of
the bereaved. Human beings function best in relationship. This includes relationship during the
perceived worst times as well as the best times. Actually, it can be said that the most acutely painful
aspects of the grief experience are those that are incurred narcissistically or selfishly. It is through turning
our attention outward and transcending our sense of self that we are able to begin a healthy journey
toward reconciliation.
Myth #10: Grief finally ends.
Grieving the loss of or access to the physical presence of loved ones never truly ends. Over time
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M
most learn to reconcile their losses and continue living fully and healthily the remainder of their lives.
This is usually accomplished when the bereaved learns how to continue in a relationship with the
deceased loved one through healthy utilization of the treasure trove of memories most relationships
accumulate. Occasionally, relationships are conflicted and rather than treasures the memories are
more like scars. When this is the case, forgiveness becomes an essential ingredient to be applied as a
soothing balm or salve. Just as scars cannot be erased or denied, so too painful memories cannot be
effectively erased or denied. Forgiveness enables us to achieve a sense of release
and be set free from the power and pain with which they otherwise enshroud or
ourning
entrap us.
“
in our culture
isn’t always
easy. Most
people try to
avoid pain and
other feelings
of loss.”
Helping Yourself Reconcile the Loss
Mourning in our culture isn’t always easy. Most people try to avoid pain and
other feelings of loss. Why? Because the role of suffering is misunderstood.
Normal thoughts and feelings connected to loss are typically seen as unnecessary
and sometimes shameful. Society wrongly implies that if you, as a bereaved
person, openly express your feelings of grief, you are immature and/or out-ofcontrol. If your feelings are fairly intense, you may be labeled “overly emotional”
or “neurotic” or otherwise “maladjusted.” Instead of encouraging you to express
yourself, our culture’s unstated rules would have you avoid your hurt and “be
strong.”
If you take these grief-repressive messages to heart, you may become powerless to help yourself.
To think that mourning is wrong may tempt you to act as if you feel better than you actually feel.
Ultimately, if you deny your emotions, you deny the very essence of life.
To reconcile in grief, it will help to acknowledge that you are not a “patient” who needs someone
to do something to make you feel better. Grief is not a disease. Instead, it is the normal, healthy
process of reconciliation associated with the death of someone. And while no “treatment” exists for
what you are feeling, if you can see yourself as an active participant in the reconciliation process,
you will experience a renewed sense of meaning, purpose and stability in your life.
The Reconciliation Needs of Mourning
While your grief journey will be unique, all mourners have certain needs in common, that must
be met if they are to be successful in their personal reconciliation process.
We call six of the most central of these “The Reconciliation Needs of Mourning.” Though these
needs are numbered one through six, they are not to be interpreted as steps to be followed in an
orderly fashion. Instead, you will probably find yourself bouncing back and forth from one to the
other, and maybe even working on two or more simultaneously.
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Need 1: Acknowledge the reality of the death.
Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may take
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weeks or months. You may move back and forth between protesting against the reality of the death
and encountering or facing the reality of the death. You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death and confronting memories, both good and bad. It’s as if each time you talk
about it, the event is a little more real.
Need 2: Move toward the pain of the loss.
Expressing your thoughts and feelings about the death with all of their intensity is a difficult but
important need. You will probably discover that you need to “ration the pain” and thus protect
yourself. In other words, it may not be possible or even beneficial to experience everything all at
once. We encourage you to move toward the pain, but move slowly. Learn to recognize your own
limitations. This may mean telling people, “I just don’t feel like talking right now.”
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Need 3: Continue the relationship with the person who died.
Continuing a relationship with the person who died is extremely important to the reconciliation
process. This may sound strange to you now, but you will actually continue in relationship with
loved ones who are now deceased. You accomplish this through memory. We like to refer to this as
engaging in “memory embraces.” Embracing your memories, both happy and sad, can be a very
slow and, at times, painful process. A process that may occur in small steps. But when someone you
love becomes a memory…that memory becomes a treasure. A treasure of infinite value and makes
hoping for the future possible.
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Need 4: Develop a new self-identity.
Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have created with other people. When
someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity naturally changes and not all of
the changes are negative. Many people discover that as they move forward in
their grief journey, they find that some aspects of their self-identity have been
“ mbracing
positively changed. You may feel more confident, for example, or more open to
life’s challenges. It will help to adjust your thinking so as to enable you to focus
your memories–
on the positive aspects of your life. You can do this without fear of erasing
both happy and
memories or forgetting the deceased. On the contrary, focusing on the positive
sad–can be a
aspects of your life and new identity frees you from the pressure to escape from
the debilitating pain associated with the loss. This enables you to begin feeling a
very slow and,
sense of pleasure with your memories and a strong desire for memory recall
at times, painful
and retention.
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process…”
Need 5: Search for meaning.
When someone you love dies, it’s not unnatural or abnormal for you to
question the very meaning and purpose of life. Coming to terms with those questions is another
need you must meet if you are to progress in your grief journey. Move at your own pace and you
will soon recognize that by allowing yourself to hurt you will find a renewed sense of meaning and
purpose in your life as reconciliation occurs.
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Need 6: Continue to receive support from others.
You will never stop needing the love and support of others because you never “get over” your
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grief. As you learn to reconcile your grief, however, you will need the help less intensely and less
often. It is like moving back and forth between “intensive-care” and “intensive-care.” But, you will
always benefit from friends and family members who listen and support you in your continuing grief
journey. Fellowship and support groups can be another beneficial resource.
Reaching out for help
Reconciliation also requires the support and understanding of those around you as you embrace
the pain of your loss.
Perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself at this difficult time is to reach out
for help from others. Think of it this way: grieving may be the hardest work you have ever
done…but hard work is less burdensome when others lend a hand. Life’s greatest challenges—
getting through school, maintaining a marriage, raising children, pursuing a career—are in many
ways team efforts. So it should be with mourning.
G
“… rieving
may be the
hardest work you
have ever done.,
but hard work is
less burdensome
when others lend
a hand.”
Friends and family members can often form the core of your support
system. However, they need not be your only source for support. Seek out
people who encourage you to be yourself and who acknowledge your many
thoughts and feelings about the death. What can help now are caring, nonjudgmental listeners.
You may also find comfort in talking to a minister, priest, rabbi or other
faith leader. When someone you love dies, it is natural for you to feel
ambivalent about your faith and question the very meaning of life. A faith
leader who responds not with criticism but with empathy can be a valuable
resource.
A professional counselor may also be a very helpful addition to your
support system. In fact, a good counselor can be something friends and
family members have difficulty being…an objective listener. A counselor’s
office can be that safe haven where you can “let go” of those feelings you’re afraid to express
elsewhere. What’s more, a good counselor will then help you to constructively channel those
emotions.
For many grieving people, fellowship and support groups are one of the best helping resources. In
a group, you can connect with others who have experienced and are experiencing similar thoughts
and feelings. You will be allowed and gently encouraged to talk about the person who died as much
and as often as you like. Or just be present and bask in the warmth of understanding fellowship
without having to say anything. A grief journey, like any other journey, is often more comfortably
experienced while in the presence of other like-minded people.
Remember, help comes in different forms for different people. The challenge is to find the right
combination that works best for you…and then make use of it. Please know we are always here and
we care!
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Reconciliation Through the Eyes of an Adult
The following are 10 principles related to the grief journey of adults. Each principle is paraphrased in the voice of one who is either beginning or in the midst of their grief leading them on
their journey toward reconciliation.
1. I am not strong, I just feel numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don’t see me as
who I am or understand what I am going through.
2. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I’m not sick. I’m grieving and that’s different than
coming down with a cold or case of the flu. I will not always be grieving
as intensely, but I will never forget or ‘get over’ my loved one. Rather
ost of all,
than recover, I want to learn how to reconcile my loved one’s life and
love, meaningfully, into the remainder of my life. That person is part of
want and need
me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and
your unconother times with a tear. Both are okay.
“M
3. I may struggle with accepting the death and this does not mean I am in a
‘state of denial’. Yes, I know I have to understand that my loved one has
died and their death is real and it is permanent, but there are just some
things in life that are more difficult to accept. I may need time to reconcile
the death, especially throughout all the same dimensions that my loved
one’s life was interlaced with my own.
I
ditional love,
compassion,
understanding,
and patience.”
4. Please don’t avoid me. You can’t catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too
afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared
about. If you don’t know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and
gently say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” You can even say, “ I just don’t know what to say, but I
care, and want you to know that.”
5. Please don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.” I’ll never call you because I have no idea
what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So,
in advance, let me give you some ideas:
a. Bring food.
b. Offer to take my children to a movie or game so that I have some moments to myself.
c. Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays (mine, his or hers), or the anniversary of
the death, and be sure and mention her name. You can’t make me cry. The tears are
here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone
cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
d. Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may say “no” at first
or even for a while, but please don’t give up on me because somewhere down the line, I
may be ready, and if you’ve given up, then I really will be alone.
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6. Try to understand that this is like I’m in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language and
have no firm set of instructions to tell me what to do or map to navigate the entanglements of
my grief. Even if there was a map, I’m not sure right now I could even understand what it was
saying. I feel lost and in a fog. I’m confused.
7. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad
enough that my loved one is dead, so please don’t make it worse by telling me I’m not doing
this right.
8. Please don’t call to complain about your parents, your husband, your wife, or your children.
Right now, real or not, I feel I'd be delighted to have my loved one here no matter what they
were doing.
9. Please don’t tell me I can have other children or need to start dating again. I’m not ready. And
maybe I don’t want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They
aren’t. Whoever comes after will always be someone different and unique unto themselves.
10. I don’t even understand what you mean when you say, “You’ve got to get on with your life.”
My life is going on, but it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I
never will be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know, that with
your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there
will always be times that I cry. Most of all, I want and need your unconditional love, compassion, understanding, and patience.
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Grief & Mourning
Reconciliation Through the Eyes of a Child
“When someone we love
becomes a memory,
That memory…
becomes a treasure.”
the Rev. Robert E. Steinke
The Grief Journey with Children
As adults, most of us wish to spare children the difficulty of going through the painful grieving
process. Often parents of young children say their children aren’t affected by a loss in the family
because “they are too young to understand.” On the contrary, children do understand. Children
respond to the death of a loved one in different ways. Each response is unique. As adults, we can
better serve the grieving needs of our children if we allow them to be the teacher. In so doing, we
allow them to share with us their personal journeys through grief.
The following are 14 principles related to the grief journey of children. Following each principle
are comments, paraphrased in the voice of a child talking to an adult.
1. Allow children to be the teachers about their grief journeys.
“If you assume you know all about my grief, it’s like you don’t respect me. The love I had for the
person who died was very special and not like anybody else’s. And I’m
different, too. Nobody else is like me.
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“It’s all right if you try to understand how I feel, but please don’t tell me
you know just how I feel, because you don’t. All I need is for you to help me
find ways to tell you how I feel and for you to really listen to me.”
2. Don’t assume every child in a certain age group understands
death the same way or has the same feelings.
“Listen to us and learn from us. Let us be different, even from other kids
our own age, in our feelings and understanding.
■
A
“
dults need
to remember that
physical
development
doesn’t always
include emotional
maturity.”
“After all, we come from different kinds of homes and have different kinds
of teachers in different schools. Some of us have parents who pay attention to
us, and some of us don’t. In some families, there are traditions about how
death and grief should be handled. Some of our attitudes have been shaped by those traditions.
Some of us are quiet and shy, and some of us talk all the time. Some kids learn faster that others
and can remember better. Some kids are scared about death; others just think it’s kind of interesting.
“Kids usually understand that grown-ups in their lives are just trying to protect them from hurt.
We like that love; but that kind of protection doesn’t really help us for very long. Besides, we know
you’re really trying to protect yourselves, too, when you shut us out of what’s going on. Then, we
just feel even more confused and alone. And maybe even more afraid, too.”
3. Healing in grief is a process, not an event.
“It isn’t enough just to tell me that someone I love has died. I need a lot more than that. I really
need to have you understand that it will take a long time for me to grieve, and sometimes I will get
very tired.
■
“A lot of adults seem to be telling me to hurry up and get over it, and they want me to be strong;
13
but I really feel so weak. I just seem to know inside that I will have to face this pain before I can really
heal.
“I guess in time I’ll be able to accept my life without the person I loved, but I’ll never be quite the
same as before. It will help me if you’ll be patient and let me do that. I need your help to go on in
my life, to continue to grow up and find out what my own directions in life should be. After all, you
grown-ups don’t get over your own grief either, even if you sometimes try to fool yourselves into
thinking you do.”
4. Don’t lie or tell half-truths to children!
“When you lie to me, or tell me only part of the truth, it makes me feel unloved. When you said,
‘Grandpa went away on a journey,’ I guess you were trying to protect me, but I was confused.
Nobody gets that sad because someone went on a trip. Sometimes you don’t give us credit for being
smart enough or strong enough. We can almost always cope with what we know; it’s trying to handle
what we don’t know that’s the big problem.
■
R
“
eassurance
comes from the
presence of loving
people. Be
prepared to reach
out and cradle them
either physically or
emotionally with
your empathic
presence.”
“If you fib to us, we fill in the empty places with our own ideas. We
make up stories to fill in the blanks, and we can think up things that are a
whole lot worse than the truth.
“Besides, hiding things from us makes us feel like we’ve been bad or
that we’ve done something wrong. It also teaches us it’s okay not to be
honest all the time. So, please tell us the truth, and we’ll be honest with
you, too.”
5. Don’t wait for one big tell-all to begin to help children
understand death.
“Grown-ups sometimes think kids should reach some magic age before
they can teach us anything about death. Well, there isn’t any magic age.
Actually, we go through losses all the time: friends move away, pets die,
teachers and classmates change, sometimes parents get divorced. It’s not
that we don’t understand that loss and change will happen, it’s just that
we’d rather have the adults we love and trust walk through these experiences with us rather than feel like we have to go through them all alone.
Death is a part of life and I’m curious about it. Please teach me.”
■
6. Encourage children to ask questions about death.
“When somebody we love dies, grown-ups need to be open, honest and loving. Please be patient
with us when we ask you questions that may not seem important. Remember, our minds don’t work
the same as yours. Our questions may seem strange, but they are honest. We need to know the
answers. When you do answer us, please try to use words we can understand. It’s hard for us to
make pictures in our minds of things we’ve never seen.
■
“Don’t worry if you don’t have all the answers. It’s more important for you to treat our questions
with the same respect that you would another adult’s than it is for you to know all the right answers.
14
“We might ask the same questions over and over again. That’s natural for us. We can’t understand
all of it the first time, so every time we ask and you answer, we understand more and more.”
7. Don’t assume that children always grieve in some kind of orderly and predictable
way.
“We listen to adults talking about the way they handle grief, but the way we feel and talk about
our grief can change from day to day. Sometimes, when you don’t understand us, you say, ‘They are
in such-and-such a stage.’ But, it’s just not that simple. Don’t try to get us to some other ‘stage’ or
something. Just let us be where we are.
■
“You need to remember that no two of us are alike; each of us is
different and special, even if we come from the same family. If you try to
push us into the “stage” you think we should be in, we probably won’t like
you very much. maybe you could just follow our lead and let us teach you
where we are in our grief. If you could just accept where we are, it would be
better.”
8. Let children know that you really want to understand.
“Please let us know that you really care about our feelings. Some adults
say they feel sorry for us, but that’s not what we need.
■
“We want you to take us seriously enough to let us teach you about our
grief. We want you to feel that our thoughts and feelings are important
enough for you to want to learn from us. In other words, we want your
respect. We need to share our grief without fear of being criticized or
abandoned.
I
“ t is sometimes
difficult to
determine whether
a child’s grief is a
reaction to the loss
or a mirroring of
the grief of those
adults surrounding
them.”
“We are sensitive about who really cares and who doesn’t. A lot of what we feel from you comes
from other than words. Your voice and eye contact are important.”
9. Don’t misunderstand what may seem to be a lack of feelings when a loved one
dies.
“Sometimes we hurt so much that we don’t want to believe someone has died. If we pretend it
hasn’t happened, then maybe it didn’t. This doesn’t mean we didn’t love the person, it just means we
can’t absorb all the pain at once.
■
“There is a difference between what we know in our heads and in what we know in our hearts.
The shock of learning about the death of someone we loved is hard. Maybe it’s nature’s way of protecting us by letting us shut part of it out for a while.
“Sometimes we might go out and play after we learn about the death. Some adults think we are
not grieving because we are trying to have fun. Usually, we are just trying to play so it doesn’t hurt so
much.
“Sometimes adults think we should cry and show our grief all the time. Sometimes, they try to
force us to show feelings when we are trying not to feel. Please don’t make us hurt so much. We
15
need understanding, not pressure.”
10. Don’t forget about the concept of magical thinking.
“Sometimes we kids believe that our thoughts can cause things to happen. Most of us have had
times when we wished people around us would go away and leave us alone. Then, when someone
dies, we often think we caused it to happen because of something we did, thought or said.
■
“We might blame ourselves for all sorts of stuff we had nothing to do with. Some of us even feel
totally responsible for the death, but we can’t say anything to anybody about how we feel.
“Talk to us at our level about how the person died. Help us understand that being angry or upset
with someone doesn’t make him or her die. Even assure us that it was nothing we did that caused
the person to die.”
11. Remember that feeling relief doesn’t mean a lack of love.
“The person in our lives who died may have been sick a long time. All of our family time seemed
to center around the person who was sick. So when that person died, part of us might have been
relieved. But just because kids like to have some attention too, please don’t think that we didn’t love
them. We loved them a lot.
■
G
“Some adults can’t seem to let us talk about these feelings of relief. If we can’t talk about our
feelings, we sometimes feel guilty for having them. Let us know it’s okay to feel
this way.”
“… rief is a
normal
expression of
love for the
person who
has died.”
12. Realize that children’s bodies react when they experience grief.
“Our bodies seem to talk to us, sometimes. Especially when sad things
happen, like when someone dies.
■
“When our heads and hearts don’t feel good, our bodies don’t feel good
either. We might feel tired, have tummy aches, sore throats and trouble sleeping.
While these things seem to go away over time, we need you to understand.
“Please don’t just tell us the sickness is all in our heads. After all, we really do
feel sick. We need support and understanding, not judgment.
“You will also find that if you don’t let us talk out or play out our grief, our bodies will try to keep
telling you what our needs are. We’ve got to have some way of getting our grief outside of ourselves.
If our body problems go on and on, take us to the doctor. Sometimes we really need some
medicine, and even if we don’t, it will probably reassure both you and us.”
13. Don’t feel bad when you can’t give children total understanding about religion
and death.
“We don’t expect you to be able to instantly teach us about faith or religion. You can only share
what you believe. Just keep in mind, we have a tough time understanding ideas that don’t give us
any clear mental pictures.
■
“Just do the best you can to explain religious beliefs in simple words we can understand.
16
Sometimes we may have to get older before we can understand everything, but we like it when you
care enough to try to help us.
“Don’t tell us God needed another ‘good’ person in Heaven, so He took the person we loved. If
you tell us that, we might start being bad so God won’t need us the next time!”
14. Keep in mind that grief is complicated.
“We know that dealing with grief is hard work. As we do this work, please let us know that these
feelings we have are not something to be ashamed of or something to hide. Remind us in a kind way
that grief is a normal expression of love for the person who has died.
■
“With your love, compassion and understanding, we can all learn from each other. With your
help, we can make the experience of grief a valuable time. And thank you for caring. P.S. We love
you!”
17
“ The mystery of suffering is
found by looking not to the past . . .
but to the future.”
the Rev. Dr. Robert Steinke
Selected Reading List
The following books have been helpful to many bereaved people.
■
Caine, L.
Widow.
New York, NY: Bantam, 1975.
■
Schiff, H.
The Bereaved Parent.
New York, NY: Crown Publishers, 1977.
■
Cusak, O.
Pets and the Elderly.
New York, NY: Haworth Press, 1983.
■
■
Donnelly, K.
Recovering From the Loss of a Child.
New York, NY: Macmillan, 1982.
Tangvald, C.
Someone I Love Died.
Elgin, IL: David C. Cook Publishing,
1988.
■
Grollman, E.
Living When a Loved One Has Died.
Boston, MA: Beacon, Press, 1977.
Vredevelt, P.
Empty Arms.
Sisters, OR: Multnomah Press, 1984.
■
Wolfelt, A.
Understanding Grief: Helping Yourself
Heal.
Muncie, IN: Accelerated Development,
1992.
■
Wolfelt, A.
Helping Children Cope with Grief.
Bristol, PA: Accelerated Development,
1983.
■
Woodson, M.
The Toughest Days of Grief.
Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing,
1994.
■
■
Hewett, J.
After Suicide.
Philadelphia, PA: The Westminster Press,
1980.
■
Lewis, C.S.
A Grief Observed.
Greenwich, CT: Seabury Press, 1963.
■
Lord, J.
No Time for Goodbyes: Coping with
Sorrow, Anger and Injustice after a Tragic
Death.
Ventura, CA: Pathfinder Publishing,
1987.
■
Miller, J.
What Will Help Me.
Ft. Wayne, IN: Willowgreen Publishing,
1994.
■
Rando, T.A.
Grieving: How to Go On Living When
Someone You Love Dies.
Lexington, MA: Lexington Books, 1988.
19
“We need not walk alone...
We reach out to each other with love and
understanding and with hope...
We come together from all walks of life,
from many different circumstances...
We need not walk alone...”
Credo, The Compassionate Friends
The Grieving Person’s Bill of Rights
Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the
unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain
“rights” no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to help you decide how others can and cannot help. This is
not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from
hurtful ones.
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell you
what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as
you want, about your grief.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey.
Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart.
Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling
you. Get daily rest; eat balanced meals; and, don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience “grief attacks.”
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and
natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of
caring people. More important, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you that rituals such as these are silly or
unnecessary, don’t listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who
understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of
your feelings of hurt and abandonment. Remember, spirituality and religion may be uniquely distinct, one to the other.
Whereas, every individual has an essence of spirituality; some individuals may not be religious. Religion is a person’s
chosen method for the outward and visible expression of his or her inward essence of spirituality.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have
answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was
God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of
ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with
yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that
the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
Provided by:
Department of Pastoral Care
Frederick Memorial Healthcare System
400 West Seventh Street
Frederick, Maryland 21701
240-566-3300
www.fmh.org