THE MEANING OF LIFE
By David Macaray
ACT I
SABRINA stands alone, outside the entrance to a meeting hall. After a few moments,
RICHARD walks up, joins her in line.
RICHARD
(charmingly)
Hey, good-lookin’….
SABRINA
(looks him up and down, answers cautiously)
Hi.
RICHARD
(cheerfully)
How’s it going?
(waits for answer; SABRINA shrugs, says nothing)
(with phony vitality)
So, are you here for the Meaning of Life presentation?
(SABRINA nods, looks away, says nothing)
You are? (in gleeful surprise) Really?? Hey….me too!
SABRINA
(hesitates, feels obliged to state the obvious, flatly)
Why else would I be standing here?
RICHARD
(concedes the point)
Well….that’s true. That’s a valid point.
(over-enthusiastically)
Anyway, here we are, the very first ones in line. (grins obnoxiously) Not too shabby.
That means we’ll get a good seat.
(with phony vitality)
And hey, how’s that old proverb go….It’s the early bird who catches the worm?
(no response, continues, annoyingly cheerful)
Am I right? Isn’t that what they say—that it’s the early bird who gets the worm?
(no response, he fidgets, pauses)
(HE stands back and makes a big deal of observing her)
May I make a personal observation, ma’am?
(SHE shrugs, looks uncomfortable)
(HE gestures to her clothing, speaks rhapsodically)
Let me just say….that shirt you’re wearing? The way those colors commingle?….it’s
beautiful. I mean it. (gushes) It looks amazing on you.
(she appears creeped-out by him)
(5-second pause, HE fidgets, checks his watch, looks around casually)
Wow. Even though it’s still early, I’m surprised. I thought there’d be a lot more people
here. (checks his watch again) I really did. In fact, I thought there’d be a good-size
crowd by now. (looks around, even more concerned, pauses) This is really strange.
(now genuinely concerned, asks her directly)
Why aren’t there more people here? Why do you think that is?
SABRINA
(emphatically)
I have no idea.
RICHARD
(wanders away from the area, looks around suspiciously)
Seriously. I don’t get it. (points to the building) I mean, this is a very large auditorium.
It holds a lot of people. (now almost alarmed) Where the heck is everybody?
SABRINA
Look, I already told you. (emphatically) I don’t know. Okay? So please stop asking.
RICHARD
(apologetically, very politely)
You’re right….I’m sorry. My bad.
(pauses, ramps up the enthusiasm, rubs his hands together)
Well, in any event, here we are….you and me….the first ones in line. Not too shabby.
(no response)
(HE again steps back, studies her clothing, speaks with phony vitality)
And let me just say again, ma’am….that outfit you’re wearing? (gawks) It rocks my
world. (leans in, studies it) I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a shade of blue quite like that.
(fascinated) What would you call that? Peacock? Cobalt?
(she shrugs, hoping he’ll shut up)
Aquamarine? Cerulean?
(no response, continues, maintains his enthusiasm)
Also, ma’am, let me say that you have a lovely complexion. I mean it. The way those
colors blend together, the way they commingle….it makes your….(gestures to his own
neck)….your flesh….look very healthy.
(a 5-second pause; he fidgets, checks his watch, speaks casually)
Um….may I ask what time you have?
SABRINA
(wearily checks her watch)
12:40.
RICHARD
12:40? Really? (checks his watch again) Okay. Well….I’ve got 12:42.
(speaks in an exaggerated, culturally insensitive Charlie Chan accent)
Confucius say, “Man with one watch always know what time it is. Man with two
watches never sure”
(expansively, in his normal voice, proud of his observation)
There’s some wisdom in what Confucius says, don’t you agree? I mean, the rich man,
the guy with 2 watches, is actually worse off than the poor man, who has only one.
SABRINA
(stares at him a moment)
Watches hadn’t been invented when Confucius lived.
RICHARD
(pauses, thinks about it)
That’s….well, that’s true. (seems deflated) I believe you’re right.
(changes the subject, perks up, attempts humor)
So, anyway….(grins) when’s this here rodeo supposed to start?
SABRINA
(flatly)
Two o’clock.
RICHARD
(acts surprised)
Really? Two o’clock? (checks his watch again) Okay….well, I guess that means we’ve
got ourselves a long wait. (provocatively) We may as well make the most of it.
SABRINA
(stares at him a moment)
You didn’t know what time it started?
RICHARD
(awkwardly)
Well…um….actually….I think…..they did mention something about two o’clock.
SABRINA
If you already knew….then why ask?
RICHARD
(takes a moment to assess her)
You’re a logical thinker, ma’am, and that’s a very impressive trait. Especially in a
woman. I’ve always said that this would be a much better world if it had more logical
people in it….especially more logical women.
SABRINA
(she hesitates, touches her forehead in distress)
Oh, no….oh, my God…..no….I think I’m going to….
(SHE suddenly faints, falls limply to the ground)
RICHARD
(stares down at her in alarm)
Ma’am? Ma’am….what are you doing? (pause) Ma’am?? Are you all right?
(stunned, speaks with emphasis)
Ma’am? Ma’am?? Can you hear me? (leans over her face) Can you hear me, ma’am?
(HE looks all around, makes certain no one is watching, then, with both hands, fondles
her breasts. SHE instantly sits upright. HE flies back in shock.)
SABRINA
(shouts triumphantly)
Aha! I knew it! I knew you were a pervert!
(SHE stands up)
RICHARD
(flustered, terrified)
Wait, no, I was just….I mean….I was checking your heart to see if there was….
SABRINA
(cuts him off, shouting)
Liar! Pervert!
RICHARD
(panicky)
I made a terrible error. Please, don’t call the police.
SABRINA
Shut up. Just shut up. (lets him squirm a while) I have no intention of calling the police.
RICHARD
(sighs, utterly relieved)
Thank you.
SABRINA
(studies him with disgust)
Perv.
RICHARD
(defending himself, earnestly)
I know how this looks, ma’am. I admit I touched your private parts, and that was wrong
of me, but I’m not a pervert. (weakly) Don’t we all deserve a second chance? I mean,
what kind of country would America be if we didn’t allow second chances?
SABRINA
Shut up. Can you do that? Can you keep your mouth shut and just leave me be?
RICHARD
Of course I can. (helpfully) If you want me to, I can stand right here and not make a
single sound. No problem. (tentatively) If that’s what you really want.
SABRINA
(replies instantly, sharply)
That’s what I really want.
(SHE turns away, a 10-second pause; they stand back-to-back; HE fidgets)
RICHARD
(begins chattering away, as if nothing had happened)
I have to say, I’m really looking forward to this. I’ve planned it for weeks. Circled the
date with a big, red Magic Marker. (turns, faces her back) I guess you could say I’ve
always been curious about the meaning of life, ever since I was a kid. Well, not a kid
exactly, more like a teenager. An older teenager. A senior in high school, actually.
Second semester, Mr. Baker’s English class. That’s when it first hit me….hit me like a
ton of bricks. That’s when I realized I needed answers. (pauses, pleasantly) Eating the
fruit from the Tree of Knowledge could be a real game-changer, don’t you think?
(no response)
(HE steps out from under the awning, looks up, speaks with phony vitality)
And hey, aren’t we lucky?! I mean, they couldn’t have picked a more beautiful day for it.
Wow! (no response, continues enthusiastically) Lots of sunshine and not a single cloud
in the sky. The weather couldn’t be more perfect.
SABRINA
(turns her head halfway toward him, can’t resist pointing out the obvious)
It’s an indoor event.
RICHARD
(pauses, considers it)
Well….that’s true. That’s….a valid point.
(5-second pause, as he builds up his nerve)
Anyway, ma’am….I was wondering if you had anything planned for afterward.
SABRINA
(turns her head halfway towards him)
Why do you want to know that?
RICHARD
I thought we might go out for a cup of coffee. There’s a place right around the corner.
(SABRINA scoffs, doesn’t bother replying)
(RICHARD tries to sound casual about the rejection)
But hey, if you got other plans, no problem. No problema. It was just an idea. (feebly
attempts humor) Thought I’d run it up the flagpole and see who salutes it.
(5- second pause, as he fidgets, then speaks politely)
May I ask why not? (pause) I mean, is it because of….what happened earlier?
SABRINA
(turns to face him)
No. It’s because I’m not a dog in heat.
RICHARD
(stunned)
Pardon?
SABRINA
When a man asks a woman to have coffee with him, what he’s really saying is that he’d
like to have sexual intercourse with her. But, of course, he can’t come right out and say
that, so he has to say….(lowering her voice)….“Hey, lady, you wanna have a cup of
coffee?” (glares at him) Isn’t that what’s going on here? And don’t lie.
RICHARD
No, ma’am. That’s not what’s going on here. I just thought….
SABRINA
(cuts him off, incredulous)
So you’re saying this is a coffee thing? (rudely) You’re going to stand there and tell me
that the world is full of all these needy men looking for women to gulp down coffee with
them?? (pause) Why can’t we just be honest? Why can’t we just say, “Because I find
you attractive, and we’re both adults, and life is short….I would like to have sexual
intercourse with you?” (bluntly) Why can’t we just say that?
RICHARD
(very encouraged, compliments her)
I like where your head’s at, ma’am. (awkwardly blurts out his proposition, but botches
the words) Because we’re both short adults, I’d like to….(gestures vaguely toward her
body)….have intercourse with you.
(SHE instantly goes into a fury, flailing away at him wildly)
RICHARD
Whoa, whoa….stop! Wait! Stop it! Stop! (checking his nose for blood)
Damn….that’s some temper you got on you, lady.
SABRINA
First you grope me, then you talk that filth?
RICHARD
(plaintively)
What filth?? All I did was say what you told me to say. (again checks his nose)
SABRINA
Let me make something clear. If I were suffocating—if I were locked inside a vault with
no air—and you were the last man on earth with an oxygen tank, I still wouldn’t have
coffee with you. Do you understand what I’m saying? You not only annoy me….you
disgust me. You nauseate me. I find you….grotesque. Now, please, I’m asking as
nicely as I can. Will you just shut your mouth and leave me alone?
(SHE turns away with emphasis)
RICHARD
(pauses about 5 seconds before pleasantly offering an alternative)
It doesn’t have to be coffee. (pleasantly) Do you like waffles?
(SABRINA whirls to face him, eyes flashing, when JAY ENTERS, confident and jaunty)
JAY
Howdy-do, folks.
RICHARD
Hey.
(SABRINA nods to him unsociably, still simmering)
JAY
So….is this the M of L deal?
RICHARD
M of L?
JAY
Meaning of Life.
RICHARD
Oh….yeah….this is it. (cordially) Welcome to the line.
JAY
Thanks. (checks his watch, looks around) Why aren’t there more people here?
SABRINA
(still simmering, whirls on him, voice raised)
Goddamnit….we don’t know!!
JAY
(taken aback, but still amiable)
Hey, relax. (pleasantly) Don’t have a cow. I was just asking.
RICHARD
(overly polite)
We don’t know, sir. In fact, this pretty lady and I were just discussing that.
(SABRINA glowers at him)
JAY
(scans the area, checks his watch, speaks like a true businessman)
I realize it’s still early, but it makes you wonder if enough people heard about this thing.
(shrewdly) After all, let’s not forget the First Rule of the Marketplace….self-promotion.
If you want to prosper in the business world, you have to bang your own drum….bang it
loud, bang it hard, and bang it often.
RICHARD
(impressed with his business acumen)
That’s very true.
JAY
Where’d you hear about it, friend?
RICHARD
On the Internet.
JAY
Yeah, same here. (politely) Ma’am, may I ask where you heard about it?
SABRINA
(icy)
Where I heard about it is none of your concern.
RICHARD
Hey, he’s just asking if….
SABRINA
(cuts him off, rudely)
No one’s talking to you.
JAY
(casually considers it)
Well….I suppose there could be another reason. I mean, besides a lack of advertising.
(pause) It could be natural recoil.
RICHARD
(no idea what he means)
Natural recoil?
JAY
(explains)
Some people may not want to know the meaning of life. In fact, they may be a lot
happier not knowing. It’s just the way they’re wired. (pause) These people are more
interested in tangible things….practical things. Like the price of an iPhone or flat-screen
TV (thinks)….or how to fill out a tax form, or fix a lawn sprinkler….
SABRINA
(interrupts, authoritatively)
I disagree. The meaning of life has universal appeal. It’s the Eternal Question. I don’t
care how (air quotes) practical-minded a person is, there’s no reason not to want to know.
RICHARD
I can think of one.
SABRINA
(sternly)
No one’s talking to you, I said.
RICHARD
(quickly)
Fear.
SABRINA
(curtly)
Fear? Fear of what?
JAY
(interjects)
I think what he’s trying to say is that people who already believe they know the meaning
of life—who think they have a handle on it—might be afraid of hearing a version that
contradicts or threatens their own. In other words, they want to know, but they don’t
want to know. They’re caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. (to RICHARD)
Isn’t that what you’re saying, friend?
RICHARD
(happy to have an ally)
That’s exactly what I’m saying.
JAY
And it’s a view I happen to respect. (pleasantly) I may not agree with it, but I respect it.
SABRINA
You respect it?
JAY
Yes, ma’am.
SABRINA
(presses him)
You respect the view that one theory is just as good as another?
JAY
(shrugs agreeably)
Why not? I mean….this is America, isn’t it?
RICHARD
In America, we believe in second chances.
SABRINA
(to RICHARD, rudely)
Shut up. (to JAY) But isn’t that the same thing as saying everything is relative?
(pressing him) And if that’s your position, why are you here? Why would you even
bother showing up for something like this if you believe everything is relative?
JAY
(soothingly, hoping to slow down her interrogation)
Ma’am, please, I don’t want to argue with you. (politely) I really don’t. Let’s just say I’m
here because I’m interested in big questions.
SABRINA
(continues her interrogation)
Let me rephrase that. (thinks) Do you think everyone’s version of the truth is equal?
JAY
(pleasantly, relaxed)
Equal?
SABRINA
(sternly, impatiently, refusing to be deflected)
Equal. Equally valid.
JAY
Well, that’s a pretty broad statement, but….yeah, I’d have to say they are equal. I
mean….why not?
SABRINA
(pressing hard)
So if one person thinks the meaning of life is to make themselves genuinely useful to the
human race by helping the underprivileged children of Africa, and another person thinks
the meaning of life is to lie on the sofa, eat Doritos, and watch televised golf….you’re
saying they’re both equal?
JAY
(hesitates, tries to keep it light, pleasantly)
Hey….in the Grand Scheme of Things, who are we to judge anybody?
SABRINA
(incredulous)
Oh, so now you’re telling me you don’t judge people?
JAY
Yes, ma’am. (relaxed and easy-going) I make it a point not to judge people.
SABRINA
(continues to press him)
You don’t form an opinion of a person based on your first impression?
RICHARD
(impatiently, wanting to change the subject)
He just told you he didn’t. Why are you….?
SABRINA
(cuts him off, harshly)
Shut up!
JAY
Experience has taught me that snap judgments are counter-productive.
SABRINA
What about him? (pointing to RICHARD) You’re going to stand there and tell me you
haven’t judged this man….that you haven’t already formed an opinion of him?
(THEY both stare at RICHARD, look him up and down)
(RICHARD quickly becomes self-conscious and irritated)
JAY
Okay. (grins, confesses, good-naturedly) I guess you caught me in a lie.
RICHARD
Hey, stop it….stop! (flails his arms, as if swatting away bees) Get the hell off me….both
of you. (shoos them away) Get away!
(a moment later HEATHER ENTERS)
HEATHER
(bubbly)
Hi, everybody.
RICHARD
(instantly recovers, is overly attentive)
Well….hello there.
HEATHER
(looks around, cheerfully)
So this is it….the Meaning of Life thingee?
JAY
Yep, this is it. Welcome to the line. (smiles, gestures to the three of them)
HEATHER
Thank you.
RICHARD
(leering at her)
I must say….you’re looking very nice, pretty lady. (gushes) Very nice, indeed.
HEATHER
(polite but wary)
Thank you.
RICHARD
(steps back, beholds her, pretends to be concerned)
Did it hurt?
HEATHER
(no idea what he’s talking about)
Did what hurt?
RICHARD
When you fell from Heaven.
(SHE smiles uncomfortably; is creeped out by him)
(SABRINA shakes her head with a mixture of pity and contempt)
RICHARD
(flattering her shamelessly)
By any chance, ma’am, are you a fashion model?
(HEATHER shakes her head, appears embarrassed)
Well, take my word for it, with that face and that build, you sure could be. (gushes) Girl,
you rock my world. (leans in, grinning and leering) Where have you been all my life?
HEATHER
(ignores him, holds up the bag, speaks cheerfully to the group)
Oh, hey….I brought some apples….in case anybody gets hungry.
RICHARD
(excitedly)
Apples? I love apples.
HEATHER
(flatly)
Would you like one?
RICHARD
I would love one. Thank you. (accepts it enthusiastically, takes a bite, looks pleased)
HEATHER
(to JAY, back to her cheerful self)
Would you care for an apple, sir?
JAY
Yeah….don’t mind if I do. (takes one) Thanks.
HEATHER
You’re welcome. (to SABRINA) Ma’am? Apple?
SABRINA
(curtly)
No.
HEATHER
(looks around)
Wow, even though it’s still early, I expected to see a lot more people here.
JAY
So did we. In fact, we were just discussing that.
HEATHER
Well, I can think of one reason….the tickets were too expensive.
SABRINA
(jumping in)
Seventy-five dollars? (peevishly) That didn’t seem unreasonable….at least not to me. In
fact, I thought tickets would be a lot more expensive.
HEATHER
Well, $75 is nothing to sneeze at….not in this economy.
SABRINA
By what index?
HEATHER
(unsure what she means)
Pardon?
SABRINA
(impatiently, annoyed at having to clarify her point)
Compared to what? An iPhone? A lawn sprinkler? (dismissively) Don’t take this
wrong, lady, but I think you have your priorities screwed up.
HEATHER
(taken aback by her aggressiveness, but willing to defend herself)
I’m just saying, I can remember when $75 could buy me a new dress and a pair of shoes.
SABRINA
Where? At the Goodwill?
RICHARD
Hey, c’mon….she’s just saying….
SABRINA
(cuts him off, harshly)
Shut up, fool!
HEATHER
(stunned by the rude outburst, not sure what’s going on)
Well….I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.
(SABRINA glares at her)
JAY
(philosophically)
Actually, I think we’re comparing apples and oranges here. I mean….we’re asked to pay
$30,000 for a new car. $90 for a cell phone. $20 for a theater ticket. One dollar for a
bottle of water given to a man who’s dying of thirst. And 75 bucks to learn the meaning
of life. (confidently) It’s apples and oranges.
HEATHER
(confesses, to JAY)
To be honest, I thought about not coming myself. Even though I’ve always wanted to
know the meaning of life, I thought it might be smart to wait until I was older.
SABRINA
(challenges her, annoyed)
Why would you wait? Why not find out while you’re still young enough to use it?
HEATHER
(thinks carefully before answering)
I was afraid that finding out might cause me to stop having fun. (turns to JAY) And
when you’re young, you’re supposed to have fun, aren’t you?
JAY
Well, I think that’s probably….
SABRINA
(cuts him off, speaks rudely)
So it’s all about fun? That’s how you see the world? As one great big circus tent, with
your personal life being the Fun House? (to JAY) Is that what she’s saying?
JAY
(very gently disagreeing)
I don’t think she’s actually saying that.
RICHARD
(sees his opportunity, jumps in, eagerly)
Excuse me, ma’am….I wonder if I might ask you a personal question. (pouring on the
charm) Speaking of apples and oranges….(feebly attempts humor, winks) and the birds
and the bees….may I ask if you’re currently involved?
HEATHER
(no idea what he’s talking about)
Pardon?
RICHARD
Let me rephrase that. (smoothly) Are you involved….currently?
HEATHER
I’m sorry, but I still don’t….
RICHARD
Are you dating anyone?
HEATHER
Oh….yes, I am. I have a boyfriend. Conley. We’re engaged to be married.
(RICHARD looks disappointed)
SABRINA
(rudely and impatiently, getting back to the main question)
So, why are you here? What made you change your mind about coming?
HEATHER
(hesitates, wistfully)
I realized I wasn’t having that much fun anyway.
(MURRAY ENTERS, joins the line, reading a book and curling a barbell)
HEATHER
Hi there.
MURRAY
(barely looking up from his book, speaks brusquely)
Hi.
HEATHER
(cheerfully)
Welcome to the line.
MURRAY
(distractedly, still reading and lifting, mutters, barely audible)
Thank you.
(pause, as THEY watch with curiosity as HE reads and lifts)
HEATHER
Would you care for an apple, sir?
MURRAY
(looks up from his book, appears pained, states the obvious)
I only have two hands.
(returns to his book)
HEATHER
(politely, but not quite sure how to respond)
Oh….okay. (pause) Well….maybe later.
(steps out from under the awning, looks up, announces cheerfully)
Wow. They sure picked a beautiful day for it, didn’t they?
RICHARD
(curtly, punishing her for having a boyfriend)
It’s an indoor event.
(pause, as THEY continue to watch MURRAY with curiosity)
JAY
(finally)
So, mister….are you here to catch a wave?
MURRAY
(annoyed, no idea what he means, still lifting, looks up from the book)
Catch a wave?
JAY
A brain wave. (grinning, proud of his wit) Are you here to catch a brain wave?
(MURRAY grunts, doesn’t bother answering, goes back to his reading, lifting.)
(there’s a pause, as THEY continue to stare)
RICHARD
Sir, may I ask why you’re lifting weights and reading at the same time? (to JAY) I don’t
think I’ve ever seen that before.
MURRAY
(hesitates, looks up, sighs, speaks condescendingly)
Time is our most precious commodity. I refuse to waste it. I believe in multi-tasking—
which is why I always do more than one thing simultaneously.
RICHARD
(impressed)
Really? Always?
MURRAY
Always. No exceptions.
JAY
Do you have a life partner, sir?
MURRAY
(annoyed)
A “life partner”? What’s that supposed to mean? A wife? Do I have a wife?
JAY
Yeah. Do you have a wife?
MURRAY
Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, I have a wife.
JAY
(coyly)
So….do you multi-task while you’re making love to her?
RICHARD
(embarrassed, speaks softly)
Hey, c’mon, man….don’t be asking him that.
SABRINA
Let him answer.
MURRAY
(lowers his book, answers patiently)
As a matter of fact, yes, I do. When my wife and I are making love, I’m mentally going
through the stock market report or compiling a list of errands.
HEATHER
(suppressing a smile)
What would your wife say if she knew what you were doing? Wouldn’t she be mad?
MURRAY
On the contrary. My wife is a multi-tasker also. Last Valentine’s Day, while we were
making love, I mentally scheduled a visit to the dentist, and she planned the dinner menu
for the entire week.
(ZOMBIE MAN wearing a Viking helmet, carrying a plastic bag, slowly lumbers by)
HEATHER
Oh my God. Look….
(THEY watch him slowly pass by. HE EXITS)
JAY
(addressing RICHARD)
Did that guy seem….a little weird to you?
SABRINA
(coyly)
Were you judging him?
JAY
(smiles, good-naturedly)
Touché.
RICHARD
Weird? That’s all you can say….that he looked weird?? My God, the man looked
insane. He looked like an escapee from some Viking lunatic asylum.
JAY
(considers it, stares after him)
Yeah….you’re right. He did look sort of….mentally ill.
HEATHER
(hesitating)
Wouldn’t it be amazing if instead of a mental patient, he was….something else?
JAY
(curious)
Something else?
HEATHER
Yeah. You know….something….supernatural?
SABRINA
(already losing patience with her)
What are you talking about?
HEATHER
(hesitates, trails off)
I’m just saying….what if….um….?
JAY
(jumps in, addresses MURRAY)
What do you think, mister?
(No response, as MURRAY keeps reading and lifting. HE repeats it, louder.)
Hey, I asked you a question, pal. Did that guy seem a little weird to you?
MURRAY
(looks up, sighs, annoyed at being interrupted again)
Define “weird.”
JAY
(impatiently)
You know….weird. A weirdo. A guy in a Viking hat….carrying a plastic bag?
MURRAY
(thinks a moment, repeats the words facetiously)
Ah. A Viking hat and a plastic bag. Yes. Yes, indeed (sarcastically) very weird.
(returns to his reading and lifting)
(JAY glares at him. HE clearly dislikes him.)
(ZOMBIE MAN slowly approaches again)
RICHARD
Oh God, here he comes. Don’t make eye-contact.
(ZOMBIE MAN stares at them for a moment, then EXITS)
HEATHER
I saw that same guy on the street when I got here. He seemed out of place, of course, but
it didn’t really register. (ominously) Not until now. But now it’s starting to make sense.
(dramatic pause) Does anyone besides me watch movies?
RICHARD
I watch movies….I watch tons of movies.
JAY
(takes charge)
Ma’am, I’m sure we all watch movies. What are you trying to say?
HEATHER
Movies are supposed to be make-believe, right? Isn’t that what they always say? But
movies are written by real people….not make-believe people. And because movies are
written by real people, that means they have to be partly based on real life. Am I right?
SABRINA
Don’t take this wrong, lady, but you’re really starting to get on my nerves. (to JAY,
lowers her voice, politely) I’m sorry, but she’s starting to creep me out.
JAY
Ma’am, please….just say what’s on your mind.
HEATHER
I realize this is going to sound a little farfetched, but….what if he’s dead?
(pause)
JAY
Dead?
RICHARD
Dead? Who? (to JAY) Who’s dead?
HEATHER
That Viking guy.
MURRAY
(curious enough to look up from his book, studies her a moment)
Define “dead.”
HEATHER
(hesitates dramatically, all eyes on her)
Extinction. Annihilation. Death. (philosophically) What is death? All we know….
JAY
(cuts her off, playing the comedian)
Death is Nature’s way of telling us to slow down.
(RICHARD and SABRINA both chuckle)
HEATHER
(starts over, undeterred by JAY’s remark, speaks dramatically)
Extinction. Annihilation. Death. (pause) What is death? All we know for certain is that
everyone who’s not alive has either died, or not been born yet. (brightly) Am I right?
That’s all we know. And other than the Known and the Unknown….what is there?
(THEY all exchange quizzical glances)
What if that Viking guy is a zombie on his way to the next realm, just like in those
movies, and what if this line we’re standing in is one of those celestial way stations?
(pause)
JAY
(politely, but genuinely confused)
Ma’am, is this….some kind of joke? I mean, is it….part of a class project or something?
RICHARD
(looks around for a camera)
Hey….are we on TV? (excited) Is this one of those reality shows?
HEATHER
I know it sounds farfetched, but it’s not impossible, is it? I mean, what if….?
SABRINA
(cuts her off, rudely)
You honestly expect us to believe that that man is a vampire?
HEATHER
(impatiently)
No….not a vampire….a zombie. (incredulous) Why would I say he was a vampire? I
mean, he’s walking around in broad daylight, isn’t he? (turns to MURRAY, believing
she has stated the obvious) Duh.
JAY
(takes a bite of his apple, speaks pleasantly)
I have to take my hat off to you, ma’am. (genuinely impressed) That’s quite an
imagination you’ve got there. Very impressive. (to RICHARD) Am I right, bro?
RICHARD
(agrees)
You’re right….very impressive. (casually bites his apple) Stephen King, Junior.
HEATHER
(mildly annoyed at being mocked)
Listen to me. Just try and remember the very last thing you were doing today. (eyes them
all with foreboding, speaks ominously) Were any of you driving a car?
RICHARD
I was driving a car.
JAY
I was driving a car. (proudly) A Mercedes.
MURRAY
(impatiently)
Ma’am, we were all driving cars. What are you saying—that we all had fatal accidents?
JAY
(pretending to recollect)
Actually, the last thing I recall was….cleaning my loaded gun, and becoming distracted
by something. (pause) After that, well, I….can’t remember anything.
(SABRINA chuckles appreciatively. SHE likes him.)
HEATHER
If we’re not dead, then why aren’t there more people here? Why is it only us? Even with
pricey tickets, there should be a lot more people here.
JAY
I can’t explain why there aren’t more people here, ma’am, but I can assure you, it’s not
because we’re dead. (shrugs) It’s still very early. Maybe….
RICHARD
(cuts him off, blurts it out, loudly)
Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die!
(pause, as THEY all look at him, slightly startled by the outburst)
SABRINA
(finally, rudely)
That was meant to be what….profound? To have us believe you’re a deep thinker?
RICHARD
No….(self-consciously) it was, you know….just an observation.
SABRINA
I’m sorry, but your (air quotes) “observation” was neither original nor appropriate.
JAY
It wasn’t original?
SABRINA
(with disdain)
Of course it wasn’t. Mark Twain said the exact same thing 140 years ago.
RICHARD
I didn’t know that.
SABRINA
You didn’t know that? What’d you think….that your little pea-brain had made it up?
RICHARD
No….I mean (awkwardly)….I’m just saying….
JAY
(cuts him off, flattering her)
I can tell that you’re very well read, ma’am.
SABRINA
Reading is what I do.
JAY
Reading is what you do? (impressed) May I ask what line of work you’re in?
SABRINA
Research. (considers elaborating, but changes her mind) I do research.
HEATHER
(trying to keep the conversation going, to MURRAY)
Excuse me, sir. Not to interrupt, but what’s the last thing you remember doing?
MURRAY
(hesitates, considers not answering)
Arguing. (reluctantly) With my wife.
HEATHER
May I ask what you were arguing about?
MURRAY
She didn’t want me to come. In fact, she was strongly opposed to it.
SABRINA
Why was she opposed to it?
MURRAY
(dismissively, not wishing to continue)
Let’s just say she was worried.
SABRINA
Worried about what?
MURRAY
(annoyed)
What is this—a cross-examination?
JAY
Hey, you’re the one who brought it up, pal. (curtly) The lady asked you a question.
MURRAY
(hesitates)
My wife thinks 3rd World people would never speculate about the meaning of life….that
it’s only us—the privileged class with time on its hands—who do it. And because she
already thinks I have a tendency to over-analyze things, she’s worried that my showing
up here today might….(reluctantly) damage our marriage.
SABRINA
Damage your marriage? How?? (turns to JAY, puzzled) Unless they did something
like….convert him to Scientology, how could it damage his marriage?
JAY
(shrugs)
Maybe his wife’s a chronic worrier. I’ve known people like that, people who….
MURRAY
(cuts him off)
My wife’s afraid that if I learned the meaning of life, I might surrender to it. (pause)
That I might embark upon a journey. A philosophical journey. (solemnly) One that
would not include her.
(pause, as THEY consider it)
HEATHER
Well, I still say it’s possible we’re all dead.
MURRAY
Ma’am, that’s not only a bizarre theory, it discriminates against those of us who don’t
share your belief in the supernatural (pause) Which happens to include me.
SABRINA
Which—I would bet five dollars—happens to include all of us.
HEATHER
(earnestly)
But what if those theories were true? I mean….it’s not impossible, is it?
RICHARD
(impatiently)
What theories?
HEATHER
The ones that go all the way back to ancient Rome. Probably even further back than
that….maybe all the way back to Egypt. And what if the other parts were true?
RICHARD
What other parts? (to JAY, impatiently) Do you have any idea what she’s talking about?
HEATHER
I’m not a Catholic. In fact, I don’t belong to any religion. I’m not a Christian or a Hindu,
or a Buddhist. (confidently) I’m an independent. But what if the Catholic Church was
right? (pause) What if they were right about everything? What would that mean?
RICHARD
(considers her premise, repeats it)
What would it mean if the Catholic Church was right….about everything?
(turns to JAY)
It would mean we’re in a world of shit….that’s what it would mean.
JAY
(munching his apple, nods in agreement, pleasantly)
Very true.
SABRINA
(having lost her patience, voice raised)
This is absurd! We’re not dead, okay? Just look at us. (to HEATHER, gestures to the
group, demanding) Look at us, I said. Do we look dead to you??!
HEATHER
Of course we don’t look dead. But the people in those movies don’t look dead either. In
fact, until the truth finally sinks in, they keep saying the exact same thing you’re saying.
SABRINA
(studies her a moment)
What’s your name, sweetie?
HEATHER
(politely)
Heather.
SABRINA
(meant to hurt)
Heather, if you keep talking like this, we’re going to need you to pee in a cup for us.
JAY
(jumps in, as peacekeeper)
Listen up, people….since we’ve got a long wait ahead of us, maybe we should introduce
ourselves. (smiles) We’ve already found out that this young lady’s name is Heather.
(politely) Hello, Heather….My name is Jay. Jay Holly. Pleased to meet you.
HEATHER
(smiles)
Hi, Jay.
(JAY gestures toward RICHARD, indicating he should speak)
RICHARD
Oh….um….I’m Richard.
HEATHER
Hi, Richard.
RICHARD
Hi.
SABRINA
I’m sorry, but I really don’t see the point of this. We’re not friends, we’re not associates,
we’re not anything….just a group of people standing in line. I don’t see why we….
RICHARD
(cuts her off, impatiently)
Hey, you asked her name and she told you. Okay? So unless your name is….Charles
Manson….or….Sarah Palin….just spit it out so we can move on.
SABRINA
(pauses, realizes it’s futile)
Fine. (flatly) My name is Sabrina.
JAY
(charmingly)
Sabrina. That’s a lovely name. (looks at MURRAY, speaks curtly) And you?
MURRAY
Murray Lizt. Attorney at Law.
HEATHER
List? You mean like shopping list?
MURRAY
No. L-i-z-t
Zulu, Tango.
RICHARD
(attempting humor)
So what do you think, counselor? You think it’s possible we’re all dead?
MURRAY
Of course I don’t.
SABRINA
None of us do….except Little Miss Space Cadet here.
MURRAY
Actually, I’m not convinced this woman believes it herself. (studies her) She could be
satisfying some deep-seated psychological need by playing mind games with us.
HEATHER
(losing her patience a bit)
I’m not playing mind games. (earnestly) I think it’s possible we’ve slipped into another
dimension….another realm….and that we’ll all meet again on the Other Side.
SABRINA
(facetiously, pretending to be very serious)
Now, when you say (air quotes) “the other side,” I’m assuming you mean over there?
(points in the distance) On the other side of the Harbor freeway?
(JAY and RICHARD chuckle at the joke)
HEATHER
(flashing anger, fed up with the insults)
Fine. Believe what you want. But what if we go inside, and they tell us we’re all dead?
(defiantly) Then what?
JAY
Then that would definitely change my plans for the evening.
(SABRINA laughs delightedly. SHE likes him.)
(MURRAY answers his cellphone)
SABRINA
(confides to JAY)
I intentionally left my cell phone in the car. (confidently) I wanted no distractions.
JAY
Same here. (looks at MURRAY, lowers his voice, speaks critically) Some people act like
they can’t survive 5 minutes without their damn phone.
(EVERYONE pretends not to listen, but they listen to every word)
MURRAY
(lowers his voice, uncomfortable at being overheard)
Hey. (pause) Um, no….not yet. (pause) No, there’s only a few of us. (long pause,
checks his watch) Okay. (pleasantly) Yeah. I know. I will. (pause) I understand. I
promise. (long pause) Right. (pause) I love you, too. Bye. (puts phone away)
RICHARD
(hesitates)
Life partner?
MURRAY
Yeah.
RICHARD
Still freaked-out about you being here?
MURRAY
Actually, her call reminded me of something….something related to what we’ve been
talking about. (pause) I don’t usually dream—in fact, I never do—but last night, for
whatever reason, I had a very vivid dream.
JAY
(mocking him)
That’s because you were multi-tasking. Sleeping AND dreaming.
MURRAY
(ignores the wisecrack, continues)
I dreamed that the people in charge of this thing (gestures toward the building) knew
exactly how and when the world was going to end….and when we went inside, they were
going to tell us. (pause) That was my dream.
SABRINA
That would be terrible. (turns to JAY) Wouldn’t that be terrible?
JAY
It certainly would.
MURRAY
Why? (earnestly) Given how unique human beings are, why would that be terrible?
We humans are both blessed and cursed. We’re blessed with having the ability to reason,
to reflect, to create….but we’re cursed by being the only creatures on earth who know
they’re going to die someday. We’re the only ones who know that.
JAY
Actually, monkeys and German Shepherds also know it.
(SABRINA chuckles at his joke)
RICHARD
(serious)
What are you saying? That you’d….want to know when the world was going to end?
MURRAY
(upbeat)
Why not? I mean, why not find out, once and for all, and never have to worry about it?
RICHARD
But what if it was going to end soon?
MURRAY
Define “soon.”
RICHARD
(appears to do a calculation in his head)
Three months.
MURRAY
Three months is three months. (pause) If that’s the hand we’re dealt, then so be
it….that’s the hand we’re forced to play. (cavalierly) Nobody lives forever.
SABRINA
(critically)
But if we knew the world was going to end, nothing we did would matter. Nothing we
did would mean anything. Don’t you see? (emphatically) If we knew the world was
going to end, everything we did would just become….an exercise in passing time.
MURRAY
But aren’t we doing that already? Isn’t knowing that we’re all going to die someday the
same as knowing the world is going to end—that our own personal world is going to end?
SABRINA
(hesitates)
Now you’re just being morbid. (to JAY) Don’t you think he’s being morbid?
JAY
(instantly agreeing, chomps on his apple)
Very morbid.
RICHARD
(seriously)
Actually, that’s….pretty much how I’ve always looked at life.
SABRINA
(harshly)
How? As an exercise in passing time?
RICHARD
(shrugs)
Yeah. I mean….to me it’s always been about keeping busy, paying your bills, and
staying out of trouble . . .until it was time to go. (pause) And I don’t think that makes me
a negative or pessimistic person. It’s just that by the time a man reaches the age of fifty,
he should have a pretty clear idea of where he stands.
HEATHER
(hesitates, skeptically)
You’re fifty?
RICHARD
(clearly offended)
Fifty?!? Me?! God, no. (indignantly) I’m thirty-five.
HEATHER
But you said fifty.
RICHARD
(still annoyed, believing he’s been insulted)
I was using fifty as a benchmark. (feelings still hurt) Shit. Do I look fifty?
HEATHER
(politely)
No….of course not. I was just….
JAY
(cuts her off, defiantly)
Well, speaking for myself, there’s no way I’d want to know when the world’s going to
end. Let the son of a bitch surprise me. Que sera, sera. That’s my motto.
SABRINA
I completely agree.
JAY
(flirting)
Well, apparently, great minds think alike.
SABRINA
(flirting back)
Apparently, they do.
HEATHER
(joining the conversation, to MURRAY, pleasantly)
You seem like a big thinker, mister. What’s your theory of the meaning of life?
MURRAY
Me? Oh….I don’t have one.
HEATHER
None? Really?
MURRAY
None at all. That’s why I came here today….armed only with an open mind.
RICHARD
How about yourself, Heather? If anyone here’s a “big thinker,” it’s you. What do you
think the meaning of life is? (brief pause) Besides already being dead.
HEATHER
I never said that. I never said that being dead was the meaning of life. Being dead is just
a metaphysical theory I happen to subscribe to. (pause) To me, the real meaning of life
has something to do with physical fitness….with staying in shape.
(THEY all exchange bewildered glances. SHE continues, confidently)
We can’t imagine a lion or tiger or eagle without visualizing its body. That’s because
their bodies are their essence. Their bodies are what define them. And the same should
be true of humans. Because our bodies are God-given vessels, God wants us to take care
of them. He doesn’t want any fat people in Heaven, but he doesn’t want any really skinny
ones either, like that lady singer in the Carpenters, who died of anorexia. Remember her?
I try not to judge people, but I don’t think that lady went to Heaven.
(SABRINA turns to JAY, bats her eyes charmingly, discreetly makes the “cuckoo” sign)
JAY
(encouraged)
Richard, would you mind swapping places with me….so I can talk to Sabrina?
RICHARD
You’re asking to cut in front of me?
JAY
(gregariously, but mildly annoyed)
Richard. (with emphasis) Richie….my man. We’re talking about one spot.
RICHARD
(still polite, but a bit stubborn)
If it’s only one spot, then have her switch with me.
JAY
I’m not asking her. I’m asking you.
SABRINA
That’s fine. I’ll switch.
RICHARD
See? She’s fine with it.
JAY
(delighted and flattered)
Thank you, Sabrina.
SABRINA
You’re very welcome. It’s my pleasure.
(SABRINA and RICHARD formally swap places)
(RICHARD is proud to now be the first one in line)
JAY
(to SABRINA, expansively)
As I said, my name is Jay. Jay Holly. I’m a real estate agent, born and raised in LA. I
drive a Mercedes 350, I have a split-level home in Silverlake, and a luxury condo in
Hawaii. My favorite movie is “Avatar,” my favorite food is prime rib, and my favorite
band is the Eagles. I’m divorced, with no kids and no pets….nothing to tie me down.
(graciously)
Tell me about yourself, Sabrina. What do you do for a living?
SABRINA
(lowers her voice, speaks cautiously)
I’m a researcher for a think-tank….
HEATHER
Louder please.
RICHARD
Yeah, speak up, so everybody can hear.
SABRINA
If you don’t mind, we’re having a private conversation.
HEATHER
Why is it private?
JAY
Hey….the lady wants her privacy.
HEATHER
(getting in a dig)
Are you hiding something? (snarky) Do you have some deep, dark secret?
SABRINA
(defensively)
No, I’m not hiding anything. I just don’t want….
HEATHER
(cuts her off, showing some sass)
Then speak up, because we all want to hear.
SABRINA
(reluctantly, speaks louder)
I’m a researcher for a think-tank. (pause) My hobbies are cooking and gardening. My
favorite book is “Siddartha,” and my favorite movie is “The Godfather,” which I’ve seen
31 times. (pause) I’m single and not presently dating anyone. (pause) Even though I’ve
been told that I’m reasonably attractive and have a high I.Q., I’ve never been married.
(loosening up a bit)
Actually, I was engaged once. His name was Irving….a certified public accountant for
one of the largest accounting firms in the city. Without my knowledge he got involved in
a criminal activity and was sent to prison. Unfortunately, Irving’s mother blamed me for
his legal problems and tried to sue me. It was a very stressful time in my life. I live in
Van Nuys. I have a cat named Luca Brasi, and a dog named Don Corleone.
RICHARD
What was the criminal activity?
HEATHER
Was it drugs? Was your boyfriend selling drugs?
SABRINA
I’d rather not say.
MURRAY
May I ask on what legal basis this man’s mother was suing you?
SABRINA
I really don’t want to talk about it.
HEATHER
Was it cocaine?
JAY
Respect her privacy, people. She doesn’t want to discuss it.
HEATHER
Because I knew an accountant once who was drug dealer. (pause) Well, not really an
accountant ….more like a bookkeeper. Well, a bookie, actually.
JAY
Let’s do you, Heather.
HEATHER
(delighted to share)
Okay. I’m 27 years old, a vegetarian, and I work as a food server at a vegetarian
restaurant in Santa Monica. I’m single, a Sagittarius, have never been married, but have
been in lots of relationships. My favorite singer is Lady Gaga, my favorite actor is Leo
DiCaprio, my favorite movie is “Bridesmaids,” and my favorite animal is the unicorn.
SABRINA
(flatly)
The unicorn is a mythological beast. It doesn’t exist.
HEATHER
I didn’t say it existed. I said it’s my favorite animal. (continues) Anyway, I attended Cal
State Northridge for three semesters but had to drop out because I got mononucleosis.
Then I took classes at Santa Monica College but had to quit because my car got stole.
SABRINA
Got stole?
HEATHER
Yeah. A 1992 Honda Civic. (amazed) It got stole right out of the parking lot.
SABRINA
(snotty)
Use proper English, dear. Your car was stolen….not (air quotes) “got stole.”
HEATHER
(glares at her)
Okay, fine….it was stolen. My car was (air quotes) stolen. (continues) Anyway, I have
a boyfriend, Conley, a professional lifeguard, who’s an Aquarius. We plan to get married
in six months. And I have a dog, Connor, a French poodle, who’s a Scorpio. My hobbies
are metaphysics and religion, aerobics, astrology, bicycling, knitting, hiking, swimming,
and movies. I still live with my parents, but we’re saving up for a house. (proudly)
Connor’s going to take a class in how to detect drugs by smell.
MURRAY
Connor? (confused)….your boyfriend?
HEATHER
(giggles)
No, silly. Connor, my dog. My boyfriend is Conley.
JAY
(keeping things moving)
Now you, Richard. Tell us a little about yourself.
RICHARD
(hesitates before speaking solemnly)
Well, I’ve spent most of my adult life in the Yakuza….until I was forced to leave.
(pause)
JAY
The Yakuza?
RICHARD
Yes.
JAY
But isn’t that….the Japanese mafia?
RICHARD
Yes, it is.
MURRAY
(skeptically)
You were in the Japanese mafia?
RICHARD
Until I was asked to leave.
JAY
But I thought only pure-blooded Japanese men were allowed in the Yakuza.
RICHARD
That’s why they asked me to leave.
(awkward pause)
HEATHER
Wait….that was a joke, right?
RICHARD
Yeah.
MURRAY
Well, I fail to see the humor.
SABRINA
That’s because there wasn’t any. (to JAY, scoffing) Did you find that humorous?
JAY
(gently disagreeing with her)
Hey, he was joking with us. The Yakuza! (laughs) That’s funny!
RICHARD
(awkwardly)
Okay, I’ll start over. (pause) I was born and raised in Fontana. I’ve worked at the County
morgue for almost 12 years. It’s a well-paying job with good benefits (modestly) My
hobby is collecting baseball cards. I have more than 50,000….some of them very old.
SABRINA
That’s pitiful. (to JAY, quietly) I’m sorry, but I find that pitiful.
RICHARD
(annoyed)
Why is it pitiful?
SABRINA
A man your age still gushing over the mug shots of baseball players? I’m sorry, but it’s
pitiful. (snidely) And, frankly, a bit homoerotic.
JAY
(gently defending him)
From what I’ve heard, there’s good money in sports memorabilia.
HEATHER
(coming to his defense, sweetly)
Collecting baseball cards sounds like a very interesting hobby, Richard.
RICHARD
(still annoyed at SABRINA)
Thank you.
JAY
(keeping it moving, amiably)
What else, Richard? Are you married or single? I have you pegged for a single guy.
RICHARD
I am single. Even though I’d like to get married and settle down, that hasn’t happened
yet. Maybe I’ve been unlucky…maybe the timing’s been wrong…. maybe the right girl
hasn’t come along. Who knows? (shrugs) Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’ve lost my mojo.
JAY
(encouragingly)
Hey, don’t sweat it, bro. It’s a big world out there. I’m sure you’ll find the right girl.
RICHARD
(encouraged, loosens up a bit)
Believe me, it hasn’t been from lack of trying. A while back I got myself a couple of
tattoos. I heard that body art was very popular with the ladies, and thought, what the
heck, maybe some tattoos would help get my mojo back. (enthused) One of them is this
exotic South American bird with a green plume on its head, and the other one is this very
cool orange & black drawing of Cupid—the son of the Greek goddess Aphrodite.
SABRINA
(dripping with sarcasm)
Do the colors commingle?
JAY
(curious, checks him out, tries to peek under is arm sleeve)
So….where are they? Where’s your tats?
RICHARD
They’re….um (self-consciously)….on my lower abdomen.
JAY
(approvingly)
Ah….strategically located. (grins) So, what’d the ladies think when they saw a large
bird hovering over your private parts? (winks) Did you get your mojo back?
RICHARD
Actually….no one’s seen ‘em yet.
JAY
No one’s seen ‘em?
RICHARD
Not yet.
JAY
(casually)
How long have you had ‘em?
RICHARD
Two years.
(significant pause, as THEY all process that information)
SABRINA
(snidely)
It sounds like your “mojo” may have entered the witness protection program.
HEATHER
(interjecting, speaking like an amateur psychologist)
Richard, how would you describe yourself? Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
RICHARD
(glances at SABRINA, attempts a feeble joke)
I’ve been described as a per-vert.
(THEY ALL chuckle; SABRINA stares daggers)
HEATHER
(turning serious)
May I ask you a personal question? (studies him a moment) Are you scared?
RICHARD
(uncomfortable)
Scared? Scared of what? (to JAY, seeking support) Why would I be scared?
HEATHER
Scared of women. (authoritatively) Surveys have shown that 3 out of every 10 men
admit to being frightened of women. (very gently) Are you one of those 3 men?
RICHARD
(pause, suddenly very embarrassed)
You know what? Maybe we shouldn’t be talking about this. In fact, I don’t think….
SABRINA
(cuts him off, authoritatively)
She asked you a question. Please answer it.
JAY
(reassuringly)
Speak freely, bro. You’re among friends.
RICHARD
(pauses, self-conscious, aware that all eyes are on him)
Okay. Yeah. (confesses) Yes. Women do tend to make me a little nervous. I admit it.
HEATHER
Well, I have some very good advice for you, Richard, advice that will help you find a
wife. (gently) Don’t try so hard. Don’t feel that you have to perform for women. Just
relax and be yourself. (pause) And that’s really all there is to it. Women are drawn to
confident, secure men who know who they are and what they’re about. If there’s one
thing women can’t stand, it’s a phony, insecure man. In fact, the only time a woman will
put up with a phony man is if he has a large income. ( to SABRINA) Am I right?
SABRINA
(smiles provocatively at JAY)
I already know what kind of man I’m attracted to, and no one needs to remind me.
JAY
(thrilled, but trying to sound casual)
By the way, Sabrina….I was wondering if, when we’re finished here….you might want
to join me for a cup of coffee….
SABRINA
(instantly gushes)
I would love to have coffee with you.
(JAY beams. RICHARD stares at them, sad and forlorn.)
HEATHER
(cheerfully, keeping the conversation going)
Murray, you didn’t share much about yourself, except that you’re a lawyer and you’re
married. What else can you tell us?
MURRAY
(reluctantly)
Well, there’s not much to say, really. (thinks) Um…. I’m a California native….I’m lefthanded….(pause) I’m an only child. (pause, indicates he’s finished)
JAY
(annoyed at his reticence, dripping with sarcasm)
You forgot to mention that you’re an American citizen and a mammal.
HEATHER
(gently prodding him)
Maybe you could….you know….tell us where you went to college….how you met your
wife….if you have any children….that sort of thing….
MURRAY
Okay. (pause) I graduated from UCLA and UCLA law school. I met my wife, Gretchen,
on a blind date. We have two children, a boy and a girl….Sherwood and Sandhurst.
JAY
(turns to SABRINA, mutters under his breath)
Oh, for crying out loud.
MURRAY
(glares at him)
Is there a problem?
JAY
Are you serious? Sherwood and Sandhurst? I mean….who’s the boy and who’s the girl?
MURRAY
Sherwood is a bright 8-year old boy, and Sandhurst is a lovely 10-year old girl.
HEATHER
(pleasantly)
I think those are very cool names, Murray. I’ve already decided that if I ever have a
baby, I’m going to name it Victory if he’s a boy, and Voyager, if she’s a girl.
SABRINA
How can you get married and have a kid if you’re already dead? Please explain that to us.
HEATHER
Already being dead is just a theory. I was speaking hypothetically.
SABRINA
No you weren’t. You said you believed it. You said it was a metaphysical theory that
you (air quotes) “happened to subscribe to.” (to JAY) Didn’t she say that?
JAY
(politely)
Yes, I believe she did.
SABRINA
So I caught you in a logical contradiction.
HEATHER
No, you didn’t.
SABRINA
Yes, I did.
HEATHER
No, you didn’t.
SABRINA
I most certainly did.
HEATHER
(stubbornly)
I guess we’ll just have to agree to….
RICHARD
(cuts her off, loud and dramatically)
Sex and money!!
(THEY are startled by his remark)
MURRAY
What’s that supposed to mean?
RICHARD
What if that’s the answer? (casually) What if the meaning of life is sex and money?
JAY
Well….that’s possible, I guess. (chomps on his apple) The sex part, at least.
RICHARD
Sex and money.
SABRINA
(annoyed)
Stop repeating it. We heard you.
MURRAY
(with certainty)
I’m sorry, but there’s no way sex and money could be the meaning of life.
RICHARD
Why couldn’t it?
MURRAY
Because if it were only sex and money, we’d all be on the same page by now. If it were
only sex and money it wouldn’t explain why people have been seeking the meaning of
life for 5,000 years.
HEATHER
Really? People have been seeking the meaning of life for 5,000 years?
MURRAY
Yes, ma’am.
JAY
(rudely)
How do you know that?
MURRAY
Look it up for yourself. Early Man began seeking the meaning of life 5,000 years ago.
RICHARD
(pause)
What was Early Man doing six-thousand years ago?
MURRAY
Early Man was in transition—farming, hunting, building—evolving from a nonspeculating being into a speculating being….into a facsimile of what we are today.
HEATHER
Isn’t it ironic that sex and money are so important to us….and yet it’s against the law to
pay money to have sex? (proudly) That’s what my boyfriend would call a paradox.
RICHARD
That’s a very smart observation, Heather.
HEATHER
Thank you.
SABRINA
Oh, please. (disdainfully) Mark Twain said the same thing 140 years ago.
JAY
Wow. You sure know your Mark Twain, Sabrina.
RICHARD
(curtly)
No one cares who said it first. (praising HEATHER) It was a smart observation.
SABRINA
It doesn’t change the fact that she plagiarized it.
RICHARD
(snaps back instantly, irritated)
No one cares.
HEATHER
(pleasantly changes the subject)
So, Richard, how about yourself? What do you think the meaning of life is?
RICHARD
(caught off-guard, hesitates)
Me? Oh….um….(points to MURRAY)….I’m like Murray here. I don’t really have a
theory. That’s why I signed up for this thing….hoping to find one.
HEATHER
(prodding him good-naturedly)
Really? No theory at all? What about sex and money….like you said?
RICHARD
No….(self-consciously) I just said that to keep the conversation going. (pause) But I do
sort of….have an opinion….if anybody wants to hear it.
JAY
We’d all like to hear it, bro. (encouragingly) State your opinion….loud and clear.
RICHARD
(self-consciously)
Well, one part of me wants the meaning of life to be serious. Because that’s what you’re
supposed to want, right?….for the meaning of life to be very serious? But another part of
me hopes it’s not serious. In fact, another part of me hopes the meaning of life is mainly
recreational. (brightens) Did you know it was the ancient Greeks who invented the word
“recreation”? They did. They called it re-creation. It was very important to them.
SABRINA
That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. (looks directly at HEATHER, reconsiders) Okay,
the second silliest. (continues) I don’t care who invented it or how important it was to
them, but hoping that the meaning of life is (air quotes) “recreational” is childish.
HEATHER
It may be childish, but who gets more joy out of life than children?
SABRINA
(stares at her a moment, not having a rejoinder, then sarcastically)
I guess we’ll just have to….agree to disagree.
JAY
(jumping in)
Well, hey, I don’t claim to be a philosopher or anything, but I’ve always thought the
meaning of life had something to do with music. (confidently) To me, a world without
music wouldn’t make any sense.
MURRAY
All music, or just the music you happen to like?
JAY
All music.
MURRAY
Heavy metal?
JAY
Yes.
MURRAY
Experimental jazz?
JAY
Yes.
MURRAY
Italian opera?
JAY
(losing his patience, answers emphatically)
Yes.
MURRAY
(in a tone indicating he thinks he’s got him trapped)
Hawaiian music?
JAY
(blowing his cork, shouts)
Goddamnit, all music, I said! Every kind.
MURRAY
Then I have a hypothetical question for you. Imagine a kingdom where there’s no music
of any kind. No instruments, no songs, no tunes. Then one day a group of minstrels
shows up and begins playing their instruments. Except they play them the way a child
would play—randomly and coarsely, banging away on them. And the offspring of these
minstrels—their children and grandchildren—carry on this tradition, touring the
countryside playing this same racket. Hypothetically, after 100 years of this, would the
citizens of this kingdom have learned to appreciate this so-called “music,” or would they
continue to judge it for what it was….a grating and irritating racket?
HEATHER
(impressed)
Wow. I never thought of it that way.
SABRINA
I have to agree with your wife….you do tend to over-analyze things.
MURRAY
I’m not over-analyzing anything. It’s a fair question. A logical question….(turns to
JAY)….and Mr. Music Man here needs to answer it.
JAY
My answer is Yes. I think they would come to appreciate these sounds….just like we’ve
come to appreciate modern art.
MURRAY
So you think people would eventually find a way to make order out of chaos?
JAY
Why not? When you break it down to the physics, music is nothing more than a series of
vibrations on the eardrum. It’s the brain that turns those vibrations into something
pleasant. (pause) Take Chinese music, for example. It sounds like crap to us, but the
Chinese obviously like it.
MURRAY
I’m sorry, but you’re wrong.
JAY
(aggressively)
Why am I wrong?
MURRAY
(calmly)
You’re wrong because without symmetry, there’s nothing. Without the musical notes
corresponding to a mathematical ratio, there’s no structure. (pause) And while this
numerical relationship may not qualify as the Meaning of Life, it is a basic and
fundamental truth…..and everything in the universe derives from it.
RICHARD
(genuinely curious)
Derives from what? From structure?
MURRAY
From symmetry. (earnestly) Symmetry is everything. Symmetry is what makes a human
face attractive. It’s what renders a flower beautiful. It’s what makes architecture and
mechanical engineering possible. Symmetry is the organizing principle of the universe.
JAY
(resentfully)
I thought you said you didn’t have a theory.
MURRAY
I was being modest.
JAY
(glares at him)
You were lying.
MURRAY
I wasn’t lying. I was holding back. I didn’t want to dominate the conversation.
HEATHER
I think Murray’s right. About symmetry, I mean. Because if you….
JAY
(cuts her off, belligerently)
And I think Murray’s full of shit.
RICHARD
Hey, take it easy, bro. We’re just having a friendly conversation here.
JAY
(imploringly, to RICHARD)
Can’t you see what he’s doing? (agitated) He’s trying to throw us under the bus.
MURRAY
(maintaining his composure, to RICHARD)
I advise you to tell your friend to keep his mouth shut.
JAY
Leave him out of this. It’s got nothing to do with him.
MURRAY
I wasn’t talking to you.
JAY
(with steely, macho menace)
But you are now.
SABRINA
(growing alarmed)
Jay….what’s going on? What are you doing?
JAY
Don’t worry, Sabrina, I’ll be alright. (macho) I can take care of myself.
MURRAY
(stares at him, sizes him up)
Are you challenging me to a fight? (genuinely curious) Is that what this is?
JAY
It is what it is.
MURRAY
“It is what it is”? (mocking him) What’s that supposed to mean?
JAY
(cryptically)
It means what it means.
MURRAY
It’s only fair to warn you, friend, I hold a 4th degree black belt in Tay-Koh-Mah.
JAY
Tay-Koh-Mah?? What the hell’s that?
MURRAY
An obscure but deadly martial art from northern Thailand.
JAY
Oooooooh….look at me. (pretends to tremble) I’m shaking in my boots.
MURRAY
You’ve been warned, friend….(calm and confident) but it’s your call.
HEATHER
(excited)
Oh my God, they’re going to fight.
RICHARD
He’s a lawyer, Jay. Touch one hair on his head, and he’ll sue your ass off.
JAY
(addressing RICHARD but still glaring at MURRAY)
Sorry, bro….but I’m way past give-a-shit.
(to MURRAY, with menace)
You wanna throw down with me, pal? Is that what you want? (macho) Because if that’s
what you want, I’m definitely open for business. (JAY raises his fists)
(MURRAY feigns a blow to JAY’s face. When JAY tries to block it, MURRAY hits him
in the stomach. JAY bellows like an animal, drops to his knees, breathless.)
SABRINA
Oh, my God! What have you done?!?
MURRAY
You all heard him challenge me. Should he seek litigation, you’ll be called as witnesses.
JAY
(annoyed, embarrassed, but still in pain, still on the ground)
Shut up….no one’s going to seek litigation.
HEATHER
He doesn’t look too good. Maybe we should call 911.
SABRINA
She’s right, Jay. Maybe you should see a doctor.
JAY
(waves her off, still in pain)
No….no doctor. I’m fine.
RICHARD
You don’t look fine, bro. He may have ruptured you.
MURRAY
Oh, please, I barely touched him.
JAY
(embarrassed and frustrated, but sill in pain)
Shut up….okay? Just….shut up….
SABRINA
Would you like to go over there and lie down, Jay?
HEATHER
That’s a good idea. Lie down, bend your knees, and slowly rotate your legs.
JAY
(still in pain, thinks about it a moment)
I better not. (pause) I don’t want to lose my place in line.
SABRINA
Don’t be silly. We’ll save your place.
HEATHER
Of course we will.
MURRAY
(spoken with authority)
No, we won’t.
SABRINA
Don’t be absurd.
MURRAY
It’s not absurd. It’s the law of the line. You snooze, you lose. (pompously) And without
laws, we’d become savages. Without laws, we’d be reduced to….
RICHARD
(cuts him off, as peacemaker)
Look, everybody, we still have a long wait. It doesn’t make sense to argue like this. You
guys need to call a truce. (pause) Shake hands or something.
SABRINA
That’s a good idea. Shake hands.
HEATHER
Maybe give each other a big hug.
JAY
(points up at him from the floor, but not looking at him, speaks petulantly)
I will not hug that man!
RICHARD
Then apologize and shake hands like gentlemen.
SABRINA
(to JAY, pampering him like a child)
Are you able to use your legs?
MURRAY
Of course he can use his legs. (disgusted at her pampering) For godssakes, the man just
had the wind knocked out of him.
(JAY stands unsteadily, SABRINA assists him)
RICHARD
C’mon, guys….apologize and shake. (to MURRAY) You first.
MURRAY
(pauses, then speaks formally)
I stipulate to the fact we had a dispute, and that it escalated into a physical altercation.
And while this, in no way, constitutes an admission of guilt….I regret the outcome.
RICHARD
(annoyed)
This isn’t a courtroom, Murray. Talk normal….and use his name.
MURRAY
What’s his name again?
RICHARD
His name is Jay. Jay Holly.
MURRAY
We had a dispute, Jay Holly. (reluctantly) Sorry how it ended. No hard feelings.
JAY
(pauses, then mutters reluctantly)
I’m sorry, too. (grudgingly) No hard feelings.
RICHARD
Use his name, Jay.
JAY
No hard feelings, Murray.
(THEY shake. RICHARD beams at having been the mediator.)
HEATHER
(bubbly)
Watching two men fight is so exciting.
RICHARD
(nitpicking)
I’m not sure I’d call that a “fight” exactly. I mean….it was more like a….
SABRINA
(cuts him off, annoyed)
Seriously? You found that….that barbaric spectacle….exciting?
HEATHER
Yeah. Didn’t you?
SABRINA
(indignantly)
I most certainly did not. I don’t enjoy any aspect of physical violence. I don’t enjoy
receiving it, I don’t enjoy inflicting it, and I don’t enjoy witnessing it.
HEATHER
That’s not what I said. (emphatically) I didn’t say I enjoy it. I said it excites me.
(quieter) It arouses me. (self-consciously) Sexually, I mean.
(THEY ALL stare at her)
ACT II
(Fifteen minutes later. JAY and SABRINA are quietly talking; MURRAY is reading
and lifting; HEATHER is doing light calisthenics; RICHARD is more or less fidgeting.)
RICHARD
(looks around, checks his watch)
Hey….I just thought of something. What if they cancel this thing because there’s not
enough people?
(pause)
SABRINA
I hadn’t considered that.
JAY
(concerned)
Could they do that? I mean, there’s never any guarantee what size crowd you’re going to
get. Surely, they’d factor that in.
MURRAY
(authoritatively)
Of course they can do that.
SABRINA
But is it legal? After selling tickets and having people show up, can they just cancel it?
MURRAY
Of course it’s legal. All they’d be required to do is provide refunds. They’re under no
obligation.
JAY
(checks his watch, optimistically)
There’s still time for more people to show up.
RICHARD
(checks his watch)
I hope you’re right. (scans the area, looks pessimistic) Because I don’t think they’re
going to do the whole enchilada for only five people.
HEATHER
(notices an arrival in the distance, announces cheerfully)
Six people.
(FLETCHER ENTERS, dragging a plastic chair. HE plops the chair down, sits on it.
NO ONE speaks for a moment. THEY stare with curiosity.)
JAY
(finally)
How do you do, sir?
FLETCHER
(amiably)
Fine, thanks.
HEATHER
(cheerfully)
Welcome to the line.
FLETCHER
Well, thank you very much. Glad to be here.
(pause)
HEATHER
(gestures to the others)
We’ve already exchanged names and know a little bit about each other….like what we do
for a living, if we’re married or single, stuff like that.
FLETCHER
Ah….so you arrived early? Very prudent of you. As I always say, I’d rather be early
than late. (smiles, looks around) Although that probably wasn’t necessary today.
HEATHER
(pauses, politely)
Since we’ve already gotten to know each other…. we thought maybe….you’d like
to….(hint, hint) you know….
FLETCHER
(suddenly understands)
Oh, my goodness….of course. (stands up) You’re asking me to introduce myself.
SABRINA
Only if you’re comfortable with it. We’re just a group of strangers standing in line.
We’re not here to form friendships. (fondly, to JAY) At least not with everyone.
(JAY beams at the reference to him)
FLETCHER
No, I’d be more than happy to oblige. (smiles) Fletcher Jack….pleased to meet you all.
RICHARD
(hesitates, quizzically)
Fletcher Jack?
FLETCHER
Yes, sir.
RICHARD
(suspiciously)
Is that like….backwards? I mean….are you doing it like they do in the Army…. first
name last, and last name first? (bluntly) Are you actually Jack Fletcher?
FLETCHER
(mildly annoyed at being challenged, tries to remain polite)
No, I’m not Jack Fletcher. I’m Fletcher Jack. Fletcher’s my first name. (pleasantly)
But please….my friends call me “Fletch.”
HEATHER
(cheerfully)
Hi, Fletch. I’m Heather.
FLETCHER
Hello, Heather.
JAY
Jay Holly.
FLETCHER
Jay.
MURRAY
Murray Lizt, attorney at law.
FLETCHER
Murray.
RICHARD
Richard.
FLETCHER
Richard.
SABRINA
Sabrina.
FLETCHER
Hello, Sabrina.
(genuinely pleased)
Sabrina. That’s a beautiful name. I’ve always liked that name.
SABRINA
(politely)
Thank you.
HEATHER
(modestly)
What about my name? It’s Scottish, (with a brogue) from the highlands of Scotland.
FLETCHER
(graciously)
Oh, yes, “Heather” is a lovely name also. It has a very nice ring to it.
(politely)
Of course, if we change the “r” to an “n,” it becomes “Heathen.” And then….well….we
have a little problem, don’t we?
(HEATHER is taken aback, exchanges a puzzled look with JAY)
MURRAY
So, Fletch, what line of work are you in?—if you don’t mind me asking.
FLETCHER
Not at all. I’m a writer.
MURRAY
A writer? Really? What kind of writer?
FLETCHER
Well, I’m a….
JAY
(cuts him off, enthusiastically)
Wait….hold it. Let me guess. I’m pretty good at reading people. (boasts) In my line of
work you have to be.
(studies FLETCHER a long moment, speaks with confidence)
Okay….I’m going to say you’re a fiction writer. Short-stories and novels.
FLETCHER
Nope.
JAY
(reconsiders)
What about screenplays? Do you write for TV and the movies?
FLETCHER
Nope.
JAY
(studies him a moment)
Stage plays? Theater? Are you a playwright?
FLETCHER
I’m afraid not.
JAY
Okay. Give me a sec. (thinks) I’m going to go out on a limb….and say….(pause)
you’re a journalist. Newspapers, blogs, magazine articles….that sort of thing.
FLETCHER
No.
JAY
(pause)
A children’s writer?
FLETCHER
No.
JAY
A technical writer?
FLETCHER
No.
MURRAY
(snidely)
I thought you said you were good at this.
JAY
(desperate)
Are you a poet? Do you write poetry?
FLETCHER
No.
JAY
Am I getting warmer?
RICHARD
(incredulous)
Warmer? My God, what’s left?
FLETCHER
(trying to help him)
Well, with “poet” you were getting a little warmer.
JAY
(disappointed)
Okay….I give up. Anybody else have a guess?
HEATHER
Do you write cookbooks?
FLETCHER
No, ma’am.
MURRAY
Self-help books?
FLETCHER
No, sir.
RICHARD
Travel books?
FLETCHER
No.
SABRINA
Military training and weapons specification manuals?
FLETCHER
(decides they’ve run out of guesses)
Actually, I work in the sentiment market.
(pause, as THEY appear bewildered)
MURRAY
Define “sentiment.”
JAY
(interjects)
Isn’t that like romance novels? (to SABRINA) Didn’t I say that? (to the OTHERS,
mildly annoyed) I thought I already said that.
FLETCHER
(proudly)
I write greeting cards.
HEATHER
You mean like Hallmark?
FLETCHER
(pleased)
Yes, ma’am, exactly like Hallmark. In fact, over the years I’ve done quite a bit of
freelance work for the Hallmark folks.
HEATHER
(impressed)
That is too cool.
RICHARD
(casually)
Not to pry, but is there any money in that racket? I mean….I realize you get paid and all,
but is there any real dough?
FLETCHER
(flatly)
I manage to make a decent living.
HEATHER
It sounds exciting. And very creative.
SABRINA
(thoughtfully)
I can see where that vocation would be steady work. Not everybody buys books or
magazines, but most people buy greeting cards.
(to JAY, disapprovingly)
Apparently, American consumers have no problem with asking total strangers to convey
their most personal and heartfelt emotions.
JAY
(politely)
Supply and demand….it’s the First Law of the Marketplace.
FLETCHER
(proudly)
I specialize in birthdays and anniversaries, but, lately, have begun branching out into
birth announcements.
HEATHER
(sees him coming, speaks softly)
Oh, my God, here he comes again.
RICHARD
(instructs them)
Just act natural.
(ZOMBIE MAN ENTERS. HE walks by slowly, looking troubled and menacing. HE
loiters a few moments, glaring at them, then wanders off, EXITS.)
FLETCHER
(mildly alarmed)
Who is he?
JAY
We don’t know who he is. And I’m not sure we want to know, if you get my drift.
FLETCHER
Is he Scandinavian?
MURRAY
We assume he is.
HEATHER
(cheerfully)
We call him “Zombie Man.”
FLETCHER
(hesitates, curious)
Why do you call him that?
HEATHER
It’s obvious, isn’t it? I mean, he looks exactly like a zombie. The way he walks, the way
he….
SABRINA
(cuts her off)
Hold it, puddin’ head. (rudely) We don’t call him that. You call him that. The rest of us
don’t even believe that zombies exist, so we have no point of reference.
HEATHER
(to FLETCHER, clarifies)
Okay, I call him that. (to SABRINA, with emphasis) Because he looks exactly like a
zombie.
FLETCHER
Has he indicated what he wants? Has he said anything? Can he speak English?
JAY
We have no idea what he wants. And he hasn’t said a word.
FLETCHER
(strains to see where he went)
Well….I must say, I’ve never seen anyone quite like him. A very menacing fellow….not
someone I’d like to meet in a dark alley.
RICHARD
(makes a joke)
Wouldn’t it be funny if he was the main speaker at the presentation?
(THEY ALL chuckle, even SABRINA)
(JAY does an imitation of ZOMBIE MAN walking. THEY all laugh.)
MURRAY
Fletch, not to change the subject, but I’d like to ask you a professional question, if you
don’t mind.
FLETCHER
(pleasantly)
Not at all. Fire away.
MURRAY
From a practical standpoint, I’ve never been able to understand why we need new
greeting cards. I mean, why couldn’t a birthday message from 5 or 10 years ago be used
over and over again? Nobody saves or collects those things. Nobody memorizes them.
It’s not like a book you’ve already read or a movie you’ve already seen.
SABRINA
(speaks approvingly)
That’s true. Nobody gets a birthday card and says, “Hey, wait one darn minute here. I
got this identical card from Uncle Dave 5 years ago.”
(JAY chuckles in agreement)
FLETCHER
(politely)
It might surprise you, but our society continues to evolve…both cognitively and
emotionally. We’re constantly expressing ourselves in different ways, with new words
and new phrases. American culture is continually reinventing itself.
MURRAY
(unprepared for such erudition)
Well, sure….of course….I mean….I understand the premise. All I’m saying is that I
don’t believe that those….phenomena necessarily apply to greeting cards.
FLETCHER
(pleasantly)
Believe me, if our bosses thought they could get away with that, they wouldn’t pay us to
write new ones. They’re always looking for ways to reduce overhead and save….
RICHARD
(cuts him off, points to it)
Why’d you bring a chair with you?
FLETCHER
I have weak legs. (serious) When I stand too long, the veins in my legs tend to expand.
And when they expand too much, they tend to explode. (politely) Then we have a little
problem, don’t we?
RICHARD
(hesitates, as he tries to absorb what he just heard)
Where will you leave it once we go inside?
FLETCHER
I’ll leave right here.
RICHARD
(surprised)
Here? Outside? Aren’t you afraid someone’ll kipe it?
FLETCHER
(with absolute certitude)
Trust me. No one ever steals one plastic chair. (pleased with himself) Think about that.
(RICHARD and JAY mull it over a moment, nod casually in agreement)
HEATHER
(cheerfully)
Would you do one of your cards for us, Fletch?
FLETCHER
(hesitates, unsure what she means)
Do one? (pleased) Oh….you mean recite one for you?
HEATHER
(cheerfully)
Yes….please. We’d love to hear it.
FLETCHER
(flattered)
Sure, I’d be glad to. Which occasion would you like—a birthday or anniversary?
HEATHER
(excited)
Do a birthday.
FLETCHER
Humorous or sincere?
HEATHER
Humorous.
FLETCHER
A young person’s birthday or an old person’s?
HEATHER
An old person’s.
FLETCHER
An old man or an old woman?
HEATHER
An old man.
FLETCHER
A friend, or a family member?
HEATHER
A family member.
FLETCHER
A family member or a spouse?
HEATHER
A spouse.
RICHARD
(impatiently)
C’mon, buddy….just spit one out for us. (to JAY, annoyed) Why’s he making such a big
deal out of this?
FLETCHER
(ignores him, summarizes it very carefully)
Okay, so what you’re asking for is….a humorous birthday greeting from a an elderly
woman to her elderly husband. Right?
HEATHER
(pleased)
Right. (to the group, excitedly) This is going to be fun.
FLETCHER
(thinks a moment)
Okay. Here’s one I did a few months ago. (modestly) I’ve been told it’s selling very well
among senior citizens.
(pauses dramatically before reciting)
“Happy Birthday, darling. I love you more than words can say.”
(pause)
“And just remember, dear….you’re not getting older….you’re getting better.”
(smiles in anticipation)
Then we open the card….and read the punchline:
(pauses for dramatic effect)
“As long as we define better as wrinkled, bald, flabby, incontinent, and absent-minded.”
(an awkward pause)
HEATHER
(claps her hands softly, offers a hollow “courtesy laugh”)
Very good. (with fake cheer) That was funny.
RICHARD
(mutters, to JAY)
I can’t believe people pay money for that.
FLETCHER
(politely)
Well….to each his own.
JAY
(pleasantly)
I’m afraid I have to agree with Richard. I really didn’t see the humor in that. In fact, it
seemed a bit—I don’t know—a bit cruel. (to SABRINA) Did it seem cruel to you?
SABRINA
It was insulting and sadistic. (peremptorily) I found it grotesque.
RICHARD
(sarcastically)
But it was original, right? I mean….Mark Twain didn’t say it first, did he?
(SABRINA scowls at him)
FLETCHER
Some folks prefer the meat-and-potatoes material, and others prefer the edgier stuff.
(pauses, thinks) Here’s another one. A 50th birthday greeting. It’s done in a train station
motif, so try to visualize a photograph of an old-fashioned train depot on the front.
(dramatically)
“All aboard! Now departing for Middle-Age.” Then we open the card, and it reads:
(dramatically)
“Enjoy the visit. Next stop: Senility and death.”
(HEATHER again applauds weakly, forces a courtesy laugh)
JAY
(hesitates, tries to be diplomatic)
Sorry, Fletch….but I that one didn’t really….grab hold of me either. (to RICHARD,
politely) How about yourself, Richard? Did you think it was ….?
RICHARD
(cuts him off, bluntly)
No….I thought it was crap.
MURRAY
(objectively)
It must be hard to write material that appeals to everyone’s sense of humor.
FLETCHER
Believe me, it’s a real challenge. Which is why those of us who can write funny material
are paid more than those who can only do the serious stuff. (pause) Humor is king.
HEATHER
Do another one, Fletch.
FLETCHER
(pleased)
Really? Are you sure?
HEATHER
Please.
RICHARD
(sarcastically)
Yes, by all means….keep them coming….
FLETCHER
Okay. Here’s an anniversary greeting from a husband to his wife….
(dramatically)
“I just wanted to remind you, dear, that we’ve been happily married for 10 years.”
(pauses for dramatic effect)
And when we open the card, it reads: “And 10 out of 12 ain’t bad.”
(HEATHER laughs spontaneously)
MURRAY
I like that one. That was cute.
RICHARD
(grudgingly)
It was cute.
FLETCHER
Thank you.
SABRINA
(incredulous)
Cute?? What woman in her right mind would ever want a card like that?
JAY
(tentatively)
I have to agree with Sabrina. Even though it was witty, it was also sort of….degrading.
FLETCHER
(repeats her question)
What woman would want a card like this? (politely) A woman who’s self-confident and
secure in her marriage. A woman with an off-beat, non-traditional sense of humor.
HEATHER
(helpfully)
You mean a liberated woman?
FLETCHER
(pleased)
Exactly.
SABRINA
(contemptuously)
You’re confusing “liberation” with “self-loathing,” sweetie.
HEATHER
(no idea)
Pardon?
SABRINA
(snotty)
You wouldn’t understand.
FLETCHER
Of course, the latest trend in the sentiment market is what we call “attitude cards”—cards
that offer an aggressive, in-your-face attitude. They’ve become big sellers.
HEATHER
(enthusiastically)
Do an attitude card for us, Fletch.
FLETCHER
Okay. Here’s a typical one. (dramatically) “If you like this birthday card, you can put it
in your desk. (pause) If you love this birthday card, you can hang it on the fridge.
(pause) But if you hate this birthday card—even though I wasted 30 minutes of my life
shopping for it—you can stick it up your ass.”
(HEATHER and THE MEN laugh uproariously)
SABRINA
(watches them laugh a moment, then speaks, disgusted)
I can’t believe how low we’ve sunk as a culture.
RICHARD
(exasperated)
Hey, lighten up, lady. It was funny, okay? (pointedly) It was a funny card.
SABRINA
(dripping with sarcasm)
Yes….of course….very recreational.
FLETCHER
Excuse me, folks, but I need to sit down. I have weak legs.
(HE sits)
MURRAY
(gestures to the line)
So, Fletch, are you surprised by the low turnout? Only six of us?
FLETCHER
(looks around the area, speaks casually)
No, not really. I’m been to half a dozen of these things. Some were crowded and some
weren’t. You have to wonder how they make any money. (recalls) In fact, the one I
attended in San Diego last year had only two people—myself and one other guy, a real
estate salesman.
JAY
(perks up)
Hey, just like me. I’m in real estate.
FLETCHER
This man was gay.
JAY
He was gay?
FLETCHER
(with distaste)
I’m afraid so.
RICHARD
(annoyed)
How’d you know he was gay? (looks to JAY, seeking an ally) And so what? So what if
he was gay? (defiantly) Elton John is gay and I love that guy.
JAY
And why would you make a snap judgement like that? You see some guy in a room and
you automatically assume he’s gay? (peevishly) That’s a little weird, isn’t it?
FLETCHER
It wasn’t a snap judgement. (casually) He asked me to have sex with him.
HEATHER
(giggles)
Oh my God. He wanted to have sex during the presentation?
FLETCHER
No. Afterward. At Starbucks. We went out for coffee. (casually) He propositioned me
right there in the parking lot. Believe me, it was a very awkward moment.
(pause)
SABRINA
(politely)
Are you gay, sir?
FLETCHER
(surprised)
Me? You’re asking me if I’m gay?
SABRINA
Well, you said you’re a writer, and gay people tend to be creative. (to JAY) Am I right?
Aren’t gay people creative?
JAY
I believe they are, yes.
FLETCHER
(smugly)
I’m happily married.
HEATHER
(hesitates)
To a woman?
FLETCHER
(annoyed)
Yes, to a woman. (stands up) Let me assure you….I am not gay. I am 100%
heterosexual. (emphatically) 110%.
MURRAY
(changing the subject)
Getting back to the turnout, why do you think so few people show up for these things?
FLETCHER
(casually)
I think it’s fairly obvious, isn’t it? Most people don’t want another person lecturing them
about the meaning of life. They either already have a pretty good idea what it is, or they
have no interest in knowing. Simple as that.
SABRINA
May I ask why you keep attending these things? You said you’ve been to several.
FLETCHER
They help in my work. The questions the audience asks are an excellent source of new
material. Not to ridicule anyone, but the people who show up for these things ask some
of the stupidest questions you can imagine. If it weren’t so useful, it would be pathetic.
SABRINA
So you’re not really trying to find out the meaning of life, so much as to get new ideas for
greeting cards? (to JAY) Doesn’t that seem rather…insincere?
JAY
(ever so gently disagreeing)
Hey, the man’s doing research for his work. We have to respect that.
FLETCHER
(modestly)
Not to boast or come off as superior, but I can honestly say I have nothing more to learn
about the meaning of life.
RICHARD
You already know the answer?
FLETCHER
(confidently)
Yes, sir.
RICHARD
(rudely)
Then maybe you should be up there on stage….giving this lecture instead of attending it.
FLETCHER
I didn’t mean to sound arrogant. I was just stating a fact.
HEATHER
We’ve all shared what we thought the meaning of life was, Fletch. Would you like to tell
us your theory? (looks to the group, eagerly) I’m sure we’d all be interested.
JAY
(interjects)
Before he starts, maybe he should….you know, tell us a little something about himself.
SABRINA
Only if he’s comfortable with it.
FLETCHER
I’m fine with it.
JAY
(summarizing)
Let me bring you up to speed, Fletch. (proudly) I’m in the real estate game. I have a
luxury condominium on the island of Maui….right there on the water….right next to it. I
mean, you could throw a rock and hit the Pacific Ocean.
(continues, distastefully)
Murray here is a lawyer.
(smiles)
The very lovely and accomplished Sabrina is a researcher for a think-tank and an expert
on Mark Twain. Richard works at the morgue and collects antique baseball cards. And
Heather is a waitress at a restaurant….
HEATHER
(cuts him off)
It’s a very fashionable vegetarian restaurant called “A Hint of Mint,” in Santa Monica,
right on the promenade….not far from the pier. In fact, you could throw a rock and hit
the pier. (as if reciting the menu) Our specialties are mushroom and asparagus lasagna,
and Mediterranean pizza, made with feta cheese, mint leaves, and basil.
JAY
Tell us a little about yourself and your family, Fletch….where you’re from, your
background….that sort of thing….
FLETCHER
(happy to oblige)
Well, I originally hail from Wisconsin, but my family—mom, dad, two sisters—moved to
San Francisco when I was 14. I went to high school in the Bay area, and graduated from
San Francisco State with a degree in English. I’m married, and have two sons. My
wife’s name is Kate, and our boys, ages 9 and 5, are named Samuel and William.
JAY
(impressed with the names)
Excellent names. Samuel and William. Sam and Bill. (pauses, speaks with sugary
affection) Sammy and Lil’ Billy. Yessir….two fine, rock-solid American names.
(MURRAY glares at him)
HEATHER
(politely)
May I ask how you met your wife?
FLETCHER
We met at a school dance during our junior year. Kate and I were what you might call
“college sweethearts.” After that dance we were practically inseparable. It was love at
first sight. And I’m a lucky man, because Kate’s a very pretty woman.
RICHARD
How pretty?
FLETCHER
Pardon?
RICHARD
How pretty is she?
FLETCHER
(confused)
I’m not sure I understand.
RICHARD
You said she was very pretty, and I’m asking how pretty. Is she….every day pretty….or
magazine pretty? (pause) Would a professional athlete be proud to have her for a wife?
FLETCHER
(still baffled)
Well….Kate is just ….I mean, she’s just….a very attractive woman.
HEATHER
(sweetly)
That’s so romantic how you met your wife, Fletch. In college like that. It’s right out of a
movie.
FLETCHER
(proudly)
I have to admit….I’m a very fortunate man. I have my health, a gratifying job, a
beautiful wife, and two very bright, good-looking, heterosexual boys. You could say I’ve
got the world by the tail.
MURRAY
How’d you wind up in the greeting card business?
FLETCHER
Like many other English majors, I dreamed of one day becoming a famous novelist.
(smiles) Another Ernest Hemingway. But after thinking about it, I realized I could reach
a lot more people by plying my trade in the sentiment market.
RICHARD
(snotty)
So instead of the Great American Novel, you decided to write the Great American
Birthday Card.
FLETCHER
(annoyed, but remains polite)
I guess you could say that.
HEATHER
(enthusiastically)
Now tell us your theory of the meaning of life, Fletch. We’ve already told ours.
FLETCHER
It sounds like you folks had a lively discussion. I’m sorry I missed it.
HEATHER
(proudly)
It was a very lively discussion. Oh….and we had a fight, too. An old-fashioned fistfight.
SABRINA
(annoyed)
Why on earth you would bring that up?
HEATHER
Are you kidding? Why wouldn’t I bring it up? (excitedly) Two men fighting isn’t
something you see every day.
FLETCHER
(interested)
A fistfight? Really?
RICHARD
I’m not sure you could call it a fight. I mean….one punch and that was it.
FLETCHER
(interested)
That was it?
RICHARD
Yeah. One punch and….Adios, muchacho.
FLETCHER
(probing)
Were you one of the combatants?
RICHARD
Me? God, no.
(awkward pause, before MURRAY confesses)
MURRAY
It was me. (points to JAY) Me and Jay. And it was no big deal, really.
JAY
(playing it down, making it sound inconsequential)
He’s right. It was no biggie. Words were exchanged, feelings were hurt, and things got
out of hand….but it was no big thing.
FLETCHER
(politely, but obviously very interested)
Would I be intruding if I asked for more details?
RICHARD
(curtly, annoyed that he’s prying)
Yeah, well….it’s sort of a long story.
JAY
(quickly jumps in, not wanting to discuss it further)
Very long and very boring.
MURRAY
(expansively)
Maybe I can help you out….(thinks a moment) Let’s just say that our real estate friend
here (smiles)….let’s just say that he had….D-cup notions of how to handle himself in a
fight ….but training bra skills in how to do it
(HEATHER giggles)
MURRAY
(continues, pleasantly)
In any event, I was forced to take care of business. (brightens) But hey….we shook
hands like gentlemen, and the matter’s been forgotten.
JAY
(flashing anger)
Really? That’s how you saw it? That you were forced to take care of business?
MURRAY
Well….yeah. I mean….you got in my face, Jay. You practically begged me to hit you. I
had no choice but to set you on your ass. (proudly, to FLETCHER) I hold a 4th degree
black belt in Tay-Koh-Mah.
FLETCHER
(knowingly)
Tay-Koh-Mah. A martial art developed in northern Thailand, if I’m not mistaken.
MURRAY
(impressed and pleased he knew it)
That’s right.
JAY
Let me get this straight. You’re saying that because I mouthed off, you had no choice but
to set me on my ass? (glowers) That’s your version of what happened?
SABRINA
(concerned)
Jay, relax. It’s over.
MURRAY
(cautions him)
Listen to her, Jay. Don’t start something you can’t finish.
JAY
(aggressively)
What do you say we run that tape again, Mr. Lizt? Mr. (air quotes) Zulu-Tango.
Except this time we do it like men. This time I don’t let you sucker-punch me.
MURRAY
(suddenly dead serious)
Did I hear you right, mister? Did you just accuse me of sucker-punching you?
JAY
(with menace)
You heard me right.
MURRAY
That’s a pretty serious charge where I come from.
JAY
I’m not only accusing you of sucker-punching me, I’m accusing you of being a multitasking shitbird.
(voice rising, gesturing to come forward)
And if you want to do something about it, please….be my guest.
RICHARD
(alarmed)
Jay….take it easy. You’ve made your point.
JAY
(to RICHARD)
Sorry, bro, but we need to settle this thing once and for all. (turns to MURRAY,
scornfully and with menace) That is, if you have the gonads for it.
HEATHER
( to FLETCHER, excitedly)
Gonads?!? (thrilled) Oh, my God….they’re going to fight.
MURRAY
(readies himself, spreads his feet, puts up his fists)
I don’t want to be accused of a cheap shot. (calmly) So please tell me when you’re ready.
JAY
(insulted)
Tell you when I’m ready?? (with bluster) I’ve got news for you, buddy-boy. I was
BORN ready!! Except this time I’m not going to stand there and let you….
(Before JAY can finish his sentence, MURRAY feigns a blow to JAY’s face. As JAY
attempts to block it, MURRAY hits JAY in the stomach, exactly as before. JAY falls to
his knees, bellows comically, like an animal, when hit.)
RICHARD
(sadly, to no one in particular)
Adios, muchacho.
SABRINA
(very concerned, motherly)
Jay?? Do you recognize my voice? Jay?? Can you hear me?
MURRAY
(disgusted by her motherly pampering)
Of course he can hear you. You think a man goes deaf when he’s hit in the stomach?
JAY
(in obvious pain, but embarrassed, to MURRAY)
Shut up, okay? Just….just….stop talking….
FLETCHER
(motions to his chair)
Sir, would you like to come and sit on my chair until you’re feeling better?
SABRINA
(maternally)
That’s a good idea, Jay. Go over there and sit down.
JAY
(looks at the chair, considers it)
I don’t want to lose my place in line.
FLETCHER
(reassuringly)
Don’t worry, sir, no one’s going to ask you to give up your place.
MURRAY
(loud and clear)
I’m afraid that’s not true. (patiently) I didn’t make the rules….I just follow ‘em.
RICHARD
(points)
Move that chair to where Jay is. That way he stays put, but he can sit down.
(to FLETCHER)
You okay with us moving your chair?
FLETCHER
I’m fine with it. (adds quickly) Unless I need it myself. I think I mentioned that I suffer
from….
RICHARD
(cuts him off)
Yeah….exploding veins. (unsympathetically) You already told us that.
(SABRINA moves the chair to JAY’s place, JAY sits in it.)
SABRINA
(maternally)
Is that better?
JAY
Much better. Thank you.
HEATHER
(amazed and thrilled)
I can’t believe it. I’ve seen two street fights in the same day.
SABRINA
(annoyed)
Can we talk about something else?
FLETCHER
(pleasantly, looking to change the mood)
Well….if we’re not too traumatized by what just happened, you were going to ask me
what I thought the meaning of life was.
HEATHER
(excitedly)
Yes, please tell us. We’d all like to hear.
FLETCHER
(hesitates, then speaks pleasantly)
Well, it’s not that complicated really. For me, the meaning of life starts and ends with
God. In fact, I can’t understand how anyone can operate in this chaotic world without
believing in God and Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. (continues) If a person believes
in God—truly believes in Him, with no doubts or reservations—then he has no reason to
scratch around looking for additional meaning, because he already has all the answers
he’ll ever need. (addresses the group, politely) Do you understand what I’m saying?
SABRINA
Yes….unfortunately.
FLETCHER
(pleasantly)
Something I said bothers you.
SABRINA
(hesitates)
Well, it’s just that….there’s lots of people in this world who don’t believe in God, but
who manage to live happy, productive lives.
FLETCHER
With all due respect, ma’am, how can one’s life be “productive” when it leads nowhere?
How can one’s life have meaning without also having an ultimate purpose? And without
God, I can assure you, life has no purpose. Without God, life has no destination.
SABRINA
(considers it a moment)
Not to sound sappy, but what about Love? Some people think Love is the most powerful
force on earth. Surely, you’re not suggesting that we can’t acknowledge the importance
of Love, unless we believe in God. (pause) And wouldn’t that apply to other things, as
well? Things like….Honor and Beauty…. Loyalty and Courage?
JAY
(leaves his chair, defending her position)
She’s right. Believing or not believing in God has nothing to do with any of that stuff.
FLETCHER
(to SABRINA, politely)
Do you believe in free will, ma’am?
SABRINA
Of course I do. I have no choice.
FLETCHER
Do you believe in God?
SABRINA
(pause, attempts to rephrase it)
In God….or in God’s logical equivalent?
FLETCHER
(impatiently)
In God. Do you believe in a Supreme Being?
SABRINA
(flatly)
No.
FLETCHER
(studies the group a moment)
Who else doesn’t believe in God? (pause, as no one makes a move) Let me rephrase
that: Would all those who do believe in God please raise your hands?
SABRINA
(annoyed)
Raise our hands? What are we—third graders?
FLETCHER
(continues, calmly)
Hands, please? Those who do believe in God?
(HEATHER and FLETCHER raise their hands, pause, look around)
FLETCHER
So the rest of you are atheists?
JAY
(quickly)
I’m not an atheist. I’m an agnostic. I have no idea whether or not God exists.….which,
by definition, makes me an agnostic.
RICHARD
Me too.
SABRINA
I’m an agnostic also….and for the same reason Jay is.
(SABRINA and JAY smile at each other, grasp hands)
FLETCHER
And you, sir? You’re an agnostic also?
MURRAY
Me? No. I’m the real deal….a lemon-sucking atheist. (proudly) I not only deny the
existence of an all-wise, all-good, and all-powerful Christian God, but in my opinion,
organized religion has done more harm to mankind than all the politics, all the wars, all
the diseases, and all the natural disasters combined.
FLETCHER
(studies him a long, somber moment)
And what about life after death? I assume you consider that….unlikely?
MURRAY
(scoffs)
I consider that a fantasy. To me, the notion of life after death is nothing more than a
manifestation of man’s greedy and cowardly desire to live forever. In fact, it was this
morbid fear of death that caused man to seek refuge in the supernatural in the first place.
(casually)
Which is why, if you were an Apache warrior, you got to spend eternity in the Happy
Hunting Ground, and if you were a Viking sailor, you got to spend it in Valhalla, and if
you’re a Hindu, you get to be re-born a thousand times, and if you’re a Christian, you get
to spend eternity it in Heaven. (pauses, smiles) But I have to give those theologians
credit. Immortality was a brilliant concept….and a wonderful recruiting device.
HEATHER
(jumping in, feeling she needs to speak up)
Well, I believe in God very much. (pause) Maybe not the Christian God, but some God.
(emphatically) I never doubted God’s existence for one minute. Not for one second.
RICHARD
She also thinks we’re all dead….(to FLETCHER) you included.
FLETCHER
Pardon?
RICHARD
Ask her.
HEATHER
(awkwardly, all eyes on her)
Well….it’s just a metaphysical theory I happen to subscribe to.
RICHARD
(casually to FLETCHER)
That Viking dude? She thinks he’s a zombie. And this line we’re standing in? She
thinks it’s a celestial way station. (politely) Have I got that right, Heather?
HEATHER
(embarrassed)
Yeah….I guess. But it sounds a lot sillier when you say it.
SABRINA
Not if you could hear yourself, sweetie.
FLETCHER
(concerned)
A celestial way station? Explain that to me.
HEATHER
(self-consciously)
A celestial way station is a place where deceased people wait to be reassigned. (politely)
It’s got nothing to do with Jesus. (pause) It’s sort of a…. staging area for the undead.
(happily) Just like in the movies.
FLETCHER
(with utter certitude)
Ma’am, I can assure you, there’s no such thing as the undead, and there’s no such thing
as zombies or celestial way stations. (chiding her) No matter how they’re portrayed in
Hollywood movies.
SABRINA
That’s what we’ve been trying to tell her, but it’s like talking to a brick wall.
FLETCHER
And I don’t mean this to be derogatory or unkind in any way. I truly don’t. But in my
opinion, anyone who hasn’t embraced God and Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is a
self-deluded wretch who deserves not only our collective pity, but our scorn and
contempt as well. (pleasantly) No offense intended.
MURRAY
None taken.
JAY
(taking offense)
Hey, pal, I hate to break the news to you, but….
MURRAY
(cuts him off)
Would you like to know how Christianity screwed up, Fletch? How it painted itself into
an impossible corner? Because I’d be happy to explain it.
FLETCHER
(flatly)
Say whatever you like.
MURRAY
Consider the following scenario. It’s New Year’s Eve, 1955. A young man and woman
meet in a Las Vegas casino. They’re both very drunk, but they hit it off, and soon
become excited at the prospect of a sexual liaison. So they leave the casino and check
into a cheap motel. And lying there on that rickety bed, bathed in the flashing neon light
of the “Vacancy” sign, they proceed to have drunken, loveless sex.
(HEATHER suppresses a giggle; HE continues)
They wake up the next morning, hungover and embarrassed, and can’t wait to leave.
They never even know each other’s name. All that these two sorry people did in that
motel room was hump each other like animals. Like rabbits….like chinchillas.
(tries to think of a worse example)
Like….wart hogs. (contemptuously) Except wart hogs do it sober and with more dignity.
RICHARD
(deadpan, to FLETCH)
You might consider that wart hog angle for one of your cards.
(JAY bursts out laughing)
FLETCHER
(growing impatient)
So what’s your point, Murray? What’s this have to do with God?
MURRAY
What’s this have to do with God? Absolutely nothing. And that’s my point. How could
there be a Christian God when, 9 months later, this woman gives birth to a perfectly
healthy baby? (energized) Why would God invent a world where something as
miraculous and precious as a healthy, newborn baby could be produced from a night of
drunken sex in a sleazy motel room in—of all places—Las Vegas, Nevada??
(on a roll)
Why would God create a world where two strangers can accidentally produce a baby they
don’t even want—one that the mother considers throwing into a dumpster—but a loving,
God-fearing married couple, who want a baby more than anything in the world—who, in
fact, have prayed to God for a baby—can’t have one? Or if they can have one, why
would God give this loving couple a baby with a serious birth defect? Answer me that.
(continues, defiantly)
And wouldn’t your Christian God have to know in advance exactly what was going to
happen? Wouldn’t he have to know it even before he created the world? Because if he
didn’t know it—if he didn’t know in advance exactly what was going to happen—it
would mean he wasn’t perfect. And if he wasn’t perfect, according to your own Christian
definition of God, it would mean he wasn’t God. (HE stares defiantly at FLETCHER)
(pause)
RICHARD
(blown away by the sheer logic of it)
Whoa.
FLETCHER
(wearily)
Oh, please. That tired, old argument has been around for a thousand years.
MURRAY
It may be tired and old, but it deserves an answer.
FLETCHER
All right….I’ll answer it. (patiently) The answer to your question is that we human
beings, no matter what, must never lose our Faith in God. Our frail minds aren’t
equipped to understand why God does certain things. We can’t know….
MURRAY
(cuts him off, rudely)
So, in other words, you have no idea
FLETCHER
That’s not what I said. What I said is that God moves in mysterious ways. It’s impossible
for us to understand how and why.…
MURRAY
(cuts him off, contemptuously)
In other words, you haven’t got the slightest clue what you’re talking about.
FLETCHER
(annoyed)
Fine. Have it your way.
JAY
(jumping in)
I don’t believe in God. But I’m not an atheist because, to me, a random universe can’t
explain everything. It can’t explain why people break down and cry when they see the
Grand Canyon….or why they cry at a majestic sunset or an ocean storm. And it can’t
explain the power that music has….the power to influence us….to alter us. A random
universe can’t explain why certain music causes people’s hearts to swell so much, they
want to stand up and march to it. (pause) That’s why I’m not an atheist.
SABRINA
(interjects, professorially)
Even though I don’t believe in God, I’m not an atheist either. I’m not one of those antireligion kooks who wants to file a lawsuit whenever they see a nativity scene in a public
building. (pause) And the reason I’m not an atheist is because I can’t understand how
life began from non-life….how a puff of cosmic dust turned into a living thing.
MURRAY
(patiently)
Science has already explained that.
SABRINA
No, they haven’t. They’ve given it the old college try, but they haven’t explained it.
FLETCHER
(agreeing with her, showing hostility)
She’s right. They’ve explained nothing. All they’ve done is….
SABRINA
(cuts him off, continues her thought)
But I don’t believe in a Christian God either. There’s no way I could ever accept the
explanation that some invisible Father in Heaven created the world. To me that story—
along with Adam and Eve, Noah’s ark, and all the rest of it—is nothing but a silly fairy
tale. And when I hear people claim to have seen the face of the Virgin Mary on a tortilla,
or a grilled cheese sandwich, it embarrasses me. It makes me cringe.
(continues)
But saying that everything started with the Big Bang—that 15 billion years ago a massive
explosion suddenly created the universe—doesn’t make any sense either. In fact, didn’t
Einstein say that both of those explanations—the Bible and the scientific version—were
equally religious? (earnestly) Just think about that. Which statement is weirder? Saying
that some magical deity snapped his fingers and invented the world out of nothing….or
that a microscopic particle exploded and created the whole shebang?
RICHARD
(interjects)
The ancient Greeks avoided that dilemma. To say that God created the universe, but that
nobody created God, seemed illogical to the Greeks. So they cut out the middleman.
They said nobody created the universe. The universe was always here.
SABRINA
(rudely)
For a County morgue worker, you have an inordinate interest in the ancient Greeks.
RICHARD
What’s that supposed to mean? I was just….
MURRAY
(cuts him off, to SABRINA, knowingly)
The period you’re alluding to, ma’am—the period before Space and Time came into
existence—is referred to by astronomers as Singularity. It’s well-documented.
SABRINA
I don’t care what name they give it. All I’m saying is that the human mind can’t wrap
itself around the concept. (hesitates) And just listen to yourself. Did you say, “before
Space and Time came into existence”?
(critically)
What does that even mean? Before there was Space or Time, what was there?
(energized) Please describe what the place looked like then, because we’d all love to
know.
MURRAY
(patiently)
Singularity wasn’t a place, ma’am. It’s a mathematical concept, a formulaic….
SABRINA
(cuts him off, continues, on a roll)
But biological evolution does make sense, because I can understand how complex life
forms evolved from simpler ones. To me, that seems perfectly reasonable. But what I
can’t understand is how a cluster of molecules suddenly sprang to life in the first place.
How one generation of molecules wasn’t alive, but the next generation was. (puzzled)
How mommy and daddy weren’t conscious, but their babies were.
(energized)
Do you see what I’m saying? I get how amoebas evolved into rats, and rats evolved into
lawyers, but what I don’t get is how a cluster of hydrogen molecules evolved into an
amoeba in the first place. Non-life evolving into life?? Non-living matter driving itself
to become a living thing?? How do we explain that? (pause) Why is there such a thing
as a Life Force in the universe? (calmly) That’s why I’m an agnostic and not an atheist.
JAY
(very impressed, almost dumbfounded)
Wow. (with affection) That was….very well said, Sabrina.
SABRINA
(pleased with herself)
Thank you.
JAY
(still blown away by her explanation)
I mean it….that was….(searching for a word)….wonderful.
(JAY approaches her tentatively. THEY share a kiss.)
RICHARD
(smirking)
A little tougher crowd than you expected, eh, Fletch?
FLETCHER
(brimming with confidence)
Not at all. There was lots of churning going on, but very little butter made.
(ZOMBIE MAN appears again)
HEATHER
Oh God….here comes that zombie again.
RICHARD
(instructs them)
Everybody look busy.
SABRINA
(flippantly carefree, content to be in JAY’s arms)
Zombie….vampire….werewolf….who cares? Leave him be. He’s not hurting anybody.
(ZOMBIE MAN stops and stares at RICHARD)
RICHARD
(pauses several moments, hoping ZOMBIE MAN moves on, speaks quietly)
I think he’s staring at me.
SABRINA
(chuckles, enjoying it)
You’re right….he is staring at you.
RICHARD
(mildly alarmed, trying to keep his voice low)
Why’s he doing that? Why’s he staring at me?
SABRINA
(clowning around, enjoying herself, speaks in a Dracula voice)
He vants you, Richard. He vants to possess you. He vants to suck your blood.
(JAY laughs)
RICHARD
(unamused)
That’s not funny.
(ZOMBIE MAN continues to stare at RICHARD)
HEATHER
(decisively)
You know what? I’m going to settle this once and for all. I’m going to ask him.
SABRINA
Don’t be stupid. Just ignore him.
MURRAY
Don’t provoke him. He’ll move on. He always does.
HEATHER
No, I really want to find out.
FLETCHER
I wouldn’t joke around, ma’am. The last thing we need is for some degenerate….
HEATHER
(cuts him off, speaks loudly but politely)
Excuse me, sir. We couldn’t help but notice your hat and were wondering if you were of
Scandinavian descent. (reaches into purse) Are you hungry? Would you like an apple?
(ZOMBIE MAN approaches HER, stares fiercely, ignores the apple)
Actually, what I really wanted to ask was more serious. (puts the apple back in her purse)
Are you dead, sir? Are you dead and waiting to be transported to the next realm? And
do I have that word right? Is that what your people call the next place? A realm?
JAY
(hastily, trying to divert his attention)
Hey…look at me, friend….look over here. What she’s trying to say is….(pauses,
uncertain) I mean….actually, what we’d all like to know is….
RICHARD
(cuts him off)
What are you doing? (mildly alarmed) Don’t encourage him. Just keep quiet.
JAY
(ignores RICHARD, continues)
Sir, what are you doing here? That’s our question. What is it you want?
(helpfully)
Do you need money? Because if it’s bus fare or cab fare, or a room for the night, I’m
sure we can pass the hat and raise a few dollars.
FLETCHER
(objects)
Speak for yourself. I don’t believe in encouraging these parasites. It only makes them
weaker and more dependent.
RICHARD
(with contempt)
You cheap bastard.
FLETCHER
And besides, I didn’t bring any cash with me.
RICHARD
(doesn’t believe him)
Really? You didn’t bring any money? Show me your wallet. Here….let me see it.
MURRAY
(interrupts, taking charge)
Good afternoon, sir. My name is Murray Lizt, attorney at law.
(motions to the others)
I represent these people.
(JAY turns to SABRINA, annoyed at MURRAY taking over)
I must ask you to state your business or kindly move along. I realize you’ve done no
harm, but some of us have become a bit unnerved by you. Also, if we wish to get
technical, your presence here does constitute loitering. (reassuringly) Not that we have
any intention of pressing charges.
(ZOMBIE MAN moves closer, glowers at them. THEY all reflexively cringe.)
(Suddenly, HE pulls a knife out of his bag. THEY scream, scatter, run for shelter.)
(HEATHER remains, too stunned to run)
(HE lunges, attacks HER savagely.)
HEATHER
(cries out, terror-stricken)
No! Please!! Don’t hurt me! Please….NO!! (SHE screams)
(each time he plunges the knife, he shouts)
ZOMBIE MAN
When the End comes….when it all spills out….
(plunges knife)
Everything is purged! Mosquitoes!! Bacteria!! Uranium!!
(plunges knife)
Everything squirts out of its own skin!!
(plunges knife)
Bob McTavish and Mary Jane Wheeler….and the dog they ran with….and Barry, that
dog at the mall….with the silver teeth!!
(plunges knife)
And that other dog, Wilson….with all the skin hanging down!
(HE kills her. HE staggers away, EXITS.)
(Moments go by. THEY cautiously return, find HEATHER dead.)
RICHARD
(loud and panicky)
Oh my God! He cut Heather!!
SABRINA
Oh my God!
RICHARD
(shouts)
Somebody call the police! I left my phone in the car.
MURRAY
(taking charge)
I already called them.
SABRINA
Did you call for an ambulance?
MURRAY
(kneels down, feels her pulse)
I’m afraid it’s too late for that.
SABRINA
(panicky)
Don’t say that!
JAY
(alarmed)
Are you sure?!
MURRAY
(touches her again)
There’s no pulse, and she’s already losing body heat. (pause) He must’ve hit a vital
organ.
(SABRINA begins crying)
JAY
(to RICHARD, anxiously)
Richard….you work in a morgue….check her out, bro….
(RICHARD kneels beside her)
SABRINA
(shrilly, through her tears)
Don’t touch her breasts!
RICHARD
(glares at SABRINA, embarrassed)
I’m not going to touch her breasts. (leans over, carefully touches her neck, forehead,
wrist) Yeah….(barely audible)….she’s dead.
JAY
(stunned)
Oh my God….
(SABRINA cries harder)
FLETCHER
(looks around, makes sure ZOMBIE MAN is gone)
What could she have been thinking? (being critical of her) I mean….why on earth
would she start a conversation with a man like that?
RICHARD
(mumbles, still in semi-shock)
Because she wasn’t afraid of people. (sadly) She trusted people.
JAY
That’s true. She did trust people. She had a big heart. (chokes up) She was kind.
MURRAY
(solemnly)
She was very kind.
FLETCHER
(ignores the body, looks around suspiciously)
I wonder where that guy went. He could still be lurking around here, you know.
SABRINA
(emotional)
How could I have been so spiteful to her? Why was I so mean? (choking up)
I swear….I was so mean to that poor woman.
JAY
It’s all right, Sabrina. (very gently) It’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up.
SABRINA
(angry at herself, fighting back tears)
No, it’s not okay. It’s not. (frustrated) I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why I
have to be so goddamned assertive….so critical of everybody. There’s no excuse for it.
My God, I was so mean to that poor woman. (begins sobbing) And now look at her.
JAY
(consoles her, very gently)
First of all, Sabrina, you weren’t mean, okay? You were just being honest with her.
(softly) I could tell that, deep-down, Heather respected you. She did. So stop saying you
were mean to her, because you weren’t. You were just being….
RICHARD
(cuts him off)
That’s not true. She was mean to her. (to SABRINA, bluntly) You were as mean as a
snake to that woman.
(SABRINA begins sobbing)
JAY
(annoyed)
Hey, bro….cut her some slack, okay? Can’t you see she’s hurtin’?
(a long pause, as RICHARD stares down at the body)
RICHARD
(speaks carefully)
I admit….I didn’t share Heather’s (searches for the word)….world view. I didn’t agree
with her theories. (pause) In fact, I thought most of them were bat-shit crazy.
(pauses, gently)
But I liked her. I did. (solemnly) I liked her a lot.
(considers it, can’t help but smile with genuine affection)
She was the only one of us who believed in God.
FLETCHER
(pipes up)
You’re forgetting me. I believe in God.
RICHARD
(unkindly)
Yeah, but you weren’t one of us, were you? (flatly) You came later.
(pause)
(FLETCHER kneels on one knee, places his fist to his forehead)
MURRAY
(approaches him, stares down at him, annoyed)
What are you doing?
FLETCHER
I’m praying for her.
MURRAY
(rudely)
You’re not praying. You’re Tebowing.
FLETCHER
(continues praying)
Leave me alone, please. (quietly) I’m praying.
JAY
(sums her up, smiles with affection at the memory)
Heather believed in God and astrology and vegetarianism and physical fitness and
reincarnation. The whole ball of wax. And yet she shows up here because she wants to
know the meaning of life. (choking up) There’s something very….innocent about that.
FLETCHER
(rises, looks at his watch)
Speaking of which, the presentation is going to start in a five minutes.
MURRAY
(dismissively)
Don’t be silly. There’s not going to be any presentation. After the police question us,
they’re going to rope off and quarantine this whole area.
JAY
(considers it)
He’s right. It’s a crime scene now. They’ll be putting up that yellow tape.
SABRINA
Yellow tape. (softly) Just like in the movies.
(long pause)
RICHARD
(suddenly very emotional and frustrated, kicks the chair over)
Goddamnit! Are you kidding me??! I mean….a complete stranger?!? A man she never
saw before in her life??? And he just walks up and stabs her to death for no reason??!
SABRINA
(agitated)
And where are the police?! (to JAY) Why aren’t they here yet?
JAY
I have no idea. (to MURRAY) Why aren’t the police here yet?
MURRAY
Relax. (checks his watch) They’ll be here.
FLETCHER
(places the chair upright, looks around furtively)
And we better stay alert. That guy could still be around.
(pause)
SABRINA
(somberly)
I hope we all realize he could’ve killed any one of us just as easily as Heather.
JAY
(hesitates)
She’s right. We were very lucky.
SABRINA
(pauses, speaks accusingly)
He was staring right at you, Richard.
RICHARD
(grimly)
I know he was.
SABRINA
(with malice)
I mean it. He was looking directly at you. He had his eye on you the whole time.
RICHARD
(frustrated)
What do you want me to say, Sabrina? That he should’ve killed me instead of Heather??
That I’m the one who should be dead?
JAY
That’s not what she’s saying, bro.
RICHARD
(upset)
Well, it sure as hell sounds like it.
SABRINA
That’s not what I meant. I wasn’t saying that. (shame-faced) I apologize. I’m sorry.
(SHE begins sobbing again. JAY hugs her)
JAY
(defending her)
She’s just trying to make sense of what happened. Trying to understand how someone
who probably never hurt anyone or anything in her whole life, could be murdered like
this.
(pause)
RICHARD
(with affection)
She tried to help me find a woman. Did you hear her try to help me? (smiles) She gave
me advice on how to find a wife because she knew I was lonely and wanted to get
married. (choked up) She didn’t have to do that, but she did.
(a sorrowful pause)
JAY
(disgusted)
Did anybody read about that Nazi war criminal—the guy who killed all those Jews in
Poland? Siegfried or Gustav….or whatever the hell his name was. He lived to be 93!
Can you believe it? 93 years old! (disgusted) That kraut bastard died in his own
bed….flat on his back….a smile on his face….holding his pecker.
(frustrated)
How can you justify something like that? How can you justify someone like Heather
being killed for no reason, and that Nazi guy never having to answer for his crimes?
MURRAY
You can’t . You can’t justify it and you can’t reconcile it. All you can do is roll with it.
(solemnly) Roll with it….file it away….and try not to lose hope. (pause) End of story.
(pause)
RICHARD
(philosophically)
It’s all a mystery. And I mean everything. Life . . . Death . . .Existence . . . Outer space.
All of it. (pause) The whole bloody arrangement is one outlandish, fucking mystery,
and anybody who says otherwise is either a liar or a fool.
JAY
(solemnly)
Amen, bro.
RICHARD
(looks around)
I don’t know why I even showed up for this stupid thing. (disgusted) What was I
thinking?
FLETCHER
(soothingly)
Spare yourself the anguish, friend. As unfortunate as this woman’s death was, it was all
part of God’s plan.
MURRAY
(exasperated)
Oh, please. Don’t make it worse.
FLETCHER
I’m not making it worse. I’m explaining it.
MURRAY
(flashing anger)
But you’re not explaining it. Suggesting that this was all part of some….grandiose,
cosmic masterplan only makes it worse.
FLETCHER
What I’m trying to say is that….
MURRAY
(cuts him off, angry and disgusted)
This woman was randomly and senselessly murdered—butchered by some….homeless
lunatic. But as tragic as her death was, it was not only irrational, it was ridiculous. It
was absurd. (frustrated) Can’t you see that?
(louder, points to her body)
Until a few minutes ago, this young woman was alive and animated….full of hopes and
dreams, looking forward to getting married. (pause) Now she’s dead. She’s gone. And
there’s no satisfactory way to explain it. Do you understand? (louder) Her death was
totally meaningless! And for you to stand there all high and mighty, pretending you can
logically explain it, is an insult to her, and an insult to us.
FLETCHER
(quick to answer, angrily)
First of all, it’s not an insult—not to her, and not to anyone else. And second of all, my
explanation was not intended to be logical, because I don’t give a hoot about that
intellectual parlor trick you and your cronies refer to as logic. (energized) But I did
explain her death. I did. I explained her death very clearly. (angry) Of course, you
rejected my explanation because you’re an atheist, and you have no Faith.
(points to the body, speaks with utter conviction)
This woman is dead….and that’s a tragedy. It truly is. But tragedy or not, let’s be clear
about why she died. This woman is dead is because God wanted her dead. As to God’s
reason for wanting her dead, well….I’m afraid we’re never going to know that.
RICHARD
(quietly)
You keep saying “this woman.” Her name was Heather.
FLETCHER
(continues his thought, to MURRAY)
Maybe she was a sinner. Did you ever think of that? Did it ever occur to you that her life
may have been so drenched in sin—her soul so rotten and putrid and full of maggots—
that God needed to remove her from the earth? (pleased with himself) But who are we to
say? Whatever the reason, we’re never going to know because our minds aren’t capable
of knowing. Can’t you understand that?
RICHARD
You’re saying Heather was a sinner? (more sad than angry) Why would you go and say
something like that?
FLETCHER
(defending himself)
I’m not saying she was or wasn’t. I’m only saying she could be. Our minds are not….
RICHARD
(cuts him off, agitated)
And what if she was a sinner? What’s that even mean? That she went to Hell? (angrily)
Is that what you’re saying….that Heather died and went to Hell?
FLETCHER
(calmly, reassuringly)
I’m not saying that. I have no idea where Heather’s soul now resides. All I know is that
her soul no longer resides in her body. Her soul is gone. (attempting humor) Elvis has
left the building. (points to her body) What we see lying there is an empty shell.
(turns to MURRAY)
This was all part of God’s plan, my friend. And the sooner you embrace God—the sooner
you allow God into your heart—the sooner your life will start making sense to you.
MURRAY
(pauses, regards him with utter contempt, speaks carefully)
Nothing personal, Fletch, but you know what you can do with this sanctimonious
horseshit you’ve been preaching? (pointedly) You can put it in the same place as that
birthday card….(glares at him) and I don’t mean on the fridge.
FLETCHER
And you know what you can do, Murray? You can….
JAY
(cuts him off, annoyed at the bickering)
Hey, people….knock it off. (bluntly) We have a dead person here. A person we liked.
(choked up) For chrissakes, show a little respect.
RICHARD
(looks around, frustrated)
And where are the cops? Why aren’t they here?
SABRINA
(to MURRAY, angrily)
Did you really call them?! You said you did, but did you?! (accusingly) Because if you
did, then where the hell are they?!
MURRAY
(snaps at her)
Shut up, lady! Just shut up! (quieter, intensely) I called them.
JAY
Hey, buddy, don’t be telling people to shut up! (approaches him aggressively) You need
to apologize to her. (pause) Did you hear me? You need to apologize!
(MURRAY simply walks away, no fight left in him, no rancor, no energy)
The Final Tableau:
MURRAY stands off to the side, alone, depressed.
JAY and SABRINA huddle together, quietly talking (inaudibly).
FLETCHER kneels down once again, lost in prayer.
RICHARD fidgets, looks around nervously, checks his watch, etc.
HEATHER suddenly sits bolt upright, alert, which cues the music (Steiner)
SHE quickly rises to her feet, doesn’t see the other people, and THEY don’t see HER.
Acknowledging the rousing music, SHE begins marching exuberantly in place, knees
high, arms pumping, appears very happy.
SHE proceeds to march vigorously and exuberantly off stage. Before leaving, SHE
notices the chair, snatches it up, and EXITS with it.
(the entire resurrection sequence—from HEATHER suddenly sitting up to her EXIT—
takes only about 15 seconds)
BLACKOUT