Dealing with Conflict and Disagreement
Rebecca Mason, RN, MSN, CS, CEAP
Have you ever found yourself avoiding dealing with conflict? Have you tried to talk
with someone about a disagreement only to find yourself not really dealing with the
main issue or, worse, becoming angry and attacking?
If so, you are not alone. Many of us struggle to deal with conflict and often feel we don’t do a
very good job.
The book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High” offers tools to
handle life’s most difficult and important conversations. Some of the key points from this
book can help you begin to deal with disagreements more effectively.
Focus in on What You Want
Not speaking up and allowing negative feelings to build up
is a set up for a heated conversation. A common reaction
is to want to “win” or even seek revenge. We might want to
“make others understand” or “give them a piece of my
mind”. When we speak from this frame of mind, others get
defensive. An alternative is to think first about what you really want for yourself, for
others and also for the relationship. Don’t focus on what happened, but on what you
want to see change. Have a goal for the conversation.
Examine Your Perceptions
Lack of respect for the other person is the main reason conversations end badly. It is
easy to jump to unflattering conclusions or judge others by assuming people do what
they do because of personality (“He is a jerk” or “They just like to be mean”). Ask
yourself, “Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do what they are
doing”? Do you assume, when your restaurant order is wrong, that the waitress is lax or
do we see her as overworked and harried?
Make it Safe
Before beginning, create a safe atmosphere; make sure the other person knows you
respect them and care about their issues. Explain that solving the problem will improve
things for both of you. “I wanted to talk about our communication because I know you
and I both want to give the best service we can to our customers.”
Facts Not Feelings
When you do begin to address the issue, eliminate all harsh, disapproving or
inflammatory language. Use factual and objective statements. Remember your tone of
voice and body language communicate far more than your words do.
Share Concerns Tentatively
Until we have heard from the other person, we really
don’t know the full story; we just know our conclusions.
You want a dialogue with the other person to clarify the
situation. Share concerns as opinion, not fact or
accusation; say, “I’m beginning to wonder…” instead of
“it is clear to me that…”
Explore the Other Position
Ask the other person to share concerns they have.
Make it clear you want to hear from them even if they
disagree. Listen carefully and ask questions to make
sure you understand. Pay attention to your own emotions. If you find yourself getting
quiet or angry, remember your goal for the conversation. Ask yourself again what you
really want.
Patterson, K. et. al. “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High”
(New York: McGraw Hill, 2002).
If you need help with this or other personal issues, please
contact the FEAP at (434) 243-2643 or visit our website at
www.uvafeap.com.