"THE BLOB OF OOZE"
I will never forget the night it happened. It was a quiet night, and I was relaxing upstairs with
a willing FARMERS BLONDE, a good book (“The Joy of Sex”) and my faithful FIRE
BELLIED TOAD, BROCK BITTER. Suddenly there was a loud bang. I sprang to my feet
and crept downstairs, trying to be as careful as I could. Nothing looked out of the ordinary.
Suddenly I heard the bang again, but this time it was much louder, reminding me of when
TOM BROWN was subjected to the RECTOR’S LIGHT RELIEF (not a pleasant sight,
but enough of that), and I knew it was coming from the cellar. Summoning my courage, I
grabbed a flashlight and strode quickly down the stairs. I might have met my end right there,
if not for BROCK BITTER, who let out a loud "croak!" as he swallowed yet another
MAY-FLY. Startled, I jumped instantly to the side just in time to avoid a long gooey
appendage. I turned my flashlight on the intruder and gasped in horror. Lurking there in my
cellar, bathed in the reeky glow of my light, was a huge, quivering, shapeless blob of ooze!
The hideous thing was as green as a GOLDEN DELICIOUS and as big as a FORBURY
LION.
"WTF!" I cried.
I fled promptly upstairs, but the thing chased me with lightning speed. I was trapped, and
knew I had to fight if I wanted to survive. First I tried to chop it with a sharp knife from the
kitchen, then I shot it with my my old dad’s shot gun that hangs over the fireplace, and which
he had once used to shoot a GRIFFIN. In desperation, I even tried throwing a pint of
RAVEN ALE quickly followed by a half of ODYSSEY on it, but all to no avail. It just kept
coming. I thought I was dead for sure, when suddenly a strange figure crashed through my
window and leapt between us! He was short and stenchy, with fierce yucky eyes and
dropping shoulders. He was dressed entirely in black, except for his COBBLE STONE
coloured boxers!. Yes, it was Ross!
"WTF!" I cried, as an ANGRY OX quickly followed and stunned the ooze creature with a
powerful kick.
Without pause we scooped the thing into a bin bag and shot it with a GREEN BULLET.
(“Ouch”, I hear you say!)
"How did the ANGRY OX know to do that?!" I gasped to Ross, trying to catch my breath.
"Their only weakness is their GINGER TOSSERs," he replied. "One good kick and the
things are helpless."
"But how do you find their GINGER TOSSERs?" I asked, staring at the shapeless mass.
"That is easy," said Ross. "It is right next to their HOPBACK." He continued, “I have been
hunting the ooze creatures all my life ever since I first came across them in QUOYLOO,
ORKNEY. Join me and the STRAWDOGS army in our quest and to make the world safe
from stinking evil!"
Now that I knew the truth, how could I say no? I joined the STRAWDOGS army that night
and my life has never been the same. I learned how to spot their GINGER TOSSERS in less
than 13 seconds, and together we have defeated over 2,032 of the ooze creatures. I even got
my own COBBLE STONE boxers!.
*** THE END **