King
10.1177/0887403404263625
/ GRIEVING PATTERNS
CRIMINAL JUSTICE POLICY REVIEW / June 2004
It Hurts So Bad: Comparing Grieving
Patterns of the Families of Murder
Victims With Those of Families
of Death Row Inmates
Kate King
Murray State University
This research examines the experiences, attitudes, feelings, and coping mechanisms
of 17 families of murder victims and compares them with Smykla’s findings based on
interviews of families of death row inmates. Themes emerging from this research
include emotional and health issues, social problems, changes in attitudes about personal safety, and distorted grieving patterns. Denial, anger, confusion, and feelings of
powerlessness are common to both groups. Both families of murder victims and families of death row inmates indicated similar complaints about their treatment by criminal justice personnel. These include apparent lack of compassion, incomplete information, unanswered phone calls, dissembling or untruthful replies to questions,
ignorance about normal grief reactions, and lack of accessibility. Training should be
provided to police officers and others who must interact with families of murder victims and families of the condemned so that their suffering is not increased.
Keywords:
grief; murder victim; family; death row
Although capital punishment has long been a topic of scholarly research
and popular debate, an examination of the literature on this topic reveals
that the human impact of the death penalty has received little attention.
Smykla (1987) offered several compelling reasons for examining the collateral costs of the death penalty. He reminded us that crime control strategies
carry personal consequences for all parties involved in the process. One
aspect of the human impact of capital punishment is the effect of the murder
and the subsequent trial and appeals process on both sides; that is, on the
family of the murder victim and the family of the condemned inmate. This
article examines the experiences, attitudes, feelings, and coping mechCriminal Justice Policy Review, Volume 15, Number 2, June 2004 193-211
DOI: 10.1177/0887403404263625
© 2004 Sage Publications
193
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
194
CRIMINAL JUSTICE POLICY REVIEW / June 2004
anisms of 17 families of murder victims and compares and contrasts them
with Smykla’s findings based on interviews of families of death row
inmates. Policy implications are discussed.
LITERATURE REVIEW
Experiences of Murder Victims’ Families
Kubler-Ross (1969) defined the normal grieving process, noting that
there are five stages a bereaved person must go through. Each stage helps
the bereaved to maintain a form of normalcy after the loss of a loved one.
These stages include shock and denial, anger, the bargaining stage, depression, and acceptance. Kubler-Ross warned, “Acceptance should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost void of feelings. It is as if the pain has
gone and the struggle is over” (p. 113).
Grieving the loss of a loved one is a universal process; however, when a
family member receives the news that a loved one has been murdered, reactions are more severe, exaggerated, and complicated. The mourner’s capacity to use adaptive coping mechanisms is overwhelmed. Doka (1996)
pointed out that the “normal anger associated with grief is compounded by
the rage and desire to destroy the murderer of the loved one” (p. 53). Murder
is a violation of everything one believes to be right, honest, fair, or expected
in life. Victims’ families search to understand the acts committed against
their loved one, and when they cannot, they feel powerless, frustrated, and
hopeless. Family members of homicide victims report an initial phase of
mental and physical shock. They are wracked by turmoil, then numbness.
They become preoccupied with the horror of the suffering of the victim,
needing to know the details of the death (Sprang, McNeil, & Wright, 1989).
They become restless, are plagued by insomnia, and have trouble concentrating. They fear for their own lives or the lives of other family members
and have flashbacks to the moment they received the death notification.
Some consider suicide. Many are angry with the victim for dying, which
produces extreme feelings of guilt (Homicide Survivors Info, 2000). The
survivors’ self-confidence and sense of control over their world is severely
compromised. They lose their ability to trust, and many lose their religious
faith (Sprang & McNeil, 1995).
For the loved one of a homicide victim, the emotions associated with
blame can surface almost immediately after the death. Family members
may blame themselves as well as the perpetrator. This blame is an attempt to
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
King / GRIEVING PATTERNS
195
make sense of the tragedy and to regain a sense of control over one’s life
(Doka, 1996).
Magee (1983) reported that murder victims’families are often ostracized
from society. They suffer from marital problems, isolation, feelings of guilt,
and a sense of injustice. They feel freakish and abnormal, and they suffer
from debilitating rage and bitterness. Holidays, birthdays, and other
formerly happy events become painful and often lead to severe depression
in survivors. The emotional and psychological stress suffered by relatives
of murder victims resembles that of rape victims, combat veterans, and
prisoners who have been tortured. Frequently, survivors suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder, with recurring nightmares, flashbacks, feelings of
alienation, hypervigilance, and an exaggerated startle response (Schlosser,
1997).
The death of a loved one places unwanted and untimely demands on the
survivors. For example, they must identify the victim’s body, claim personal possessions, make funeral arrangements, and pay medical bills or
ambulance costs. They are burdened with notifying other family members
and friends, and dealing with the media. Many survivors of homicide suffer
stress-related illnesses or require extensive professional counseling to cope
with their loss. Some families, despite financial hardship, hire private investigators because they feel the police are not doing enough to find the killer
of their loved one (Parents of Murdered Children, 2000).
Lord (1987) discussed the additional grief of victims’ families in cases
where the murderer is never found. The need for justice is thwarted, complicating the grieving process of the bereaved. Feelings of helplessness and
hopelessness are intensified. It is difficult to focus anger when no one is
clearly responsible. Anger may be directed at law enforcement agencies for
their inability to find the killer. When a suspect has been apprehended, the
lengthy trial process also delays the natural process of grieving. Families of
victims often feel that the murderer has more rights than they and are frustrated at being kept outside the courtroom during the trial. Many families of
victims are angry at the lack of notification regarding continuances and
postponements. They feel again victimized when plea bargains are reached
without their knowledge (Parents of Murdered Children, 2000). Survivors
often believe their pain will be eased when a just punishment is imposed and
are shocked when they feel no different. They often realize for the first time
that no amount of punishment can relieve their sorrow or bring the victim
back to life (Schlosser, 1997). Even after a sentence is imposed, the appeals
and parole processes keep many family members from attaining closure.
Walter Scott, who lost a son to murder in 1972, claimed that each parole
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
196
CRIMINAL JUSTICE POLICY REVIEW / June 2004
hearing is “like a knife in the heart . . . there’s no peace of mind. It never
ends” (MurderVictims.com, 2000).
In some homicide cases, victims are stigmatized. This stigmatization of
the victim may lead to avoidance and isolation of covictims by their families
and friends just at the time they most need support (Fowlkes, 1990; Ressler,
Burgess, & Douglas, 1988; Spungen, 1998). Even if the victim is not stigmatized, people’s comments and reactions to the murder can traumatize
survivors. Statements such as “It was God’s will,” or “He’s better off in
Heaven” often alienate survivors and are difficult to bear. Neighbors and
friends sometimes urge survivors to put it in the past, or get on with their
lives (Homicide Survivors Info, 2000). Many individuals feel uncomfortable in the presence of homicide survivors, and relationships often falter. In
our society, people feel threatened by the sense of vulnerability imposed by
crime and may go to great lengths to distance themselves from those who
are “tainted” by murder (Sprang & McNeil, 1995). Schlosser (1997) told
about the sister of a murder victim, who, several months after the murder,
was asked by a coworker “Aren’t you over that yet?”
The death of a loved one changes the family structure. Survivors must
take on the roles and duties of the murder victim. Children are often called
on to grow up quickly. Children may resent the living parent idealizing the
murder victim, or they may blame the victim for abandoning them. If the
child witnessed the homicide, he or she may be compelled to testify at trial.
The child is likely to show symptoms of psychic trauma and post-traumatic
stress disorder. The horror of witnessing a murder combined with the need
to relive the experience in court can haunt the child for years after the event
(Pynoos & Eth, 1984). Often, the child witness feels extraordinarily guilty
about surviving. In addition, the child may fear that the killer will come
back for him or her (Homicide Survivors Info, 2000). In the case where one
parent kills the other, surviving children often feel revulsion, betrayal, and
anger mixed with confusion and grief over losing both parents. These children may feel forced to choose between one parent and the other or may find
themselves at the center of custody battles between opposing sets of grandparents. Some children may find themselves in foster care or given up for
adoption. These stressors can be utterly debilitating (Homicide Survivors
Info, 2000).
Frequently, siblings of a murder victim suffer from the loss of functional
parents as well as the loss of a brother or sister. When parents cannot find the
emotional reserves to care for their surviving children, siblings often feel
devalued, unworthy of living, and discouraged (Homicide Survivors Info,
2000). Siblings experience extreme loneliness and often feel that no one can
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
King / GRIEVING PATTERNS
197
understand what they are going through. They may internalize their grief in
an effort to protect their parents who are suffering. Their feelings alternate
between anger, grief, guilt, and abandonment. They may lash out inappropriately, turn to alcohol or drugs, or feel guilty because they are still alive.
Many siblings become extremely depressed and cannot get out of bed. They
often fear seeing other people and lose their feelings of safety in the world
(Parents of Murdered Children, 2000).
Experiences of the Families of Condemned Inmates
Families of inmates have been referred to as the hidden victims of crime
(Carlson & Cervera, 1992). Costanzo (1997) noted that “the shame and
stigma of being related to someone on death row is painfully felt by the families of the condemned” (p. 147). Family members of convicted killers are
often treated as if they had somehow been involved in the killing and are
tainted by their relationship to the condemned. They are labeled guilty by
association and blamed for the mistakes their loved one has made
(Centerforce, 1990). Family members of a death-row inmate experience an
excruciating mix of emotions:
They feel angry that so many people want to see their loved one killed and
they become acutely sensitive to how others view the impending execution;
they swing between hope and despair as the appeals process progresses; they
engage in self-recrimination about what they might have done to prevent the
murder, they may be haunted by obsessive thoughts about the murder and the
execution to come; they grieve in anticipation of the execution; they worry
about the enduring impact the eventual execution will have on them and other
family members, especially children. (Costanzo, 1997, p. 119)
Carlson and Cervera (1992) noted that wives of inmates become an invisible minority with many unmet needs resulting from their husbands’ incarceration. They feel angry, hurt, abandoned, betrayed, and fearful of having
to raise a family alone (Howard, 1994). Many wives face social isolation,
health problems, and debilitating stress. Depression is common, sometimes
leading to thoughts of suicide (Smykla, 1987). Spouses of offenders often
suffer economic burdens. They must handle car repairs, pay all the bills, and
explain the situation to their children (Dallao, 1997). Often they must move
into less expensive housing or take on a second (or third) job to make ends
meet. Some wives face strong disapproval from their parents when they
refuse to divorce the accused and thus suffer from the loss of that support
system. Others file for divorce, trying to move on.
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
198
CRIMINAL JUSTICE POLICY REVIEW / June 2004
Parents of death row inmates, similar to spouses, suffer feelings of isolation, embarrassment, frustration, and hopelessness. Lewis (1995), mother
of a death row inmate, wrote that her dreams have been shattered, all hope
stripped away. She reflected on the pain and sadness that accompany holidays and her struggle just to get through each day. She believes that people
think she must have been a terrible mother. Fathers and mothers of death
row inmates describe waking up each morning with a stomachache or headache, and suffering debilitating anxiety attacks (Dallao, 1997; Smykla,
1987). Dallao (1997) related how the mother of an inmate felt that she, too,
had gone to prison when her son was sentenced:
The instrument of her confinement was not made of concrete and steel.
Instead, it was an edifice she and society had fashioned out of stereotypes,
judgments, and guilt, and the punishment and mental anguish inflicted
proved as real as an 80 square foot cell without windows. (p. 97)
Parents of inmates often worry about the treatment their child is receiving in
prison. They may hear horror stories about inhumane conditions, brutality,
or the lack of proper medical care. Feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness can be overwhelming.
Parents of death row inmates often find themselves dealing with problems on the job. Coworkers may feel uncomfortable working with them and
distance themselves, adding to the grief and embarrassment these parents
feel. Whispers and nods take on enormous significance in the minds of the
parents. Self-employed parents of death row inmates can find themselves
stigmatized and losing business.
Siblings of death row inmates also report feelings of guilt, prolonged
grief, physical and mental distress, helplessness, hopelessness, frustration,
excessive alcohol consumption, exhaustion, and stigma (Smykla, 1987).
The sister of a death row inmate wrote about her friends’ reactions: “They
don’t know what to say to me, so no one says anything. They won’t even
mention my brother’s name and when I bring him up the subject is changed
quickly” (SupportGroup.com, 2000).
Children of inmates are at a higher risk of behavior problems and delinquency (Family and Corrections Network Report, 1994). The emotional
development of impressionable youngsters can be altered and upset for
years by the incarceration of a parent (Dallao, 1997). Many worry about the
treatment their parent receives in jail or prison. They may blame themselves
or the parent who remains with them for the murder. They may mourn the
loss of an opportunity to develop a close relationship if their prior relationship
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
King / GRIEVING PATTERNS
199
was disconnected (Dallao, 1997). They often become reclusive and suffer
feelings of shame, embarrassment, anger, and confusion. Many turn to alcohol or drug abuse to numb their pain. Children may also feel guilty because
they are fearful of visiting the confined parent in prison. Prison visits are
humiliating and traumatizing for many children who have never been
searched, regarded with suspicion, or put through a metal detector before
their visits to prison (Howard, 1994).
The trial process is painful for the family of the accused, just as it is for
the family of the victim. In the courtroom, they must listen to graphic testimony about the crime, view photographs of the crime scene, and sometimes
endure the hostility of the victim’s family. Many relatives of the accused are
unfamiliar with the court process and find this time especially confusing
and painful. During the trial, the community may shun family members of
the defendant, treating them as pariahs. Dicks (1991) wrote of her experience as the mother of a defendant in a capital trial. Her pleas for her son
enraged the community who had “found him guilty before he even came to
trial” (Dicks, 1991, p. 31). Many families cannot face the additional pain
and withdraw emotionally. The risk of rejection and ridicule outweighs
their need to share their pain and sorrow. Some families move away to
escape the humiliation and poor treatment they receive in the community
(Carlson & Cervera, 1992).
Family members of condemned inmates are typically poor, and capital
trials are extremely expensive. For many families, trial expenses rapidly
exhaust any resources they might have accumulated (Smykla, 1987). Wives
are forced to enter the workforce during a time of extreme emotional turmoil, sometimes with few marketable skills. Often, families of death row
inmates are forced to seek assistance from welfare (Howard, 1994). Economic stressors can lead to rapid demoralization. Radelet, Vandiver, and
Bernardo (1983) pointed out that many families have a limited capacity to
deal with problems associated with maintaining supportive relationships
with inmates in prison.
Because they are stigmatized, family members of inmates are denied
“normal social outlets for grieving the loss of the loved one” (Hostetter &
Jinnah, 1993, p. 4). When the grief process is prolonged or delayed, individuals suffer from abnormal and distorted grief (Lindemann, 1944). This prolonged grief reaction encompasses three major features: self-accusation,
social isolation, and feelings of powerlessness. Family members often share
the guilt of their loved one or take on all of the guilt for the murder, leaving
the inmate blameless. They berate themselves for working so much, leaving
the children alone, or not paying enough attention. Many family members
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
200
CRIMINAL JUSTICE POLICY REVIEW / June 2004
feel powerless to do anything about the death sentence or death row conditions, and may feel as if no one cares. They cope by drinking too much,
working compulsively or moving to a new community. They may suffer
from medical ailments including weight gain or loss, skin rashes, and
headaches (Smykla, 1987).
DATA AND METHODS
The current study examines the experiences, attitudes, feelings, and coping mechanisms of 17 families of murder victims and compares them with
Smykla’s findings based on interviews with families of death row inmates.
It is qualitative in nature. The purpose of qualitative research is to describe
and develop a special kind of understanding about particular events, attitudes, and behaviors. Qualitative research is descriptive in words rather
than in numbers (Locke, Spirduso, & Silverman, 1987). Following
Smykla’s (1987) lead, a trend study was conducted. Trend studies assume
that “earlier behavior of the older subjects in the study is adequately represented by the behavior of the younger subjects in the study, thereby allowing inferences of changes from the differences that existed at one point in
time” (Smykla, 1987, p. 338).
Seventeen families of murder victims living in a northwestern and midwestern state were interviewed in their homes. Interviews were unstructured and free flowing. These interviews were tape-recorded and transcribed for analysis. Within the group of 33 respondents were mothers,
fathers, brothers, sisters, nieces, husbands, wives, daughters, and grandmothers of murder victims. The murders had occurred between 1 and 5
years before the interviews. Themes emerged as the family members discussed their experiences and feelings since the murders of their loved ones.
DISCUSSION
The various themes that emerged from the interviews can be placed in the
following categories: emotional impact, health issues, social changes,
effects at work or on daily schedules, changes in attitudes about safety, and
experiences with the criminal justice system. Grieving patterns emerged
that included prolonged suffering and distorted grief reactions. These reactions are similar to those described by Smykla (1987) in his study of 40 family members of death row inmates.
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
King / GRIEVING PATTERNS
201
Prolonged Grief Reactions
Typically, according to Kubler-Ross (1969), grief reactions fade with
time as the individual passes through the various stages mentioned above.
This appears not to occur with family members of homicide victims.
Whether the murder of their loved ones had occurred 1 year or 5 years
before the interviews, family members exhibited intense, powerful grief
that they claimed had not been reduced over time. “We just get better at hiding it” said one mother after 4 years. Many blamed the “apparently endless”
criminal process. Some believed that when the appeals were finally over,
they would be able to begin the healing process. Others (at 1 year, 3 years,
and 4 years) stated that they would never get over the murder of their loved
ones. A sister (at 2 years) stated that “every time that lawyer calls about the
appeal, it’s like my brother is being murdered again. The pain just floods
back in.”
As in Smykla’s study, the prolonged grieving could be seen in three features shared by virtually all of the people interviewed in this research: selfaccusation, social isolation, and powerlessness. Although it may seem more
likely that family members of convicted murderers might feel guilty about
things they had or had not done, in fact, those close to the murder victims
also blamed themselves for what had happened. One mother (at 1 year)
stated “I should have called her that night. I had a bad feeling and I didn’t
call. I should have gone over there. Maybe I could have changed things with
my presence.” A father (after nearly 3 years) claimed that he should have
“taken that bastard out the first time I met him. I knew he was bad news.”
Another mother (at 5 years) blamed herself for working too much and
not being there for her daughter: “If I had spent more time with her, she
wouldn’t have turned to drugs and gotten involved with those awful people.” An older brother (after 1 year, 6 months) cried “I should have protected
my baby sister! What kind of man am I?” And the mother of a small child
who was beaten to death by his stepfather blames herself (after 2 years) for
leaving them together “to earn money so we could buy a house. I didn’t have
to work but I was impatient to move up in the world.”
Family members of murder victims revealed their feelings of isolation
and helplessness. Many now feel that the world is an uncaring, hostile, and
dangerous place. They fear that others blame them or the victim for the murder. They sense changes in the behavior of other family members or friends.
They notice changes in relationships with coworkers. One father had
changed jobs five times since the murder 3 years prior because he felt like
people were talking about him and either blaming him for not protecting his
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
202
CRIMINAL JUSTICE POLICY REVIEW / June 2004
daughter or pitying him. “I just couldn’t stand it when they looked at me like
I was something other than normal. I’d leave and never come back.”
One mother (after 1 year) had considered suicide and confessed she was
“taking too many pain pills so I don’t have to feel anything.” A grandmother
(at 2 years, 8 months) stated that her friends had stopped coming around and
that she had quit going to church.
They don’t understand what I’m going through. He was my first grandbaby
and he was shot in the head. How can anybody understand that? Besides, how
could a merciful God let something like this happen to a good boy? The first
few times I went to church I just wanted to scream at the congregation. I
wanted to tell them they’re all living in a fantasy world. The world is not
good, it’s evil and nobody’s safe.
A sister summed it up after 4 years and 4 months:
Nobody who hasn’t gone through this hell on earth can understand what
we’re going through. At first, people called and came by. They were real nice.
Then it seemed like they were in a hurry for us to get over it. They wouldn’t
mention his name. It was like a horse sitting in the living room, but nobody
would mention it. After a while, people just quit coming over and we quit
going out.
Smykla found that families of death row inmates feel powerless over
their situation. This research also revealed feelings of powerlessness in the
families of murder victims. They feel powerless to change the course of
their lives, they feel powerless to control their feelings, and they feel forgotten and ignored by the criminal justice system. “Nobody even called me
when that SOB was arraigned” claimed a brother after 1 year: “I never even
knew the process had been set in motion. This monster killed my brother
and I don’t get so much as a phone call?”
A father claimed (after 3 years and 2 months) that he was working two
jobs because it kept him busy.
I don’t have time to think about all the things I can’t control. My wife and I
split up after the murder. We just couldn’t look at each other. I’ve always felt
that as a man I could handle anything. Boy was I wrong. I can’t handle anything. The only thing I have any power over is how many hours I work.
A mother complained about the insensitivity of police when she had to identify her son’s body. “They didn’t warn me about it. They just let me walk in
like it was something normal, something that happens every day. I threw up
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
King / GRIEVING PATTERNS
203
and they were trying not to laugh.” In the interview when she described this
event, although nearly 5 years had passed, it was clear that her grief was profound. After she made the above statement, she began to cry and rock on the
couch.
Another mother (after 2 years, 4 months) feels powerless to do anything
about the court’s sentence.
She shot him six times in the back and all she got was 15 years. How can I live
with that? I went in at sentencing and bled all over the floor. I told that judge
how this murder had destroyed my family, how it had destroyed my life. She
got 15 years. What’s wrong with this justice system?
Distorted Grief Reactions
Smykla (1987) found distorted grieving patterns in his participants.
Some exhibited failure to express feelings of grief, instead becoming overly
active and adventurous. Others reported the acquisition of medical illnesses, alterations in social relationships, conduct that resembles schizophrenia, self-harming behavior, and depression.
One family, after suffering the loss of a child 19 months earlier, packed
up and moved to New Zealand. The interview took place as they were frenetically packing boxes. “We’ve always wanted to travel and live other
places. We thought, why not now? No sense in waiting, is there? There’s a
big wide world out there to discover.” As the interview ended, the father
stated “Thanks for coming by. We enjoyed it.” Frankly, for this interviewer,
it was a surreal experience.
Many of the participants interviewed in the current research mentioned
medical problems that had begun after the murders. Similar to Smykla’s
participants, these ailments included weight loss or weight gain, skin
rashes, and headaches. In addition, several family members of murder victims suffered from persistent heartburn, irritable bowel syndrome, alcohol
and prescription drug abuse, and chronic fatigue. One mother had suffered a
heart attack 14 months after the murder of her son, which she believes was
caused by stress. “What else could it be? People in my family never have
heart attacks. We’re as strong as mules. It’s this whole never ending nightmare that caused it, I’m sure of that.”
Family members of death row inmates have something else in common
with family members of murder victims. Both groups feel discriminated
against and misunderstood. Negative reactions by friends and colleagues
cause them to become socially isolated. Smykla found that, in time, some
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
204
CRIMINAL JUSTICE POLICY REVIEW / June 2004
family members of death row inmates attempted to reestablish social connections but stated “No clear patterns of when and under what conditions
they reestablish their social relationships emerged” (p. 44). This research
revealed only one family that had begun to reach out after years of isolation,
of the 17 families interviewed; perhaps more examples will come from further research. Three years after the murder, one family moved from the state
where the murder was committed to a state 2,000 miles away. They have
since corresponded with me, sending glowing notes about their “fresh
start.”
Smykla pointed out that “in an attempt to hide their feelings, it is common for the relatives of persons on death row to make their movements
wooden and formal, stilted, robot-like, without the fine play of emotional
expression.” (p. 345). This same behavior was observed in the families of
murder victims as well. As one mother put it (after 4 years) “I can go
through my whole day and nobody knows I’m about to freak out. I just go
through the motions of living. If I ever allowed myself to let go, I’d start
screaming and never stop.” A father who lost his daughter to homicide 3
years earlier claimed that he “acts like a person who’s all there, but inside,
there is nobody.” Another mother actually used the word robot when
describing how she cares for her family since the murder of her daughter:
I’m just a robot these days. I have no feelings. I don’t care about anything
anymore. My body is still alive but that’s all. I just get by. I feel bad for my little ones, but I can’t seem to change things. That’s just how it is now. It’s been
4 years now. Everybody says I’ve changed. What do they expect?
Some family members engage in behavior detrimental to their own wellbeing after the murder of their loved one. One daughter began smoking marijuana shortly after her father was murdered, claiming it helped ease the
pain. Her grades had slipped, and she was in jeopardy of not passing her
junior year in high school. Her social life now revolves around getting and
smoking pot. “Who cares?” was all she could say. A brother had taken out a
second mortgage on his home 18 months after the murder of his sister to pay
for a private investigator. “The police have given up, but we’ll never stop
looking for the person who killed my sister. We’ll take out a third mortgage
if we have to.” A middle-class mother stopped working after her husband
left her, lost her house to foreclosure, and was living in subsidized housing
in a rough neighborhood with her three young children. “A few months after
the murder, my husband and I split up. We weren’t doing so good [sic]
before, but that really pushed us over the edge. Everybody keeps telling me
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
King / GRIEVING PATTERNS
205
to get a job and get my life back. What life?” She still feels this way after
nearly 5 years.
Many family members of death row inmates and murder victims suffer
from depression. Insomnia was frequently mentioned by those people interviewed in the current study. One mother (after 2 years) stated:
The doctor gave me Ambien, but it doesn’t help at all. He couldn’t believe it
when I told him I take one every night and still I’m awake. Maybe it’s because
I start to plot revenge fantasies. In my favorite one, I go a hillside overlooking
the prison and wait for him to come out on the yard. I have this long-range
rifle with a scope and when he comes out, Pop! Problem solved. Of course, I
know I could never do it, but it makes me feel better for a minute. Then the
depression comes back.
One father (after 16 months) admitted thoughts of suicide.
I’m a trucker, and I keep seeing places I could drive off a bridge or just cross
into the oncoming lanes of traffic. I never do it, but I think about it all the
time. I don’t think my wife could take one more loss, but it sure would be easier for me.
His daughter stated that after the loss of her brother, she felt guilty for still
being alive. She also claimed to be “depressed, because I can’t be my
brother and I can’t bring him back. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even exist
anymore. It makes me really mad at my parents, then I feel guilty for that. I
don’t think we’ll ever be OK.”
PARALLELS
It is clear that families of murder victims and families of death row
inmates share many experiences. Both sides suffer from the initial shock:
victims’ families are shocked and horrified by the murder itself, inmates’
families by the arrest of a loved one for a horrible crime. Each side tries to
come to grips with the new reality. Denial is a common coping mechanism
on both sides, followed by anger. Both groups feel stigmatized and powerless. Family members of murder victims are faced by new demands such as
funeral expenses, the possible loss of income, claiming the body, or going
through the possessions of the loved one. Family members of death row
inmates must also face the impending death of a loved one, claim the body,
and pay for funeral expenses. Both groups may feel isolated, as though no
one understands what they are going through. A lengthy trial and multiple
appeals delay the normal grieving process, prohibiting closure, and subjecting
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
206
CRIMINAL JUSTICE POLICY REVIEW / June 2004
both families to the retelling of traumatic events over and over. Both groups
report feeling neglected and abused by the criminal justice system. Family
structure changes, with added responsibilities shifting onto other members
of both families. Children on both sides are traumatized, filled with anger,
resentment, confusion, and feelings of abandonment.
Families of murder victims share similar physical and emotional problems with families of death row inmates: insomnia, headaches, stomachaches, weight gain or loss, alcohol or drug abuse, feelings of betrayal, rage,
withdrawal, and hopelessness. Holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries are
difficult for both groups as they struggle to get through them without their
loved ones. Both groups suffer from guilt over things they should or should
not have done.
DISSIMILARITIES
Although both families share many experiences, feelings, and problems,
there are some dissimilarities. Victims’ families see the death of their loved
ones as senseless, meaningless, and inexplicable. They agonize over the
“why” of the murder. Families of death row inmates understand the reasons
for the death sentence and execution, even though they may disagree with
the morality, fairness, or efficacy of the death penalty. It should be noted,
however, that this understanding is intellectual and does nothing to assuage
the hurt and grief these family members feel.
For family members of murder victims, these deaths were unexpected,
therefore presumably more shocking. Throughout the lengthy appeals process, the impending execution of a loved one is always present, creating a
long period of expectancy for the family members of death row inmates.
This period of expectancy is complicated, however, by the hope of a reversal
of the death sentence by the appeals courts. Because of this hope, often the
reality of the execution is not dealt with until it actually occurs. For families
who cling to that shred of hope, the final order of execution can still be
shocking and unexpected.
POLICY IMPLICATIONS
When a homicide occurs, family members of the victim typically hear
about it via police contact. This initial contact has the potential to severely
compound the obvious trauma the news of a murder brings. Education and
training for police officers regarding the suffering of the family should be
provided by police departments to their officers. Officers should be aware
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
King / GRIEVING PATTERNS
207
that every step of the process is unfamiliar and can be painful to the survivors. Major complaints from survivors about law enforcement personnel
include an apparent lack of compassion, incomplete information, questions
left unanswered, notification by telephone, unanswered phone calls, dissembling or untruthful replies to questions, ignorance about normal grief
reactions, and lack of accessibility.
Two national victims’ self-help groups, Parents of Murdered Children
(www.pomc.com) and the National Organization for Victim Assistance
(www.try-nova.org), offer several recommendations for police officers who
must notify a family member of a loved one’s murder:
Always notify in person and make sure two officers go along.
Be sure not to leave the family member alone after notification.
Prepare the family member by telling them you have terrible news.
Give the basic facts in clear, concise language. Do not use jargon.
Explain the processes of identifying the body, release of the body, and so on.
Bring grief resources, such as brochures, telephone numbers, hotlines, and so on.
Try to put yourself in the victim’s place and be sensitive to their loss.
Do not release information to the media before telling family members.
Tell the family members all information currently known.
Offer to provide transportation to identify the body.
Speak softly, be compassionate, and never judge the victim.
Let it be known that survivors can call with questions.
Before body identification, make sure it is cleaned up and prepare the survivors for what they will see.
• Put victims’ families in touch with a victim advocate immediately.
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
These simple steps can be incorporated into training programs for police
officers and will help prevent compounding the trauma of the family members. Schlesinger (2000) suggested letting the family members decide for
themselves whether they want to view the body. Unless it is legally
required, many family members would rather not see the remains of their
loved one in the morgue and should be allowed that option. Whatever their
choice, officers need to be aware of the pain these individuals suffer and
behave with sensitivity and compassion.
Police officers should also be made aware of the suffering that family
members of the accused experience. Their complaints about law enforcement are similar, most notably, lack of compassion, incomplete information, unanswered phone calls, and lack of accessibility. Many family members of death row inmates recall their insensitive treatment by law
enforcement, as though they too were somehow guilty of the murder,
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
208
CRIMINAL JUSTICE POLICY REVIEW / June 2004
simply by association with their loved one (Costanzo, 1997). Although it is
true that some people who commit murder were badly abused by their own
families, this is not true in all cases. Law enforcement personnel need to
remember these family members may be victims as well and treat them with
civility.
The type of services provided to families in crisis can make an enormous
difference in their subsequent and long-term psychological well-being.
These services include “nonjudgmental listening, provision of basic information, and referrals for other services.” Some groups, such as Murder Victims Families for Reconciliation (www.mvfr.org), urge us to recognize that
the families of the deceased and the families of the offender are victims and
provide the necessary services to both sides.
Obviously, this is an extremely controversial position, and persuasive
arguments can be made against it. One argument against providing helping
services to family members of death row inmates is the “slippery slope”
argument; that is, if we offer these services to families of condemned killers,
must we then offer services to the families of “lifers” or those serving 20
years, or 10 years? Where does it stop? Another argument simply states that
whatever suffering is experienced by the offenders’ families is the direct
result of the criminals’ acts and society bears no responsibility for that suffering. Another argument is based on scarce resources. This position claims
only the “most innocent” should receive helping services at state expense.
These are indeed difficult issues, and the extension of services to offenders’ families may seem radical, however to those who support this idea, it
symbolizes an effort to end the cycles of violence and retribution that
increasingly characterize American society.
CONCLUSION
Every victim is unique and every family member’s suffering is unique,
however there are aspects that are shared. It is clear that family members of
murder victims and family members of death row inmates have many similar experiences and characteristics. There is more research on the families
of murder victims than on the families of the condemned, however very little that compares these two groups directly. This trend study attempted to
compare Smykla’s findings on the grieving patterns of family members of
death row inmates with those of murder victims’ families. Similar to
Smykla (1987), this researcher found evidence of prolonged and distorted
grief, including self-accusation, social isolation, and feelings of powerlessness. Also similar to Smykla, these interviews revealed evidence of pro-
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
King / GRIEVING PATTERNS
209
found guilt, frustration, and prolonged suffering. However, although
Smykla hypothesized that the reactions he observed came only from the
threat of legal execution of a family member, I found similar symptoms and
reactions in the family members of murder victims. In fact, it appears that
these two groups have much more in common than previously recognized.
Perhaps these families are mirror images on either side of the homicide,
both being thrown into a situation of horror and helplessness. As Coleman
(1998), the Delaware State Abolition Coordinator for Amnesty International stated,
My feeling upon losing my daughter [to murder] was pain, and I have come to
learn over the last few years that pain is pain. The mother of a death row
inmate has as much right to feel pain as the mother of the victim, and I know
she feels as much pain as I do. (p. 3)
Dillon (1995), a Visitor Advocate with Jail Ministry in Syracuse, New
York, and daughter of a murdered police officer, stated,
The pain, sadness, and trauma experienced by family and friends when a
loved one is murdered is multiplied exponentially when a state-sponsored
execution is carried out as a sentence for murder. The executed person leaves
behind his or her loved ones, who must suffer the loss. I believe that no one,
including the family of the condemned should have to suffer such grief as that
suffered when a loved one is intentionally killed. (p. 2)
Perhaps the most important conclusion here is that pain is pain and people
experience it in similar ways, no matter which side of the homicide they find
themselves on.
Future research should focus on these similarities to increase our knowledge and possibly advance services to these groups. More interesting, some
families of murder victims are reaching out to families of death row inmates
and working together to help each other heal from their collective traumas.
Murder Victims’ Families for Reconciliation, based in Boston, is a group
composed of family members of murder victims and family members of
individuals executed for murder in the United States. The goals of this organization are to help families honor the memory of their loved ones and to
stop the cycle of violence. They believe that revenge should never be the
foundation for public policy.
Adding to the scientific body of knowledge is important in its own right,
but with a growing awareness of the shared features of the two groups,
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
210
CRIMINAL JUSTICE POLICY REVIEW / June 2004
perhaps the justice system and society can find some way to ameliorate their
suffering, or at least not add to it.
REFERENCES
Carlson, B. E., & Cervera, N. (1992). Inmates and their wives: Incarceration and family life.
Westport, CT: Greenwood.
Centerforce. (1990). 1990 annual report to the legislature. San Quentin, CA: Centerforce.
Coleman, A. (1998). Perspective. Canadian Coalition Against the Death Penalty. Retrieved
from www.ccadp.org
Costanzo, M. (1997). Just revenge: Costs and consequences of the death penalty. New York:
St. Martin’s.
Dallao, M. (1997, October). Coping with incarceration from the other side of the bars. Corrections Today, 96-98.
Dicks, S. (1991). Congregation of the condemned: Voices against the death penalty. Buffalo,
NY: Prometheus Books.
Dillon, K. (1995, Summer). Mercy, compassion, and forgiveness. Voice, 5, 1-2.
Doka, K. J. (Ed.). (1996). Living with grief after sudden loss. Washington, DC: Hospice
Foundation of America.
Family and Corrections Network Report. (1994). Families of offenders: A key to crime prevention. Palmyra, VA: Family and Corrections Network.
Fowlkes, M. R. (1990). The social regulation of grief. Sociological Forum, 5, 635-652.
Homicide Survivors Info. (2000). Retrieved March 30, 2003, from http://
www.geocities.com/heartland/plains/6857/survive.html
Hostetter, E., & Jinnah, D. (1993). Research summary: Families of adult prisoners. Prison
Fellowship Ministries. New York: Prison Fellowship Ministries.
Howard, J. R. (1994). Effects of incarceration on families of male inmates. Available at http://
members.aol.com/nuhearts/effects.htm
Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. New York: Macmillan.
Lewis, B. (1995, Summer). A son on death row. Voice, 5, 1-3.
Lindemann, E. (1944). Symptomatology and management of acute grief. American Journal
of Psychiatry, 101, 141-148.
Locke, L., Spirduso, W. W., & Silverman, S. J. (1987). Proposals that work. Newbury Park,
CA: Sage.
Lord, J. H. (1987). No time for goodbyes. Berkeley, CA: Pathfinder.
Magee, D. (1983). What murder leaves behind: The victim’s family. New York: Dodd, Mead.
MurderVictims.com. (2000). Retrieved April 1, 2003, from http://www.murdervictims.com
National Organization for Victim Assistance. Retrieved March 31, 2003, from www.try-nova.org
Parents of Murdered Children. (2000). Retrieved from http://222.pomc.com/conference.cfm
Pynoos, I. L. S., & Eth, S. (1984). The child as witness to homicide. Journal of Social Issues,
40(2), 87-108.
Radelet, M. L., Vandiver, M., & Bernardo, F. M. (1983). Families, prisons, and men with
death sentences: The human impact of structured uncertainty. Journal of Family Issues,
4, 593-612.
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016
King / GRIEVING PATTERNS
211
Ressler, R. K., Burgess, A. W., & Douglas, J. E. (1988). Sexual homicide: Patterns and
motives. New York: Free Press.
Schlesinger, L. B. (2000). Serial offenders: Current thought, recent findings. Boca Raton,
FL: CRC Press.
Schlosser, E. (1997, September). A grief like no other. Atlantic Monthly, 37-76.
Smykla, J. O. (1987). The human impact of capital punishment: Interviews of families of
persons on Death Row. Journal of Criminal Justice 15, 331-347.
Sprang, M. V., McNeil, I. S., & Wright, R., Jr. (1989). Psychological changes after the murder of a significant other. Social Casework, 70(3), 159-164.
Sprang, M. V., & McNeil, J. (1995). The many faces of bereavement: The nature and treatment of natural, traumatic, and stigmatized grief. New York: Brunner/Mazel.
Spungen, D. (1998). Homicide: The hidden victims. A guide for professionals. Thousand
Oaks, CA: Sage.
SupportGroup.com. (2000). So what do you do with the anger? Retrieved April 13, 2003,
from http://www.supportgroup.com
Kate King is an associate professor and director of the criminal justice program at
Murray State University. She earned her Ph.D. at the University at Albany in 1992.
Her research interests include AIDS in prison, the aging prison population, the social
world of inmates and prison staff, and most recently, the experiences of families of
murder victims and families of death row inmates. She is currently writing a book with
Mittie Southerland on criminal justice administration.
Downloaded from cjp.sagepub.com at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on February 18, 2016