Janine Nabers!
BAPF Excerpt
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FOR INQUIRIES CONTACT:
Scott Chaloff
WME
[email protected]
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NOTES ON PLAY:
The story you’re about to read is a little bit fable, a little bit horror and a little bit
country. WELCOME TO JESUS is its own unique genre of weirdness but the
characters are never to laugh at themselves. The stakes for these people are very
high... At the end of the day this play is about a family in mourning.
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Janine Nabers!
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BAPF Excerpt
WELCOME TO JESUS (excerpt)
Lights.
Same time. Deeper in the woods.
The only lights we see are the flashes of a police truck from off.
OFFICER MIKE limps around nervously. SHERIFF PAUL SR.
enters. His wide hat sits on his head like a golden halo. The badge
of the Texas star shines brightly on his chest. He is still tucking in
his uniform shirt.
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
What in God’s name are you doin’ callin me all the way out here on a game night? Can’t you see
I’m tired as hell?
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OFFICER MIKE
I’m sorry I had to—
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
How many times I gotta tell you this ain’t your job?
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OFFICER MIKE
I had to step in for Douglas! His thyroid swelled up again!
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SHERIFF PAUL
Your job is answering phones at that police station. If there’s an emergency you call me. I come
here. You stay put. That’s your job.
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Remember Skip. Your badge was taken away. You are no longer an officer of the law.
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OFFICER MIKE
Yes, Sir. Sorry Sir.
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
Just get on with it already.
Officer Mike steps aside and uncovers a lump on the ground.
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We see the body of a black woman.
SHERIFF PAUL SR.
Janine Nabers!
BAPF Excerpt
Sweet merciful Jesus. Is that who I think it is?
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OFFICER MIKE
Spook Woman Monroe.
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
She dead?
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OFFICE MIKE
She dead alright.
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
How in the world…?
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OFFICE MIKE
Got a call about strange sounds coming from the wood round here. That’s when I drove over and
searched the area. I almost gave up but then: poof. There she was...Stiff as a board.
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MIKE nudges the body with his foot.
SHERIFF PAUL SR.
GET your crummy boots off her! You know you ain’t supposed to be tamperin’ with a dead
body!
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MIKE
Oh.
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
You could contaminate the evidence!
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MIKE
I didn’t contaminate nothin! I just covered her body up with a sheet from the back of my truck.
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
Have you lost your mind?
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MIKE
What?
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
Leave that corpse be!
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MIKE
Janine Nabers!
BAPF Excerpt
Sorry Pa.
Shit.
I mean Sir…Sorry, Sir.
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
Go to my truck. I got a pack of gloves in the back seat and a flashlight. Bring ‘em to me.
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Mike starts to limp away.
SHERIFF PAUL SR.
And Skip?
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MIKE
Yes, Sir?
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
Don’t touch nothin. Don’t do nothin. Don’t say nothin. Come right back here.
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Mike exits. SHERIFF PAUL SR. takes off his hat. He kneels next to
the body of the black woman and moves her hair out of her face.
After a moment Mike re-enters. SHERIFF PAUL stops touching the
woman.
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MIKE
How long you think she been dead?
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PAUL SR.
Do I look like some kind of Doctor to you, Skip?
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MIKE
No, Sir.
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PAUL SR.
Hold that light on her body while I look her over some more. And keep still.
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MIKE
Yes, Sir.
Paul examines the body of Monroe.
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Mike chews on his tobacco. It’s loud and gross.
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Paul looks up at him.
Janine Nabers!
BAPF Excerpt
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Mike spits.
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A silence passes.
MIKE
(sing-songy)
There once was a witch named Monroe
She had the skin color of crow
Her eyes glazed of yellow
Cus she worshipped a fella’
With horns and a red face aglow.
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
Skip.
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MIKE
Yes Sir?
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
Stop fidgeting and shut the hell up.
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MIKE
Yes, Sir.
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Silence.
MIKE
I remember the last time I saw her. I was a kid. Maybe 9. 10. I did what all the other kids told me
to: Licked my finger and drew an x on my forehead with my spit… closed my eyes super tight
and thought about Jesus…she walked right on by me too.
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I can’t believe she’s dead… It’s gonna be strange livin’ in a town without a boogieman.
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Mike’s flashlight starts to flicker and then dies.
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The stage is completely dark.
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MIKE
Shit.
Sorry, Pa.
Mike bangs on the flashlight.
Janine Nabers!
BAPF Excerpt
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MIKE
It’s stuck.
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
A flashlight can’t get stuck. It either works or it doesn’t.
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MIKE
It’s stuck. I’ve had stuck ones before.
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Mike bangs on it some more.
MIKE
Should I take the battery out? Maybe blow on it?
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
Skip. Does it look like I have the time to wait here while you blow on a battery?
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MIKE
It’ll only take two seconds.
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
Goddamnitt! Give it to me!
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MIKE
Just let me—
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SHERIFF PAUL SR.
Give me the damn flashlight!
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The flashlight comes back on. We see Coach Arthur.
Coach stares into space like a zombie.
MIKE
SHERIFF PAUL SR.
What in God’s…?
Holy Smokes.
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Coach Henderson?
A moment.
SHERIFF PAUL SR.