Friday Humor XLIX Trust Football and Musings
February 2 2013
As football winds down with the Super Bowl this weekend and the concluded
national championship game, a few thoughts. Having watched and participated
in football in various forms for much of my life, I've developed a simple
premise. When teams are fairly evenly matched, you see the team with the best
players lead in the first half, and the team with the best coaches win the second
half. In the Falcons/49ers game the split was first quarter/last three quarters. In
the National Championship game, because the teams were so unevenly
matched, it was 60 minutes/0 minutes. In the Harbaugh Bowl, Super Bowl XLVII
on Sunday, I expect that little brother Jim will out outcoach older brother John,
although John is more likable.
Besides siblings coaching against one another, lots of story lines surround
Sunday's event: The Blind Side story of Michael Oher, a young teenager from
the other side of the tracks adopted by the Tuhoy family in Memphis and based
on the book by Michael Lewis (filmed in Atlanta at Georgia Tech and the Atlanta
International School); the final game of Ray Lewis, of fame from the tragic double
homicide by his bodyguards in Atlanta after the 2000 Super Bowl, as well as the
deer antler spray rumors of performance enhancing drugs; the emergence of
San Francisco's young quarterback, Colin Kaepernick; and lip-synced, Beyonce,
performing during the half-time show. Selfishly, while I thought San Francisco
played better and deserved to win against my Falcons, I do have suspicions that
the NFL and TV folks secretly wanted this West Coast/East Coast,
brother/brother pairing. Why else do you call a feather-brush to the helmet that
changes the tide of the game and then not call interference on fourth down inside
the five when the receiver is tackled and mauled 3 seconds before the pass is
thrown…just saying.
What a neat segue into TRUST. Last week, I was privileged to attend the biannual Vistage International conference in Dallas. It was a special time of seeing
both old and new friends, over 1000 leaders from around the world, and learning
from some of the best thought-leaders around. As we hear about deer antler
spray, big TV money driving pairings and outcomes of athletic competitions,
Lance Armstrong's lies, the phantom girlfriend of Manti T'eo, and subsequent
convenient non-story by Notre Dame and ESPN, altered news stories for political
gain, abuses by government, business, and even religious institutions, and
personal betrayals by both famous and infamous folks we know and know of,
trust is a topic of paramount importance in all that we do.
One of the outstanding Vistage speakers was Stephen M.R. Covey, author of a
great book, The Speed of Trust. and son of Stephen Covey, who recently died,
who wrote the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. The thoughts presented
are summarized in a piece below, but the exercise of thinking about your
dealings with highly trusted people compared to your dealings in low-trust
relationships is powerful. High trust relationships foster candor, honesty, open
communication, respectful disagreement, quicker and less costly decisions,
positivity, and a sense of oneness, among many other behaviors and
feelings. Lower trusting relationships are usually guarded, suspicious, slowmoving, costly, harmful emotionally, negative, and polarizing. We can all
improve our lives by building more trusting relationships, and that almost always
starts by giving trust first.
Enjoy this week's humor, inspiration, and hopefully, horizon-expanding
thoughts! Jay
"Trust is to human relationships what faith is to gospel living. It is the
beginning place, the foundation upon which more can be built. Where trust
is, love can flourish." Barbara Smith
Makes You Think (Thanks to Mike Morello)
To realize
The value of a sister/brother
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.
To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to
A premature baby.
To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize
The value of one
minute
:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or
plane.
To realize
The value of one second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident
..
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend or family member:
LOSE ONE.
Colgate Advertising Campaign
Colgate has created a very ingenious advertising campaign to promote their
dental floss,
but before I explain to you the main detail of these images, I will let you
appreciate them quietly...
Alright, now that you had time to quietly observe the images,
in the first one you will now notice that she has one finger too many in her hand,
in the second one a phantom arm is floating there, and in the third one the man
has only one ear...
The campaign attained its purpose, because it proved that food remains on your
teeth draw more attention than any physical defect...
The Love Dress
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the
door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled
the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him
to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get
enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch,
waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
Palindrome
This is worth the 90 seconds it takes to listen to…..you'll be surprised.
Palindrome
A palindrome reads the same backwards as forward . This video reads the
exact opposite backwards as forward. Not only does it read the opposite,
the meaning is the exact opposite.
This is only a 1 minute 44 second video and it is brilliant. Make sure you
read as well as listen....forward and backward.
This video was submitted in a contest by a 20-year old. The contest was
titled "u @ 50" by AARP and the video won second place. When they
showed it, everyone in the room was awe-struck and broke into
spontaneous applause. So simple and yet so brilliant.
Take a minute and watch it ~ Has sound, too ~ Just click on
Lost Generation
Clean Sex Quotes
SOME REAL CLASSICS!!!
Clean! The operative word.
CLEAN SEX QUOTES
--
Saving the best for last, here it is!
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL
EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does
it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot
category. Have a great Day. Laugh,
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
Speed of Trust with Stephen M.R. Covey
by Jamie Nanquil
Stephen M.R. Covey shares fondly the example his father exhibited to him as
child and what he carries today with him as a successful business leader. “As
good as my father was in public, as an author and as a teacher; he was even
better in private, as a husband to my mother and as a father to his kids. He was
what you thought he was. He was the real deal.”
Covey, co-founder and CEO of CoveyLink Worldwide, personally led the strategy
that propelled his father’s book, Dr. Stephen R. Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly
Effective People and authored his own groundbreaking book, The Speed of
Trust. He spoke on the focus of his own work and what he says is the one thing
that changes everything – trust.
Covey emphasized the importance of understanding how vital trust is and how
business leaders can turn the creation of trust into their greatest strength.
He began with the following exercise: Identify a person that you work with and
whom you have a high-trust relationship. Jot down your first impressions to
these questions:
1. What is it like to work with this person? 2. What is it like to communicate with
this person? 3. How fast can you get things done? 4. What kind of results are you
able to achieve?
Now identify a second person that you need to work with but with whom you
have a low-trust relationship or with whom the trust-level is not where you want it
to be. Now re-answer those same questions.
Describe the difference in these relationships.
What did you discover? These relationships are night-and-day different. Do you
think you could put a financial price tag on that difference? Absolutely.
There are 3 big ideas that Covey conveys when it comes to trust:
1) There is a business case for trust: Trust is an economic driver, not
merely a
social virtue.
Trust affects 2 measurable outcomes: speed and cost. When trust goes down,
speed goes down and cost goes up. This is called Low-Trust Tax. Take a look at
what happened with airplane travel since 9/11. Steps must be taken to
compensate for the lack of trust and it costs. Conversely, there is what is known
as a High-Trust Dividend: when trust goes up, speed goes up and cost goes
down. Think of your Vistage peer-advisory group as an example.
High trust organizations outperform low trust organizations by 286% in Total
Return to Shareholders. – Watson Wyatt/ Human Capital study
This is the economics of trust. 2) There is a leadership case for trust: Trust is
the #1 competency of leadership
needed today.
You can’t collaborate with people you can’t trust. Trust makes you better in every
other competency you need to have as a leader. Trust is the one thing that
changes everything. It is the foundation of leadership. As Warren Bennis posed
it, “Leadership without mutual trust is a contradiction in terms.”
3) Trust is a learnable competency.
There are 5 Waves of Trust according to Covey. At the middle is self-trust which
ripples out to relationship trust, then organizational trust, then market (or
external) trust, and finally to societal trust. “As trust is manifest in each
successive wave, the effect of trust becomes cumulative and exponential,” he
explains.
The way we diagnose is from the outside moving in, but when you want to
change something or transform something, you start from the inside moving out.
It is vital to start with self-trust. When you start there, everything takes root.
The key principle behind self-trust is credibility. Credibility is the foundation on
which all trust is built. Character and competence are what build credibility.
The 4 Cores of Credibility include:
1. Integrity (Character) – your honesty and truthfulness and includes
congruence, humility, and courage. A true test for integrity is how you behave
when there is a cost or consequence.
2. Intent (Character) – your motive or agenda and the behavior that follows. A
test of your intent is to see how you care about the people you are serving. Be
transparent in your relationships. It matters to show your intent.
3. Capabilities (Competence) – your capacity to produce and accomplish tasks.
Test yourself by asking: Are you relevant? Are you improving?
4. Results (Competence) – What’s your track record? People evaluate your
results/performance on three key indicators: past performance, current
performance, and anticipated performance.
Take the 4 cores of credibility and pick 1 you choose to work on – one that if you
choose to work on, will make you a better leader.
How might improving this Core of Credibility help you increase trust in your
business relationships and your personal relationships?
45 Lessons
The attached is well worth viewing
enjoy !
Making Pancakes
Six-year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents
pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter,
opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on
the floor.
He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most
of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor
which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.
Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to
be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.
He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the
stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his
kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking
the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental
mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.
And just then he saw Dad standing at the door big crocodile tears welled
up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd
made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a
spanking. But his father just watched him.
Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him
and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!
That's how God deals with us... We try to do something good in life, but it
turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we
can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.
Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything
else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us,
even though some of our mess gets all over Him.
But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to 'make
pancakes' for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then
they'll be glad we tried...
I was thinking and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed,
friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be
said. Sometimes, 'I love you' can heal and bless! Remind every one of
your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you
would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder
like this can do.
Message From Wife
Got home late last night after a full day of golfing and drinking with the
boys and the wife left a message in the kitchen.
I guess she wants me to eat more fruit.
My tax return - Returned?
I just received a letter from the IRS. It puzzles me!
They are questioning the number of dependents that I claimed. I guess it was
because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million
unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; half of
Mexico ; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?
GREAT TRUTHS
Truer words have never been spoken
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a
shame, two is a law firm,and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper
you aremisinformed. -- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member ofCongress. But
then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man
standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston
Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support
of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he
proposes to pay off with your money. --G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner. --James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich
countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Case, Classmate of Bill
Clinton at Georgetown University.
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to
teenage boys.-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at
the expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastiat, French economist(18011850)
11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving,
subsidize it. --Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will
Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs
when it's free! -- P. J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics
won't take an interest in you! --Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. --Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at
one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The
inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston
Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world
with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. -- Mark
Twain
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians --Edward Langley,
Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough
to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson
25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -Aesop
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of
prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for
without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does
not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because
the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea
that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they
work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!
Train Ride
Floyd Cramer at the piano. Just wait for the pictures to come on and have
your volume on. Have a special 2013!
http://www.openmyeyeslord.net/Train%20Ride.swf
12 Great Motivational Quotes for 2013 By Geoffrey James This set of
inspirational thoughts for the New Year will galvanize you into action.
At the start of every year, I create a list of quotes to guide and inspire me for the
next 12 months. Here are the quotes I've selected for 2013:
1. "Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your
soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements." Napoleon Hill
2. "The key to success is to focus our conscious mind on things we desire
not things we fear." Brian Tracy
3. "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you
get." Dale Carnegie
4. "Obstacles are necessary for success because in selling, as in all careers
of importance, victory comes only after many struggles and countless
defeats." Og Mandino
5. "A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action. If
there's no action, you haven't truly decided." Tony Robbins
6. "If you can't control your anger, you are as helpless as a city without walls
waiting to be attacked." The Book of Proverbs
7. A mediocre person tells. A good person explains. A superior person
demonstrates. A great person inspires others to see for themselves."
Harvey Mackay
8. "Freedom, privileges, options, must constantly be exercised, even at the
risk of inconvenience." Jack Vance
9. "Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live." Jim Rohn
10. "You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people
get what they want." Zig Ziglar
11. "The number of times I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of
times I can fail and keep on trying." Tom Hopkins
12. "You have everything you need to build something far bigger than yourself."
Seth Godin
Late Night Humor
"Already the Obama administration has been rocked by scandal. Beyonce lipsyncing; or at least we think she was lip-synching. Manti Te’o said it sounded
very real to him." –Bill Maher
"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is getting big-time financial support for his
re-election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg.
That means the creator of the world's largest social network is raising money for
the world's largest governor." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Why does Mark Zuckerberg need to raise a fundraiser worth $12 billion. Write a
check and be done with the whole thing." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Did you know when you poke Chris Christie on Facebook, your computer
giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama delivered his inaugural address, which set a more liberal tone
for his second term, especially the part where he showered the crowd with birth
control pills." –Seth Meyers
“This year marks the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr’s historic 'I Have
A Dream' speech. As well as the 1 year anniversary of my girlfriend’s 'I had the
weirdest dream' speech. Guess which one was longer.” –Seth Meyers
"House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate
the Republican Party. Do Republicans look like they need any help from
President Obama? They're doing a hell of a job themselves." –Jay Leno
"Women can now serve on the front lines in combat. I believe up until now, the
only woman who had ever seen action under a general was of course Paula
Broadwell." –Jay Leno
"A scary moment at John Kerry's secretary of state confirmation hearing. One of
the senators had taken his Ambien the night before and combined with the stuffy
room and Kerry's boring speech, he slipped a coma." –Jay Leno
"Yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is
to annihilate the Republican Party. Do the Republicans look like they need help
from President Obama?" –Jay Leno
"The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. Yeah, the hope is that we
can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment." –Conan
O'Brien
"North Korea said it will test a rocket that they hope will hit the United States. In
other words, watch your back, middle of the Pacific Ocean." –Conan O'Brien
"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was grilled by Congressmen about the attack
on Benghazi. Then out of habit she grilled them about where they were last night,
and who's this Megan?" –Conan O'Brien
"There's a photo from the Inauguration in which Former President Bill Clinton
appears to bechecking out Kelly Clarkson. Clinton said, 'That's not true, I was
checking out Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson got in the way.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Beyonce is remaining silent about charges that she lip-synched the national
anthem. However, the charges are being strongly denied by a recording of
Beyonce." –Conan O'Brien
"Steven Tyler defended Beyoncé after she lip-synced at President
Obama's inauguration. Tyler said, "I know how she feels, I did the same thing at
the Harry Truman Inauguration.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to a new 'Terminator' film. Due to his
age, this one features the catchphrase, 'I'll be back right after 'Wheel of Fortune.'"
–Conan O'Brien
"Yes, lip-gate. Beyonce-gate. The crisis in Lip-ya. Beyonc-gazi ... If Beyonce lipsynced at Obama's inaugural, do you know what that means? If so, please write
in because I'd love to know why I'm so angry!" –Stephen Colbert
"Joe Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera Monday, saying
he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he wasn't at
home standing in front of the bathroom mirror." –Jay Leno
"I'm still reeling from yesterday's inauguration disaster. First off, where was
security? The Secret Service is supposed to protect the president and first lady,
but in the middle of a kiss, they were viciously photobombed. Enjoy Gitmo,
Malia." –Stephen Colbert
"Where did we go wrong? The Republicans had everything going for them – a
terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the
American voter: 'less than half of you are parasites.'" –Stephen Colbert
"At the inaugural ball, President Obama was caught doing some very stiff and
awkward dance moves. In other words, Obama is already reaching out to
Republicans." –Conan O'Brien
"Video game-maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. Atari fans are so upset they're
organizing a massive letter-writing campaign to President Reagan." –Conan
O'Brien
"On the news they made a big deal out of the fact that four years ago there were
twice as many people at President Obama's first inauguration than there was at
this one. That's because four years ago, twice as many people could afford to
stay in hotels." –Jay Leno
"Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history?
George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George
Washington couldn't tell a lie." –Jay Leno
"The CEO of Whole Foods is criticizing Obamacare, once again calling it fascism.
He did this before when he called it socialism. And he said the problem with
socialism is eventually you run out of other people's money. As opposed to
shopping at Whole Foods, where you eventually run out of your own money." –
Jay Leno
"The post office may sue Lance Armstrong for all of the money they spent
sponsoring his team. In fact, after all these lawsuits, they say that Lance
Armstrong could end up as broke as the post office." –Jay Leno
"More than a million people gathered in our nation's capital yesterday, and tens
of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady's new haircut." –
Jimmy Kimmel
"Most people seem to like the hair style, though some Republicans are
demanding further cuts. But bangs aren't easy to pull off. As far as I know, the
only other women who have done it successfully this decade are Jessica Biel
and Justin Bieber." –Jimmy Kimmel
"The president gave a brief but powerful speech. He did not shy away from the
many challenges he faces: a massive federal deficit, a conservative majority in
the House, an aging population, runaway entitlements, humongous ears." –
Jimmy Kimmel
"Today's inauguration marked the first time ever a president used the word gay in
an inauguration speech. It was the part of the speech where Obama pointed at
the Washington moment and said, ''Whoever designed that thing must have been
pretty gay.'" –Conan O'Brien
"During the inauguration, Good Morning America host George Stephanopoulos
gave a shout-out to who he thought was Morgan Freeman, but was actually
Celtics great Bill Russell. Stephanopoulos then went on to say he was so excited
to be at Denzel Washington's inauguration." –Conan O'Brien
"During the inauguration, a teenage boy was spotted flirting with Malia Obama. At
this moment, the boy is being flown to a remote location in Afghanistan." –Conan
O'Brien
"Vice President Joe Biden was also sworn in for his second term today. Biden
swore on the Bible to uphold the Constitution and to keep doing whatever it is I
do.'" –Conan O'Brien
"In his inaugural address, President Obama said America's possibilities are
limitless. Unfortunately at that moment Lance Armstrong shouted out, 'That's
what I used to think." –Conan O'Brien
"There once was a man name Barack, Whose re-election came as a shock. He
raised the taxes I pay, And then turned marriage gay. And now he's coming after
your glock." –Stephen Colbert
"It was reported that President Obama's 2013 Inauguration Committee is
receiving fewer donations than it did in 2009. The scaled-back event will feature
fewer inaugural balls, a shorter parade, and a musical performance from the
Black Eyed Pea." –Seth Meyers
"Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to
declare President Obama's new gun control proposals 'illegal,' though I'm not
sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it's just thirty
hissing possums in a barn." –Seth Meyers
"Ann Romney has reportedly declined an offer to appear on this season's
Dancing With The Stars. She's probably not a good fit for the show anyway,
because I've heard of her." –Seth Meyers
"During an interview with Oprah Winfrey Thursday, Lance Armstrong admitted to
using banned drugs and blood transfusions to get his seven Tour De France
victories. Which explains why, during his last two races, he didn't even need a
bike." –Seth Meyers
"Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun
Appreciation Day. So don't forget to set your clock back 100 years." –Seth
Meyers
"I heard that President Obama’s inauguration will have its own iPhone app that
includes a map to public restrooms. Or as Al Roker put it, 'Download complete!'
(Which is ALSO what he said after pooping his pants at the White House.)" –
Jimmy Fallon
"Hey, this week was the season premiere of 'American Idol.' And this year people
are able to nominate their talented friends who don't want to audition. Yeah,
making someone try out for something they don't really want -- or as Republicans
call that, 'the Romney plan.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his
own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President
Obama was like, 'Yeah, that's how families work.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Yesterday Joe Biden defended the White House's gun-control initiative by
saying that he actually has two guns himself. Then Biden was like, “And I never
leave home without 'em.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Happy birthday to First Lady Michelle Obama. She turned 49 years old today.
She told a reporter she'd like a nice gift from Barack, but nothing extravagant.
Oh, don't worry. Obama is very responsible when he's spending his own money."
–Jay Leno
"Today Russia announced plans to send a probe to the moon by the year 2015.
Russian scientists say they're excited to see what they could discover on the
moon's surface. I'll tell you what they're going to discover – an American flag!" –
Craig Ferguson
"Yesterday Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a court
session for the first time in seven years. He never speaks and he finally spoke.
It's already being called the best 'that's what she said' joke ever." –Conan
O'Brien "Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only
mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco." –Conan O'Brien
"The White House has rejected an online petition to build a planetdestroying Death Star like the one in the movie Star Wars. Officials said today
the administration does not support blowing up planets. See, the White House
believes the most effective way to destroy planets is with their economic policy."
–Jay Leno
"Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and
Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the
greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican." –
Jay Leno
"The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico
with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge you by the
company you keep?" –Jay Leno
"Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the
healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams.
But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald
Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States." –Conan
O'Brien
"President Obama is coming under criticism that his new administration has less
diversity than his first one. Which is why this morning Obama said, 'All right, fine,
I am a Muslim." –Conan O'Brien
"The Golden Globes last night had a lot of great moments. During Jodie Foster's
emotional speech she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson.
Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, 'I'm going to need a raise.'" –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama held the final press conference of his first term in office this
morning, talking mostly about the debt ceiling. He announced if Congress doesn't
raise the debt ceiling America will go into default on its loans and we might have
to say goodbye to Florida." –Jimmy Kimmel
"An economist is suggesting that the U.S. Treasury mint a trillion-dollar county
and deposit it in the federal reserve – which is how 'The Lord of the Rings' starts,
isn't it?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"The Treasury will not mint a trillion-dollar coin. That is a shame. Wouldn't it be
nice to mint up nine or 10 and say we're even?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that
how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can't get the job done
anymore?" –Jay Leno
"U.S. customs officials recently discovered 310 pounds of marijuana hidden in
some frozen carrots. That's one way to keep kids away from drugs – put them in
vegetables." –Jay Leno
"Carrots and marijuana – how good will your vision be after THIS combination?"
–Jay Leno
"A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious
harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they think we do
something.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"This year nobody was elected to baseball's hall of fame. No player has ever
gotten into the hall of fame without winning Ohio." –David Letterman
"Ten days from now Barack Obama will be inaugurated. I'm telling you, it is really
starting to look bad for Mitt Romney." –David Letterman
"The inauguration will have a lot of corporate sponsors, big money, and
corporations sponsoring the inauguration. It will be the same with the Kardashian
baby." –David Letterman
"Our huge state budget deficit is gone. Governor Jerry Brown announced the
state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this
year we'll have a surplus of $785 million. You hear that, meter maids? Maybe you
can stop giving us tickets for a couple of months." –Jimmy Kimmel
"It's a huge achievement for Governor Jerry Brown. Apparently you can get a lot
done when you're not walking around saying 'I'll be back' all the time." –Jimmy
Kimmel
“Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Oscar nominations were announced.
'Lincoln' leads the list with 12 nominations. This is a first – not the most
nominations, but the first time Hollywood has ever voted for a Republican
president. That is amazing." –Jay Leno
"The White House announced today that the theme for President
Obama's second inauguration will be 'Faith in America's Future.' The idea is to
get our minds off of America's present." –Jay Leno
"President Obama's inauguration is coming up. During next week's inauguration,
he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it.
You're not a Muslim. You're overcompensating." –Conan O'Brien
"Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, has never been hotter. 'Lincoln' received
12 Oscar nominations. 'Lincoln' also received a nomination for best hat." –David
Letterman
"The 2013 Oscar nominations were announced today. 'Lincoln' earned the most
nominations of any movie. 12 nominations for 'Lincoln.' I have a feeling that if he
were alive today, Lincoln would say, 'What is a movie?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama recently came under fire over the lack of diversity in his
cabinet. Then Obama said, 'You guys know I'll be there, too, right?'" –Jimmy
Fallon
"Prostitutes in Brazil have started learning English so they can communicate with
out-of-town clients during the World Cup. They are learning key phrases like,
'You are very handsome' and 'Nice to meet you, Mr. Sheen.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The White House announced that the theme for President Obama's inauguration
will be 'Faith in America's Future.' Which is proof that no one in the White House
has ever seen 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama's team is promising special perks for donors who give at least
a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can
get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million dollars." –Jimmy Fallon
"Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC's White House comedy, '1600
Penn,' which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House.
Or as Joe Biden put it, 'Why's everyone looking at me?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most
amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork
that tells you when you're eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris
Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business." –Conan O'Brien
"Chris Christie said to his fork, 'Shut up or I'm going to switch to my friend —
spoon.'" –Conan O'Brien
dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We
can't even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality,
happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant
against the rise of imaginary Hitler."
"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work today and as a joke, her staff
gave her a helmet. This is the second time a Clinton in government has been
asked to wear protection." –Conan O'Brien