Autumn 2015
“ When a griever is
disenfranchised, they
feel like they can’t
share their pain or
feelings with others…
”
Disenfranchised Grief
“Often I am asked […] ‘What’s the
worst loss?’ It’s when it happens to
you, whatever the circumstances or
relationship” (Earl Grollman cited in
Doka 2002, p. xi).
What does it mean?
The word ‘disenfranchised’ means
to deprive someone of the right to
something. with grief, it means being
deprived of the right to grieve.
“When a griever is disenfranchised,
they feel like they can’t share their
pain or feelings with others – that their
grief is unacceptable, unworthy or
wrong and that they don’t have the
right to be feeling the way they do,”
says Australian Centre for Grief and
Bereavement Specialist Bereavement
Counsellor, Marie Hogarth.
Sometimes we can feel disenfranchised
Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement
253 Wellington Road, Mulgrave, Victoria 3170
as a result of the people around us,
e.g. well-meaning friends or family
unintentionally minimising your grief
through words, actions or expectations.
At other times, we can feel
disenfranchised as a result of how
society as a whole perceives grief, e.g.
unspoken ‘rules’ and social norms.
Disenfranchised grief can also be
self-imposed, i.e. for whatever reason,
you don’t believe that you have the right
to grieve. This can affect your selfesteem and your ability to trust your
decisions and choices.
When is grief disenfranchised?
Ultimately, disenfranchised grief
occurs when the person who is
grieving feels unsupported – by
friends, family, community, the
workplace, society, etc. or feels that
their grief is unacknowledged or
unworthy. Disenfranchised grief can
leave you feeling alone, isolated,
unsupported and/or unable to share
your experience. The world that once
made sense to you has been disrupted
and feels ‘shattered’.
Below are a variety of reasons why
grief may be disenfranchised.
When the relationship is not seen as
significant/valid
For example, relationships that are
non-traditional (e.g. same sex
partners, unmarried), those that
are not perceived as being close
(e.g. neighbours, co-workers),
relationships that occurred in the
past (e.g. ex-spouse, former friend),
relationships that were short in
duration (e.g. miscarriage, stillbirth),
those that do not involve a person
Ph: 03 9265 2100 | Fax: 03 9265 2150
Email: [email protected] | www.grief.org.au
generally supported first and foremost, but there can be
a much wider circle of bereaved individuals around them
that sometimes feel their grief is overlooked, or may not
feel their grief is appropriate, e.g. siblings, grandparents,
extended family, friends, schoolmates, teachers.
When grieving, it can be easy to think that someone else’s
grief takes precedence over yours, or alternatively, that
your loss is greater than someone else’s. Try to keep in
mind that grief is not a competition and that everyone has
a right to grieve, no matter what the circumstances.
What can I do?
Grief, whether it is disenfranchised or not, takes time to
process, heal and shift. It follows no set timeline and there
is no formula for it. However, while you can’t necessarily
‘stop it’, you can try to change the way you look at it.
With time and good support systems – both socially and
professionally, disenfranchised grief has the capacity to
shift, diminish and resolve itself.
(e.g. pet, companion animal) and those in which you never
met the person (e.g. online friend, celebrity).
When the cause of death is frowned upon/stigmatised
Sometimes we feel ashamed or guilty in grieving as a
result of the cause of the death. There are certain stigmas
amongst society around how people die, for example death
by suicide, drug overdose, HIV or an abortion.
When people/society don’t think you are capable of grief
For example, children, adolescents, the elderly, people
with a disability and those experiencing mental illness are
commonly overlooked.
When people/society don’t think you are worthy of, or have
‘earned’, your right to grieve
The idea that people have in some way forfeited their right
to grieve because of their actions (e.g. criminals), their
situation (e.g. asylum seekers, Indigenous Australians) or
their preferences (e.g. same-sex attraction).
Acknowledge your loss
“Your loss, no matter the circumstances that surround
it, is real and the grief that you feel as a result is
natural, normal and valid,” says Marie. “Disenfranchised
grief can be one our greatest teachers in life, and by
personally validating the loss, allowing yourself to feel the
significance of the connection, and honouring the affect
it has on you, you can then look more closely at what the
loss means for you and how you can move forward and
create new meaning in this changed world.”
Take care of yourself
Disenfranchised grief can affect both your emotional and
physical wellbeing, so putting together a self-care plan that
allows for rest, relaxation, healthy eating, moderate physical
activity, doing things you enjoy and social interaction if
possible, can put you in a much stronger position to be able
to navigate your grief experience.
Seek support
Sometimes loss occurs where the person as we know
them has died or is no longer reachable, but isn’t physically
dead. For example, loss as a result of ageing (e.g. loss of
function, dementia), injury, mental illness, substance abuse
and circumstances where the person is unreachable (e.g.
missing person, adoption).
You do not have to be alone through this difficult time. If
you can’t find the support you need in your immediate
circles, look beyond them. Seek out people who are in
a similar situation to you (e.g. through support groups,
online chat rooms) and/or people who are more likely to
be compassionate and understanding of your loss. Don’t
be afraid to seek professional support from a counsellor,
psychologist or other health professional either.
When you’re not grieving as you are expected to
Give yourself time and space to grieve
When the loss is not a death
Almost every grieving person at some point experiences
a time when they are made to feel that somehow they
aren’t ‘doing grief right’. Questions such as ‘why aren’t you
crying?’ or ‘shouldn’t you be over this by now?’ can leave
grievers feeling misunderstood and unsupported.
Hierarchies of loss
After a loss, often unintentionally, something of a hierarchy
can develop around who has ‘the greatest right’ to grieve.
For example, after the death of a child, the parents are
“You should never apologise for grieving, nor should you let
others dictate what you do or do not have a right to feel,”
says Marie. “It is often in our greatest struggles that we truly
find ourselves. As long as you are not harming yourself, or
others, free yourself from expectations and give yourself
permission to grieve in your own way and in your own time.”
References
Doka K. (Ed.). (2002) Disenfranchised grief: New directions, challenges,
and strategies for practice. Champaign, IL: Research Press.
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Letter From the CEO
Welcome to the Autumn 2015 edition of The Rosemary Branch. In this issue, our
feature article looks at disenfranchised grief. Sometimes called ‘empathic failure’
(Neimeyer & Jordan, 2002) this is a form of grief that is rooted in a failure to empathise
with the bereaved, i.e. to understand their suffering and hurt. Attig (2004) has said that
disenfranchisement of grief also involves political failure, including abuse of power and
neglect, particularly when others presume to know, but do not actually understand, a
mourner’s suffering or efforts to overcome it.
Disenfranchisement of grief is fundamentally a failure to respect the bereaved, either by
making things worse by compounding suffering or failing to respond constructively to
their suffering. This edition of The Rosemary Branch considers disenfranchised grief and
explores how we can ‘reclaim’ our right to grieve.
In this issue:
s &EATUREARTICLE
Disenfranchised Grief
s .EW!#'"-ANDALA
Support Group
s 4WONEW9OUR3TORIES
contributions
s &EATUREDGRIEFRESOURCES
Also in this edition, we’ve included two new ‘Your Stories’ contributions, information on
our new Mandala Support Group, and a number of bereavement resources that are
available for purchase here at the Centre.
If you would like to add or remove yourself from this mailing list please email
[email protected] or call (03) 9265 2100. If you would prefer to receive The
Rosemary Branch via email, please remove yourself from our mailing list, then visit our
website www.grief.org.au and click the Mailing List icon, to sign up.
Yours Sincerely,
Chris Hall
Chief Executive Officer, Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement
Attig, T. (2004). Disenfranchised Grief Revisited: Discounting Hope and Love. OMEGA - Journal of Death and Dying, 49(3), 197–215.
Neimeyer, R., & Jordan, J. (2002). Disenfranchisement as empathic failure: Grief therapy and the co-construction of meaning. In K. Doka (Ed.), Disenfranchised grief: New
directions, challenges, and strategies for practice (pp. 95-118), Champaign, IL: Research Press.
ACGB Support Groups
Support groups are a way of bringing people together in a safe space
to share common life experiences. This column looks at the range
of bereavement support groups offered by the Australian Centre for
Grief and Bereavement, and how you can become involved.
Mandala Support Group
For adults who have experienced the death of a loved one.
Mandalas are an ancient art form used in many cultures as a
method to connect to or express our inner selves. They are
a symbolic vista of our inner landscape along the journey to
self-knowledge and of being in the world.
“Mandalas can help people who are bereaved to integrate,
heal and transition through the pain and changes impacted by
the loss of a loved one,” says support group facilitator, Ginette
Shaw. “They can also help the bereaved to create a memorial,
with the symbolic images continuing to provide new insights
and meaning long after the mandala has been created. Out of
the loss, something beautiful is created.”
The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement (ACGB)
will be commencing a Mandala Support Group in 2015. This
group will be a closed group of six sessions, held fortnightly
at until it finishes. Closed groups are designed for a limited
number of people who agree to be present at all scheduled
sessions. It’s assumed that those who participate in the first
meeting will continue to make up the group until it ends. The
group will be held at ACGB offices in Mulgrave, Victoria.
Please Note: No art experience is required to paint
mandalas – all materials will be provided at a small cost and
assistance and instructions given – both at a group and
individual level.
To register your interest in attending the Mandala
Support Group, or for further information about
the group, (or other ACGB support groups), call
03 9265 2100 or email [email protected]
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it, I’ll take myself down to Melbourne to smother myself
in friends and family or decide to build another vegetable
patch and sweat and pound at the earth until I’m too tired
to feel anything, but it works.
There are some things I will never really enjoy anymore,
like photos of family on the wall because his face will never
age. My birthday because he’ll never share it with me. But
I love the strength I have found in myself. And I love that I
appreciate every day.
I always feel my heart’s broken pieces, but I like them, they
make me who I am and remind me of who he was, so I
embrace them.
Life is for Living
By Adrienne
About Andy
By Emma K
I could tell you how amazing his smile was, I could tell
you how his eyes shone when he was up to no good
and that his soul was a bit wild. But my heart longs
for the ‘was’ to become ‘is’ and now this will never be.
This story is about my grief, which has become my
connection to my son now, my son who died in March
2013. He was 18 and his name was Andy.
In the first year after his death I was compelled to
survive my grief. I raged against my own dying of the
light with an unstoppable passion to change my life.
I needed to replicate the values that were important
to me and live them to the fullest. I couldn’t live any
other way. I moved to the country, started growing
vegetables, making cheese, became passionately
involved in my community and fell back in love with the
nature surrounding me and the slower speed of life.
It was there that I found him again, in a quieter place.
I found him in the smile of others who I had helped. I
found him in the hard work in the earth on our little farm
and the laughter of my other children as they played
with chooks, slopped in mud. I found him away from the
old house where we got the phone call about his death,
away from the routine I could not continue after he was
gone. I remembered him as a young boy up a tree and
his fascination with bugs and creatures. I remembered
his soft nature that attracted children to climb on
his strong frame every time I would look up into the
branches of the huge elm in the front yard.
It’s coming up to the 2nd year anniversary of his
death and I am once again fighting. I am confronted
by another added year as I feel like losing him
happened yesterday. It is at this time when I find
it hard to concentrate, I don’t sleep well, and I feel
overwhelmed and scared. But this passes usually
with a good cry. Sometimes I have to work harder at
Your Stories is online!
‘Life is for the living’, but is life worth living when you have lost
your loved one, in my case, my partner, my love, my soul?
Is it different to lose them suddenly or to have the chance to
say goodbye? I don’t know the answer to that, but I know
that I wish I had had the chance to. My friend of 40 years lost
her husband two months to the day after I lost mine, and
she and her family were with him, for which I know they were
grateful. Our roller coaster rides have been very different, and
our acceptance of life after death has been different. Is this
because our farewells were so different? This I cannot say.
It has been nearly fifteen months, and the emotions are still
running amok. There are still so many tears, his absence
in my life still so deeply felt, but the tears are only shed
when I am alone. What should be joyous moments are still
saddened because he is not there to share them. It took
me a good six months before I could talk of him without
breaking down. I still feel my eyes start to glisten when
someone asks of him.
Sometimes I feel that the 24 ½ years we spent together
were just a dream, but I look at our children, grandchildren,
and photos of him and realise it was not, and I am so
grateful for the time that we had. I keep journals, write to
him every day, and have done since he passed. Sometimes
I find myself talking out loud to him, just for a moment
forgetting he is gone.
At twelve months I reread my journals, amazed at the
emotional roller coaster I have been on, how much my life has
changed: a new home in a new area, a new career choice,
a new grandson, our daughter’s wedding, facing my fear of
going to our favourite weekend getaway, which brought back
so many memories of good times shared, it was a day of
smiles mixed with tears, and I was so glad I did it.
Is life worth living once a loved one is gone? Well the
answer is yes, and although the journey has been fraught
with so many challenges – emotionally, physically, mentally,
and the journey is still going, it has made me a stronger
(or at least I like to think so) person, and I will be forever
grateful for the time I had with him, and for the love and
care of those around me.
To learn more about how you can contribute, or to read other people’s
contributions, go to www.grief.org.au and click on Your Stories.
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Join with the Australian
Centre for Grief and
Bereavement
and help transform
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Featured Resources
Sometimes Life Sucks:
When Someone You Love
Dies
Molly Carlile
$19.95 (incl. GST)
Teenagers experience loss in all kinds
of ways. Whether it’s the death of a
grandparent, pet or school friend, a teen
fatality, a peer with a terminal illness,
living without a mum or dad, or the
death of a celebrity, like everyone else,
teenagers also struggle to come to terms with their shock and
grief. Full of helpful tips, stories and gentle advice, Sometimes
Life Sucks helps teens navigate the loss of those they love.
The Australian Centre for Grief and
Bereavement is a not for profit
organisation and relies heavily on
donations for the provision of services.
Donations over $2 are tax deductible
and help support a range of support services including
bereavement counselling, support groups, newsletters,
events, education and training.
How to make a donation
The Circle of Life:
Unlock Your Courage
1. Fill in this donation slip and return to ACGB via post.
2. Visit www.grief.org.au and click “Make a donation”.
Walter Mikac
$15.95 (incl. GST)
3. Call us on 1800 642 066.
One off donation
Here is my gift of:
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We will all be confronted by a major
challenge sometime in our lives. We
can choose to shut down, retreat and
not participate in life, or we can decide
to learn from the experience and make
a difference to those around us. After
the events of the Port Arthur Massacre in which the author
lost his family, he decided to make a difference in not only
his own life, but in others’. This collection of observations,
reflections, feelings and positive affirmations helped him deal
with life’s tragedies and still view the future with optimism.
$100 $200
(min. $2)
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Coping With Grief
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Mal McKissock & Dianne McKissock
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Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement
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This book describes what one can
expect during the grief process. It
addresses issues of normal grief,
managing anniversaries and special
dates, physical and emotional reactions,
the funeral, gender differences in grief,
children and grief, sexuality and grief,
consequences of bereavement, support teams, self-help and
community education.
These books, along with a range of other useful resources,
can be purchased from the Australian Centre for Grief and
Bereavement.
Visit www.grief.org.au/resources to download
a resource guide/order form, email
[email protected] or call 1800 642 066.
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Our Services
The Rosemary Branch
Remembrance Events
For all enquiries about The Rosemary Branch, please contact
the Centre on 03 9265 2100 or email [email protected]
to subscribe to our mailing list. To download a PDF version of
current and past editions, or to receive The Rosemary Branch
as an e-newsletter, go to www.grief.org.au
Remembrance Events are held by the Centre during the year.
Information is sent to clients of the Centre who are on our mailing
list prior to the event. For further information call 03 9265 2100, or
email [email protected]
Bereavement Counselling and Support Service
ACGB is a content partner with the Better
Health Channel. Better Health Channel
provides health and medical information that
is quality assured, reliable, up to date, easy
to understand, regularly reviewed and locally relevant. For more
information, go to www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au
The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement (ACGB) operates
a statewide Specialist Bereavement Counselling and Support
Service for Victoria. This program is funded by the Victorian
Government Department of Health and has counsellors located
across metropolitan Melbourne and in regional areas (Grampians,
Gippsland, Hume, Barwon South-West, and Loddon Mallee).
For further information, call 03 9265 2100, or email
[email protected]
Support Groups
ACGB operates a range of support groups, including groups for
adults, children, bereaved partners, death of a parent and many
more. For further information call 03 9265 2100, or email
[email protected]
Lending Library
The Lending Library is a portable collection of books about grief
and loss. The books cover a wide range of topics and cater for
all age groups. For more information, please contact the Centre on
03 9265 2100 or email [email protected]
Volunteering
Better Health Channel
Healthshare
Healthshare is an Australian national
health initiative designed to provide
better access to health expertise
and improve the quality of health information online. ACGB is a
content provider within Healthshare’s online bereavement support
community. Users can post questions or share experiences with
others. ACGB staff regularly answer questions posted by the
community. For more information, go to www.healthshare.com.au
We value your feedback
If you have feedback about The Rosemary Branch, the Australian
Centre for Grief and Bereavement Counselling and Support Service,
or any of the services we deliver, we would love to hear from you.
Contact us on 03 9265 2100 or email [email protected]
The Australian Centre for Grief and
Bereavement acknowledges the support of
the Victorian Government.
Would you like to contribute to the work of the Australian
Centre for Grief and Bereavement as a volunteer? Contact us
on 03 9265 2100, or email [email protected]
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Contact Us
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253 Wellington Road, Mulgrave, Victoria 3170
Ph: 03 9265 2100 | 1800 642 066
Website: www.grief.org.au
©2015 Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement
For our Bereavement Counselling and Support Service
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Email: [email protected]
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