News-Press • Sunday, January 28, 1996— 3G
Scientists dealing with real question:
Are lobsters really just large insects?
I
am pleased to report that the
scientific community has finally stopped wasting time on the
origins of the universe and
started dealing with the important
question, which is: Are lobsters
really just big insects?
I have always maintained that
they are. I
personally
see no significant difference between
a lobster and,
say, a giant
Madagascar
hissing cockBarry
roach, which
is a type of
cockroach that grows to approximately the size of William Howard
Tafl {1857-1930). If a group of diners
were sitting in a nice restaurant,
and the waiter were to bring them
each a freshly killed, steaming-hot
Madagascar hissing cockroach, they
would not put on silly bibs and eat it
with butter. No, they would run,
retching, directly from the restaurant to the AH-Nite Drive-Thru Lawsuit Center. And yet these very same
people will pay $24.95 apiece to eat a
lobster, despite the fact that it displays all three of the classic biological characteristics of an insect,
namely:
1. It has way more legs than necessary.
2. There is no way you would ever
pet it.
3. It does not respond to simple
commands such as "Here, boy!"
I do not eat lobsters, although I
once had a close call. I was visiting
my good friends Tom and Pat
Schroth, who live in Maine (state
motto: "Cold, But Damp"). Being
generous and hospitable people,
Tom and Pat went out and purchased, as a special treat for me, the
largest lobster in the history of the
Atlantic Ocean, a lobster that had
probably been res|>onsible for sinking many commercial vessels before
it was finally apprehended by nuclear submarines. This lobster was big
enough to feed a coastal Maine village for a year, and there it was,
sprawling all over my plate, with
scary in sec toK! legs and eyeballs
shooting out in all directions, while
Tom and Pat, my gracious hosts,
smiled happily at me, waiting for
me to put this thing in my mouth.
Remember when you were a
child, and your mom wouldn't let
you leave the dinner table until you
ate all your Brussels sprouts, and so
you took your fork and mashed them
into smaller and smaller pieces in
hopes of eventually reducing them to
individual Brussels-sprout molecules that would be absorbed into
the atmosphere and disappear? That
was similar to the approach I took
with the giant lobster.
"Mmmm-MMMM!" I said, hacking away at the thing on my plate
and, when nobody was looking, concealing the pieces under my dinner
roll, in the salad, in my napkin, anywhere I could find.
Tom and Pat: I love you dearly,
and if you should ever have an electrical problem that turns out to be
caused by a seven-pound wad of old
lobster pieces stuffed into the dining-room wall socket, I am truly sorry.
Anyway, my point is that lobsters
have long been suspected, by rne at
least, of being closet insects, which
is why! was very pleased recently
when my alert journalism colleague
Steve Doig referred me to an Associated Press article concerning a discovery by scientists at the University of Wisconsin. The article, headlined GENE LINKS SPIDERS AND
FLIES TO LOBSTERS, states that
not only do lobsters, flies, spiders,
millipedes, etc., contain THE EXACT SAME GENE, but they also are
all descended from a single common
ancestor: Howard Stern.
No, seriously, the article states
that the ancestor ''probably was a
wormlike creature." Yum! Fetch
the melted butter!
And that is not all. According to
articles sent in by alert readers (this
was on the FRONT PAGE of The
New York Times), scientists in Denmark recently discovered that some
lobsters have a weird little pervert
organism living ON THEIR LIPS..
Yes. I didn't even know that lobsters
HAD lips, but it turns out that they
do, and these lips are the stomping
ground of a tiny creature called
"Symbion Pandora" (literally, "a
couple of Greek words") The zoology community, which does not get
out a lot, is extremely excited about
Symbion Pandora, because it reproduces differently from all other life
forms. According to various articles,
when Symbion Pandora is ready to
have a baby, its digestive system
"collapses and is reconstituted into
a larva," which the parent then
gives birth to by "extruding" it from
its "posterior." In other words correct me if I am wrong here this thing basically reproduces by
pooping.
So to summarize: If you're looking for a hearty entree that (1) is related to spiders; (2) is descended
from a worm; and (3) has mutant
baby-poopers walking around on its
lips; then you definitely want a lobster. I myself plan to continue avoiding them, just as I avoid oysters,
which are clearly - scientists
should look into this next - members of the phlegm family. Have you
ever seen oysters reproduce? Neither have I( but I would not be surprised to learn that the process involves giant undersea nostrils.
And don't get me started on
clams. Recently I sat across from a
person who was deliberately eating
clams; she'd open up a shell, and
there, in plain view, would be this
stark naked clam, brazenly showing
its organs, like a high-school biology
experiment. My feeling is that if a
restaurant is going to serve those
things, it should put little loincloths
on them.
I believe that Mother Nature
gave us eyes because she did not
want us to eat this type of food.
Mother Nature clearly intended for
us to get our food from the "patty"
group, which includes hamburgers,
fish sticks and McNuggets - foods
that have had all of their organs
safely removed someplace far away
such as Nebraska. That is where I
stand on this issue, and if any qualified member of the lobster, clam or
phlegm-in-a-shell industry wishes to
present a rebuttal, I hereby extend
this offer: Get your own column.
Dave Barry is a humor columnist
for the Miami Herald.
Daughter's time with parents filled with pain, regret
DEAR ABBY: My mother is very
hard to talk to, but she reads your
column faithfully, so maybe she will
recognize herself Mother wonders
why I enjoy spending so much time
with my in-laws. Here are a few reasons:
My in-laws
do not criticize me every
time they see
me.
They
don't say I
look fat, my
clothes
are
not appropriate or my
hairstyle
is
SSrJR *W^n^n
point out everything I do wrong with my children; they say I'm doing a good job
and I should be proud of myself. (I
am.)
My in-laws understand when I
have to split holidays between them
and my parents. They actually enjoy
spending time with their grandchildren - attending ball games, school
plays and kids' birthday parties, and
they don't act like it's a burden or an
annoyance to baby-sit. Most of all,
they listen when I talk.
Abby, I would give anything to
have a good relationship with my
parents. Believe me, I've tried, but
they are so self-righteous and set in
their own ways, they really don't
know me. Even though we live very
close to them and see them often, I
still feel like I'm a million miles
away.
Thanks for listening, Abby. I just
thought instead of crying this time,
I'd share my thoughts with you.
Maybe other readers have gone
through this, too. - DEPRESSED
DAUGHTER
DEAR DEPRESSED: On the
chance that your mother misses this
column, it might be a good idea for
you to READ it to *er. She needs to
hear from you bow hurt you are ...
and why.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the comments made by
Dr. Charles F. Downen and Kimberly Carter regarding "Defensive
Driver in International Falls,
Minn."
I am one of those careless smokers who toss cigarette butts out of
the car window. Usually it's because
I am driving. To avoid taking my
eyes off the road while putting my
cigarette out, I simply toss it from
my window.
Unm today, I never considered
that my actions could be harmful to
others. But thanks to you and your
commitment in allowing readers to
share their experiences through
your column, I am now aware of my
irresponsible behavior.
To all my fellow drivers, I say,
"I'm sorry/'
Drivers who complain about cigarette butts are not "hatemongers"
* they are people with a genuine concern for the safety of themselves
and others.
I hope other drivers with the
same habit realize the possible consequences and refrain from this behavior. You may use my name . , .
MICHELLE MDODANA, VAN
NUYS, CALIF.
DEAR MICHELLE: Thank you
for your honest letter. I, too, hope
that drivers who carelessly toss cigarette butts will realize how dangerous this habit can be.
DEAR ABBY: Your Clovis reader's mother-in-law had the right idea
when she had everyone sign and
date the holiday tablecloth.
My parents do the same, and every time a special family dinner occurs, the tablecloth is spread! New
You should see it now! It's more
embroidered than white, and it's a
delight to reminisce over 30 years of
family
reunions. KEITH
ENSMINGER, MERCED, CALIF.
NEW ARRIVALS
CANDLEH HOSPITAL
Mr and Mr*. Rod*** Cotan, • 9*1 Madia G-abn«*• Cofttn
M. and Mr* Tracy Ham, StalMboro, a boy C»
Jan. 2:
Mr and ft**. Clayton WWatrw, • boy. On»toprS«r
EithaWlhmi.
Mr. and Mr*. Frad BavNor a boy, Thomas WaR«
Jbahua Vamar and Jemai Jacfcton. a 9*1, Tanka
JocaytiVamar
Jaa*
Tarranw Benkwd and Pafrtoa Wnght, a boy Ter
ronoa DaWayne Bantord
Mr. and Mr*. Howard Bowd«n. Tybee Island, a
girt, VtegM« Grace Bowden
Mr. and Mr*. Louis Freedman, a boy. Isaac Juian
FraadrnaiL
Mr. and Mrs. Wliam Hogan. a boy, WHam
.Hogan
Jan. 12:
0*c 29
Eifth Hfems and Tatoa Bennett a gprl Etews T
w« Harrfe
Mr and Mrs trvng Oougftt a 3*1 KaCNaen
Mf and Mrs John $m«n H»8<X' Head
S C a oo> Jonn Dan** Aote Smart
Aniono Johnson and Me*n<3a «oo«fts * g*\
Khana Smooe Johnson
Sandra Cooper a g*i Jermena jade Heywa'c
Cooper
Mr and Mts Mite Fleming a ooy Aiexand«»
Mr and Mrs Harry Ambrose. BeHvilte a t»y Col
by Justin Amlxoee
Mark Jtmes and Steprxanw Jordan a coy Jor
dan Mark Anthony James
Mr and Mrs George Corto. a g»t Maeson Ann
Conln
Jame« Emerson and Janic* Jones a boy James
Emerson
Jan. 13
Mr and Mrs Chrstopher Lov« a gui S«mantha
HateyLove
Mr arwj Mrs Bnan Allen a g»i Caitlin EltzaDetn
Alen
,
Mr and Mrs Samy Noel a Doy Decnte Antonio
Noel
Jan. 14:
James Bryant and Tiffany
Jairrine Bnana Mane Bryant
Hamilton
a gin
MEMORIAL MEDtCAL CENTER
Jan. 4:
Mr. and Mrs. Osmck Webster a boy, Derrick
Roooil Webster.
Mr. and Mrs. Wilam Leggefl a girl, Lauren ESz*
berth Lngoetl
Harold Jenkins and Keiona Clark, a boy, Harold
OttsJanidns.
Mr. and Mrs. Richard SperVs, Richmond Hill, a
girl, Kristen Lee Sparks
Jan. 5:
Shataundra Wallace, Springfield, a girl, Keionna
Cfeaittei WaHac*.
Mr. and Mrs. Dennis Sylvester, a girl, Sarah Eltz•beth Sylvester
Wanda EKson, a boy, Raheem Mohamed Ellison
Mrs. and Mrs Michael Wilams, ThunderboR, a
boy, Kevin Marcus Blake Wtliams.
Mr. and Mrs. Michael Williams, Thunderbolt, a
boy, Devtn Marquis Bake Wiftams
Jan. 6:
Mr and Mrs. Delmon Milter, a boy, Defmon Andre
Miter
Charte Mitchell and Alaina White, a girt, Anejht
Ayanah Mitchell.
Jan. 7:
Turkesha Rowers, a boy, Brian Kino Flowers
Mr. and Mrs Malcolm Galbreath, Richmond Hill,
Joshua Thomas Galbreath.
Nathaniel Brown and Chiquita Toney, a boy, Maiit Trevon Brown.
Jan. 8:
Mr. and Mrs. Alan Emerick, a boy, Brett Alan
Emerick.
Mr. and Mrs. Hubert Griner, Guyton, a girl, Emily
Brooke Griner.
Carrie Stevenson. Springfield, a boy, Herbert Stevenson.
Tracy Brown and Dionne Blackshear, a girl,
Brianna Werra Brown.
Mr. and Mrs. James Moore, a girl, Christin Faith
Moore.
Mr. and Mrs. Walter Ray, GlenrwWe, a girt, Megan Els Ray.
.Mr. and Mrs. George Pabst, Faulkvle, a boy,
Geoffrey Colin Pabsl
Mr. and Mrs. Mark Srrojny, a girl, Kelly Nicole
Slrojny,
Jan. 9:
Servatreus Lawton, a boy, Jason Larnar Green
Lawton.
Jan. 10:
Samuel Mitchell and Ouida Johnson, a boy, Samuel Lee Mitchell.
Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Gray, a girt, Sydney Marie
Gray.
Mr. and Mrs. Dennis StanfieW, Gtennville, a boy,
Wliam Cateb Stanftetd.
Mr. and Mrs. Rhett Griner, Richmond Hill, a girl,
Brittany Renee' Griner.
Mr. and Mrs. Timothy Sheahan, a boy, Stephen
Jerome Sheahan.
Mr. and Mrs. Alan Braddy, Lyons, a boy, Hunter
Lane Braddy
D*c.23:
Amanda Donaldson a girt Jasmine Mikia
D«C. 24:
Mr and Mrs Glenn Steete Rincon a gtrl, Ivory
Alexis Sleete
Mr and Mrs Michael Way a boy James Daniel
Way.
Mr
Craig
and Mrs Ma»K Hammond a ooy
30
Frank Rurtin and JeaneBe Ganett Rocnytgrd .Ftankia Roneshta Ruflm
Alison Hayes, Statesoo/o a uoy Oemc*. Marx
Mr and Mrs Chartes McCa*1 ui a or' Lame)
McCa<!
. 31:
Jennrfei Sellers, a boy Kha« Devonte
Baneti deVegler and Tammy HuteH E»aoe« fa
boy. Jeremy Wayne deVegter
James Stewart Jr and Melissa Home Guyton ;,
girt. Brooke Logan Stewart
Czra Grady artf Latera Harmtton a girl Deiaf^,
Tyresna Rena Grady
Jamtttah Murph/ a boy Khali) Demc*nte
Jan. 1 :
Selethia Watson, a boy Malik Tyn
Mr and Mrs Manon Daniels, Htnesvifle a gm
Lakia Kjera Daniels
Corey Cotton Sr and Wanda Perry a coy
Wanya Malik Con on
Arnold Wnght and Jennifer EOwards Fbceboro ;.
boy, Shane Patrick Henry Wnght
DM. 25:
Jan. 2:
Of and Mrs Donald Cobb a boy Luke Daniel
Cobb
Albert Jenkins and Ella Green a boy. Tyrae Albert Jenkins.
Howard Humphrey and Kelly Miner Rincon. a
girl, Jasmine Nicole Humphrey
Maurice Johnson and April Snider a girt Brionna
Alexus Johnson
John Anderson Sr. and Rodeare Bryant, a boy
John Edward Anderson I!
Mr and Mrs Ivan Foftson Jr a girl Cofleen Ma
ne Fortson
Egypt Lamer a boy Malaga Abdul Selan Aftah
Damon Mitton and Pamela Davis a gir'
MonQuanika Mooshay Milton
Angela Warren a DO, Cartos Antonio
Sophia Gibson. ABenhurst, a girl, Jaz'men Darv
iele.
Oac. 26:
Lona Rhoe, a girl, Courtney Toronto
Herman Shields and Melissa DuBois, a boy
Maurice Herman Shields
Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Gilder. Guyton, a boy. Tay
tor Michael Gilder
Jan. 3:
Demetrius Davis and Seteaa Jenkins a Ooy Dt>metnus Mario Daw-is II
Mr and Mrs Chnstopht?' Laners. a boy Josepr;
Edward Lamecs
Janiqwa Gentr,' agir' NeysaAteana
Mr and-Mfs 9<Uy Collins" Collins, a girl. Katie Abigail
Mr and Mrs Shawn Barribeau. a girl. Emory
Rain Ba/nbeau
Sara Berry 3 hoy Aaron Jamal
Mr and Mrs Todd Ditfenderfer. a boy, Dante-'
William Diflendeder
Dae. 27:
Mr and Mrs. Charles Turner, a boy, Jeflery Joseph Turner
Mr and Mrs. Thomas Bath, BrookJet, a boy, Matthew Thomas bath.
Joyce Russell, a boy, Antwan Lanier
Dr. and Mrs William Adcox, a boy Andrew Carson Adcox,
Dec. 26:
Conna&y Brinson and Tracy Harrell, a girt.
Tray'Quana Coneshia Brinson
Aaron Crews and Amy Jernigan, Midway, a girl.
Erica Storm Crews
Eric Lloyd and Traoe Robinson, a boy, Assanti
Kadeem LJoyd,
Mr, and Mrs Anthony Griffith, a boy. Adam Keith
Griffith,
Mr. and Mcs Miller Gotdwire a girl. A'Caila
Lashan Goldwire,
Mr and Mrs. Just'n Buckley, a boy. Chartes Tyler
Buckley
Melvtn Ford Jr a;<1 Mary Bryant Garden City a
girl, Sabna Desnay Ford
Mr and Mrs Floyd Walker Jr , a girl Kristine Angelica Walker
Shelter
Sundays Homes &
Real Estate
SAVANNAH NEWS/PRESS
SB WHAT'S Ml n fOK YOU!
Jan. 11:
Karen Harden, Port Wenlworth, a boy, Jermaine
Kareem Harden.
Mr. and Mrs. Nitita Carpenter, a girl, Jana Maure
Carpenter.
Mr. and Mrs. Sean Davis, Pooler, a boy, Blake
Camden Davis.
Mr, and Mrs. Charles Rewis, RekJsvile, a girt,
Martha Mistl-Dawn Rewis.
Mr.-and Mrs. Robert Drewiy, Pooler, a ixry, John
Robert Drewry.
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