A Meating of the Minds
John Greiner-Ferris
60 Grand View Avenue
Apt. #2
Quincy, Mass. 02170
508.494.6633
[email protected]
www.johngreinerferris.com
Copyright © 2013
A Meating of the Minds Page 2 of 13 A Meating of the Minds
A Ten-Minute Play
Characters (not gender- or race-specific):
A Lion
A Cheetah
A Zebra
A Human Being
Setting:
The Serengeti Supper Club
LION and CHEETAH are led into the dining
room by ZEBRA. LION is truly the King of
the Jungle. CHEETAH is sleek and sexy.
ZEBRA
This way please. We reserved your usual table for you.
LION & CHEETAH
(As they’re being seated) Thank you & ah, honey, you remembered, etc.
ZEBRA
Good evening, Lion. Cheetah. My name is Zebra and I’d like to welcome you back to the
Serengeti Supper Club. I’ll also be your waiter tonight. We have some wonderful specials
that I’d like to tell you about. (Reading) First off, we have a tender oven-roasted rack of
toddler, seasoned with rosemary, thyme, garlic, salt, and freshly ground black pepper, and
drenched with olive oil. And we have a baby Marsala—Cutlets of baby flank pounded
thin, breaded and cooked in a skillet with butter, mushrooms and Marsala wine -- simple
and elegant. Finally, we have tartare—Finely chopped raw human—both white and dark
meat—served with onions, capers and seasonings with a raw egg yolk, and served over a
crust of rye bread.
LION
Do you have any other selections besides human?
ZEBRA
Not tonight, no, just human. Sorry.
A Meating of the Minds Page 3 of 13 LION
(At each, ZEBRA signifies “no”) Nothing else? No wounded gazelle on the Serengeti
steak? Giraffe flambeau? Impala au jus?
ZEBRA
Phew. For a minute there I thought you were going to say zebra.
Awkward silence.
ZEBRA
Well, that was awkward.
LION
(To CHEETAH) Did I ever tell you the about the time I single-handedly pulled down a
rabid warthog with my bare paws?
CHEETAH
Yes dear, you did. Many times.
LION
Oh. Well. (To ZEBRA) Is the human fresh? It’s just that they’re bottom feeders and I’ve
been trying to eat more healthy.
HUMAN
(Off) Hey.
ZEBRA
Oh yes, I assure you, it is quite fresh. Our kitchen is supplied daily by local farms that
raise organic, free-range humans.
HUMAN
(Off) Take your filthy paws off me.
LION
Ah.I think we’ll need a moment.
ZEBRA
Of course.
LION
Thank you.
ZEBRA exits.
A Meating of the Minds Page 4 of 13 LION
The rack of toddler looks good, doesn’t it? But I wonder though…the last time I was here
I had it and I think they passed a teenager off as a toddler…It seemed a bit gamey, not
quite as tender as I would have expected a toddler. What exactly is a toddler anyway?
CHEETAH
I think it’s just another name for a baby human. It’s all marketing, really.
LION
But what part of the baby human?
CHEETAH
I really don’t know. Ask the waitress when she comes back.
LION
Ugh, she’s as dumb as a…well, as a zebra. Why would I come here for zebra if I can just
get it at the drive-thru?
CHEETAH
Mmmm…
LION
Baby Marsala. Hmm…haven’t had that in a while.
CHEETAH
I always feel so guilty eating it, though. They take them from their mothers at birth and
put them in those baby-fattening pens and just feed them milk. Have you seen those
BETH videos?
LION
BETH?
CHEETAH
Beasts for the Ethical Treatment of Humans.
LION
Oh, those whackos….
CHEETAH
And they make that horrible noise.
LION
The BETH people?
CHEETAH
No, dear. The babies. It’s this nonstop wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah…
A Meating of the Minds Page 5 of 13 LION
All right, honey.
CHEETAH
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah…
LION
Honey! All right. The other beasts are looking.
CHEETAH
Wah. But it does taste so good…
LION
So, have it.
CHEETAH
No I can’t. I know I’d hear them wahing in my dreams.
LION
Well, the human tartare then. That shouldn’t make you feel guilty. A full-grown, adult
human. Nasty buggers. Ever corner one of those things in the bush?
HUMAN dashes onstage in some stage of
undress, chased by ZEBRA who wields a
meat cleaver. HUMAN does some nifty
footwork, but does not elude ZEBRA who
finally grabs him by the ear.
ZEBRA
Sorry about that. They’re tricky little devils. He gave me the slip when I was trying to
skin him.
ZEBRA expertly skins a bit more off the
human—maybe a t-shirt.
HUMAN
Please don’t eat me. I have a wife and three kids in college.
LION
Oh, look, it’s trying to speak. They’re so animal sometimes, aren’t they?
ZEBRA drags him offstage to the kitchen.
LION
They weren’t kidding when they said it was fresh.
A Meating of the Minds Page 6 of 13 CHEETAH
Did you see it? It was so cute.
LION
Cute? You must be rabid. That cute, as you referred to it, human, would as soon have
yours and my skins on his floor as rugs as be your house pet.
CHEETAH
Well I thought it was cute. I wonder if they serve salad here. I’ve always wanted to try
one.
LION
What did you say?
CHEETAH
I said I thought it was cute. The human.
LION
No darling. The other thing.
CHEETAH
Oh. I wondered if they served salad. I’ve always wanted to try one.
LION
Oh for god’s sake.
CHEETAH
What? It’s just something different.
LION
Now you’re just trying to shock me.
CHEETAH
We don’t have to eat meat all the time.
LION
Yes we do! We’re carnivores. That’s what carnivores do. We eat meat.
CHEETAH
That’s ridiculous. Who says? We can eat other things.
LION
No we can’t! That’s an omnivore. They eat anything. We’re carnivores. We only eat
meat.
A Meating of the Minds Page 7 of 13 CHEETAH
You said that. I don’t think it would hurt anything if I had a salad now and then.
LION
Yes, it would.
CHEETAH
What could it possibly hurt?
LION
If you start eating bales of hay….
CHEETAH
Salads. I didn’t say anything about bales of hay.
LION
Darling, listen to me. It would upset the balance of nature. You’re a fearsome predator.
The other animals are afraid of you.
CHEETAH
What do I care if animals are or aren’t afraid of me? I just think it would be nice if I
didn’t have to chase things all the time. Trees and bushes and grass don’t move. Think
how nice it would be if you could just reach down and pull up a clump of grass.
ZEBRA enters and places a plate on the
table.
ZEBRA
Jackal and hide fritters. Compliments of the chef.
CHEETAH
(Indicating the plate of fritters) See. Isn’t this nice? Thank you. And you didn’t have to
chase it down and rip its throat out. Have a fritter.
(CHEETAH teases LION with a fritter,
making him pounce on it. LION and
CHEETAH start eating the fritters. LION
plays with his food, maybe batting it around
on the table, stalking it, before he eats it.
Then: )
LION
Here. Snarl at me.
A Meating of the Minds Page 8 of 13 CHEETAH
What?
LION
Just humor me. Snarl.
CHEETAH
OK
CHEETAH gives kind of a weak snarl.
LION
No, really snarl.
CHEETAH really snarls. She continues
snarling as:
LION
There you go. See, look at those teeth. Those claws. You were built to chase and rip and
tear and eat meat. Rip and tear living flesh. Your sleek, spotted coat. Those feline eyes.
Your…lithe…supple…tail.
CHEETAH is mildly aroused. She snarls
some more.
LION
Those choppers weren’t made for gnawing grass. Like that.
LION points at ZEBRA who is waiting
nearby, chewing her cud. ZEBRA waves to
the diners.
CHEETAH
She does seem happy.
LION
Ok, that’s enough. Excuse me, Zebra? Would you come here please?
CHEETAH
What are you doing?
LION
I’m taking matters in my own paws, that’s what I’m doing. (To ZEBRA) Excuse me, but
would you bring out that human please?
A Meating of the Minds Page 9 of 13 ZEBRA
Bring it out? Here? In the dining room?
LION
Yes, please. If you don’t mind.
ZEBRA
Okay.
ZEBRA exits.
CHEETAH
Lion, what are you doing?
LION
I am not going to sit here and idly watch the demise of the animal kingdom go by way of
the salad bowl. You are going to eat meat, and you are going to like it. A vegetarian
cheetah, my eye.
ZEBRA returns with HUMAN, who has been
reduced to his skivvies: Boxers and kneehigh socks—with garters.
HUMAN
Oh God. Oh God. I know this is just a nightmare and I’m going to wake up and
everything will be just fine. I’ll get up and Gladys will be in the kitchen…
LION roars.
HUMAN
…aaaaahhh!. (HUMAN continues his mantra under his breath.) It’s just a nightmare. It’s
just a nightmare. It’s just a nightmare. It’s just a nightmare.
CHEETAH
Lion, you’re scaring him.
LION
(To ZEBRA) Okay, when I count three, let it loose. And Cheetah, chase it.
CHEETAH
Here. In the restaurant?
LION
Yes. This is ridiculous. Zebras handing us our food and eating salads. Like we’re
helpless. Just let your instincts take over. You’re a cheetah, the fastest animal on the
A Meating of the Minds Page 10 of 13 planet. Run him down and slaughter him with one swift wipe of your claws. All right,
ready?
ZEBRA
Ready.
CHEETAH
I don’t know about this.
LION
One. Two. Three!
ZEBRA lets go of HUMAN. HUMAN is so
scared he just runs in place.
LION
Chase him!
CHEETAH
He’s not moving? How can I chase him if he’s not moving?
LION
I’ll get him moving.
LION roars. HUMAN runs, chased by
LION. Finally, HUMAN leaps up on the
table.
CHEETAH
(Nonplussed) Well, that was fun. He certainly is nervous.
HUMAN
Now just hold on a minute. I don’t have to stand for this. I’m a human being. At the top
of the food chain.
LION
They do sound like monkeys, don’t they? Maybe there is something to that theory.
HUMAN
My species has tamed rivers. //The oceans. //We’ve landed one of our kind on the moon.
CHEETAH
He’s adorable. //I just want to take him home.
A Meating of the Minds Page 11 of 13 HUMAN
And I am not going to stand here and be threatened by a couple of overgrown, flea-bitten
house cats…
LION
I wonder what he’s going on about. He certainly is an excitable little guy, isn’t he?
HUMAN
(To CHEETAH) Heel.
CHEETAH just smiles back at HUMAN
sweetly.
HUMAN
Heel. Heel, I said!
CHEETAH goes to her chair, but not
because HUMAN commanded her.
HUMAN
Hah! (To LION) Sit.
LION find HUMAN mildly amusing.
HUMAN
Sit. Sit. Sit.
Bored, LION sits in his chair.
HUMAN
Lie down. Roll over. Play dead. Hah. Tames the savage beast.
CHEETAH
You know, he does have kind of an odd smell.
HUMAN
(To CHEETAH) In a minute I’ll have you eating out of my hand.
CHEETAH
And that noise they make. That would get on your nerves after awhile.
HUMAN
(To LION) And you? I’ll put my head in your mouth and you won’t harm a hair on my
head. Because I am top dog around here.
A Meating of the Minds Page 12 of 13 CHEETAH
You know, all of a sudden I’m ravenous.
LION
Are you? Zebra, could you ask your chef to prepare him?
ZEBRA
How would you like him done?
LION
Rare. So rare, he’s still screaming when he’s on my plate.
ZEBRA
Oh, Well…
ZEBRA gestures at HUMAN—Here ya go.
HUMAN lies down on the table—awfully
sure of himself.
HUMAN
Hah, I showed them who’s king of the forest.
CHEETAH
Oh, and could you bring us some cape buffalo wings. I’m famished.
ZEBRA
Mild? Or hot sauce?
CHEETAH
I think we’ll want the hot. Won’t we Lion?
LION
Yes, hot. Definitely hot.
ZEBRA
Very good.
ZEBRA exits.
LION
They certainly are odd little creatures, aren’t they?
CHEETAH
Zebras?
A Meating of the Minds Page 13 of 13 LION
Well, yes. But I was thinking humans.
CHEETAH
Yes. Yes they are odd. But they’re so delicious.
LION and CHEETAH devour HUMAN.
Lights out.