Communicating Diplomatically In Stressful Times
Nine Tongue Fu!® Tips for Dealing with Difficult People –
Without Becoming One Yourself
By Sam Horn, Author and Originator
of the trademarked communication methodology Tongue Fu!®
Would you like to know what to say when you don't know what to say? If
so, you're in the right place. These Tongue Fu!® Tips can help you
communicate more constructively with co-workers, clients, supervisors,
suppliers, friends, family . . and upset strangers!
What is Tongue Fu!® you ask?
It's best defined by an incident that took place while I was flying to New
York for a media tour. I needed to double-check a quote to make sure I
had it correct for the TV show the next morning, so I pulled out my copy of Tongue
Fu!® from my purse (which Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus author John
Gray endorsed with, "Puts a new twist on communication!")
A woman across the aisle from me glanced at the title, grabbed the book out of my
hands, and pronounced, "That looks interesting. Tell me what it's about!"
"Well," I answered, tongue planted firmly in check, "it teaches you how to handle difficult
people without becoming difficult yourself." She chuckled, and said, "Oh, I wish I'd had
that book on the plane before this one. I was seated next to the most obnoxious man. I
could have used your book. I would have HIT him with it."
Copyright, Sam Horn 2009
For permission to reprint contact [email protected]
That is not what Tongue Fu!® is about. If someone is being unfair, unkind or
inappropriate; it's not about HITTING back, GETTING back, getting MAD or getting
EVEN.
It's not about giving people a piece of our mind. It's about giving ourselves peace of
mind by being able to think our feet and respond constructively vs. destructively to
challenging individuals in the moment -- instead of having brain freeze and thinking of
the perfect response on the way home.
Tongue Fu!® Tip 1. When people complain, don't explain; take the AAA train:
Agree, Apologize, and Act. Explanations come across as excuses. We think
explaining why something wasn't done, (especially if there's a legitimate reason) will
help people understand. The opposite is true. Explanations make people angrier
because they feel we're not being accountable. The better way: "You're right, Mrs.
Smith, we were supposed to send that brochure to you last week, and I'm sorry you
didn't receive it yet; and If I could please have your name and address again, I'll
personally put that brochure in an envelope and make sure it goes out today." Voila!
Complaint over.
Tongue Fu!® Tip 2. Has someone accused you of something you didn't do? Don't
defend or deny untrue accusations or you'll end up debating their dubious point.
Instead, put the conversational ball back in their court with, "What do you mean?" or
"Why do you say that?" Asking the person WHY they made an accusation helps reveal
the real issue, and you can address that instead of reacting to their attack.
Imagine an upset client exclaims, "You don't care about your customers." Responding
with "That's not true. We pride ourselves on our quality customer service" makes
matters worse because it creates a yes-you-do, no-we-don't debate. Instead, ask,
Copyright, Sam Horn 2009
For permission to reprint contact [email protected]
"What makes you think that?" The client may harrumph, "I've left three messages and
no one's called back." Now you know what's really bothering that customer; you can
apologize for the delayed response, ask the nature of the message and expedite their
request.
Tongue Fu!® Tip 3. Want to know how to stop blaming and fingerpointing? Don't try to talk over people who are arguing, use this hand
gesture to stop people in their verbal tracks. Why is this a better way to
stop arguments? If people are yelling and you try to talk over them, what
usually happens? They'll talk louder. The voice of reason will get drowned out in the
commotion.
Putting up your hand like a police officer stopping traffic will cause a pause which gives
you a chance to get your verbal foot in the door. Then say these magic words: "We're
here to find solutions, not fault." Remind them that John F. Kennedy said, "Our task is
not to fix the blame for the past; it's to fix the course for the future." If the conversation
starts deteriorating into a gripe session again, make a T with your hands and call timeout, saying "Calling each other names won't help. Instead, let's figure out how we can
set up systems to prevent this from happening again."
Tongue Fu!® Tip 4. Are people swearing at each other? Hold them accountable by
taking notes. Physically (gently) separate them, tell them they'll each get their turn, and
then pull out paper and pen. Suggest, "Start at the beginning and tell me what
happened." Asking them to think back and relate events in chronological order moves
them from an emotional frame of mind to an objective one. They're now reporting
instead of ranting and raving. Furthermore, they have to slow down so you can get
everything they're saying on paper. Once they slow down, they'll calm down. Taking
notes motivates most people to clean up their language because they don't want
documentation of their temper tantrum, cursing or verbal abuse.
Copyright, Sam Horn 2009
For permission to reprint contact [email protected]
Tongue Fu!® Tip 5. Avoid using the phrases "There's nothing" or "There's no way."
When it's not possible to give people what they want, at least give them your concern.
A front desk manager at a hotel in Hawaii asked me, "What can we say when people
grumble about the rain? We're not Mother Nature. There's nothing we can do about the
weather." I told her, "The words 'there's nothing I can do about your problem" come
across as apathetic and like you're brushing off their problem. Guests will feel you don't
care, and they'll get louder and in your face in an effort to make you care.
"Use the words "I wish," I" hope," or "there is something" to let them know you're doing
your best to help. Say, 'I wish I could bring out the sunshine for you. I know you were
looking forward to some beach time' or 'I hope it clears up soon. In case it doesn't,
there's something I can suggest. Here's a list of rainy-day activities so you can make
the most of your visit even if the sun doesn't cooperate."We can't always give people
what they want; we can at least give them our concern.
Tongue Fu!® Tip 6. Are people resisting or resenting your instructions? Perhaps
you're phrasing them as orders with "you'll have to" or "you need to." Do you know
anyone who likes to be ordered around? Neither do I. This is especially important
when dealing with peers, partners and spouses because the words "you'll have to"
cause people to think "You're not the boss of me!" and they'll refuse to take action.
Turn resentment-causing orders into respectful requests. For example, instead of "You
have to turn this in by 3 pm today," say, "Could you please turn this in by 3 pm today?
It's important because we're forwarding this data to headquarters by the end of
business." Instead of "You need to get gas today" say, "Could you please put gas in
the car on your way home; we want a full tank for our drive to the VA Tech game
tomorrow." People will have incentive to cooperate willingly instead of complying
reluctantly because you’re treating them with the courtesy they want and deserve.
Copyright, Sam Horn 2009
For permission to reprint contact [email protected]
Tongue Fu!® Tip 7. Do you have a hot button - something you're thin-skinned
about? Develop a repertoire of Fun Fu! remarks. Erma Bombeck (bless her soul)
said, "If we can laugh at it, we can live with it." Are you sensitive about something?
Perhaps you're losing your hair or carrying around extra pounds. You have a choice:
You can continue to give people the power to push your buttons, or you can come up
with clever, non-combative comebacks so you can give as good as you get.
Want an example? I ran into a very tall man in an airport. The people in front of me were
laughing and pointing at him. I thought, how rude! Then, he got closer and I saw his Tshirt. It read on huge letters: "No, I'm not a basketball player!" On the back of his shirt
were the words, "Are you a jockey?" He told me he used to dread going out of the
house because everyone made smart-aleck remarks. He finally decided if he couldn't
beat 'em, he might as well join 'em.
The tall man said, "I have a drawer full of these shirts at home. My favorite says, 'I'm
6'13 and the weather up here is fine.' Ever since I started wearing these shirts, I've had
fun with my height instead of being frustrated by my height." Become a Fun Fu! black
belt and develop a repertoire of Fun Fu! responses to something you’re sensitive about
so you can lighten up instead of tighten up (and never be tongue-tied again.)
Tongue Fu!® Tip 8: Involved in a disagreement? Get off your
"but." Linguist William Safire was asked, "Is sloppy communication
due to ignorance or apathy?"
Safire answered with a twinkle in his eye, "I don't know and I don't
care." I think we care about how we communicate. What we may not
know is that many of us use a relationship-destroying word that sets us up as
adversaries. That word is but and it anchors conversations in back-and-forth, rightwrong disagreements. How do you feel when someone says, "I hear what you're saying,
Copyright, Sam Horn 2009
For permission to reprint contact [email protected]
but we tried that before and it didn't work?" "You did a good job on that, BUT you forgot
to . . " I'm sorry that happened, BUT it's not our fault."
Imagine the difference when you replace that destructive word but with the constructive
word and:. "I hear what you're saying, and we tried that before and it didn't work out. Do
you have any suggestions on how we could handle it differently this time?" Hear how
the word and lets people know you're listening. It moves conversations forward
because you're acknowledging what the other person is saying instead of discounting it.
Tongue Fu!® Tip 9. Want to know how to turn conflict into cooperation? Get rid
of the phrase "can't because." Imagine a staff member asks, "Can I have my
paycheck early? I'm leaving for vacation on Thursday," and you answer, "Sorry, you
can't because it hasn't been approved by payroll." That's the truth; however, the
employee may get upset because you're rejecting his request. The words can't because
are like a verbal door slamming in his face.
Want good news? You can often approve requests with the words, "Sure, as soon as"
or "yes, right after." Reword your reply to, "Sure you can have your paycheck, as soon
as it's approved by payroll. Why don't we give them a call, explain the circumstances,
and see if there's any way they can speed things up."
A Tongue Fu!® workshop participant told me, "I can't wait to use this
idea at home. My kids see me as a big meanie because they're
constantly asking for permission and I'm always telling them no. Next
time they ask if they can go outside and play with their friends, instead
of telling them, "No you can't because you haven't finished your homework," I'm going to
say, "Sure you can, right after you finish your homework." Instead of seeing me as the
one who's keeping them from what they want, this makes them responsible for getting
what they want. It changes the whole dynamic of our relationship."
Copyright, Sam Horn 2009
For permission to reprint contact [email protected]
Bravo! That's the purpose of these Tongue Fu!® Tips. Our goal is to use pro-active
communication and diplomatic responses so everyone has an incentive to get along.
Are you thinking, "I can see that these would work, but (oops) . . . and I'm afraid I'll go
back to the office all fired up and, two weeks later, everything will be back to the same
old, same old? That's why it's important to keep this handout close by where you can
review it frequently.
Better yet, contact us to request your free Words to Lose – Words to Use magnet you
can post on your office bulletin board, cubicle wall or refrigerator. You've heard the
phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind?” These magnets help you keep these ideas in sight
and in mind so you'll see them throughout the day and be reminded to use them in all
your interactions. Everyone at work and at home, including you, will benefit.
Sam Horn, creator of the trademarked Tongue Fu!®
communication methodology (“Everyone needs this.”
- John Gray, Ph.D.) receives rave reviews from such
clients as Hewlett-Packard, NASA, Fortune 500 Forum
Boeing and National Governors Association for her
presentations that focus on real-life ideas you can use
immediately on and off the job to build better relationships.
Sam selects and certifies certain individuals to give presentations on communication,
leadership, team-building and conflict resolution using her trademarked material. For
more information about Sam’s Tongue Fu® Training Institute, call 1 800 SAM-3455,
email [email protected], or visit http://www.tonguefu.com/certification/
Copyright, Sam Horn 2009
For permission to reprint contact [email protected]
Association
A
i ti off C
Corporate
t Counsel
C
l
San Francisco Bay Area Chapter
Career Development Committee
STRATEGIES FOR MANAGING “PEOPLE STYLES”
& COMMUNICATION HOT-BUTTONS
HOT BUTTONS
IN THIS UNNERVING ECONOMY
Jean Fuller
FULLER COACHING
jean@fullercoaching com 650-366-2800
[email protected],
650 366 2800
June 12, 2009
Fuller Coaching 2009
[email protected]
1
Core Communication Profiles
*Book = People Styles at Work, Bolton
Results
Assess
ANALYTIC
Logical
Thorough
Serious
Systematic
Prudent
AMIABLE
Diplomatic
Supportive
Patient
Loyal
Sincere
Accurate
Fact-Finder
Precise
High Standards
Conscientious
Team Player
Win-Win Approach
Cooperative
Good Listener
Stable
DRIVER
Results Oriented
Problem-Solver
Persistent
Efficient
Conscientious
EXPRESSIVE
Confident
Persuasive
Enthusiastic
Trusting
Optimistic
Decisive
Competitive
Direct
Pragmatic
Independent
Assert
Convincing
Sociable
Inspiring
Loves Stage
Charming
Relationships
*People Styles at Work, Bolton
Fuller Coaching 2009
[email protected]
2
Styles Under Stress
+ Normal Behavior
++ Stress
+++ Major Stress
ANALYTIC
+ Logical
++ Avoidance
+++ Autocratic
DRIVER
+ Assertive
++ Autocratic
+++ Avoiding
AMIABLE
EXPRESSIVE
+ Diplomatic
++ Acquiescing
+++ Attacking
+ Persuasive
++ Attacking
+++ Acquiescing
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3
Your TRANSLATION Plan
ANALYTIC
Do:
+ Offer proof/research
+ Present logically
Don’t:
D
’t
-- Force quick decisions
-- Demand action without logic
AMIABLE
DRIVER
Do:
+ Present in “bullet points”
+ Give options for their decision
with YOUR Recommendation
Don’t:
-- Be afraid to speak up/confront
-- Waste their time (stories)
EXPRESSIVE
Do:
+ Touch base personally
+ Work
W k collaboratively
ll b ti l
Do:
+ Be engaged, summarize in writing
+ Give recognition/allow spotlight
Don’t:
-- Rush or interrupt
-- Confront
Don’t:
-- Overdo details/facts/logic
-- Eliminate creative atmosphere
Fuller Coaching 2009
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4
Your Strategy / 3 MO. Action Plan
1. Assess your
1
o r st
style,
le using
sing book/template
2. Assess key stakeholder styles
3 Practice
3.
P ti translating
t
l ti 1 d
day/week
/
k
(listening & speaking)
4 Observe
4.
Ob
changes
h
and
d iimpactt
5. Ask for feedback selectively
6 Continue
6.
C ti
tto ttranslate
l t in
i ‘‘negotiations
ti ti
mindset’
i d t’
7. Use a buddy /mentor to continue growth
Fuller Coaching 2009
[email protected]
5
Appendix / References
‰Book: People Styles at Work, Bolton
‰YOUR APPENDIX checklist
h kli t
‰Assessment: Success Insights Report (coach)
Fuller Coaching 2009
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6
Disagreements/Tough
g
g Conversations
ANALYTIC
Do:
+ Pre-meeting planning
+ Frame, allow think time
+ Determine criteria for mindset
+ Create decision process buyin
+ Scenario Plan
+ Alternatives
AMIABLE
Do:
+ Understand personal agenda
+ Consider
C
id ffeelings
li
& llogic
i
+ Create options for value
+ Frame, allow think time
+ Consider tribe impact,
p , stories
+ Plan solution in dialogue
Fuller Coaching 2009
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DRIVER
Do:
+ Be results oriented
+ Net questioning to understand
+ Determine shared g
goal
+ Show intention and action
+ Impact results profile
+ Alternatives
EXPRESSIVE
Do:
+ Understand reputation impact
+ Create new options for value
+ Ensure solution is fair & visible
+ Collateral damage
+ Trade up/over
up/over, manage attention
+ Flares/Forgetting
7
Key Stakeholder Style Profile MAP
(sample GC, CEO, CFO, etc.)
Results
ANALYTIC
SB
DRIVER
CF
JE
Assess
MR
YP
Act
OP
BK
AMIABLE
EXPRESSIVE
Relationships
©Fuller Coaching 2006
8
Notes
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
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Fuller Coaching 2009
[email protected]
9