TABLE MANNERS IN
MEXICO CITY
A One-Act Play by William Ivor Fowkes
William Ivor Fowkes
130 West 67th St., #1C
New York, NY 10023
917-689-4260
[email protected]
www.williamivorfowkes.com
Table Manners in Mexico City
2
TABLE MANNERS IN MEXICO CITY
A One-Act Play by William Ivor Fowkes
CHARACTERS: PHIL SAMPSON: Age 50s. A harried lawyer. Married to Cissy.
CISSY SAMPSON: Age 50s. A sweet but gently bossy woman.
Married to Phil.
MARCIA: Age 30s. Attractive, professional, and good with people.
WAITER: Either gender. Any age.
SETTING:
A restaurant in Mexico City.
TIME:
A summer evening.
SYNOPSIS:
Tourist Phil Sampson is annoyed that his wife has invited a third
person to join them at dinner one night in Mexico City until the
attractive young woman shows up.
Table Manners in Mexico City
3
Scene: A summer evening in a restaurant in Mexico City. Phil and Cissy Sampson have
just been seated at a table with three chairs and three menus. Cissy sits in the middle seat,
between Phil’s chair and the empty chair.
CISSY
(looking around)
Look at this décor! It’s like one of those new places south of Market.
PHIL
So we came all the way to Mexico City to see something we could have seen back home?
CISSY
You wanted to come on this trip.
PHIL
I’m just tired. Why didn’t you let me hire a car and driver?
CISSY
It’s better to try to blend in. And the doctor said you should walk more anyway.
PHIL
But why’d we have to come out tonight?
CISSY
I told you—we’re meeting that nice woman from the hotel.
PHIL
I don’t want to meet anyone!
CISSY
You’ll like her—trust me.
PHIL
Why should I trust you? You told me it was a short walk to the Anthropology Museum.
CISSY
You just don’t realize how out of shape you are!
PHIL
(annoyed)
You’re really putting me in a great mood to meet this woman!
CISSY
(after a pause—hurt)
Table Manners in Mexico City
4
I’m trying my best, Phil. This whole trip was for you. I thought you’d like it.
PHIL
(sympathetically)
I’m sorry—you’re right. I guess I’m just in a bad mood. I’ll try to rally.
CISSY
Thank you, darling. Wait, there she is!
Cissy gets up and waves.
CISSY
Yoo-hoo! Marcia! Over here!
Marcia enters and approaches the table.
MARCIA
Hi! Sorry I’m late, Mrs. Sampson.
They kiss hello.
CISSY
Please, call me Cissy! And this is my husband, Phil.
Marcia reaches out to shake his hand.
MARCIA
Nice to meet you, Phil.
PHIL
(shaking her hand
indifferently)
Nice to meet you.
Phil looks at her and warms up to her as he
realizes she’s young and attractive.
PHIL
Oh…VERY nice to meet you, Marcia. … Here, allow me.
He stands up, pulls out the chair for her and
helps her get seated.
CISSY
Thank you for recommending this place. I was just telling Phil I think it’s as nice as
anything you’d find back in San Francisco.
Table Manners in Mexico City
5
MARCIA
People don’t realize how cosmopolitan Mexico City is.
PHIL
Exactly. I had no idea.
MARCIA
Well, I can tell you this—I travel a lot on my job, and Mexico City is one of the world’s
great culinary destinations.
CISSY
(to Phil)
Marcia travels a lot.
PHIL
Yes, I heard her. What do you do?
MARCIA
I work for Amazon.
CISSY
Oh, I buy everything from them!
MARCIA
I’m in Affiliate Relations.
PHIL
Affiliate Relations—that means you must be very good with people. Cissy led me to
believe you were some sort of sad sack who didn’t have any friends.
CISSY
He’s just a little grouchy because he didn’t want to come out this evening.
MARCIA
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to force myself on you.
CISSY
Nonsense—I’m the one who invited you.
MARCIA
But I understand perfectly if your husband would rather…
PHIL
Not at all. Now that I’ve met you and seen that you don’t have two heads… I mean
you’re very attractive.
Table Manners in Mexico City
6
MARCIA
Thank you…but how do you know I don’t keep the other one in my purse?
CISSY
The other what?
PHIL
Head—she means her other head. Very funny!
CISSY
Oh…!
Cissy laughs belatedly.
PHIL
I bet a sense of humor is very important in Affiliate Relations. Now what does that mean
exactly? With whom do you have relations?
MARCIA
The vendors. The companies whose products we sell. A lot of the time, we’re really just a
middleman.
PHIL
(flirtatiously)
Or middle WOMAN in your case. So your job is to wine and dine these vendors?
MARCIA
No, it’s more complicated than that.
CISSY
Phil has a bad habit of oversimplifying things.
PHIL
(deadpan)
Ignore her.
MARCIA
I mean, first we have to find the vendors. Then we have to negotiate a deal…and so on.
PHIL
Sounds fascinating.
CISSY
Um… Shouldn’t we order something? How about drinks to start?
Table Manners in Mexico City
MARCIA
Sure—I think I’m in a beer mood tonight.
PHIL
That sounds great! I’ll have a beer, too.
CISSY
Well, all right—let’s make it three beers, then!
PHIL
You don’t drink beer. Okay—suit yourself. Don’t blame me when you start coughing.
(to Marcia)
She’s allergic.
MARCIA
To beer? Oh, poor thing!
CISSY
(calling out suddenly)
Señor! [or Señorita, if a woman]
The waiter enters.
CISSY
(in a poor accent)
Quiero tres cervezas, por favor.
WAITER
Got it—that’s three beers. Is Dos Equis okay?
CISSY
Oh, you speak…? That’ll be fine.
The waiter exits.
CISSY
Who knew? Now where were we?
PHIL
I was just admiring our friend for having such a fascinating job.
MARCIA
It’s not like Law. Your wife says you’re a lawyer.
CISSY
(proudly)
7
Table Manners in Mexico City
8
He was the youngest lawyer ever to make partner at his firm.
MARCIA
What kind of law do you practice?
PHIL
Environmental law.
MARCIA
Oh, I think it’s great that you’re out there fighting the corporations that don’t care how
much they pollute the earth just so long as they make a lousy buck!
PHIL
Um… before you get the wrong idea and think I deserve a Nobel Prize, I better explain
that I work for some of those corporations you think are polluting the earth.
MARCIA
You said you practice environmental law.
PHIL
Right. I defend companies against frivolous environmental lawsuits.
MARCIA
(outraged)
How can you defend them?
PHIL
Everyone’s entitled to a proper defense.
CISSY
(interrupting)
Maybe we should change the topic. Why don’t you two study the menu and figure out
what you’d like to order. I need to run to the ladies’ room for a minute.
She gets up.
CISSY
(joking)
And when I get back, I want to see that you’ve made up and become friends again.
(to Phil in a stage
whisper)
Be nice!
Cissy exits.
PHIL
Table Manners in Mexico City
9
I apologize for my wife. She likes to orchestrate things. She decided you needed
company.
MARCIA
That’s very sweet.
PHIL
Yes, she can be very…
Phil moves over and takes Cissy’s seat,
closer to Marcia.
PHIL
Listen, you’re not really upset by what I do for a living, are you?
MARCIA
Not really. I just got the wrong idea. Then once I opened my mouth, I guess I felt I had to
stick to what I said.
PHIL
It sounds like my job. Once I agree to take a client’s case, I have to stick with their point
of view, whether I agree with it or not.
MARCIA
I’m glad we agree on something.
PHIL
(flirtatiously)
Oh, I bet we’ll discover we agree on a lot of things.
MARCIA
(uncomfortable)
Um… Hadn’t we better study the menu?
PHIL
Oh, sure… uh… Why don’t you recommend something?
MARCIA
(studying the menu)
Okay…how about… Oh, here we go—Huachinango al la Veracruzana.
PHIL
(making a bad joke)
I beg your pardon!
MARCIA
Table Manners in Mexico City
10
Red snapper—it’s very good here. Done up in a tomato sauce with olives and oregano.
Very light. Perfect for this time of year.
PHIL
Sold!
Phil puts down his menu.
PHIL
So…how does your husband stand it with you traveling all the time?
MARCIA
Oh, I’m not married.
PHIL
Your boyfriend, then.
MARCIA
I’m not involved with anyone at the moment. But I have lots of friends.
PHIL
I bet you do. Guys must be propositioning you all the time.
MARCIA
I know how to handle myself.
PHIL
You’re fascinating!
MARCIA
You think so?
PHIL
Yes, I do. … Hey, you obviously know your way around Mexico City. What’s a fun
place to take a date? Some place authentic.
MARCIA
(thinking aloud)
Some place authentic.
(to Phil)
I know a cantina in Centro Histórico that’s lots of fun—if you don’t mind something a
little rough around the edges.
PHIL
Sounds wonderful. When shall we go?
Table Manners in Mexico City
11
MARCIA
WE?
PHIL
Sure! How about later tonight?
MARCIA
What about your wife?
PHIL
We’ve got a trip to the pyramids tomorrow—she needs a good night’s sleep.
MARCIA
(suspiciously)
So, she’d be okay with your going without her?
PHIL
Maybe she doesn’t need to know. She falls asleep quickly. She’d never know if I snuck
out for an hour or two.
MARCIA
I don’t know if that’s a good idea.
PHIL
Look, I’d like to get to know you better, that’s all. Do you like to dance?
MARCIA
Yes, I do, but I’m not sure about this...
PHIL
I don’t want to pressure you.
He hands her his card.
PHIL
Look—here’s my cell phone number. Call me—or, better yet, text me. I’ll meet you
there.
MARCIA
(very unsure)
I don’t know…
PHIL
(insisting)
C’mon, please! What do you say?
Table Manners in Mexico City
12
MARCIA
(hesitantly)
Well…maybe.
PHIL
Oh, that’s sounding very hopeful! Let’s just push that maybe up to a yes.
Cissy returns
CISSY
It looks like you two are friends again. I’m so relieved.
Phil stands up abruptly, like a guilty child,
and then maneuvers Cissy into his original
chair.
CISSY
Have you decided what you want?
PHIL
Yes. Marcia was a great help.
CISSY
(pointedly)
That’s good, because lord knows you need it.
The waiter arrives with the beers.
WAITER
Here we go—tres cervezas.
The waiter hands out the beers.
CISSY
(joking)
So you DO speak Spanish!
PHIL
We’re ready to order!
WAITER
Very good, sir.
CISSY
What’s the hurry? Let’s enjoy our beers.
Table Manners in Mexico City
13
PHIL
You told us to figure out what we wanted.
CISSY
Oh, very well—I’ll start. … Quiero… I’ll have the tamales.
WAITER
Very good, Señora.
MARCIA
I’ll have the huachinango al la veracruzana—and the feta quesadillas to begin.
PHIL
And I’ll have the same as the young lady.
CISSY
What’s that?
MARCIA
Red snapper.
WAITER
It’s our specialty!
CISSY
(reconsidering)
Then maybe I should… No, I’m fine.
WAITER
Very good, Señora.
The waiter starts to walk away.
PHIL
Oh, and Señor [or Señorita]! Would you please bring us the check with our food? We’re
in a bit of a hurry.
WAITER
As you wish.
The waiter exits.
CISSY
Why are we in a hurry? What if we want dessert?
PHIL
Table Manners in Mexico City
14
We’ve got to get up early for the pyramids.
CISSY
Maybe Marcia will want to linger over coffee.
MARCIA
I can make it a short evening, if that’s what everyone wants.
CISSY
I don’t know how I ended up with such a tired old man for a husband.
PHIL
I just think we should be in good shape tomorrow if we’re going to go traipsing all over
—where is it we’re going again?
CISSY
(struggling)
TAY-OH-TEE-whatzit….
MARCIA
Oh—Teotihuacán! That will be the highlight of your trip! But there IS a lot of walking.
And we’re at a much higher altitude than you’re used to. You have to take things easy.
PHIL
I’m not an old man—she was joking! I’m strong as an ox!
(to Cissy)
And we can sleep in the car.
CISSY
Okay, okay! Maybe we can skip dessert. I’ll think about it. Now, can we please change
the subject—again?
PHIL
I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you ladies choose an acceptable topic while I go to the
men’s room?
(imitating his wife)
And when I get back, I want to see that you’ve made up and become friends again. …
Just kidding!
He exits.
CISSY
Honestly! Sometimes…! He’s a kook.
MARCIA
He’s very nice.
Table Manners in Mexico City
15
CISSY
For a kook!
MARCIA
But you love him, right?
CISSY
Of course I love him. He’s a lovable kook. He’s a wonderful father. A good husband,
most of the time. We’ve been married for almost 20 years, and sometimes it feels even
longer.
Cissy moves closer to Marcia, reclaiming
her original seat.
CISSY
Believe me, when you get married, you’ll see…
MARCIA
You’re lucky you’ve found someone you’re happy with.
CISSY
Yes, I am. But mind you, I never pretend we have a perfect marriage.
MARCIA
I bet there’s no such thing.
CISSY
Exactly!
(in a new, more knowing
tone of voice)
And I’m not blind. What were you two talking about while I was in the ladies’ room?
You mind my asking?
MARCIA
No, I don’t mind. Gee—let me think. Nothing that special.
CISSY
Did he make a pass at you? I’d expect him to make a pass at you.
MARCIA
Well, okay, he did sort of suggest he’d like to spend some time with me.
CISSY
And how did you react?
Table Manners in Mexico City
16
MARCIA
I was non-committal.
CISSY
(disappointed)
Oh. You mean you’re not attracted to him?
MARCIA
Well, uh. He’s a very attractive man. Very charming.
CISSY
But if he weren’t married, if he were available, would you be interested in him?
MARCIA
(joking)
Are you trying to pawn him off on me?
CISSY
I just want you to be honest with me. Is there a spark there—between the two of you?
MARCIA
I don’t know what you’re…
CISSY
Just tell me!
MARCIA
Okay—yes. He DID make a pass at me. He wants to take me dancing.
(handing Phil’s card
to Cissy)
Tonight—while you’re sleeping, in fact. Okay—there it is!
CISSY
(relieved—studying the
card)
Oh, that’s good. … Just do me a favor, please. If you like him at all—let him take you
dancing tonight. Let him do whatever he wants with you.
MARCIA
But…
CISSY
He’s very good company. It’ll do him a world of good—maybe you, too.
MARCIA
But…
Table Manners in Mexico City
17
Cissy tries to hand the card back to Marcia.
CISSY
Please—do this for me! You’re not married; you don’t know what it’s like. He needs his
little adventures. And sometimes I can really use the break. So, what do you say?
MARCIA
I don’t know.
Marcia accepts the card.
MARCIA
I’ll think about it.
CISSY
That’s all I ask. Now here he comes, so we never had this conversation, right?
Phil enters.
CISSY
Do you feel better, dear?
PHIL
I always feel better afterwards. You know me too well.
CISSY
Yes, I do.
Phil takes his seat.
PHIL
So, what have you two ladies been talking about while I was away? Me, I hope?
CISSY
Men are so self-centered, aren’t they? No, dear, Marcia and I have NOT been talking
about you, but we HAVE made a decision.
PHIL
Oh?
CISSY
We’ve decided we’re NOT going to have dessert after all.
END OF PLAY