Mary Fisher lives in a High Tower, on the edge of the sea: she
writes a great deal about the nature oflove. She tells lies.
Mary Fisher is forty-three, and accustomed to love. There
has always been a man around to love her, sometimes quite
desperately, and she has on occasion returned this love, but
never, I think, with desperation. She is a writer of romantic
fiction. She tells lies to herself, and to the world.
Mary Fisher has $ (US) 754,300 on deposit in a bank in
Cyprus, where the tax laws are lax. This is the equivalent of
£502,867 sterling, 1,931,009 Deutschmark, 1,599,117 Swiss
francs, 185,055,050 yen and so forth, it hardly matters which.
A woman's life is what it is, in any corner of the world. And
wherever you go it is the same - to those who hath, such as
M a r y Fisher, shall be given, and to those who hath not, such
as myself, even that which they have shall be taken away.
M a r y Fisher earned all her money herself. Her first husband,
J o n a h , told her that capitalism was immoral, and she believed
him, having a gentle and pliable nature. Otherwise no doubt
by now Mary Fisher would have a substantial portfolio of
investments. As it is, she owns four houses and these are
cumulatively worth - depending on the state of the property
market - anything between half a million and a million
dollars. A house, of course, only means anything in financial
terms if there is anyone to buy it, or if you can bear to sell it.
Otherwise a house can only be somewhere to live, or somewhere where those connected with you can live. With luck,
5
M a r y Fisher is loved by my husband, who is her accountant.
I love my husband and I hate Mary Fisher.
6
Now. Outside the world turns: tides surge up the cliffs at the
foot of Mary Fisher's tower, and fall again. In Australia the
great gum trees weep their bark away; in Calcutta a myriad
flickers of human energy ignite and flare and die; in California
the surfers weld their souls with foam and flutter off into
eternity; in the great cities of the world groups of dissidents
form their gaunt nexi of discontent and send the roots of
change through the black soil of our earthly existence. And I
am fixed here and now, trapped in my body, pinned to one
particular spot, hating Mary Fisher. It is all I can do. Hate
obsesses and transforms me: it is my singular attribution. I
have only recently discovered it.
Better to hate than to grieve. I sing in praise of hate, and all
its attendant energy. I sing a hymn to the death of love.
If you travel inland from Mary Fisher's tower, down its
sweep of gravelled drive (the gardener is paid $110 a week,
which is low in any currency), through the windswept avenue
of sadly blighted poplars (perhaps this is his revenge), then
off her property and on to the main road and through the
rolling western hills, and down to the great wheat plain, and
on and on for a hundred kilometres or so, you come to the
suburbs and the house where I live: to the little green garden
where my and Bobbo's children play. There are a thousand
more or less similar houses, to the east, north, west and
south: we are in the middle, exactly in the middle, of a place
called Eden Grove. A suburb. Neither town nor country:
intermediate. Green, leafy, prosperous and, some say,
7
b e a u t i f u l . I g r a n t y o u it is a b e t t e r p l a c e t o live t h a n a s t r e e t in
downtown Bombay.
1 k n o w h o w c e n t r a l I a m in t h i s c e n t r e l e s s p l a c e b e c a u s e I
s p e n d a lot of t i m e with m a p s . I need to know the geographical
detail of m i s f o r t u n e . T h e distance b e t w e e n m y house and
M a r y F i s h e r ' s t o w e r is o n e h u n d r e d a n d e i g h t k i l o m e t r e s , o r
sixty-seven miles.
T h e d i s t a n c e b e t w e e n m y h o u s e a n d t h e s t a t i o n is o n e a n d a
q u a r t e r k i l o m e t r e s , a n d f r o m m y h o u s e t o t h e s h o p s is 6 6 0
m e t r e s . U n l i k e the m a j o r i t y of m y n e i g h b o u r s I d o not drive a
c a r . I a m l e s s well c o - o r d i n a t e d t h a n t h e y . I h a v e failed f o u r
d r i v i n g t e s t s . I m i g h t a s well w a l k , I s a y , s i n c e t h e r e is so little
else to d o , o n c e you h a v e swept the corners a n d polished the
surfaces, in this place, w h i c h was p l a n n e d as paradise. H o w
w o n d e r f u l , I s a y , a n d t h e y b e l i e v e m e , t o stroll t h r o u g h
heaven.
B o b b o a n d I live a t N o . 19 N i g h t b i r d D r i v e . It is a select
s t r e e t in t h e b e s t p a r t o f E d e n G r o v e . T h e h o u s e is very n e w :
w e a r e its first o c c u p a n t s . It is c l e a n of r e s o n a n c e . B o b b o a n d
I h a v e t w o b a t h r o o m s , a n d p i c t u r e w i n d o w s , a n d w e w a i t for
t h e t r e e s t o g r o w : p r e s e n t l y , y o u s e e , w e will e v e n h a v e
privacy.
E d e n G r o v e is a f r i e n d l y p l a c e . M y n e i g h b o u r s a n d I give
d i n n e r p a r t i e s for o n e a n o t h e r . W e d i s c u s s t h i n g s , r a t h e r
t h a n ideas; w e e x c h a n g e information, not theories; we keep
o u r s e l v e s s t e a d y by t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h e p a r t i c u l a r . The g e n e r a l
is f r i g h t e n i n g . G o t o o f a r i n t o t h e p a s t a n d t h e r e is n o n existence, too far into the f u t u r e a n d t h e r e you find the s a m e .
T h e p r e s e n t m u s t be exactly balanced. T h e s e days spare ribs
a r e s e r v e d , C h i n e s e style, d a r i n g l y , w i t h p a p e r n a p k i n s a n d
finger b o w l s . It s m a c k s o f c h a n g e . T h e m e n n o d a n d l a u g h :
the w o m e n t r e m b l e a n d smile a n d d r o p dishes.
II is a g o o d life. B u b l j o tells m e so. H e crimes h o m e less o f t e n ,
so d o e s not say so as often as he did.
H
D o e s M a r y F i s h e r love m y h u s b a n d ? D o e s s h e r e t u r n his
love? D o e s s h e look i n t o h i s eyes, a n d s p e a k t o h i m w i t h o u t
words?
I w a s t a k e n t o visit h e r o n c e , a n d s t u m b l e d o v e r t h e c a r p e t - a
t r u e K a s h m i r i r u g valued at $ 2 , 5 4 0 - as I a p p r o a c h e d her. I
a m s i x f o o t t w o i n c h e s tall, w h i c h is fine for a m a n b u t n o t for
a w o m a n . I a m a s d a r k a s M a r y F i s h e r is f a i r , a n d h a v e o n e of
t h o s e j u t t i n g j a w s w h i c h tall, d a r k w o m e n o f t e n h a v e , a n d
e y e s s u n k r a t h e r f a r b a c k i n t o m y f a c e , a n d a h o o k e d nose.
M y shoulders are broad a n d bony and my hips broad and
fleshy, a n d t h e m u s c l e s in m y legs a r e well d e v e l o p e d . M y
a r m s , I s w e a r , a r e t o o s h o r t for m y b o d y . M y n a t u r e a n d m y
l o o k s d o n o t a g r e e . I w a s u n l u c k y , y o u m i g h t t h i n k , in t h e
g r e a t L u c k y D i p t h a t is w o m a n ' s life.
W h e n I t r i p p e d over the r u g M a r y Fisher smirked, a n d I saw
h e r e y e s d a r t t o B o b b o ' s , a s if t h i s w e r e a s c e n e t h e y h a d
already envisaged.
'Tell m e a b o u t y o u r wife,' she w o u l d h a v e m u r m u r e d , after
love.
' C l u m s y , ' h e w o u l d h a v e s a i d . H e m i g h t h a v e a d d e d , if I w a s
lucky, ' N o beauty, but a good soul.' Yes I think he would
h a v e s a i d t h a t , if o n l y to e x c u s e h i m s e l f a n d d e n y m e . A m a n
c a n n o t b e expected to be faithful to a w o n d e r f u l m o t h e r a n d a
g o o d w i f e - s u c h c o n c e p t s lack t h e c o m p u l s i o n of t h e erotic.
W o u l d h e a l s o h a v e r e m a r k e d , in g u i l t y a n d e x c i t e d m i r t h ,
' S h e h a s f o u r m o l e s o n h e r c h i n a n d f r o m t h r e e of t h e m h a i r s
grow"? I i m a g i n e so; w h o c o u l d resist it, g i g g l i n g a n d s q u e a l i n g
a n d t i c k l i n g in b e d , a f t e r love, a s s e s s i n g life?
I a m q u i t e s u r e a t s o m e t i m e o r o t h e r B o b b o w o u l d h a v e said,
in t h e m a n n e r o f h u s b a n d s , '1 love h e r . I love h e r b u t I ' m not
m l o v e w i t h h e r : n o t tin- w a y I ' m in l o v e w i t h y o u . D o you
understand?" A n d Man, Fisher would have nodded, unders t a n d i n g v e r y well.
I k n o w w h a t life is like: I k n o w w h a t p e o p l e a r e like. I k n o w
t h a t w e a l l m a k e c o m m o n c a u s e in s e l f - d e c e p t i o n a n d w i s h f u l
t h i n k i n g , a n d w h o m o r e s o t h a n a d u l t e r o u s lovers? I h a v e
t i m e t o t h i n k a b o u t it, w h e n t h e d i s h e s a r e d o n e , a n d t h e
h o u s e is q u i e t , a n d life t i c k s b y , a n d t h e r e is n o t h i n g t o d o
except w o n d e r w h e t h e r B o b b o a n d M a r y Fisher are together
now, now — h o w s t r a n g e t i m e s e e m s ! A n d I t h i n k a n d t h i n k
a n d I a c t e a c h role, s o m e t i m e s h i m , s o m e t i m e s h e r . I t m a k e s
m e feel p a r t o f t h e w h o l e b o t h m a k e . I , w h o h a v e b e e n m a d e
n o t h i n g . A n d t h e n B o b b o rings a n d says he w o n ' t be home,
a n d the c h i l d r e n come back from school, a n d a strange
f a m i l i a r silence d e s c e n d s u p o n the house, a thick, white
m u f f l i n g b l a n k e t t h r o w n o v e r o u r lives: a n d e v e n w h e n t h e
c a t c a t c h e s a m o u s e , the yowls a n d yelps seem to c o m e from a
distant place, another world.
B o b b o is a g o o d - l o o k i n g m a n , a n d I a m l u c k y to h a v e h i m .
T h e n e i g h b o u r s o f t e n r e m a r k u p o n it. ' Y o u a r e s o l u c k y ,
h a v i n g s o m e o n e like B o b b o . ' N o t s u r p r i s i n g , t h e i r eyes g o o n
t o s a y , t h a t h e ' s a w a y e v e r y n o w a n d t h e n . B o b b o is five foot
t e n , f o u r i n c h e s s h o r t e r t h a n I a m . H e is six i n c h e s t a l l e r t h a n
M a r y F i s h e r , w h o h a s S i z e 3 feet a n d l a s t y e a r s p e n t $ 1 , 2 0 0 . 5 0
o n s h o e s . I n b e d w i t h m e , all t h e s a m e , B o b b o h a s n o p o t e n c y
p r o b l e m s . H e s h u t s h i s e y e s . F o r all I k n o w h e s h u t s h i s e y e s
w h e n h e ' s in b e d w i t h h e r , b u t I d o n ' t r e a l l y t h i n k so. I t ' s n o t
h o w I e n v i s a g e it.
W h a t I t h i n k is t h a t t h e o t h e r w o m e n u p a n d d o w n E d e n
G r o v e a r e b e t t e r t h a n I a m a t t e l l i n g t h e m s e l v e s lies. T h e i r
o w n h u s b a n d s a r e a w a y often enough. H o w otherwise but by
lies d o t h e y live, d o t h e y k e e p t h e i r s e l f - e s t e e m ? S o m e t i m e s ,
o f c o u r s e , n o t e v e n lies c a n p r o t e c t t h e m . T h e y a r e f o u n d
h a n g i n g in t h e g a r a g e , o r c o l d a n d o v e r d o s e d in t h e m a r i t a l
b e d . L o v e h a s killed t h e m , m u r d e r o u s in its o w n d e a t h
t h r o e s , flailing a n d b i t i n g a n d p o i s o n o u s .
A n d h o w , especially, d o ugly w o m e n survive, those w h o m the
w o r l d p i t i e s ? T h e d o g s , a s t h e y call us. I'll tell y o u ; t h e y live
a s I d o , o u t f a c i n g t r u t h , h a r d e n i n g the skin against p e r p e t u a l
io
h u m i l i a t i o n , u n t i l it's a s t o u g h a n d cold as a c r o c o d i l e ' s . A n d
w e w a i t for o l d a g e t o e q u a l i s e all t h i n g s . W e m a k e g o o d old
women.
M y m o t h e r w a s pretty e n o u g h , a n d a s h a m e d of m e . I could
see it in h e r e y e s . I w a s h e r e l d e s t c h i l d . ' T h e i m a g e of y o u r
f a t h e r , ' s h e ' d s a y . S h e ' d m a r r i e d a g a i n , of c o u r s e , b y t h e n .
S h e ' d l e f t m y f a t h e r long a g o , f a r b e h i n d , d e s p i s e d . M y t w o
h a l f - s i s t e r s b o t h took a f t e r h e r ; t h e y w e r e d e l i c a t e ,
fine-boned
t h i n g s . I liked t h e m . T h e y k n e w h o w t o c h a r m , a n d t h e y
c h a r m e d e v e n m e . ' L i t t l e u g l y d u c k l i n g , ' m y m o t h e r s a i d to
m e once, almost weeping, smoothing m y wiry hair. ' W h a t
a r e w e to d o w i t h you? W h a t ' s to b e c o m e of you?' I think
p e r h a p s s h e w o u l d h a v e l o v e d m e , if s h e c o u l d . B u t u g l y a n d
d i s c o r d a n t t h i n g s r e v o l t e d h e r : s h e c o u l d n ' t h e l p it. S h e said
a s m u c h o f t e n e n o u g h : n o t o f m e , p a r t i c u l a r l y , of c o u r s e , b u t
I k n e w t h e p a t t e r n s of h e r t h o u g h t , I k n e w w h a t s h e m e a n t . I
w a s b o r n , I s o m e t i m e s t h i n k , w i t h n e r v e e n d i n g s n o t inside
b u t o u t s i d e m y skin: they shivered a n d t w a n g e d . I grew
l u m p i s h a n d b r u t i s h in t h e a t t e m p t to seal t h e m o v e r , n o t to
know too much.
A n d I c o u l d n e v e r , y o u see, e v e n for m y m o t h e r ' s s a k e , l e a r n
j u s t t o s m i l e a n d s t a y q u i e t . M y m i n d s t r u c k keys like a p i a n o
d r e a d f u l l y o u t of tune, r a n d o m l y played, never quiet. She
c h r i s t e n e d m e R u t h , w a n t i n g , I t h i n k , e v e n in m y first d a y s ,
t o f o r g e t m e if s h e c o u l d . A s h o r t , d i s m i s s i v e , s o r r o w f u l n a m e .
M y little half-sisters w e r e called J o c e l y n a n d M i r a n d a . T h e y
m a r r i e d well, a n d d i s a p p e a r e d , n o d o u b t into c o n t e n t m e n t ,
b a t h e d in t h e g l o w of t h e w o r l d ' s a d m i r a t i o n .
3
M a r y F i s h e r , d w e l l e r in t h e H i g h T o w e r ! W h a t ' s for d i n n e r
t o n i g h t ? P e r h a p s y o u d o n ' t e v e n k n o w . P e r h a p s y o u leave
t h a t t o t h e s e r v a n t s . A n d w h o ' s for c o m p a n y ? P e r h a p s y o u
h a v e y e t m o r e lovers t o c h o o s e f r o m : t o g a z e o u t w i t h y o u ,
t h r o u g h plate-glass w i n d o w s , over h a r b o u r a n d sea; to watch
t h e m o o n rise a n d the sky t u r n colour? P e r h a p s you never eat,
b u t w i t h a m i n d h a l f o n f o o d , a n d h a l f o n love to c o m e ? L u c k y
y o u ! B u t t o n i g h t , w h o e v e r else, y o u s h a n ' t h a v e B o b b o .
T o n i g h t B o b b o is e a t i n g w i t h m e .
I shall o p e n
the garden;
very pretty
garage. W e
t h e F r e n c h w i n d o w s f r o m t h e d i n i n g r o o m o n to
t h a t is, if t h e w i n d d o e s n ' t g e t u p . W e h a v e s o m e
n i g h t - s c e n t e d stock g r o w i n g u p t h e s i d e of t h e
have double-glazing.
T h e bill f o r k e e p i n g M a r y F i s h e r ' s w i n d o w s c l e a n w a s
$ 2 9 5 . 7 5 , o n l y last m o n t h . T h e s u m w a s t r a n s f e r r e d f r o m t h e
b a n k in C y p r u s i n t o M a r y F i s h e r ' s h o u s e k e e p i n g a c c o u n t .
B o b b o , o n t h e o c c a s i o n s h e is h o m e , o f t e n b r i n g s MaryFisher's a c c o u n t s with him. I don't sleep m u c h on the nights
h e is w i t h m e : I get o u t o f b e d , q u i e t l y , a n d g o i n t o his s t u d y
a n d look t h r o u g h M a r y F i s h e r ' s life. B o b b o s l e e p s s o u n d l y .
H e c o m e s h o m e to rest, really. T o c a t c h u p o n lost s l e e p .
I c l e a n o u r w i n d o w s m y s e l f : s o m e t i m e s to b e tall is q u i t e a n
advantage.
T o n i g h t , a t N o . 19 N i g h t b i r d D r i v e , w e ' r e g o i n g to h a v e
m u s h r o o m soup, chicken vol-au-vents a n d chocolate mousse.
12
B o b b o ' s p a r e n t s a r e c o m i n g t o visit. H e d o e s n o t w a n t t o
u p s e t t h e m , s o h e will p l a y t h e q u i e t s u b u r b a n h u s b a n d a n d
sit, f o r o n c e , a t t h e h e a d o f t h e t a b l e . H e will look o u t o n t o
w a l l f l o w e r s a n d h o l l y h o c k s a n d v i n e s . I like g a r d e n i n g . I like
to c o n t r o l n a t u r e , a n d m a k e things beautiful.
B o b b o is d o i n g v e r y well in t h e w o r l d . H e h a s b e c o m e
s u c c e s s f u l . O n c e h e w o r k e d h u m b l y a s a n official in t h e
R e v e n u e D e p a r t m e n t b u t then he resigned, threw caution to
t h e w i n d s , risked h i s p e n s i o n a n d b e g a n t o d o p r i v a t e t a x
w o r k . N o w h e e a r n s a g r e a t d e a l of m o n e y . It s u i t s h i m t o
k e e p m e t u c k e d a w a y in E d e n G r o v e . B o b b o h a s a p l e a s a n t
a p a r t m e n t in t h e c e n t r e o f t h e city, fifteen k i l o m e t r e s f u r t h e r
still t o t h e e a s t , fifteen k i l o m e t r e s f u r t h e r f r o m M a r y F i s h e r ,
w h e r e h e g i v e s o c c a s i o n a l p a r t i e s for h i s c l i e n t s , w h e r e h e first
m e t M a r y F i s h e r f a c e to f a c e , w h e r e h e s t a y s o v e r n i g h t w h e n
b u s i n e s s p r e s s e s . S o h e s a y s . I very s e l d o m g o t o B o b b o ' s
a p a r t m e n t , o r h i s office. I let it b e k n o w n I a m t o o b u s y . I t
w o u l d b e e m b a r r a s s i n g t o B o b b o if h i s s m a r t n e w c l i e n t s s a w
m e . W e b o t h k n o w it. B o b b o ' s g r a c e l e s s wife! All v e r y well, I
d a r e s a y , f o r a n i n c o m e - t a x c o l l e c t o r ; h a r d l y for a t a x e x p e r t
w o r k i n g in t h e p r i v a t e field, g r o w i n g r i c h .
M a r y Fisher, I h o p e t h a t tonight you are eating tinned red
s a l m o n a n d t h e tin h a s b l o w n a n d y o u g e t b o t u l i n p o i s o n i n g .
B u t s u c h h o p e is in v a i n . M a r y F i s h e r e a t s f r e s h s a l m o n , a n d
in a n y c a s e h e r d e l i c a t e p a l a t e c o u l d b e t r u s t e d to d e t e c t
p o i s o n , n o m a t t e r h o w u n d e t e c t a b l e it m i g h t b e in o t h e r ,
c r u d e r m o u t h s . H o w d e l i c a t e l y , h o w s w i f t l y s h e w o u l d spit
the e r r i n g m o u t h f u l out a n d save herself!
M a r y Fisher, I hope such a wind arises tonight that the
p l a t e - g l a s s w i n d o w s of t h e t o w e r c r a c k a n d t h e s t o r m s u r g e s
i n , a n d y o u d i e d r o w n i n g a n d w e e p i n g a n d in t e r r o r .
I m a k e p u f f p a s t r y for t h e c h i c k e n v o l - a u - v e n t s , a n d w h e n I
h a v e finished c i r c l i n g o u t t h e d o u g h w i t h t h e b r i m of a w i n e
glass, m a k i n g w a f e r - r o u n d s , I take the thin curved strips the
c u t t e r left b e h i n d a n d m o u l d t h e m i n t o a s h a p e m u c h like t h e
'3
s h a p e o f M a r y F i s h e r , a n d t u r n t h e o v e n h i g h , h i g h , a n d crisp
t h e figure i n it u n t i l s u c h a s t e n c h fills t h e k i t c h e n t h a t e v e n
t h e e x t r a c t o r c a n n o t r e m o v e it. G o o d .
I h o p e t h e t o w e r . b u r n s a n d M a r y F i s h e r w i t h it, s e n d i n g t h e
s m e l l of b u r n i n g flesh o u t o v e r t h e w a v e s . I w o u l d g o a n d fire
t h e place myself, but I d o n ' t drive. I can only get to the tower
if B o b b o d r i v e s m e t h e r e a n d h e n o l o n g e r d o e s so. O n e
h u n d r e d a n d e i g h t k i l o m e t r e s . H e s a y s it is m u c h t o o far.
B o b b o , p a r t i n g M a r y F i s h e r ' s s m o o t h little legs, s h i n y - c a l v e d ,
s h i n y - t h i g h e d , i n s e r t i n g h i s finger, a s h i s h a b i t is, w h e r e
p r e s e n t l y h i s c o n c e n t r a t e d self will follow.
I k n o w he d o e s the s a m e to her as he does to me, because he
t o l d m e so. B o b b o b e l i e v e s in h o n e s t y . B o b b o b e l i e v e s in love.
' B e p a t i e n t , ' h e s a y s , 'I d o n ' t i n t e n d t o l e a v e y o u . I t ' s j u s t t h a t
I ' m in l o v e w i t h h e r a n d a t t h e m o m e n t m u s t a c t a c c o r d i n g l y . '
L o v e , h e s a y s ! L o v e ! B o b b o talks a lot a b o u t love. M a r y
F i s h e r w r i t e s a b o u t n o t h i n g b u t love. All y o u n e e d is love.
I a s s u m e I l o v e B o b b o b e c a u s e I a m m a r r i e d to h i m . G o o d
w o m e n l o v e t h e i r h u s b a n d s . B u t love, c o m p a r e d to h a t e , is
a p a l l i d e m o t i o n . F i d g e t y a n d t r o u b l e s o m e , a n d m a k i n g for
misery.
M y c h i l d r e n c o m e in f r o m t h e m i d s u m m e r g a r d e n . A p i g e o n
p a i r . T h e b o y , s l i g h t like m y m o t h e r , a n d like h e r g i v e n t o
c o m p l a i n t s . T h e girl, b i g a n d l u m p y , a s I a m , v o i c i n g a
v i n d i c t i v e n e s s t h a t m a s k s t h e d e s p a i r o f t o o m u c h feeling.
T h e d o g a n d t h e c a t follow a f t e r . T h e g u i n e a p i g r u s t l e s a n d
s n u f f l e s in its c o r n e r . I h a v e j u s t t u r n e d o u t its c a g e . T h e
c h o c o l a t e f o r t h e m o u s s e b u b b l e s a n d m e l t s in t h e p a n . T h i s
is t h e h a p p i n e s s , t h e c o m p l e t e n e s s of d o m e s t i c , s u b u r b a n life.
It is w h a t w e s h o u l d be h a p p y w i t h : o u r d e s t i n y . O u t of t h e
g u t t e r of w i l d d e s i r e o n t o t h e s m o o t h l a w n s o f m a r r i e d love.
Scz you, a s I h e a r d m y mother's m o t h e r say, on her d e a t h b e d ,
w h e n p r o m i s e d e t e r n a l life b y t h e a t t e n d a n t p r i e s t .
'4
4
B o b b o ' s m o t h e r B r e n d a s t o l e a r o u n d t h e o u t s i d e of h e r s o n ' s
h o u s e a t N o . 19 N i g h t b i r d D r i v e . S h e h a d a p l a y f u l disp o s i t i o n , w h i c h h e r s o n h a d n o t i n h e r i t e d . B r e n d a m e a n t to
surprise R u t h by pressing her nose against a w i n d o w p a n e .
'Coo-ee, I ' m here,' s h e would m o u t h t h r o u g h the glass, 'the
m o n s t e r , t h e m o t h e r - i n - l a w ! ' T h u s s h e w o u l d a p o l o g i s e for
h e r d i f f i c u l t r o l e in t h e f a m i l y a n d g e t t h e e v e n i n g off, s o s h e
i m a g i n e d , t o a g o o d s t a r t , a n y t e n s i o n t h e r e m i g h t b e dissolving into laughter.
B r e n d a ' s little heels sank into the s m o o t h lawn, spoiling both
t h e m a n d it. T h e g r a s s w a s n e w l y m o w n . R u t h liked m o w i n g
the lawn. S h e could push the m o w e r with one powerful hand,
a n d t h e j o b w a s s w i f t l y a n d easily d o n e , w h i l s t h e r littler
n e i g h b o u r s p e r s p i r e d a n d c o m p l a i n e d , c o p i n g , as t h e y a l w a y s
h a d to, w i t h g r a s s left to g r o w t o o l o n g in t h e belief, d a s h e d
weekly a n d re-born weekly, that mowing the grass was what
husbands did.
B o b b o ' s m o t h e r peered into the kitchen window where the
m u s h r o o m s o u p s i m m e r e d , w a i t i n g for its d a s h of c r e a m a n d
s p l a s h o f s h e r r y , a n d n o d d e d h e r a p p r o v a l . S h e liked t h i n g s to
b e p r o p e r l y d o n e - s o l o n g a s s o m e o n e else d i d it. S h e looked
t h r o u g h the o p e n French windows into the dining room,
w h e r e t h e t a b l e w a s laid lor l o u r a n d t h e c a n d l e s w e r e in their
s t i c k s , t h e silver d i s h e s p o l i s h e d a n d t h e s i d e b o a r d d u s t e d , a n d
s i g h e d h e r a d m i r a t i o n . R u t h w a s g o o d at polishing. O n e r u b
of the p o w e r f u l fingers a n d stains disappeared. Brenda was
•5
obliged to use an electric toothbrush to keep her own silver
nice - a lengthy and irritating business - and she envied Ruth
perhaps this one thing: her way with silver.
B o b b o ' s m o t h e r B r e n d a d i d not e n v y R u t h ' s b e i n g m a r r i e d
t o B o b b o . B r e n d a d i d n o t love B o b b o a n d n e v e r h a d . She
q u i t e l i k e d B o b b o , a n d q u i t e liked h e r h u s b a n d : b u t even
t h e r e , f e e l i n g s w e r e elusive.
T h e s m e l l o f n i g h t - s c e n t e d stock filled t h e air.
' H o w n i c e l y s h e d o e s e v e r y t h i n g , ' s a i d B o b b o ' s m o t h e r t o her
h u s b a n d , A n g u s . ' H o w lucky B o b b o is!' A n g u s s t o o d o n the
p a t h , w a i t i n g for his w i f e ' s p l a y f u l n e s s to a b a t e , a n d for h e r to
s t o p l o o k i n g in w i n d o w s . B r e n d a w o r e b e i g e silk a n d gold
b r a c e l e t s a n d liked t o feel timeless. A n g u s w o r e a b r o w n i s h
c h e c k s u i t a n d a yellow o c h r e shirt a n d a b l u e s p o t t e d tie. N o
m a t t e r h o w r i c h o r p o o r t h e y h a p p e n e d t o be, B r e n d a a l w a y s
l o o k e d a little t o o e l e g a n t , a n d A n g u s j u s t a little a b s u r d .
B r e n d a h a d a little t i p - t i l t e d n o s e a n d t o o - w i d e eyes, a n d
A n g u s a g r e a t fleshy n o s e a n d n a r r o w eyes.
B o b b o w o r e g r e y suits a n d w h i t e s h i r t s a n d p a l e ties a n d w a s
c a r e f u l a l w a y s to look s e r i o u s a n d n e u t r a l , b i d i n g his time,
c o n c e a l i n g his power. H i s nose was straight a n d strong and
his eyes j u s t right.
B r e n d a looked into the family room a n d saw the two children
w a t c h i n g television. T h e r e m a i n s of a n e a r l y s u p p e r stood o n
t h e t a b l e . T h e y w e r e w a s h e d , c o m b e d a n d r e a d y for b e d : they
s e e m e d h a p p y , a l t h o u g h graceless. B u t t h e n w i t h R u t h for a
m o t h e r w h a t could you expect?
' S h e ' s s u c h a good mother,' whispered Brenda to Angus,
b e c k o n i n g h i m closer t o a d m i r e . ' Y o u h a v e to r e s p e c t h e r . '
B r e n d a s h o o k h e r heels free of c l i n g i n g e a r t h a n d w e n t r o u n d
t o t h e l a u n d r y r o o m w h e r e B o b b o w a s at t h a t m o m e n t
r e m o v i n g a n i r o n e d , f o l d e d shirt f r o m a n e a t pile. H e w o r e
only vest a n d p a n t s , but h a d n ' t B r e n d a b a t h e d him when
h e ' d b e e n a little b o y ? C a n a m o t h e r be f r i g h t e n e d of h e r s o n ' s
nakedness?
B r e n d a d i d n o t n o t i c e t h e n e a t little b i t e m a r k s o n h e r s o n ' s
u p p e r a r m : o r p e r h a p s s h e d i d , a n d a s s u m e d t h e y w e r e insect
bites. T h e y c e r t a i n l y c o u l d n o t h a v e b e e n m a d e by R u t h ' s
teeth, w h i c h were broad, heavy a n d irregular.
'She's s u c h a good wife,' said B o b b o ' s m o t h e r , moved almost
to t e a r s . ' L o o k a t t h a t i r o n i n g ! ' B o b b o ' s m o t h e r n e v e r i r o n e d
if s h e c o u l d h e l p it. I n t h e g o o d t i m e s i n d e e d , s h e a n d A n g u s
liked t o live in h o t e l s , s i m p l y b e c a u s e t h e r e ' d b e a valet
s e r v i c e . ' A n d w h a t a g o o d h u s b a n d B o b b o h a s t u r n e d o u t to
be!' I f s h e t h o u g h t h e r s o n w a s n a r c i s s i s t i c , s t a r i n g s o l o n g in
the m i r r o r , s h e kept her t h o u g h t s to herself.
B u t B o b b o l o o k e d in t h e m i r r o r a t his c l e a r , e l e g a n t eyes, his
i n t e l l i g e n t b r o w a n d his s l i g h t l y b r u i s e d m o u t h , a n d h a r d l y
s a w h i m s e l f a t all: h e s a w t h e m a n w h o m M a r y F i s h e r loved.
B o b b o , a s h e d r e s s e d , w a s w o r k i n g o u t in his h e a d a m o n e t a r y
s c a l e f o r l o v e - m a k i n g . H e felt h a p p i e r w h e n he c o u l d p u t a
fiscal v a l u e t o t h i n g s . H e w a s n o t m e a n : h e w a s h a p p y
e n o u g h t o s p e n d m o n e y . H e m e r e l y felt t h a t life a n d m o n e y
w e r e t h e s a m e t h i n g . H i s f a t h e r h a d i m p l i e d it o f t e n e n o u g h .
' T i m e is m o n e y , ' A n g u s w o u l d s a y , h u r r y i n g his s o n off to
s c h o o l , o u t o f t h e h o u s e . ' L i f e is t i m e , a n d t i m e is m o n e y . '
S o m e t i m e s B o b b o would h a v e to walk, because there was no
m o n e y f o r t h e b u s . S o m e t i m e s h e ' d g o by c h a u f f e u r a n d
R o l l s - R o y c e . A n g u s h a d m a d e t w o m i l l i o n s a n d lost t h r e e
d u r i n g t h e c o u r s e o f B o b b o ' s c h i l d h o o d . A life full o f u p s a n d
d o w n s f o r a g r o w i n g b o y ! ' I n t h e t i m e y o u t a k e to d o t h a t , '
h e ' d s a y t o t h e t o d d l e r , B o b b o , try i n g t o lace his t i n y shoes
w i t h u n t r a i n e d fingers, ' I c o u l d m a k e a t h o u s a n d p o u n d s . '
A m o n e t a r y s c a l e for l o v e - m a k i n g , B o b b o t h o u g h t , w o u l d
h a v e t o s e t t h e s u m of e a r n i n g - c a p a c i t y - w a s t e d p l u s e n e r g y c o n s u m e d a g a i n s t t h e b a l a n c e of p l e a s u r e - g a i n e d plus
'7
r e n e w e d - c r e a t i v i t y . A c a b i n e t m i n i s t e r ' s coitus, however
f e e b l e , c o u l d w o r k o u t a t s o m e $200, a h o u s e w i f e ' s e n t r ' a c t e ,
h o w e v e r e n e r g e t i c , a m e r e $25. A n a c t of love w i t h M a r y
F i s h e r , a h i g h e a r n e r a n d e n e r g e t i c w i t h it, w o u l d be w o r t h
$ 5 0 0 . A n a c t o f love w i t h his wife w o u l d b e g r a d e d at $75, b u t
o f c o u r s e o c c u r r e d m o r e o f t e n so u n f o r t u n a t e l y w o u l d yield
a d i m i n i s h i n g r e t u r n . T h e m o r e o f t e n sex w i t h a p a r t i c u l a r
p e r s o n h a p p e n e d , B o b b o believed, t h e less it w a s w o r t h .
B o b b o ' s m o t h e r e x t r a c t e d h e r heels o n c e m o r e f r o m the wellt e n d e d e a r t h of t h e n e w l a w n , b e c k o n e d h e r h u s b a n d ,
a n d w i t h h i m m a d e h e r w a y to t h e f r o n t of t h e h o u s e . She
l o o k e d i n t o t h e living r o o m a n d t h e r e , b e h o l d , w a s R u t h ' s
m o u n t a i n o u s b a c k , b e n t over t h e r e c o r d p l a y e r , a r r a n g i n g a
p l e a s a n t s e l e c t i o n of p r e - d i n n e r a n d p o s t - d i n n e r m u s i c .
R u t h s t r a i g h t e n e d u p , k n o c k i n g h e r h e a d a g a i n s t t h e oak
b e a m o v e r t h e fireplace. T h e h o u s e h a d b e e n d e s i g n e d for
altogether smaller occupants.
A s R u t h ' s m o t h e r - i n - l a w p r e p a r e d t o flatten h e r n o s e a g a i n s t
t h e w i n d o w p a n e a n d be playful, R u t h turned. Even through
t h e d i s t o r t i n g glass it w a s clear t h a t s h e h a d b e e n crying. H e r
f a c e w a s pufTy a n d h e r eyes s w o l l e n . ' T h e s u b u r b a n blues!'
m u r m u r e d B r e n d a to A ngus . 'It affects even the happiest!'
A s t h e y w a t c h e d R u t h c l a w e d wild h a n d s to h e a v e n , s o m e w h e r e a b o v e t h e s e a - g r e e n ceiling, a s if e n t r e a t i n g t h e d e s c e n t
of s o m e d r e a d f u l god, s o m e necessary destiny.
' I t h i n k s h e ' s a little m o r e u p s e t t h a n u s u a l , ' s a i d B o b b o ' s
m o t h e r , u n w i l l i n g l y . ' I h o p e B o b b o is b e i n g g o o d to h e r , ' a n d
s h e a n d B o b b o ' s f a t h e r w e n t t o sit o n t h e low b e n c h o u t s i d e
t h e h o u s e a n d s t a r e i n t o t h e d e e p e n i n g e v e n i n g t h a t fell o v e r
N ' i g h t b i r d D r i v e , a n d talk in a d e s u l t o r y w a y a b o u t t h e i r o w n
a n d o t h e r p e o p l e ' s lives.
' W e ' l l give h e r time to calm d o w n , ' said B o b b o ' s mother.
' D i n n e r parties, even w h e n they're only family, can be quite a
strain!'
18
Bobbo's m o t h e r had a calm word and a quiet and pleasant
t h o u g h t for every occasion. N o o n e could u n d e r s t a n d whence
B o b b o ' s questing, striving, complaining n a t u r e came.
B o b b o ' s f a t h e r s h a r e d his wife's c a p a c i t y for positive t h i n k i n g :
sixtv-six a n d two-thirds of the time s u c h thinking w a s justified. T h i n g s o f t e n t u r n o u t for t h e b e s t , if y o u e x p e c t t h e y will:
t h e n a l l y o u h a v e t o d o is l e a v e well a l o n e . B u t B o b b o , u n l i k e
h i s p a r e n t s , d i d n o t like l e a v i n g t h i n g s t o c h a n c e . B o b b o ' s
a m b i t i o n w a s a o n e h u n d r e d p e r c e n t s u c c e s s r a t e in life.
B o b b o finished d r e s s i n g . H e took his l a u n d e r e d , f o l d e d clothes
for g r a n t e d . W h e n he stayed with M a r y Fisher the m a n s e r v a n t , G a r c i a , s a w t o t h e s e t h i n g s ; t h a t B o b b o took for
g r a n t e d too.
' W h a t is M a r y F i s h e r h a v i n g for s u p p e r ? ' w o n d e r e d B o b b o ,
a s h i s w i f e h a d e a r l i e r , a n d l o n g e d t o b e o n e of t h e d e l i c a t e
m o r s e l s h i s m i s t r e s s p u t i n t o h e r m o u t h . A h , to b e a b s o r b e d ,
i n c o r p o r a t e d ! A slice o f s m o k e d s a l m o n , a s e g m e n t of o r a n g e ,
a d r o p of c h a m p a g n e !
T h e s e w e r e t h e delicacies that M a r y Fisher loved to eat,
w o r k i n g o u t the fantasies of others. Fastidious, impossible
M a r y F i s h e r ! ' A little s m o k e d s a l m o n , ' s h e ' d s a y , ' r e a l l y costs
n o m o r e t h a n a l a r g e q u a n t i t y of t i n n e d t u n a . A n d it t a s t e s so
m u c h nicer.'
It was half a lie and half the truth; it was like so much that
Mary Fisher said, and wrote.
Bobbo went into the living room and discovered his large
wife clawing at empty air.
'Why are you crying?' he asked.
B e c a u s e I b u m p e d my head,' she said, a n d he accepted the
lie b e c a u s e h i s p a r e n t s w o u l d b e t h e r e a n y m i n t u e , a n d h e
h a d , b e s i d e s , v e r y little i n t e r e s t a n y m o r e in w h a t his wife
s a i d o r d i d , o r w h y s h e c r i e d . H e forgot R i i t h , a n d w o n d e r e d ,
•9
a s t h e s e d a y s h e o f t e n d i d , w h a t e x a c t l y w a s t h e n a t u r e of
t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p between M a r y Fisher a n d Garcia, her mans e r v a n t . G a r c i a sliced t h e s m o k e d s a l m o n , u n c o r k e d t h e
c h a m p a g n e a n d p o l i s h e d t h e w i d e g l a s s p a n e s of t h e lower
floors i n s i d e a n d o u t . O t h e r h o u s e h o l d t a s k s , m o r e m e n i a l , h e
d e l e g a t e d to t h e maids. G a r c i a was paid $300 per week, which
w a s t w i c e w h a t live-in m e n s e r v a n t s w e r e c u s t o m a r i l y p a i d by
o t h e r o f B o b b o ' s clients. G a r c i a c a r r i e d little p o t s of coffee into
h i s m i s t r e s s a n d p u t t h e m o n t h e g r e a t g l a s s t a b l e o n its pale
s t e e l p i e r , u p o n w h i c h M a r y F i s h e r w r o t e h e r novels, o n thin,
t h i n p a p e r w i t h clear, r e d ink. H e r w r i t i n g w a s s p i d e r y a n d
t i n y . G a r c i a w a s tall a n d fleshy a n d d a r k a n d y o u n g , a n d his
fingers w e r e l o n g a n d s o m e t i m e s B o b b o w o n d e r e d w h e r e they
s t r a y e d . G a r c i a w a s t w e n t y - f i v e a n d j u s t t h e look o n h i m sent
B o b b o ' s m i n d at once to sexual speculation.
' B u t B o b b o , ' M a r y Fisher would say, 'surely you
j e a l o u s ! G a r c i a ' s y o u n g e n o u g h to be m y son.'
aren't
' O e d i p u s w a s p r e t t y y o u n g too,' w a s B o b b o ' s reply, m a k i n g
M a r y F i s h e r l a u g h . H o w p r e t t y h e r l a u g h w a s a n d h o w easily
it c a m e . B o b b o w a n t e d n o o n e t o h e a r it b u t h i m s e l f . Y e t h o w
c o u l d h e p o s s i b l y b e w i t h h e r all t h e t i m e ? C e r t a i n l y t h e r e
w a s n o o t h e r w a y of k e e p i n g h e r t o h i m s e l f a n d e n s u r i n g h e r
fidelity b u t b y b e i n g t h e r e . Y e t B o b b o h a d m o n e y t o e a r n ,
w o r k t o d o , c h i l d r e n to f a t h e r , a n d a wife, c l u m s y a n d w e e p i n g
a n d b o r i n g t h o u g h s h e m i g h t b e , to h u s b a n d . H e h a d u n d e r t a k e n m a r r i a g e : h e w o u l d see it t h r o u g h . A n d s i n c e h e suffered, so w o u l d Ruth.
H i s w i f e s e e m e d t o h i m t o b e i m m e a s u r a b l y l a r g e , a n d to
h a v e g r o w n l a r g e r s i n c e h e told h e r o f h i s love for M a r y
F i s h e r . H e a s k e d h e r if s h e w a s p u t t i n g o n w e i g h t , a n d s h e
s a i d n o , a n d s t o o d o n t h e s c a l e s to p r o v e it. F o u r t e e n s t o n e ,
t h r e e p o u n d s . A p o u n d o r s o less, e v e n , t h a n u s u a l ! I t c o u l d
o n l y b e in h i s m i n d , t h e n , t h a t s h e l o o m e d l a r g e r .
B o b b o p u t o n a r e c o r d . H e t h o u g h t it m i g h t d r o w n t h e s o u n d
of his wife's crying. H e chose Vivaldi to soothe himself a n d
20
h e r . T h e Four Seasons. H e w i s h e d s h e w o u l d n o t w e e p . W h a t
d i d s h e e x p e c t o f h i m ? H e h a d n e v e r c l a i m e d to love h e r . O r
h a d he? H e could hardly r e m e m b e r .
R u t h left t h e r o o m . H e h e a r d t h e click of t h e o v e n o p e n i n g : h e
h e a r d a l i t t l e c r y , a c r a s h . S h e h a d b u r n e d h e r fingers. T h e
v o l - a u - v e n t s w e r e o n t h e floor - h e k n e w it. A n d so s m a l l a
d i s t a n c e t o c a r r y t h e m - f r o m the oven to the table!
B o b b o t u r n e d u p t h e v o l u m e of t h e m u s i c a n d w e n t i n t o find
c h i c k e n a n d c r e a m s a u c e a n d p a s t r y o n t h e l i n o - t i l e d floor
a n d t h e d o g a n d the cat a l r e a d y scavenging. H e kicked the
a n i m a l s into the garden a n d p u s h e d R u t h into a chair and
told h e r not to upset the children, w h o were upset enough
b y h e r b e h a v i o u r a s it w a s , a n d s c r a p e d e v e r y t h i n g u p
m e t h o d i c a l l y a n d as hygienically as possible, reconstituting
if n o t i n d i v i d u a l p a s t r y c a s e s t h e n a t l e a s t a s u g g e s t i o n of a
l a r g e , s i n g l e , c h i c k e n - f i l l e d flan. I t w a s in t h e i n t e r e s t s of
h y g i e n e t h a t B o b b o left a t h i n film of f o o d u p o n t h e floor. H e
e s t i m a t e d its v a l u e a t s o m e $ 2 .
H e r e q u i r e d t h e c a t a n d t h e d o g t o c o m e a n d lick u p t h e film,
b u t b o t h w e r e n o w sulking outside a n d would not come back
i n . I n s t e a d t h e y s a t u p o n t h e w a l l , n e x t t o his p a r e n t s , a n d
like t h e m w a i t e d for t h e d o m e s t i c c l i m a t e to c h a n g e .
' D o s t o p c r y i n g , ' p l e a d e d B o b b o in t h e k i t c h e n . ' W h y d o y o u
m a k e s u c h a fuss a b o u t everything? It's only m y parents
c o m i n g t o d i n n e r . T h e y d o n ' t e x p e c t all t h i s e f f o r t . T h e y ' d b e
perfectly h a p p y with a simple meal.'
N o , they w o u l d n ' t . But I ' m not crying because of that.'
' Then what?'
'You know.'
A h , M a r y Fisher. H e did i n d e e d know. H e tried reason.
Y o u d i d n ' t e x p e c t m e , w h e n I m a r r i e d y o u , n e v e r t o love
anyone again?'
21
' T h a t is e x a c t l y w h a t I e x p e c t e d . It is w h a t e v e r y o n e e x p e c t s . '
S h e h a d b e e n c h e a t e d , a n d k n e w it.
' B u t y o u ' r e n o t like e v e r y o n e , R u t h . '
'You m e a n I ' m a freak.'
' N o , ' h e s a i d , c a u t i o u s l y a n d k i n d l y . ' I m e a n w e a r e all
individuals.'
' B u t w e ' r e m a r r i e d . T h a t makes us o n e
flesh.'
' O u r m a r r i a g e w a s r a t h e r o n e of c o n v e n i e n c e , m y d e a r . I
think w e b o t h acknowledged that at the time.'
' C o n v e n i e n t for you.'
He laughed.
' W h y are you laughing?'
' B e c a u s e y o u t h i n k in c l i c h e s a n d t a l k in c l i c h e s . '
'I s u p p o s e M a r y Fisher doesn't?'
' O f c o u r s e s h e d o e s n ' t . S h e is a c r e a t i v e a r t i s t . '
A n d y a n d N i c o l a , t h e c h i l d r e n , a p p e a r e d in t h e k i t c h e n d o o r :
h e little a n d light, s h e large a n d looming. T h e w r o n g way
r o u n d . H e s e e m e d m o r e girlish t h a n s h e . B o b b o b l a m e d
R u t h f o r h a v i n g g o t t h e c h i l d r e n w r o n g . H e felt t h e i r m o t h e r
h a d d o n e it o n p u r p o s e . H i s h e a r t b l e d for t h e m . C h i l d r e n
o p e n u p exquisite nerves a n d t w a n g t h e m daily, painfully.
H e w i s h e d t h e y h a d n e v e r b e e n b o r n , e v e n w h i l e h e loved
t h e m . T h e y stood between him a n d M a r y Fisher a n d he had
s t r a n g e d r e a m s in w h i c h t h e y c a m e t o s o r r y e n d s .
' C a n I h a v e a d o u g h n u t ? ' a s k e d N i c o l a . H e r r e s p o n s e to
d o m e s t i c c r i s i s w a s t o a s k for f o o d . S h e w a s v e r y o v e r w e i g h t .
22
T h e e x p e c t e d a n s w e r , ' N o ' , in its u t t e r i n g , w o u l d set u p a
c o u n t e r - i r r i t a n t a n d t h u s s a v e h e r p a r e n t s f r o m m o r e distress.
T h e y w o u l d b e s o b u s y c h i d i n g h e r t h e y w o u l d f o r g e t to c h i d e
each o t h e r , or so she believed; wrongly.
'I h a v e a splinter,' said A n d y . 'Look, I ' m limping!'
H e d e m o n s t r a t e d , w a l k i n g t h r o u g h t h e film of f o o d , l i m p i n g
o n i n t o t h e living room, t r e a d i n g sauce into the carpet. It was
a u t u m n g r e e n , t o n i n g p r e t t i l y a n d safely w i t h a v o c a d o w a l l s
a n d s e a - g r e e n ceiling. B o b b o r e c k o n e d t h e g r e a s y f o o t p r i n t s
w o u l d a d d $ 3 0 t o t h e c l e a n i n g bill. C o m e its a n n u a l o v e r h a u l ,
t h e c a r p e t w o u l d n o w h a v e t o g o for S p e c i a l a n d n o t R e g u l a r
cleaning.
Outside, A n g u s and Brenda decided that R u t h would by
n o w h a v e r e c o v e r e d h e r c o m p o s u r e . T h e y left t h e i r w a l l a n d
c a m e u p t h e g a r d e n p a t h a n d r a n g t h e forest c h i m e s o f t h e
f r o n t d o o r . Pling-plong!
' P l e a s e d o n ' t e m b a r r a s s m e in f r o n t of m y p a r e n t s , ' b e g g e d
B o b b o , a n d R u t h began to w e e p the h a r d e r : she uttered great
g u l p i n g sobs a n d heaved h e r giant shoulders. Even her tears
seemed bigger a n d more watery than other people's. Mary
F i s h e r , t h o u g h t B o b b o , w e p t n i c e n e a t little t e a r s , w h i c h h a d
a n a l t o g e t h e r s t r o n g e r s u r f a c e tension t h a n his wife's a n d
would surely be worth m o r e on the open matrimonial market.
If o n l y t h e r e w e r e s u c h a t h i n g , h e w o u l d t r a d e R u t h in at
once.
' C o m e in,' h e said to his p a r e n t s at the front door. ' C o m e
in! H o w w o n d e r f u l t o see y o u b o t h ! R u t h h a s b e e n p e e l i n g
o n i o n s . S h e ' s a little t e a r f u l , I ' m a f r a i d . '
R u t h r a n u p t o h e r r o o m . W h e n M a r y F i s h e r r a n , h e r foots t e p s w e r e light a n d bright. R u t h ' s weight swayed from one
m a s s i v e leg t o a n o t h e r a n d s h o o k t h e h o u s e e a c h t i m e it fell.
H o u s e s in E d e n V a l e w e r e d e s i g n e d n o t j u s t for littler p e o p l e ,
b u t for altogether lighter ones. '
23
5
N o w . I n M a r y F i s h e r ' s n o v e l s , w h i c h sell b y t h e h u n d r e d
t h o u s a n d in g l i t t e r y p i n k a n d g o l d c o v e r s , little s t a u n c h
h e r o i n e s r a i s e t e a r f u l e y e s t o h a n d s o m e m e n , a n d by giving
t h e m u p , g a i n t h e m . L i t t l e w o m e n c a n look u p t o m e n . B u t
w o m e n o f six f o o t t w o h a v e t r o u b l e d o i n g so.
A n d I tell y o u this; I a m j e a l o u s ! I a m j e a l o u s o f e v e r y little,
p r e t t y w o m a n w h o e v e r lived a n d l o o k e d u p s i n c e t h e w o r l d
b e g a n . I a m , in f a c t , q u i t e e a t e n u p b y j e a l o u s y , a n d a fine,
lively, h u n g r y e m o t i o n it is. B u t why s h o u l d I c a r e , y o u ask?
C a n ' t I j u s t live in m y s e l f a n d f o r g e t t h a t p a r t o f m y life a n d
b e c o n t e n t ? D o n ' t I h a v e a h o m e , a n d a h u s b a n d to pay the
bills, a n d c h i l d r e n t o look a f t e r ? I s n ' t t h a t e n o u g h ? ' N o ! ' is
t h e a n s w e r . I w a n t , I c r a v e , I d i e t o b e p a r t of t h a t o t h e r
e r o t i c w o r l d , o f c h o i c e a n d d e s i r e a n d l u s t . It i s n ' t love I
w a n t ; it is n o t h i n g so s i m p l e . W h a t I w a n t is to t a k e e v e r y t h i n g
a n d r e t u r n n o t h i n g . W h a t I w a n t is p o w e r o v e r t h e h e a r t s
a n d p o c k e t s o f m e n . It is all t h e p o w e r w e c a n h a v e , d o w n
h e r e in E d e n G r o v e , in p a r a d i s e , a n d e v e n t h a t is d e n i e d m e .
I s t a n d in m y b e d r o o m , o u r b e d r o o m , B o b b o ' s a n d m y
b e d r o o m , a n d c o m p o s e m y f a c e t h e s o o n e r t o r e t u r n to m y
m a t r i m o n i a l duties, to wifedom a n d m o t h e r h o o d , a n d my
in-laws.
T o t h i s e n d I r e c i t e t h e L i t a n y o f t h e G o o d W i f e . I t g o e s like
this:
I m u s t p r e t e n d to b e h a p p y w h e n I a m n o t ; for e v e r y o n e ' s
sake.
24
1
1 m u s t m a k e n o a d v e r s e c o m m e n t on the m a n n e r of my
existence; for everyone's sake.
I m u s t b e g r a t e f u l for t h e r o o f o v e r m y h e a d a n d t h e food
o n m y t a b l e , a n d s p e n d m y d a y s s h o w i n g it, b y c l e a n i n g
a n d c o o k i n g a n d j u m p i n g u p a n d d o w n f r o m m y c h a i r ; for
everyone's sake.
I m u s t m a k e m y h u s b a n d ' s p a r e n t s like m e , a n d m y p a r e n t s
like h i m ; f o r e v e r y o n e ' s s a k e .
I m u s t c o n s e n t to the principle t h a t those w h o e a r n most
o u t s i d e the h o m e deserve most inside the h o m e ; for everyone's sake.
I m u s t build u p my h u s b a n d ' s sexual confidence, I must
n o t e x p r e s s a n y s e x u a l i n t e r e s t in o t h e r m e n , in p r i v a t e o r
in p u b l i c ; I m u s t i g n o r e h i s w a y of d i m i n i s h i n g m e , by
publicly praising w o m e n younger, prettier a n d more
s u c c e s s f u l t h a n m e , a n d s l e e p i n g w i t h t h e m in p r i v a t e , if he
c a n ; for e v e r y o n e ' s sake.
I m u s t r e n d e r h i m m o r a l s u p p o r t in all his u n d e r t a k i n g s ,
h o w e v e r i m m o r a l t h e y m a y b e , for t h e m a r r i a g e ' s s a k e . I
m u s t p r e t e n d in all m a t t e r s t o b e less t h a n h i m .
I m u s t love h i m t h r o u g h w e a l t h a n d poverty, t h r o u g h
g o o d t i m e s a n d b a d , a n d n o t s w e r v e in m y l o y a l t y t o h i m ,
for e v e r y o n e ' s s a k e .
B u t t h e L i t a n y d o e s n ' t w o r k . It d o e s n ' t s o o t h e : it i n c e n s e s . I
s w e r v e : m y l o y a l t y s w e r v e s ! I look i n s i d e myself: I find h a t e ,
yes: h a t e f o r M a r y F i s h e r , h o t , s t r o n g a n d s w e e t : b u t n o t a
s c r a p o f l o v e , n o t t h e f a i n t e s t , w r i g g l i n g t e n d r i l . I h a v e fallen
o u t of l o v e w i t h B o b b o ! I r a n u p s t a i r s , loving, w e e p i n g . I will
run d o w n s t a i r s , unloving, not weeping.
2
5
6
' B u t w h y w a s s h e c r y i n g ? ' a s k e d B r e n d a of B o b b o , a s R u t h
l u m b e r e d u p s t a i r s a n d t h e h o u s e s h o o k . ' I s it t h e t i m e of t h e
month?'
' I e x p e c t so,' said Bobbo.
' S u c h a n u i s a n c e for a w o m a n , ' s a i d B r e n d a , a n d A n g u s
c o u g h e d a little, e m b a r r a s s e d at t h e t u r n t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n
was taking.
Presently R u t h c a m e d o w n , smiling, a n d served the soup.
T w e l v e y e a r s n o w s i n c e B o b b o first m e t R u t h . S h e w a s o n e of
t h e g i r l s w o r k i n g in A n g u s ' s t y p i n g p o o l . A n g u s w a s in t h e
s t a t i o n e r y business, w o r k i n g u p to his second million, which
t h e i n t r o d u c t i o n of V a l u e A d d e d T a x w a s l a t e r to w h i t t l e
a w a y t o n o t h i n g . A n g u s a n d B r e n d a w e r e for o n c e living in a
h o u s e , n o t a n h o t e l , w h i c h B o b b o a p p r e c i a t e d , a l t h o u g h he
h i m s e l f w a s a w a y at his F u r t h e r S t u d i e s . A c c o u n t a n c y e x a m s
g o 011 f o r m a n y y e a r s , k e e p i n g t h e s o n (it is u s u a l l y a s o n )
unusually d e p e n d e n t upon the father.
R u t h w a s a h e l p f u l , w i l l i n g girl, a b l e t o c o n c e n t r a t e a n d not
f o r e v e r s t a r i n g a t h e r r e f l e c t i o n in m i r r o r s . I f a n v t h i n g . R u t h
a v o i d e d m i r r o r s . S h e lived a w a y f r o m h o m e , a l t h o u g h still in
h e r t e e n s . H e r b e d r o o m h a d b e e n n e e d e d to a c c o m m o d a t e
h e r s t e p - f a t h e r ' s m o d e l t r a i n s e t . S h e a n d t h e t r a i n c o u l d not
safely s h a r e a room, b e c a u s e of h e r clumsiness a n d the
d e l i c a c y a n d s e n s i t i v i t y o f t h e e q u i p m e n t . O n e of t h e m h a d
2ti
t o g o . a n d R u t h w a s t h e e a s i e r t o m o v e . It c a n t a k e m o n t h s
to a d j u s t t r a i n tracks properly a n d p e r m a n e n t l y : a young
w o m a n can settle anywhere.
So R u t h
by s h o p
woman.
scarcely
h a d t a k e n u p r e s i d e n c e in a h o s t e l m o s t l y i n h a b i t e d
g i r l s ; a p a r t i c u l a r l y light a n d fine b r e e d of y o u n g
T h e belts that c i n c h e d their tiny waists would
e n c o m p a s s one of R u t h ' s thighs.
T h e l e a v i n g o f t h e c h i l d h o o d h o m e h a d b e e n u n e m o t i o n a l : it
was obvious to everyone, including Ruth, that she had outg r o w n t h e p l a c e . S h e d i d n o t like t o m a k e a fuss. H e r school
h a d b e e n a c o n v e n t , r u n b y n u n s of t h e m o r e s u p e r s t i t i o u s ,
less i n t e l l e c t u a l k i n d ; it c o n c e n t r a t e d o n t e a c h i n g t h e f e m a l e
a n d h o u s e h o l d g r a c e s , a n d e x a m i n a t i o n s , a p a r t f r o m t h o s e in
s h o r t h a n d - t y p i n g , were not taken. T h e training encouraged
s t o i c i s m , n o t selfish e m o t i o n s , n o r a t t e n t i o n - s e e k i n g t e a r s .
R u t h ' s h a l f - s i s t e r s M i r a n d a a n d J o c e l y n d i d well e n o u g h a t
S t . M a r t h a ' s , e s p e c i a l l y in G r e e k d a n c i n g , w h i c h t h e y
d e m o n s t r a t e d very sweetly at end-of-term concerts. R u t h
w a s u s e f u l , t o o , o n s u c h o c c a s i o n s , s h i f t i n g p r o p s . ' Y o u see,'
t h e n u n s s a i d , ' e v e r y o n e h a s a v a l u e . T h e r e is a p l a c e for
e v e r y o n e in G o d ' s wonderful creation.'
S h o r t l y a f t e r R u t h m o v e d i n t o t h e h o s t e l , h e r m o t h e r left
h o m e . P e r h a p s s h e t o o felt d r i v e n i n t o a c o r n e r b y t h e everg r o w i n g t r a i n s e t , o r w a s d i s a p p o i n t e d b y t h e lack o f s e x u a l
e n t h u s i a s m s o o f t e n d i s p l a y e d b y t h o s e w h o get c a u g h t u p in
t h i s r e w a r d i n g h o b b y , o r p e r h a p s it w a s - a s R u t h i m a g i n e d ' h a t t h e s u d d e n a b s e n c e o f t h e d a u g h t e r set t h e m o t h e r free.
A t a n y r a t e R u t h ' s m o t h e r r a n off w i t h a m i n i n g e n g i n e e r to
W e s t e r n A u s t r a l i a , o n t h e o t h e r s i d e of t h e w o r l d , t a k i n g
M i r a n d a a n d J o c e l y n with her, a n d R u t h ' s step-father
p r e s e n t l y m a d e d o w i t h a w o m a n of f e w e r e x p e c t a t i o n s , w h o
s a w n o p a r t i c u l a r r e a s o n w h y R u t h s h o u l d visit. R u t h , a f t e r
a
' l , w a s not a blood relative, not remotely family.
I h e s e f a c t s , c o m i n g to B r e n d a ' s n o t i c e b y w a y o f A n g u s ,
m a d e h e r feel s o r r y f o r t h e girl.
27
' S h e n e e d s a helping h a n d ! ' said B r e n d a .
R u t h w a s always the one at the switchboard when Brenda
r a n g t h r o u g h e a r l y , l a t e , o r in t h e l u n c h h o u r , c o u r t e o u s ,
c a l m a n d e f f i c i e n t . T h e o t h e r girls w o u l d b e o u t s h o p p i n g for
l i t t l e s c a r v e s a n d e a r r i n g s a n d e y e s h a d o w a n d s o f o r t h a n d all
in A n g u s ' s time (no w o n d e r he w a s so often b a n k r u p t ) ; but
never Ruth.
' I w a s o n c e a n ugly d u c k l i n g , ' B r e n d a s a i d to A n g u s , t h e n . 'I
k n o w w h a t it feels like.'
' S h e ' s n o t a n ugly d u c k l i n g , ' s a i d A n g u s . ' U g l y d u c k l i n g s
turn into swans.'
' I t h i n k , ' s a i d B r e n d a , ' t h e girl n e e d s a p r o p e r h o m e a t this,
t h e t u r n i n g p o i n t in h e r life. S h e c o u l d s t a y w i t h us. I could
h e l p h e r m a k e t h e m o s t o f h e r s e l f a n d s h e c o u l d d o a little
c o o k i n g a n d c l e a n i n g in t h e e v e n i n g s , a f t e r w o r k , in r e t u r n .
A n d I really h a v e to h a v e s o m e o n e for t h e ironing. She would
p a y r e n t , t o o , of c o u r s e . S h e is a v e r y p r o u d girl. P r o b a b l y
a b o u t a t h i r d of h e r w a g e s . '
' T h e r e i s n ' t r o o m , ' s a i d A n g u s . T h e h o u s e t h e y lived in w a s
v e r y s m a l l , w h i c h w a s h o w t h e y b o t h felt c o m f o r t a b l e . B u t
B r e n d a p o i n t e d o u t t h a t w h i l e B o b b o w a s a t college his r o o m
was e m p t y during term-time.
' I t ' s w r o n g , ' s h e s a i d . ' A n e m p t y r o o m j u s t feels w r o n g . '
' Y o u ' v e l i v e d in so m a n y h o t e l s , ' h e s a i d , ' y o u ' r e b e g i n n i n g
t o t h i n k like a n h o t e l m a n a g e r . B u t I k n o w w h a t y o u
mean.'
B r e n d a a n d A n g u s b o t h felt, b u t d i d n o t q u i t e like t o s a y , t h a t
B o b b o ' s c h i l d h o o d a n d d e p e n d e n c y h a d b e e n g o i n g o n for a
l o n g t i m e : f o r t o o l o n g , in f a c t . H i s r o o m s h o u l d by n o w be
f r e e , s u r e l y , for t h e m t o u s e as t h e y w i s h e d . P a r e n t h o o d c o u l d
n o t g o o n f o r e v e r . A n d if t h e y w i s h e d t o fill t h e r o o m u p R u t h
w o u l d d o t h e filling v e r y well i n d e e d . ' B o b b o c a n a l w a y s
sleep o n t h e sofa,' said B r e n d a . ' I t ' s very comfortable.'
B o b b o w a s s u r p r i s e d a n d a n n o y e d , c o m i n g h o m e for
C h r i s t m a s , t o b e ofTered a sofa f o r a b e d , a n d to find h i s old
s c h o o l b o o k s m o v e d o u t of his c u p b o a r d to m a k e w a y for
R u t h ' s flat, t r o d d e n - d o w n s h o e s .
28
' L o o k u p o n R u t h as a sister,' said B r e n d a . ' T h e sister you
never had!'
B u t B o b b o h a d that p r e o c c u p a t i o n , c o m m o n to the only
c h i l d , a f a s c i n a t i o n w i t h s i b l i n g i n c e s t , a n d took h i s m o t h e r ' s
w o r d s a s justification for t h e fulfilling of his fantasies and
c r e p t i n t o w h a t a f t e r all w a s h i s o w n b e d , b y d e a d o f n i g h t .
R u t h w a s w a r m a n d soft a n d b r o a d a n d t h e sofa w a s cold
a n d h a r d a n d n a r r o w . H e liked h e r . S h e n e v e r l a u g h e d at
h i m , o r d e s p i s e d his sexual p e r f o r m a n c e , as did A u d r e y
S i n g e r , t h e girl w h o m B o b b o c u r r e n t l y l o v e d . B o b b o felt t h a t
his s e d u c t i o n of R u t h , this vast, obliging m o u n t a i n , served
A u d r e y right.
I t w a s s e x u a l s u i c i d e of t h e m o s t d r a m a t i c k i n d .
' S e e w h a t y o u h a v e d o n e ! ' h e s a i d , in h i s h e a r t , t o A u d r e y .
' S e e w h a t y o u h a v e d r i v e n m e to! R u t h ! '
' S e e , ' h e s a i d t o h i s m o t h e r , in his h e a r t , kil ...g ofT a n y
n u m b e r of b i r d s w i t h one stone, 'see w h a t h a p p e n s w h e n you
t u r n m e o u t o f m y o w n r o o m , m y o w n b e d . I'll s i m p l y c l i m b
b a c k i n t o it, n o m a t t e r w h o ' s t h e r e . '
R u t h w a s h a p p y enough with the arrangement. She hugged
t h e k n o w l e d g e o f h e r s e c r e t love t o h e r h e a r t , a n d felt h e a l e d ,
a n d a g r e a t d e a l m o r e like e v e r y o n e else, j u s t t a l l e r , w h i c h
d i d n ' t a f t e r all notice w h e n she was lying d o w n . W h e n her
s t e p - f a t h e r ' s n e w wife r a n g a t C h r i s t m a s t o see h o w s h e
w a s g e t t i n g o n s h e w a s a b l e to r e p l y , w i t h t r u t h , t h a t s h e
w a s g e t t i n g o n p e r f e c t l y well, t h u s e n a b l i n g t h e g u i l t y
couple to forget her properly. R u t h ' s m o t h e r presently wrote
t o s a y t h i s w o u l d b e t h e last l e t t e r e v e r , s i n c e h e r n e w
h u s b a n d w i s h e d h e r to p u t h e r p a s t b e h i n d h e r , a n d they
b o t h n o w b e l o n g e d to a w o n d e r f u l n e w religion w h i c h req u i r e d total o b e d i e n c e f r o m the wife to the h u s b a n d . In such
a c q u i e s c e n c e , w r o t e R u t h ' s m o t h e r , lay p e a c e . S h e g a v e h e r
b l e s s i n g ( a n d t h e M a s t e r ' s t o o , for s h e h a d b e e n a l l o w e d t o
consult him personally a b o u t R u t h : the M a s t e r was the
O n e n e s s ' s r e p r e s e n t a t i v e on this e a r t h as the wife w a s the
h u s b a n d ' s representative) a n d was thankful that R u t h was
n o w f u l l y g r o w n a n d a b l e t o look a f t e r herself. S h e w a s m o r e
29
w o r r i e d a b o u t M i r a n d a a n d J o c e l y n , w h o w e r e still so y o u n g ,
b u t t h e M a s t e r h a d t o l d h e r e v e r y t h i n g w o u l d b e all right.
T h i s l e t t e r w a s a last, final, loving g o o d b y e .
' O u r p a r e n t s , ' s a i d B o b b o , ' a r e s e n t t o t r y us!' H e e n j o y e d
R u t h ' s d e p e n d e n c e u p o n him: the w a y h e r dark, deep, bright
e y e s f o l l o w e d h i m a b o u t t h e r o o m . H e l o v e d t o s l e e p w i t h her;
s h e w a s a w a r m , d a r k , e t e r n a l s a n c t u a r y a n d if t h e light w a s
o n h e c o u l d a l w a y s s h u t h i s eyes.
' P e r h a p s t h e y ' l l g e t m a r r i e d , ' s a i d B r e n d a to A n g u s , ' a n d
both move out.'
R u t h u s e d u p r a t h e r m o r e h o t w a t e r t h a n B r e n d a h a d a n t i c i - .;
p a t e d , e s p e c i a l l y in t h e b a t h . I n h o t e l s h o t w a t e r c o m e s free,
o r a p p e a r s to.
' I h a r d l y t h i n k s o , ' s a i d A n g u s . ' A b o y like B o b b o n e e d s to
m a r r y wisely, with a n eye to m o n e y a n d connections.'
' I h a d n e i t h e r , ' said B r e n d a , ' a n d yet you m a r r i e d me!' A n d
t h e y kissed, longing to be alone together, to be without the
younger generation.
B o b b o w e n t b a c k t o college, p a s s e d t h e last of his a c c o u n t a n c y
e x a m s , c a m e h o m e a n d contracted hepatitis. R u t h found
that she was pregnant.
' T h e y ' l l h a v e t o g e t m a r r i e d , ' said B r e n d a . ' I ' m f a r t o o o l d to
b e n u r s i n g a n i n v a l i d . ' R u t h w a s s l e e p i n g o n t h e sofa w h i l e •
B o b b o w a s ill, a n d h a d b r o k e n its s p r i n g s .
' M a r r i a g e ! ' said Bobbo, appalled.
' S h e ' s a p e a c h a m o n g s t w o m e n , ' said B r e n d a . 'I d o n ' t know
h o w y o u r f a t h e r will m a n a g e w i t h o u t h e r . S h e ' s efficient a n d
c o n s c i e n t i o u s a n d good.'
' B u t w h a t will p e o p l e say?'
B r e n d a p r e t e n d e d n o t t o h e a r a n d p u t t h e h o u s e u p for sale.
S h e a n d A n g u s were m o v i n g back into a n hotel, now Bobbo
c o u l d s t a n d o n his o w n feet. A u d r e y S i n g e r a n n o u n c e d h e r
e n g a g e m e n t to a n o t h e r . B o b b o d r a n k h a l f a bottle of whisky.
30
h a d a b a d r e l a p s e , a n d m a r r i e d R u t h w h e n s h e w a s five
m o n t h s p r e g n a n t . H e p a t i t i s is a d e p r e s s i n g a n d d e b i l i t a t i n g
illness, a n d it s e e m e d t o B o b b o , a t t h e t i m e , t h a t h i s m o t h e r
w a s r i g h t a n d o n e wife w a s m u c h like a n o t h e r . T h e g r e a t
a d v a n t a g e o f R u t h w a s t h a t s h e w a s there.
R u t h w o r e a w h i t e satin w e d d i n g gown to the Register Office
a n d B o b b o realised perhaps he was wrong. T h e r e could be a
c o n s i d e r a b l e d i f f e r e n c e b e t w e e n o n e wife a n d a n o t h e r . H e
t h o u g h t h e saw people sniggering. As soon as the b a b y was
born, she conceived the next.
A f t e r t h a t B o b b o insisted t h a t R u t h s h o u l d w e a r a coil a n d
l o o k e d a r o u n d f o r m o r e s u i t a b l e r e c i p i e n t s o f his a f f e c t i o n
a n d s e x u a l e n e r g y . A s t h e e f f e c t s of h e p a t i t i s f a d e d , h e f o u n d
t h e m e a s i l y e n o u g h . H e d i d n o t like t o b e d i s h o n e s t or
h y p o c r i t i c a l a n d w o u l d a l w a y s tell R u t h w h a t h a d h a p p e n e d
a n d w h a t w o u l d h a p p e n n e x t , if h e c o u l d m a n a g e it. H e told
h e r t h a t s h e t o o w a s f r e e to e x p e r i m e n t s e x u a l l y .
' W e ' l l h a v e a n o p e n m a r r i a g e , ' h e ' d told h e r b e f o r e t h e y w e r e
m a r r i e d . S h e w a s f o u r m o n t h s i n t o p r e g n a n c y a n d still b e i n g
r a t h e r sick.
' O f course,' she said. ' W h a t does that mean?'
' T h a t w e m u s t b o t h live o u r lives t o t h e full a n d a l w a v s b e
h o n e s t w i t h e a c h o t h e r . M a r r i a g e m u s t s u r r o u n d o u r lives,
n o t c i r c u m v e n t t h e m . W e m u s t see it as a s t a r t i n g p o i n t , n o t a
finishing
line.'
S h e ' d n o d d e d in a g r e e m e n t . S o m e t i m e s , to s t o p herself b e i n g
sick, s h e w o u l d h o l d h e r m o u t h t o g e t h e r w i t h h e r fingers. S h e
d i d it n o w , w h i l e h e t a l k e d a b o u t p e r s o n a l f r e e d o m . H e w i s h e d
she wouldn't.
T r u e l o v e i s n ' t p o s s e s s i v e , ' h e e x p l a i n e d to h e r . ' N o t o u r
k i n d o f d o m e s t i c , p e r m a n e n t love. J e a l o u s y , a s e v e r y o n e
k n o w s , is a m e a n a n d i g n o b l e e m o t i o n . '
3'
She h a d a g r e e d a n d r u n to the b a t h r o o m .
P r e s e n t l y , r a t h e r to his d i s m a y , h e f o u n d the p l e a s u r e of
sexual e x p e r i m e n t e n h a n c e d by the knowledge that he would
e v e n t u a l l y r e p o r t it t o h i s w i f e . H e s t o o d o u t s i d e h i s o w n b o d y
a s w i t n e s s to erotic e v e n t s . It m a d e t h e e x c i t e m e n t greater
a n d t h e r e s p o n s i b i l i t y l e s s , s i n c e h e c o u l d s h a r e it w i t h R u t h .
I t w a s o b v i o u s t o b o t h o f t h e m t h a t it w a s R u t h ' s b o d y w h i c h
w a s a t f a u l t , for w h a t s h e s a w a s difficulties a n d h e d i d not.
H e h a d m a r r i e d it p e r f o r c e a n d i n e r r o r a n d w o u l d d o h i s
e s s e n t i a l d u t i e s b y it, b u t h e w o u l d n e v e r b e r e c o n c i l e d t o its
e n o r m i t y , a n d R u t h k n e w it.
O n l y his p a r e n t s s e e m e d to expect h i m to be faithful a n d
k i n d , a s A n g u s w a s to B r e n d a a n d B r e n d a to A n g u s . T h e y
t r e a t e d B o b b o a n d R u t h as p r o p e r h u s b a n d a n d wife; not
s o m e h o w accidentally espoused.
R u t h h a d wheeled the babies' p r a m a r o u n d the park and
t a k e n c o m f o r t f r o m licks of t h e i r ice lollies a n d r e a d r o m a n t i c
novels, a m o n g s t them those by M a r y Fisher; a n d Bobbo had
got o n in the world.
S h o r t l y a f t e r they h a d m o v e d in to E d e n G r o v e B o b b o h a d
s e e n M a r y Fisher a c r o s s a c r o w d e d r o o m at his o w n parts
a n d s h e h a d seen h i m a n d said ' L e t m e b e y o u r client."
j
£
i
A n d h e h a d said -
'At once.'
- A n d the past paled for Bobbo, including even the agony j
a n d e c s t a s y o f A u d r e y S i n g e r , a n d t h e p r e s e n t b e c a m e ail j
p o w e r f u l a n d t h e f u t u r e lull o f w o n d e r f u l a n d d a n g e r o u s f |
mvsterv.
I his w a s how the alfair began. B o b b o a n d Ruth gave M a r . 2
H s h e r a lilt h o m e f r o m t h e p a r t y . M a r y F i s h e r h a d p a r k e d '
l e r R o l l s - R o y c e i m p e t u o u s l y , t h e s o o n e r t o e n j o y h e r s e l f , bill j
u n f o r t u n a t e l y , for s h e h a d o b s t r u c t e d t h e flow o f city traffic,
a n d w h i l e s h e flickered a n d g l i t t e r e d a t h e r h o s t , t h e police
a r r i v e d to tow t h e vehicle a w a y .
She would,
m o r n i n g to
sr.id, c o u l d
were on her
' O f course!'
s h e s a i d , s e n d h e r m a n s e r v a n t G a r c i a in t h e
r e t r i e v e t h e foolish t h i n g . I n t h e m e a n t i m e , s h e
B o b b o a n d R u t h g i v e h e r a lift b a c k , s i n c e they
way home?
cried Bobbo. ' O f course.'
R u t h t h o u g h t t h a t M a r y F i s h e r s o m e h o w m e a n t she w a s o n
their w a y h o m e , b u t w h e n B o b b o s t o p p e d o n t h e c o r n e r of
E d e n A v e n u e a n d N i g h t b i r d D r i v e t o d r o p R u t h ofT, realised
her mistake.
' A t l e a s t t a k e h e r t o t h e d o o r , ' p r o t e s t e d M a r y F i s h e r , in a n
a c t o f c o n d e s c e n s i o n w h i c h R u t h w a s n e v e r to forgive, b u t
B o b b o said, l a u g h i n g ' I d o n ' t t h i n k R u t h is a n a t u r a l r a p e v i c t i m , s o m e h o w . A r e
y o u , d a r l i n g ! ' a n d R u t h s a i d , loyally, ' I ' l l b e p e r f e c t l y all
r i g h t , M i s s F i s h e r . I t ' s j u s t t h a t w e live in a d e a d e n d a n d
r e v e r s i n g ' s s o d i f f i c u l t in t h e d a r k ! A n d w e ' v e left t h e c h i l d r e n
w i t h o u t a b a b y - s i t t e r : I r e a l l y m u s t g e t b a c k a s s o o n as
possible.'
B u t t h e y w e r e n ' t l i s t e n i n g , so s h e g o t o u t of t h e b a c k - M a r y
F i s h e r w a s in t h e f r o n t , n e x t to B o b b o - a n d b e f o r e t h e d o o r
s h u t h e a r d M a r y F i s h e r s a y - ' Y o u ' l l n e v e r f o r g i v e m e . I live
ever s u c h a w a y a w a y . Almost to the coast. Actually, on the
coast itself,' a n d B o b b o said - ' D o you think 1 d i d n ' t know
t h a t ? ' a n d t h e d o o r closed a n d t h e r e R u t h w a s , s t a n d i n g in
t h e d a r k , w h i l e t h e c a r z o o m e d a w a y , a n d t h e p o w e r f u l red
f
e a r l i g h t s s h o t o f f i n t o b l a c k n e s s . B o b b o n e v e r d r o v e like
that with her: thrum, t h r u m ! And she never caused Bobbo
a n y i n c o n v e n i e n c e : n e v e r a s k e d for a lift h e r e , o r a n e r r a n d
t h e r e : h e a l w a y s m a d e s u c h a f u s s if s h e d i d . H o w d i d M a r y
I' i s h e r d a r e ? A n d w h y d i d h e r p r e s u m p t i o n c h a r m h i m , a n d
'tot ofl'end h i m ? A lift to t h e coast w h i l e R u t h w o u l d w a l k in
t h e r a i n , r a t h e r t h a n delay B o b b o fifteen s e c o n d s .
33
S h e w e n t h o m e a n d t h o u g h t a b o u t it, l y i n g a w a k e all n i g h t ,
a n d o f c o u r s e B o b b o d i d n o t c o m e h o m e , a n d in t h e m o r n i n g
R u t h s h o u t e d a t t h e c h i l d r e n , a n d t h e n told h e r s e l f it w a s n ' t
fair to take h e r distress out on t h e m , a n d got herself u n d e r
control, a n d ate four toasted muffins with apricot j a m when
t h e house w a s quiet a n d she was alone.
B o b b o c a m e h o m e very tired a n d missed d i n n e r a n d w e n t
s t r a i g h t t o b e d a n d fell a s l e e p a n d d i d n ' t w a k e u n t i l s e v e n t h e
n e x t m o r n i n g w h e n h e s a i d , ' N o w I k n o w w h a t love is,' a n d
g o t u p a n d d r e s s e d , s t a r i n g a t h i m s e l f in t h e m i r r o r as if h e
s a w s o m e t h i n g new there. H e was a w a y the next night, a n d
a f t e r t h a t t w o o r t h r e e nights every week.
S o m e t i m e s h e ' d s a y h e w a s w o r k i n g l a t e a n d s t a y i n g o v e r in
t o w n ; b u t s o m e t i m e s , if h e w a s v e r y t i r e d o r v e r y e l a t e d ,
w o u l d c o n f i d e t h a t h e ' d b e e n with M a r y Fisher, a n d he'd talk
a b o u t the d i n n e r guests - famous people, rich people, w h o m
e v e n R u t h h a d h e a r d of — a n d w h a t there'd b e e n to eat, a n d
t h e witty, c h a r m i n g , n a u g h t y things M a r y Fisher had said,
a n d t h e d r e s s s h e ' d w o r n , a n d w h a t it w a s like a f t e r w a r d s ,
w h e n a t l a s t h e c o u l d t a k e it o f F ' R u t h , ' h e ' d s a y , ' y o u ' r e m y f r i e n d ; y o u m u s t w i s h m e well, in
t h i s . L i f e is s o s h o r t . D o n ' t b e g r u d g e m e this e x p e r i e n c e , this
love. I w o n ' t leave you; you m u s t n ' t worry, you d o n ' t deserve
t o b e left; y o u a r e t h e m o t h e r of m y c h i l d r e n : b e p a t i e n t , it will
p a s s . I f it h u r t s y o u , I ' m s o r r y . B u t let m e s h a r e it w i t h y o u , a t
least - '
R u t h s m i l e d , a n d l i s t e n e d , a n d w a i t e d , a n d it d i d n ' t p a s s .
S h e w o n d e r e d , in t h e q u i e t d a y s , a b o u t t h e n a t u r e of w o m e n
w h o c a r e d s o little for w i v e s .
' O n e d a y , ' s h e s a i d , ' y o u m u s t t a k e m e to d i n n e r at t h e H i g h
T o w e r . D o n ' t t h e y find it s t r a n g e t h a t y o u r w i f e is n e v e r
there?'
' T h e y ' r e not y o u r sort of people,' B o b b o said. 'Writers and
a r t i s t s a n d t h i n g s like t h a t . A n d n o o n e w h o ' s a n y o n e gets
married, these days.'
34
B u t h e m u s t h a v e p a s s e d t h e r e m a r k o n t o M a r y F i s h e r , for
p r e s e n t l y R u t h w a s asked to the High T o w e r . T h e r e were
o n l y t w o o t h e r g u e s t s : t h e local s o l i c i t o r a n d h i s wife a n d b o t h
e l d e r l y . M a r y F i s h e r s a i d t h e o t h e r s h a d c a n c e l l e d a t t h e last
m o m e n t b u t R u t h d i d not believe her.
B o b b o h a d d o n e his best to s t o p M a r y Fisher issuing a n
invitation to R u t h , b u t h a d failed.
' I f s h e ' s p a r t o f y o u r life, d a r l i n g , ' s a i d M a r y F i s h e r , ' I w a n t
h e r t o b e p a r t o f m i n e . I w a n t t o m e e t h e r p r o p e r l y , n o t j u s t as
s o m e o n e y o u d i s c a r d e d o n a s t r e e t c o r n e r in t h e m i d d l e of t h e
n i g h t . N o n e o f m y h e r o i n e s w o u l d s t a n d for t h a t ! I'll tell y o u
w h a t I ' l l d o . W e ' l l m a k e it o n e o f t h e d u t y d i n n e r s , n o t t h e f u n
ones.'
S o m e t i m e s B o b b o a s k e d M a r y F i s h e r w h y s h e loved h i m .
M a r y F i s h e r s a i d it w a s b e c a u s e h e w a s l o v e r a n d f a t h e r a n d
w h a t w a s f o r b i d d e n a n d w h a t w a s a l l o w e d all rolled i n t o o n e ,
a n d a n y w a y l o v e w a s m y s t e r i o u s , a n d C u p i d w a s wilful a n d
w h y d i d h e w a n t t o k n o w , c o u l d n ' t h e j u s t accept?
B o b b o d i d . R u t h c a m e to d i n n e r . S h e ' d t r i p p e d a n d b l u s h e d
a n d t h e h a i r s o n h e r u p p e r l i p a n d c h i n c a u g h t t h e light a t
d i n n e r : she h a d spilled w i n e o n the tablecloth a n d said the
wrong things to the wrong people, surprising and upsetting
things.
' D o n ' t y o u t h i n k , ' s h e ' d s a i d to t h e s o l i c i t o r , ' t h a t t h e m o r e
p o l i c e t h e r e a r e t h e m o r e c r i m e t h e r e is?'
' Y o u m e a n , ' h e ' d s a i d , k i n d l y , ' t h e m o r e p o l i c e , t h e less
crime. Surely.'
' N o , n o t s u r e l y a t all,' s a i d R u t h , e x c i t e d l y , s p i n a c h q u i c h e
s l o b b e r i n g d o w n h e r chin, a n d B o b b o h a d to silence her with
a kick u n d e r t h e t a b l e .
S o m e t i m e s B o b b o t h o u g h t t h a t R u t h w a s m a d . It w a s n ' t j u s t
t h a t s h e d i d n ' t look like o t h e r p e o p l e : s h e c o u l d n ' t be relied
u p o n to act like t h e m either.
B o b b o feared t h a t since M a r y h a d p r o p e r l y m e t R u t h she
n a d c o o l e d a little t o w a r d s h i m . It d i d n o o n e a n y g o o d to
35
b e a s s o c i a t e d w i t h the u n h a p p y a n d u n f o r t u n a t e . Love,
s u c c e s s , e n e r g y , h e a l t h , h a p p i n e s s w e n t r o u n d in a closed
circle, s e l f - p e r p e t u a t i n g a n d self-energising, b u t precariously
b a l a n c e d . A l t e r o n e s p o k e of t h e w h e e l a n d t h e w h o l e m a c h i n e
c o u l d f a l t e r a n d s t o p . G o o d f o r t u n e s o easily t u r n s t o b a d !
A n d n o w h e loved M a r y Fisher a n d h e loved M a r y Fisher
a n d h e l o v e d M a r y F i s h e r a n d his p a r e n t s h a d c o m e to
d i n n e r a n d his wife had w e p t and m a d e a scene, and thrown
t h e d i n n e r a b o u t a n d h e d i d n o t like h e r a t all. R u t h s t o o d
b e t w e e n h i m a n d h a p p i n e s s : full s q u a r e ! A n d in all t h e
h i s t o r y of m a r r i a g e h a d t h e r e e v e r b e e n s u c h f u l l - s q u a r e d n e s s ?
B o b b o h a d s a i d t o M a r y F i s h e r , ' M a r y , d o n ' t y o u feel guilty
a b o u t h a v i n g a n affair with a married man?'
A n d M a r y h a d said, 'Is that w h a t w e ' r e having, a n affair?'
a n d h i s h e a r t h a d p o u n d e d in t e r r o r , u n t i l s h e ' d a d d e d , ' I
t h o u g h t it w a s m o r e t h a n t h a t . It feels like m o r e t h a n t h a t ! I t
f e e l s like f o r e v e r , ' s o t h a t j o y h a d s i l e n c e d h i m , a n d s h e ' d
g o n e o n t o s a y , ' G u i l t y ? N o . L o v e is o u t s i d e o u r c o n t r o l . W e
fell i n love: it is n o o n e ' s f a u l t . N o t y o u r s . N o t m i n e . A n d I
s u p p o s e b e c a u s e R u t h e x p e c t s n o t h i n g , s h e will n e v e r h a v e
a n y t h i n g . W e c a n ' t s p o i l o u r lives b e c a u s e s h e w a s b o r n w i t h
s o l i t t l e j o y . Y o u a c t e d o u t of k i n d n e s s w h e n y o u m a r r i e d h e r ,
a n d I l o v e y o u for it, b u t n o w , m y love, b e k i n d t o m e . L i v e
w i t h m e . H e r e , n o w , for e v e r ! '
' A n d the children?'
' T h e y a r e R u t h ' s c r o w n , a n d her jewels. T h e y are her comfort.
S h e is s o l u c k y . I h a v e n o c h i l d r e n . I h a v e n o o n e e x c e p t
you.'
S h e s a i d w h a t h e w a n t e d t o h e a r . It w a s e n t r a n c i n g . A n d n o w
h e s a t a t a s u b u r b a n table, with his m o t h e r , his father, a n d
his p a s t a n d t h o u g h t of M a r y Fisher, a n d h o w she needed
h i m , a n d l o n g e d f o r a f u t u r e , a n d R u t h c a m e in a t last w i t h
the soup tureen.
R u t h ' s b r a v e smile faltered over t h e soup. H e r parents-inl a w s t a r e d u p a t h e r in c a l m a n d p l e a s a n t a n t i c i p a t i o n . A n d
R u t h g a z e d a t t h e t h r e e d o g h a i r s in t h a t g r e y i s h f o a m w h i c h
36
is g o o d m u s h r o o m s o u p , t h i c k e n e d by c r e a m a n d p u t t h r o u g h
the blender.
T h e d o g ' s n a m e w a s H a r n e s s . B o b b o h a d b o u g h t h i m for
A n d y o n A n d y ' s eighth b i r t h d a y . R u t h looked after him.
H a r n e s s d i d n o t like R u t h . H e s a w h e r a s a g i a n t e s s , a n
a f f r o n t t o t h e n a t u r a l o r d e r o f t h i n g s . H e a c c e p t e d t h e food
s h e g a v e h i m , b u t h e s l e p t w h e r e s h e told h i m n o t to, s l u n k
u n d e r c u p b o a r d s a n d snapped at searching hands, chewed
t h e u p h o l s t e r y a n d set u p a d i n if left a n y w h e r e h e d i d n o t
w a n t to be. H e s h e d hairs, stole food, a t e b u t t e r by the p o u n d
( w h e n h e c o u l d find it) a n d v o m i t e d it u p d i r e c t l y . B o b b o , o n
t h o s e S u n d a y s h e w a s a t h o m e , loved t o g o w a l k i n g w i t h
H a r n e s s in t h e p a r k , a n d A n d y w o u l d g o too, a n d f a t h e r a n d
s o n w o u l d feel h a p p y a n d o r d i n a r y a n d c o m f o r t a b l e . R u t h
w o u l d stay b e h i n d , r e m o v i n g d o g a n d cat hairs from fabric of
one kind or a n o t h e r with a special v a c u u m brush, battery
p o w e r e d . S h e d i d n o t like H a r n e s s .
' D o n ' t let t h e s o u p g e t c o l d , R u t h , ' s a i d B o b b o , as if this w a s
her usual habit.
' H a i r s ! ' w a s all R u t h s a i d .
' I t ' s a nice clean d o g , ' said B r e n d a . ' W e d o n ' t m i n d , d o we,
Angus?'
' O f course not,' said Angus, w h o did. As a child Bobbo h a d
always w a n t e d a dog, and Angus had always prevented him
from having one.
' C a n ' t you e v e n k e e p the d o g o u t of the soup?' asked B o b b o .
It w a s t h e w r o n g t h i n g to s a y , a n d h e k n e w it a s s o o n as it w a s
s a i d . H e d i d t r y n o t t o s a y ' c a n ' t y o u e v e n ' t o R u t h , b u t it d i d
slip o u t w h e n e v e r h e w a s f e e l i n g a t o d d s w i t h h e r , w h i c h of
late h a d been m o r e a n d more.
T e a r s a p p e a r e d in R u t h ' s e y e s . S h e p i c k e d u p t h e s o u p
tureen.
37
' I ' l l s i e v e it,' s h e s a i d .
' W h a t a good idea!' said Brenda. ' T h e n no h a r m ' s done.'
' B r i n g t h e s o u p b a c k a t o n c e , ' c r i e d B o b b o . ' D o n ' t be s o silly,
R u t h . I t i s n ' t a d i s a s t e r . I t ' s t h r e e d o g h a i r s . J u s t pick t h e m
out.'
' B u t they m i g h t be the guinea pig's,' said R u t h . ' H e was
r u n n i n g a l o n g t h e d r e s s e r shelf.' S h e liked t h e g u i n e a p i g
l e a s t o f all t h e c h i l d r e n ' s p e t s . I t s s h o u l d e r s w e r e t o o h u n c h e d
a n d i t s e y e s t o o d e e p . It r e m i n d e d h e r of h e r s e l f .
' Y o u ' r e tired,' said Bobbo. 'You m u s t be tired, or you
w o u l d n ' t t a l k s u c h n o n s e n s e . Sit d o w n . '
' L e t h e r s i e v e t h e s o u p , d e a r , ' s a i d B r e n d a , 'if it's w h a t s h e
wants.'
R u t h got as far as the doorway. T h e n she turned back.
' H e d o e s n ' t c a r e w h e t h e r I ' m tired or not,' R u t h said. ' H e
d o e s n ' t think of m e a n y more. H e only ever thinks about
M a r y Fisher; y o u k n o w , the writer. S h e ' s his mistress.'
B o b b o w a s s h o c k e d b y this i n d i s c r e t i o n , t h i s disloyalty,
b u t also gratified. R u t h was not to be trusted. H e ' d always
k n o w n it.
' R u t h , ' h e s a i d , ' i t ' s v e r y u n f a i r to m y p a r e n t s t o involve t h e m
in o u r f a m i l y p r o b l e m s . I t ' s n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h t h e m . H a v e
p i t y , will y o u , f o r o n c e , o n t h e h e l p l e s s b y s t a n d e r s . '
' B u t it is s o m e t h i n g t o d o w i t h m e , ' s a i d B r e n d a . 'Your
f a t h e r n e v e r b e h a v e d like t h a t ; I d o n ' t k n o w w h e r e y o u get
it f r o m . '
' K i n d l y r e s p e c t m y p r i v a c y , m o t h e r , ' s a i d B o b b o . ' I t ' s the
least you c a n d o after the childhood I led.'
38
' A n d w h a t was the m a t t e r with your childhood?' d e m a n d e d
B r e n d a , t u r n i n g quite pink.
' Y o u r m o t h e r ' s right,' said A n g u s . 'I think you should
a p o l o g i s e t o h e r for t h a t . B u t f a i r ' s fair, B r e n d a , I t h i n k y o u
s h o u l d l e a v e t h e y o u n g p e o p l e t o s o r t t h i n g s o u t in t h e i r o w n
way.'
' F a t h e r , ' s a i d B o b b o , 'it w a s j u s t t h a t k i n d o f a t t i t u d e in y o u
t h a t g a v e m e o n e of the most a p p a l l i n g c h i l d h o o d s a n y child
could have.'
M a r y F i s h e r h a d lately b e e n e x p l a i n i n g t h e r o o t s o f his
u n h a p p i n e s s to him.
'I n e v e r m a d e y o u r m o t h e r u n h a p p y , ' said A n g u s . 'Say w h a t
y o u like a b o u t m e , b u t I n e v e r d e l i b e r a t e l y d i d h a r m t o a n y
woman.'
' T h e n all I c a n s a y is,' s a i d B r e n d a , ' y o u d i d it b y a c c i d e n t . '
' W o m e n are always imagining things,' said Angus.
' E s p e c i a l l y R u t h , ' s a i d B o b b o . ' M a r y F i s h e r is o n e of m y b e s t
clients. I ' m v e r y l u c k y t o h a v e h e r o n m y b o o k s . I c e r t a i n l y
value her b o t h as a creative person - she's remarkably
t a l e n t e d — a n d I like to t h i n k a s a f r i e n d , b u t I ' m a f r a i d o u r
Ruth has a suspicious mind!'
R u t h l o o k e d f r o m o n e p a r e n t - i n - l a w to t h e o t h e r a n d t h e n a t
her h u s b a n d a n d d r o p p e d t h e t u r e e n o f m u s h r o o m s o u p ,
w h i c h flowed o v e r t h e m e t a l r i m w h e r e t h e tiles s t o p p e d a n d
the c a r p e t b e g a n , a n d t h e c h i l d r e n a n d t h e a n i m a l s r e t u r n e d ,
s u m m o n s e d b y t h e s o u n d of n e w d i s a s t e r . R u t h t h o u g h t t h a t
Harness was laughing.
P e r h a p s R u t h o u g h t to get o u t a n d get a j o b , ' s a i d A n g u s , o n
ls
k n e e s o n t h e floor, s p o o n i n g s o u p b a c k i n t o a Ixiwl. b u t
ess
f a s t t h a n t h e c a r p e t a b s o r b e d it, so t h a t h e h a d to p r e s s
39
t h e s p o o n h a r d i n t o t h e pile to e x t r a c t t h e p r e c i o u s g r e y
l i q u i d . ' K e e p h e r s e l f b u s y : less p r o n e t o i m a g i n i n g t h i n g s . '
' T h e r e are n o j o b s , ' R u t h p o i n t e d o u t .
' N o n s e n s e , ' s a i d A n g u s . ' A n y o n e w h o really w a n t s o n e c a n
get one.'
' T h a t ' s n o t t r u e , ' s a i d B r e n d a . ' W h a t w i t h i n f l a t i o n , recession
a n d s o o n . . . Y o u d o n ' t m e a n us t o eat t h a t , d o y o u , A n g u s ? '
' W a s t e not, w a n t not,' said Angus.
B o b b o w i s h e d t o b e f a r , f a r a w a y , w i t h M a r y Fisher, to h e a r
h e r b u b b l y l a u g h , h o l d h e r p a l e h a n d a n d p u t h e r little fingers
o n e b y o n e i n t o h i s m o u t h until h e r b r e a t h i n g q u i c k e n e d a n d
s h e w e t h e r o w n lips w i t h h e r p i n k , p i n k t o n g u e .
N i c o l a k i c k e d t h e c a t , w h o s e n a m e w a s M e r c y , o u t of t h e
w a y , a n d t h e cat w e n t straight to the grate a n d squatted,
c r a p p i n g its r e v e n g e , a n d B r e n d a w a i l e d a n d p o i n t e d at
M e r c y , a n d H a r n e s s b e c a m e over-excited a n d leapt up
a g a i n s t A n d y in s e m i - s e x u a l a s s a u l t , a n d R u t h j u s t stood
t h e r e , a g i a n t e s s , a n d d i d n o t h i n g , a n d B o b b o lost his t e m p e r .
' S e e h o w I h a v e t o live!' H e s h o u t e d . ' I t ' s a l w a y s like this. M y
w i f e c r e a t e s h a v o c a n d d e s t r u c t i o n all r o u n d : s h e d e s t r o y s
everyone's happiness!'
' W h y w o n ' t y o u love me?' wailed R u t h .
' H o w c a n o n e l o v e , ' s h o u t e d B o b b o , ' w h a t is essentially
unlovable?'
' Y o u ' r e b o t h u p s e t , ' s a i d A n g u s , g i v i n g u p t h e s o u p to the
c a r p e t . ' Y o u ' v e been working too h a r d . '
' I t ' s a lot f o r a w o m a n , ' s a i d B r e n d a . ' T w o g r o w i n
A n d you w e r e n e v e r easy, even as a boy, Bobbo.'
40
g
children!
'I w a s perfectly easy,' yelled B o b b o . ' Y o u j u s t resented every
m o m e n t you spent on me.'
' C o m e along, B r e n d a , ' said Angus. 'Least said,
m e n d e d . We'll eat out.'
soonest
' A g o o d idea,' s h o u t e d Bobbo, 'since m y wife has already
t h r o w n y o u r m a i n c o u r s e o n t h e floor.'
' T e m p e r , t e m p e r , ' s a i d B r e n d a . ' I n L o s A n g e l e s they b u i l d
h o u s e s w i t h o u t k i t c h e n s , b e c a u s e n o b o d y b o t h e r s to cook.
A n d q u i t e right too.'
' B u t I s p e n t all d a y d o i n g t h i s , ' s o b b e d R u t h . ' A n d n o w n o
o n e ' s g o i n g t o e a t it.'
' B e c a u s e it's u n e a t a b l e ! ' s h o u t e d B o b b o . ' W h y a m I a l w a y s
s u r r o u n d e d by w o m e n w h o c a n ' t cook?'
' I ' l l r i n g y o u in t h e m o r n i n g , p e t , ' s a i d B r e n d a t o R u t h . ' Y o u
h a v e a n i c e b a t h a n d get a g o o d n i g h t ' s s l e e p . Y o u ' l l feel
better then.'
' I s h a l l n e v e r f o r g i v e y o u for b e i n g so r u d e t o m y m o t h e r , '
said B o b b o t o R u t h , coldly, a n d l o u d e n o u g h for his m o t h e r
to h e a r .
' D o n ' t you g o p u t t i n g the b l a m e on her,' said B r e n d a ,
c u n n i n g l y . ' I t w a s y o u w h o w a s r u d e , n o t h e r . I a m a perfectly
good c o o k , I j u s t d o n ' t c a r e t o d o it.'
Marriage isn't easy,' remarked Angus, putting on his coat.
It's like parenthood, something people have to work at.
Of course, usually it's left to one partner rather than the
other.'
c e r t a i n l y is!' s a i d B r e n d a m e a n i n g f u l l y , d r a w i n g o n h e r
s oves. S h e w a s n o t f o c u s i n g p r o p e r l y : s h e h a d f o r g o t t e n t o
Put a n t i - p e r s p i r a n t u n d e r h e r r i g h t a r m , a n d h e r p r e t t y t a n
3'
b l o u s e w a s b e g i n n i n g to show a single d a r k u n d e r - a r m stain.
S h e h a d a l o p - s i d e d look.
' N o w d o y o u see w h a t ' s h a p p e n i n g ? ' B o b b o t u r n e d o n R u t h .
' Y o u ' v e e v e n set m y p a r e n t s q u a r r e l l i n g ! I f y o u see h a p p i n e s s
y o u h a v e t o d e s t r o y it. I t ' s t h e k i n d o f w o m a n y o u a r e . '
B r e n d a a n d A n g u s left. T h e y w a l k e d a w a y d o w n t h e p a t h ,
s i d e b y s i d e b u t n o t t o u c h i n g . D o m e s t i c strife is c a t c h i n g .
H a p p y c o u p l e s d o w e l l t o a v o i d t h e c o m p a n y of t h e u n h a p p y .
R u t h w e n t into t h e b a t h r o o m a n d locked the door. A n d y
a n d N i c o l a took t h e c h o c o l a t e m o u s s e f r o m t h e f r i d g e a n d I
s h a r e d it.
' I t w o u l d s e r v e y o u r i g h t if I w e n t t o s e e M a r y , ' s a i d B o b b o
t o R u t h , t h r o u g h t h e k e y h o l e . ' Y o u h a v e w o r k e d t e r r i b l e jj
mischief here tonight! Y o u have upset m y parents, you have
upset y o u r children, a n d you have upset me. Even the animals •
w e r e a f f e c t e d . I s e e y o u a t last a s y o u r e a l l y a r e . Y o u a r e a
t h i r d - r a t e p e r s o n . Y o u a r e a b a d m o t h e r , a w o r s e wife a n d a
d r e a d f u l c o o k . I n f a c t I d o n ' t t h i n k y o u a r e a w o m a n a t all. I $
t h i n k t h a t w h a t y o u a r e is a s h e - d e v i l ! '
I t s e e m e d t o h i m , w h e n h e s a i d this, t h a t t h e r e w a s a c h a n g e
in t h e t e x t u r e o f t h e s i l e n c e t h a t c a m e f r o m t h e o t h e r s i d e o f :
the d o o r ; he t h o u g h t p e r h a p s h e h a d shocked her into subm i s s i o n a n d a p o l o g y : b u t t h o u g h h e k n o c k e d a n d b a n g e d she
still d i d n o t c o m e o u t .
I
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I
7
So. I s e e . I t h o u g h t I w a s a g o o d w i f e t r i e d t e m p o r a r i l y a n d
u n d e r s t a n d a b l y b e y o n d e n d u r a n c e , b u t no. H e s a y s I a m a
she-devil.
I e x p e c t h e is r i g h t . I n f a c t , s i n c e h e d o e s s o well in t h e w o r l d
a n d I d o s o b a d l y , I r e a l l y m u s t a s s u m e h e is right. I a m a
she-devil.
B u t t h i s is w o n d e r f u l ! T h i s is e x h i l a r a t i n g ! If y o u a r e a
s h e - d e v i l t h e m i n d c l e a r s a t o n c e . T h e s p i r i t s rise. T h e r e is n o
s h a m e , n o g u i l t , n o d r e a r y s t r i v i n g t o b e g o o d . T h e r e is only,
in t h e e n d , w h a t y o u want. A n d I c a n t a k e w h a t I w a n t . I a m a
she-devil!
B u t w h a t d o I w a n t ? T h a t of c o u r s e c o u l d b e a d i f f i c u l t y .
W a v e r i n g s a n d h e s i t a t i o n s o n t h i s p a r t i c u l a r p o i n t c a n last
a w h o l e life l o n g - a n d for m o s t p e o p l e u s u a l l y d o . B u t not,
s u r e l y , in t h e c a s e o f s h e - d e v i l s . D o u b t afflicts t h e g o o d , not
the b a d .
I
I
I
I
want
want
want
want
revenge.
power.
money.
t o b e l o v e d a n d n o t l o v e in r e t u r n .
j w a n t t o g i v e h a t e its h e a d . I w a n t h a t e t o d r i v e o u t love, a n d
* w a n t t o f o l l o w h a t e w h e r e it l e a d s : a n d t h e n , w h e n I h a v e
Oone w h a t I w a n t w i t h it, a n d n o t a m i n u t e b e f o r e , I will
f a s t e r it.
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I look a t m y f a c e in t h e b a t h r o o m m i r r o r . I w a n t to see
s o m e t h i n g different.
I t a k e ofT m y c l o t h e s . I s t a n d n a k e d . I look. I w a n t t o be
changed.
N o t h i n g is i m p o s s i b l e , n o t for s h e - d e v i l s .
P e e l a w a y t h e wife, t h e m o t h e r , find t h e w o m a n , a n d t h e r e
t h e s h e - d e v i l is.
Excellent!
G l i t t e r - g l i t t e r . A r e t h o s e m y eyes? T h e y ' r e so b r i g h t t h e y
light up the room.
44