•
SmiOfGNV
S3niOlS l1IOHS
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Copyright
2005 by Harvey Fushman.
Libr.uy ofCongrcss Number.
Hardcover
ISBN :
Softcover
2003096633
J-4134-3066-X
1-4134-3065-1
ｭ｡ｾ＠
be ｲ｣ｾｯ､ｵ＠
or tmnsmiltcd in any form
All rights reserved. No part of this ｢ｯｾ＠
or by any means. electronic or mcchantcal. mcludrng photocopying, recording, Orb
. I system. WI!. hout pcrmtssion
.
in writing frorn they
any information storage an d rctneva
ｾｲｮ
ｹｰ
ｾ＠
ｮ ｧｨ
ｴｯｷｮ｣ｾ＠
This book was printed in the United States of America.
To order additional copies of this book, contact:
Xlibris Corporation
1-888-795-4274
www.XIibris.com
[email protected]
U JIJ
CONTENTS
Foreword ...................................................................................................... 7
Chapter I: One Liners and Shorts ..................................•.......................... 9
Chapter 2: Questions and Answers .......................................................... 17
Chapter 3: Punny Things .......................................................................... 3 5
Chapter 4 : Miscellaneous ......................................................................... 45
Chapter 5: Religion ................................................................................... 67
Chapter 6: Travel ..................................................................................... I 04
Chapter 7: Nations and Peoples ............................................................. I I 0
Chapter 8: Words .................................................................................... I 62
Chapter 9 : Animals ................................................................................. 182
Chapter I 0: Old People ........................................................................... 21 2
Chapter II : Professions .......................................................................... 23 I
Chapter 12: Signs .................................................................................... 267
Chapter 13: Children .............................................................................. 289
Chapter 14: Entertainment Business ..................................................... 305
Chapter 15: Newspaper Headlines ........................................................ 309
Chapter 16: Tin1e ..................................................................................... 3 I 8
Chapter 17: Money ................................................................................. 325
Chapter 18: Work .................................................................................... 328
Chapter 19: Dumb And Really Dumb ................................................... 34 7
Chapter 20: C hristmas ............................................................................ 378
Chapter 21 : Government And Politics ................................................... 386
Chapter 22: School ................................................................................. 4 14
Chapter 23: Computers and Technology .............................................. 423
Chapter 24: Life ...................................................................................... 436
Chapter 25: Drinking and Drugs ........................................................... 461
Chapter 26: Fun Facts ............................................................................. 4 79
Chapter 27: Sports .................................................................................. 498
Chapter 28 : Sweet and Mushy ............................................................... 509
Chapter 29: Men and Women ................................................................ 527
Chapter 30: Sex and Such ...................................................................... 54 7
Chapter 31: Love And Marriage ..............................................•............. 594
Chapter 32: Quotes ................................................................................. 634
FOREWORD
It ....-as over fifteen years ago that the seeds of this book were firM sown. Uron
becoming licensed as a Stockbroker I purchased my first computer in order to better
:.crvc my newfound business and clientele. This was the time before AOL and Instant
Messaging. There were no acquaintances with whom to communicate via the new
Internet medium; but strangers were soon becoming friends . And, str.mgcr still, emails were a new and thrilling phenomenon . At first they were a trickle of puns and
smart-ass tidbits. Then, as computers became more ubiquitous and AOL grew
explosively along with DELL, the trickle turned into a torrent of jokes. aphorisms,
facts and figures; some happy others sad and many more educational.
This book is an organized compilation of all of the anonymous tales and jokes
and facts and many other humorous, and not so humorous. e-mails. They have traversed
countless phone lines and settled on my hard drive .
Some of the yarns arc si mply cute while others arc truly comical. There arc
distinct references to many professions and to nationalities and religions . No one is
spared. Young and old arc lambasted with equal disregard for their feelings, but never
with malice.
The medium of the World Wide Web has been both a boon and a bane to many
people. free-flowing and seemingly endless infom1ation has enriched many peoples'
gcncml knowledge and awareness. Subsequent to the bursting of the dot-corns bubble
many investors lost their new- found financial fortunc.l11rough it all the Internet has
remained constantly growing and free. The uplifting, witty and inforn1ative parables
and 1311 stories contained in this compilation have fullilled the promise of the Internet.
Now, here they all arc, edited and organized, funny and wondrous in one big ami
entertaining book as never before.
This book was compiled by me over many years and is a result of the public's
written interest in the Internet. The quips and anecdotes were received in the form of
forwarded e-mails from anonymous Internet users . The free nature of the Internet is
7
,.
I
HARVEY F USitMAN
such that the sources of the anonymous c-mails that a rc put into the pubt·
.
•c dorn .
and mainstream arc impossible to detcmunc and to ascertain, and none ha
｡Ｑｾ＠
. .
vc so Jv. _
Th is painstaking and lengthy compilation has been herein a rranged and ｾＧＱ
Ｎ Ｑ＠
into subjects that arc presented for the purposes of entertainment and info ｣､Ｌｾ
ｬ＠
only. No independent verification has been made ofthc veracity of any of the r;:ahon l
claims contained in this book and it is suggested that the reader follow his
h cts or
- or cro '
common sense before putting to usc any of the sugges tions put forth in 5.
Wn
0 me ofth
sect ions.
e
Read th is book and simply be e ntertained by it .
8
CHAPTER 1
One Liners and Shorts
Tasteless One-Liners
I.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
2. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
3. One sperm says to the othl!r, "how far is it to the ovaries'!"
l11e other one says, "relax. We just passed the tonsils."
4. What is it when a man talks na.-;ty to a woman?
Sexual harassment .
5. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man'!
$3.99 a minute.
6. What is the definition of"making ｬｯｶ･Ｇｾ
＿＠
Something a woman docs while a guy is fucking her.
7. How arc women and rocks a like?
You skip the nat ones.
8. Did you hear about the new I31onde paint'!
It's not real bright, but it's cheap. and spreads easy.
9. What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. oiT.
I 0 . I low do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
I I . What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
Well-hung.
12. What's another tenn for lesbian?
"Yagitarian."
9
H... RV6 Y FusttMAN
13. Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their. wedding night. l-Ie's on ｦｩｾ＠ ..... Hc gets
jumps into bed. and then starts gropmg her as soon as she climbs in.
ｮ ｡ｾ＠
She says, "Charles. I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you ar
c at thcu,
ｮｾ＠
table."
He sits up, folds his hands on his lap a nd says. "is that better?"
She says. "much better."
He says. "okay. Now will you please pa..-.s the pussy."
14. Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
Oecausc if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill
.
up wn\
mud.
15. If the dove is I he bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.
16. What happened to the Polish rocket ship?
At 500 feet it ran out of coal.
17. What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a \\"Oman 's mouth'!
Einstein's penis.
18. What docs a Polish \\'Oman do after she sucks cock?
Spits out the feathers.
19. What 's a Blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpmc.
20. How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
21 . How do you get holy water?
Ooil the hell out of it.
22. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice coo long?
Polaroids.
Ｚ＿Ｇｾ＠
""""'
What do prisoners usc to call each other?
Cell phones.
24. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho chc:csc.
25 . What do you call Santa's ｨ･ｬｰ｣Ｚｾ＿＠
23.
Subordinate Clauses.
26. ｗｨ＼ｾｴ＠
do you call four bullfightc:n in quick.sand7
Quatro sinko.
27. What did the fish say when he swam into the roncrc1e wall?
''[)am_-
28. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sank a..
10
29.
w
ｾ
ｉ＠
3"
3
INH RNFT SIIOR1 STORIES ANI) JOKES
ｴｾ＠
lltr
llb
29. What lies at the bollom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck .
30. What's the d ifTerenee between roast be.e fand pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
31. Where do you find a dog with no legs'!
Right where you left him.
32. Why arc there so many 'Smiths' in the phone book?
They all ha ve phones.
33. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
lltcy're trying to get away from the noise.
34. Why do gorillas have big nostrils'!
13ccause they have big fingers.
A Few Little Ditties
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11 .
12.
13.
14.
15.
I(,.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21 .
22.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then be
used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
J>ardon my driving; rm reloading.
Despite the cost of living. have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs liLSt thinks slowest.
It is well to remember that the entire universe. with one trifling exception. i
composed of others.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Is don 't get sucked into jet engines.
Eagles may soar, but ｷ･ｾ＠
Early bird geL-; the worm. but the second mouse gets the cheese.
rm not cheap. but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend (boyfriend) but she left me before we met.
I dri ve way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever- so far. so good.
I love defenseless animals, CSJX.-cially in good gravy.
If Oarbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mind Like A Steel ｔｲＮｴｾｒｵｳｹ＠
And lllcgal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: Thedrcamsstuffis madeof.
Suppon bacteria- they're the only culture some people have.
l11e only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
11
I ｉＮｾｒｖ
ｅ ｙ＠
FUSIIMAN
One Liners
What's the difference between a Blonde and a mosquito'!
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
What's the best thing about a blowjob from an Ethiopian woman?
You know she'll swallow.
What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
White fairy tales start, "once upon a rime .. .."
Black fairy tales start, "yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years f
o age
How do you tum a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.
Why docs the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishw.tsher to match the stove and rcfrigcrar or.
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush. shoot more th;m once ;md they cat what they sh
OOt.
Why do Mexicans wear mustaches?
So they can look like their mother.
How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.
What is the difference bct\\-'CCn a battery a nd a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and usc a lubricant.
..
.
II
A brunette, a Blonde and a redhead arc all in third grade. Who has the bi
The Blonde, because she's 18.
ggest Ills?
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
What's the difference between Mayonnaise and semen?
Mayonnaise docsn 't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.
Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
They keep stepping on the strings.
Why arc women's feet shorter than men's feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
How can you tell a macho woman'!
She rolls her own tampons.
12
II'< I I"RNi l
SIIOR T S HlRII <; "'"') J Oitl'i
Why did God give me n penises?
o they'd always have at lea.-.t one way to s hut a woman up
What's the definition of a teenager'.
God's puni s hment for enjoying sex.
Define Transvestit e:
A guy who likes to cat, dnnk a nd be Mary'
What's the difTcrcncc between the Pope and your bossr
The Pope o nly expects you to ｫ ｩｾ ｾ＠ his ring.
My mind worb like lightning.
One bri ll ia nt flash a nd it i!> gone.
ever ｴｲｵ ｾ ｴ＠ a ｾｴｯ｣ｫ｢ｲ･＠
who's married to a travel agenL
The on ly time the world beats a path to your door i1> if you 're in the ba throo m.
She hates sex in the movies. Tried it once and the scat fo lded up.
A hus band is 1oomconc who ta kes out the tras h and gives the impre!>'iion he ju...t
c leaned the who le house.
My next house will have no kitchen- j ust vend ing machines.
ll1e on ly thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
Americans arc getting stronger. Twenty years ago. it too k two people to carry ten
dollars' worth of g roceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it
Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechan ic m ight try to rip me ofT.1>o I was
re lieved when he told me all I needed was blinke r fluid ."
I' m so depressed ... I went to the docto r today and he refused to write me a
prescript ion for Yiagra. Sa id it wou ld be li ke putting a new fl agpole on a
con de mn ed buildin g.
How was Colonel Sanders a typica l male?
All he cared about we re legs. breasts, and th igh
Bumper Sticker:
Jes us loves you ... everyone el se th inks you 'rc an ru...c;hole.
Sick But Funny
I.
Ha rry answers the telephone. a nd it's an Emergency Room Doctor.
ll1c Doctor says. "your wife was in a serious car accident. and I have bad
news and good news. ll1e bad news is that s he has los t all usc o f both a rms and
both lcg1>, and will need help eating a nd goi ng to the ba throom for the rest o f her
life."
Harry says, " my God. What's the good news?"
The Doctor say1>. " I'm just kidding. She's dead: ·
13
..,.
HARVfY flJSIJMAN
.
.
. , · - ·cod says to him. "this stinks. Every time
2. One mght, PmocchJO s gtr 11 n
We ｾ＠
love I get splinters."
. . .
h'
to Gepctto to ask hts advtee. Gepello says, "San·•
.
So Pmocc 10 goes
..
ｵ ｰ ｡ｾ＠
my boy that's all you need.
.
'
G ·pcllo runs into Pinoechto and says. "so how a
rc }OiiJ
A few days 1atcr c
doing with the girls now?"
. I ·r•
Pinocchio says, "who needs gtr s .
.
.
3. My Dick is so big that · · ·
.t as 3 tic if 1 wasn't afr:ud of gcttmg a hard-on and k' ll'
J
. . . I cou ld wear
1 1n&
myself.
·
· fi
• d it in a big dick contest and 1t came m trst, second and third
. . . I entcrc
... I' m already fucking a girl tomorrow.
. . . When it rains, the head docsn 't get wet.
4
:?'
... It has a spine.
_ A man and a woman arc driving along when they sec a wounded skunk on the
side of the road. They stop. the woman gets out. picks it up, and brings it into the
car.
She says. " look, it 's shivering. it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says. "put it between your legs.''
She says. "what about the smell?"
He says, "hold its nose."
A
frustrated
wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.
5.
Aller work. she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotch less panties.
She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short s kirt to go
with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across
from him as they had a drink.
She slowly spread her legs .... «Honey. would you like some of this?"
"llcll no," he replied. "Look what it's done to your underwea r!"
6.
Q What's the definition of eternity?
7.
A From the time you cum. till the time she goes home.
Two homeless transients who have spent the past several years sleeping in trash
dumpsters reminisce about their best nights.
The first guy says, "I remember my best night in a dumpster. As soon as I
climbed in I could smell food everywhere. I looked around and found some
lunch sacks with all kinds of half-eaten sandwiches. A few other bags had old
partiaJJy eaten hamburgers and fries. There
and filled my belly to the top."
14
W"clS
plenty of eating. I p iggc<.l-out
Jh II RMI ｾｉｏｫ＠
I
5 r<lRIU. Al'oiD JOKI
The ｾ･ｯｮ､＠
guy !>aid, "no doubt about 11 My bc\t nig ht 1n a dumlhtcr wa<.
one time right .tflcr I climbed Ill and a totally naked lady wa!t m there wa111ng for
me. She had one helluva body. I d id her all nigh t, at ｬ ･ｾ
ｴ＠ ten lime!. before
morning. It wa!> the best I've ever had."
The lin>t guy asks, " d id !the give you oral plcru.ureT
"No, she couldn't."
"W hy not?"
" ll er head wa.'>
ｭｩｾｮｧ
Ｎ Ｂ＠
Short Takes
Th e Cente r of Disease Control in Atlanta. GA, announced today t hat the Pre..,ident has
PROV EN you CAN get <;ex from aide!..
If you arc good, you wi ll be ｡ｾｳｩｧ
ｮ ･ ､＠ a ll the work .
If you a rc really good, you will get out of it.
Exercise is :-uch a bad word. that. whenever I say it,
I immed iate ly was h my mouth out with chocolate.
I st ill miss my cx- hu!tband. but my aim is Improving.
"The doctor said he wou ld have me on my feet in two week.;."
"Was he SUCCe!oSful ?"
"Yup, I had to ｾ･ ｬ＠ my car to pay hi!> bi ll ."
The new office boy stood before the paper !>hrcdder lookmg ｣ｯｮｦｾ､
Ｎ＠
"Need some he lp?"' a secre tary wa lking by a.<,kcd.
"Yes," he replied. " How do you work this thing?"'
"Si mp le," she said, quickly taking the fat rcpon from hi.., hand and feeding it to
the shredder.
"Thanks;· he said as he watched the report di..,appear. ''But where do the copies
co me o ut from?"
Useful Phrases
He re arc some usefu l phrases you can Ul>C in any ｾｩ ｴ ｵ｡ｴｩｯｮ
Ｚ＠
I.
2.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of v1ew.
The fact that no one undcr.>tands you docsn ' t mean you 'rc an artil>t.
3.
4.
I don't know " hat your problem is. but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your rea lity and mine il> purely coincidental.
5.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
6.
15
ｈａｫｖ
ｾ
7.
ｾｙ＠
F USIIMAN
What am I? Flypaper for freaks! '!
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct rape over your mouth.
I 0 . Ahhh . .. I sec the fuck-up fairy has visited us again . ..
I I. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. lt"s a thankless job, but I've gor a lot of Karma ro bum ofT.
13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, bur my duties arc largely ceremonial.
14 . No, my powers can only be used for good.
15. How about never? Is never good for you?
16 . I'm really eru.y ro get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17. You sound reasonable . .. Time to up my medication.
18. Arc you a fucking ray of sunshine every day'7
19. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smaner.
20. I'm out of my mind. but feel free to leave a message.
2 I . I don ' t work here. I' m a consultant.
22. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
23. My toys! My roys! I can't do rhisjob without my toy
24. It might look like I' m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite
busy.
25. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
26. You arc validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
ｾＷ
Ｎ＠ I see you've set aside this special rime ro humiliate yourself in public.
28. Someday. we'lllook back on this . laugh nervously and change the s ubject.
16
CHAPTER2
Questions and Answers
Q: What's the difTcrcncc between a porcupine and a BMW'
I\ : The porcupine has pricks o n the outl>idc.
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
Why did God create alcoho l"/
So ugly people have a cha nce to have ｾ｣＠
What d id the brunette say when s he found out -.he wa'> pregnant?
"Arc you sure it 'l> mine'?"
What's the difTercnec between beer nut!. a nd deer ｮｵｴｾ
＿＠
Beer nuts a rc a S 1.25 but deer nuts arc a lways under a buck.
What three two-lett er word'> denote Ｂｾｭ｡
ｬ ＧＭ＿＠
" Is it in?"
What's the definit ion of mixed emotions'!
Whe n you sec your mother-in-law backing ofT a e li IT in you r new car.
What do call a lawyer wi th an IQ of 50'!
Your Honor.
If Moms have Mother'::. Day, and Fathers have Father'!> Day.
What do Single g uyl> have?
A: Palm S unday
Q: Why docs Mike Tyson cry during sex'!
A: Mace will do that to you.
Q: What has a whole bu nch of little ball::. and screws old ladies?
A: I\ bingo machine.
What is a Yankee?
Q
A
The same as a qu ickie. but a guy can do it alone.
17
H ARVL Y FU\IIMAN
Q
A
Q
A
Q
A
Q
A
Q
A
Q
A
Q
A
Q
A
Q
A
Q
A
Q
A
ｾ
Q
ｾ＠
A
Q
Wha t do Tuppcrware and a walrus h.wc in common'/
They both like a tig ht seal.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mcga-1>or-ass
What is the difference between Olympic swim mer.. and Olympic divers?
Ma rk Spitz a nd Greg Swallows.
What has three teeth a nd sixty feet?
The front row at a Willie Nel son concert .
What is the new O.J. web si te address?
S lash s l:11>h backslash, esca pe.
Wha t did the banana &."ly to the vibrator'/
What arc YOU shaki ng for? She's going to cat me!
Wha t is the d ifference between erotic and kinky'/
Erotic is using a feather . . . kinky is using the whole c hicken.
What is the difference between "ooooooh'' and "aaaaaaah'w?
About three inchc ...
What is the difference between a honnone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.
How ma ny men docs it ta ke to ｾ｣ｲ･ｷ＠
in a light bulb?
One . . . Men will screw anyth ing.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with · · · . the other i
used to carry groceries.
Why can 't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.
If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
The one that 's labeled '' IDA HO"
Why don 't blind people skydive?
A Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q What has four legs and an arm?
A A happy pit-bull
Q What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A A robber snatches watches.
Q Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A 'Cuz every time she gets to 69 s he gets a frog in her throat.
Q Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
A It won 't work and you can't fire it
A
Q
18
ｬ ｾｴＮｮ＠
ｾ ｴｋ ＾ｒＢｊ＠
S rcnull• A'..t> J OKI.,
More Questions and Allswer
Q · Why don 't they te<tch dnver's educatton and l>CX education on the ｾｭ･＠
day 1n Iraq?
A: ll1ey don't want to wear out the camel
Q: What do you get tfyou eros-. a Hell'l>Angel w 1th a Jehovah'<> Witnc.,s'l
A: Someone who knoc ks on your door on a Sunday morning and tell s YO U to fuck
om
Do you know why women fake orgasm'
Becau:.c men fake forepl ay.
What's the d ifference between gett ing a divorce a nd gettin g Ci rcumcised?
A: When you get a di vo rce, you get rid of the who le prick
Q : A woman of 35 thinks of hav ing children. What docs a m a n of 35 lhtnk of?
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q;
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Dating children.
Wh at 's the difference between a G-Spot and a go lf ball?
A guy wil l actuall y search for a golf ball.
Why docs a bride smi le when she walks up the a 1s le?
She knows she's g iven her la:.t blowjob.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It 's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
How many mice doc:. it take to screw in a light bulb'?
Two. The ha rd part is gett ing them in the light bulb.
What's the de finit ion ofTrust'l
Two cannibals g iving eac h other a blowjob.
ＧＯ＠
How do you find a Blonde in long ｧｾｃｗ［
Pleasing!
How do the little boys at Michael Jackson 's rdnch know when it is bedtime?
Whe n the big hand touches the littl e hand .. .
When is a pi xie not a pixie?
When he's got h is head up a fa iry 's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
What's the d ifference between your wife and you r job?
After 10 years the job still such.
Driving School Q 's and A's
Q : Do you yield when a blind pedestria n is crossing the roa d'/
A: What for? He can't sec my license plate.
Q : Who has the right ofway when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time'!
A: ll1c pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumpe r sticker say ing. "guns don't
ki ll people. I do."
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I IAII\'I!Y FUSIIMAN
ｾ＠
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
Q:
A:
What an: the important safety rips to remember when backing up your car'!
Always wear a condom.
When driving through fog. what should you usc'/
Your car.
How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
Be too drunk to find your keys.
What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What arc some points to remember when passing or being passed"/
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow
traffic light"/
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help case a heavy traffic problem'!
A: Carry loaded weapons.
A Riddle
What is gre:llcr tha n God
More evil than the Devil
The poor have it
The rich need it
And if you cat it you will die.
ANSWER: Nothing
A Question of Ethics
This question docs not necessarily refleel my views and I have not actually
checked the facts for accuracy.
A woman was pregnant for the ninth time. Three of her children were deaf; two
were blind and one was mentally retarded. AND she had syphi lis; would you have
recommended thai she have an abortion?
Answer to the question--if you had recommended lhat the woman have an
abortion, you would have killed Beethoven.
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INH RN I I SrKlrtl Srorur ｾａｎｄ＠
JoKr.,
Father and ｾｯｮ＠
A father and ｾｯｮ＠
ｾｵ､｣ｮｬｹ＠
went fi'>hing one <.ldy. While they we re out 1n the hoat, the boy
became cunou!. about the worlu around h1m . li e ao;kcd his father, " how doc.,
this boa t noat'l''
The father replied "don't rightly know .,on "
A lirt lc later. the boy looked at hil> father and ｾｫ･､＠
"how do fi,h breathe underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "don 'I rightly know ｾｯｮ
Ｎ Ｂ＠
A Jiulc later the boy ｾｫ･､＠
his father. ''why i.., the sky blue?''
Again. the father replied . '·Don't n gh tl y know ｾｯｮ
Ｎ Ｂ＠
Finally, the boy askC<l hi-; father, "dad, do you mind my as king you all of thc..c
question!.'?"
The father replied "of course not, ｾｯ
ｮ Ｎ＠
If you don' t :u.k questions, you'll never
learn nothi n'.''
And, More Questions and Answers
1)
Which sex ual position produces the uglic"t c hildren ?
2)
Ask your mot her.
How do you embarras s a female archacologbt 'l
Give he r a tamron and ask her which period it came from .
3)
4)
5)
What's the d ifference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore s leeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at
the pa rt y except you .
What 's the difference between love. true love and showi ng ofr!
Spitting, ::.wallowing, and gargling.
What's the difTcrcncc between a Cat holic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has rea l orgasms and fake jewelry.
6)
What makes men c hase women they have no inten tion of marrying?
7)
1l1e same urge that makes dogs chase cars th ey have no intention of driving.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
o one to talk to during orgasm.
8)
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mec hanic.
9)
Who is the moM popu lar guy at the nudist colony?
1l1c guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each ha nd and a dozen donut...
10) Who is the most popular gi rl at the nudist colony?
The girl who can cat the last donut
I I) Jewish d ilemma :
Free PORK.
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II ARVPY F U\IIMAN
12) The three words most hated by men during se
''Arc you in""
13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex:
" Honey. I' m home!"
14) Why do men take s howers instead of baths?
P1ssing in the bath is disgustmg.
15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it ofT. you wonder where her tits went.
Good Questions
(/
Aflcr they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Arc female moths called myths?
Arc part-time bandlcaders semi-conductors?
Arc there a ny ung uided missi les?
Arc you breaking th e law if you dri,,e past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener'/
Co uld crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Crime doesn ' t pay .. docs that mean my job is a crime'/
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye s led dogs?
Do boxer s horts box?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shifi?
Do clowns wear really big socks?
Do fil es get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Do fish get th irsty?
Do hummingbirds hum because they don 't know th e words?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor s howers?
Do steamrollers really roll steam?
Do television evangelists do more than lay people?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Do vegetarians cat animal crackers?
Do witches run spell checkers?
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