STOCKING STUFFERS
A H O L I D A Y P L A Y I N S IX S H O R T S C E N E S
By Geff Moyer
Copyright © MMVII by Geff Moyer
All Rights Reserved
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ISBN: 978-1-61588-146-8
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STOCKING STUFFERS
STOCKING STUFFERS
By Geff Moyer
SYNOPSIS: Six short wonderful holiday scenes. The first scene shows
Uncle Sam, Easter Bunny, Cupid, Ezekiel the Pilgrim, and Hagatha the
Witch fed up with the popularity of Santa Claus and plotting against him.
The second scene depicts Donner and Blitzen, who have been exercising
during the off-season, ready to challenge Dancer and Prancer as lead
reindeer. The third scene shows four talking dolls, each speaking a different
phrase. While three are content with their lives, one is questioning why they
are only allowed to say those specific phrases. The fourth scene depicts two
over-worked elves on break, complaining about their long shifts, only to
learn that Santa has just hired female elves to work in his shop. The fifth
scene shows Barbie and G. I. Joe calling it quits, with Joe desperately trying
to show his "tender" side. The sixth and final scene depicts the trial of the
reindeer that ran over Grandma.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
THE LAST MEETING OF THE HOLIDAY ICONS
(3 MEN, 2 WOMEN)
EASTER BUNNY (F).................................. (28 lines)
UNCLE SAM (M)........................................ (26 lines)
HAGATHA THE WITCH (F).................... (31 lines)
CUPID (M)................................................... (42 lines)
EZEKIEL THE PILGRIM (M) ................. (29 lines)
THE WATER COOLER
(3 MEN, 1 WOMAN)
ELF 1 (M)................................................(16 lines)
ELF 2 (M)................................................(27 lines)
ELF 3 (M)................................................(22 lines)
FEMALE ELF (F)..................................(26 lines total)
UP FRONT
2
BY GEFF MOYER
(2 MEN)
DONNER (M) .........................................(74 lines total)
BLITZEN (M).........................................(75 lines total)
THE LADIES SPEAK
(4 WOMEN)
DOLL 1 (F) .............................................(37 lines)
DOLL 2 (F) .............................................(33 lines)
DOLL 3 (F) .............................................(30 lines)
DOLL 4 (F) .............................................(32 lines)
THE BREAK UP
(1 MAN, 1 WOMAN)
BARBIE (F) ............................................(38 lines)
G.I. JOE (M)...........................................(39 lines)
THE TRIAL
(5 MEN, 4 WOMEN, FLEXIBLE)
EBENEZER SCROOGE (M)................(33 lines)
GRANDMA (F) ......................................(12 lines)
JUDGE (M).............................................(33 lines)
BAILIFF (M or F).....................................(9 lines)
EGG NOG (M or F)................................(17 lines)
MEDICINE BOTTLE (M or F).............(15 lines)
FEMALE ELF (F) from The Water Cooler
DONNER (M) from Up Front
BLITZEN (M) from Up Front
3
STOCKING STUFFERS
PROPERTIES LIST
THE LAST MEETING OF THE HOLIDAY ICONS:
Hagatha - an old broom and a new broom.
Cupid - A cell phone and a bow and arrow.
Uncle Sam - an oversized firecracker, and a new package of fireworks.
Ezekiel - an old axe and a new axe.
Bunny - egg-coloring kit.
Table and 5 chairs.
UP FRONT:
No properties required.
THE LADIES SPEAK:
4 chairs.
THE WATER COOLER:
A small water cooler.
THE BREAK UP:
G.I. Joe - pistol, knife, onion.
THE TRIAL:
Judge – gavel.
Elf - notebook and papers.
4
BY GEFF MOYER
PRODUCTION NOTES
COSTUMES / MAKEUP:
These are two of the most important elements of Stocking Stuffers. The
more colorful and unique the costumes, the more the audience will enjoy the
production, especially the kids. In LAST MEETING OF THE ICONS, each
character should clearly represent their holidays; UP FRONT, they must be
reindeers; THE LADIES SPEAK, the more frilly the outfits and the thicker
the make-up, the funnier the characters; THE WATER COOLER, clearly
elves, pointed ears and all; THE BREAK UP, a girl who can resemble
“Barbie,” and a large bald man for G.I. Joe; THE TRIAL, Scrooge should be
readily recognized, and the Egg Nog Carton and Medicine Bottle should be
two very different and fun costumes to construct.
SETTING:
In the production at the Olathe Community Theatre Association in December
2006, the only consistent item on stage during all the shows was the water
cooler. A long table and five chairs were used for LAST MEETING. The
table was struck and the chairs were then shifted and used for all the other
shows (having two or three “little” kids dressed as elves doing that shifting
could add a fun touch). Each show was bridged with about ten seconds of a
lively holiday song, and at the end of evening, the entire cast came on stage
in costume to lead a sing-a-long, then went into the audience to greet the
children. It is a very easy show to stage. The challenges are the costuming
and what the actors can bring to the characters. For example, in THE
WATER COOLER, one night at rehearsal, we just decided to try the two
main elf characters as an old Jewish man and a young Southern gentleman.
It was hilarious, so we kept it. In THE LADIES SPEAK, we put one of the
dolls in an over-abundance of petticoats (you can imagine how silly it
looked). In other words, have fun with this!
5
STOCKING STUFFERS
SCENE 1
LAST MEETING OF THE HOLIDAY ICONS
SETTING:
A conference room table.
AT RISE:
A lively conversation is going on.
BUNNY: Something has to be done . . .
UNCLE SAM: It is completely out of hand . . .
CUPID: People . . .
HAGATHA: It’s ridiculous . . .
CUPID: People . . .
EZEKIEL: It’s improper is what it is . . .
CUPID: People, people, please. We have to discuss this in an
orderly manner. Focus on the subject: the fat man’s holiday vs.
ours. Stop the bickering!
HAGATHA: The fairy’s right. This is getting us nowhere.
CUPID: For the hundredth time, Hagatha, I’m an angel, not a fairy.
UNCLE SAM: Let’s be democratic about this. Take a vote.
EZEKIEL: Vote on what? Nothing’s been put on the floor, except the
rabbit’s fat feet.
BUNNY: But they’re great for kicking pompous, obnoxious . . .
CUPID: STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!
HAGATHA: Excitable little fairy, isn’t he?
CUPID: Angel!!
BUNNY: It’s the presents, you know!
HAGATHA: Of course it’s the presents, you dumb bunny! We all
agreed it’s the presents. So how can we compete with them?
BUNNY: We can’t. At least my eggs can’t.
CUPID: But they are lovely, Bunny . . .
HAGATHA: Neither can my candy.
CUPID: But it’s so sweet of you . . .
UNCLE SAM: I say we strap him to a Roman candle and send him
flying.
EZEKIEL: I say we chop off his head.
6
BY GEFF MOYER
CUPID: Those are very violent solutions. We are not violent people.
We are loving people.
UNCLE SAM: All’s fair in love and war.
CUPID: This isn’t war!
HAGATHA: Well, it sure isn’t love.
CUPID: But isn’t that what the holidays are all about? Love?
HAGATHA: No! Not all of them. A good scare never hurt anyone.
BUNNY: Neither did a good “find the most eggs” competition.
SAM: Or a good blowin’ up of a few tin cans.
EZEKIEL: We should just ban all holidays. They’re frivolous and
improper.
CUPID: Now, Zeke! Where’s our happy face?
BUNNY: Throw him in the briar patch . . .
EZEKIEL: The axe . . .
HAGATHA: Turn him into a toad . . .
CUPID: Stop it . . .
EZEKIEL: The axe . . .
SAM: Strap him to a box of cherry bombs . . .
CUPID: Stop it . . .
EZEKIEL: The axe . . .
CUPID: I have the solution!
OTHERS: What?
CUPID: (Pause.) We smother him with affection.
HAGATHA: (Pause.) What!?
CUPID: Kindness and . . .
BUNNY: Are you serious . . .
CUPID: . . . kisses and . . .
EZEKIEL: . . . improper . . .
CUPID: . . . and hugs and . . .
OTHERS: Shut up!
BUNNY: How many years have we been arguing about this? Huh?
Every year it’s the same thing! His holiday always overshadows
ours, but you know what really fluffs my fur? All the attention he
gets for delivering his presents in one night. I deliver all my eggs
in one night, and I don’t a need sleigh and a bunch of smelly
reindeers to do it.
CUPID: We all know how hard you work, Bunny.
7
STOCKING STUFFERS
BUNNY: And I tell ya this – it takes weeks for my feet to stop aching.
EZEKIEL: Oh, cry me a river! I don’t even know why you’re here.
You don’t even have anything to do with your holiday.
UNCLE SAM: I’ve been saying that for years. The dumb bunny
doesn’t even deserve to be here.
BUNNY: So what do you have to do with fireworks? If you lit one
you’d probably set your beard on fire, you’re such a clumsy oaf!
And you! What do you have to do with eating turkey? Nothing!
Right! Huh? Hear me? Nothing . . .
EZEKIEL: (Rises, waves axe.) We could always change it to a nice
rabbit stew.
CUPID: Will you three please stop bickering?
HAGATHA: The fairy’s right. Let’s get focused, people!
CUPID: Angel! You ol’ hag!
HAGATHA: I’ll turn you into a newt, you little . . .
BUNNY: (Rises.) WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THE FAT
MAN?
UNCLE SAM: (After a pause, deviously.) Maybe we could discredit
him.
BUNNY: What?
CUPID: You mean . . . lie?
EZEKIEL: Improper.
HAGATHA: Doesn’t bother me.
CUPID: Lie?
BUNNY: What’d you got cookin’ in that half brain, Sam??
UNCLE SAM: Oh . . . I don’t know . . . maybe we say he . . . he
mistreats his elves.
CUPID: But it’s a lie.
HAGATHA: Just a little one. (Cackles.)
EZEKIEL: Improper.
HAGATHA: (Mocking.) “Improper, improper, improper!” How’d you
ever get a holiday? You’re against anything that’s fun.
EZEKIEL: Lying is improper.
UNCLE SAM: And Manhattan Island was worth more than twenty
dollars in beads.
EZEKIEL: What are you saying?
BUNNY: You hoodwinked those Indians.
8
BY GEFF MOYER
HAGATHA: Which is the same as lying.
UNCLE SAM: Which is so “improper.”
CUPID:
How can we possibly “discredit” someone like him?
Everyone loves him. The elves love him. Everyone knows that.
It’s in every story. We can’t change history. We’re holiday icons,
not the government. I say we call him.
OTHERS: What!? Huh!? Are you crazy!?
CUPID: We call him, present our dilemma and pleasantly reason
things out.
BUNNY: That’s the dumbest thing . . .
UNCLE SAM: Where do you get these stupid ideas . . .
EZEKIEL: That is so improper . . .
HAGATHA: He just hangs up on me.
CUPID: He’s a very sweet fellow. I’m sure he’ll understand our
concerns.
HAGATHA: He’s been milking the attention since his holiday started.
UNCLE SAM: He’s not gonna give up the limelight.
BUNNY: His ego’s as big as his belly.
UNCLE SAM: Discredit, people! Think discredit.
HAGATHA: (Pause.) Red is also the devil’s color. (Cackles.)
EZEKIEL: (Fondling his axe.) And blood.
BUNNY: It’s also the primary color of Christmas, Hagatha. Think
logically.
UNCLE SAM: (Pause.) Obesity is unattractive.
BUNNY: But with him it’s all cutesy-wootsy and “shaking like a bowl
full of jelly.” Logic, people, logic!
EZEKIEL: (Mocking.) “Logic, logic, logic!” That’s coming from a
rabbit who’s supposed to lay painted eggs.
CUPID: (Pulls out a cell phone.) This is the only reasonable
approach.
EZEKIEL: You know it would be the proper thing to do. I think the
fairy’s got something here.
CUPID: ANGEL! I’M AN ANGEL!
EZEKIEL: Then where’s your halo?
CUPID: I don’t have one.
EZEKIEL: So you’re not an angel.
CUPID: I have wings.
9
STOCKING STUFFERS
EZEKIEL: So do fairies.
UNCLE SAM: Okay! Let’s say we do call him. What are we going to
say? (They all look at CUPID.)
CUPID: Why are you looking at me?
HAGATHA: It’s your idea.
EZEKIEL: Back it up!
BUNNY: You are the sweetest talker.
CUPID: Well . . . we should . . . uh . . . express our feelings. That we
have feelings, too. Very special, unique feelings that are very
easily hurt. We feel pain. We feel sorrow. And what we really
want to feel is love. His love. And the love of all . . .
OTHERS: SHUT UP!
UNCLE SAM: I say we make our demands very clear.
BUNNY: Succinct!
HAGATHA: Crystal!
EZEKIEL: And we religiously hold to those demands.
UNCLE SAM: Right! He must do something to make the people like
him a little less and us a little more.
HAGATHA: Like giving candy to bad boys and girls.
CUPID: That’s not right . . .
BUNNY: Putting only painted eggs in stockings – as a reminder of
me.
CUPID: But you have a holiday . . .
UNCLE SAM: Putting sparklers on all Christmas trees.
CUPID: Fire hazard! (During the following few lines, CUPID slips
under the table and dials the cell phone.)
EZEKIEL: No! They can’t even have a tree. We didn’t have a tree.
Those decorated things are frivolous and improper.
HAGATHA: Put scary jack-o-lanterns in stockings . . .
UNCLE SAM: Now we’re getting somewhere. Demand! Demand!
Demand!
HAGATHA: That’s right! Nice is weak. Naughty is power.
UNCLE SAM: Well said, Hagatha! Well said!
HAGATHA: We’ll scare the boots off of him.
BUNNY: What if he gets defensive?
UNCLE SAM: That’s what we want! We’re launching an attack here.
We want him to . . . hey, where’s the fairy?
10
BY GEFF MOYER
They all look around and HAGATHA discovers CUPID under the
table.
HAGATHA: What are you . . . ? He’s on the phone! Why you
little . . .
All are chasing CUPID over, under and around the table. BUNNY
tosses eggs at him, HAGATHA swings at him with her broom,
EZEKIEL wields his ax, SAM pulls out an extremely large firecracker
but cannot get his lighter to work to light it. The following lines occur
throughout the action.
BUNNY: GET HIM, HE’S SQUEALING . . . !!
HAGATHA: I’LL TURN YOU INTO A GECKO . . .!
EZEKIEL: Nimble little fairy, isn’t he?
BUNNY: BLOW HIM UP, SAM!!!
CUPID: (Suddenly stopping and shutting cell phone.) STOP! (They
all stop. Pause.) He said to look under your seats. (They all try to
look at their rear ends.) Your chairs.
Everyone looks under their chairs and each pulls out a present.
BUNNY: What is this?
HAGATHA: It says “Open me. Now!”
UNCLE SAM: Wait! (Holds it to his ear.) It isn’t ticking.
EZEKIEL: So I guess they’re safe to open.
CUPID: (Pause.) So what’re we waiting for?
Everyone opens their presents. HAGATHA pulls out a shiny new axe.
BUNNY, a fancy bow and arrow. CUPID, a package of fireworks.
EZEKIEL, a brand new broom. UNCLE SAM, an egg-painting kit.
UNCLE SAM: What the devil am I gonna do with this? I don’t paint
eggs.
HAGATHA: My fingernails are too long to use an axe.
11
STOCKING STUFFERS
BUNNY: What am I gonna do with this? I don’t have opposable
thumbs.
EZEKIEL: Improper! Man does not do the cleaning. That’s for the
women folk.
CUPID: Look, I’ll never use these fireworks. Sam, why don’t you
take them?
UNCLE SAM: Really!? Thank you. Here, Bunny, I want you to
have this.
BUNNY: Why, thank you, Sam. Oh, Cupid, here! You have
opposable thumbs.
CUPID: Oh, that’s so sweet of you, Bunny.
HAGATHA: Hey, Zeke! Here! (Hands him the axe.) Make good use
of it.
EZEKIEL: (Hands broom to HAGATHA.) You do the same.
HAGATHA: Thanks.
EZEKIEL: Don’t mention it.
Suddenly, after admiring their gifts, they all stop and look at each
other with a moment of realization.
BUNNY: You know what he did, don’t you?
UNCLE SAM: (Smiles.) Yeah! Sneaky ol’ fat man.
HAGATHA: Felt kind of good, didn’t it?
CUPID: It felt lovely.
EZEKIEL: It felt . . .
ALL: Proper!
BLACKOUT.
12
BY GEFF MOYER
SCENE 2
THE WATER COOLER
SETTING:
A water cooler.
AT RISE:
ELF 1 is standing at a water cooler, drinking. ELVES 2 and 3 are
entering.
ELF 3: (Southern accent.) Oh boy, do I need this break. These
sixty-four hour shifts are killers.
ELF 2: (Old elf with beard and Yiddish accent.) Oy, I hear that!
ELF 3: I’ve assembled 34,652 Gameboys and have been shocked
379 times. Stick a light bulb in my mouth and you could read by
me.
ELF 2: I’ve got so many metal splinters from puttin’ together those
Tonka Trucks, I don’t think I could walk through an airport detector
without sitting off every light and buzzer it has.
ELF 3: If we don’t get more help soon I don’t see how we’ll meet our
quota.
ELF 2: I heard the Big Guy even posted the job openings on Monster
and Career Dot Com.
ELF 3: Physical labor! No one seems to want to do it anymore.
ELF 2: Yeah! They think they’re too good for it. Think it’s “beneath
them.”
ELF 3: Hey, a job’s a job. And the Big Guy pays okay.
ELF 1: Guess you guys haven’t heard, huh?
ELVES 2 and 3: What? Heard what?
ELF 1: What the Big Guy’s done.
ELVES 2 and 3: What? What’s he done?
ELF 1: (Pause.) Females.
ELF 3: What about them?
ELF 1: He’s hired some.
13
STOCKING STUFFERS
Pause. Then ELVES 2 and 3 break out laughing.
ELF 2: You had us there for a minute.
ELF 3: Good one! Excellent!
ELF 1: I’m not joking. He’s hired females.
ELF 3: Females?
ELF 2: You mean . . .
ELF 1: Girl elves.
ELF 3: Oh no . . .
ELF 2: No, no, no . . .
ELF 3: He couldn’t! He just couldn’t . . .
ELF 2: Has he flipped his lid?
ELF 3: Did Prancer kick him in the head again?
ELF 2: There has never been a female elf in the factory.
ELF 3: And especially not on the assembly line.
ELF 1: The Missus.
ELF 2: Huh?
ELF 1: It was Missus Claus’ idea.
ELF 2: And he listened? Why? He’s never listened to her before.
ELF 1: One time.
ELF 3: When?
ELF 1: Who do you think convinced him to add Rudolph to the team?
ELF 3: That was her idea?
ELF 1: Yep!
ELF 2: But we’re talking hundreds of years of tradition here – not
some one-time-foggy-night-problem.
ELF 1: She pulls a lot of weight with him. No pun intended. She
convinced him right after she cooked his favorite dinner.
ELF 3: Oh, that figures! Caught him at his weakest.
ELF 2: After a meal! Typical! Sneaky! Just like a female elf.
ELF 3: We can’t let this happen. We need to call our union rep!
ELF 1: You are the union rep.
ELF 3: Oh. Yeah.
ELF 2: We’re just gonna have to refuse to work with them.
ELF 1: And not meet our quota. It would hurt too many children.
ELF 2: So we just have to take this? Accept this blatant break in
tradition?
14
BY GEFF MOYER
ELF 3: You watch! They’ll get all the cush jobs.
ELF 2: Of course! And not one of them will work a night shift. They
need their “beauty sleep.”
ELF 1: And this will really turn your skin green: same pay!
ELVES 2 AND 3: WHAT!?
ELF 2: Now he’s really gone too far.
ELF 1: Well, they will be doing the same job.
ELF 3: Are you kidding me!? Show me one female elf who can
carve a decent baseball bat, or knows how to outfit a ninja.
ELF 2: They’re gonna mess up everything! They’ll probably put all
the G.I. Joes in polo shirts and Dockers.
ELF 3: And Storm Troopers in frilly raincoats . . .
ELF 2: Footballs will be painted pink . . .
ELF 3: Action figures of the Olsen twins . . .
ELF 2: Whoopee Cushions with no sound . . .
ELF 3: I tell ya, it’s gonna destroy Christmas!
ELF 2: It’s just spittin’ in the eye of tradition. That’s all it is! Spittin’ in
the eye . . .
A very attractive FEMALE ELF enters and walks up to the water
cooler.
FEMALE ELF: Excuse me, guys. (They step aside in silence,
staring at her. She drinks.) See you on the assembly line.
(Exits.)
They watch her leave in silence.
ELF 2: You know, painting a football pink would make it easier to
see.
ELF 3: We could always say G.I. Joe is on leave.
They are exiting the same direction as the FEMALE ELF.
ELF 2: Actually, I kinda like the Olsen twins. Especially the one
who’s always on a diet.
ELF 1: (To audience.) So much for tradition.
15
STOCKING STUFFERS
BLACKOUT.
16
BY GEFF MOYER
SCENE 3
UP FRONT
SETTING:
A water cooler.
AT RISE:
DONNER is doing curls with two small dumbbells.
BLITZEN: (Entering, surfer accent.) Hey, Donner dude! You’re
lookin’ good!
DONNER: (Another surfer accent.) Thanks, Blitzen! Looks like you
haven’t been a couch potato in the off-season either, dude.
BLITZEN: Hey, dude! We made a deal, remember?
DONNER: Glad to see you stuck to it.
BLITZEN: You bet! Pumpin’ iron every day, running, leaping, and to
top it all off, the only place I been grazin’ is Anwar.
DONNER: Healthy, Dude! Healthy!
BLITZEN: Only the green stuff’s been put into this temple. Not one
berry!
DONNER: I’m proud of you, dude! (Hands him a dumbbell.).
Ready?
BLITZEN: Ready!
They turn sideways and do three quick curls.
BOTH: ONE, TWO, THREE!
They do a synchronized hopping loop around each other.
BOTH: HUP! HUP! HUP! HUP!
They bump hips.
BOTH: HUMPFH! HUMPFH!
They shake their antlers at each other.
17
STOCKING STUFFERS
BOTH: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
They high five – actually, they high hoof.
BOTH: UP FRONT!
DONNER: Yeah! We’re gonna do it, dude! We’re gonna take it!
BLITZEN: (Flexing, a la Arnold Scharwarzengger.) No way Dasher
and Dancer can top this!
DONNER: No more back two!
BOTH: UP FRONT!! (They high hoof again.)
DONNER: Oh, I gotta tell ya! I made a turn the other day that
would’ve curled your antlers. (Makes a fancy fast turn.)
BLITZEN: All right!
DONNER: If fancy Dancer had tried that, he’d be trippin’ over his
own hooves.
BLITZEN: I leaped a silo.
DONNER: What!? No kidding?
BLITZEN: A silo, Dude! Had to be sixty-seventy feet.
DONNER: Wow! Where’d you find a silo?
BLITZEN: Down at Anwar.
DONNER: Anwar has silos?
BLITZEN: Yeah! Well, I guess they’re silos. Bit more pointed than
normal, but I think they were silos. They were kind of hidden in
some trees. But the point is, I leaped ‘em!
DONNER: Right, Dude! HIT IT!
They repeat their previous routine.
BOTH: UP FRONT! (They high hoof.)
BLITZEN: We’re gonna take it! We’re gonna do it!
DONNER: You know it’s that stupid poem’s fault.
BLITZEN: I know, I know . . .
DONNER: (Mockingly.) On Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and
Vixon. On Comet and Cupid and DONNER AND BLITZEN!
BLITZEN: Put us right there at the rear of the team. And just
because the Big Guy’s a stickler for tradition . . .
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BY GEFF MOYER
DONNER: We been stuck there for over a hundred years!
BLITZEN: The rear!
DONNER: The backseat!
BLITZEN: The hind end!
DONNER: The tail!
BLITZEN: The keister!
DONNER: Rusty duster!
BLITZEN: Tuchis!
DONNER: Fanny!
BLITZEN: Derriere!
DONNER: BUM!
BLITZEN: CAN!
DONNER: CAN IS RIGHT! CAN DO, DUDE!
BLITZEN: I’m pumped, dude! I’m ready to challenge those two
namby pambies! Ready to take the lead. No more bringin’ up the
rear! HIT IT!
They do their routine again.
BOTH: UP FRONT! (They high hoof, then pause as they calm.)
BLITZEN: So . . . what’d we do now?
DONNER: Well . . . we . . . confront the Big Guy.
BLITZEN: Yeah! Right! How?
DONNER: Uh . . . make an appointment! State our grievances.
BLITZEN: Okay! Okay! Then what?
DONNER: We . . . we demand! That’s it! We demand our new place
on the team!
BLITZEN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude! You know the Big Guy doesn’t
take kindly to demands.
DONNER: Well . . . well, he’s gonna have to this time.
BLITZEN: You remember that elf who made that demand a while
back?
DONNER: Oh, yeah! Haven’t seen him in years.
BLITZEN: Exactly.
DONNER: Oh. Okay, we don’t demand.
BLITZEN: Good.
DONNER: But we gotta make our case, right?
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STOCKING STUFFERS
BLITZEN:
DONNER:
BLITZEN:
DONNER:
BLITZEN:
DONNER:
BLITZEN:
DONNER:
BLITZEN:
Right!
We’ve worked too hard this off-season, right?
Right!
We’ve pumped, ran, turned!
I didn’t deprive myself of berries for nothing!
That’s right!
And I did leap that silo.
All eighty feet of it!
And I’m tired of starin’ at Comet and Cupids butts! HIT IT!
They do their routine.
BOTH: UP FRONT!
DONNER: (Exiting.) Let’s go for it!
BLITZEN: (Exiting.) Big Guy, here we come!
BLACKOUT.
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BY GEFF MOYER
SCENE 4
THE LADIES SPEAK
SETTING:
Four dolls are sitting in four chairs or on one bed with many pillows.
AT RISE:
The DOLLS are speaking like mechanized dolls.
ONE: Momma.
TWO: I love you.
THREE: Hold me.
FOUR: I’m hungry.
ONE: Momma.
TWO: I love you.
THREE: Hold me.
FOUR: I’m hungry.
ONE: Momma.
TWO: I love you.
THREE: Hold . . .
TWO: Okay! They’ve gone!
During following conversation all four pull out cans of soda, chips, etc.
ONE: Thank goodness!
THREE: Finally! I thought they’d never leave. If I had to say, “Hold
me,” one more time, I swear I would’ve puked.
ONE: I think we’re okay for a while. They went downstairs to play
Candy Land.
TWO: Oh, please! Don’t mention that game! They open it up, I see
that board – all that candy, cake, ice cream – oy! There goes my
diet.
ONE: How’s my hair?
TWO: It’s fine! You ask me that every day, and every day I tell you,
“It’s fine.”
ONE: Well, I just wanted to make sure nothing was out of place.
THREE: (To FOUR.) You’re sure quiet.
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STOCKING STUFFERS
FOUR: I have something to tell you, girls.
ONE: What?
THREE: Did you hear more gossip?
TWO: If it’s about her big sister having her boyfriend over the other
night while she was babysitting, we know all about it.
THREE: They were holding hands!
ONE: No!?
FOUR: I’m leaving.
ONE: You’re what?
FOUR: I’m leaving.
TWO: You can’t leave!
FOUR: I’m doing it!
ONE: But why?
THREE: Where will you go?
FOUR: North!
TWO: North? Oh, I get it! You’re back on that phrase kick, aren’t
you?
ONE: Oh, no! I thought you gave that up.
TWO: She’s a redhead. Redheads are stubborn. Stubborn to the
point of ridiculous.
THREE: What’s a “phrase kick?”
TWO: Where have you been? She’s been talking about it for days.
THREE: I was left outside for two days, remember? I’m still soggy.
ONE: You have a little mildew behind your left ear.
THREE: Thank you.
ONE: No problem.
FOUR: It’s not a “kick!” It is a valid concern. We could be so helpful,
so beneficial on shaping young girls into fine, thoughtful,
responsible young women if they’d only let us.
TWO: Don’t start this again!
THREE: Let us what?
FOUR: Say significant things. Useful things. But what do we get?
“Momma, I love you, Hold me, I’m hungry.”
ONE: Those are important things.
FOUR: They’re shallow! One-dimensional! Insignificant! And that
means WE’RE shallow, one-dimensional and insignificant.
TWO: Here we go!
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BY GEFF MOYER
FOUR: I’m tired of it and I’m going to do something about it. Tell me
the truth! Isn’t there something you’d rather say than “Momma”?
Anything?
ONE: Well . . . I guess so.
FOUR: What? What would you like to say?
ONE: Well, I’d like to say . . .
FOUR: Yes? What?
ONE: “Wash your hands before you play with me.”
THREE: Oh, I hate sticky hands . . .
ONE: Or, “Don’t carry me by my hair.”
THREE: Or, “You smell like the dog.”
FOUR: That’s not what I’m talking about! How about saying things
like . . . like . . . “Don’t talk to strangers, even if they do look like
Brad Pitt.” Or, “Eat your broccoli, a little gas never hurt anyone.”
Or, “Always wear your seatbelt, especially when Grandma’s
driving without her glasses.”
THREE: Oh, oh, or, “Don’t stay outside too long, you’ll get soggy.”
ONE: Or, “Don’t comb my hair with the dog brush.”
FOUR: Is there anything besides sawdust between those ears?
TWO: Yeah! Contentment! With what we are, what we’ve got, and
what we say. We’re dolls, for crissake! We’re not going to change
the world.
FOUR: Barbie did!
TWO: Oh, that stiff-legged matchstick did no such thing!
THREE: I can’t believe you’re still jealous of Barbie.
TWO: What!? I’m not!
ONE: Oh, you are too! We all know it. You’d give your left eye to
know her diet and have her figure.
TWO: We’re baby dolls, moron! Why would we have a figure like
Barbies? (ONE starts crying. To FOUR.) See what you’ve
started!? (To ONE.) I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you a
moron.
THREE: (To ONE.) It’s okay. She didn’t mean it. You know how
she gets when we bring up Barbie.
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STOCKING STUFFERS
TWO: Will you shut up about Barbie!!?? (THREE begins to cry. To
FOUR.) Are you happy now? Are you pleased with yourself?
Why can’t you just accept things as they are? We are made to be
cute and cuddly and say one thing! That’s all! And that’s all they
want and all they want to hear! One thing! “Momma, I love you,
Hold me, I’m hungry!”
FOUR: (Pause.) Barbie doesn’t say anything.
TWO: (Seething.) You are making my stuffing boil!
FOUR: Now THAT’S a good thing to say!
TWO: What!?
FOUR: When they do something wrong, like . . . like not share, or call
someone a name, if we could say, “You are making my stuffing
boil,” it might make them think for a moment and be nicer.
TWO: If they weren’t nice, the Big Guy wouldn’t give us to them in
the first place.
ONE: That’s true . . .
THREE: She’s got a point there . . .
FOUR: Nobody’s perfect.
TWO: He is!
FOUR: That’s why he has only male elves working for him and
putting us together!
ONE: WHAT!?
THREE: MALE ELVES!?
ONE: HE DOES?
THREE: Males elves . . . touched me!? (Shudders.) Oohh!
ONE: That’s disgusting!
FOUR: That’s all he hires, and that’s why all we can say is “Momma,
I love you, Hold me, I’m hungry!” What better way to keep us
subjugated then to only allow us to say “Momma, I love you, Hold
me, I’m hungry?” I am going North. Anyone with me?
ONE: What’s “subjugated?”
FOUR: Only let us say one thing.
THREE: Which way’s North?
FOUR: That way!
THREE: Isn’t it cold up North?
ONE: Do we have to walk?
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BY GEFF MOYER
THREE: We’d be outside, wouldn’t we? That means getting soggy
again.
ONE: And soggy means mildew. You still have a little by your ear.
The other one.
FOUR: I don’t believe you two!
THREE: What?
ONE: Why? Mildew is not good for you.
TWO: What’d you expect? They’re dolls! So am I! And so are you.
You can’t change how you’re made or what you are. You just
have to live with it and do the best you can.
FOUR: But it’s so unfair.
ONE: We have a nice home.
THREE: When they don’t leave us outside.
ONE: We’re loved.
THREE: Even when we’re carried by our hair, we’re still loved.
TWO: And isn’t that what counts?
FOUR: I guess so.
TWO: (Puts arm around FOUR’s shoulder.) Besides, we’re a set.
Without you, we’d be . . . incomplete.
ONE: Unfulfilled.
THREE: Insignificant.
TWO: In other words, we’d miss you.
ONE: Terribly.
FOUR: That’s sweet. Thank you.
TWO: So . . . no North, right?
FOUR: I guess.
TWO: No more phrase kick, right?
FOUR: I suppose.
TWO: We can be happy with being cute and cuddly, right?
FOUR: Sure.
ONE: I’m glad that’s settled, ‘cause they’re coming back.
TWO: Positions, girls!
They go back into their “doll positions.” After a moment . . .
ONE: Momma.
TWO: I love you.
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STOCKING STUFFERS
THREE: Hold me.
There is an awkward silence.
ONE: Momma.
TWO: I love you.
THREE: Hold me.
There is another awkward, nervous silence.
ONE: Momma.
TWO: I love you.
THREE: Hold me.
FOUR: “The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the
world.”
BLACKOUT.
Thank you for reading this free excerpt from STOCKING
STUFFERS by Geff Moyer For performance rights and/or
a complete copy of the script, please contact us at:
Brooklyn Publishers, LLC
P.O. Box 248 • Cedar Rapids, Iowa 52406
Toll Free: 1-888-473-8521 • Fax (319) 368-8011
www. brookpub. com
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