All Rights Reserved © 2015
5 SIGNS YOU’VE HIRED
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
THE WRONG HUNTING GUIDE:
First day out, he blows into big sea shell horn to attract
game; but a bunch of Vikings show up
instead. They beat you and take your
credit card.
He shows up completely outfitted with
"Barney" camping equipment.
As you close in on a deer, he whispers in a
Elmer Fudd voice, "Be vehhwey vehhwey
quiet."
He is prone to screaming, "Run, Bambi, RUN!" just as
you’re taking aim.
He calls trees by their first names
5 HOME SAFETY TIPS
1. No matter how much he enjoys it, never let the gerbil
ride the ceiling fan.
2. Always wear protective goggles when
operating a weed-eater, working with a
power tool, or teasing your wife.
3. No matter how tempting it is, never try
to vacuum a sleeping grandpa.
4. Do not attempt to change a light bulb
while standing on the dog.
5. Cats do not like the noise from a blender. You can not change this. Do not try.
PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARIZONA, LLC - [email protected] - 480.983.9143
YOU EITHER HAVE TO BE FIRST, BEST, OR DIFFERENT
RESOLVE IS NEVER STRONGER THAN IN THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT IT WAS NEVER WEAKER
RELIGION IS WHAT KEEPS THE POOR FROM MURDERING THE RICH
THEY’VE FINALLY COME UP WITH THE PERFECT OFFICE COMPUTER. IF IT MAKES A MISTAKE, IT BLAMES ANOTHER COMPUTER
CHAOS, PANIC, PANDEMONIUM – MY WORK HERE IS DONE
IF YOU TEACH YOUR CHILDREN NOTHING ELSE, TEACH THEM THE GOLDEN RULE AND "RIGHTY-TIGHTY, LEFTY-LOOSEY”
MAY I BE EXCUSED? MY BRAIN IS FULL
* On Nov. 27, 1703, an unusual freak
storm finally dissipates over England
after wreaking havoc for two weeks.
Packing hurricane-strength winds,
the storm killed between 10,000 and
30,000 people, and sank hundreds
of Royal Navy ships.
* On Nov. 28, 1582, William Shakespeare, 18, and Anne
Hathaway, 26, pay a 40-pound bond for their marriage license
in Stratford-upon-Avon. Six months later, Anne gives birth to
their daughter, Susanna, and two years
later, to twins.
* On Nov. 29, 1929, American explorer Richard Byrd and three companions make the first flight over
the South Pole. In 1996, a diary of
Byrd's was found that seemed to
suggest his plane had turned back
150 miles short of its goal because
of an oil leak.
BY THE TIME WE’RE READY TO ADMIT WE’VE REACHED MIDDLE AGE, WE’RE BEYOND IT
* On Nov. 26, 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt
signs a bill officially establishing the fourth
Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day. In
1789, President George Washington had proclaimed a holiday of national thanksgiving
for the U.S. Constitution.
* On Nov. 23, 1936, the first issue of Life magazine is published, featuring a cover photo of the Fort Peck Dam. When it
folded during the Great Depression, publisher Henry Luce
bought the name and re-launched Life as a picture-based periodical.
* On Nov. 24, 1971, a hijacker calling himself D.B. Cooper -- wearing only wraparound sunglasses, a thin suit and a raincoat -parachutes from an airplane into a thunderstorm with 100-mph winds and temperatures well below zero over Washington
state. Despite a massive search, no trace of Cooper or the
$200,000 in ransom money he carried was ever found.
On Nov. 25, 1990, after a howling wind- and rainstorm on
Thanksgiving Day, Washington state's
historic floating Lacey V. Murrow
Memorial Bridge breaks apart and
sinks to the bottom of Lake Washington. The bridge had been made of 22
floating pontoons.
(c) 2015 King Features Synd., Inc.
PRAYER IS ALIGNING OURSELVES WITH THE PURPOSES OF GOD
USER ERROR. PLEASE REPLACE USER AND PRESS ANY KEY TO CONTINUE
ARGUING ABOUT WHETHER THE GLASS IS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY MISSES THE POINT, WHICH IS THIS: THE BARTENDER CHEATED YOU
WARNING: THE CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL MAY MAKE YOU THINK YOU ARE WHISPERING WHEN YOU ARE NOT
SMILE: IF YOU CAN’T LIFT THE CORNERS, LET THE MIDDLE SAG
I HAVE BEEN ALL THINGS UNHOLY. IF GOD CAN WORK THROUGH ME, HE CAN WORK THROUGH ANYONE. - FRANCIS OF ASSISI
A GOOD HEART
A right and good heart is a praying heart. It has within it “the
Spirit of adoption whereby we call God our Father. Its daily
feeling is, “Thy face, Lord, will I seek.” It is drawn by an habitual inclination to speak to God about spiritual things,—
weakly, feebly, and imperfectly perhaps, but speak it must. It
finds it necessary to pour out itself before God, as before a
friend, and to spread before Him all its wants and desires. It
tells Him all its secrets. It keeps back nothing from Him. You
might as well try to persuade a man to live without breathing,
as to persuade the possessor of a right heart to live without
praying. Is this heart your own?
A heart such as this has always been the possession of all true
Christians. They have differed from one another on many subjects, but their hearts have never entirely departed from the
Lord. They have often proved themselves to be men and
women laden with infirmities, but their hearts have been right
in the sight of God. They have understood one another on
earth. They have found that their experience was everywhere
one and the same. They will understand each other even better
in the world to come. All that have had “right hearts”
upon earth, will find that they have “one heart”
when they enter heaven.
Excerpt from J.C. Ryle’s pamphlet on
salvation: http://
www.tracts.ukgo.com/
john_charles_ryle.htm
TEACH US TO GIVE AND NOT TO COUNT THE COST - SAINT IGNATIUS
I DON'T THINK SO, THEREFORE I'M PROBABLY NOT
IF A MAN SAYS HE’LL FIX SOMETHING, HE WILL. THERE IS NO NEED TO REMIND HIM EVERY 6 MONTHS ABOUT IT
Answers
1. Spanish-American War
2. "Respect," in 1967
3. (Forrest) Mars & (William)
Murrie, the last names of the
candy's founders
4. San Francisco
(c) 2015 King Features Synd., Inc.
5. Wisk
6. Restaurant critic
7. Ed McMahon
8. 40 (f-o-r-t-y)
9. Green
10. A false report or story
IF YOU HAVE THE DESIRE, YOU ARE HALFWAY THERE
1. HISTORY: What conflict did Secretary of State John Hay
refer to as a "splendid little war"?
2. MUSIC: What was Aretha Franklin's first No. 1 hit?
3. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: What does the candy name
M&M's stand for?
4. GEOGRAPHY: Which California city is the farthest west - San Francisco, Los Angeles or San Diego?
5. AD SLOGANS: What laundry detergent vowed to erase
"ring around the collar"?
6. FAMOUS PEOPLE: What was the profession of Duncan
Hines, whose name became a household brand of food products?
7. TELEVISION: Who was talk-show host Johnny Carson's
announcer and sidekick?
8. MATH: What is the only number whose letters are in alphabetical order?
9. FOOD & DRINK: What is the color of the liquor called
absinthe?
10. LANGUAGE: What is the meaning of the term "canard"?
THE GLORY OF CHRISTIANITY IS TO CONQUER BY FORGIVENESS - WILLIAM BLAKE
A WOMAN WILL FORGIVE ANYTHING. OTHERWISE, THE RACE WOULD HAVE DIED OUT LONG AGO
I DON’T KILL FLIES BUT I MESS WITH THEIR MINDS. I HOLD THEM ABOVE GLOBES. THEY FREAK OUT AND YELL, ‘WHOA, I’M WAY TOO HIGH!’
CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY TRIVIA
FROM YOUR FRIENDS AT MAST ROTH FARMS

"The Nutcracker" is the most famous Christmas ballet
 "Jingle Bells" was first written for Thanksgiving and only
later became a popular Christmas songs
 If you received all of the gifts in the song "The Twelve
Days of Christmas", you would receive 364 presents
 The poinsettia plant was brought into the United States
from Mexico by Joel Poinsett in the early 1800's
 Holly berries are poisonous
 In 1843, "A Christmas Carol" was written by
Charles Dickens in just six weeks
 Alabama was the first state to officially recognize the Christmas
holiday
 Christmas became a national holiday in America on June, 26, 1870
 Coca Cola was the first beverage company to use Santa for
a winter promotion
 Traditionally, Christmas trees are taken down after Epiphany (Jan. 6)
 More diamonds are sold around Christmas than any other
time of the year.