Breaking Out Is Hard To Do!
A new play by!
Chip Bolcik
Chip Bolcik!
1297 Calle Las Trancas!
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360!
310-867-3585!
[email protected]!
WGA Registered
--1
BREAKING OUT IS HARD TO DO
TIME: The Present
SETTING: A jail cell in a minimum security prison
in Danbury, Connecticut
CHARACTERS:
TED: (50's) A risk-taking, inmate who never plans.
He's a bit of a slob
ARNIE: (50's) A risk-averse, inmate who likes things
the way they are, and keeps things in order.
GUARD: (30's) Well-built, perhaps a little slow.
SYNOPSIS: TED and ARNIE share a jail cell, as they
have for the past ten years. TED has learned that
he has a new granddaughter, and he wants to go see
her. Despite ARNIE's warnings, TED decides to break
out. He drags his friend with him, but TED is a
terrible planner and ARNIE does not like taking
chances. As a result, they end right back where
they started.
BREAKING OUT IS HARD TO DO
Lights up on jail cell. TED
and ARNIE have been together
in the same cell for ten
and a half years. TED has
received a letter from his
daughter that includes a
picture of his first
grandchild. ARNIE examines
the picture.
TED
Well?
Yeah, she's cute.
That's it?
Cute?
What do you want me to say?
Gimme the damn thing back.
Wait!
TED
ARNIE
Very cute.
She's very cute.
TED
ARNIE
I'm still trying to figure who she looks like.
What are you talking about?
I am.
ARNIE
TED
She looks like me.
Look at the eyes.
ARNIE
They look like Arlene's eyes.
No, you're not seeing them.
Yes.
TED
Do you see the color?
ARNIE
TED
Same as mine. Same eyes, same nose, same everything.
the picture back.
TED takes the picture.
Wait a minute.
ARNIE
Give me
--3
TED
What?
Don't hold it like that.
What are you talking about?
ARNIE
TED
ARNIE
With your fingers all over it like that.
it by the edges.
You'll ruin it.
Hold
TED
Now you're telling me how to hold a picture?
ARNIE
No, I'm just suggesting you should hold it by the edges so it
doesn't get smudged.
TED
What are you, the photo police?
Why are you so touchy today?
ARNIE
TED
Because I have a granddaughter and I need to go see her.
You will.
behavior.
ARNIE
In a year and a half. Maybe eight months with good
TED
I don't think I can make it that long.
You don't have a choice.
Says you.
ARNIE
TED
ARNIE
Look, why don't you just settle down and make her a nice card?
What, like art's and crafts?
Yes.
TED
ARNIE
TED
You do know we're in jail, right?
--4
ARNIE
I prefer to think of it as personal reflection time.
TED
Let me ask you something. Are you sniffing rat droppings?
not making a card. I'm gonna go see her.
What are you saying?
I'm
ARNIE
TED
I'm saying what you think I'm saying.
(whispered)
You're gonna break out?
Yes.
ARNIE
TED
(mock whispered)
ARNIE
Okay, you know what? Don't talk about it. Just don't talk,
because when this subject comes up, something bad always happens,
and usually it happens to me.
Fine.
Good.
Good.
I won't talk about it.
TED
ARNIE
TED
ARNIE
(pause)
So, when are you doing this thing?
TED
I thought you didn't want to talk about it.
ARNIE
I don't. Are you an insane person? How can you stand there and
tell me you're breaking out, just like that? Huh? How can you
say that to me?
TED
Easy, I open my mouth and the words come out.
ARNIE
And when exactly are you planning to make this mistake?
--5
TED
Today.
ARNIE
Today today?
What other today is there?
TED
Yes, today.
ARNIE
Where's the picture?
TED
Right here.
TED shows the picture to
ARNIE again.
ARNIE
Now look at it.
(TED still holds the picture
incorrectly)
Hold the edges.
Good.
TED
Stop telling me how to hold a picture.
ARNIE
Fine. Are you telling me you're willing to spend the rest of
your life in prison just because you can't wait a short year and
a half to see this little baby? Is that what you're saying to
me?
Yes, that's what I'm saying.
You're gonna get caught.
I'm not gonna get caught.
Okay, then what about me?
What about you?
TED
ARNIE
TED
ARNIE
TED
ARNIE
Does it matter to you that I might get stuck with Mongo the human
slug for my next roommate?
Roommate?
Seriously?
TED
What are you, in college?
--6
You know what I mean.
ARNIE
TED
I'm breaking out, and I'm going today.
That's it.
TED puts the picture in his
pocket. ARNIE notices how
he does so.
Now look what you're doing.
ARNIE
TED
What?
ARNIE
You just shove it in like that? You're gonna scratch it.
let me show you...
Here,
ARNIE reaches for the photo.
TED keeps it away.
TED
Will you stop with the picture?
ARNIE
Okay, fine, but when they catch you and lock you away in solitary,
all you're gonna have is a scratched, finger-printed picture.
Just remember who warned you.
TED
They're not going to catch me and I'm not going to solitary.
How do you know?
Because I have a plan.
You have a plan?
Yes.
ARNIE
TED
ARNIE
TED
ARNIE
The only person I ever met who can't think beyond the next four
minutes has a plan?
Yes.
TED
--7
Okay, I'll bite.
What is it?
ARNIE
TED
I'm not telling you.
ARNIE
Of course not, because you don't have one.
TED
Yes I do.
ARNIE
No. If you had a plan, you'd tell the whole damn cell block.
You're incapable of keeping a secret.
TED
You know what? Sometimes I include you in my plans and sometimes
I don't. This is one of those times when I don't.
Because there is no plan.
Think what you want.
ARNIE
TED
I have a plan.
TED moves away, takes the
picture out of his pocket
again and looks at it.
ARNIE
So that's it, huh? You're just going?
It's Ted's world and welcome to it.
Snapper.
What?
My advice doesn't matter?
TED
ARNIE
TED
I told you, call me Snapper from now on.
ARNIE
You want me to call you Snapper?
Yes.
Why?
TED
ARNIE
TED
It makes me sound more like a hardened criminal.
--8
ARNIE
You're not a hardened criminal. You wrote bad checks. You're in
a minimum security prison in Danbury, Connecticut, and you play
Parcheesi, for God's sake.
TED
Just call me Snapper, will you please? You never do what I say.
Never. Just this once, do me a favor and call me Snapper.
Okay, fine.
ARNIE
But after they catch you, I'm gonna call you flounder.
Very funny.
TED
Maybe you should be a joke writer.
ARNIE
When are you going through with this plan of yours?
I told you.
Today.
TED
When the guard comes.
ARNIE
You're breaking out before breakfast?
Yes.
TED
ARNIE
Don't you think you should eat first?
Why?
TED
ARNIE
You know how you are when you don't eat. You get the shakes. I
mean, men are going to be chasing you with dogs and guns and big
nets. You're gonna have to run. You shouldn't do that on an empty
stomach.
What are you, my mother now?
TED
ARNIE
I'm just saying I don't think it would be wise to go before
breakfast.
I don't like breakfast.
Since when?
Since ever.
TED
ARNIE
TED
--9
ARNIE
Wait a minute. Are you telling me you've lied to me about
breakfast all these years?
I don't know, maybe.
TED
What's the big deal?
ARNIE
The big deal? I can't believe we even have to talk about this.
If we lie to each other, if we can't trust, if we can't look each
other directly in the eye and speak the truth, what the hell is
this relationship based on?
TED
Incarceration.
Oh, that's funny.
What else?
What do you mean what else?
What else do you lie about?
ARNIE
TED
ARNIE
TED
Nothing.
ARNIE
I've lived with you for over ten years.
What else?
I know when there's more.
TED
Okay, fine. You act like you know everything - all the time.
makes me crazy.
ARNIE
If you took the time to read, maybe you'd know things too.
Reading is for sissies.
You think I'm a sissy?
No.
I think you're a psycho.
Really?
TED
ARNIE
TED
ARNIE
Well, then I have one, too.
One what?
TED
It
--10
Something that bothers me.
ARNIE
Socks.
TED
Socks?
Yes.
ARNIE
You leave them all over the floor.
TED
So what?
ARNIE
So, what kind of an impression are we going to make if we get
visitors?
What do you mean, visitors?
get visitors in our cell.
TED
We're in a federal prison.
ARNIE
Well, what if we did?
We won't.
No.
It's a prison cell.
You're also a putz.
We don't
TED
You through now?
ARNIE
With a capital "P."
ARNIE makes a "P" on his
forehead with his hands.
Why?
TED
ARNIE
You never think anything through. You just do.
out thing.
Like this breaking
TED
I almost got away with the last one.
ARNIE
Are you kidding me? You stole the warden's credit card and ordered
a car and a map from his computer.
TED
It would have worked if that stupid rental car company hadn't
called back to verify the address.
ARNIE
They called back because ordering maps and cars from a federal
prison is pretty much a red flag in the corrections industry.
--11
TED
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
ARNIE
Exactly, because you're a putz who doesn't plan.
You know what?
TED
At least I take chances.
ARNIE
What are you saying?
TED
I'm saying you're afraid to try anything new, ever.
ARNIE
What do you call buying 40 million dollars worth of stock on
insider information? I'd say that's taking a huge chance.
TED
That's not a chance. That's an investment. Taking chances is
jumping out of the fourth floor window of a confinement home,
over an electric fence, but you miscalculate and get shocked with
ten thousand volts. Taking chances is squeezing into the wheel
well of a laundry truck on a rainy night, but the mud makes you
lose your grip and you fall out and get run over by another truck.
And taking chances is seeing Linda when she makes an effort to
visit you here. You won't even do that.
ARNIE
I don't want to talk about Linda.
TED
Exactly, because you don't take chances.
living in fear.
Your whole life is about
ARNIE
I have a year and a half to go. I'm not breaking out with you.
You know what you are?
TED
You're a chicken who doesn't take risks.
ARNIE
I'm a person who plans and thinks things through.
TED
(TED imitates a chicken)
Bluk, bluk, bluk, bluk.
ARNIE
Look, if you're leaving, go already.
I will.
In a few minutes.
TED
--12
Good.
ARNIE
How 'bout you stay on your side of the room 'til then?
TED
Fine.
ARNIE
Fine.
TED sits in a chair and
puts his feet up on a box.
ARNIE watches for a minute,
then...
ARNIE
Would you please take your feet off the furniture?
It's not furniture.
TED
It's a box.
ARNIE
Well, if you're leaving, it's my box.
like you to take your feet off of it.
So if you don't mind, I'd
TED
Since when does my leaving make it yours?
Since always.
ARNIE
It's an unwritten rule.
TED
How come I never saw it before?
Because it's unwritten.
ARNIE
TED
Well, right now, I'm still here, so the box is mine.
TED swings his feet onto
his bed and touches
everything with them.
ARNIE
You're like a child, you know that?
TED
And you're like a barnyard animal commonly known as a chicken.
Bluk, bluk, bluk, bluk.
TED struts all over his
bed, imitating a chicken.
--13
Have you no shame?
ARNIE
Have you no sense of pride?
TED
Chicken!
ARNIE
So this is it, huh? This is how a ten-year relationship ends?
With you clucking like an idiot?
TED
If you're not coming, then yes. And just so we're clear, it's
still not a relationship.
TED stops, takes the picture
out of his pocket again.
Again with the touching.
TED
I don't care!
Listen, don't break out.
It's not open for discussion.
I'm not discussing.
No, I won't.
ARNIE
ARNIE
TED
ARNIE
I'm telling. You're gonna get caught.
TED
And look at the bright side.
What about the sweater?
You'll get my box.
ARNIE
TED
What sweater?
ARNIE
The brown one your daughter made for you.
Oh, that thing.
TED
No, it'll be too much to carry.
Wear it.
No, I don't like it.
ARNIE
TED
It makes me look like Norman Rockwell.
--14
ARNIE
Dana made it for you! You can't just leave it here.
(ARNIE gets the sweater out
and puts it on.)
See? Look how nice it is.
Oh, wow.
Hang on.
TED
(TED feigns surprise)
ARNIE
What?
It looks really good on you.
TED
ARNIE
Really?
TED
Yeah. Listen, tell you what. You keep it. I'll tell Dana I
gave it to you for your birthday or something. She loves when I
do that kinda shit.
ARNIE
Okay, I see what you're doing here. So not only do you lie to
me. Now you're gonna to lie to your own daughter, too? How do
you live with yourself?
Fine.
TED
Give me the damn sweater.
Off stage, a GUARD speaks.
Stand away from the doors!
Shhh!
Here comes the guard.
GUARD
(O.S.)
TED
Get ready.
TED moves to his side of
the cell and feigns
disinterest.
What do you mean, get ready?
There's no time.
Sit!
ARNIE
I'm not getting ready for anything.
TED
Sit on your bed!
(ARNIE doesn't move.)
ARNIE sits on his bed near
the cell door.
--15
Morning boys.
GUARD
Time for breakfast. Hash today.
The GUARD unlocks and opens
the door.
Oh, Arnie, look.
TED
Your shoe's untied!
ARNIE extends his foot to
look. As he does, TED
jumps behind the guard and
pushes. The guard trips
over ARNIE's foot and falls
to the floor, hitting his
head and going unconscious.
ARNIE immediately tries to
help the GUARD.
Oh, my God, Joe.
ARNIE
I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Joe?
He shakes the GUARD.
I can't believe you did that.
I didn't do anything!
Not me.
TED
ARNIE
It was your fault!
You tripped him.
TED
I saw the whole thing.
What are you talking about?
ARNIE
You told me my shoe was untied.
TED
I didn't say put your foot out and trip him. You did that all by
yourself.
Maybe I should call the other guards...
ARNIE
This is not my fault. I know what you're doing. You're trying
to get me to escape with you and I'm not gonna do it.
Whatever.
Guards...
ARNIE
Shut up! I'm waking him.
(ARNIE shakes the GUARD.)
Hey Joe? Come on. Get up, will ya?
(MORE)
Shut up!
Joe?
TED
I better report you then.
(quietly)
--16
ARNIE (CONT'D)
(to TED)
Are you going to help?
Uh, uh.
TED
I'm not getting involved.
I'm not breaking out with you.
ARNIE
TED
There's an unconscious guard on the floor.
you're gonna be okay if you stay here?
ARNIE
I'm not going.
Ever had guard sex before?
this.
Guard sex?
TED
Because you're gonna get it after
ARNIE
What the hell is that?
You don't want to know.
TED
ARNIE
Damn you, Ted!
Snapper!
Do you really think
Call me Snapper!
TED
ARNIE
You are the worst person ever, you know that?
I'm doing this.
TED brightens.
You're coming?
TED
ARNIE
Hurry up, before I change my mind.
Okay, great.
TED
Put him in my bed. C'mon.
They put the GUARD in TED's
bed, then put the sheets
over him as if he's
sleeping. The GUARD's
radio goes off.
I can't believe
--17
Block three, guard 27, report.
Shit.
ARNIE (O.S.)
What do we do?
TED (O.S.)
I don't know.
VOICE (O.S.)
Guard 27, report!
TED (O.S.)
Can you imitate him?
ARNIE (O.S.)
No.
VOICE (O.S.)
Joe Samuels, report!
TED
Shit.
This is Joe.
(imitating - into the radio)
What's up?
VOICE (O.S.)
Say code.
TED
What code?
I don't know.
ARNIE
Talk!
Uh... Code blue?
Oh, shit.
VOICE (O.S.)
(into radio)
TED
(An alarm instantly goes
off.)
We gotta go. Come on.
TED puts pillows into ARNIE's
bed to make it look like a
body's there.
I'm not that fat.
It's not a fashion show.
ARNIE
TED
C'mon!
--18
They start to leave. TED
throws his sweater on
ARNIE's bed.
ARNIE
What are you doing?
TED
Giving it a Norman Rockwell look.
ARNIE
You're unbelievable.
They exit. There are
clanging sounds off stage.
Duct work?
ARNIE
That's your plan, to go into duct work?
TED
Yes.
ARNIE
It's filthy in there!
It's the only way.
C'mon.
TED
They crawl onto the stage
single file, as if in tight
duct work. All action
takes place in this duct
work now. The alarm, now
muffled, continues to sound
in the background.
I SO hate you right now.
ARNIE
You're unbelievable, you know that?
What are you talking about?
No, we're not fine.
Because of me?
TED
We're fine.
ARNIE
I could die now because of you!
TED
You're the one who tripped him.
ARNIE
If I were in better shape and I knew how to fight, I swear to
God, I would kick your ass right this second.
ARNIE stops and inspects
the floor with his hand.
--19
TED
What are you doing?
Look at this.
It's filthy.
It's duct work in a prison.
ARNIE
Doesn't anybody clean in here?
TED
I don't think it's a high priority.
ARNIE
Well, it should be. People have to breathe this crap.
I'm gonna write a letter of complaint to the warden.
TED
Yeah, you do that.
(Sneezes)
Shhh!
Let's go.
TED
(They crawl forward, TED
just barely getting off
stage on the other side.)
TED
Oh, shit.
(O.S.)
ARNIE (O.S.)
What, oh, shit?
TED
Back up.
(O.S.)
ARNIE
Why?
Just do it.
ARNIE
Back up!
TED
Back up!
They quickly back up.
ARNIE
What is it?
There's a guard up ahead.
TED
I didn't expect that.
ARNIE
You didn't expect a guard in a jail during a break out?
Not up there, no.
Shit.
TED
You know,
--20
ARNIE
You have no plan for this, do you? I knew it!
You never plan!
TED finds a turn in the
duct work. ARNIE follows.
They crawl around the stage
now, following various
turns.
Just shut up, will you please?
TED
I have to think.
You know what your problem is?
ARNIE
You're completely out of control.
TED
At least I made something happen instead of just sitting in the
same cell day after day, year after year.
ARNIE
What do you mean, you made it happen?
him?
TED
Yeah, whatever.
Ah, ha!
I thought you said I tripped
ARNIE
So you admit this was your fault, right?
They stop crawling
Not in a court of law, no.
TED
Come on!
ARNIE
Bastard!
TED resumes crawling. ARNIE
grabs him and tries to get
him to fight. It's
pathetic.
What are you doing?
ARNIE
Fight me.
Fight you?
TED
Are you crazy?
TED
Why?
ARNIE
It'll look like you forced me to go with you, and that I'm trying
to get away and go back to my cell. Come on, fight me.
(MORE)
--21
Ow!
That hurt.
You're an idiot.
Son of a bitch.
ARNIE (CONT'D)
(ARNIE punches TED in the
shoe.)
TED
Who hits a shoe?
ARNIE
I hope they give you the chair.
He swings again and hits
TED's thigh. It's
ineffective.
Cut it out, will you?
TED
TED crawls. ARNIE grabs
TED's feet. TED drags ARNIE
as they speak.
ARNIE
(as if to the guards)
Don't hurt me, Snapper. I don't want to escape with you, even if
you kill me first. Don't kill me, Snapper.
Okay, listen to me.
Good.
TED
Stop it or I really am going hurt you!
(to TED)
ARNIE
(To guards)
Oh, no, is that a gun Snapper?
TED
(To guards)
No, I don't have a gun. There is no gun!
(to ARNIE)
Seriously? This is how you're gonna end it?
After ten years?
ARNIE
Yes. You only care about you. You never give a damn about anyone
else. What kind of a person leaves a sweater behind that his own
daughter made, and then forces his cell mate to come with him,
huh?
(to guards)
You're a cold-blooded sweater-killer, Snapper!
TED
Shut up. Will you please? Just shut up. We'll find a way out!
All I wanted to do was help you. Can't you even see that?
--22
ARNIE
No. All I see a selfish man who's going to get me the chair
because he doesn't consider anyone else's feelings - just his
own. That's what I see.
TED sees a grate ahead, and
tries to open it.
TED
Wait. There's grate in front of me.
up here and help me kick it out.
I can't get it open.
Move
ARNIE
You have to move and give me room.
Where?
There's nowhere to go.
TED
TED tries to pull ARNIE's
arm up through his legs to
get his help. Their
struggle turns into more
pathetic fighting.
ARNIE
I swear to God, if I get caught and they give me the chair, I'm
never speaking to you again.
Good.
TED
You're a lousy cell mate anyway.
Ouch.
I am not.
You are.
ARNIE
TED
At least I care enough to help you escape.
Stop helping!
ARNIE
I hate you helping! I wanna go back!
They struggle. As they do,
TED works the grate, and
it opens. TED reacts.
Ha!
It's open.
Oh, no.
What?
TED
Come on.
(TED crawls out of the duct
work and sees where they
are - back in their cell.)
ARNIE
(MORE)
--23
Seriously?
ARNIE (CONT'D)
(ARNIE crawls out and
realizes they are back in
their cell)
The GUARD stirs. TED moves
to close the cell's door.
ARNIE replaces the grate
and cleans up any evidence
of their escape attempt.
Ugghhh.
GUARD
What happened?
TED
You okay Joe?
I don't know.
What happened?
You fell and hit your head.
GUARD
TED
We've been worried sick.
What am I doing in bed?
GUARD
ARNIE
We didn't know what else to do to help you.
I need to call in the code.
Yes, call in the code, please!
GUARD
TED
TED hands the GUARD his
walkie talkie. The GUARD
speaks into it.
This is Joe Samuels.
GUARD
Code 1527 blue.
Code 1527 blue.
The alarm goes silent.
TED
(to ARNIE)
Well, at least I got the blue part right.
(to the GUARD)
You know, you have Arnie here to thank.
What?
ARNIE
--24
TED
Yeah, he tripped and you tried to catch him. I saw the whole thing.
(to the GUARD)
I was just getting ready to show him a picture of my new
granddaughter when he jumped up to catch you. Do you remember
that?
GUARD
No.
TED
Yeah, then he took a chance and said we should put you in bed
'til you came around.
GUARD
You did take a chance. The other guards would have guard sexed
you if they found out about this.
Guard sexed me?
ARNIE
What the hell does that mean?
You don't want to know.
GUARD
ARNIE
Yeah, well, we did what we could. And, really, you have Snapper
here to thank.
Ted.
Call me Ted.
TED
ARNIE
Oh, right. I mean, it was Ted's idea to make sure you were okay.
We could have escaped or something, but he said, no, that would
be a bad plan.
That's right, it would be.
GUARD
ARNIE
I agree. He didn't want to jeopardize getting to see his
granddaughter in a year and a half, you know?
GUARD
Right.
(to TED)
Can I see the picture?
Uh, sure.
Here.
TED
(MORE)
--25
Not the middle.
TED (CONT'D)
(TED carefully takes the
picture from his pocket
and hands it to the guard.
The GUARD holds it the
wrong way.)
GUARD
What?
TED
You're holding it in the wrong place.
That way it'll last longer.
Hold it by the edges.
TED and ARNIE exchange
glances again.
You sound like my wife.
No.
GUARD
TED
I sound like my best friend.
FADE OUT: