Tea and Sympathy – is that enough?
Eve is a team manager, and furious with one of her staff. “After all I‟ve done
for her! I felt really sorry for her after her Dad died and gave her extra time
off, sorted out her duty rota, got other staff to cover for her and so on. And
she just throws it back in my face, having a go at me in the team meeting
suggesting that I‟m side-lining her and so on.” What has gone wrong here?
Empathy
How do you define empathy, in one sentence? I often ask this of groups and
individuals who dealing with difficult situations and relationships in the
workplace. The answers vary of course, but in general the responses are along
the lines of: “Understanding someone else‟s situation/perspective” “Putting
yourself in someone else‟s shoes/place”. These answers are very revealing. I
then might ask if they believe their colleagues or clients are unique. After
some thought, the general feeling is of course, everybody is an individual,
therefore unique. If so, everybody‟s story or situation has to be at least
slightly different. It is therefore impossible to understand someone else‟s
situation fully, and equally impossible to put ourselves in their position.
This can be a humbling position, especially for those with lots of experience
who feel they know what someone else is going through by intuition. Equally,
the person who has had a similar experience may make the mistake of not fully
engaging with the situation in question because they are distracted by their
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own interpretation. The result can be to seem patronising or uncaring. Have
you ever had someone say to you “Oh I know just how you feel…” and you think
to yourself „No you don‟t!‟ We can only try to understand the other
perspective, try to put ourselves in their place. It is the attempt that is
powerful and breaks through to new understanding.
Sympathy
As described in the diagram, Eve has sympathised with her staff member and
tries to „rescue‟ her. So she wades in, trying to fix the situation. This is all
done with the best of intentions, but it backfires because it isn‟t necessarily
what her colleague wants or needs. As we worked this through, it became
apparent that Eve had immediately assumed the staff member would want the
kind of support Eve herself had needed some years before. When we
sympathise, we get caught up in the emotion, but professionally we may lose
critical objectivity and effectiveness. Hence in the diagram we see the
practitioner sinking in the metaphorical quick sand of the other person‟s issues.
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Apathy
A further pitfall for Eve, is that because of this one negative experience it may
affect the way she responds to similar situations in the future. Let‟s imagine
six months later, a different member of staff describes something that has a
similar theme. As it is being described, Eve goes to passive listening mode
because she feels „Here we go again.‟ She switches off from listening fully
because she has already decided that she won‟t get involved. This may
manifest in lots of different ways, but at the heart of it is apathy. Apathy
usually manifests itself in the form of distracted listening. In honesty this
happens to all of us some of the time, when someone‟s talking and for
whatever reason we can‟t be bothered to hear fully what is being said.
Perhaps it is because we‟ve heard it so often before, or we disagree with what
is being said. Instead of having the courage to be open about what is going on
for us, too often we let it go, resulting in an often repeated cycle of poor
communication.
Working with the illustration
To conclude, the illustration has emerged as a workable metaphor to remind us
that to work empathically is a real skill of balance. We need to show we are
connected to what is being said without either getting sucked in or shutting
down. Real empathy is apparent through body language and choice of words to
convey true listening.
For example, if someone is distressed, the listener‟s body language should echo
something of the talker‟s body language to show interest, even care. If body
language is too motionless, in that context it is likely to communicate
disinterest (apathy). On the other hand, too much mirroring can seem
patronising or false. Words too can contribute or hinder. If the listener says
“That‟s awful!” with feeling, that suggests sympathy because it is very
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subjective. The listener can say “That sounds awful!” with as much feeling,
but the words subtly convey an appropriate distance or objectivity. This isn‟t
as easy as it sounds and takes practice as there isn‟t a formula. Now, where‟s
that cup of tea?
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24/05/2010