Cheating: Why Partners Need to Know the Truth
By John M. Grohol. Posted on Oct 29th 2012.
http://www.yourtango.com/experts/john-m-grohol/cheating-why-partners-need-know-truth
If you're longing for full disclosure about your partner's infidelity, there are some good reasons
This guest article from PsychCentral was written by Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S
“Infidelity is the breakdown of trust caused by keeping secrets in an intimate partnership.” –
Robert Weiss
The Agony of Betrayal
I’ve employed the above definition to describe cheating ever since the Internet came along in the
early 1990’s. When working with clients and their betrayed spouses, I attempt to bring home the
concept that it is the betrayal of relationship trust caused by consistent lying, rather than any
specific sexual act, that both defines infidelity and causes the deepest pain to the betrayed
partner. The emotional violation and trauma experienced by a spouse who is forced to live with
ongoing secrets, lies, and the resulting denial of his or her own reality by a cheating partner is
indeed deep. The sudden discovery or unraveling awareness that a long-term intimate partner has
been living a secret life filled with sexual infidelity—whether that infidelity has been carried out
in-vivo (affairs, prostitutes, anonymous sexual partners, etc.) or online (porn, webcams, social
media, dating/hookup sites, etc.)—evokes feelings that lead the betrayed partner to question
literally everything about his or her relationship.
More from YourTango: 7 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life
It is frequently the case when working with a betrayed spouse or life-partner (much as it is with
abused children) that the victim will begin to question his or her own behavior, often
experiencing guilt, shame, self-doubt, and remorse when reviewing the past. Attempting to
establish some sort of emotional control over their grief, betrayed partners will turn on
themselves as a source of the problem. It’s all too common for these individuals to think, “If I’d
just been nicer, or better in bed, or thinner, or more emotionally supportive then he wouldn’t
have turned to all those other women,” or, “If I made more money, was better endowed, had
more hair, or drove a nicer car then she wouldn’t be meeting up with those old boyfriends she
discovered on Facebook.” Betrayed spouses also find themselves examining feelings and
misgivings they previously pushed aside when believing the lies they were told; oftentimes they
wonder why they chose to ignore their self-protective instincts. Even worse, they may begin to
question if they’ll ever be able to regain the trust they need to stay in this or any other
relationship.
This negative self-appraisal is both normal and an understandable part of the grief process—
especially when the source of that grief is the loss of what one thought his or her primary
relationship to be. In cases involving repetitive patterns of cheating, betrayal, and lies, a wide
range of powerful emotions are likely to be unleashed and to stick around for quite some time.
Some more common responses to learning about a loved one’s infidelity include:
If you're longing for full disclosure about your partner's infidelity, there are some good reasons
•
Shock/Despair/Depression – The betrayed spouse is oftentimes numb and somewhat
unable to function. Other people may be livid and screaming that they should take action
(separation, divorce, etc.), but early on the betrayed spouse is more often seeking insight,
validation for his or her feelings, and emotional stability as opposed to drastic action.
•
Self-Doubt/Remorse/Shame – As stated above, many betrayed spouses blame
themselves for not having seen the patterns of lying and deceit, and for not acting sooner.
Some will tell no one about what they are going through due to shame and fear of
judgment. Sadly, this leaves them isolated in their fear and hurt.
•
Honeymooning – Some betrayed spouses move full-force into romance/seduction mode,
thinking that if they provide enough sex, their partner won’t “need” to stray.
•
Blaming Third-Parties – Betrayed spouses often direct the brunt of their anger onto the
person (or people) with whom their partner cheated, viewing their spouse as an “innocent
victim” of someone else’s unscrupulous behavior. Cheating partners are supportive of
this, as it takes the heat off them.
•
Detective work – Betrayed spouses often go through cell phone and credit card bills,
wallets, and pockets, and ask endless questions, all in an attempt to understand the
entirety of what has occurred.
•
PTSD Symptoms Such as Rage, Mood Swings, Withdrawal, and Hyper-Vigilance –
Betrayed spouses will display love and then become rageful for no overtly obvious
reason. For example: inadvertently seeing a sexualized image in a magazine ad or
watching a romantic movie scene can trigger feelings of hurt, insecurity, and anger.
•
Poor Boundaries – Lacking others who will understand and wanting to lash out, a ragefilled spouse may act in ways he or she later regrets. This behavior may include co-opting
children by telling them “what daddy or mommy did to me,” and telling bosses, mothers,
and others about the infidelity. Some spouses will resort to verbal and even physical
abuse toward the unfaithful partner.
If you're longing for full disclosure about your partner's infidelity, there are
some good reasons
•
To validate their suspicions about what was happening in the relationship
—suspicions their spouse dismissed and/or denied at the time
•
To know if they’re at risk for sexually transmitted diseases, financial
disaster, public humiliation, etc.
•
To determine if and to what degree the cheating partner values their
relationship
•
To gain a sense of control over an out-of-control situation
•
To help them determine how to proceed (or not proceed) with the
relationship
•
To see what else their spouse has lied about, as trust isn’t partial and
betrayed spouses lose faith in everything about the relationship, not just
things related to sex
For couples wishing to remain together, full disclosure all at once protects
betrayed spouses from the continued emotional body blows produced by partial
truths revealed over time. It also increases the odds that trust can be rebuilt. An
unfaithful spouse who tells the full truth and then continues to be honest about
his or her behavior has a much better chance of eventually regaining the
respect of the betrayed partner.
More from YourTango: Are Rebound Relationships Doomed? [EXPERT]
I cannot emphasize strongly enough the need for disclosure to be carefully
planned, organized, and carried out in a clinical setting. This process should
not be undertaken without the supervision and involvement of licensed
clinician(s) who have worked with both parties to prepare them for the process
and potential outcomes of disclosure—as the sharing of this history, even in a
safe, controlled, therapeutic setting, is unavoidably a traumatic event. In fact,
many betrayed spouses, both before and after learning about a loved one’s
pattern of infidelity, experience acute stress symptoms and even symptoms of
PTSD (note Emma’s inability to concentrate at work, her frequent mood shifts,
and her compulsive eating/spending). The phenomenon of relationship betrayal
as a form of trauma is the subject of next week’s blog.