ACT ONE, SCENE ONE:
(In darkness we hear the alphabet song,
sung by a child. Then lights up on
a large children’s room with two antique
cradles, both flying Harvard pennants, two
antique dressers, two computers on an
oak table, one rocking chair. Colorful math
equations on the wallpaper. Erector sets,
Cuisinaire rods, word games.Posters of
Einstein, Shakespeare and Beethoven,
also lists of questions like: What was
Raskolnikov’s crime? What was his
punishment? Why did Hester Prynne have
to wear a red “A”? What famous music
composer was deaf? Who cut off his ear
and gave it to his girlfriend? Why did
Hamlet kill his uncle? A Mozart sonata
begins to play softly.
SAMANTHA, hugely pregnant,
well-dressed and made up, is sitting
in rocker talking on a red phone.
On the floor by her feet are poster
boards and magic markers.)
SAMANTHA
No, I want to enroll the twins now! If there’s a huge waiting list, what difference does it
make if they’re not born yet? They’re already enrolled at Harvard.
(Listens.)
I have checked out other Montessori schools, and yours is clearly the best.
(Listens.)
I can’t believe this. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.
(She slams down phone, closes her
eyes and breathes deeply. Then, to
her stomach.)
Don’t worry, sweeties. Mother wasn’t really upset. Listen to the lovely music and become
sensitive. Mother is going to keep breathing deeply while we try a little Shakespeare.
“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
(Opens her eyes.)
Where was I? Oh, yes, the health posters.
(Kneels down, with difficulty, and writes
on poster boards.)
No sugar. No chocolate. No mindless snacks like Cheez Doodles and Slim Jims. White
bread makes you bland and boring. Never use mayonnaise with pastrami or corned
beef. Don’t eat in a Mexican restaurant that offers “American” food on the menu. Wine is
to be sipped, not gulped. Dry wine is best, except for dessert. Or late in the evening.
Never drink beer with fondue, it will make a lump in your stomach. Many foods are said
to cause cancer. Check with Mother before eating ANYTHING.
(Phone rings. She answers.)
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SAMANTHA (cont’d)
Hello.
(Listens.)
When do we want what rocking horses delivered? I didn’t order any rocking horses.
(Listens.
I don’t care if they are a gift from Mrs. Feldman; cancel the order!
(Slams down phone.)
SAUL
(Enters, carrying a briefcase. He’s
dressed in a suit and tie.)
Sorry I’m late.
(Kisses her.)
SAMANTHA
I’ve had a terrible afternoon. Two disasters: F.A.O Schwartz just called. Your mother
tried to give the twins rocking horses.
SAUL
(Opens briefcase, takes out a bottle of
Scotch and a glass. Pours himself some.)
Great.
(Removes his tie.)
God, what a day! Turns out our estimate for the hospital was too low. I’ve been in
meetings all day, trying to renegotiate. I should have gone into something simple, like
law.
SAMANTHA
Saul. We’ve already decided. No mindless toys. Your mother knows that.
SAUL
Come on, Sam. Rocking horses aren’t toys; they’re essential.
SAMANTHA
(Heaving herself into rocker.)
They create vacuous sensuality. Remember Lawrence’s “Rocking Horse Winner”?
SAUL
(Kisses the top of her head.)
No. I had a rocking horse when I was a kid.
SAMANTHA
Thanks to your mother. Don’t drink in here! The twins will see you as an example. I don’t
want them to become alcoholics and have to go to AA meetings three times a week for
the rest of their lives while we go to Alanon. Not that I have anything against the Twelve
Step Program, but there are so many other ways we could all be spending our time…
SAUL
Hey, when I come home from work, I want a drink. If you insist on staying in here, and
you want to see me, you’re going to see a drink in my hand. And notice: I’m not smoking
in here.
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SAMANTHA
Well, at least it isn’t beer. I remember all those disgusting men with big beer bellies
sitting on their steps in summer, burping like foghorns… (Beat.) Isn’t that funny? I had
something else to tell you.
(Doorbell rings.)
SAUL
I’ll get it.
(He exits.)
SAMANTHA
Oh, now I remember. Why I am getting so forgetful?
SAUL
(Enters, ripping open a large box.)
The Oxford English Dictionary?
SAMANTHA
Are there more boxes?
SAUL
No, thank god.
SAMANTHA
I ordered all twelve volumes, not the two-volume set. Do you want the twins to ruin their
eyes and have to wear trifocals by the time they’re six? Of course, they do have Verilux
lenses now, but… Send it back!
SAUL
Come on, Sam. I don’t want to handle stuff like this.
SAMANTHA
Never mind. I’ll take care of it tomorrow. You’ve got to call Harvey right away.
SAUL
(He opens box, pulls out magnifying
glass and stares at SAMANTHA
through it.)
Why should I call Harvey?
SAMANTHA
We’re taking the Montessori school to court. They refuse to enroll the twins till they’re
born.
SAUL
(Wandering around the room,
inspecting things with his
magnifying glass.)
Did you ever look at Beethoven’s eyes through a magnifying glass? Pretty scary.
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SAMANTHA
Saul. You know I’m not easily distracted.
SAUL
I don’t have time for another legal battle. Can’t we just drop it? Send them to another
Montessori school?
SAMANTHA
They’re the best. Elena Smith’s children are already enrolled.
SAUL
They’re two years old. Does it have to be Montessori? What about that Steiner school in
Spring Valley?
SAMANTHA
They don’t start reading till they’re seven. At the Montessori they begin at four. Which
may be a little late if they’re going to win the Prodigy Prize.
SAUL
The what?
SAMANTHA
Didn’t you read the article in the Times? Once every three years different multinational
corporations are going to give a one hundred thousand dollar prize to a fifteen-year-old
who creates a work of genius in science or the arts.
SAUL
What about fun? Didn’t you ever have fun as a kid?
SAMANTHA
I certainly did. That’s why I was only admitted to a SUNY school. Barely. But they’ll have
fun—ballet classes, gymnastics, art, music…
SAUL
(Sits on floor, plays with erector set.)
I went to a SUNY school, and I’m doing fine.
SAMANTHA
Didn’t you have music lessons when you were little?
SAUL
No. Did you have music lessons?
SAMANTHA
I wanted to play piano, but my parents couldn’t afford a teacher. I remember in fourth
grade I had a friend, Mimi, who lived in a huge, beautiful house, and her parents gave
her violin lessons and ballet classes…. I was so jealous!
SAUL
I had to work every day after school at my uncle’s hardware store.
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SAMANTHA
My first job was attaching price tags on underwear in Sears. I was fourteen, stuck in a
back room during a summer so hot we had an electrical fire, and the firemen came in
and hacked a hole in the wall right across from me…
(She begins tacking posters to walls.)
SAUL
You worked at Macy’s in high school. That’s where I met you, remember? I came in to
buy my first men’s cologne to impress the girls, and there you were, so beautiful…
SAMANTHA
You took me out to Burger King after work.
SAUL
Yeah. We ate cheeseburgers, and I wiped the grease off your chin.
SAMANTHA
Oh, god, that’s right. I was so embarrassed!
SAUL
You were cute, blushing…
SAMANTHA
At least our children won’t have to work the way we did. Or eat at Burger King and get ill
from all those trans fats or die of Mad Cow Disease.
SAUL
Listen, if I hadn’t developed a work ethic as a kid, I wouldn’t be able to afford to indulge
you in this….idea of yours about our little guys.
SAMANTHA
I know, darling. I appreciate that. And someday, when the twins are magnificently
successful in everything they do, you’ll realize…
SAUL
Sometimes I think we shouldn’t have moved out here. Too much pressure.
SAMANTHA
What are you talking about?
SAUL
All these parents competing with each other. We were happier in our apartment in the
Bronx.
SAMANTHA
I wasn’t. Dark, little rooms, roaches in the bathroom and kitchen, bad plumbing…
SARAH
(Calls offstage.)
Hey, kids, I’m here.
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SAUL
We had sex then. Don’t you miss it, Sam? Those hot, sweaty summer nights?
SAMANTHA
Shhhh! Not in front of the twins. By the way, I wrote to Yo Yo Ma about teaching them
violin. How much do you think Baryshnikov would charge for ballet lessons?
SAUL
A thousand bucks a minute?
SARAH
(Enters, carrying boxes, which she
sets in a cradle. She wears brightly
colored ethnic clothes. Her long, gray
hair is held on her head by chopsticks.)
Dinner’s here! Sushi.
SAUL
Damn it, Mother! You know I’m allergic to fish.
SARAH
That’s not you. It’s your brother Ben who’s got a fish allergy. Want to eat in here?
SAMANTHA
No.
SAUL
Why not? We do everything else in here. Almost.
SARAH
Fine. I’ll get the card table and the Japanese beer.
(She exits.)
SAUL
See? She never remembers which one I am.
SAMANTHA
She shouldn’t have had so many children. It was irresponsible when they were so poor.
SAUL
Your folks were poor.
SAMANTHA
Yes, and they only had two children. Which they couldn’t afford. Can you get home early
tomorrow? I’ve scheduled nanny interviews starting at five.
SARAH
(Returns with card table and beer.
Begins setting up.)
Was F.A.O. crowded today! I got the twins a little present.
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SAMANTHA
Sarah…
SAUL
That’s nice, Mother.
SAMANTHA
As you know, Sarah, we have an agreement: no mindless toys.
SARAH
I picked up some cole slaw and potato salad to go with the sushi.
SAUL
At least I’ll have something to eat.
SAMANTHA
I canceled the rocking horse order.
SARAH
Samantha, you’re going to create monsters. Those were good horses, carved and
painted like carousels. I used the credit card Saul gave me.
SAMANTHA
If you’re dying to spend Saul’s money, get them art supplies or musical instruments.
(She turns off music, turns on
French lessons.)
FRENCH TAPE
Comment allez-vous? Très bien, merci. Et vous?
(The tape continues quietly.)
SARAH
Dinner’s ready.
SARAH (cont’d)
(Sits at table.)
You kids never were much fun, you know that? And your father was even worse. What a
serious family I had!
SAUL
(Sits at table.)
I was fun. I was always the joker.
SARAH
I thought that was your cousin Vic. Come sit, Samantha.
SAMANTHA
In a minute.
(Surveys the walls.)
Should I put up a Monet or a Manet? I wish we could afford a real Van Gogh. Could we,
Saul?
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SAUL
You’re kidding, right?
SAMANTHA
The colors in a painting are so much more vibrant. I grew up with faded Van Gogh prints
on my bedroom walls, and when I finally saw his paintings at the Met, I was absolutely
stunned. (Beat.) But I’d settle for a Bonnard or even a Degas, if necessary.
SARAH
(Serving sushi.)
You didn’t notice my new dress. I got it in the designer section at Lord and Taylor.
(She turns around, showing off.)
SAMANTHA
Was it on sale?
SARAH
I don’t do sales anymore, now that my first-born is rich. And so generous.
SAMANTHA
A little too generous, if you ask me.
SARAH
I didn’t.
SAMANTHA
Well, it would have been considerate if you…
SAUL
(Avoiding a battle.)
Mother, I know this will come as a surprise to you, but I don’t eat fish.
SARAH
Were you the one who ate nothing but Ritz crackers till you were ten?
SAUL
That was the kid up the street. The stringy-haired one with zits on her feet. Sally.
SARAH
Sally! Last time I heard she was a disc jockey on a Mormon radio station. Isn’t anybody
drinking beer with me? It’s Kirin.
(SAUL takes one, SAMANTHA refuses.)
SAMANTHA
Saul and I have to decide on names and religion. Don’t you think it’s a good idea for the
twins to have a sampling of both religions?
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SARAH
Nope.
SAMANTHA
Don’t be afraid to express your opinions, Sarah. (Beat.) I was thinking of an alternation
between Judaism and Christianity. To give them a sense of their double heritage.
SAUL
Give them a briss, then wash them off with a baptism? Maybe we could find one of those
churches where everyone jumps into a swimming pool. You with one twin in your arms,
me with the other? But they might not like blood in the water.
SAMANTHA
One of the twins is a girl.
SAUL
Right. I forgot.
SAMANTHA
Temple one weekend, and an Episcopal church the next.
SARAH
Is this nouvelle religion? Like rabbit pizza?
SAMANTHA
Fine. Let them be raised Jewish.
SARAH
Why don’t we take them to Ireland and get them into druidic tree worship?
SAMANTHA
Or we could raise them Jewish but name them Christopher and Christine.
SARAH
Whatever you do, don’t name them after some false messiah. How about neutral names
like Rachel and Aaron?
SAUL
Or Krishna and what was his wife’s name? Sally?
SARAH
Pardon me while I have a heart attack.
SAMANTHA
Why do you two make fun of everything I say? I bring up a serious subject, and you
won’t even consider it.
SARAH
Look, Samantha. My boy was raised Jewish, and even though it was hard for us when
he said he was going to marry a shiksa…
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SAMANTHA
I don’t like the way you say that.
SARAH
It just means goy. Which you are, yes?
SAMANTHA
I know what it means, Sarah.
SAUL
Sam, if I’d been prejudiced against shiksas, I wouldn’t have married you.
SARAH
And we let our formerly devout Jewish son marry you, so we weren’t prejudiced against
goyim. Although it would have been terrific if he…
SAMANTHA
All I’m trying to do is think of names that rise above both our backgrounds. Is that so
terrible? Do you both feel the need to constantly stigmatize me?
(She starts to cry.)
SAUL
Don’t cry, Sam. I can’t stand it.
(He kisses her tenderly.)
Let’s think of names we can all agree on.
SAMANTHA
(Still sniffling, she looks up.)
Kevin and Kimberly?
SARAH
Those are nice names. Sounds like a lawyer’s office.
SAUL
Sounds okay.
SAMANTHA
(Wiping her eyes.)
Kevin and Kimberly. Our little lawyers. Or doctors. Or famous novelists, or scientists,
or…
SAUL
I’m turning off the French lessons. I’m going to dream of little, bearded Frenchmen in
long white robes, kneeling in front of wild, Irish trees while they drink Japanese beer and
chant some Episcopal liturgy.
(He turns tape off.)
10
SAMANTHA
(Turns tape back on.)
No, Saul. I called the French ambassador today to see if they could get into the
Sorbonne for graduate school. He said fine, if they come from the International French
School, so I called them, and they were very….
(She mispronounces these words.)
aimable, ouvert…
SARAH
Poor kids. So much pressure.
SAUL
Mother’s right, Sam. Let up a little.
SAMANTHA
Don’t gang up on me again! Our twins are going to have everything we didn’t.
SARAH
Okay, I’m off. No more fights tonight. Oh, wait a minute. I forgot the fortune cookies.
(She exits.)
SAUL
(Goes to SAMANTHA, puts his arms around
her.)
You feeling okay now?
SAMANTHA
Not exactly.
SARAH
(Enters.)
Here they are.
SAUL
(Taking one.)
Fortune cookies aren’t Japanese.
SARAH
I know. I took a little walk through Chinatown this afternoon. Here, Samantha.
SAMANTHA
Thanks.
SARAH
So. Let’s share fortunes. Mine is” There’s a porpoise in everyone’s life.” Hah! I guess I’ll
visit mine at the zoo.
SAUL
“You will always be rich.”
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SAMANTHA
“You will get everything you ask for.”
SARAH
Isn’t that nice? Okay, I exit stage left. Sleep well.
(She exits.)
SAMANTHA
When did your mother start cultivating her bohemian image?
SAUL
After my dad died and we’d all left home. She was bored.
SAMANTHA
You should take back your credit card. It’s not right the way she spends your money.
SAUL
I can’t do that.
SAMANTHA
Why not?
SAUL
She’s my mother! I owe her. (Beat.) Coming to bed?
SAMANTHA
You go ahead. I want to play the twins some more French for a while.
SAUL
Don’t be too long, sweetheart.
(He exits. SAMANTHA’s eyes close
again, the French tape fades down,
and we hear baby voices, coming
from her womb.)
KIMBERLY
Comment allez-vous?
KEVIN
Très bien, merci, Et vous?
KIMBERLY
Pas mal.
KEVIN
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperament.
KIMBERLY
Temperate, silly. Not temperament.
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KEVIN
Tiger, tiger, burning bright, In the forest of the fight…
KIMBERLY
Oh, Kevin. It’s night, not fight.
KEVIN
Never mind. Poetry bores me. If you think about it too much, it’ll rot your mind.
KIMBERLY
You know, even though we have the same environment, you’ll never really understand
me. I feel so isolated. Already the world seems flat and stale because I know true
communication is impossible.
KEVIN
Don’t give me that Derrida crap. He’s passé already.
SAMANTHA
Ahhhhhh!
SAUL (V.O.)
What is it, Sam?
SAMANTHA
My water broke! I’m in labor. Ahhhhh!
KIMBERLY
Here we go, Kevin. Into the cold, cruel world.
KEVIN
Out of the way, sister. I’m going first!
KIMBERLY
Oh, no, you’re not! I’m going to win that genius prize.
(Lights out.)
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