1 The Indestructible Marriage Part I: Rust Proofing Your Marriage August 6-­‐7, 2011 Revelation 2:1-­‐5 -­‐ To the angel of the church of Ephesus write, These things says He who holds the seven stars in His right hand, who walks in the midst of the seven golden lampstands: "I know your works, your labor, your patience, and that you cannot bear those who are evil. And you have tested those who say they are apostles and are not, and have found them liars; and you have persevered and have patience, and have labored for My name's sake and have not become weary. Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place-­‐-­‐unless you repent.” Jesus warns “GOOD CHURCH” about the dangers of leaving their first love. Why? Isn’t that normal? – Christians/Couples in marriage? “Honeymoon is over” Answer: Yes, it’s normal, but very dangerous and it precedes serious problems in every case. The Law of Physics Three Types of Energy: 1. Dynamic 2. Static 3. Entropic EXAMPLE -­‐ A flower is: 1. Growing 2. Grown 3. Dying Anything not growing is dying. First love is Dynamic Love = Growing Love. Anything else is dying! The Truth about Marriage Trouble Long before serious problems set in, the relationship has left its dynamic state. Like a car that begins to rust – the shine leave and the problems set in – ultimately it becomes: 1. Unattractive (lost its shine) 2. Weak 3. Inoperable 2 GOOD NEWS!!! There is a chemical that: 1. Removes Emotional Rust 2. Restores Like New – even better! 3. Wards Off Damage – Protects against rust and corrosion! And YOU POSSESS IT! The chemical? Romance -­‐ one of the most important but least understood areas of marriage. It is an ingredient in every successful courtship. Instinctive vs. Educated -­‐ two types of romantic love – latter much better! Instinct fades once we secure the relationship. Without education and understanding the nature of romantic love and its importance, we lose it and don’t know how to get it back and the relationship suffers. Because of that, many people think romance is dependant on luck or who you marry and their personality! Many People Think: 1. It’s for women and strange men. Romance area of bookstore. The Truth: It’s a deep need and desire for everyone. 2. It’s a feeling you can’t control (mood). The Truth: It’s an atmosphere you create and have total control over. 3. It’s a seasonal extra not a daily feature. The Truth: It is an essential daily element in a successful marriage. I.Truths About the Importance of Romance 1. Emotional cornerstone of passion and intimacy. Two greatest prizes in marriage. 2. Promotes and protects relationship skills. 3. Closes the door on outside temptation -­‐ Talk! 3 Second most common letter we get on our TV show! 60% men and 40% women -­‐ no excuse – unmet needs are most common reason. (1Corinthians 7) This message will help you understand how you can renew romance and keep it alive and growing. II. The Three Chemical Elements of Romance -­‐ how to create and release the power of romantic love in your marriage. 1. Meeting an Unspoken Need or Desire. Self initiated, not coached. A. How We Fall In Love: i.
Highly focused. ii.
Pro-­‐actively do things to please each other. (Anticipate; study) THAT’S ROMANCE!!! B. What Romance Says: i.
You are on my heart. I think about you when I don’t have to. ii.
I’m paying attention to what you need and want – because I want to please you and serve you. VS. – You’re not on my heart and I don’t care about pleasing you. CORE ISSUE: DESIRE • Deep human need for everyone! • Romance is the language of desire! C. Nature of Love -­‐ Why We Fall in Love: i.
½ -­‐-­‐ How I feel about you. ii.
½ -­‐-­‐ How you make me feel about me. D. Why We Love Jesus: i.
CROSS = ULTIMATE DESIRE. Love Him for Him and how He makes me feel about me. ii.
FAILURE = REJECTION a. Greatest fear. b. Greatest wound. We’ve all made mistakes here – caused hurt, anger and withdrawal. 4 Understand how important this is and commit to meeting unspoken needs and desires and see what happens – chemistry experiment! 2. Speaking Love in Your Spouse’s Language. Men and Women have a very different interpretation of what romance means to them. A. All Major Needs Are Different: i.
Men a. Honor b. Sex c. Kindred Fellowship d. Domestic Support ii.
Women a. Security b. Communication c. Affection d. Leadership B. What Romance Looks Like: i.
For Her a. All day b. Slow talking c. Affection ii.
For Him a. Naked b. Sex c. Honor d. Fun iii.
Romance is a language demonstration – not a lesson. a. Common scenario of wife teaching husband: She says: “Here’s how we speak woman – talking but no touching until later.” He says: “NO HABLA WOMAN!” = Frustration! 5 b. Great marriages are emotionally bi-­‐lingual -­‐ learning to think in their language! c. Se Habla Female/Male = Romance d. Result: needs are met and we feel special and optimistic. Romance is a harmony of two people playing each other’s songs, not a harmony of one dominating instrument. Question: Are you romantic in your spouse’s language? NO? Their needs aren’t being met and they are frustrated. 3. Communicating Unique Value to Your Spouse. Romance is for one person – the most valuable one. It is the demonstration of unique value. A. Two Things Required for Success: i.
Consistency – Not to repair constantly or as a guilt offering. ii.
Communicated in many ways (not just verbally): a. Communication verbally – praise and thanks. Psalm 100. b. Comparative – what I’m willing to give up (work, friends, etc.). c. Contributed – what I give to the relationship – includes valuable gifts (jewelry)! d. Creative – mental and emotional energy to create something unique for you. Charles’ poems. REVIEW:  Romance is ESSENTIAL.  Romance is for EVERYONE.  Romance is an ENVIRONMENT WE COMPLETELY CONTROL BY OUR WILL -­‐-­‐ NOT OUR EMOTIONS:  ROMANCE IS: • Meeting unspoken needs and desires. • Speaking love in our spouse’s language. • Communicating unique value to your spouse. 6 Romance will rust-­‐proof your marriage and reverse the effects of the past – quickly! III.
KEYS TO RENEWING YOUR ROMANCE. 1. Forgive your spouse. Renew your heart to try again and clear the past away. 2. Focus on yourself and take responsibility for your own issues. Repent and change yourself and believe God for the results. 3. Ask the Holy Spirit to fill you daily. Ephesians 5 – love, joy, peace...