With you till the end
Mr. Lee (“Lee”) was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer when he was 62. Lee
was born to a big family with as many as 12 siblings. He had little education and
worked as an apprentice at a very young age. He met a girl who was an office cleaner,
in one occasion and became attracted to her. They married later and had two children,
a son and a daughter. Thereafter they lived happily. As a responsible husband and
loving father, Lee gave all his income to his wife.
Life took an unexpected turn. In 2012, Lee had a severe abdominal pain and
difficulties urinating on a plane to Hong Kong with his wife. After returning home,
he consulted a doctor who confirmed that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It
was a complete shock to Lee and his family. Struggling to understand the whole
situation, it took him quite a while to stay positive and accept any treatment available
for him. After going through 15 cycles of therapy sessions, Lee signed up for Dover
Park Hospice’s Home Care program. In order to take care of him full-time, Mrs. Lee
left her job while his children helped to pay for his medical bills.
We first visited Lee in July 2016. Every time we visited Lee, he was seen lying on a
couch, watching television and quietly listening to our conversation as his wife
chatted with us in the living room. After a couple of visits, we realized that Lee
preferred staying at home to going out despite the fact that his condition had been
under control. For his well-being, we encouraged Lee to participate in some outdoor
activities provided by Dover Park Hospice. At the same time, we contacted HCA to
make relevant arrangements for him.
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At last, the couple agreed to join us and other three patients for a day trip to Gardens
by the Bay, accompanying by some volunteers. On the day of visit, we brought along
a wheelchair so that we could take turn to push him around the garden with an
umbrella over his head as well. Besides getting Lee out for some sun, the trip allowed
his wife who had been physically and emotionally drained by now, to take a short
break. Although Lee lightened up a bit after the tour as we saw smiles on his face, he
could not help feeling helpless. “I wished I could treasure what I have when I still
can,” said Lee before leaving the garden.
Since Lee’s illness, that was a very meaningful and memorable trip for the couple. To
us, it was a successful activity as it brought us closer Lee and his wife with a trusting
relationship.
After that trip, Lee would go for a walk with his wife as long as his body allows him
to. Sometimes, they would take a bus to Chinatown, other days to Toa Payoh, either
to visit some places or meet up old friends. Although Lee was more frail now than
before, we observed that he had learnt to confront his pains with a more positive
attitude. Lee started spending more quality time with his wife, cherishing every
moment they had together. Imperfectly however, he had not expressed his love and
gratitude to his wife. Like many couples in the Chinese culture, the couple was not
used to expressing their love, not to mention they will say anything like I love you or
good bye to each other even at this time.
After being close to the couple, we understand that the couple had been through a lot
of tough times together. Lee and his wife, though loving one another, had never
spoken their feelings directly, heart to heart. So, we encourage them to express their
feelings and thoughts to one another, in the hope to help them reminisce their happy
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moments together. Nonetheless, his wife told us: “Lee had worked very hard all his
life to provide for the family. Now he is sick, I must take good care of him.” After
many encounters with Lee and his wife, we realized how much the latter loved and
cared for him. Seeing this, we finally understand that some words are said without
talking.
In October, Lee’s condition slowly deteriorated. Realizing this, Lee became restless
and got agitated easily. Incidentally, at this time, his daughter’s wedding was
scheduled to take place at the end of the year. Like many fathers, Lee wanted to make
sure he had the opportunity to walk his daughter down the aisle as well as to give
them his blessings before passing away. While everyone was busy preparing for the
wedding, Lee’s condition became worse and his days were numbered. But, all Lee
wanted was to be by his daughter’s side on her wedding day.
On that day, Lee attended his daughter’s wedding in his wheelchair, with a
tremendous smile and a glint in his eyes. Holding back his tears, he proudly held his
daughter’s hands down the aisle. It was certainly an emotional ceremony that
everyone there will remember for life.
Days later, Lee collapsed and died just when his daughter rushed to the hospital,
calling out to him. The last days of Lee was short but a happy and peaceful one with
his supporting wife always by his side. In addition, he got to fulfill his responsibilities
to her daughter. The only regret Lee had was not being able to take care his wife
anymore. This made Lee extremely uncomfortable. There is no perfection in life. At
least, he was a responsible man and great father, loving them until his last breath.
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After becoming a volunteer of Nectar Care Service (“NCS”), we have accompanied
many patients, witnessing their pain, struggles and eventually departures, one after
another. Undoubtedly these experiences have allowed us to understand— like our
shadow, impermanence follows us always. Death comes to everyone, sparing no one
including us, volunteers of such comfort-giving provider like NCS. But, certainly we
could aspire to die with a smile at least when the day would arrive.
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