Grieving Styles What is Grief? Grief is psychic energy that results from the tension created by: a.) Wanting to maintain assumptions about the world before the loss, b.) Adjusting to the new reality and c.) Incorporating this new reality into a new assumptive world. This grief energy is converted into different domains of experience such as physical, cognitive, spiritual or affective domains. The griever is now faced with the task of mourning and doing “grief work” to successfully process the grief experience. Is there a proper way to grieve? There is no one right way to grieve and people grieve differently. However, people to tend to grieve according to two different patterns which have been called instrumental and intuitive grieving styles. Grieving Styles: Whether one is more attuned to his/her thoughts or feelings determines if one is an instrumental or intuitive griever.  Intuitive Grieving: Intuitive grieving involves experiencing grief through strong emotions and expressing those emotions and seeking support from others.  Instrumental Grieving: Instrumental grieving is defined as grief that is experienced physically but that is expressed through activity or thoughts. They channel grief energy into activity‐memorialize the person in some way, solve problems related to the loss, exercise etc… They experience grief as augmented energy like restlessness or nervousness.  Blended Grieving: Most people are a third style called “Blended” grievers who utilize both strategies to one extent or another. People use different strategies to control this grief energy: Adaptive strategies are a person’s attempt to regulate the emotional energy generated by grief. Intuitive grievers channel this energy through emotional expression and support seeking behaviors. Instrumental grievers channel this energy through thinking about the loss or doing something about the loss.  Cognitive‐Reframe the problem, find meaning, analyze the problem, problem solving  Affective ‐Regulating emotions, venting, accepting the loss  Spiritual‐Prayer, surrendering to a higher power, scripture study, finding meaning, meditation  Behavioral‐information seeking and support, exercise, action, memorializing, pursuing alternative rewards Dissonant Responses A dissonant response occurs when an individual’s outward expression of grief does not match his/her inner experience of that grief. For example, if you feel the grief emotionally but don’t express it emotionally that is a dissonant response.  People may be motivated to adopt a dissonant response in order to maintain their image or show penitence for not feeling what others are telling them they should feel.  Dissonant responses can lead to complicated mourning which involves a denial of the loss or its implications and trying to hold on to and avoid relinquishing the person lost.  If a behavior interferes with functioning and health it’s probably dissonant. Since it requires energy to restrain energy, dissonant responses inhibit the griever from resolving the problem. Key Point: Match your grieving behaviors to your internal experience of that grief. Remember grief is physical energy that must find expression in some way or it will take a lot of energy to suppress the grief you are suppressing.