Some people think that aperson should change a career at least once ,
while others think that it is better to stay in one job for life time.Do you
agree or disagree?
If you skim classified adverts of newspapers and magazines, you will
penetrate that there are diversity of occupations. Also , most of the
firms struggle to select qualified employees by using several methods.
That educational qualifications and experience are essential for
professions is a fact. So Therefore,it is really noticeable , you can gain a
suitable job according based on to your abilities and skills. Some
individuals who subscribe to the view that it is effective for clerks to
remould job at least one timeonce during lifetime because of increasing
your experience and finding niche. Provided that other group state to
persist in doing a job ; an account of , job rivalry and unemployment in
society.
A group of people are unanimous on in this belief that changing job can
help employers to gain and use more experiments. For instance ,
esteemed companies employ sophisticated staffs staff with significant
efficiency. Now , if persons people who have sufficient knowledge apply
for work , they will find career with perks and remarkable salaries that
can improve their life standards. Moreover, in each new situations ,
clerks come up against challenging and issues which help to increase
their personal skills.
On the other hand , some people have taken issue with the above idea.
They believe that when a person who works in a position for years has
obtained valuable information in a special field. So Hence , it is a
positive point which endorse clerks who can achieve higher degrees.
Furthermore , some statistics figure outshow that the unemployment
percentage ascends in recent years in view of new technology.
Consequently , alteration of job is risky because there is a high
competition between unemployed personspeople. For this reason , if you
think that your job is monotonous , you will expect a sever contest.
In conclusion , a job during life is steady for some people ; in case ,
security of job is more important for another group. In my opinion , to
alter a work is not rational because of the above reasons and I believe
that if employers focus on their responsibilities , they will be promoted.
Comment [Afarinesh1]: The facts in
the introduction is TANGENTIAL! they are
not relevant to the topic directly and you
will lose mark on Task Achievement.
Comment [Afarinesh2]: SO is
informal
Comment [Afarinesh3]: REMOULD
is changing the way you think!
Comment [Afarinesh4]: The THESIS
STATEMENT is off topic.
Comment [Afarinesh5]: STAFF is
plural.
Comment [Afarinesh6]: The topic
sentences might as well not refer to the
previous paragraphs.
Comment [Afarinesh7]: Meaningless
conclusion. It is not relevant.
Estimated Band Score:
TA
CC
4
5
LR
5
GRA
5
Overall
5
You have problem organizing the paragraphs. Also, there are some instances of
problems with the paragraph integrity. The other thing you have to consider when
writing essays is the range of vocabularies and grammatical structures.
Good Luck,
Corrected and Commented by: Hamed Mohammad Hosseini