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Somewhere Fun
Jenny Schwartz
WORKING DRAFT / NOT A FINAL VERSION
SAMUELFRENCH.COM
SAMUELFRENCH-LONDON.CO.UK
Somewhere Fun
y
l
n
O
y
!
p
e
o
t
Jenny C
Schwartz
a
c
i
l
l
a
p
s
u
u
r
D
e
P Not
o
D
WORKING DRAFT / NOT A FINAL VERSION
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[email protected]
020-7255-4302
Copyright © 2014 by Jenny Schwartz
All Rights Reserved
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CHARACTERS
Rosemary Rappaport - under 60
Evelyn Armstrong - older than T, over 60
AF
T
Lolita - Evelyn's housekeeper, over 40
N
Cecelia - same age as Rosemary, shy
hy of 60
R
SI
O
Waiter / Benjamin - exactly
y 35
VE
G
Officer / Lady / Nurse / Beatrice
- exactly 35
Be
B
R
D
T Armstrong - Evelyn's husband,
husban younger than Evelyn,
yn,
n, around 660
T
O
SI
R
VE
FI
N
A
T
O
N
1
N
AF
R
D
R
O
W
N
O
KI
T
N
A
G
FI
W
N
O
R
AL
Young
ung Benjami
Benjamin / Boy - Rosemary's
yy's son,
son around
aroun 8
AL
KI
N
Young Beatrice
eatrice - Ev
Eve
Evelyn's daughter, around
undd 8
ACT ONE
PROLOGUE
Madison Avenue.
Avv
Present day. Autumn.
N
AF
T
Rosemary
emary Rap
Rapp
Rappaport has been racing up Madison
Avenue.
venue.
nue. She is late for a lunch date
te w
with her friend
Cecelia.
D
R
SI
O
Evely Armstrong is in a wheel chai
Evelyn
Evel
chair. Her housekeeper
Lolita, visibly pregnant,
Lo
ant, has been pushing Evelyn down
Madison Avenue, in the direct
direction
directi of Rosemary.
T
FI
N
A
T
O
N
O
SI
R
G
N
KI
R
O
W
3
N
AF
R
D
N
FI
A
T
O
N
AL
R
AL
Evelyn?
elyn?
lyn?
Iss that you?
Evelyn Ar
Armstrong?
It'ss me
me!
Rosemary!
Ros
Rose
Rosemary Rappaport!
R
t!
From a hundred thousand
usand years
yea ago!
When the world
d was
w in black
bl
bla
and white!
When the world
rld
d was in black and white, and
nd
d I still had a waistline!
Remember?
er?
Evelyn?
n?
Remember
member my waistline?
practically
Scarlet O'Haraa in those da
days.
I was practi
practic
Scarlet O
O'Hara?
From Gone
Fro
G
with the Wind?
d?
No??
Anyway, best to T!
Best to T and Beatrice!!
And call me!
We should really catch
ch up!
Bye now!
Wait!
I have a card!
Blow away the cobwebs!
Rosemary Rappaport!
Senior VP!
With over 25 years of real estate expertise-!
(The card blows away.)
O
W
ROSEMARY
EMARY
VE
KI
N
VE
G
R
The two parties
ties have nea
nearly collided. Howling wind.
Just aboutt to storm.
N
O
T
N
T
4
N
O
SI
R
A
W
R
VE
FI
N
AL
N
O
R
KI
T
N
O
D
G
FI
N
(Rosemary
Rosemary
osemary is gone. )
Nothing is permanent
N
nt but chang
change
change.
Who said that?
Some Greek.
Some god damn
mn
n Greek.
Greek
Lolita, look
ok it up.
up..
Wouldd you mind?
mind
mi
Where's
here's
ere's your thingie?
th
And don't tell
tel
t me 'when we get there'.
here'.
I could be dead before we get
ett there.
And then
th what?
You'd be riddled with gu
guilt.
ilt.
Positively riddled.
And guilt, Lolita, is a prison.
rison
A poison.
Guilt will eat you alive.
ve.
You and your unborn
orn baby.
Spit out your bones.
On the sidewalk.
(speaks too Lolita's baby)
b
Yoo hoo, unborn baby.
It is I.
Mrs. Armstrong.
I hope I didn't frighten you.
A
W
O
Rosemary
Rosema
osem
whom?
AL
R
EVELYN
VELYN
(to Lolita,
lita, booming
boomin over the wind)
AF
KI
N
VE
G
R
D
R
SI
O
AF
T
I'm listed!
In the book!
Under R!
Of course!
Rosemary Rappaport?
From a hundred thousand years ago?
I'm late to meet a friend so(Evelyn and Lolita
olita have passed by.)
Come back!
Evelyn!
I couldn't help but notice you're
ou're
u're in a wheelchair!
wh
w
And I can't help but wonder,
nder, what happened?
h
Are you sick?
Did you fall down??
Are you recovering
ring from ssurgery?
I hope it's a sprained ank
ankle.
I hope it's only a sprained
sprai
spra
ankle.
And nothing
othing
hing too, shall
sh we say, permanent.
nt
nt.
N
AF
T
I was speaking hyperbolically.
As opposed to diabolically.
I'm off to get my nails done.
To the chagrin of your mama.
Nothing is permanent.
Who said that?
Some Greek.
Was it Plato?
Or Aristotle or-
R
T
(reading)
N
O
T
A-ha!
Heraclitis!
"Life is flux."
"Existence is change."
"You cannot step twice into the same
sam stream."
Speak for yourself, Heraclitis.
Not to worry, unborn baby.
5
O
SI
R
VE
AL
FI
N
A
O
EVELYN
N
AF
R
G
N
R
LOLITA
(reading)
ng)
W
Hera-whom?
Gimme that!
Glasses!
KI
T
O
N
Hera-something.
Her -s
Hera
D
N
FI
A
W
O
R
AL
KI
N
VE
G
EVELYN
The Buddha wasn't
asn't Gree
Greek.
Lived in India.
ndia.
The Buddha.
uddha.
dha.
Present
sent day Nep
Nepal.
Foothills
oothills of tthe Himalayas.
T likes Ne
Nepal.
He's
e's been
be there several times.
es.
Once, he took Beatrice.
Onc
Twice, he went alone.
T
e.
T likes to trek.
Not I.
Not anymore.
These days,
ys, I prefer
prefer
fe tto be pampered.
T for trek.
rek.
ek
R
D
Says here the Buddha.
SI
O
LOLITA
LOL
(reading of
off her phone, shouting
g over wind)
You'll understand when you're older.
Coochie coo, for now.
Lolita, is it time for my pills?
LOLITA
T
Not just yet.
How 'bout now.
N
AF
EVELYN
VELYN
ELYN
R
D
R
EVELYN
VE
G
T
G
W
FI
N
O
N
R
O
KI
N
A
T
(to Lolita)
Marvelous
rvelous
velous sense
sens of humor for a fetus.
tus.
You should be proud.
(to the baby)
Beatrice is my baby.
Bea
Beatric
She's a girl.
Like you.
Are you a girl?
O
T
A
LOLITA
We don't know.
We want to be surprised.
N
EVELYN
Back in my day, you had to bee surpris
surprised.
surprised
LOLITA
As long as it's healthy.
6
N
O
SI
R
FI
D
N
R
AL
R
O
W
Lolita the Hun.
As opposed to Attila.
Attil
Get it?
A play onn words.
word
w s.
VE
KI
EVELYN
VELYN
(to the baby)
Yoo
oo hoo,
ho unborn baby!
Your mother likes to torture
You
rture
ture me.
AF
N
LOLITA
A
Half an
n hour.
AL
When?
SI
O
LOLITA
LOL
Not just yet.
EVELYN
Is that a dig?
LOLITA
T
Ten fingers.
Ten toes.
SI
O
R
O
SI
R
VE
FI
N
O
A waiter is showing
ow g Rosemary
R
Rosem
to the table where Cecelia
has been sitting
tting
ing and
an wa
waiting.
A
W
A restaurant.
N
AF
R
D
G
R
O
KI
T
N
Thunder.
er.
SCENE 1
N
T
R
N
FI
A
W
O
R
AL
KI
N
Here.
Take your
ur thingie
thingie.
I refuse
fuse to get m
my own.
I'm
'm
m what they
th call 'old school'.
Last of a ddying breed.
That
hat is I.
Evelyn Armstrong.
Eve
Evel
A dinosaur.
(with flourish)
flo
Beauty calls!
VE
G
D
Carry on, Lolita.
Carry onwards and
upwards.
d upw
upwa
ds.
My cuticles are shrieking for
f some TLC.
AL
Ten fingers.
Ten toes.
No splotches.
N
AF
EVELYN
VELYN
ELYN
O
T
ROSEMARY
EMA
EMAR
Severe, this weather, isn't it, Waiter?
Heaven help my hair.
N
WAITER
WAI
WAIT
(do not add w
words)
I read online, it's going to-
7
ROSEMARY
On line for what?
WAITER
(do not add words)
T
Weather dot com says-
R
WAITER
WA
WAI
D
ROSEMARY
VE
G
R
Don't get up.
KI
T
O
R
CECELI
CECELIA
FI
N
O
We'll get
ge you a drink.
A
W
ROSEMARY
R
I don't drink.
Not before half past five.
ve.
e
((to the waiter)
Water.
O
T
WAITER
AITER
N
ROSEMARY
ROS
ROSE
Please.
Thank you.
8
N
O
SI
R
G
N
A
ROSEMARY
MARY
I am rattled.
attled.
tled
Certainly.
T
R
CECELIA
You look rattled.
d.
N
D
FI
N
O
(sitting)
ng)
g
Oh m
my aching back...
W
AL
Call me Medusa.
M
VE
KI
R
ROSEMARY
ROSEMA
OSEMA
AF
N
WAITER
ER
I'll takee your coat.
coat
AL
Right this way.
SI
O
Weather dot whom?
N
AF
ROSEMARY
OSEMARY
SEMA
WAITER
Sparkling, still, orROSEMARY
I'll have what she's having.
AF
N
T
CECELIA
ELI
ELIA
Tap.
ROSEMARY
ROSEM
N
SI
R
D
N
FI
O
AL
R
ROSEMARY
R
ROS
(Cecelia
Cecelia
ecelia really
reall does look different;
nt; Rosemary
Rosema
tries
tr
ies to figure
fi
fig
out what has changed.)
ha ged.)
O
VE
G
R
N
O
T
A
W
FI
N
O
AL
N
KI
T
O
N
R
Exactly.
Cecelia.
It's wonderfull too see yo
you.
You look the same.
s me.
me
Only different.
different
And
d by differen
different, I mean better.
And by bet
better,
bette I mean, not older,
r,, but wiser
wiser.
You look wiser.
Especially around the eyes.
Especi
s.
Have you been squinting?
ng?
My advice is wear a hat.
Have you been, God forbid,
orbid,
rbid, llaughing?
My sense of humor is shot.
t
Happened long ago wh
when my husband up and
d left
eft me for the twit.
Which is a polite way
wa of saying a much younger
you er woman.
young
w
wo
He loved me, he said, but unfortunately,
didn't like me.
ely, he di
didn
No, he liked me, he said, but unfortunately,
rtunately,
unately, he didn't love me.
And something about an albatross
oss
ss around hhis neck and that was me, which may or may
not have been true, but was distinctly
istinctly aab
aboriginal.
I mean, unoriginal.
I mean, both.
The man's a cretin.
A
W
T
CECELIA
E
ECEL
A
Eternity.
AF
KI
N
VE
G
R
D
R
SI
O
On second thought, still.
No ice.
Remember the days when
en water
wate was
w water was water?
er??
Deep breath.
I just had one off those unfo
un
unfortunate run-ins where
ere you're ra
rac
racing up Madison and the
person is racing
cing
ing toward yyou and you find yourself
ourself trapped
trapp in this awkward sort
trap
so of dance
for what seems
eems likelike-
9
R
SI
O
N
AF
T
Course he went on to leave the twit for the twig and the twig for the twerp and the twerp
for the twat and so on.
He's fond of the letter twuh.
But he's the father of my son and that's that.
Benjamin Junior...
And you?
How are you?
Where on earth have you been hiding?
ng??
Still a widow?
Still a widow, I presume?
Your late husband, he's still,
l, what's the word?
R
D
CECELIA
G
R
D
N
FI
N
O
ROSEMARY
ROSEMAR
CECELIA
C
CE
You're too kind.
10
N
R
FI
N
A
T
RosemaryI mean it.
AL
KI
R
O
CECELIA
VE
G
N
A
T
O
W
ROSEMARY
O
AL
R
O
W
N
CECELIA
CEC
CECEL
You sweet to say.
You're
You do.
ROSEMARY
Y
(Cecelia really does
oes look different)
diff
You look
ook
ok wel
well.
Really.
ally.
lly.
SI
N
KI
CECELIA
ECELIA
Thirty years...
yea
Still
ill think
thi
th
of him every day.
y
y.
Every other.
Eve
Ever
Every hour.
E
Cheers.
T
VE
ROSEMARY
ARY
RY
A better place.
I'll drink
nk to that.
AF
In a better place?
ROSEMARY
It's the truth.
Waiter, my friend hereCECELIA
T
I look ragged.
R
CECELIA
CEC
D
ROSEMARY
T
N
R
AL
KI
N
VE
G
R
Haggard ragged,
d, haggard rragged.
Try that one ten times fast.
fa
(referring to the water)
er)
Waiter,
r, I believe I said still.
Did
d I or did I no
not say still?
AF
Ragged, I said, not-
SI
O
Does she look haggard?
N
AF
ROSEMARY
OSEMARY
SEMA
VE
G
R
ROSEMARY
Y
(uncanny)
O
SI
R
D
N
CECELIA
C
FI
Eternity.
E
A
CECELIA
CEC
W
In the
h wheel chair?
A
ROSEMARY
In the wheel chair, is my
y old friend Evelyn Armstrong.
rmstron
mstro
N
O
T
CECELIA
ELIA
(trying to remember)
ember)
Evelyn Armstrong...
Evelyn Armstrong...
ROSEMARY
R
RO
Do you know Evelyn?
AL
O
R
N
O
KI
T
N
Exactly.
But this
his
is time, there
the are two of them, and one is in a wheel chair, and the
the other is doing
the pushing.
pushing
pusheeAnd the pusher
pu
push and I, we've locked
cked
ked eyes, so
s I don't even noticee that the pu
FI
N
W
O
So, there I am, back and forth,
h, back and forth
f
for what seemss likelike
11
CECELIA
Doesn't ring a bell.
Was she in some kind of an accident?
ROSEMARY
R
R
CECELIA
CEC
D
ROSEMARY
G
N
A
A
FI
N
R
O
W
CECELIA
Hardly.
I could never be an artist-
O
T
ROSEMARY
EMA
EMAR
An artist should be anti-social.
N
CECELIA
CECELI
I could never be an artist in the
he real sense.
sens
se
ROSEMARY
An artist should be anti-social and tetchy.
12
AL
KI
T
ROSEMARY
SEMARY
O
N
N
R
CECELIA
You get to know
now
w me.
You
u read my m
mind.
Buck
uck up.
You're an artist.
An arti
artiste!
SI
R
D
N
FI
W
O
Keep
eep to yourself?
I don't
don
do see why.
You're excellent company,
Y
mpany, onceonce
O
ROSEMARY
ROSEM
VE
R
AL
KI
N
CECELIA
LIA
A
Never mind.
ind.
It's just in certai
certain situations, I tend to
to-
T
VE
G
R
How do you mean?
ean?
AF
Good for you.
SI
O
N
AF
T
Well!
Evelyn and I, we go way back, thirty-five
five years on the nose, almost.
When my Benjamin was just a baby
y and her
he Be
Beatrice was just a baby,
by,
y, and
a one day we
approached each other in the park.
k.
CECELIA
Touchy?
ROSEMARY
Tetchy.
AF
ROSEMARY
ROSEM
T
R
VE
G
N
KI
R
FI
N
O
N
O
T
A
W
13
O
SI
R
D
N
FI
A
T
N
O
AL
R
AL
ROSEMARY
ROSEMA
OSEMA
Understood.
Understoo
Waiter,
aiter my friend here, she's
e's excell
excellent company, althoughh initially she
sh comes across as
tetchy touchy, tetchy touchy,
tetch
uchy, tetchy touchy, tetchy touchychychy
Cecelia, are you blushing?
C
shing?
Look at you!
You're blushing!
g!
I hate to be the
he bearer of
o bad news, my friend,
nd, but this nice,
n
young man, hee can't be half
ha
your age.
With that
hat physique.
physiq
phys
Complexion.
mplexion.
Immaculate.
mmaculate
mmaculate.
Unscathed.
Unscathe
Ha!
Immaculate complexion.
on.
n.
How do you like that?
t?
I always could spin a phrase,
hrase couldn't I, Cecelia, back
b ck in grade
gra school?
I was ever so clever and a beauty to boot.
Cecelia can attest.
Attest, Cecelia, attest!
tes
Alas, my beauty would have the shortest
shelf
rtest of shel
sh lives.
Whereas Cecelia here is still the picture
cture of youth.
you
She looks ten.
Twelve.
Positively prepubescent.
The spitting image of her school-girl self.
Save for a little droopage.
O
W
AF
KI
N
CECELIA
LIA
A
I'd rather
her not discu
discuss my phantom wisdom
om tooth.
tooth
N
VE
G
R
D
R
SI
O
T.E.T.C.H.Y.
A fifty cent word.
Pay up.
Joking aside.
Tell me, Cecelia,
a, how's yyo
your phantom wisdom
m tooth?
N
T
CECELIA
ELI
ELIA
Tetchy?
Stupid gravity.
Can't be helped.
What's your secret?
CECELIA
T
Good genes?
R
D
ROSEMARY
VE
G
R
Wring your neck.
ck.
G
ROSEMARY
ARY
N
A
N
O
SI
Rosemary, if you must
ust know-
R
D
CECELIA
FI
T
R
AL
N
O
Slit your throat.
t
Enough
nough is enough.
VE
KI
R
ROSEMARY
ROSEMA
OSEMA
AF
N
CECELIA
LIA
A
Happiness
ness
ss helps.
W
N
CECELIA
CEC
Apple a day.
SI
O
AF
ROSEMARY
OSEMARY
SEMA
Tell me good genes, and I'll split your lip.
FI
N
O
Sorry?
AL
KI
WAITER
R
N
O
T
Spare mee the ggory
ory
y details!
de
Tell me somethin
somet
something, Waiter, are you aware
ware of you
your own mortality or no not yet?
N
O
T
A
W
ROSEMARY
R
Don't be.
Your youth is no fault of yo
you
your own.
No more than dry skin andd droopage are the fault
Cecelia.
ault of C
ece
Or brittle bones and a bed
mother.
b pan are the faultt ooff my mot
Rotting away in God forsaken Florida.
She misses seasons.
Now, a bit about me.
I can't stand ice.
WAITER
W
WA
Oops, my bad.
14
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