3 Secrets to a
Successful Marriage
FAMS 1150
Dr. Nate Cottle
Views of Marriage Competence
1. Something you either have or don’t
▫ Marital IQ
2. Skills based, any one can do it if they learn
certain skills
▫ Communication Skills
3. The Truth: It is more about internal
decisiveness (marital permanence) and added
skills
Stability of the relationship
Satisfaction of the relationship
To be stable
• Gottman’s research
▫ Love lab
• Manage negativity
▫ especially for men
• 5 to 1 Ratio
• 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse or Danger Signs
To be stable
• Danger Signs
To be stable
• Danger Signs
To be stable
• Danger Signs
To be stable
• Danger Signs
Calling Time Out
What do you do after?
• Transformations:
• Fincham, F. D., Stanley, S. M., & Beach, S. H. (2007). Transformative Processes in
Marriage: An Analysis of Emerging Trends. Journal Of Marriage & Family, 69(2), 275292. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00362.x
What do you do after?
• Transformations:
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Forgiveness
Commitment
Trust
Satisfaction with Sacrifice
Accommodation
Sanctification
“Is there an inherent capacity in many
relationships for marital self-repair and
relationship-generated change, even in the
absence of outside intervention?”
What is left? To be happy
• All the other good stuff
All the other good stuff . . .
• Love
▫ Romance
▫ Date night
• Intimacy
• Communication
▫ Openness
▫ Understanding
• Commitment
• Teamwork
• Friendship
• Trust
▫ Respect
▫ Fidelity
• Time
▫ Together and
apart
• Selflessness
• Humor
• Compassion
• Forgiveness
The Recipe for a Healthy Relationship
• Manage your negativity
• Do something to repair your relationship when
you have harmed it
• Engage in All the Other Good Stuff