Burma passage
writing tips
• Always give identifying info in the first paragraph. If no
author’s name or title is given, use what you have. In this
passage, written from the point of view of a police officer
in Burma called to deal with an elephant in town…
• Be sure to include some type of thesis statement at the
beginning. It should be clear what elements of style and
language you will focus on and to what end (to show tone,
or mood or theme?)
• Remember, your job is to show how something BIG (like
tone or purpose) is achieved through the use of
something(s) SMALL (like diction or syntax or figurative
language or ethos, etc).
• Look again at your Rubric for Commentary. Reread
Band 1. Perceptive. Fluid. Keen Awareness.
Intentions of Passage.
• If you are simply recognizing the short sentences
and similes, but not doing the above things, you will
consistently score at Band 3 or 4.
• Be sure to read the directions for Part B carefully.
Be sure you know from whose point of view you
should write. Also, include details from the story to
strengthen your writing. Perhaps the kind of gun, or
borrow the word “trumpeted.” Should the officer
have come off as vicious in your diary entry? No
way. Keep consistent with the original piece.
What’s wrong with these sentences?
(my apologies to the authors – but thank you for
providing a teachable moment!)
• “The emotions the writer displays when he
thinks about shooting the elephant are fear,
disgust, and he feels squeamish.”
• “In the passage by the police officer in Burma,
he tells a very emotional story about him
murdering a poor, innocent elephant.”
• They sound awkward because they are not in
parallel form.
What’s parallel structure?
• Parallel structure in a sentence is achieved
when the writer balances similar grammatical
elements such as words, phrases, and clauses
to demonstrate they are of equal importance.
• Her children like to swim, hike and riding dirt
bikes.
• Is this sentence parallel? If not, what needs to
be changed?
• Her children like to swim, hike and ride dirt
bikes.
Three rules…
There are three rules to consider when checking for parallel structure in
your writing:
Parallel structure should be used when elements are joined by
coordinating conjunctions:
I am allergic to the dog’s hair and its smell.
Parallel structure should be used when writing elements in the form of a
list or a series:
The class valued respect, honesty and promptness in a teacher.
Parallel structure should be used when comparing or contrasting
elements (A is better than ; X is less than Y)
James enjoys reading more than writing.
A few revisions…Do this now.
• Find three verbs you could change to make them
stronger. Use the Marker Verbs sheet I gave you a
while back to help.
• Find one sentence that you could rewrite to
invert the order. (meaning, it should not be in
traditional subject-verb format). Rewrite it in the
margin.
• Find one sentence you could rewrite to begin
with an adverb (typically a word that ends in –ly).