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Class Dismissed
A Classroom Comedy
by Craig J. Nevius
they never thought it could happen in suberbia
A Samuel French Acting Edition
samuelfrench.com
Copyright © 1983, 1985 by Craig J. Nevius
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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ISBN 978-0-573-67037-4
Printed in U.S.A.
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3
The original production of "Class Dismissed", written
and directed by Craig J. Nevius, produced by Thomas
Smith and Pat Michel with set designed by Julia Jazwiec, opened February 9, 1984 in William Fremd High
School's Viking Theatre with the following cast:
(in order of appearance)
ScoTT BRENNAN ...................... Kevin Russell
RACHEL O'CoNNER .................. Vicky Pontikes
BoBBY NEIDERMAN ..................... Mike Clarke
RAINBOW ............................ Missy Siavelis
RicK ................................. Doug Peters
ERIC Ross ............................ Randy Hunt
LISA WARNER .................... Christy McGregor
GARY MoRTON ....................... Rob Kurland
STEVE CARLSON ...................... Neil McManus
ELAINE NovAK ..................... LouAnne Corey
DoNALD QuENTIN ...................... Bill Rankin
WARD RICHARDS ....................... Tim Kolzow
TRACY ............................... Diane Brady
STACY ............................... Donna Brady
JENNIFER NELSON ......................... Julie Roe
CouRTNEY ADARE ..................... Suzie McKee
DEAN ............................. Russell Wronski
JoNATHAN BANKS ........................ Pat Reilly
MORNING ANNOUNCEMENT ROLLINS .. Tom Cunningham
ELIZIBETH DAwsoN .................... Heather Reis
EMILY BANKS ....................... Shawn Gourdie
JEFF STEPHENS ....................... Bill Mackison
LT. GREGORY ......................... Lance Ferges
LESLIE VANCE ...................... Ingrid Jacobson
HANK ................................ Rob Haefke
4
CENTRAL HIGH ScHooL STUDENTS ......... Peggy Corr
Jessica Kirkwood, Sue Hacker, Margaret Redmond
Laura Stone, Danielle Conlin, Chris DeMonte
Beth Bogulski, Bruce Benz, Tom Fremgan
Lauren Howey, Amy Kryszak, Jan Neruda
Jennifer lppolita, Allen Blacker, Mike Lalka
Act I- Choices Act II- Class Dismissed
Setting: Central High School in suburbia
5
The revival of "Class Dismissed", written and directed
by Craig J. Nevius, produced by the Group Theatre
with set designed by Julia Jazwiec, opened August 8,
1985 in Cutting Hall with the following cast:
ScOTT BRENNAN ...................... Kevin Russell
RACHEL O'CoNNOR ................... Theresa Greco
BOBBY NEIDERMAN ..................... Mike Clarke
RAINBOW ............................ Missy Siavelis
JENNIFER NELSON ................... Paula Gonzalas
RICK .......................... Glen Maslankowski
LARRY Ross ....................... Buddy Schwenk
LISA WARNER ....................... Carrie Wooden
GARY MoRTON ......................... Scott Miller
STEVE CARLSON .................... Steve Calzaretta
WARD RICHARDS ................... Michael Nanfria
DoNALD QuENTIN .................... Eric Lumbard
ELAINE NOVAK ....................... Rebekah Beal
CouRTNEY ADARE .................... Yvette Rambo
DEAN ............................ Phil Falkenholm
TRACY .............................. Laura Hubka
STACY .............................. Molly Enyeart
JoNATHAN BANKS ........................ Pat Reilly
MoRNING ANNOUNCEMENT ROLLINS .. Tom Cunningham
ELIZIBETH DAwsoN .................... Linda Bryan
EMILY BANKS ...................... Ingrid Jacobson
GRACE BuRSTYN .................. Shannon O'Boyle
LT. JoHN GREGORY ............ Christopher Hoffman
LESLIE VANCE .................... Christy McGregor
HANK ................................. Mike Muto
OFFICER BLAKE ...................... Brad MeAvoy
CENTRAL HIGH ScHooL CHEERLEADERS ... Laura Michel
Susie Cormack, Cindy Combs, Laura Bauenfreund
Lisa Morgan, Amy Hillgendart
6
CENTRAL HIGH ScHOOL STUDENTS ...... Debbie Yackey
Kirk Sanders, Krista Sieber, Rich Miller, Joe Calzaretta
Steve Clarke, Michelle Lanin, Jeanne Allison,
Linda Alecksick, Chrisse Miksis, Jenny Lambert
Lynne Hudson, Wendy O'Boyle, Allison Brantley
Amy Powell, Christy Kessler
7
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(in order of appearance)
ScoTT BRENNAN, athlete
RACHEL O'CoNNER, a gossip
BOBBY NEIDERMAN, the class clown
RAINBOW, a valley girl
RicK, a burnout
LARRY Ross, a follower
LISA WARNER, a burnout
GARY MoRTON, a troublemaker
STEVE CARLSON, a troublemaker
DONALD QUENTIN, an introvert
ELAINE NovAK, an intellectual
WARD RICHARDS, the principal
TRAcY & STACY, freshmen sisters
CouRTNEY ADARE, a cheerleader
DEAN, a typical freshman
JENNIFER NELSON, an apathetic student
JoNATHAN BANKS, an English teacher
MORNING ANNOUNCEMENT ROLLINS, a voice
ELIZIBETH DAWSON, a transfer student
GRACE BuRSTYN, a burnt-out English teacher
EMILY BANKS, a counselor
LT. JoHN GREGORY, a cop
OFFICER BLAKE, another cop
LESLIE VANCE, a T.V. Reporter
HANK, a camera man
8
Class Dismissed
ACT ONE
SCENE 1
Monday
The curtain is open on classroom 208 of Central High
School, located in the heart of suburbia. It is a
typical English room, one everybody has seen at
least once during high school: there are sixteen desks
divided into jour rows of jour branching out from
the teacher's desk which is located up center stage.
The floor is bare while the walls are adorned with
posters of animals with philosophical sayings and
quotes printed beneath them. Of course there is an
American flag which hangs stage right next to a
rather large bulletin board. The clock on the center
wall, directly above the teacher's desk, reads 7:25.
The following action takes place in the aisles of the
theatre, or perhaps on the stage's apron, or any
playing area in front of the stage where lockers have
been erected to form hallways.
The five minute warning bell rings and the hallways are
suddenly flooded with students.
ScoTT. Hey, anybody seen Courtney?
RACHEL. She's not here yet. Why didn't you pick her
up this morning?
ScoTT. Because her bus beat me to it. Hey, Neiderman,
can you forge me a hall pass for first hour? I want to be
late.
9
10
CLASS DISMISSED
BoBBY. Can't. Somebody cleaned out my locker over
the weekend. All my passes are gone!
RAINBOW. (entering on roller skates) Hi, everyone!
GIRLS. Hi, Rainbow!
RAINBOW. Like-wow-did I have the most excellent
weekend! I was-like-hanging out in the pinball arcade and this guy named- (She bumps into SCOTT.)
Excuse me, Scott.
ScoTT. Yeah, yeah, sorry, Moonchild.
RAINBOW. No, no, it's Rainbow.
ScoTT. Right, (rolls her away) whatever. Bobby, are
you sure you can't get ahold of any hall passes?
BoBBY. Sorry, Scott, not until tomorrow.
RICK. (Entering with a ghetto blaster which is blaring
razor rock, probably Pink Floyd; he is immediately
recognized as a burnout.) Hey, anybody got a smoke I
can bum?
LARRY. (a cross between a burnout and an intellectual; a follower) Sorry, man, I'm out.
LISA. (a female burnout) I've got one, Rick.
RicK. (going to her) Great!
GARY. Hey, Steve! You want to have some fun?
There's Donald. (DONALD, looking a great deal/ike a
hunted animal who knows he's being hunted, walkshides- behind a large stack of books which he carries. )
Hi, Donald!
STEVE. Did you see your Lady Love over the weekend,
Donald?
GARY. You have her picture in your wallet, don't you?
(pulls DONALD's wallet out of his back pocket and the
two of them play a game of monkey-in-the-middle)
STEVE. Hey, cut the crap! Here comes Elaine! (They
return the wallet.)
GARY. Are you afraid of her or what?
CLASS DISMISSED
11
STEVE. No, ... but, I don't know, the way she looks
at me when we abuse Donald, ... she kind of reminds
me of my mother.
ELAINE. (entering) Good morning, Donald.
DoNALD. Hi, Elaine.
STEVE. Hi, Mom.
GARY. What's for dinner, Mom?
ELAINE. Cute.
RICK. (seeing WARD RICHARDS enter) Crap, principal.
LISA. (hiding her cigarettes) Good morning, Mr.
Richards.
RICHARDS. Lisa.
LARRY. Good morning, Mr. Richards.
RICHARDS. Larry. (STEVE and GARY salute as he
passes them.)
ScoTT. Hey, Ward! (claps him on the back; they chat
for a few seconds, probably about the football game)
BOBBY. So, Larry, how was your weekend?
LARRY. It stunk to high heaven.
BoBBY. You know what your problem is, Larry? You
need a woman. Look, I know this girl and she has a sister. Next weekend we'llLARRY. No way! I'm not going out with anymore sisters. The last time you fixed me up with a fourth-grader!
BoBBY. (insulted) Yeah, but she was very mature!
LARRY. (walking away) Forget it!
ScoTT. (seeing a pair of freshman sisters enter) Well,
if it isn't my favorite pair of sisters.
TRACY & STACY. (adoringly) Hi, Scott!
BoBBY. Looks like you've got more there than you can
handle, Scott. Want some help?
ScoTT. Nah. I like to think of them as bookends and
myself as War and Peace.
12
CLASS DISMISSED
ELAINE. (on her way to class) More like Gone With
the Wind.
ScoTT. (sarcastically) Good morning to you too,
Elaine.
GARY. Bobby, do you think you could write me a pass
to the parking lot for fifth hour?
BoBBY. No, I-don't-think-I-could-write-you-a-passto-the-par king-lot- for- fifth-hour.
GARY. Why not?
BoBBY. Because somebody cleaned out my locker
over the weekend, all my passes are gone! Geez, I hate
Mondays! Hey, Scott, why did you want to be late for
first hour anyway?
GIRLS. (seeing COURTNEY enter) Hi, Courtney.
ScoTT. (points to COURTNEY who wears a cheerleading uniform) That's why.
BoBBY. Courtney?
ScoTT. Courtney.
RACHEL. Courtney, is it true what we heard about you
and Scott?
CouRTNEY. I don't know, it depends on what you
heard. (They go directly to each other and kiss.)
RACHEL. I guess it's true.
ScoTT. (taking COURTNEY's hand) Come on, ...
CouRTNEY. Where?
ScoTT. Trust me, just come on.
CouRTNEY. Wait. First I have to find someone who
did the homework. Bobby, do you have the assignment
for first hour?
BoBBY. Hall passes, homework! What do I look like,
the school store?
ScoTT. Come on, Courtney, one zero's not going to
kill you. (They exit.)
BoBBY. (seeing DEAN, the typical freshman, dressed
CLASS DISMISSED
13
in pants that are too short on him and a loud Hawaiian
shirt, enter) Hey, it's Deaner! Our freshman buddy!
How's it hanging, Dean?
DEAN. Bobby, this elevator pass you sold me isn't
working! I can't even find the elevator!
BoBBY. (looking concerned) Maybe you're in the
wrong school. (quickly) Got to go, Dean! (exits along
with some other students)
(On stage, in the classroom:)
ELAINE. (who is sitting next to LISA, sees DONALD
enter) Hi, Donald. (DONALD smiles shyly, takes his
seat.) Did you have a good weekend, Donald?
DONALD. Yeah, ... it was okay.
LISA. (whispering) That guy is so weird.
ELAINE. He's not weird, he's just shy.
RICK. Yeah, but for a shy guy he's got one hell of a
good-looking girlfriend. Did you ever see her picture?
ELAINE. Yes, I have.
LISA. Gary and Steve don't believe that the girl in the
picture is his girlfriend. They think she's a cousin or a
neighbor or something.
ELAINE. What would Gary and Steve know?
RrcK. Hey, Donald, did you see Joanna this weekend?
DoNALD. (looking up from the book he's reading)
Yes. Yes, I did.
RicK. Did you get anything off her?
ELAINE. (hitting him in the stomach) Rick!
RrcK . I was just asking. (Enter GARY and STEVE,
along with RACHEL, RAINBOW, and JENNIFER.)
STEVE. Hi, Lisa. Hi, Elaine. Rick.
GARY. Where's Banks?
RicK. (going through his pockets) I don't have him.
14
CLASS DISMISSED
GARY. Steve, how about a little one on one? ( They
grab a wastepaper basket and a crumpled up piece of
paper and run around the room playing basketball.)
BoBBY. (entering, sees STEVE and GARY) Banks
isn't here yet? Larry, man the door!
LARRY. What for?
BoBBY. (sitting behind teacher's desk) I need some
more hall passes and somebody's got to watch out for
Banks! (LARRY goes to door; during this time RAIN-
EO W has drawn a heart up on the chalkboard with the
words "Sven plus Rainbow" written inside.)
JENNIFER. Who's Sven?
RAINBOW. He's like this guy I met in the pinball arcade. He is like so together. Here's his picture.
JENNIFER. (looking at the picture) That's Sven? Rainbow, the guy has no earlobes!
BoBBY. (with hall passes) Okay, Larry, I've got them.
(Leans back in chair, puts his feet up on desk,· the basketball game has moved c.s.)
STEVE. Hey, man, foul!
GARY. You're nuts! Go back for the bomb. (STEVE
runs back to catch paperba/1 and runs into wall; he accidently presses the intercom button.)
VOicE OVER INTERCOM. Yes? Can I help you? (Total
silence and stillness; STEVE motions to GARY to make
DONALD answer the question; GARY whispers something in DONALD's ear.)
DoNALD. Uh, . . . no, it was a mistake. Somebody
leaned on the button by accident. (GARY pats DON-
ALD on the back- very hard.)
VOicE. (pause) Is there a teacher in the room? (The
class, now very nervous, whispers and motions at BOBBY
who stands up on the teacher's desk and changes his
voice.)
CLASS DISMISSED
15
BoBBY. Yes, ... this is Mr. Banks. Is there a problem?
VOICE. You might say that, yes, considering that this
is Mr. Banks. (total silence) I'll be right down. And that
room had better be spotless.
BoBBY. (after a slight pause, jumps off desk) Crap!
Clean up the room! (Hysteria as the class rushes madly
around the room straightening things up; by the time
BANKS has entered they are all in their seats with folded
hands and straight backs.)
ALL. Good morning, Mr. Banks.
BANKS. (sitting on the edge of his desk) Good morning, children. I trust you all had a pleasant weekend?
(The class relaxes as they adlib: "yeah, it was okay",
"pretty good", etc. BANKS immediately rocks his desk,
making a huge bang, which causes the class to snap back
into their folded-hand position; BANKS looks over the
class and smiles, then singles out BOBBY.) And how
was your weekend, Mr. Banks?
BoBBY. (somewhat embarrassed) I'm really sorry
about that, Jonathan, (BOBBY puts his arm around
BANKS and straightens his tie.) it just seemed like the
thing to do (BANKS looks at BOBBY's hand on his
shoulder.)- at the time, at the time it seemed like the
thing to do. I'll just sit down.
BANKS. That's quite alright, Bobby, just don't let it
happen again or I shall be forced to staple your tongue
to the roof of your mouth. (Class laughs; bell rings.)
Now, before we get our engines started, will you please
pass your homework forward. And while you are doing that I will pass back your test from Friday.
MORNING ANNOUNCEMENT ROLLINS. (singing over the
intercom) Ding-ding-ding! Good morning, and here are
the morning announcements for Tuesday, May 2nd.
16
CLASS DISMISSED
RicK. Tuesday? It's Monday. (looks at his cigarette)
Isn't it?
ROLLINS. I mean Monday, May 2nd. (Class laughs.)
BANKS. Rick, do me a favor (takes his cigarette), if
you want to smoke, set yourself on fire.
RoLLINS. Come out and join in the excitement! It's the
first meeting of the terrifically awesome Needlepoint
Club! We're meeting today, after school, in the Home
Ec. Room. Needlers and non-needlers are welcome.
ELAINE. Non-needlers? Is that a word?
STEVE. Yes. It is.
RoLLINS. Congratulations to senior Scott Brennan for
being named Athlete of the Year by District 511. This
past season Scott rushed over an average of 115 yards
per game, and on defense averaged fived sacks per
game. Way to go, Scott.
BoBBY. (pounding on his desk) Alright, Scotty!
ROLLINS. That's it for the morning announcements
and have a profound day.
BANKS. I see by the papers I have left in my hand we
are only missing Mr. Brennan and Ms. Adare. And
speaking of these papers- they stunk. In this class there
were four C's, seven D's, and five flagamundos. (The
class cheers.) Now I don't know if the test was overly
difficult (Class: yeah, yeah!), or if you were all just excited about the upcoming prom (Class: Yeah, that was
it.),- I'll stop making excuses for you (Class: No, no!).
I want you all to look at those lousy scores, think about
them, hold them up in front of you, and (picks up wastepaper basket) I know I'm going to regret this, but crumple up and open fire! (BANKS is bombarded by paper.)
RicK. This class is so educational I can't stand it.
BANKS. What I'm getting at is that on Thursday of
this week I am allowing you all to re-take the Caesar
CLASS DISMISSED
17
test. And (to LARRY) I expect no scores lower than
eighty-four per cent.
BoBBY. (mumbling) Forget that.
BANKS. Now for the homework. As you remember
your assignment for today was to write a two paragraph
essay describing what you think Shakespeare was like
based on the works we've read in class. (goes to erase
the board, turns his back to the class) At any rate, today
we are going down to the library to see the second half
of Julius Caesar on videotape (RICK gets up and heads
toward the door; BANKS turns around.) Rick, you
want to put yourself in idle? I'm not finished yet.
STEVE. Stupid drug addict. (RICK goes back to his
seat as the rest of the class laughs and makes catcalls.)
BANKs. First I have to explain your assignment for
tomorrow. (Class groans.) Trust me, this will be fun.
(SCOTT and COURTNEY enter; COURTNEY hands
BANKS a tardy slip.)
LARRY. Hi, Courtney. (STEVE whistles.)
BANKs. Uh, just a minute. Unless the Attendance Office is having a two for one sale, you seem to be short
one tardy. And since this one does have Courtney's
name on it, I suggest you go back and get one, Scott.
ScoTT. Mr. Banks, if I get one more I get a detention.
BANKS. Sorry, Scott, if I let you by I have to let everyone else by too.
ScoTT. I'm sure nobody would mind.
BANKS. Scott, ...
ScOTT. (to class) Hey, if anybody really wants to see
me go get a tardy, raise your hand. (Several hands go
up; SCOTT rolls up his sleeves and stares them all
down; finally RICK is the only one left.) Rick.
RICK. (pretends to be swatting a fly) Damn fly.
ScoTT. (smugly) See? Nobody.
18
CLASS DISMISSED
BANKS. Scott, go get a tardy.
ScoTT. Jesus, Banks, it's no big deal.
BANKS. Then go get one. (SCOTT exits.)
CouRTNEY. Sorry about that, Mr. Banks.
BANKS. (coming out of it) That-that's quite alright,
Courtney. (clears his throat) And now back to our regularly scheduled program: urn- your assignment, for tomorrow, will be to write a free style poem which draws a
comparison between life and your choice of a game or
object.
ELAINE. How long does it have to be?
BANKS. Doesn't matter. It's free style, do anything
you want.
BOBBY. Alright, yes!
BANKS. (to BOBBY) But I should warn you, we will
be reading some of these outloud. (SCOTT storms in;
slams tardy on BANKS' desk.) Thank you, Scott. Do
you have your assignment?
ScoTT. Nope. Left it at home. I suppose I get a zero
now.
BANKS. (going to gradebook) You suppose correctly.
ScoTT. What if I bring it tomorrow?
BANKS. You know my policy, Scott, get it here on the
day it's due, and you'll get full credit.
ScoTT. But it's at home!
BANKS. Sorry, Scott. No paper, no credit. Courtney,
do you have yours?
CouRTNEY. No, ... I didn't do it.
BoBBY. (pats her on the back) Ha! Neither did I!
BANKs. All right then, any questions about what's going to be happening this week? (SCOTT has scribbled
something down on a piece of paper; he raises his
hand.) Oh, Scott, you did do your homework after all.
CLASS DISMISSED
19
May I share your words of wisdom with the rest of the
class?
ScoTT. You're the teacher.
BANKS. Ladies and gentlemen, words to live by from
Scott Brennan- Love Philosopher: (reads) "Shakespeare
was a hack" (BOBBY roars with laughter.) Scott, this
paper shows consistency, development, great improvement, ... but the assignment called for two paragraphs.
You seem to have come up a little short. (throws it
away)
SCOTT. (mumbling) Stupid.
BANKS. I beg your pardon?
SCOTT. I said this class is stupid. I never would have
taken it if I had known what it was about.
BANKS. Maybe you're right, Scott. Perhaps you
would be a little more at ease two doors down in Mrs.
Burstyn's class. At least there you can see Dick and Jane
run and for my money Spot will be in the box.
ScoTT. I don't need to be insulted.
BANKS. Neither do I. (Staredown; class mumbles.)
ScoTT. (looks at COURTNEY, then back at BANKS)
I can get out of this class anytime I want, you know.
Ails I got to do is go down to Mr. Richard's office and
tell him about the circus you run in here.
BANKS. It may be a circus, Scott, . . . but you're our
only clown.
BoBBY. Ooh, Jon! Good one. (RICHARDS enters.)
RICHARDS. Jonathan, can I speak to you for a moment?
BANKS. Speak of the devil, aye, Scott? (pause while
SCOTT backs down)
RICHARDS. Problem?
BANKS. Apparently not.
20
CLASS DISMISSED
RICHARDS. Can I see you out in the hallway, Jonathan? (They exit.)
ScoTT. That guy's really asking for it.
ELAINE. Somebody's definitely asking for it, but I
don't think it's Mr. Banks.
ScoTT. Is that the official ruling from Elaine the
Brain?
BoBBY. Scott, mellow out.
ScoTT. Don't worry about me. I'm in control. It's
Banks you'd better worry about.
BANKS. (entering with EL/Z/BETH, a very pretty
girl) Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention
please? It is my pleasure to introduce to you a new student from Connecticut, ... you know her, you love her,
you can't live without her ... Miss Elizibeth Dawson!
(BANKS starts applause behind her back which BOBBY
turns into howls and whistles as he rocks his desk.)
Down, boy! Elizibeth, you can take the empty seat behind Elaine.
STEVE. No, it's next to Steve.
BANKS. Elaine, would you explain to Elizibeth what
we do in here.
ELAINE. You mean normally?
BANKS. Yes, normally. Feel free to exclude today'suh- entertainment. As for the rest of you, down to the
library. (The class begins to exit.) And I don't know
who it was, but Mrs. Morlock, the librarian was not at
all pleased to find sardines filed away between the pages
of the Encyclopedia Britannica. I trust a repeat performance will not be given this morning, right, Neiderman?
BoBBY. (to RA/NBO W) He always picks on me. I
don't even like fish. (BANKS begins to pick papers up
off the floor as SCOTT exits last; enter GRACE.)
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