Audition Side 1: C and Boyfriend
C’s Boyfriend: What do you want again?
C: How can you not remember this?
C’s Boyfriend: I drink coffee. Black. Normally from the gas station on the way to class. You create a
science experiment. Can you just type it in my phone, I am never going to remember it.
C: (Takes phone) You know I’m only with you for your looks right.
C’s Boyfriend: Well I’ve made a pact with myself that once I hit my 40’s I want to be able to balance a six
pack of beer on my stomach like my grandfather, so you know…for better or worse…
C: Let’s finish grad school and then we can talk about better or worse or richer or poorer.
C’s Boyfriend: Oh, it will defiantly be poorer, have you seen my school loans? Seriously, why do you
freak out over our future? Anytime it comes up, you just, I don’t know…
C: I’m not freaking out.
C’s Boyfriend: You know what I mean, you just avoid it. We are doing this right? We have an apartment
together, we are graduating this year, we made plans and…
C: (steps out to audience) And that is where he kills me. Wait, no, bad choice of words. He doesn’t KILL
me, he just drives me nuts. I love him. I do. But he has to PLAN EVERYTHING. I thought it was cute and
actually really helpful because I am freakin mess and totally unorganized so we kinda, balance each
other out. We had been living together for four months and I started to resent him for it,
his…perfectionism. Is that a word? Perfectionism… It was like…he was…my mom.
Audition Side 2: C and Boyfriend
C’s Boyfriend: You’re breaking up with me?
C: Not even breaking up really, just maybe if we took some time to make sure this is what we really
want.
C’s Boyfriend: You want me to wait and see if you miss me enough to want me back?
C: That’s not what I am saying.
C’s Boyfriend: That is EXACTLY what you are saying.
C: Doesn’t any of this freak you out at all? We have really only been with one another since college and
there is the entire world out there! Don’t you ever question if you would miss out if we just graduate,
settled down and got married?
C’s Boyfriend: No, I haven’t questioned it because I have never questioned us. Where is this coming
from?
C: It’s been a while; I just didn’t know if I wanted to say it.
C’s Boyfriend: A while? What the hell?!
C: I love you, I do, it’s just…
C’s Boyfriend: Don’t give me that, don’t tell me that you love me…
C: I do, you know I do, it’s not like this is easy for me but I just don’t think I am ever going to be good
enough for you.
C’s Boyfriend: What? Good enough? Where is this even coming from? When have I ever told you that
you are not good enough?
C: You haven’t exactly said it, it’s more just, I don’t think I can live in a world where I don’t feel like I will
ever be as good as my partner EVERY day of my life.
C’s Boyfriend: Is it someone else?
C: What?
C’s Boyfriend: Is it someone else? That is the only thing I can think of because I am trying to think of ONE
time I made you feel inferior to me or didn’t tell you how much I love you, so is it someone else?!
C: No, no, there is no one else. It’s just me, I just need to make sure I took some time for myself before I
commit to something that is for the rest of my life. I’m sorry.
C’s Boyfriend: I love you.
C: I know. Look, let me just drop you off at the apartment and I can…
C’s Boyfriend: No, I’ll walk. I need a walk.
Audition Side 3: A and Co-Worker
Co-Worker: Knock, Knock!
A: Who’s there?
Co-Worker: What?
A: You said, knock, knock…I said, who’s there…so what’s the joke?
Co-Worker: There is no joke.
A: What kind of jacked up child hood did you have?
Co-Worker: Good God, alright, KNOCK KNOCK!
A: Who’s there?
Co-Worker: A guy who needs a wing man, YOU, to help his friend, ME, get a date to bring to
Thanksgiving or his mother is going to kick him out of the house.
A: Here’s a tip…MOVE out of your mother’s BASEMENT, before you try to find your future wife at happy
hour.
Co-Worker: One, it’s called happy hour for a reason Debbie Downer and two, my MOTHER made the
manicotti that you shoveled down your pie hole at lunch today, so zip it.
A: I can’t man, I gotta finish this.
Co-Worker: You do realize you are the ONLY person left in the office, you need a LIFE!
A: (out to audience) I wish I had paid more attention to that word, life, at that moment. It actually has
meaning, once its gone. Granted, at the time he meant drinking crappy beer and eating 50 cent wings as
we talked up a big game of all the women we could get; well that we thought we could get.
At bar.
Co-Worker: (shoveling wings and beer down) I TOLD you it was worth it.
A: Yea, good call.
Co-Worker: That girl, she is staring over here.
A: No she isn’t.
Co-Worker: Yes she is, give me a wipe!
A: What?
Co-Worker: A wing wipe, gimme a wing wipe!
A: What the hell is a wing wipe?
Co-Worker: Damn it man! The little square wipes, in the packet! I gotta get the sauce off my face.
A: How did you know you had sauce on your face?
Co-Worker: My mom says I’m a slob, I just assumed. Am I good?
A: Yea, yea, you’re fine.
Co-Worker: So be my wing-man….ha ha ha…get it???? WING MAN???? (holds up eaten chicken bone)
A: You are doing to DIE in your mother’s basement, you know that don’t you?
Audition Side 4: A, Co-Worker and Girl
Girl: Hey, how’s it going?
A stares at Co-Worker. BEAT. Co-Worker is frozen.
A: Ummmmm, fine thanks. How about you?
Girl: Great, good, it’s Friday, so you know, that’s good.
A stares at Co-Worker again. BEAT. Co-worker is still frozen.
Girl: Is he okay?
A: Yea, yea, he, uhhhhh, isn’t feeling good… ya know…too many wings….
Girl: Oh my gosh, I’m sorry. The bathroom is over there!
Co-Worker’s eyes widen.
A: Huh?
Girl: The bathroom. (points in general direction).
A: Oh….yea….so ummmmm, you know if you gotta….
Girl: Crap! I forgot my purse, hold on, I’ll be right back.
A: Sure, yea, no problem. (to Co-Worker) What is WRONG with you?
Co-Worker: What is wrong with YOU??
A: Me?
Co-Worker: You told her I had the POOPS!
A: What?
Co-Worker: You told HER, that I ate too many wings and that I had the poops, the runs, what is wrong
with you?
A: You weren’t saying anything!
Co-Worker: So that was it? That was your cover WING MAN???? Hey, meet my friend, who has irritable
bowel syndrome?
A: AND lives in the basement with his mom.
Co-Worker: Screw you dude! (phone rings) What mom??
Girl: Sorry, so, are you feeling better?
Co-Worker: Yea, I’m good. (gets beer and leaves)
Girl: Did I say something wrong?
A: No, no, he’s just…his mom said it was time to come home.
Girl: Ha! Very funny.
Audition Side 5: A Monologue
I’m allergic to tomatoes, but I suffer through anyways because pizza is the greatest food on this damn
planet. ( That) I always think about working out, but never really do it, because Netflix owns my soul and
that in this past election, I wrote in “ Eleven” from Stranger Things for President. (That) when I was 6
my dad left, but it’s okay because my mom worked her butt off so my brother and I turned out alright
and when I have kids, I’m going to love the hell out of them. I’m going to love them for who they are
and then I am going to love them for all the memories my father missed out on with me. I hate Saturday
Night Live and I know, that means I must be in some cult or something. On the bright side of things I was
featured on Fox News when I was 13 as a witness to some kids who spray painted “Don’t do Crack” with
a big butt on the side of our school. I went bungee jumping once when I was on a field trip in high
school and my teacher didn’t care, so we lied about our age. When I got to the top I actually started
crying but the guy told me I had to jump because it was a bigger liability to have me walk back down all
the stairs. How fast I can I talk here, there is so much to get out to tell you because, there is SO LITTLE
TIME!!!!
Audition Side 6: B, B’s Wife, B’s Daughter, B’s Son
B’s Daughter: So the professor didn’t show up and after 15 minutes we all just go to leave.
B: Wait, I am paying $30,000 a year for professors who just don’t show up?
B’s Daughter: Dad!
B: You coming to your brother’s game tomorrow?
B’s Daughter: Yes! (in kid talk, grabs brother to over cuddle, typically sibling harassment) I would never
miss my baby brother’s game!
B’s Son: Ughhhhh, get off me! Mom!!!
B’s Wife: Your sister is here for two days, you’re gonna miss her when she is gone.
B’s Son: (Back into phone) Doubt it.
B’s Daughter: (Punches brother in arm) Hey jerk pants!
B’s Son: Owwww, what the…(shoves in arm)
B: We have 48 hours together as a family and we will love each other damn it!
B’s Son: You guys are so weird.
B: (out to audience) See what I mean? Life was great.
B’s Wife: I need you to stop by the grocery store on the way home from work tomorrow.
B: I can’t
B’s Wife: What? Why?
B: (sarcastically) The checkout girl, she keeps trying to ask me out and I keep telling her that I am taken
but, you know, she won’t take no for an answer.
B’s Wife: I’ll take my chances.
B: You could lose me forever.
B’s Wife: Oh no! How would I survive? Who would do all the laundry? And the cooking? And the
cleaning?
B: You know; the checkout girl loves me for me.
B’s Wife: I love you; your parents still send me a monthly check to say that I do.
B: So I married a prostitute.
B’s son: You guys are so weird!
B’s daughter: He’s right, you are not normal.
B: (out to audience) Maybe not normal, but we were happy. I took that moment for granted. The last
thing I said to my wife was, “so I married a prostitute.” Don’t get me wrong, it was all out of love and I
know she knew that but…there are about 1,000 other things I would have said to her.
Audition Side 7: B Monologue
B: (To wife) I never would have wasted a single second arguing with you. I would have cherished every
moment, every second and I would have never worked late and I would have held you more and would
have made more time for us. (to son) I would have gotten off the couch after work to play basketball
with you more and not cared that I was so damn exhausted from work. (to daughter) I wouldn’t have
gotten frustrated with your boyfriend break ups and just sat and listened to you and told you that no
man will ever be worthy of receiving all the love you have to give. That I love you all more than you
could possibly know and that love still transcends space and time and there are no words to let you
know how much you mean to me. (to wife) How my heart raced the first time I saw you in Mr.
Matthew’s chemistry class. (to daughter) The first time I held you, my daughter, my first child in my
arms and my heart was so full of a love I had never known. I was so scared that I would mess things up,
but you were so strong and smart, I knew it the first time you looked at me. (to son) You have so much
to offer the world but you just can’t see it yet. I should have told you that, I should have told you that I
know life is a confusing pile of crap right now but it does get better and I know your spirit and heart will
help change the world. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you all of this earlier. I love you, so
much.