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The
Sensuous
Senator
An American Farce
by Michael Parker
A Samuel French Acting Edition
samuelfrench.com
Copyright © 1988,1998 by Michael Parker
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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THE SENSUOUS SENATOR was first produced at the
Delray Beach Playhouse, Delray Beach, Florida on July 7,
1988 with the following cast:
CONGRESSMAN JACK MAGUIRE . . . . ... .. . David Zide
CONGRESSMAN CLYDE SALT . .. .... .... . .. Ed Heller
SENATOR HARRY DOUGLAS ......... .. .. Jack Gordon
MRS: LOIS DOUGLAS .. . . ... . ...... Virginia Valenchik
MARY RICHMOND .. .. .. . .......... Madeline Anzalone
BETTY MORRJSON ... .... .. . ............. Lolly Shaw
FIONA .... . . . .. ...... .... . . .. .......... Diane Du Mar
VERONICA . .. . ..... . . ....... .......... Beverly Smith
POLICEMAN .. .. . ... .. . .. ...... Robert Vander Zouwen
Directed by Randolph DeiLago
Designed by R.L. Markham
The main action of the play takes place in the Washington
D.C. Townhouse of Senator and Mrs. Douglas.
PROLOGUE: A Sen;ue anteroom
Early evening in January
ACT 1:
The Senator' s townhouse
Later the same evening
ACT II:
The action is continuous
THE CHARACTERS:
SENATOR HARRY DOUGLAS:
As a candidate for President of The United States. he presents
a character with the careful combination of the external
politician, and the real Harry who is. t>fcourse. "The Sensuous
Senator. "A man whose libido has him constantly in trouble. he
is. by his very nature. not only the philanderer the title
suggests. bill something of a natural clown. Suave. elegant.
imposing. Age 45-65.
LOIS DOUGLAS:
The Senator's long suffering wife, who is blissfitlly unaware of
her husband's continual infidelities. The impeccably groomed.
ever a/lentive, and smiling politician's wife. Kind. caring,
mother~v. Age 40+.
CONGRESSMAN JACK MAGUIRE:
A first term congressman. Early in Act I he inadvertently takes
a massive dose of sleeping pills and spends the rest ofthe play
falling asleep and avoiding the clutches of Fiona. who is
fiercely determined to get him into bed. Young, idealistic.
naive. Age 30-35.
CONGRESSMAN CLYDE SALT:
An elderly congressman. a cynic and wit. A pivotal character
whose dry sense of humor creates laughs galore as he sees,
(when he can find his glasses) yet does not see. all the
incredible happenings occurring around him. Old. almost
senile. a natural comedian. Age 60-80.
FIONA:
A high class call girl who, in her own words. "specializes in
members of Congress. " While she spends most of the play in
her underwear. she should not be seen as cheap or tawdry.
Yoimg. bright, perky, sexy. Age 20-25.
MISS MORRISON:
An investigative reporter for "The National Intruder. " she
keeps "popping up" throughout the play. Her ev.er present
camera is always poised as she seeks that eiusive photograph
of the Sensuous Senator "caught in the act. " Serious.
businesslike. humorless. Any age.
VERONICA:
Harry's secretary and lover. When Harry asks her on the phone
"Can your hormones come over tonight?" She can and they
do! Playing the role of the sexy temptress. she is totally
frustrated throughout the evening by all the action going on
around her. She finally gives up and "blows the whistle. " A
stunning. voluptuous seductress. Age 25-40.
THE POLICEMAN:
The closest anyone comes to being "the straight man.
Constantly appearing at the most inappropriate times (for
Harry and his paramours) to do searche.~ and security checks.
his rather serious manner creates many opportunities for
laughs. Any age.
PROLOGUE
(This scene can be played in front of the curtain using the
theater itself as a meeting hall, or with a down stage
backdrop to represent a Senate anteroom. Center stage
is a small rostrum or lectern with a microphone. To the
sides and slightly upstage are three chairs. One right,
two left. The reporters, BETTY MORRISON and MARY
RiCHMOND, are already seated in the audience. As the
house lights dim partially, THE POLICEMAN slips into
the rear of the auditorium. Enter CONGRESSMAN
MAGUIRE, thirty-ish, business suit. well groomed. He is
the epitume of the first-term young Congre:,·sman. He
strides confidently to the microphone and holds up his
hands for quiet.)
MAGUIRE. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the
press. My name is Congressman Jack Maguire. I have been
asked by my uncle, that great American, Senator Harry
Douglas, to open this press conference and welcome you all
to Capitol Hill. Joining me· on the platfonn tonight will be
another member of the House of Representatives who needs
no introduction. Nevertheless, I intend to give him one.
Congressman Clyde Salt has been elected to Congress no less
than 22 times. He is known on the hill as "The Grand Old
Man." He is the protector of the rights of America's senior
citizens. He is the custodian of social security. He has served
7
8
THE SENSUOUS SENATOR
longer than anyone in history in the House of
Representatives. May I remind you that in over 40 years of
public service, no rumor, no innuendo, no hint of scandal has
marred his glorious career. Ladies and gentlemen:
Congressman Clyde Salt.
(He applauds. waits as SALT appears, shakes his hand, then
sits on the right chair. Enter SALT He is old, stooped.
moves slowly, and might appear to be a little senile. He
wears a slightly rumpled suit, and the thickest pair of
horn-rimmed glasses imaginable.)
SALT. (Now at the microphone.) Good Evening. As you
all know, this press conference has been called by the senior
Senator from my home state. Before I bring him on to make
his announcement, I would like to tell you a little about him.
He is a man of immense vision, incredible intellect, and
incalculable experience. But these qualities alone are not
enough for a man to serve in high office in this country today.
We need men of high moral standard.s. Men who deplore the
promiscuous society. Men who value, above all else, the
sanctity of a home, wife, and family. Men who believe in the
greatest of all virtues: fidelity . Senator Harry Douglas is such
a man. I have known him and his charming wife, both
professionally and socially, for nearly 20 years. Indeed, he is
my friend and neighbor here in Washington. It is .because I
have known him these many years that I can stand before you
this evening and say:
Here is a man of integrity,
Here is a man of honesty,
Here indeed is a man of destiny.
Here is Senator Harry Douglas.
THE SENSUOUS SENATOR
9
(He applauds and looks left as HARRY and bOIS DOUGLAS
enter right and make their way to ce,nter stage.
MAGUIRE turns SALT around and points him in the
right direction. SALT shakes hands with HARRY. kisses
LOIS on the cheek, and then sits on one of the chairs L.
. SENATOR DOUGLAS is suave, elegant, never stops
smiling. Age perhaps 50 to 60 with graying hair. Smartly
dressed in a dark blue suit and red tie,. he gives an air of
great confidence. MRS. DOUGLAS, fifty-ish. is neat,
tidy, quite a handsome woman, dressed in a conservative.
two-piece suit and looks l(ke all candidates ' wives. She
stands at his side but slightly to his rear as he stands at
the microphone.)
HARRY. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. May .I
express my appreciation for your presence..hcre this evening.
I have a short statement to make and then there will be time
for just a few questions from the floor. (He pauses.) I wish to
announce that from this moment, I am a candidate for the
office of President of the United States of America. (Looking
very pleased with himself, he takes LOIS's hand in his. they
both raise both hands above their heads. as MAGUIRE and
SALT stand and applaud MORRISON, RICHMOND. ThePOLICEMAN and any front stage crew should also join in.)
Thank you - thank you. (MAGUIRE and SA/-T sit. The
SENATOR shows his wife to the other chair left. She sits. He
returns to the microphone.) I .am not going to bore you this
evening with my views on the budget, defense spending, or
the federal deficit. There will be time enough for that later in
the campaign. Congressman Salt has touched briefly on some
of the things about which I feel strongly. Let me tell you
10
THE SENSUOUS SENATOR
myself what I stand for. Let me tell you "where the beef is."
I stand for the great American family, for trust and fidelity.
With my wife at my side, I shall work to return this country
to a standard of morality known and practiced by our
founding fathers. Do you know what the divorce rate was
among the pilgrims on the Mayflower? I'll tell you. Zero.
And why? Some people will tell you it was because there
wasn't enough room to fool around, but I don't believe that.
In those days husbands were faithful to their wives and wives
to their husbands. And so, finally, may I remind you of the
family motto of my English ancestors, and shared with one of
our great American institutions: "Semper Fidelis," always
faithful. (He pauses for effect. MRS. DOUGLAS, SALT and
MAGUIRE politely applaud.) Now, I have time for just a few
questions. When recognized, please s~and and identify
yourself. (MARY RICHMOND 's hand is up. HARRY nods in
her direction.) Yes?
RICHMOND. Mary Richmond, Florida Post Dispatch.
Senator, I have a question which you can answer with a
simple yes or no. If you become President, do you intend to
raise taxes?
HARRY. Ah, now some politicians might suggest you.
read their lips, some might sidetrack you by changing the
subject, and others would simply avoid giving you a straight
answer to such a question. But not me. I intend to give you a
definitive statement on that very subject. We must, however,
remember that under the constitution, the legislative branch
of government, not the executive, levies taxes. Ah - but you
may say - programs introduced by the President often make
tax structure changes by the Congress obligatory. And, I use
the word obligatory in its classical Greek connotation welt
THE SENSUOUS SENATOR
II
knowing what that implies. So - we all see that programs
introduced by various branches of government may or may
not come to fruition in the fonn in which they were intended.
That, of course, leaves us with another important moral
question, which perhaps we had better leave for another day,
.as I'm sure I have fully answered your original question.
Next.
RICHMOND. Senator, do you believe we can have
health care refonn and still balance the budget?, and 1 really
would like an answer to this question.
HARRY. I wouldn't want to mislead you by doing so,
other than saying, however easy it would be for me to answer
your question, it is not fair for me to go further than 1 already
have, (Pause) and 1 would not read too much into that.
(He leaves RICHMOND standing with her mouth open.
BETTY MORRISON's hand is up; he points at her,
RICHMOND sits.)
MORRISON. (Standing) Betty Morrison, The National
Intruder.
HARRY. Could you speak up, please?
MORRISON. Betty Morrison. The National Intruder.
You refer to a standard of morality. Do you believe you can
legislate morality?
HARRY. Of course not, but we can raise our standards
and we can lead by example. For instance, this evening after
the press conference, Mrs. Douglas is flying to Chicago to
open a new counseling center for unwed mothers.
(Polite applause by everyone.)
12
THE SENSUOUS SENATOR
MORRISON. (Still standing.) What do you mean by
trust?
HARRY. My! My! May I say how gratified I am at the
serious nature of the questions. It's not something we have
generally come to expect from The National Intruder. ~ell
now, trust. Trust comes in many. different forms. The trust a
wife has for her husband. (He turns to look at MRS.
DOUGLAS who smiles sweetly.) The trust a man has in his
friends and colleagues. (He looks at MAGUIRE and SALT
who nod gravely.) My colleagues here on the platform have
my complete trust, and I know I have theirs, after all they are
also my neighbors and my home is their home. That, madam,
is trust.
(He tries to find another questioner.)
MORRISON . (Still standing.) I have a follow up.
HARRY. Very well.
MORRISON . (In a loud and strident voice.) Is there any
truth to the rumors that your secretary can't type and your
office staff is known as Harry's harem?
(The SENATOR spluuers. SALT. MAGUIRE and MRS.
DOUGLAS jump to their feet protesting.)
.HARRY. There goes the media again!
LOIS. This is outrageous!
SALT. It's an insult!
MAGUIRE: We shouldn't have to tolerate this! (Looks to
the rear ofthe auditorium and shouts above the other voices.)
Officer!
THE SENSUOUS SENATOR
13
(The POLICEMAN hurries down the aisle and attempts to
escort MORRISON out at the rear of the theater.
MORRISON protests. The POLICEMAN insists. They
argue for a moment or two. Blackout as all hurriedly
leave the stage taking all front stage props with them. A
single spotlight on MORRISON and The POLICEMAN in
the aisle as they move to the rear of the auditorium and
exit.)
POLICEMAN. Come along, Madam.
MORRISON. Take your hands off me.
POLICEMAN. Don't give me a hard fime. You have to
leave.
MORRISON. I'll leave when I'm ready to leave.
POLICEMAN. Now, Madam, let's not do something we
might regret.
MORRISON. (Moving to rear.) You'll hear more about
this.
·
POLICEMAN. I'm only doing my job.
RICHMOND. Officer, leave her alone.
POLICEMAN. This had nothing to do with you, stay out
of it.
RICHMOND. It has everything to do with me. She has a
right to ask questions..
'
MORRISON . Too right I do.
POLICEMAN. You can't create disturbances like this.
Come along now. Both of you.
MORRISON. You have no right to do this.
.
RICHMOND. She's right.
POLICEMAN. Come along madam.
(They all exit to the rear of the auditorium.) ·
14
THE SENSUOUS SENATOR
ACT I
.
.
(fhe scene is the Washington townhouse of SENATOR and
MRS. DOUGLAS. We see a bedroom ~tage right and a
living room stage left. The wall between is cut out except ·
for the upstage connecting door. In the bedroom center
is a large double bed. with a bookcase type headboard
Stage right are french doors. Upstage right is the door to
the bathroom, and next to it a staircase leading off In the
living room right is a couch. an Afghan draped·over it,
and a low coffee table in front with the telephone on it.
Upstage left center is a closet with a sliding dpor.
Upstage center a passage leads to the kitchen. Upstage
left, a staircase 10 the spare bedroom. Stage left center is
the front door, above it a credenza with drinks, glasses,
etc., and below it a low easy chair.)
(fhe townhouse is elegantly furnished and the decor tasteful.
As the curtain rises, the stage is empty.)
(After a few moments, enter MRS. DOUGLAS. SALT.
MAGVIRE, and finally, the SENATOR. They are all
bundled up in topcoats, etc.)
LOIS. Come in, Congressman. Let me have your coat.
SALT. (Taking offhat and coat.) Thank you, Lois, but I
mustn't stay too long.
(She takes his hat and coat and hangs them in the closet.
SALT sits right end ofcouch.)
MAGUIRE. I still say there must be something we can
do. That's the way ugly rumors get started.
THE SENSUOUS SENATOR
.15
(Takes offcoat and puts it on the back ofthe couch.)
HARRY. It's infuriating. Me oLall people, to be
subjected to such denigrating propaganda.
(Takes offhis coat and puts it on the back ofthe couch.).
SALT. Denigrating propaganda! Come off it, Harry.
You're not campaigning now.
LOIS. (Taking off her own coat and hanging all of the
coats in the closet.) Now, boys, behave yourselves. We' ve
just got time for a cup of coffee before I go the the air.port.
Harry, be a dear and switch the coffee maker on for me would
you? It's all ready to go.
(She finishes putting all the coats in the closet and eventually
sits left end ofthe couch.)
HARRY. Of course, my love.
(Exits to kitchen.)
MAGUIRE. (Pacing up and down.) Well, I think the
Senator' s right. .There ought to be a law to stop people. like
that horrible woman from saying things like that.
SALT. That' s very good, young man. You're in the
Congress. Why don't you sponsor a bill to that effe.ct? I can
see the headlines now. "Congressman Says Scrap The First
Amendment."
MAGUIRE. Well, I didn't mean that, sir.
SALT. I know you didn ' t, but that's what the press
would make it sound like.
16
THE SENSUOUS SENATOR
MAGUIRE. Well, anyway, the majority of the American
people wouldn' t believe it, and still support the Senator.
SALT. You think so? Remember Mark Twain, my boy.
He said, "Anytime you find yourself on the side of the
majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
LOIS. Jack, for heaven's sake, sit down. You're making
me quite nervous.
(He sits on the chair.)
HARRY. (Entering from the kitchen.) The coffee's on,
my sweet.
LOIS. Thank you, Harry.
HARRY. (Starts to pace a lillie.) It really is most
distressing. Jack's quite right, you know. Rumors can get
started that way.
LOIS. I really think you' re making too much of it. Look
at it this way. We've had one disreputable reporter trying to
grab a cheap headline for a paper no sensible person would
read anyway.
SALT. Ah, now there, Lois, you're right and you're
wrong. You're right about the reporter but dead wrong about
the National Intruder. It has a huge circulation, and they work
on the principal that if you can give the American public one
piece of scandal a day, that'll keep them as happy as
lemmings on a cliff edge.
LOIS. (Gelling up.} Well, I still say, just ignore it.
Because it obviously has no foundation , ·people will quickly
forget it. Coffee for everyone?
(They all nod in assent. Exit to kitchen.)
THE SENSUOUS SENATOR
17
MAGUIRE. That's it! Ignore it and it'll go away.
SALT. We've tried that for years on the deficit. It doesn't
work.
HARRY. What arc you saying? That we should take
some sort of action?
SALT. You know, Harry. In the war of words, I think
you really fired the opening salvo.
HARRY. What do you mean by that?
SALT. I mean my introduction of you tonight. When you
wrote that speech for me, don't you think you laid it on a bit
thick? I mean, "high moral standards, - deplores the
promiscuous society, - sanctity of home, wife, and family." It
flows like molasses in the wintertime.
MAGUIRE. I don't understand. (To HARRY.) You wrote
that?
HARRY. Of course.
MAGUIRE'. But, that'sHARRY. S~metimes, my boy, I think you have the
political acumen of a horse's petunia. How we ever got you
elected is a complete mystery to me.
SALT. Perhaps the voters recognized those rarest of all
attributes of the American politician: innocence and integrity.
(MAGUIRE smiles "innocently. '')
LOIS. (Enters from the kitchen carrying a tray with
coffee cups, etc.) Here we are.
HARRY. (Rushes over.) Let me help you with that.
(He takes the tray from her and puts it on the table.)
LOIS. Thank you, Harry.
THE SENSUOUS SENATOR
18
HARRY. You' re welcome, my love.
(LOIS sits.)
MAGUIRE. You two are just wonderful. I'm sure if that
reporter could see you two together, she' d know that none of
the things she said could possibly be true.
LOIS. Are we still talking about that reporter? Let 's
change the subject. (Handing out cups.) Harry, is there
anything special you'd like me to say in Chicago?
HARRY. As a matter of fact, my love, in view of
tonight's events, I think perhaps there is. I think it would be a
good idea if you could mention how heartbroken I was at
having to be parted from you this weekend.
LOIS. Are you really, my sweet?
HARRY. Of course, my love. Maybe you could slip in
something about - er -tears in my eyes as we said goodbye?
LOIS. Oh, Harry.
SALT. The molasses is flowing again. Don 't overdo the
tears, Harry. Your campaign .could drown in them.
HARRY. Well, the whole press corps heard that woman
tonight. It's only prudent to counter-punch a little, and Lois is
bound to be on the network newscasts in Chicago, so we
might as well make the most of it.
SALT. I've got to hand it to you, Harry. You always do
seem to make the most of every opportunity. (Gets up.) Well,
it's time I was going.
HARRY. I'll get your coat.
(Gets SALT's hat and coat from the closet.)
THE SENSUOUS SENATOR
19
SALT. Lois, my dear, thank you for the coffee. Haye a
safe trip. (He leans over the back of the couch and kisses her
on the cheek.) As for you, young man, follow my example.
The earlier you go to bed, the less likely you are to get into
trouble.
(He is helped into his coat by HARRY.)
MAGUIRE. (Stand'>) Good night, sir.
HARRY. (Opening the front door.) Thank you for your
endorsement this evening.
SALT. Think nothing of it, Harry. Good night.
(Exit)
LOIS. He really is a wonderful old boy, isn't he?
MAGUIRE. Just think of it. He was in Congress before I
was born.
HARRY. Well, I think he seems to be getting a bit
cynical in his old age. He seemed to be almost sarcastic about
my morality platform.
LOIS. Oh, he's alright my love. It's just that you do get
a bit carried away sometimes.
HARRY. That's onfy because I believe so fervently in
what J'm saying.
LOIS. We believe you, darling. Now be a dear and help
me clean up. My car will be here any minute.
(They all putthe cups hack on the tray.)
MAGUIRE. Could I get a ride with you? You'll be going
THE SENSUOUS SENATOR
20
right past my office, and I have an appointment in about half
an hour.
LOIS. Of course, Jack.
(She picks up the tray.)
MAGUIRE. Thank you.
HARRY. Allow me, my darling.
(He takes the tray and exits to the kitchen.)
MAGUIRE. There - you see. That's what I mean. He
obviously loves you very much, and it makes my blood boil
to think that his character can be besmirched by that woman.
LOIS. (Laughing) Besmirched character! I think you've
been spending too much time with Harry. You're beginning
to sound like him.
MAGUIRE. But you know what I mean.
LOIS. Yes, Jack, I do. But when you've been married to
a politician as long as I have, you learn to be a bit
philosophical about these smear campaigns. They come and
they go. You must learn to take them less seriously.
HARRY. (Returning from the kitchen.) Well,
everything's shipshape in the kitchen.
LOIS. Good. Now, you're sure you'll be alright on your
own?
HARRY. Well, I won't say I'm looking forward to it, but
I'll survive.
(Phone rings.)
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