Jokes,
Jokes, Quotes
Quotes && Quips
Quips courtesy
courtesy of
of Chester
Chester Press,
Press, Inc.
Inc.
V O L U M E
3 0
N U M B E R
8
•
A guy calls the hospital. He says,
“You gotta send help! My wife’s
going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is
this her first child?”
He says, “No! This is her
husband!”
A young woman drove into the
auto garage and said her first car
was due for an oil change. Wanting
only the best for her prized
possession, she’d brought her own
filter and oil.
When the mechanic crawled
under the car, she watched his
every move. After the old oil was
drained, she said she had bought
the very best product for her car
after overhearing a conversation
between her mother and a
neighbor on the subject of oil.
With a confident smile, she handed
him two bottles of Pure Extra
Virgin Olive Oil.
A dad was playing tooth fairy when
his daughter suddenly woke up.
Seeing the money in his hand, she
cried out, “I caught you!”
The stunned father froze and tried
to think of an explanation for
why he, instead of the tooth fairy,
was putting the money under her
pillow—but her next words let him
off the hook.
“You put that money back!” she
said indignantly. “The tooth fairy
left that for me!”
“Has your son decided what he wants
to be when he grows up?” Joe asked
his friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he
replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have
at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that
garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
J U L Y
2 0 1 6
It was a sunny, Saturday morning
and Joe was visualizing his
upcoming shot when a voice
came over the clubhouse
loudspeaker: “Would the man on
the woman’s tee please back up to
the men’s tee?”
Still deep in his routine, seemingly
impervious to the interruption, the
announcement came again:“Would
the man on the women’s tee kindly
back up to the men’s tee?!”
Joe had had enough. He shouted,
“Would the announcer in the
clubhouse kindly be quiet and let
me play my second shot?!”
The bride kissed her father
and placed something in his
hand. Everyone in the room was
wondering what was given to the
father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense
in the air and all eyes were on
him to divulge the secret and
say something. So he announced: “Ladies and
gentlemen, today is the luckiest
day of my life.” Then he raised
his hands with what his daughter
gave him and said, “My daughter
has finally returned my credit card
to me!”
About ninety 5th graders piled
into the airliner on their way home
from a school trip. Once they
were in the air and the crew began
serving drinks, you could hear the
crew pleading with the children
to settle down for the sake of the
other passengers.
No amount of reasoning seemed
to help, until the pilot thought of
the solution that actually worked.
He picked up the cockpit mic and
announced, “Children, this is the
captain speaking. Don’t make
me stop this airplane and come
back there!”
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher
than the Empire State Building? A: Of course. The Empire State
Building can’t jump.
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A man was given the job of
painting the yellow lines down the
middle of a highway. On his first
day, he painted six miles; the next
day, three miles; the following day,
less than a mile.
When the foreman asked the man
why he kept painting less each
day, he replied, “I just can’t do
any better. Each day I keep getting
farther away from the paint can.”
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A woman schoolteacher was found
guilty in traffic court.
The judge rose from the bench
to announce his sentence.
“Madam, I have waited years for
a schoolteacher to appear before
this court.” He smiled with delight. “Now,
sit down at that table and write,
‘I will not run a red light’ five
hundred times.”
Fun l!
Mai
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Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
1
MTV: Music
Television goes on
the air for the first
time ever,
1981
7
Chicago Cubs
host the first night
game in the history
of Wrigley Field,
1988
14
15
Michael
Jackson
takes control of the
Beatles’ publishing
rights,
1985
21
Hawaii becomes the
50th U.S. state,
1959
28
Charles, Prince of
Wales, and Princess
Diana divorce,
1996
2
Iraqi forces invade
Kuwait,
1990
8
General George
Washington creates
the Purple Heart,
1782
The Woodstock
festival opens in
Bethel, New York,
1969
22
The International
Red Cross is
founded,
1864
29
Hurricane Katrina
lands on the Gulf
Coast,
2005
Wednesday
3
The NBA is born,
1949
9
Atomic bomb
dropped on
Nagasaki, Japan,
1945
16
Gold is discovered
in the Yukon,
1896
23
Fannie Farmer
opens a cooking
school,
1902
30
Thurgood
Marshall is
confirmed as
Supreme Court
justice,
1967
10
Smithsonian
Institution is
created,
1846
Thursday
4
Anne Frank and her
family are captured,
1944
11
The first federal
civilian prisoners
land at Alcatraz,
1934
17
The Double
Eagle II
completes the
first transatlantic
balloon flight,
1978
24
John Lennon’s
killer is sentenced,
1981
Friday
18
Boston Celtics
forward Larry Bird
retires,
1992
25
The Wizard of Oz
debuts,
1939
Limit one coupon
per customer.
Saturday
5
American
Bandstand goes
national,
1957
12
Jack Nicklaus wins
his 14th major PGA
title,
1973
19
First race is held
at the Indianapolis
Motor Speedway,
1909
26
19th Amendment is
adopted,
1920
6
Lucille Ball is born,
1911
13
Mickey Mantle
dies,
1995
20
Viking 1 is launched
to Mars,
1975
27
The volcanic island
of Krakatoa near
Indonesia erupts,
1883
31
Brooklyn
Dodgers
left-hander Sandy
Koufax strikes out
18 batters,
1959
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