Issue 3
Michaelmas Term, 2014
You thought it would never happen, but here, clinging desperately to life as that dodo
clung to its last melon as it went over the cliff, is another issue of the Dodo. At then end of
this our Michaelmas term we bring to you a plethora of fun and excitement unparalleled...
MURDERER WOZ ERE
Eloise Davies has taken The Dodo where no newspaper has gone before, and brought you back a
WORLD EXCLUSIVE.
In an unprecedented coup for a
modest rag like ours, the Dodo has secured
access to an area previously impenetrable
to all reporters who value their lives.
Peterhouse, a small, closed college
on Trumpington Street, Cambridge, is run
by theocratic leader, Dr Steven alHampton, and his army of highly-trained
Porters. Journalists have been desperately
but unsuccessfully trying to enter this site
of global significance, for reasons that
should be obvious to all but those living in
barren, far-flung lands not connected to
the civilised world (i.e. Tennis Court Tennis): one of the many thousands of men
who have visited Peterhouse in the last
730 years may be a MURDERER.
heads, and started sacking columnists for
offering anodyne comments about pillowcases, rather than murderous headcases as
requested. Even Daily Mail reporters, those
experts in illegal immigration, failed to
infiltrate the borders.
Some stone in Old Court: did murderer
stand here?
Now, however, in a complex operation that involved walking into the Plodge,
waving at Mr. Mead and continuing into
Old Court, our crack team of journalists
have managed the impossible. Here are our
ground-breaking discoveries:

Some history and law students may
have had the same supervisor as a murderer.

Exclusive quote from a contemporary:
‘I never knew him very well.’

NatSci says you share 99.9% of your
Outside the gates of Peterhouse on the day
DNA with him. And 50% with a banana.
the story broke.

Said Jürgen Todenhöfer as he returned from his trip to the Islamic State,
‘Wow, those Dodo journalists are bloody
brave, going to a place known to be frequented by violent killers and that.’ Some
reporters who have tried to get information
out of Petreans in the past have lost their
FROM THE BUTTERY
BOOK:
It turns out there is more to
Hall than potatoes after all. See
page 8.
Probable that murderer sometimes ate
in Hall. Medics have confirmed that psychopathic tendencies are not contagious.
But maybe take hand-sanitiser with you
next time, just in case
Rumour has it that the CUSU class
and access officer has questioned whether
continuing to teach young
adults
at
Peterhouse is an ap-
ADVICE:
Mrs. Hiccups
is dead.
Long live
Ms. Hiccups!
Page 12
propriate use of space, but the college has
received a letter of support from a Ms.
Merkel, of the Reichstag, Germany: ‘I work
in a building that used to be frequented by
a genocidal maniac, and it hasn’t affected
me yet. Stay strong!’
On the plus side, the previous
stereotypes of Peterhouse as the lair of
right-wing, misogynist fruitcakes now appears benign in comparison. Michael
Portillo has dubbed this rappraisal the
‘Jutting Moment’. ‘My name may be synonymous with eating a bucketload of shit
in public,’ said the infamous inhabitant of
D3, ‘but I definitely haven’t murdered any
prostitutes. Up the Poll Tax!’
‘Thank God!’ wrote Roger Scruton
in another boring book about conservatism, ‘Now people will stop whining about
that time I said
Peterhouse was
“gratuitously
destroyed
by
the admission
of
women.”
Double murder
of
prostitutes
takes the misogynist biscuit,
somewhat.’ Mr. A Petrean and probable
Scruton reportfuture murderer.
edly
punched
the air with joy while reading the Daily
Mail coverage. That esteemed organ had
referred to him as an ‘intellectual heavyweight’, the first to do so without irony
since 1284.
Laughter has been heard emanating
from Maurice Cowling’s grave.
LAST HURRAH FOR
THE OLD BAR:
Turn to page 5 for a review of
our soon-to-be-gone social
hub...
So long, suckers.
1
Letter from the Editors
You notice something a little strange about this
issue of The Dodo... An allusion here and there to the
fact that we intended to have this edition out at the
end of Michaelmas, rather than the middle of January, perhaps... Well, oh eagle-eyed reader, allow us to
explain.
The date was December 1st 2014. There we
were, adding the finishing touches to the immaculately formatted Dodo Issue 3. ‘Perfect,’ said Hannah,
‘We can go to print tomorrow and distribute this
masterpiece in plenty of time for the end of term.’ The
organisational goddesses were just pressing save for
a final time, patting each other on the back in a
slightly smug, self-congratulatory manner, when suddenly, out of nowhere... A wormhole opened up in the
corner of I4.
Wormholes are surprisingly similar to giant,
invisible vacuum cleaners, sucking in anything and
everything within a two metre radius. Eloise clung to
Hannah, Hannah clung to the fireplace. But alas, the
laptop was sucked in, taking Issue 3 with it. As the
wormhole closed up again and the rushing wind died
down, the bereaved Editors could have sworn they
heard a little voice whisper, ‘See you in January...’
And as it turned out, that was exactly what
happened. As Eloise was putting on her pyjamas on
January 17th 2015 suddenly she heard a familiar
gale-like noise echo through the set, this time more
like a hairdryer than a vacuum cleaners. The laptop
shot back out onto the floor.
Eloise ran across to K staircase (pyjamas and
all) to tell Hannah the good news. Obviously, after
such a miracle, we had a moral duty to go to press as
soon as possible, rather than wasting time editing
out chronological inconsistencies. The decision was,
of course, nothing to do with disorganisation or laziness, but merely a stroke of inter-galactic bad luck
we were powerless to prevent.
Yours straight-facedly,
Hannah and Eloise.
Peterhouse Blues
Sam Hobson has found the perfect way to cope with the trauma of those embarrassing fresher moments: immortalise them in print for the whole college to enjoy...
Peterhouse is not a big place. Friendly,
yes, homely, yes, overflowing with a
truly staggering amount of free wine,
yes- but it is not a big place. It therefore came as quite a shock to see exactly how many surprises it could
spring in the short space of time that is
a Cambridge term. Some of them were
good, some bad... most sounding too
much like they’ve come straight from
‘Overheard in Cambridge’. Here are
some of mine...
1- Attack of the Bedder
It’s a golden Monday morning. You lie
there, snugly warm in your duvet,
happy in a dreamy world without
deadlines and supervisions and the
slight niggling thought that you’ve
spent all your money. You got back
quite late last night and forgot to lock
the door. Suddenly, the bedder comes
in full of good intentions and fresh bin
bags. The noise I made the first time
this happened had more in common
with the primordial screeches of that T
-Rex in Jurassic Park than any normal
human noise.
ety and many occasions to sample
truly nice wine, you’d expect to learn a
great deal more about the vine. What I
have learned since coming here, first
and foremost, is that it is a bad idea to
drink glasses after glasses of wine at
formal events and then collapse down
a set of stairs.
3- Always bring your keys
I decided to make a tactical choice
when heading to the shower the other
day, in leaving my room unlocked and
leaving the key on my desk. Being
only 10 metres away, I thought that I
could happily stroll back into my room
afterwards. Unfortunately, our bedder
came round and, quite reasonably
locked the door, either presuming I’d
gone out or as some kind of prescient
revenge for including her at number
one on this list. I was left to make what
I can only describe as the most awkward phone call to the Porter’s Lodge I
hope I ever have to make. It didn’t
help that I had to explain why I’d
taken my phone to the shower and not
my keys...
you spin around in them. What is a
little more difficult is walking down
the main street in them, to what can
only be described a mixture of pity
and loathing every time I walk past the
bus stop in one.
Sam’s matriculation photo.
5- There’s got to be a morning after
It’s never a good moment when you
are chatting in the dinner queue to two
people you’ve never met before and
they say, “Did you hear about that person who drank so much they got
thrown out of a pub and had to be carried home? Why would someone
drink that much?” “God, yeah, who’d
2- Wine
4- Gowns
do that? I wouldn’t. No. Definitely not.
I had never really experienced much Just to clarify, I’m a huge gown fan. Did that even happen? No... doesn’t
wine before Peterhouse. Considering I’m really into Harry Potter and I like sound true. Who’d do that?” Ahem.
the excellent speeches at the wine soci- the swishing noise they make when
2
Heaven and Hall
Hall is closed, all your friends have left, and you’re feeling cold and glum. NO MATTER. Fiona
Carey and Stevie Hertz have these gyp-friendly recipes to tickle your gastronomic tastebuds...
Chilli con Carne
Method:
1. Peel and finely chop the onion and garlic (if using)
Serves 6-8 (rated #1 meal so far by SPT 1)
2. Put the minced beef into a large microwaveable bowl
Price: roughly £1.50 each when shared between 6 (yes, and add the onion and garlic. Mix together using a fork
really!)
until the meat is thoroughly broken up.
3. Cover with a microwaveable lid or cling film, leaving a
Ingredients:
small area open to allow steam to escape.
4. Cook in the microwave on full power for five minutes.
500g beef mince
Remove from the microwave. Peel back the cling film and
2x 390g cartons
stir well with the fork, breaking up any clumps of meat.
Sainsbury's
5. Add the coriander, tomatoes and beans to the meat and
Chopped Tomastir well.
toes with Chilli
6. Re-cover in the same way and cook on full power for five
and Oregano
minutes. Remove the bowl and stir well.
1 tin Sainsbury's
7. Re-cover, return to the microwave and cook on full
Red Kidney Beans
power for 10 minutes. Remove halfway through and stir
in Chilli Sauce
well. Leave to stand while you cook the rice. (or, an even
1 onion
better idea, use someone else’s microwave to cook the rice
1-2 red or yellow
in at the same time as cooking the meat)
pepper
8. Boil the kettle. Pour the rice into the other large micro2 tsp ground coriwave-safe bowl, add the water, stir once and put into the
ander (or a small
microwave.
bunch of fresh coriander, if you really want to be posh)
9. Microwave on full power for 8 minutes.
Cheese
10. Remove the rice and stir. Return it to the microwave on
1⁄2 cup of rice per person (Sainsbury’s basics is pretty full power for another 8 minutes.
good...)
11. Remove the rice and leave to stand for 1–2 minutes and
Twice as much boiling water as rice
then taste to check it is cooked. If it needs slightly more
cooking add a small amount of water and cook for another
two minutes. If you didn’t cook both rice and meat simultaneously, heat up as needed.
12. Serve with generous helpings of grated cheese!
GYP-FRIENDLY Toastie Maker Brownies
Even though we have desserts available in hall and no conventional baking equipment in our gyps, sometimes a
sugar craving calls and you get the insatiable desire for a
homemade cakey treat. Give in to that desire. Toastie makers can act as great – and surprisingly adaptable – stoves
and are perfect because the non-stick coating means there’s
minimal washing up afterwards. These brownies are delightfully triangular, very chocolaty and easy to make.
½ of a pat of butter, melted
1 mug of white sugar
1 cap of vanilla extract (optional)
2 eggs
¾ of a mug of plain flour
¼ of a mug of cocoa powder
Smarties
Mix the mug of sugar, melted butter and – if youhave
it – vanilla extract together in a large bowl or Tupper-
ware (really, whatever is available – a clean bucket
will do)
Add the eggs, one at a time,
mixing thoroughly with a
large spoon after each.
Mix in the flour and cocoa
powder until it all blends
together in a chocolaty
mess.
They probably won’t look like this
Add in Smarties, M&Ms or
chocolate chips to taste
If your toastie maker divides sandwiches diagonally,
add a large tablespoon of mixture to each halfsandwich slot. If it isn’t divided like that, fill appropriately at roughly two tablespoons of mix per sandwich place.
Close the toastie maker and leave to cook. This normally takes about 10 minutes, but it’s good to check
regularly. When they’re done, they should still be
soft, but a fork should come out clean when poked in.
Leave to cool and enjoy!
3
The oldest secular building in...
We know, and we know you know. The hall is really really old. But just what
happened to it throughout its lengthy and illustrious history? Vinciane Jones
I don’t know about you but two
things I consider quite important in
life are definitely eating and socializing. Apparently the early Petreans thought so too because the first
building they decided to put up
was the Hall, which perfectly fulfils both of these the needs.
Throughout its 724 years of existence it has undergone many
changes in the attempt to remain
stylish (see Peterhouse Streetsyle
article to see how truly stylish we
still are).
them or the masters all wanted to
be promoted. Above the fireplace
are carved roses and lilies possibly
connected to Henry VII and in 1618
a fireback was added which carries
the arms of King James I.
Want to see how our hall looked
like in the late 17th century? Have
a glance at the photograph of an
engraving by David Loggan (you
can see the full engraving in the
library).
The next significant change recorded was in 1775, when James
Stage 1: Basic Gothic :
The Peterhouse Hall was built
in 1290 using the with the
money which Hugh de Balsham, the founder of the college, bequeathed to Peterhouse
after his death. We can
proudly say that the Hall is not
only the oldest collegiate structure still standing in Cambridge but also famously the
oldest secular buildings still
used for its original purpose
(not quite sure how true the
latter is but lets roll with it).
Not much remains of the original building except for the basic structure, the walls and the
archway above the door on the
side of the deer park.
Stage 2: Can’t make our minds
up:
Between the 13th and 19th centuries, the hall consistently underwent a considerable amount of
changes. First of all, the Petreans
quickly realized hat it was too
small for their expanding college
and so in the 15th century the Hall
was heightened and lengthened.
Next a fireplace was added. It
seems that it became a tool for honouring Kings – most likely because
we were trying to get money out of
Burrough, an amateur architect
who went on to become Master of
Gonville and Caius, and who was
obsessed with Classical architecture had a go at refacing the whole
of Old Court, including the Hall.
The Petreans were fine with this
because Classical style was
‘fashionable’ and surely anything
was worth it to be up-to-date on
the latest styles (they wouldn’t
want the college looking dated
would they?).
Stage 3: The return of the Gothic...
Just like the 90s clothing style is
now in vogue, so Gothic architecture made a comeback in the 19th
century. Admittedly, it took a little
longer for it to make its return but
when it did, it was a pretty big
deal: the Victorians were hooked.
Once again the Hall was in
need of a ‘little update’ so the
Petreans turned this time to
George Gilbert Scott Junior
and again decided follow the
manner of the day by having
their Hall restored in a Gothic
style. Scott worked on the hall
between 1868-71 and made
changes both inside and out.
He redesigned the whole exterior, adding in an oriel, window tracery and decorative
mouldings all in a Gothic style.
For the interior decoration,
namely the wallpaper and
stained glass, Scott turned to
William Morris’s firm. PreRaphaelite artists, Ford Madox
-Brown and Edward BurneJones created the designs for
the figures in the stain glass
windows. Morris himself created the foliage designs for the
wallpaper. For those who like
the Pre-Raphaelites –how
amazing is it that we are surrounded by their works when
we eat in Hall?! (I must admit I fangirled a bit...)
Once completed the hall looked
very similar to how we see it now.
It seems that after the 19th century
we became very concerned with
the old and its ‘preservation’ it
looks like the hall may stay the
way it is for centuries to come.
4
BAR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW
One day we will have a new bar in the Whittle building, but it is not this day.
In the meantime Rob Day reviews the college hub as if it were a real place.
The Peterhouse bar is a small,
cosy and extremely friendly place. The
fact that the only seats are either
squashy arm chairs or comfy leather
sofas adds to the friendly feel, making
it a great place to sit and relax at the
end of a long hard day of work at Peterhouse. The music has the similar
ability to cheer you up as the bar
plays an extremely mixed playlist. A
personal highlight was after my first
Formal, sitting in the bar sipping a
beer and listening to the Riverdance.
Saying this it still doesn’t seem to
attract the hordes of parched Petreans
that it really should. Over the course
of some nights it may only entice two
or three groups of people inside to enjoy its vast array of beverages. Is this
because the bar itself is flawed or is it
simply the intense workload of the
students of Peterhouse
The most important part of any
bar are the drinks that are on offer. In
Peterhouse there are a multitude of
lagers for every taste ranging from
Coors Light...no idea why... to Cobra: a
relatively acceptable beer which seems
to frequent Indian restaurants more
than the average bar. There is then
any kind of spirit, including Woods
60% rum and, if it is a big night you’re
planning, the barmen can whip up
something special: the college renowned ‘Quick Fuck’ or the ‘Brain
haemorrhage’. The only disappointment is that Peterhouse simply doesn’t
do enough ale! It has one pump and
this just isn’t stocked enough despite it
seeming a large percentage of this
year's Freshers enjoy a nice hearty ale
over a ‘Coors Shite'. It can sometimes
take up to 10 days for restock, leaving
lager haters, like myself, with the option of bottled ales or Guiness which
quite frankly don’t compare. This is,
however, the only problem with the
bar; I can only hope it is rectified
once the new bar is open.
The barmen are friendly and accommodating: I know of no other
barman who has ever trusted me
with vodka shots in port glasses simply because they were low on shot
glasses, but then I guess the former is
the one glass Peterhouse has in abundance. With this all said it can only
be that it is simply the workload that
prevents the young adults of Peterhouse making this bar their go to
hangout of an evening. It ticks all of
the boxes that are needed for a great
bar. Once they bring in ale aplenty I
believe it will be one of the best College bars.
8/10 Would Frequent
CYCLE OF LIFE
Ewan Day-Collins has written an article pretending to be a Peterhouse bike. We’re not entirely sure
why, but let no one say we’re not here for the sole purpose of letting Petreans express themselves...
WARNING: The following article contains many woeful puns. It
may be unsuitable to those of a sensitive humour.
I’m a bike.
[I’m not a
bike. I’ve been
told to pretend
to be a bike. So
I’m a bike.
Alright?]
I’m a Fresher. And, you know
what, it’s been a pretty tough first
term. I’m pretty TYRED right now. It’s
been way more work than I thought.
Every day, back and forth from Sidgwick to SPT Cambridge. It’s been a big
CHAIN-ge from home.
You see, I was used to being the
best. I was top of the class. And I come
here to Cambridge and, well, all the
other bikes are pretty bloody awesome, aren’t they? At home, I was a
big bike in a small peloton but here,
well I’m dropping off the back. I don’t
have the yellow jersey no more; some
bikes are even ridden with no hands
(you know those dicks?). I’m feeling
pretty DEFLATED.
And they chuck stuff at you, here
in Cambridge, don’t they? They make
us ride in a different way. They challenge you, all the time. Like King’s
Parade. You see, for weeks I thought it
was a road. No one told me this is actually a pavement disguised as a road.
Then there’s the practical crap.
Back at home, when I got dirty, I
would just get clean. I dunno, someone
would just, like, do it. But now, I have
to clean myself. I was all GEAR-ed up
for some independence. My stabilisers
were off, if you like. But, actually, it’s
just pretty annoying.
A few weeks ago, I SPOKE to a
bike who was interested in coming to
Cambridge. “What’s it really like?” I
was asked. It’s pretty weird, I said, but
also pretty cool.
You’ve got to be in the right
FRAME of mind, I continued. Because
stuff hits you when you don’t expect it.
But RIMemeber this, I said: if you can
HANDLE it, it’s the best place in the
world.
5
December Issue
From all corners of Peterhouse, these fashionistas bring you the best of Petrean
Street-style. Can you match the sartorial savant with their secret identity?
Text by Abigail Scruby
Rocking a leather jacket, and
some skin tight jeans, this
lovely lady looks like she's
going Uptown - but who is
she?
'The ultimate accessory at
Cambridge this season is an
armful of books - can you
guess which student scholar
has clearly got an essay cooking
This Petrean is prepared for
the wintry weather, with a
suave scarf, a navy jacket
and a matching umbrellla can you guess who's pulling
off this Classic Cambridge
combo?
'Armed with a backpack,
khaki jacket and some army
boots, this girl's going somewhere (probably the library,
but still). Scooby dooby doo,
who are you?
Photographs by Vinciane Jones
Looking quite the English rose,
this girl's embracing the autumnal
season with a khaki parka, kneehigh boots and a very cosylooking jumper - but who is she?
6
Bad Film Society
Everyone wants a good film recommendation to relax with over Christmas. Sadly we can’t offer one,
because Dev Sharma has only been watching crap...
My reviews last year were all of films
that I absolutely loved. This term I take
a look at three films that failed to live
up to my expectations, starting with
Interstellar.
The film follows Cooper, an engineer
who has had to turn to farming due to
a global food shortage. He is recruited
to go into space to find alternative
planets for the human race. Quite simple, really. Director Christopher Nolan
(Inception) is no stranger to brainy
blockbusters, but his failure to adequately convey the human relationships the film so badly needs has let
him down this time. The writing is just
not good.
Interstellar is an impressive spectacle
nonetheless. The attention to detail in
the space scenes and Nolan’s life-like
visual style is noticeable even in the
most intense moments. Hans Zimmer
once again impresses with a domineering score which complements the
sound mixing to achieve a believable
representation of space, despite criticism from some actual critics. The cast
is full of strong performances by famous actors. Matthew McConaughey
does exactly what is required in the
lead role, making us aware of how
Cooper’s love for his children affects
his choices. I appreciated the huge ambition of the film, but the final third is
unimpressive and left me deflated
rather than inspired. “Just because it
wasn’t up to Nolan’s usual high standards, doesn’t make it a bad film”: I
think my brother summed it up quite
well.
Verdict: 8/10
The Babadook
A six year-old boy thinks there is a
monster in his house; a character from
a scary book he has been reading
called ‘Mister Babadook’. His widow
mother eventually tears up and discards the book because the boy is certain that the monster will kill them.
But one day, she hears the monster’s
knock: ‘dook-dook-dook’. She opens
the door to see the book has been put
back together and left on her doorstep.
Debut writer-director Jennifer Kent is
not subtle enough in her establishment
of the key themes – the patchy first
half fails to elicit any emotional investment in its characters, which is disappointing… but then it gets good. I was
actually scared for some of it. If you
can get past the first quarter of the film
without wanting to attack the boy, The
Babadook will have you hiding behind
cushions wishing you had a buddy to
cuddle.
If you really dislike horror films, you’ll
probably find a better way to spend
your time. Careful though, Mister Babadook might find you. Dook. Dook.
Dook.
Verdict: 6/10
The Homesman
Oh, Tommy Lee Jones, how I wish this
film wasn’t as bad as it was. I love
westerns, and the book on which the
film is based has some promise, but
The Homesman just doesn’t deliver
the goods. The film follows a lonely,
hard-working unmarried woman
called Mary Bee Cuddy (Hilary
Swank) as she transports three crazy
women to the neighbouring state. She
enlists the help of a selfish drifter
called Briggs, played by Jones.
You can see exactly what Jones is trying to do in only his second film as
director, but he never quite gets there:
the intense scenes are cringey at best,
the comic relief is hollow and misplaced, and the pacing is all wrong.
Swank is supposed to be the focus of
the film, but Tommy Lee Jones doesn’t
seem to want to share the limelight
and there is no chemistry at all between Briggs and Cuddy, making the
whole affair quite dull. However, I
should take a moment to commend the
performances of the supporting cast.
The only other good thing about the
film is the fact that it made me want to
rewatch some proper westerns.
Verdict: 5/10
Lies, Damned Lies and Room Points
Room point endeavours continue in the same spirit of rectitude and probity as ever. Eloise Davies reveals just
a small sample of the exciting and, of course, enormously labour-intensive society committees Petreans are
currently involved in...
room points claims. Our motto:
The Flying Pig Society—A
cookery club, dedicated to regu- “Hall is one small step from
Old Court, but one
larly making pork pies.
giant leap from Fitz
The Architecture Society Street.”
Dedicated to ensuring that the
The Biological Socibest architecture in the college
ety - Do you have a
remains in good hands.
passion for seeing
Ecological Society—Dedicated the natural wonders
to making all things greener. In of Peterhouse reguparticular, our friend’s faces
larly (i.e. the inside
when they see the size of our
of D3 every time you
rooms.
wake up)? We are
The Astronomical Society—A very interested in making sure
society to promote astronomical all creatures find their optimum
habitat.
The Engineering Society Looking at ways to
engineer the Room
Points system.
The Margaret
Thatcher Memorial
Society—A specialist
offshoot of the CONservative Association.
We believe that everyone should work hard
to come out on top within a
competitive system. In the
words of our great patroness:
“There is no such thing as [this]
society”.
Chess Club- We play a very
tactical game.
Cosmetic Surgery Society—
Particularly interested in methods to increase nose length.
The Jeffrey Archer Appreciation Society—We take pleasant
walks to Granchester and enjoy
imaginative storytelling.
Literary International Esoteric
Society- Our embroidered
jumpers truly spell out our aim.
7
From the Buttery Book
This is an exercise in self-appreciation. We Petreans are witty and well spoken, even, (and perhaps especially,)
when it comes to the analysis of our food. Our Buttery Book contained many an amusing critique - but only a
hallowed ten have made it into this compilation...
AT NUMBER TEN:
A rare complaint:
9 - a surprisingly common accolade
“Where are the potatoes???”
Number 7: Diseases...
NUMBER EIGHT:
There were parties...
(below)
Number 9 is intriguing:
one is led to wonder what alternative the authors
were expecting to
experience...
NUMBER SIX:
Expletives... (below)
Number 5: Masterpieces
'Art washes away from the soul
the dust of everyday life.' -Pablo
Picasso
NUMBER FIVE AND A HALF: Murderous Plots.... (below)
(left and down)
Number 4: A
serious defi- NUMBER
ciency...
THREE: An
(right)
Outrage....
8
Number 2: A
poorly sculpted
cut...
AND FINALLY NUMBER
ONE:
By far the most frequent entry in the volume - expressions of appreciation for our
dear Bar and Buttery Officer,
Adam Melvin.
Virgin Media
Naomi Obeng reports on one girl who definitely still has her CUSU condom...
Pedro de Mena’s Virgin of Sorrows stands alone in the centre of the
Fitzwilliam Museum’s Spanish and
Flemish art gallery. Recently bought
for £85,000 after a high profile fundraising effort, it’s smaller than one
might expect, at only at 33.6 x 31.0 x
19.8 cm. The sculpture was supposedly created for a rich patron’s private collection, conceived as a centrepiece to revere. It often takes substantial contextual knowledge to be able
to appreciate the mastery of works of
art, but it’s all there in Mater Dolorosa.
The detail of the carving is baffling in
its lifelike appearance and in the
saintliness of its aura, with pained
eyes fixed upwards, half under heavy
lids, looking towards something
other.
This oeuvre from circa 1673-4
is one of few polychromatic sculp-
tures so well preserved. It has a restrained palette, with the dusty blue
draped hood casting a shadow over
the Mater’s forehead, and her face
delicately highlighted with pale pink.
Perhaps the most engaging parts of
this piece are the eyes - shining glass
surrounded by the most delicate eyelashes (of real human hair) and fallen
from them, perpetually suspended
on her cheeks, two glinting translucent tears.
This delicate piece could easily
seem like an afterthought in the collection, sheltering under the yellowed lights of the room, surrounded
by huge dark frames. However, the
Virgin of Sorrow’s three dimensions
make this the most engaging piece in
the room, and one I highly recommend seeing in the flesh.
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POR
ter-house
N
ews
From the depths of the Porters’ Lodge comes a hero; a single, anonymous warrior who has battled against authority, posterity and infirmity to bring you all of the gossip you didn’t know you wanted to know until now...
Albert Albert, the Chairman of the
UPU (University Porters Union) has
confirmed the rumour that he is going
to stand for Member of Parliament in
the upcoming by-election in the safe
Conservative seat of Cambridge.
The result is possibly as unpredictable as the Clacton byelection 10 years ago
when UKIP took the seat
in a landslide victory.
Nigel Farage famously
went on to win many
more seats and formed
the current coalition government with the Green
Party and the Libocrats
(previously the Lib
Dems).
UPU are looking for a similar outcome in a changing future although
they have dismissed the gossip that
they and the Lib's leader, newly
elected Johnathon Ross, have already
had talks.
Albert (he prefers being called by his
first name) is confident that his policies will prove attractive to the electorate. The main plank of his manifesto
policy, called 'A Clip In Time' has
proved popular with local people. If
elected he will introduce a new law to
allow Porters the right to administer
summary corporal punishment on undergraduates who break College
Rules. This would start with a singular
slap across the back of the head for
minor offences such as walking on the
grass, to a flogging on Parkers Piece
for smoking in the Court. He has a tiny
Will Albert win? Find out next issue...
radical right wing faction in the ranks
who are demanding greater powers to
simply beat up any student whenever
they please. This is still under serious
consideration.
When he was just a boy, Albert was
impressed with his village policeman
who would whack kids round the ear
if they were naughty. He is convinced
that this form of retribution would
solve many of our modern
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problems. A recent detailed
survey held outside the Catho- 2
lic Church in Hills Road last Wednesday afternoon suggested that he could
win with a massive majority. Of the 28
people who were questioned (6 of
whom came from China) 21 agreed
that something had to be done.
The rally continued up Regent Street
with a following of Porters
from all the Colleges chanting their slogan
"Up
You" (UPU) and waving
their iconic grey pin striped
banners. They were met by
a group of freshers outside
Marks & Spencer who
pelted them with recent
unread copies of Varsity.
The Police, who realised
that this was an exclusively
University issue, stood by and issued
parking tickets to the cars that had
stopped to see what was going on.
Albert Albert was last seen going
into Wetherspoons with Russel Brand
(Lib member for Hackney East) pushing an aging Mick Jagger in a wheelchair. Jagger is a known sympathizer
as once, when he was a student, a Porter loaned him 5 shillings to go to the
cinema.
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Dodo Crossword
Across
2. Goes well with deer and car. (4)
5. To live here, you will need room points of biblical proportions. (5,3)
7. Nice bathrooms, shame about everything else. (3)
10. The subject of talks at every Peterhouse Society this Michaelmas. One of
our History Fellows wants to unite it. (6)
12. Where you can find a sausage on a Sunday. (8)
14. A saint of the servery, and a legal threat.(3)
15. A very dead thing that you have just enjoyed. (4)
Down
1. Somewhere you might go when you are ill, or when you have to write an
essay. (4)
3. You have Absolute Zero chance of guessing this old Petrean. (6)
4. Neville's toad and an maker of twine gives the name of an old Master.(6,5)
6. A patron we share with the Papacy.(2,5)
8. 'The oldest building in Europe still used for its original purpose.' What's
miss-ing?(7)
9. Opposite of starboard, and something we drink a lot. (4)
11. Naughty part of our JCR's official name. (3)
13. A drink and a Porter. (4)
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5
6
7
8
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10
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14
15
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Spotted round Peterhouse
Divine intervention, SOMEONE ON THE GRASS, trouble for Mel Etherton and redecoration in the Ward library...
A pocket full of Ryan
Who says feminists are killjoys? Abigail Scruby begs to differ...
Katherine Ryan may not be a household
name just yet, but she's proving herself to
be more than merely the token-woman on
panel shows like Mock the Week and QI.
An Edinburgh Fringe regular, Ryan's new
show, Glamour Role Model, whilst not
exactly ground-breaking, is refreshing,
raunchy and razor-sharp as she gives us
her take on popular culture and single
motherhood with a Canadian twist.
Glamour Role Model is an unabashedly
feminist show - what it isn't, though, is
heavy-handed. Ryan traverses the topics of
abortion, misogynistic trolls, objectification and twerking without an ounce of
preachiness; she makes light of them instead, talking, for example - perhaps controversially - about how her trip to the
abortion clinic was in fact, a story of 'one
mum's fun day out' because someone made
her a sandwich, for once. Ryan's humour is
at times, fantastically filthy, and always
fabulously frank, like when she goes on to
discuss her 'flatmate' (her five-year old
daughter) and their relationship: 'I shot her
out my vag - are we not going to talk about
that?!'.
There is some amusing gossipy material,
that dips occasionally into trashy, on Kate
Middleton, Harry Styles and Miley Cyrus
(surprise, surprise), but these act more as a
build up to her wittier material, rather than
as a significant proportion of the show.
She even manages to mingle snarky back-
chat on her tussle with Tulisa on Sweat
The Small Things, with a feminist argument that makes you feel bad for criticising the N-Dubz singer for her sex-tape
scandal. Ryan also provides a refreshing
Canadian outlook on the glamour model
industry, a completely foreign concept to
her, as well as some hilariously bad-they're
-good Geordie and London accents. The
best is saved for last though, with Ryan's
routine on Beyonce that can only be described as brilliantly bootylicious.
What Katherine Ryan has is currency both in terms of her material (which even
covered the previous night's episode of I'm
a Celebrity) and in her perspective, taking
the word 'feminist', shaking off any stigma
attached to it and working it into humour
which it is so often accused of lacking.
Glamour Role Model is fun, frank and
fabulous, a great comedy night out.
Katherine Ryan's Glamour Role Model
was at Cambridge Junction, 22/11/14
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Caption Competition
Inspired by the Fitzwilliam’s Silent Partners exhibition, we are getting
surreal in the caption corner. To win fame, glory, immortality or, more
likely, a chocolate bar, send answers to [email protected].
Last issue’s best (only) caption:
Vic the Porter is setting the bar high in the world’s least competitive contest...
CENSORED (for you own
good. Trust me)
Ask Ms. Hiccups
It turns out that psychological wisdom is
hereditary. On the mysterious disappearance of the fabled Mrs. Hiccups (last seen
outside the Senate House, wearing a black,
cultish robe and clutching an ancientlooking scroll), the Dodo editorial team
gave up all hope. How would the College’s
be solved now? The apocalypse was nigh…
But wait! What was this heavenly apparition? A young woman, carried by an
obliging host of sparrows, descended from
the clouds and landed in the middle of Old
Court.
“I’m Ms. Vanessa Hiccups, Mrs. Hiccups’
niece. At your service.”
Dear Ms. Hiccups,
I've got a problem. I think I'm in love
with my best friend's girlfriend. Neither of them know, but I can't stop
thinking about her, and having a
threesome with them would be my
greatest sexual fantasy. I don't want to
ruin my friendship with my friend,
though. What should I do?
Response:
Now, this is juicy. So let us push this to
its literal and theoretical climax - you
have a threesome with them. Best case
scenario is that you wow your best
friend’s girlfriend with your sexual
prowess, your best friend admits defeat and you all live happily ever after.
The worst case scenario is that it is forever awkward and nothing like porn
made you believe and none of you
ever speak again. So my advice would
be to make a judgement based on your
own sexual ability. Good luck and be
honest.
Dear Ms. Hiccups,
I keep dreaming about
McDonald's. Is this normal?
The Dodo
Team
Editors
Hannah Marcus
Eloise Davies
News
Tim Adelani
Stevie Hertz
Features
Alicia Loh
Paula Stuurman
Arts
Alex Laar
Natasha Voake
Fashion
Vinciane Jones
Abigail Scruby
Sport
Jonathan Fry
Eric Lee
Advice
Vanessa Upton
it’s the farmer and you’re a child then
that would be adorable.
Dear Ms. Hiccups,
I'd like to buy a potted plant, but I
can't decide between one with blue
petals and one with red petals? Please
help!
Response:
I would advise you to choose the one
that goes best with your eyes. If you
have blue eyes. And if not, choose
blue.
My spirit shall always
live on, haunting the bar
on a cold, lonely night.
Response:
It depends if you mean the food or the
farmer. The answer to both is no, but if
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