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Volume 55, Issue 5,000
YOUR NEWS FOR OAK HILLS HIGH SCHOOL
February 30, 3092
Satire: the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize
people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and
other topical issues.
Atticus Pocketing the Money From OH Fundraisers
by Hannah Welling
Atticus: the precious yet
terrifyingly-capable-of-tearing-your-arm-off drug dog. He
lives out his dream of protecting students and playing fetch
at school during the day, and
then goes home to his palace of
comfort at night at the Stoddard
residence. Playing fetch is his favorite pastime, but where does
he get all of these premium
toys? Maybe his humble
owners or his best bud
Spud purchased them
for him? Perhaps Mr.
Spraul gives them to
him to keep Atticus
from using him as
his own personal
chew toy? What no
one knows is, Atticus
actually buys them
himself with a little help
from the Stoddard’s.
Once a week when Mr.
Stoddard brings Atticus home,
he also brings home his school
fundraiser money to count and
put into the bank. When he’s
done, he puts the money in the
freezer under the ice cream to
remind him when he’s having his
midnight snack. Unsurprisingly,
Atticus is extremely intelligent. He
caught onto Mr. Stoddard’s sneaky
ways. Like a wolf hunting his prey,
he cautiously waits for everyone
to fall asleep, listening for their
slowed
heart rate.
When
the time
is right, he opens the freezer with
his tail, eats all of the ice cream
and takes $50 out of the fundraiser
money envelope.
Later in the night, he takes the
car keys and drives to the PetSmart
in Colerain, far enough away from
home to draw away any suspicion,
and buys 2 new toys. He then fills
the car up with gas, buys another
tub of ice cream, and drives home.
Mrs. Stoddard assumes that Mr.
Stoddard fills up the car for her
once a week. Since the beginning
of last year, Atticus has bought
114 new toys and two pooper
scoopers. That’s a total of
$2,850 from Oak Hills
fundraisers.
Now I know many of
you are upset, outraged
even, but if you think
about it, Atticus isn’t
trying to be a bad dog.
By using the money from
our fundraisers, he is saving
Mr. Spraul from being a chew
toy, buying the Stoddard’s ice
cream, and keeping Mrs. Stoddard happy. Really, the only ones
negatively affected by this is us.
The students. But who cares, Atticus is still super adorable.
Senioritis Treatment
by Abby Kromme
The harsh, cold winter always brings illness with it: the flu, colds,
allergies, and most common, Senioritis. While many parents and
teachers believe this is a student-generated term meant to excuse senior procrastination and lack of effort, it is a very real and very critical
diagnosis. For the past seven years, five world-class scientists, including three Nobel Laureates, have been searching to cure this wretched
disease. Even after experimenting with therapy, medications, and
vaccines, the researchers have not been able to come up with any fullproof treatment. The only fact uncovered from their years of research
is that it affects an average of 96% of all high school seniors by the
time they reach the first week of second semester. Senioritis begins by
seeping into students’ bloodstreams as they walk through the door on
the first day of their senior year, and symptoms become noticeable to
the discerning eye after the first test of the year.
Symptoms of Senioritis include:
- Excessive laziness
- Daily conversations of, “Hey did you do the homework?” “No, did you?”
“No…”
- Failure to study, ever
- Skipping first bell to go out to breakfast
- Inability to wear anything other than pajamas to school
- Failing grades in every class
- Lists of excuses saved in phones
- Extreme number of absences
- Randomly shouting “Panama!” while walking in the hallway
- Asking if tomorrow’s Friday…..when it’s Monday
This disease dates back as early as 1894, yet there has been no reliable treatment found besides a graduation vaccination, followed by a
daily dose of Panama for at least one week.
Chromebooks
Being Replaced by
Typewriters
by Alli Auel
This year, Oak Hills High School
went one-to-one and distributed a
Chromebook to each student. The
purpose of going one-to-one was
so that students would be able to
access their coursework both in the
classroom and outside the classroom. According to Oak Hills principal, John Stoddard, the Chromebook initiative has been a complete
failure. Not only are students using
their Chromebooks to find pictures
of cows in sweaters, they are also
using the Chromebooks as lunch
trays or as gravity checkers.
To fix this problem, the Oak
Hills High School administration
has come up with a plan: replace
the Chromebooks with typewriters.
“Many will cringe at the thought of
this because most students today
are so used to being surrounded
with technology, but the change
was made to benefit the students,
for the better, despite what they
may think,” OHHS principal John
Stoddard said. In addition to bettering students’ academic careers,
typewriters will also have many
other positive impacts on their
lives. For example, typewriters are
almost indestructible, so if a student drops, steps, or spills coffee,
juice, etc. on their typewriter, it will
still function properly. This means
that there will be no paying for
insurance or a replacement. Also,
typewriters do not require a power
cord, so students will no longer
have to lug around a charger in
their already 50 plus pound bookbag. Lastly, and probably the best
yet, students will never have to rely
on the school wifi again to finish
typing an assignment.
The administration has decided to make the big switch from
Chromebooks to typewriters
starting at the beginning of March.
During the first several Tartan
Time days in March, each student will clean and restore their
Chromebook back to the factory
settings. Then, each student will
be issued a Smith-Corona Brand
typewriter in their choice of black,
grey, or tan. This choice of color
ensures that students can match
their typewriter with their outfit.
It may even become a new fashion
statement as students will take
them to the mall, movie theater,
Chipotle, or anywhere! Also, each
student will be provided a carrying
case for easy transport from school
to home and an instruction manual, since typewriters are probably foreign to most students.
The Oak Hills administration expects the transition to be
smooth and efficient for students
and staff here at Oak Hills High
School. In fact, many parents and
students are excited about the
upcoming transition. “I am glad
the students at Oak Hills High
School are finally taking interest
in technology! This way students
will no longer have to worry about
refilling their ink wells on their
desks,” says 93 year-old Olga Clinkerbottom. Whatever the opinion,
the transition from Chromebooks
to typewriters will be beneficial to
OHHS students.
2
Your News for Oak Hills High School
February 30, 3092
How to CATCH A
STUDENT THIEF
Letters From the
Editors
by Sydni Crass
Dear Friends,
I’m writing this letter
from a small hut in Alaska,
where I have relocated myself
to in order to avoid any stress.
My other editor, Hannah, has
been yelling at me constantly
these past few weeks and I
just cannot stand it any longer
(you all know how she is).
However, I see the light at
the end of the tunnel. Only 4
months until I can come back
to civilization and enroll in
clown school. Clowning has
always been my dream, and
until the day I finally put on
that red nose and wig, I know
I will never truly be content.
To prepare for that day, I only
want to be known as Doodles
from now on. Anyways, as
I was saying, if you have the
chance, please tell Hannah to
stop insulting me. I just wish
we could all get along like we
There are approximately 2,700 students enrolled at Oak Hills this year. That’s 2700 students you must squeeze
your way through every morning and every afternoon. It’s like the New York of schools: many impatient people
with somewhere important to be in five minutes. With so many bodies around there’s a decent chance of losing
your friend to this mob of people, a better chance of not getting one-on-one time with teachers, and no chance
of getting back the things you lose or leave unattended. Therefore, if you have items worth stealing, you should
continue reading to find out how to catch the thief and get your item back.
Step
#1:
Look out for someone with a cell phone. Whether it’s to talk to their
used to in middle school... I
wish I could bake a cake filled
with rainbows and smiles
and everyone would eat and
be happy... I just have a lot of
feelings.
Sincerely,
Isabel Hassett
(aka Doodles)
Step
#2:
After looking for people with cell phones, make sure you take a look
Pluto
After speaking with young, brilliant (and not to mention beautiful) Oak Hills junior Abby Kromme, I have
officially come to the decision that Pluto is still a planet. Not a “dwarf ” planet, but a real, true, official planet.
I have made this decision on the ruling of “No-Takesies-Backsies,” an official scientific method used since
the prehistoric age. According to BBC news, “In 2006, Pluto was voted out of the planetary club by members of the International Astronomical Union.” It is in the best intention for ALL of the planets’ feelings
that they cannot just be voted out of the planetary club. There was no real justification for the removal of
Pluto from the club, as it has a clean record, and always respects his neighboring planets. I have come to the
conclusion after extensive investigations with CIA agent Josephine Ploehs that the IAU members only voted
Pluto out of the planetary club because they were petty and jealous of this marvelous planet. So, using my
very prestigious doctory powers, I rule Pluto as an official planet, now and until it proves to be unworthy of
such title.
in a few months so soak it all in
brah.
Later dudes,
Hawk (as in the dude
who ate my spirit animal)
(Hannah’s latest selfie)
at what they are wearing. Chances are at least half are wearing shirts
or hoodies. For those wearing them, take a close look at the logos. For
example, if you see someone with an Oak Hills logo pasted somewhere
on their clothing, they are definitely a thief. No doubt about it. There’s
something about it that just screams “Guilty!”
Step
#3:
Make sure you look out for someone devouring the candy they’re holding
by Dr. Doug N. Texist
Aloha my dudes,
I’m writing to you
from the peak of a gnarly wave
on the coast of Hawaii. This
Isabel chick told me I was “too
uptight” and “worried about
college” so I decided to take her
advice and dropped out of high
school to ride the waves for
the rest of my long, healthy life
or until I get eaten by a shark.
Through this journey I have
discovered the cure to senioritis. Drop out. And hang on the
soft beaches whilst finding your
inner spirit animal. I’m a rabbit.
Small and furry with sharp
teeth. Anyways, all you seniors
will have the opportunity to get
caught in the curl of the waves
friend or their Mom, people can look pretty suspicious while carrying
one of those “I only hit up my parents when I need money” devices.
Everyone should know, only thieves carry those.
We take our job very seriously.
No Doug, You are WRONG
By Dr. Iswearimreallyascientist
It has come to my attention that some people are arguing for the reinstatement
of Pluto into the planetary club. As the president of the planetary club, I feel as though
I must explain myself. I will repeat these words for the last time: Pluto is not, nor will it
ever be, a planet. The main reason is because Pluto has never actually been a planet, so the
“No-Takesies-Backsies” rule is a lie. Anyone who uses this rule is covering up the fact that
they don’t have any other argument. Besides, Pluto has become exceptionally violent in the
past few years, claiming that it can do whatever it wants because it has a dedicated fanbase in
America. So in reality, Pluto is the “petty” planet, and should focus on its participation in this
latest season of “Bad Planets Club” on Oxygen. Also, Pluto is just stupid. There, point proven,
I rest my case. If you support Pluto’s reinstatement into the planetary club, you are a totally
overrated clown who speaks without knowing the facts, not to mention a huuuuge liar. Fake
news!
Together As One
3
Your News for Oak Hills High School
February 30, 3092
in their hand. Approach them and say that you know they took something of yours. They might be confused at first, but don’t worry, they
know they did it. Nothing says “I’m lying” quite like a teenage boy or girl
eating small candies without an adult around.
Step
#4:
Take a glance at their hands. If they are holding the item you are missing,
it’s probably yours. If they aren’t holding the stolen item, chances are they
are holding a Gatorade or bottled water they overpaid for at the nearest
vending machine or lunch line. Notice they aren’t holding an energy
drink, a common drink shared between the almost-legal, rebellious-wannabes. Suspicious.
Poetry Rectangle
“All About Me”
By Jay Potavin
This is a poem that's all about me, the greatest there was and ever will be!
What makes me so great? Firstly, there's my strength.
I can lift object that are twice my length! Next is intelligence, for I am quite smart.
I can play music, and excel in art. For many reasons I seldom fumble.
And, you must believe, I'm kind and humble.
Oak Hills
Drivers Are “Good
Enough,”
Officials Say
by Isabel Hassett
Last week, as a stampede
of students rushed to their cars, a
tragedy occurred. As a 2003 Ford
Focus raced out of the parking
lot, it slammed into a sophomore
getting into her mom’s car. Medics
on the scene assured bystanders
that the girl will probably be okay,
but she has since stated that she
will never step foot in the parking
lot again.
Sadly, this mishap is
only one of many from the past
few years. According to a recent
report, 2,972 students have been
hit in the Oak Hills parking lot
this year alone. This is an astonishingly high number, but it seems
as if nothing is being done to fix
the problem. When asked, school
officials simply said that Oak Hills
drivers are, “Good enough.” When
pressed to
comment
further, one
administrator, who
prefers to
remain
anonymous,
explained, “I
mean, they’re
not good, but no one has died yet.
Right?” True, no one has died yet,
but based on recent events, it’s
only a matter of time. It seems that
as students race through the lot,
they have little to no care whether
or not they hit another human.
Most are only concerned with getting to their job, obtaining food, or
racing their friends for thrills.
This is the section of the
article where I should give you
advice on how to not get hit when
walking through the Oak Hills
parking lot, but there’s actually
no way to avoid it. The only thing
students love more than food is
driving recklessly. However, I can
give some tips on how to avoid
a certain death. First, always
wear a helmet. This is a necessity,
because a helmet will brace your
head on impact, preventing a
concussion. Next, you must keep
your eyes moving. Never stop to
chatter with a friend, because you
have no friends in the parking lot.
There are only enemies who will
try to hit you. Most importantly,
wear running shoes. The parking
lot is the perfect example of survival of the fittest; only the strong
endure. If you are
saving money for
prom, transfer
it to your shoe
fund. A quality
pair of running
shoes is essential.
Plus, you can rock
them at prom!
The Tartan
will be by the brutally injured
sophomore’s side, supporting her
during her recovery, and we will
alert you of any new developments. If you feel like you are in
danger of being hit by a car in the
parking lot, just accept your fate,
and call “The Attorney” Blake
Maislin when you wake up in the
hospital.
Art Of The Month
Thank you to our advertiser!
by Abby Dye
No way. Get out of here.
You’re joking. Seriously? After
years of a contentious rivalry
between Oak Hills and Elder, the
decision has been made for the
two schools to join together as one
giant west side high school. This
union would make Oak Hills and
Elder the largest combined school
in the state of Ohio.
When it was discovered
that the boys at Elder bleed red
too, it seemed that the Panthers
weren’t much different than the
Highlanders. Both schools are
already known around the Tri-state
for being academically superior
to all the surrounding schools.
Combining these two schools will
make for a killer athletic program,
as well as provide an abundance of
school activities for students to be
involved in.
The school will undergo
construction for at least two years
to make room for the purple Panthers. They will still be considered
students of Elder High School but
will be allowed to participate in
the classes and clubs that Oak Hills
offers. Both schools are committed
to creating postsecondary ready
students and together we can use
our resources to make the most
spirited and loving school in the
city and maybe even the state.
Some may find the collaboration unsettling but once they
see the addition in full force, it will
be a huge improvement. No more
pranks and the Highlanders will finally get to wear purple too! When
the boys at Elder join us in 2019,
make sure they are welcomed by
the sound of Highlander cheers.
Valentine’s Day Jokes
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
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GO ALL IN HIGHLANDERS!
Q: What’s the best part about Valentine’s Day?
A: The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend on
Valentine’s Day?
A: Lets hang out!
February 30, 3092
4
Your News for Oak Hills High School
The Secret Life of Teachers
February 30, 3092
Your News for Oak Hills High School
5
ATTENTION: SENIOR COUPLES BREAK UP!
by Brenna McDermott
By Abby Kromme
In elementary school, many children believe that teachers live in their classrooms. As the students get older, they are told that their teachers are just average
people, living average lives. This misconception is spoon fed to students by teachers who tell fictional stories of their spouses, children, and family vacations. I
decided to do some extensive digging to prove to all of you that your teachers are not as “average” as they want you to believe.
Oak Hills’ engineering master, Mr
Boles, seems to be a hard guy who
nobody would want to mess with. He
puts on a tough exterior to hide his
fervent soul, which is
filled with a love for jazz. We followed
Mr. Boles home one evening in an
effort to discover who he really is.
Instead of heading home, he drove
to The Greenwich, a jazz club in
Walnut Hills. He performed later
that night in sunglasses to hide his
identity. When I asked the owner of
the night club about this saxophone
player, he said, “Who, Ducky Dan?
He performs here every Monday and
Thursday night.”
As goofy as Mr. Funk is,
his secondary job is no surprise. While some teachers
sell beauty products or cut
down trees for a little extra money, Mr. Funk dresses
up in a polka dot costume, a
big orange wig, and giant
red shoes to perform for
kindergarteners on their
big day; that’s right, he is a
birthday clown. From grading papers and squirting
people in the face with his
pocket flower, the man does
it all!
From the outside, Ms.
Ploehs looks like a sweet,
fragile lady who wouldn’t
hurt a fly. Her innocent
looks are the main reason why she is one of the
most successful CIA agents
in the country. She has
received the Kathy Stewart Award, the Agency Seal
Medal, and the Intelligence Medal of Merit. For
the past 14 years, she has
been a Central Intelligence Agent, assisting the
President and deciphering
foreign intelligence. Basically, she is saving all
of our lives.
Commonly posed questions to Mr.
Martin are, “Why do you go to so
many Ohio State football games?”
and “Why do you like Ohio State so
much?” While his answer would normally be that Ohio State is his alma
mater and he enjoys supporting his
team, this is not the whole truth. In
reality, Ohio State is literally HIS football team. You might have thought
that J.T. Barrett was this year’s OSU
football team’s starting QB. However, we recently discovered that the
name “J.T. Barrett” is the nickname
Mr. Martin gave himself, so that he
would not be bombarded in class for
autographs and game stories.
Abby Schroder:
“ He’s way too short for me”
“ He wants to stay single for when he goes to Kent State, even
though we are both going there.”
“ He is way too feminine for me.”
“ He never lets me out in the parking lot.”
“ He cares more about food than me.”
Danny Weber:
“ She’s way too short for me.”
“ She cares more about Netflix than me.”
“ Her car is way too small for a guy my size.”
“ She always walks so much slower than me. “
“ She never shares her popcorn.”
Robyn Combs:
“ He’s always asking me to go to Dillard’s with him on the weekends.”
“ He texts me when he is outside of my house instead of ringing the doorbell like a
gentleman.”
“ I’ve been dating Devin for literally 2 years.”
“ When he comes to the basketball games he just sits there and smiles and waves at
me.”
“ I’m so glad this “relationship” is over.”
Saed Musaitf:
“She’s way too pretty.”
“She’s way smarter than me.”
“ She’s been cheating on me for 2 years with some ugly dude named Devin.”
“ I always wave to her when she is cheering but she never waves back.”
“Actually...no I changed my mind, we’re not breaking up anymore.”
Hannah Welling:
“ He is always eating Chick-Fil-A chicken nuggets.”
“ He is too worried about when his next shift at Dewey’s is.”
“ He is obsessed with his pet rock Ricardo.”
“ He hates dogs.”
“ He doesn’t believe in the moon landing.”
Morgan Beare:
“ I’m better at basketball than he is.”
“ He likes my dogs more than he likes me.”
“ He isn’t tall enough for my liking.”
“ He literally lives at the gym.”
“ His “chick” fil a is more attracted to him than I am.”
Nick Krauser:
“ She is always eating Wendy’s chicken nuggets.”
“ She is too worried about washing cars for some guy named Mike.”
“ She turns down the music in the car when it’s dark out as if that will improve her vision.”
“She tells people I hate dogs, which I don’t, and now her family hates me.”
“ She always thinks of a great comback four hours too late.”
Luke Rudy:
“ She likes my parents more than me.”
“ She’s not athletic enough.”
“ She’s the grinch who stole Christmas.”
“ Never has time for me, she’s always reading books.”
“ She’s always snuggling with her big bear.”
After the age of 10, many children stop believing in the legend that is the
tooth fairy. I am here to tell you that this mystical creature is very real, and
even works here at Oak Hills. After a long day of teaching, Mr. Brunsman
puts on his fairy wings and flies around the world, putting money under
toothless kids’ pillows in exchange for their teeth. Why, you might ask? Well,
ever since Mr. Brunsman lost his first tooth, he has had an extensive tooth
collection. He adds to it every night as more baby teeth fall out of the mouths
of children.
Satire: the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize
people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and
other topical issues.
Emma Schmitt:
“ Two words. Too. Short.”
“He is literally addicted to Taco Bell. Disgusting.”
“ He is way too loud for me.”
“ He likes my little sister, Cora, more than me.”
“ He needs to be more athletic; soccer and basketball aren’t
enough.”
Isaac Holmes:
“ She’s way too tall for me.”
“ Way too quiet of an individual.”
“ She picks food over me all the time.”
“ She doesn’t look like her hot mom.”
“ She literally has the worst smile I’ve ever seen.”
Kelly Nymberg:
“ Tony Trame? More like Tony Lame. ”
“ Too much of a bad boy.”
“ Can’t handle my ping pong skills.”
“He loves football and hats more than me.”
“ Hes not his dad.”
Tony Trame:
“ Her name rhymes with jelly, but I’m more of a jam guy.”
“She can’t handle my serve in ping pong.”
“ Isn’t sporty enough for me, soccer, basketball, tennis, track and cross country
arent enough.”
“ Her iPhone 4 is to advanced for me.”
“ Things she loves more than me: her dog, my dog, Captain America, my mom,
Legend of Zelda, Piolet G-2 07 blue pens.”
February 30, 3092
by Abby Dye
6
Your News for Oak Hills High School
No Phone Zone
Mr. Stoddard has just announced that students will no longer be allowed to bring their cell phones into any of the district school buildings
starting next year. This change was due to constant complaints from parents and teachers who have seen a significant decline in work ethic and
grades, and couldn’t ignore the issue. The only solution that could be agreed upon was the elimination of cell phones from the district altogether.
Teachers and parents came together in a board meeting this past December to suggest the idea of a complete ban on phones. The decision was
made hesitantly at first, but was soon recognized as the only solution that could be agreed upon. There is just too much temptation and addiction
causing students to use their devices rather than pay attention in class.
Many teachers have already put this ban into effect this year by not allowing students to have their phones out during class. Unfortunately, most
students couldn’t manage to put it away, which was addressed during the meeting. It seems as if teachers have tried everything to get students to put
away their cellular devices, such as placing their cell phones in a bin or pocket holders. Some even warn that if they bring out the phone the student
will get a zero for the day- still students resist. Teachers are at their wit’s end and parents are tired of the constant distraction that phones create.
Concern that phone screens cause eye and spine problems helped fuel the decision even more.
The phone ban doesn’t just affect students- it’s everyone. Concerns of teachers being absent minded in class when it’s time to move on to the next
lesson is a concern too. Students have told parents that they have found teachers texting in the middle of class. Despite various teachers claiming
they’ve only done it once, student’s snapchat stories tell a different story.
If you are found with a phone in the building you will first be given a warning. In cases of repeat offences, you will be reported to the office and
have your phone held there until the end of the day. Don’t worry, if you desperately need to make a phone call, the school can assist you, but only in
an emergency. This act should not be viewed as harsh but rather as a way to improve individuals and expectations for the future.
Snooping
Teachers
Oak Hills teachers
reVEALED AS criminals
by Sydni Crass
Yes, you read the headline right. Some Oak Hills teachers are being exposed for committing unruly and jocular crimes.
Over the past week, the Federal
Bureau of Prisons accidentally
leaked the names of all 2,220,300
United States prisoners… some
of whom are your teachers. No
need to be afraid, as most crimes
weren’t lethal or serious, just completely stupid. As a punishment
and way to give back to their
local community, many inmates
are required to become teachers
in public schools for at least one
school year, and to never tell any
student or coworker that every
night they return home to their
prison cell.
After conducting a
background check on Oak Hills
High School principal, Mr. John
Stoddard, I was able to discover
that he was the one allowing inmates in your school and around
students. “It’s true.. I do apologize. I know I could have put my
students in danger being around
criminals, but I’m all about
helping people, being a prison
community service monitor and
all. A lot of these shady characters
are waiting for their day in the
sun,” he stated.
Not only were names
of inmates leaked, but also the
crimes they committed and the
verdicts. Exactly five Oak Hills
High School staff members were
found to be members of Thistor
Ease Fayk Correctional Institution,
an institution in contract with
Oak Hills High School to give any
inmate who qualifies the title as
‘teacher’ until those service hours
are met. “I’m new to Oak Hills this
year,” stated history teacher, Mr.
Kinkley. “I stole a calendar and got
twelve months. Only 3 months left
with these obnoxious teenagers.”
While students believe all teachers here at Oak Hills are smart,
these five inmates have committed
crimes that are, well, not so smart.
“About two years ago, during a
major storm, I thought a police
officer saw me flee an accident I
got into. I kind of panicked and
drove 70 miles an hour down a
roadway, later sliding off the side of
the road into a ditch. After about
a half an hour, I realized that no
policeman was coming after me.
So I made a phone call for help
and realized that by doing that, I
turned myself in, resulting in two
years of community service. Let’s
just say criminals who fall into the
mud have to come clean sooner or
later,” explained math teacher, Mrs.
Rost.
Not only are Mr. Kinkley
and Mrs. Rost criminals, but so
is English teacher, Mrs. Cook,
math teacher, Mr. Martin, and art
teacher, Ms. Schorsch. After several minutes of denial, Mrs. Cook
finally admitted teaching only to
gain community service hours.
Mr. Becker Finally Found
His Tune
by Abby Dye
Remember the shock
you felt when you found out that
English teacher Mr. Becker was
retiring after first semester and
wouldn’t teach at Oak Hills any
longer? Well, it turns out that
retirement was only half of the
truth. Unfortunately, Mr. Becker
won´t be teaching Highlanders
anymore, but he will be teaching
others the musical legacy of The
Beatles.
The
Beatles’
music
and its
impact
is still
felt by
manybut there
are others who know only a few of their
songs such as “All You Need Is
Love.” Those who know Mr. Becker know that he plays the guitar
and has an immense love for
music. When Mr. Becker decided
to retire he knew he couldn’t stop
teaching, so he came up with the
idea of starting a tribute band to
teach others the value of music.
English was always a subject
by Jocelyn Collett
Do you ever have the
feeling you’re being watched when
you’re on your Chromebook?
Even when that green light isn’t on
you still feel it watching you. According to an insider in the back
office, teachers can look through
the Chromebook webcams to see
if their students are actually doing
their work.
Crazy, right? Well, not exactly,
we all did sign that Chromebook
usage agreement at the beginning
of the year. I guess what they say
on television is true; you really
should read the fine print at the
bottom of the page before you
sign.
How do you solve this problem
of the snooping teachers? Stickers.
Simply put a sticker over your
camera (one you can’t see through
and non permanent). That way,
teachers can’t see what you’re
doing.
English teacher Ms. Kelly said, “
I have full trust in my students. I
don’t feel the need to make sure
they’re doing their homework, because I have a feeling they already
are.” It is a mathematical certainty
that only 2% of the teachers at
OHHS actually check up on their
students to ensure they are doing
their work.
Now that small percent of our
teachers can see that we obsessively watch paint mixing videos and
play that game with the dinosaur
when the internet is down. They
are disgusted and it must be
stopped.
It has also been reported that
the back office will be converted
into a monitoring station where
teachers can spend their plan
bells checking on their students
throughout the day. This will take
place during the 2017-2018 school
year.
Google is working on new technology to notify students when the
cameras on their Chromebooks
are on. Google is trying to protect
the privacy of students while
still ensuring the guarantee that
teachers can still check up on their
students.
7
Your News for Oak Hills High School
February 30, 3092
“Okay, fine. I’m teaching to gain
hours. Being an English teacher
isn’t my favorite thing, but I have
learned a lot about myself. Like
that my favorite punctuation mark
is the period. It marks the end of
my sentence.” How crazy is it to
think that your very own teachers
could actually be criminals? And
the worst part is… their punishment is to be in charge of us students! “I’ve always hated Michigan
State,” explained Mr. Martin. “I was
caught trying to steal the Sparty
statue. It was about midnight and
very hot during a summer night.
I successfully knocked the statue
over and started dragging it to my
car. Halfway there I passed out,
because the heat was unbearable.
The next morning, I was caught
by the campus police and taken
to jail, and was later assigned to
community service. But I really did
think it would work at first! Some
burglars are always looking for
windows of opportunity.”
As for the craziest teacher
here at Oak Hills, it would have
to be art teacher, Ms. Schorsch.
“I’m not that crazy! I didn’t do
anything crazy, I promise. While
stealing from a blood bank, I was
caught red-handed…” she stated.
Well, there you have it. At least five
teachers aren’t here because they
love to teach. They’re here because
they have to be; because even the
smartest of teachers aren’t smart…
or teachers.
that meant a lot to him but
music has always been his favorite
to teach.
Mr. Becker and his fellow
bandmates of retired teachers from
various Oak Hills schools are constantly rocking it out every week.
His band was created last November during Thanksgiving break.
The band used to meet only on
the weekends when Mr. Becker
was off,
but now
that his
schedule
is cleared,
they are
able to
practice
four times
a week at
his house.
The band even dresses up like the
Beatles and have been practicing
their British accents. They are
completely booked at high end
restaurants starting the week of
spring break.
Keep your eyes open; you
might see him at a restaurant rocking it out to the Beatles.
The Tartan Shuts Down
by Brenna McDermott
I am sad to announce the
The Tartan is shutting down. The
writers were just lazy and threw
articles together at the last minute.
All they could think about was
their precious Netflix and which
new dance move was going to become the next trend. When asked
why she decided to put an end to
The Tartan, Mrs.Tuchfarber said, “
I just can’t have a staff that doesn’t
want to put in the effort to write
good quality articles and then leave
me to do the design. I can’t do it
anymore.”
The editors were no help
either. They would just sit by the
Mac computers and watch videos of a turtle trying to flip over.
When they weren’t on YouTube,
they were out in the hallways
seeing how many cartwheels they
could do. When the staff did get
around to writing articles, they
were horrible and not well-written.
However, they had to go to press
so that meant no time for editing.
Then, when the whole school read
the newspaper they were appalled
by the spelling and grammatical
mistakes. The pictures were not in
high resolution, and always came
out blurry. Also, the staff could
never find any advertisers to fund
the paper. When they did find an
ad that would help sponsor the paper, the money would go missing,
and I’m pretty sure that Atticus
stole it.
When the writers and
editors weren’t goofing off, they
were sleeping on the tables like
they were their beds and they all
used their Chromebooks as pillows
(one person even used a typewriter!). Editor Isabel Hassett said,
“I’m really annoyed we’re shutting
down The Tartan. I mean, how am
I going to get a nap in anymore?”
It is with a heavy heart
that I announce that The Tartan
will be no more. All of you are
probably using this newspaper to
wipe the tears off your face but you
just have to remember all the good
articles that you did read in The
Tartan. R.I.P. to The Tartan. Rest
easy!
February 30, 3092
Your News for Oak Hills High School
8
Breaking News
Pluto is a Planet AGAIN: Professor Doug N.
Texist Weighs in
Global Warming Actually Caused by Easy Bake Ovens
Missing: Oak Hills High School Cafeteria Bird
Surprise! Oak Hills Students ACTUALLY Bleed Red!
XXL Cookies Made Illegal in the State of Ohio
Kilts are Now Required Dress Code
Wrap Line Closes due to Pressure from Vegan
Students
10 Reasons Why You Should Drop Out of School
2017 Super Bowl Lineup: Oak Hills Highlanders vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Valentine’s Day Moved to April 1st
Broadway Hit “Hamilton” Set to Come to Oak Hills